Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - Episode #10.9 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
called Latte Larry's.

Why am I getting
into the coffee game?

Because I went to this
coffee shop next door,

and the guy was such a jerk

that I felt like
I had to do something,

and now, you know what?

I got me a little spite store.

Tremendous things
in here, by the way.
You're gonna love it.

Look at this.
Coat rack.

You ever see
that anywhere?

Tables, they don't wobble.

And self‐heating
coffee cups.

Keeps coffee hot for two hours.

Check out that sign.
This is a defecation‐free store.

That's the kind of feature
you dream about.

No defecating!

Urinators... welcome.

But if you are a defecator,

or planning on defecating
anytime soon,

don't come down here.
This is not your place.

Stay home.
Go next door.

So come on down
to Latte Larry's

and have a hot cup
of spite with me!

You're not gonna believe
what's going on in here.

- You'll be very impressed.
- (sign shatters)

Come on!

(theme music playing)

Larry, that is the most
amazing urinary experience

- I've ever had in my life.
- How about the tray?

It caught every drop,
every single drop.
Thank you.

- (claps)
- Every drop.

- Well, it's all working.
- Wow, man.

Huh? You were right
about the beans.

Hey, going
to Mickey's wedding,

it's the greatest thing
we ever did.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking,
you need a title.

- I need a fuckin' title.
- You know, like
assistant manager,

‐in charge of beans.
‐How about this one?
Bean cobbler.

- Bean‐meister.
- I like bean‐meister.

- I'm gonna go use
the pee cube.
- Peek your head in there.

Mocha Joe:
See what I'm saying?

All day long,
ever since he opened,
in and out.

And it's a little light
around here today.

- What do we do?
- It would be great
if you could go over there

- and just sort of
check out the vibe.
- Why don't you go?

- I'm banned.
- You're banned?

And, yeah.
And my mother.

Do you believe it?
Who's a saint,
by the way.

‐Your mom's banned?
‐Yeah, yeah.
Just, you know,

get a cup of coffee
and come back.


Oh, hey. Uh,

- a little wobbly.
- Yeah, you just put
your foot on it, like that.

- It's not a big deal.
All right, thanks.
- All right.

♪ ♪

Aha, hey!
Look who's here.

Hi. Is this for your benefit?

In case there's any
handshaking to be done,

- I know I'm safe.
- (laughing)

- Have a little squirt.
- How'd you do this?

- No wobble.
- Boy, that's solid.

You know, when you want
to do something bad enough,
you get it done, Ted.

Hey. How about a cup of coffee
for Mr. Danson?

Thank you very much.

- (laughs)
- On the house.

Oh, that's very
sweet of you. Yeah.

- Coffee. (laughs)
- Larry: Yeah.

Make sure to tell Mocha Joe

about all the amenities
that we have here.

I think he'd enjoy that.

Oh, hey. I know how, you know,
fond you are of me, so,

I share this
to make you happy.

I'm going out
with Cheryl tonight.

- Thought you
might want to know.
- Oh.

- Thanks for keeping me
in the loop.
- You bet.

- Should be fun.
- She's a fun gal.


Gotta say, you know,
he's doing some
interesting things.

What do you mean?

Son of a bitch!

- That's good.
He's got the beans.
- Yeah.

(sighs) It's good.
I don't know
how he did it.

‐No, this is‐‐
‐Yeah, but I gotta
taste it again.

Whoa, whoa.
Get your own.

♪ ♪

- (horn blares)
- Aah!

Larry: I was nervous.
I threw the phone,
and I took off.

I had, like,
this total beep panic.

'Cause you just
want to get away from,
from the other person.

- It's humiliating.
Yeah, it is.
- It's embarrassing.

'Cause you never wanna
see this person again.

- Right?
- It's almost like you're,
like, caught doing something.

You know, once I panicked,
I threw my phone out the window.

- What'd you do?
- I had to get out of the car
and get the phone.

- Did you see the guy?
- Of course I saw the guy.

- What did he say?
- He beeped,
he was beeping

as I was, as I was
getting out of the car.

- You put it in park.
- Yeah, of course
I put it in park.

Well, I don't know.
If you're so upset,
who knows.

By the way, think about that,
you leave it in drive,

‐you're just so overwhelmed...
‐Freddy: Right.
That's what I mean. easy, get out of your car
and your car is rolling
down the street.

- Turn into a whole thing.
- Freddy: Let's say
he didn't put it in park.

Maybe the car goes
through the light
and hits a stroller.

- Who's responsible?
I'm just saying‐‐
- Oh, so I killed a baby?

- He could have.
- I killed a baby?

- There, you're arrested
for manslaughter.
- That's right.

- All because you were texting.
- That's right.

And now
you killed a child.

And now, how do
you live with that?

Or you can go this way.
This baby was the Hitler
of the future.

No. Listen to me.
I love the imagination,
but it was a real story

with real people.
It didn't need sci‐fi.

- Yeah, what are you
throwing sci‐fi in there?
- Why are you making‐‐

Larry and Freddy:
You're missing
the whole point.

Where's our food?
This is unbelievable.

- Yeah. Where is she?
I'm still hungry.
- I'm starving.

Even though
the baby's dead,
I still wanna eat.

By the way,
Susie's going out of town.

So I was thinking...
golf trip.

It's rare for me to have
this opportunity.

Let's go to Pebble Beach.

- Wow.
- Fun.

- Fantastic idea.
- I love that. I love that.

- Pebble Beach.
- Who's our fourth?

- Lewis.
- Larry: Lewis?

If he can take a break
from his rehearsals.

- (guffaws)
- Larry: Yeah. I mean, he might
not even be able to do it.

He's doing
Flowers for Algernon.

‐Jeff: Charlie.
‐Larry: Charlie!
Cliff Robertson‐‐

- in the movie.
- I remember I read the book.

Yeah, in a small theater.

- Freddy:
Why's he doing that?
- Because,

you know why?
I'm gonna tell you why.

Many of my clients do this.

They feel that
unless they can play

- a mentally challenged person...
- Larry: Yeah.

...that they're not, uh,
worthy as an actor.

No one wants
to see him do that.

I think that's
where you're wrong.

- I do.
- Jeff: Are we going together?

- I do. Yeah.
- Jeff: Are we going together?

I'm going to every performance.

- Jeff: I'll be there.
- Larry: Yeah.

- Oh. Boy, that looks great.
- God, I'm hungry!

- I should've got the chicken.
It looks terrific.
- Oh, yeah.

- I'll give you a piece.
- That looks terrific.

- Jeff: Oh, it smells great.
- I'm so sorry again
for the delay.

I have diarrhea, so...

I'm gonna come right back
in a little bit

and check on you, okay?

Having or had?

I'm pretty sure she said "have."

So she's in the throes of it.

(all muttering)

I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna go
to the BMW dealer.

Get some licorice.
They got the most
fantastic licorice

I've ever had in my life.

I pretend there's
something wrong
with my car,

and then I grab a ton of it.

♪ ♪


Happened again.
The lights, you know,

it all...

Mr. David.

You're back again.

Hey. How ya doin'?

I'm doing all right.
How are you?
You run into

another problem
with the car?

- Yeah. I'm not kidding.
- You're kidding?

This is like
the third time
this month.

- What's going on?
- The, uh, the vents.

The air comes out
and makes a bit
of a whistling sound.

- Oh.
- (whistling)

- The car is whistling.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- It's annoying.
I can tell you that.
- Yeah.

The last time you were here,
you didn't have the whistle.

You had the check engine
light that was blinking.

- Yeah.
- But we couldn't
replicate the blink.

- Is that so?
- This is the third

or fourth time
this month, right?

The time before was
something with the steering,

- it was pulling?
- Steering was pulling, yeah.

By the way,

where do you get that licorice?

- The licorice?
- Yeah.

I don't know.
Maybe Bavaria.

- Bavaria?
- I will find out

- where the licorice
comes from.
- Yeah.

And hopefully
we will figure out

- what the problem is
with your car, too.
- I hope so.

I'm getting a little tired
of coming in here all the time,

- you know?
- Yeah. I see that.

I will see what we can do.
All right?

♪ ♪

You can't‐‐
$1.30 a cup?

We're not gonna make
any money doing that.

- What choice do I have?
- Put in some coat racks!

- No way!
It's Southern California!
- One coat rack!

- We don't need a coat rack!
- All right, then at least
fix your scones, Joe!

You eat them
like they're going
out of style!

- (arguing loudly)
- Guys. Hey, guys.

Keep it down.
You're disturbing
the customers.

- They're too moist.
- You never had a problem
with the scones before.

- They're too moist.
- You never had a problem
with them before.

Come in, come in.

Enjoy the low prices.

Hey, have you tried
Mocha Joe's?

Hey, you remember me?
Ted Danson?


Becker? Cheers?
Any‐‐ You remember me?

♪ ♪

Fuckin' tables.

Hey. Come on, buddy.

- Come on, what?
- You gotta relax.

Relax what? $1.10 a cup,
Mr. Danson.

I mean, really.
Who are we kidding here?

You got money invested
in this thing!

Joe, I'm worried about you.
I'm serious.

Look, play some golf,
you know?

- Get a massage.
Go to the movies.
- How can I go to the movies?

- I'm running a business here.
- Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna lend you
some of my screeners.

- What are screeners?
- Um,

they're DVDs of all
the latest movies

the Academy gives us
so we can vote.

The thing is, though,
you gotta give 'em
back to me,

'cause they're all watermarked
or something.

- I could get into trouble.
- That's really nice of you.

I really appreciate it,
Mr. Danson.

My mom would like that, too.

Can I get you
a cup of coffee?

From here?
No, I'm good.

♪ Hanukkah,
Oh Hanukkah ♪

♪ Come light the menorah ♪

♪ We'll have a party ♪

♪ We'll all dance the hora ♪

♪ Hanukkah! ♪

♪ Lovin' the Hanukkah ♪

♪ Ya‐da‐da, da‐da‐da,
da‐da‐da, da‐da‐da ♪

(scatting and humming)



You have a wonderful trip.

What the fuck are you
so happy about right now?


Bags back in the car.
I'm not going.

- What are you talking about?
- Bags back in the car.

- Take me home.
- What?

♪ ♪

Mocha Joe: I don't know
how much longer I can do it,
Ma. I'm slashing prices,

but every time
I make them lower,
he lowers his!

Listen, you've gotta relax,

You have to.
You know what?

Let's watch
one of those movies

that Ted Danson gave us.
The Green Book.

It's about a guy
from Arthur Avenue.

- I don't, I don't know
anything about it.
- Very good.

It starts at Arthur Avenue.

It ends at Arthur Avenue.

Very good story.

- Come on. Sit next to me.
- Here you go. You can read

- a little more about it.
- Sit next to me.

No, I don't want to read.

I want to see the movie
with you.

It's a terrific movie,
sort of a nicer...

Goodfellas kind of thing,
but nicer than that.

Oh, that Mr. Danson,
he was really nice
the way he gave us those.

- What?
- Mocha Joe:
Hold on a second.

- What?
- I gotta make a call.

- Now?
- Be quiet. I gotta call
Larry David. Okay.

How you doing?
It's Mocha Joe.

This is crazy.

It's like a sweat lodge
in here.

This is...
Whose idea was this?

Why are we even eating here?

'Cause we're trying to avoid
that waitress upstairs.

She literally said,
"I have diarrhea.
I'm so‐‐"

- Richard:
She actually said it?
- No, no, she said it.

All right, let's stop
talking about her.

This heat's making me nuts.

Aren't you hot?
Take that thing off.

I can't take it off,
because I don't,

I don't have
a collared shirt,

and then Takahashi will,
you know, suspend me.

It's so elitist
and such bullshit.

Larry: Hey, get this.
Mocha Joe called me.

Wants to get together.

I think he's crackin'.

- Really?
- He's crackin'!

- Larry: Yeah.
- You got him to crack.

He said, let's talk,
you know,

enough is enough.

- Freddy: What's it gonna take?
- Larry: It's just an apology.

- And that's it?
You shut down?
- I shut down.

Jeff: Hey, Richard.
How's the play
rehearsal going?

Are you taking the role
very seriously

where it means the world to you?

It's the most important thing
I've done in my‐‐

in 50 years
in show business.

Why don't we‐‐
I gotta get out
of my actor's head.

I live and breathe
this guy 24/7.

Why, why don't we talk
about our golf trip

- that's coming up?
- The golf trip. Yes!

‐Yes, yes.
‐Jeff: All right.
Listen. Fellas...

I am terribly, terribly sorry.

Um, I can't go.

You can't go?
You're kidding!

- You kicked off
the whole thing.
- I know I did.

I thought Susie was
gonna leave town.

She has decided to stay home.

Wh‐‐ What happened?

I was too happy
at the airport drop‐off.

Oh, my God.
Are you serious?

I was, uh, bouncy.
I was dancing. I‐‐

No, no, no.
You gotta contain
yourself at the drop‐off.

Of course you're happy.
Every husband is thrilled...

- I couldn't contain myself.
- drop their wife off
at the airport.

But you gotta contain it,
and you celebrate in the car

‐on the way home!
‐It's Susie.
I couldn't contain it!

What are you gonna do?
Huh? He fucked up.

I fucked up. I'm so sorry.
Fucked up.

That's a shame,
but I understand.

Maybe we'll go,
the three of us, huh?
Pebble Beach.



Hey, guys.
How's it going?

What are you doing?
I thought you worked upstairs.

I usually do,
but with the AC thing,

- they moved me down here.
- Larry: What?

And here you are.

Beet salad.

Sorry about the heat.

They're fixing it,
but it's a steamy one, right?

Okay. A soup for you.

And the salad is for you.

Light on the dressing.
I did not forget.

Oh, my goodness.

Hold on.
Did you ask for croutons?

I, I thought I remember
I asked you.

You did or didn't?

But this is the soup
you wanted, right?

(descending whistle)


♪ ♪

Okay, do you guys
want some bread?

- Or, I, I feel like...
- All: No.

Let me know if you
need anything, okay?

- It's hot.
- Sorry about the heat
down here, guys.

- Yeah, we're good. Go.
Yeah, we're good.
- You're good?

‐I feel like something's‐‐
‐No, no. Everything's good.

- Waitress: All right. I'll go.
- Okay.

- Bye‐bye.
- This is a fun table.

‐Oh, thanks. Yeah, thanks.
We're fine.

All right. I'll come back
and check in.

Oh, great. Can't wait.

- Uh, that's "Diarrhea."
- I put it together.

Top five most revolting
thing I've ever seen
in my entire life.

Ah, Mr. Takahashi!

You. Zip it.

- Yeah.
- All the way.

- (zipping)
- Mr. Takahashi:
You unzip again,

- two weeks, no golf.
- Larry: Okay.

By the way,
how are you hittin' 'em,
Mr. T?

Not your concern.

- Ah.
- Mr. Takahashi:

I see you're not
eating your food.

- Freddy: No.
- Is there a problem?

- Ah. Ah.
- No.

- Food's good.
- If not food...

- No.
- ...must be waitress.

All (muttering): No.

- Diane.
- All: No, no, no.

And her diarrhea.

All (groaning):
No, no, no, no!

How do you even know
about any diarrhea?

Everyone knows about diarrhea.

It wasn't the diarrhea.

If it's not diarrhea,
what is it?

- I...
- I don't know what
it would be called.

Club sandwich
and your soup.

All right, you guys
let me know if you need
anything else, okay?

(Mr. Takahashi sighs)

(speaks Japanese)

Oh, boy.


No one wants this.

(all muttering)



I saw Takahashi yelling at you.

Don't take that personally.
He yells at everybody.

Well, he fired me, so...

Oh, my God.

- He fired you?
- Well, yeah.

So what do you do?
You just, waiting‐‐

You're taking a bus?


- You don't have a car?
- No.

Cars are expensive.

- Where are you going?
- Going home.

All right, come on.
I'll take you.

- Well, I appreciate
you driving me home.
- Ah, of course.

Sorry about the whole
incident. I mean...

‐Firing. I can't be fired.
‐I, yeah, I, I didn't...
I didn't...

certainly mean
to get you fired.

- You could have
just eaten the soup.
- Really?

With your sweat in the soup?
I won't even eat my own sweat.

Huh? One drop of sweat
is like plutonium.

You would eat my sweat
if I dripped sweat
in your soup?

I don't know,
but to be polite,
it's like, I don't know.

You'd eat your sweat
to be polite?

If I had a girlfriend‐‐

My wife, my ex‐wife,
if she came

and served me some soup
and sweated in the soup,

I'm not, I'm not gonna
eat the soup.

Maybe that's
why you don't have
a girlfriend or a wife.

Oh, really? You think
the majority of people
who are in relationships

wanna eat sweat soup?

If your girlfriend

sweat in your soup,

it would be insulting
to not eat it.

That would be
a deal breaker for me.

You can't sweat in food.
It's just...

It's like...

It's on the list of rules
for a waitress.

- Yeah. Okay.
- "Don't sweat in food."

Maybe it's a blessing
in disguise.

I'm not sure you're really
cut out for waitressing.

Between the sweat
and then that whole
diarrhea incident‐‐

Okay, I'm just trying
to be a waitress,

and I wait on you again‐‐

- (honks)
- Come on, asshole!

I wait on you guys
all the time.

I just figured
you would get it.

No, no one, no one gets it.
No one's gonna get that.

No one's down
with diarrhea, Diane!

Okay. Well, now I know.
And now I‐‐

It cost me my job,
so now I'm... I've learned.

So what are
you gonna do now?

- I don't know.
I used to do retail, so...
- Yeah.

I guess
maybe I won't do that.

Hey, you...
You know what?

I just opened up
a coffee shop.

I could actually
use somebody in,
in the store.

- If you're...
If you're interested.
- Really?

I would, of‐‐ Yeah.
I would, I would be interested.

- Of course.
- You would?

- You have AC?
- Yeah.

- Great.
- Fantastic.

It's just amazing to me

- how things work out
sometimes, you know?
- Yeah.

Hey, let me ask you
this question.

Do you like licorice?

Sometimes I like a black,

and then I'll go weeks
with only wanting red.

- Yeah.
- And then I switch
back to black.

- Mr. David. What a surprise.
- Larry: Oh!

- Hello!
- What's the problem today?

- Well, uh...
- Let me guess.

Another mysterious odor?

Possibly a sound
like a snake?

- No.
- No?

- No. Actually...
- Yes?

Looking for a new car.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

And my friend Diane
is gonna help me
pick one out.

She knows all about cars.

She gets Motor Trend magazine.

- She reads all that stuff.
- Diane: I do.

I know all the brands.

And I'm so dissatisfied
with my car

- because of everything
that you just alluded to.
- Uh‐huh.

- So you want a new car?
- Yeah.

Well, why don't you
head on over there

where the cars are.

You know what?
I know where the cars are.

Well, shall we go over there?

Yeah, yeah.
We're gonna go over there.

Great. Let's go.

Oh, you gotta get
a piece of this.

Oh, this is tremendous.
You gotta get a piece of this.

- Okay. Wow.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- What is this even?
- It's licorice.

- Oh. Cool.
- Yeah.

Why don't we shop
for a new car now?

You know what?
That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

‐This looks‐‐ yeah, yeah.
‐Right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Wonderful.

‐That looks good.
‐That's wonderful.
That's wonderful.

- That's a good one.
- Look at that.

- Huh? How about that one?
- Diane: Yeah. Beautiful rims.

- Larry: Yeah.
- This is so good.

Yeah. Told you.

I think it's from Germany.

I want to get a red one.

- Larry: Well, let's go. Yeah.
- Diane: Yeah.

Look, you don't fool me,
Mr. David.

- You're not here to buy a car.
- Well, you are mistaken, okay?

I am here to buy
a new car.

- Am I not buying a car?
- Yeah, what is‐‐ What?

I don't believe you
for a second.

- Oh, you don't?
- That is correct.

‐I'm buying a car!
‐Oh, really?
You're buying a car?

- Uh, yes, I am.
- Which one?

- Which one?
- Salesman: Yeah, which one?

- Which one?
- That one!

Yeah. That one!

You're buying that one.

Yeah, I'm buying that one.

- The I‐8.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- That's a top‐of‐the‐line car.

That's why I'm buying it.

You can drive that
off the lot right now.

Okay. I will.

Get the paperwork.

I want it fully loaded.

- Great choice.
- Good.

- I'm not gettin'
a new car, huh?
- Larry,

he bought it!
He totally thinks
you're buying a new car!

I am buying a new car!

‐Who does he think he is?
He can't talk to me like that!

- Salesman: Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- You are quite welcome.
- Yeah, okay.

So you thought I was just
walking around the showroom,

you know, eating licorice.

‐Right? Huh?
‐You stepped up to the plate.
Now you got

- a beautiful piece
of machinery right here.
- Yeah.

- I got something else
for you. Hold on.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

- Look at this!
- Wow.

- That's a nice touch.
- Wow.

All right, you enjoy that.
Don't tell anybody else.

- We don't like to give it out
to just anybody.
- Don't worry.

- Congratulations. Yeah.
- All right. Thank you.

- Drive safe.
- Okay.

- Hey, look at this, huh?
- Wow.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Look what I got. Huh?

Is this even me? This car?
I mean, look at it.

A lot of the douchebags
at the club have it.

No offense. But this is
a popular car at the club.

Oh. Now I got the other car.
I got two cars.

That's your biggest problem.
You got two cars. I mean‐‐

I don't even have one car.
I don't even know

what bus I'm gonna take
to my new job.




(keys clink)

Yeah. Go ahead.

- Take the car.
- Are you kidding?

Take it! Take the car.

Larry, this is n‐‐

- Huh? Yeah.
- I'm just gonna take it?

This is worth
getting fired over.
Are you kidding me?

This is an incredible day.
Thank you.

I will see you at work.

- I gave you a car!
- You just gave me a car!

I gave you a car!
What's wrong with me?

I don't think anything.
Uh, how do I get to
the freeway from here?

Take a right,
then another right,

then go through the light,
and second left.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪


What are you doing?
Come on.


(horn blares)

(engine revs)


- Aah!
- Larry: What the fuck?


Are you kidding?

- You came out of nowhere.
- I came out of‐‐

- You were on your cell phone!
- Larry,

you just went right through.

I know exactly
what happened.
I saw it.

I looked at you,
you were texting.

Somebody beeped you,
you had beep panic,

you threw the phone away.

Look, there's your phone
right in the front seat.

You threw it down.
And you were playing
Candy Crush!

I've done it myself.
I just had beep panic
the other day.

(clears throat)
Fine. They scared me,
behind me.

- And I went. And I went!
- Of course. I know.

- Okay. So okay.
- I know how it works,
so okay.

So we've both done it.
I see it. I get it.

All right.
I guess that, um,

I mean, we should
exchange information.

- What are you talking about?
- Well...

It's all my information.

Anyway, look at this.

Nothing's wrong
with this car.

There's a little dent
in the bumper, but...

This is bad.

- (sighs)
- Oh, my God.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna call the, uh,

tow company.

I'll get the new one towed,
and, and then I'll...

I'll, you know,
I'll take you home.

Your cars is the one
that's being towed.

- How are you gonna
drive me home?
- I'll drive you home in my car.

This is my car.

Come on.
What do you‐‐

- This is my‐‐
You just gave me this car.
- What do you mean it's your car?

Yes, I gave it to you
with very good intentions,

until you wrecked my car!

- You gave me the car,
so it's my car.
- Are you serious?

- Are you serious?
- What?

You just give away cars
and take 'em back?

Oprah doesn't just
give out cars and then
take them back.

Does that seem fair to you
that I gave you a car,

you hit my new car,
and now I don't have a car?

‐That seems fair?
‐I, I don't know.
What is fair?

- No.
- What's fair is for things
to go back to the way,

the way they were
15 minutes ago...

- Well, I didn't have a car
15 minutes ago and now I do.
- ...when I had a car.

Well, I would love
to give you a ride home.

I would love to give you
a ride home.

Well, how are you gonna
do that without a car, Larry?

Please take me home.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- It's unbelievable.
Now I gotta get a new car.
- Uh‐huh.

I'm gonna get rid of
that new one,

and I'm gonna buy
the same car I had before.

Why don't you just
drive your old car?

I gave it away.

When you tell
a motherfucker
that story,

you should say,
"Lo and behold."

When a motherfucker says,
"Lo and behold,"

- it makes me fuckin' react.
- Oh, that is such
a good observation.

- "Lo and behold..."
- Yeah. Lo and behold,

I gotta buy my,
my old car new.

Now the story don't sound
so far‐fetched and shit.

Hey, how many pieces
of licorice have you had?

Maybe about eight.

I haven't seen you take
one piece of red licorice yet.

- Only black for you?
- Fuck, yeah.

Everything's black,
isn't it? Right?

Something wrong with a person
supporting black and shit?

Black licorice,
black jelly beans,

fuckin' blackouts,

burnt toast.
I don't give a fuck,
I eat burnt toast.

Oh, so you must love

Oh, fuck yeah.
I take that piece
of burnt‐ass toast,

put it between two pieces
of fuckin' pumpernickel,

have a burnt‐toast
pumpernickel sandwich.

- You feel me?
- Oh, I feel you.

Hey, when are you going
on that golf trip?

You know, I've been
thinking about it.

Jeff's not going.
I'm not gonna go.

- Oh.
- It's ridiculous.

That big motherfucker's
the glue.

Yeah, he's the glue.

Mm. Jesus.

Boy, my stomach's
really bothering me.

- (doorbell rings)
- Oh. Hey. That's Mocha Joe.

He wants to talk to me.
So, um, do me a favor.

- Keep an eye on him.
I don't trust this guy.
- Yeah.

- All right?
- You're right.

I don't trust him, either.

So, Mocha Joe,

what can we do for you?

Does he have to be here?

- I was hoping
we could talk alone.
- Larry: Yeah, well,

he's a business associate.

We actually refer to him
as the bean‐meister.

- He's always staring at me.
- Larry: I wouldn't
worry about it.

‐He stays.
‐All right, look.
You know,

I've been thinking about this,
what's going on between us,

- and I just wanna...
- (stomach rumbling)

- (Leon chuckles)
- ...say that, uh,
I think we need to...

(stomach gurgling)

Mocha Joe:
It's time that we, uh...

- (gurgling)
- Aah!

- Mocha Joe:
Something wrong?
- (yells)

- (groans)
- (loud gurgling)

Mocha Joe:
You okay? You don't look good.

Aah, just excuse me
just for a second.

- (stomach gurgling)
- Larry: Aah!


(Larry groaning loudly)

(pained groaning continues)

(Larry yells)

You think maybe
you should check on him?

He's good.

(stomach gurgling)


You okay?

- I'm fine.
- (stomach gurgling)

(Leon groans)

You don't look too good.

- (panting)
- (stomach gurgling loudly)


- If you will excuse me...
- Mocha Joe: Sure thing.

- (stomach gurgling)
- (Leon moans)

- (door closes)
- (Leon groaning)

(pained moaning)

(Larry and Leon moaning
and groaning)

(yelling and moaning

(toilet flushes)

(toilet flushes)


Where is he?

I don't know.

Mocha Joe!

You were supposed to watch him!

My belly started
to fuckin' bubble.

I couldn't control myself!

- (stomachs gurgling)
- (both yelling)

(yelling and moaning continues)

(door closes)

I come out of the bathroom...

- (claps)
- ...he's not there.

Not there.

He's just negotiating.

That's negotiating?
On what planet
is that negotiating?

I do it with my mattress guys.
I have 'em out there
pounding cotton.

And, uh, family throws out
a quote they don't like,

I tell 'em to just
get out of there,
walk away.

Mocha Joe's not negotiating.

That sucker's got
something up his sleeve.

Now, let's talk about
something that we're
all excited about‐‐

a little magical place
called Pebble Beach.

By the way, I, I'm not
gonna go on the golf trip.

- Why not?
- I don't wanna go
with three guys.

All right, you don't
wanna do three,
we'll find a fourth.

Okay, you know what?
It, it's not even that.

I, I don't wanna do it
without Jeff.

Jeff was the glue, anyway.
Let's face it.

- His absence will be felt.
- That's true.

I wasn't that thrilled
about going, either,

- without Jeff.
Maybe it's best for me.
- See?

I do have the play coming up
and I gotta study my lines.

Can we prevail upon you
to give us a...

a little snippet?

- The role?
- Larry: Yeah.

I'd love to see the process.

Freddy wants to see it.

Aah, that's a little unfair.
I mean, look,

‐the people are around here‐‐
‐Larry: Yeah, so what?

- Come on, Charlie.
- Richard: Nah, no.

Yoo‐hoo, Charlie!
Charlie, are you in there?

Charlie! Char‐‐ Charlie!

I'm gonna get that operation.
You know why?

'Cause I'm smart.
I'm smarter than that mouse,
that stupid mouse.

- (laughs)
- (laughs)

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Why are you laughing?

Jeez, a compliment.
You have a natural touch.

- It was the initial response.
But it's very good.
- Freddy: Yeah.

‐It was hilarious.
‐It's not hilarious.
I'm a‐‐ It's dramatic.

It was very moving, then.

- (Susie chuckles)
- Wow.

- What do you know?
- Look who's here.

- Coming for a little lunch?
- Susie: Yeah.

What the hell is this?

Oh, this is my loaner car.

- Yeah, but it's white.
- Larry: So what?

The color of a car
doesn't really matter to me,

because I don't really see it
when I'm inside the car.

It's like being inside
your face.

I don't know what
my face looks like.

Who forgets their face?

I'm in a capsule.
I don't know.

Everything's coming from
inside the capsule.

So the outside of the car
is a mystery to me.

I don't believe you
for a fucking second.

And I think you're obsessed
with the white car,

- and you're embarrassed by it.
- Larry: Hey, by the way,

our little golf trip
to Pebble Beach...

- Yeah?
- ...has been canceled.


Yeah, anyway, you know,
I have something for you here

- you might enjoy. Yeah.
- Really?

- Here you go.
- What is this?

It's only the best licorice
in the world.

It comes from Bavaria.
You'll never taste
anything like it.

Turn the TV on,
put that in front of you,

and, and you will
enjoy yourself.

- All right, well, thank you,
Lar. I appreciate it.
- All right. Okay. Sure.

Have a nice day
in your white car.

By the way,
I don't see the hood.

- By the way,
I don't believe you.
- Yeah.

- Bye, Lar.
- Bye.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

What the fuck am I
gonna do with this?

I hate licorice.
It's disgusting.

Cappuccino for Katie!
Cappuccino for Katie!

Cappuccino for Katie.

Okay, coffee and a croissant.

Larry, we need to charge
the self‐heating cups.

Where's Diane?
She's supposed to be here.

I have no idea where she is!

Oh, my God.
What is wrong with her?

(phone chimes)

- Oh, hey, Larry.
- Larry (over phone):
Where are you?

Oh! Oh, my goodness.
I totally forgot.

I'm so sorry.
I was gonna call you.

I'm actually not gonna
come in anymore.

- What? What are you
talking about?
- I just wanna travel

while I have the chance
before I get another job.

- You have a job!
- I'm thinking of

going to Europe
or maybe Thailand.

Europe? You can't go to Europe!
You don't have any money.

Well, actually,
I sold my car.

Oh, my God.
You sold my car?

- Are you kidding?
- Well, it was actually my car,

and I sold it on eBay,
which I didn't know you
could even do.

- What the fuck?
- It was pretty low mileage.

- So I got a lot for it.
- I gave it to you so you'd
have something to drive.

'Cause I was a nice guy.

Well, I don't need
to drive anymore,

'cause I'm going on this trip.


- Hey, uh, we're out of napkins.
- (scoffs)

They're in the back.


Hello? Next!


- Hey!
- Oh.

(chair whirring)

- (yells)
- Man: I'm sorry.

- Larry: Oh, fuck!
- Man: I'm sorry. I am sorry.

- Aah! Aah.
- I'm so, so sorry.

Weren't you looking
where you're going?

You just came out of nowhere.
You all right?

- No. No, I'm not.
- I apologize.

Oh, okay.
Is that your phone?

I see what happened.
You were on your cell phone,

and somebody yelled, "Next,"
and you panicked, right?

Yes. I had "next panic," okay?

Ow. Jeez. Aah.

I may never walk
normal again.

You know, nothing personal.

Are you Larry David?

What? Yeah?

Mr. David,
does look familiar?

What? It's a screener.

These screeners are
digitally marked with your name,

and there are copies of these
appearing all over town.


I, I didn't give them
to, to anyone!

- We got some questions
for you, sir.
- What?

Questions? What kind of‐‐

This is ridiculous!

Hey, my goodness.
What are you doing?

You know, you're treating me
like a war criminal,
for God's sake.

That's him.

He did it.
He took my screeners.

- Took 'em from my house.
- This guy.

Yeah, this guy.

I had too much licorice
from Bavaria,

and it gave me diarrhea,

and when I was in the bathroom,

he took the screeners!

Licorice? Bavaria?

I really hope you get
the help you need.

- That's the guy who‐‐
He was in my house!
- In the car.

Thanks, guys.
I really appreciate
what you do.

Bye, Larry.

Stop sending people over
to shit in my store!

(siren blares)

That's insanity.
For a screener?

They can't fine you that much.

Well, they did.

The FBI, they can do
whatever they want.

What are you gonna do?
I'm, I'm lucky I'm not in jail.

‐Ten minutes.
Ten minutes.

All right, thanks.

- Have a good show, Richard,
See you out there.
- You, too, buddy.

Break a leg.
How does my makeup look?

What's, uh,
what's happening
with the hair?

It's Charlie's hair.

Charlie looks like
he spends a lot of time

at off‐track betting.

Well, that's reassuring
five minutes before I go on.

How dare you.
You're like a rabbi

heckling me at my bar mitzvah.

What is this?

- This? That tin?
- Larry: Yeah.

It's licorice.
Susie gave it to me.

- Oh. Did she?
- Richard: It's delicious.

- You ate this whole thing?
- Yeah, in about five hours.

I'd give you one,
but I'm a little anxious,

so I ate all of 'em today.

I think I'm
a licorice addict now.

Oh, my gosh.

Why? What's wrong?

Nah. Nothing.

(pops lips)

- Richard:
Well, thanks for coming.
- Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Break a leg.

Hey, don't be depressed.
If you want some, you know,
it's German licorice.

- It's the best. All right.
- Yeah, I know where it's from.

It's showtime, Charlie.

(stopwatch ticks, stops)

Algernon beat you.

You lost, Charlie.

Does that mean that
I won't get the operation?

'Cause I lost?

I can do better than that.

I want that operation.
I, I wanna be s‐s‐s...


We'll have to see what
Professor Nemur says,

I'm not afraid of the operation.

- (stomach gurgling)
- (groans): Aah. Whoa.


- I, I ain't afraid of nothing.
- (stomach gurgling)

Because I'm strong.

- (stomach gurgling)
- Charlie?

- (gurgling continues)
- Oh.

Did you want to say something
about being right?

- Charlie...
- (groans)

- Whoa.
- Richard...


(yelling and groaning)

(theme music playing)

So, you're operating this place
just out of spite?


It's a spite store.


Everybody in the Big Johnson
community knows
you can't wear underwear.

There's a Big Johnson community?

I'd like to...
see if I can join.

How are you getting in
the Big Johnson community

- without a big johnson?
- You can't.

- Hi!

How do you induce labor?
Can you scare someone
into labor?

Yeah, you go into the bushes,
she's walking down the street,

and all of a sudden,
you jump out. (YELLS) Ha!

- Are... you in the bushes?
- Yeah.

‐You need surgery.
‐What if I got a...
second opinion?

- Why?
- My late mother.

"Larry, what are you doing?
Get a second opinion!

Are ya stupid?"

Even though she's dead,
I need to shut her up.