Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 10, Episode 8 - Elizabeth, Margaret and Larry - full transcript

A prominent actor shadows Larry to prepare for an upcoming role. Larry meddles in the sale of Cheryl's sister's house, helps Leon grow a new business and stirs up trouble at a dinner party hosted by Richard's girlfriend.

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(theme music playing)

Hey.
Have you ever gotten
a mani‐pedi?

Uh, I've gotten
a manicure.

- Really?
- Uh, but I've never
got a pedicure.

The toes rank
second on the body

only to the testicles
in terms of how
repulsive they are.

- Hey. You know Hobe Turner?
- He was a writer on Seinfeld.

- Yeah. Of course. Yeah.
- Okay. Doing a movie

starring Jon Hamm,
and Jon Hamm

is playing
a Larry David‐type writer.

They're going against type,
and he wants to, uh,



follow you around,
spend a day with you.

Yeah, let's do it.

I'm gonna try and make
it happen for tomorrow.

- That'll be fun.
- Yeah, it will be fun.

Susie:
We're back!

All right, listen.

We are not getting along
at all.

Susie and I are at odds.

Oh, my God.
I, I don't even know‐‐

- Susie: Saw your car!
- Hi!

- Hi, ladies. Hi.
- Oh.

- Well, well, well.
- Hi.

- Hey, look who's here?
- Hey.

- I'm glad you're here.
- Are you?



I never thought
I'd hear those words
come out of your mouth.

Okay.
So, Becky, my sister...

- Larry: Uh‐huh.
- ...is selling that house
we bought her.

- Really?
- And what's really
interesting is,

it's appreciated,

because that section
of town is, like‐‐

Fantastic!
Make a little dough!

Becky's gonna make some money.

What do you mean
she'll make some money?

I bought the house.

- We bought the house.
- Larry: Okay, yeah, okay.

- And we gave it...
- Larry: We bought the house.

- ...as a gift.
- Okay.

A gift‐‐ It wasn't a gift

for her to sell
and make money.

It was a gift for her
to live in.

- You gave it to her.
It was a gift.
- Cheryl: Yeah. You‐‐

I didn't give her the house
so she could sell it.

What if she sold it
in three days?

Would she be allowed
to keep the money?

- She's flipping houses now?
- She's been there for 15 years.

That's not exactly a flip.

So she's gonna sell it
and make this tremendous
profit?

- And get everything?
- That's, that's crazy talk.

- Larry: That's insane.
- Why are you siding with him?

- What do you mean,
why am I siding with him?
- No!

Jeff:
That's the right thing!

Listen, I don't wanna be

in the middle of this.

I don't really
talk to Becky.

Why?

We've grown apart
through the years.

She calls me
Queen Elizabeth.

She calls herself
Princess Margaret‐‐

- Queen Elizabeth?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah.
'Cause you got everything.

- That's what she says.
- And she's jealous.

So if you're comfortable...

- going to her and asking
her for money‐‐
- Oh, you better believe it.

Oh, you better believe it.
I feel comfortable.

All right, well, you do it,
because Cheryl doesn't
feel comfortable.

- Is that a character?
- Larry: Yeah. Kramer.

- Jeff: Oh.
- Oh, I feel comfortable.

- Cheryl: Okay.
- Oh, you better believe it.

This Hobe Turner movie
is, like, one of the‐‐
is a big thing for me.

‐Yeah.
‐And I'm excited to do it.
And, you know,

the guy is kind of
based on you.

So the best way
I can figure it
is to just hang out.

‐You know. I ask‐‐
‐It's not gonna be easy, Jon.

I'm a very complex man.

- Very complicated.
- (laughs) I get it.

But I just wanna say
I'd really appreciate it.

- You'd appreciate it.
- Yes, I would.

Really. This‐‐
this word "appreciate,"
it's very, very odd.

People seem to think
that if they use
the word "appreciate,"

all of a sudden,
the seas part for them.

"Oh, hey, I'm so sorry
that I...

"I robbed your house
and burned it down.

I'd really appreciate it if
you wouldn't tell the cops."

- You know?
- (laughing): This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

- This is perfect.
- All right. Let's order
the main course.

Yes, we should.

- There's so many
things on this.
- I can't look at these menus.

There's so much.
Oh, you know what?

We should just ask them.
They got‐‐ They know
what they're doing.

Ho‐bo‐bo. Ho‐ho‐ho‐ho.

Why are you‐‐
Why are you doing this?

Excuse me. What, uh‐‐
What'd you guys get?

Why do you want to know?

Because we're about to order.

But, uh, you have a menu.

Yeah, but I figured,
you know,

you're the experts,
why not copy you.

Why would you think
we're the experts?

Chinese.

- Ai‐yah!
- That doesn't make us
an expert on food.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it does.

I mean, if there was
a table of fat people,

and a table of skinny people,

I'd ask the fat people
what they were getting.

'Cause they're a little
more expert at eating
than the skinny people.

Anyway...

- Return to your meal.
- All: Thank you.

- What?
- This is gold.

- Schmo‐hawk.
- Yeah, schmo‐hawk.

- I thought I heard that.
- Yeah.

But I wasn't sure
I heard it right.

- S‐C‐H?
- S‐C‐H.

You know,
you got the "schmo."

- (laughing)
- It's a schmo. Yeah.

It's the browsing, right?
You can't stand it.

- You hate it.
- No browsing.

- No browsing. Yeah.
- No browsing.

- You own this stand?
- No. I work for the owner.

What do you do
if you have to go
to the bathroom?

I don't go.

You don't go.

The whole shift,
you don't go?

I can't go.
I have to watch.

All right. You know what?

Do you have to go
to the bathroom now?

- Go. I'll watch it.
- You'll watch it?

- I'll watch the stand. Go.
- Okay. Put this on.

‐Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
‐Thank you.
Thank you so‐‐

Yeah. You're, you're,
you're welcome.

I really have to go.

- No browsing, okay?
- No browsing.

- You browse, you buy.
- You browse, you buy.

‐Thank you.
‐Take your time.
Take your time.

Get your papers here.
Papers!

Magazines. Newspapers!

Sir.

- Oh.
- Sir.

- Sorry, no browsing.
- I'm not browsing.

The rule here is,
you buy, then browse.

Customer:
I browse to buy.

I know, but that's‐‐
I'm sorry.

That's, that's just
not gonna work.

What the fuck?

- Hey!
- Hey.

Yeah, sorry. Yeah.

L.D. What the‐‐
What are you, nuts?

- No.
- Are you having
a breakdown?

- Richard: Hey, Jon.
- Hey, how are you?

‐Jon Hamm.
‐Yeah, it's nice to meet you.
Big fan.

What is‐‐ What the f‐‐
What, are you guys...

- ...escaped from
a mental institution?
- No.

The guy had to go
to the bathroom,
so I took over.

‐So get this‐‐
‐What, what are
you guys doing?

Jon's starring in a movie.

- Well, what else is new?
- And the character...

The character's based on me.

So he's kind of shadowing me.

What's the name of the movie?
The Biggest Asshole...

- ... That Ever
Roamed the Earth?
- Larry: Oh, I like that.

- (laughing)
- Yeah, that's, that's good.

- I'll tell Hobe.
- That's good.

You're a great actor,
but this could be the end.

So what are you doing?

You know Michelle,
the CEO...

- ...I'm dating?
- Yeah, I know she's a CEO.

Well, I gotta go
furniture shopping
with her today.

Furniture shopping?

Yeah, but I gotta
really get going.

- Larry: Okay.
- Why don't we have a meal?

We haven't had dinner
in a while.

Yeah, let's do it.
Let's have dinner.

- Can, uh, Michelle come?
- No.

Listen, I‐‐
I really want her
to come. I‐‐

I really would appreciate it.

See? See what I'm saying
with the "appreciate"?

- I'm finally starting to get it.
I see what you're saying. Yes.
- Huh? You see it?

Richard:
What are you
talking about?

I don't succumb
to "appreciate."

I'm not gonna bring her.
For you, okay?

- Larry: Yeah.
- To honor our friendship.

- But she's gonna give me
shit for it.
- Larry: So what?

You're gonna pay
down the line for this.

- You text me where you
want to meet, asshole.
- Okay.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

- Oh, sure.
- That was quick.

- I feel so much better.
- I'm sure you do.

- Get this off me.
- Okay.

- What do I owe you?
- You owe me nothing.

- Nothing. Oh, boy.
- Larry: No. I insist.

- Yeah.
- Thank you. That piss
was worth $10, easy.

Well, see ya, man.
I mean, look what you did.

Yeah.

A $10 piss.

- Mm. Mm.
- And he offered me $10
to take a piss.

- Wow.
- And I'm thinking...

what a great idea
for a business.

You relieve people
who have jobs

where they can't
use a bathroom.

Toll booth collectors,
shoe shine stands,

parking garage attendants.

They contact you
on your phone,
it's an app,

and then you go down
and man the store,

when they go to the bathroom.

Do you know how many times
I've peed

in a fuckin'
Gatorade bottle

when I couldn't find
a fuckin' bathroom?

Plenty of fuckin' times.

Mm‐hmm.

And know how
many times I forgot

I peed in that
Gatorade bottle

and drank that shit?
Once.

That's a fuckin'
good idea.

Thanks for sharing
that story.

This could be
the pee Amazon.

- You know? This, this is big.
- This could be big.

- This could be very big.
- Every fuckin' where.

- Yeah.
- Very big. We need a name.

- Poober.
- Poober!

- Meh. It's too close to Uber.
- Meh.

I got something.

"Gotta Go."

- Like that.
That's catchy as hell.
- You like that?

♪ ♪

(police siren in distance)

(doorbell rings)

- Oh. Hey!
- Hey, Becky.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

Yeah. Okay. Come on.

Larry: (scoffs)
Wow.

What, did you have
a party in here?

Nope. Nope. Just me.

Can I make you
something to drink?

Uh, no, thanks.

Okay.

You know, you're trying
to sell a house.

- It's‐‐ (laughs)
- Oh.

It's gonna be hard
to sell a house like,
like this.

I gotta tidy up a bit,
I know.

You know, it's all based
on first impressions.

- People come over,
they're gonna see this...
- Yeah.

...and then no one's
gonna buy it.

All right.
I'll take care of it, Dad.

- (laughs) Oh. Yeah.
- Hey.

Heard about the whole
Cheryl‐Ted blowup in Mexico.

‐Oh.
‐(laughs)
Oh, boy.

- Little bit of ash. Sorry.
- Yeah, that was...

- That was wild.
- Yeah, that made me happy.

‐Oh, you‐‐ Really?
‐Little Miss Perfect.
Yeah.

It made me feel better
about myself.

Boy, you two used
to get along so well.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

You sure I can't get you
something to drink?

No. What are you drinking
in the daytime for?

- Who drinks in the daytime?
- People who go to brunch.

Well, we're not at brunch.

Okay.
So I am not having
a mimosa.

- All right.
- What, what, what do you‐‐
What do you want?

- What, what's going on?
- Okay. Well,

obviously, I heard
you're selling the house.

Yeah.
(clears throat)

You know,
the thing is, Becky,

you know, I did buy you
the house, so...

- I know.
- It's kind of my house.

‐No. No, you‐‐
‐I paid for the house.

- And I thought it was only
fair and reasonable‐‐
- Okay.

I'm gonna let you
keep the profits

to, to the house.

But of course,
I'll get my investment back.

No, no, no. No.

- Hey.
Say I gave you $700,000‐‐
- It's my house.

Please don't do
this to me, okay?

Please don't do this.
This is my house.

It's all I have left.

(sobbing): Oh, my God.
Please don't do this to me.

I, I lost my job.

And my boyfriend
broke up with me.

‐Geez. Don't cry‐‐
‐He was from Poland,

and it turns out
all he wanted was a visa.

- (sobbing)
- Okay, you...

Forget, forget it.
You, you, you can keep
the house.

You can keep all the money,
keep, keep the profits.

- Keep, keep it all.
- (Becky panting)

- Is this a joke?
- No. No. No.

- You mean it?
- Keep it all.

- Thank you, Larry.
- Keep it. You can have it.

Yeah. It's okay.



- Really?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- I know.

I think I always had a secret
little crush on her.

- Me too.
- Yeah.

It was in the daytime.

I love daytime sex.

You're filled with energy.

- Yes! I mean, nighttime,
you're so close to going to bed.
- Filled!

- Right!
- Why are you doing that
before you go to bed?

- The whole thing should be
all flipped around.
- I know.

- It should never happen
at night.
- The daytime.

- Always during the day.
- Yes.

Ah. It's Jon.

- What's going on?
- Nothing. We're just
going out to dinner.

- Is that working out okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Cheryl:
Where is he?

Did you have sex
with my sister Becky?

Who said that?

Becky!

What did she say?

She said,
"Guess who I fucked?"

- Huh...
- Oh, my God.

- He did.
- Oh, my God!

- What, what are you thinking?
- I was there,

and she was,
she‐she was upset,
she was sobbing,

and I consoled her, and...

And, you know, it just,
it happened.

- Larry: That's why.
- Yeah, what about the money?

I told her, uh,

she didn't have to, uh,
share the money with me.

- Oh, my God.
- That's, that's
like prostitution.

- It was consensual sex
between two adults!
- Oh, my God.

- There's nothing wrong
with that, as far as I know!
- Susie: She was vulnerable.

We were all in the
living room over there

when you gave a big speech,

and you were gonna
march over there

- and get your money back
for that house.
- I did march over there,

and then I felt sorry for her.

‐Oh, my‐‐
‐Yeah, you marched over there,

you got
a fuckin' blow job,

and then you gave
the house away.

There's a million
fuckin' women
in the world.

- You have to have sex
with Cheryl's sister?
- What?

- Oh. Hey, Jonny.
- (Jon laughs)

Uh, yeah.
The door was ajar.

The fuck are you
doing in my house?

What is Jon Hamm
doing in my house?

- He's, he's, um...
- Hold on. Yeah,
I should get this down.

He's starring in a movie,

and he's kind of,
you know, shadowing me.

He's bas‐‐
The character's based on me.

So, the character
is a disgusting pervert?

That's good.
(laughs)

It's actually not funny,
Jon Hamm.

Oh, no, no. I'm not here.
Act like I'm not here.

- I'm just a fly
on the wall. Just, uh‐‐
- Larry: Hey.

- New sneaks?
- Oh, yeah.

- Good, right?
How comfortable?
- Love 'em.

‐Yeah.
‐Cheryl: Hey, guys?
This is not the time, okay?

It's my house,
you're in my house.

- Jon: I'm terribly sorry.
- You crossed a line...

- ...this time.
- You crossed a line!

- Oh, my God.
- Larry: I didn't cross a line.

I went over the line
that you already crossed.

- What?
- Larry: He's a friend.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Ted and Larry,

it's just like
you and your sister.
It's the same thing.

- It's nowhere close.
- It is not close.

It is close! She slept
with my friend, Ted Danson.

‐Okay?
‐Larry: Okay.
That's fine.

- But I can't sleep
with her sister?
- It feels like the same thing.

- Because Ted is like
a sister to Larry.
- Larry: Yeah!

No. It's a relationship
with Ted.

- It's not,
I didn't just go have s‐‐
- Larry: Oh, it's a relationship?

Who's to say that I'm not
gonna have a relationship

- with Becky,
what do you mean?
- Cheryl: Oh, my God.

Susie:
You know how jealous
Becky is of Cheryl.

You know that Becky thinks
of herself as Princess Margaret,

and that Cheryl
is Queen Elizabeth.

- Yeah. Right.
- Yeah. Oh, and you think
you're Prince Philip?

Is that what you're saying?

- Yeah.
- Cheryl: Oh, my God.

Prince Philip would put
a fucking gun to his head

before he had you
representing him.

Again, real quick,
are we talking about
The Crown now?

- Yeah.
- How good is that show?

You know what, Jon Hamm,
it was nice meeting you.

But, really,
this is between us.

You know what,
I've heard enough.
Come on, Jonny. Let's go eat.

- I'll call you.
- You've had enough...

- ...you petty piece of shit.
- Thank you so much,
by the way.

Susie:
Yeah, it's great.
It's great.

- Go, go be him, asshole.
- Thank you.

- Aw, man.
- Larry: What are you doing?

You just plopped
that into your,
into your water?

Yeah, I plopped it in
because I like lime
with my water.

I know but they,
they don't wash
these rinds.

You gotta have
some trust in people.

You ever see
signs in bathrooms,
"Wash before leaving"?

It doesn't matter
if their hands are clean.

‐Richard: They don't have to‐‐
‐The rind's dirty.

- You get a disease.
- Aah, please.

It's bullshit.

And I'm really irked
about something, man.

Did you say "irked"?

- Yeah, irked.
- I never heard you use
that word before, but go ahead.

I'm irked because‐‐
with all due respect‐‐

Jon is here, and Michelle is‐‐

you wouldn't let Michelle
come to dinner.

I have to watch
my Ps and Qs.

I don't wanna watch
Ps and Qs.

Do you wanna watch
Ps and Qs?

What are you, Shari Lewis?
Where's Lamb Chop?

- In your pants?
- (laughing)

- Look, she's irked.
- She's irked.

So you're both irked?

She's so angry at me
that I had to, you know,
make an excuse.

Oh. What did you say?

I said you had
a bleeding rectum,

and that you were
worried and scared,

and you needed
to talk to me alone,

and you'd be embarrassed
if she heard it.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

- Well...
- You couldn't think of
a better excuse than that?

You should have called me.
I got thousands of 'em.

- I can't even face her now.
- Why not?

Nobody respects a person
with a bleeding rectum.

You think Lincoln
could have prosecuted a war

if people knew he had
a bleeding rectum?

And by the way, when you
come to the dinner party

in a few days,
I would not mention it.

Who mentions that
at a dinner party?

Do I still have it
or‐or am I over it?

No, I left it open.

Sorry to hear that.

Jon:
I also‐‐ Can I say,

we ordered this
kind of for the table,

and I feel like you've
gone way over your

appetizer allotment
at this point.

- My allotment?
- Jon: Well,
there's three of us.

- We each get a third.
- Who makes up
that fuckin' rule?

Both:
It's an unwritten rule.

Oh, my God.

There's two Larry Davids.

Holy shit.

Pretty good.

Pretty, pretty good.

Both:
Aah.

(knocking on door)

- She threw me out.
- She threw you out?

- Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep.
- Why?

Well, she doesn't like
the way I defended you
being with Becky.

- Come on in.
Make yourself at home.
- I will.

I, I gotta go.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to Becky's.

Oh. If you keep going
to Becky's,

I can't go home.

Keep going to Becky's.

- I'll see you later.
- Bedroom's upstairs.

- Second one.
- Got it.

Okay.

(clattering)

♪ ♪

(whistling)

(clattering)

No.

♪ ♪

You're welcome.

(both laughing)

We did it.
We did it!

You didn't expect
an airport drop‐off,
did you?

- Nope. Nobody expects
an airport drop‐off anymore.
- Ah? Airport drop‐off.

- All right, well,
have fun skiing.
- I will.

I'll text you when I land.

- Eh, not necessary.
- I didn't really want to.

- Yeah.
- It's like an extra,
unnecessary step.

- I'll find out if you're dead.
- Yeah, yeah. You'll know.

- Yeah.
- You got big plans
for when I'm gone?

I'm gonna help
a friend out

with his, uh,
with his new business.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Bye.

Leon:
He told her you had
a bleeding rectum?

Yeah. Now I gotta
walk around

knowing this woman thinks
I have a bleeding rectum.

I can't live like that.

'Cause once that
starts to spread,

she's gonna tell everybody.

And the worst part is,

no one's ever gonna know
that the bleeding stopped.

People are thinkin',
how does he stop
the bleedin'?

Is he wearin' a pad?

Is he, is he a little boy,
a little Dutch boy

with his finger in his ass,

with wooden shoes on,
with socks to his knee,

little shorts on, little vest,
little top hat on,

with his finger
in your damn rectum?

Right. Right.

Hey.
There's a parking lot.

- Woo, let's go.
- Yeah, let's do it.

(laughing)
Get to work, baby.
"Gotta Go"!

Can I help you guys?

We got, uh, we got a little
business proposition for you.

My name's Larry.

- Hey, Larry.
- This is Leon.

- I'm Bill.
- Here. Here you go, Bill.

- "Gotta Go"?
- That's right.

You ever sit in that booth
at this time of day

and gotta go to the bathroom,
what do you do?

I just stay in the booth.

I can't go anywhere,
just gotta hold it in.

Until now.
For a dollar a minute,

five dollar minimum,
I will sit in that booth

while you go
and use the bathroom.

- You're serious?
- Very serious.

- Right now,
I really have to go.
- Larry: Go!

Leon:
Go ahead, brother.

- I'll be right back.
- My man.

- Thank you.
- My man, I got you!

My man, you gotta go!

Ha‐ha!

- Look at this shit,
Larry. Woo!
- Huh? Told ya.

- Did I tell ya? Huh? I told ya!
- You fuckin' told me, Larry.

- You order a "Gotta Go"?
- Yes, I gotta go.

- Okay. You go.
- Thank you.

- Before I gotta go.
Get on out of here.
- Okay.

- Gino! Go handle
your business.
- Bye.

- (spits)
- Hey. Excuse me.

- You just spat on my shoe.
- It's a fuckin' spit shine.

- It's a‐‐ Stop!
- (spits)

Stop!
Stop spitting on my shoe.

I'm not, I'm not paying
for this.

- Okay?
- Your tips are appreciated.

Give me a fuckin' break.
I'm not giving you a cent.

Fuck it, then.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't work here.

Woo!

Ha‐ha! Woo!

♪ ♪

Thank you.

- Thank you for having me.
- Thank you.

- Yes, indeed.
- My pleasure to have you.

- And by the way,
your home is lovely.
- You're welcome.

I should be complimenting
you, too, because‐‐

Richard:
Well, I did pick out,

I would say,
a majority of the stuff.

Jon:
Well, I can tell.
Great taste.

Michelle (muttering):
He's sitting down, Richard.

Richard, he's sitting down.
I can't‐‐

He's gotta sit somewhere.

- I can't‐‐
I don't want‐‐
- You know what?

You can't sit on the arm.
It's too thin.

- No, I like a thick, cushy arm.
- I agree with you.

Excuse me, everyone,
but dinner is ready.

- Please follow me
into the dining room.
- Okay.

This way.

We have assigned seating,
so everyone find your name.

- Jon: Here we are.
- Welcome. Here we are.

Richard, darling, this way.

- Richard: Thank you, babe.
- Michelle: Next to me.

- Thank you.
- Michelle.

Wh‐what's with the, uh,
wooden chair here?

Oh, you know,
I'm so sorry.

I‐I‐‐ This set only
comes with seven chairs.

- Seven chairs.
- Richard:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- How unusual.
- Richard:
I was with her.

‐I never heard of that before.
‐Yeah. You know what?
It was odd.

It was weird,
but I, I loved them,
so, I went with it.

- Ah.
- Richard: Hey,
we're having a dinner.

- Come on.
Let's enjoy ourselves.
- Okay, sure. You're right.

- Let's all enjoy.
Let's enjoy.
- Yes!

- Michelle: Let's enjoy.
- Let's enjoy.

- That's the spirit.
That's the spirit.
- There we go.

- Yes, let's enjoy.
- Bless the new table.

- About time.
- Can I, uh, talk to you
in the kitchen...

- ...for a second?
- Who, me?

- Yeah.
- What now?

You got me sitting
in that wooden chair?

- It's embarrassing.
- It's new furniture.

She's afraid if you sit on it,
you're gonna ruin it.

I don't have
a bleeding rectum. Okay?

And even if I did,

it's not gonna bleed
onto the chair.

How stupid!
You could have said
a million different things.

A rectum came
to my mind first.

You could have at least
said I was better,
that I was over it.

- I forgot.
- All right.

The chair's in the house.

You tell the CEO
that I want that chair.

You can't get one.

If I don't get
a normal chair,

I'm gonna blow this
bullshit bleeding rectum story

sky high. Okay?

So get me a normal chair.

I'd really appreciate it.

All right,
you'll get the chair.

- Okay?
- Michelle: That's great.

Let's get
the salads, and...

egg rolls out.
We'll wait about
15 minutes for dinner?

Hey, Michelle.
Hi, honey.

- Hi. What's going on?
- Listen, I spoke to Larry,

and he's really embarrassed,
and, uh...

you gotta get him the chair.

- Oh, no. Absolutely not.
- You have to get him
a regular chair.

No, he's not‐‐
he's not sitting
in the chair.

- No.
- He said he'd really
appreciate it.

Really? He said that?
He said he would appreciate it?

Yeah,
I wouldn't lie to you.

Okay. Okay, fine.
Fine, fine.

Let him, let him sit
in the chair, but...

if he bleeds in my new chair,

you're in big fuckin' trouble.

(sighs)

- All: Ooh.
- Mm.

Cassie:
Okay. So, Jon.

- you're playing
a Larry‐type character...
- Yes.

...in this movie.
So, uh,

what does
the character even do?

- He's a sitcom writer.
- Cassie: Of course.

Uh, but the whole‐‐
Very successful.
The whole thing is,

it turns out that
the thing he's most known for,

his big sitcom
that he created,

he stole it from
an Australian sitcom.

- Larry: What?
- The guy's a total fraud.

He stole the idea.

‐He stole‐‐
‐What?

What do you mean?
Stole it?

I didn't steal anything.

No, in the movie,
not you.

- It sort of implies that...
- Larry: Yeah!

- ...their show is stolen.
- Larry: Yes!

The character's name
is Lawrence Dean.

- Lawrence Dean? What?
- It isn't the same
as Larry David.

Hey, hey, hey.
Guess what I found?
I found a chair!

All:
Oh!

Yes! Hey!

- What a miracle.
- Richard:
It was in the garage.

Michelle: How come
you didn't tell me?

Richard:
I didn't know it was a chair.

- It was all wrapped up.
- Ooh.

It was wrapped up
in plastic.

I thought it was, uh,
my dead grandmother's ghost.

- I didn't know
what the fuck it was.
- How could you not tell me?

- What a lucky thing.
- Richard: Yeah.

Because they didn't know,
and they just found it

‐in the garage.
‐It all worked out.
Look at that!

- They're very comfortable,
very pretty.
- Larry: Yeah.

It's very bouncy.
It's, it's kind of bouncy.

Larry:
Yeah. I love this chair.

Jon:
Now we can eat.

- Want more of these?
- Larry: Ah. Love Chinese.

Thank you.

You guys, do you pick up
the rice bowl and eat it
like this?

Or do you start
on the table,

and then pick it up,
pick the rice up?

You pick up
the bowl first.

Oh, you pick it right‐‐
eat it right out
of the bowl.

Yeah, eat right out
of the bowl.

It's just like eating it
over the garbage can.

‐Alex: Huh?
‐Larry: Yeah, yeah.
In a way.

Oh, Michelle.

- The walnut shrimp
is scrumptious.
- Mm.

Scrumptious?

- You think so?
- It's really good.

- What are we waiting for?
- I mean, come on. Come on.

- Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
I want the walnut shrimp?
- What are you doing?

Andy:
I'm turning the Lazy Susan
the way it should be turned.

- In order.
- Larry: No, no,
no, no, no.

A Lazy Susan is like
a roundabout, okay?

I'm sorry,
I don't think
you're right.

‐Cassie: Okay, can I‐‐
‐I don't think you know
how a roundabout works.

It's first come, first serve.
That's a roundabout.

- I do know how
a roundabout works.
- I don't think you do.

- It works like a Lazy Susan.
- Larry: No!

‐The cars‐‐
‐That's now how
a lazy Susan works.

- Can I ask you a favor, please?
- It's how a lazy Susan‐‐

Can I ask you both a favor?

Can you please not use
that term "Lazy Susan"?

It's got racist and sexist
connotations,

and I'd really prefer

- you just not call it that.
- Whoa.

- Larry: Lazy Susan?
- Yes.

Who's that racist towards?
Susans?

- Larry: That's crazy.
Where'd you get that?
- Cassie: Okay.

I would just like you
to not use the term.

You're right.
You know what?
It should be‐‐

We should definitely
start using
the Ambitious Susan.

Yes, yes. Please spin
the Indefatigable Susan.

Oh, can we have
the Multifaceted Susan
my way, please?

Yeah, spin
the Industrious Susan.

Ooh, can you spin
Ambidextrous Susan,
please.

- Oh, the Ambidextrous Susan.
- Yes, both ways.

- Both: Both ways.
- So funny. You want it?

- You want it?
You want your stuff?
- Whoa!

♪ ♪

- (gasps)
- Whoa!

Richard:
Oh, man.

- Andy: Oh, boy.
- What did you do?

‐Larry: What? I, I didn't‐‐
‐What did you do?

- She spun the thing
around like that.
- The thing, it was too fast.

- You wouldn't shut up!
- (all arguing)

I don't give a shit!
I want you out!

- You're kicking me out?
- Michelle: Yeah. And you,

Larry David Junior,
you can go, too.

- You're kicking me out.
- Yes, Jon Hamm.

- Hey, you're getting kicked out.
Look at that, beautiful.
- What's up, huh? Hey.

Out!

- All right.
- All right.

- Okay. (grunts)
- We should, uh...

- Eh.
- Eh.

(cell phone rings)

Larry:
Hey.

Becky: Larry.
Oh, thank God
you answered.

I just got in a huge accident
on Mount‐‐

- (screams)
- Wha?

Becky (over phone):
It was a ski school
of children.

They just flew
right in front of me. Ow!

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

They're taking me
to a hospital,

and I don't‐‐
I just don't know
where it is or...

- I don't know this town.
- Okay, don't worry
about a thing.

I'll be on the next flight
to Denver.

- You would do that for me?
- Of course.

Oh, my God, Larry.
You really are a prince.

Don't worry. I'm calling
my travel agent right now.

Thank you so, so much.
Ow!

- (phone rings)
- Westside Travel and Tour.

‐Eliza speaking.
‐Oh, hi. It's Larry David.
I have an emergency.

I need to get
on the next flight
to Denver, please.

I've got one leaving
in an hour and 40 minutes.

Perfect. Fantastic.
Book it.

Eliza:
Oh, you're lucky.
There's only one seat left.

19E.

19E.

It's a coach seat.
Oh, it's a middle seat.

Shall I book it?

Any other flights
going to Denver?

We've got a two,
a four,

and a six.

Anything in rows...
one through four?

The only thing left
is coach.

Okay.

Give me the next
first‐class flight to Denver.

It's not until 9:00 p. m.

9:00 p. m. Perfect.
I'll take it. Book it.

Eliza:
Very well.

(cell phone rings)

Hey.

Hey, Larry.

I got a "Gotta Go"
emergency.

I'm at the shoe shine shop,
right?

And the guy must have
food poisoning.

He's stuck on the fuckin'
toilet right now.

So? What do you want
me to do?

I need you to cover for me
at the newsstand.

The guy relies on me
for his six o'clock piss.

- I'll call you back.
- Leon (over phone):
Okay. Okay.

- Larry: (claps) Hey.
- Yeah.

I need you to do me a favor.
Actually, do Leon a favor.

He needs somebody
to fill in for him
at the newsstand.

- For the "Gotta Go" app?
- Yeah.

I can't do it.

No, no. You gotta do it.
I can't do it,

because I have
to fly to Denver.

- I already got
my sweats on.
- So what?

Yeah, well, once I got
my sweats on,

there's no going back.
I got my sweats on.

What is it, an immutable
law of physics?

Once you're in sweats,
you can't get out?

Newton's Law of Sweats?

It's Jeff Greene's Law
of Day Over.

Listen, I'd really
appreciate it.

- I'm in my sweats!
- (phone rings)

- Hello?
- Larry, what the fuck
you doin', man?

- Goddamn!
- Larry (over phone):
All right, okay!

Shut the fuck up!
I'll come!

Thank you.
Thank you, by the way.

- (sneezes) Wow.
- Larry: God bless you.

Hey.

- Hey. I'm from "Gotta Go."
- Larry?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh.

- I really gotta go.
- Okay. Okay. Hurry up.

- Okay. I'll be quick.
- Okay.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah. Hurry up.

Okay.

(distant siren wailing)

Fuck.

Oh, my God.

- (phone rings)
- Hello?

Larry (over phone):
The newsstand guy
left 15 minutes ago.

Hasn't come back.

I gotta catch a plane to Denver.

Hey, no browsing.

Hey, do you carry
Vegan Living?

Who gives a shit?
Get the hell out of here.

You gotta come
and relieve me.

I can't, Larry.
I'm at the shoe shine stand.

This guy's taking
a $40 shit.

Larry (over phone):
Aw! All right,
I'll get somebody else.

Thanks very much.
Hey.

Larry:
Hey!

- I got your back.
- Oh, my God.

- You are a lifesaver.
- No worries, no worries.

- Thank you so much.
- Not at all.

Jonny.

Really appreciate this.

Hey, no prob‐‐

- Ah? (laughing)
- Larry: Ah?

I get it.
(laughs)

Larry:
Oh, my God.

Excuse me, I'm so sorry.

I got seven minutes
to catch the plane.

It sounds like a lie,
but it's not.

I'm not a cutter by nature.

Um, my, my girlfriend
got in a skiing accident.

You know,
she's my ex‐wife's sister.

We don't have to get
into that, but,

nevertheless,
thank you so much.

- I really appreciate it.
- Next.

Are you together?

No.

Man:
No.

Why would you think
we were together?

No reason.

- No, no reason at all?
- No reason?

I just assumed
you were a couple‐‐

- Woman: You assumed?
- Man: You assumed‐‐

- Oh, really?
- You assumed
we're a couple. We‐‐

I mean, I've never‐‐
I mean, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- Yeah, see, look,
we just met.

Honest mistake.

But why did you
make the mistake?

- That's what I'm wondering.
- Any two people standing
together could be a couple.

Two men, two women.

If I saw a man
wearing a yarmulke,

standing next to a woman
wearing a kerchief

and carrying a mahjong set,

I would think
they were a couple.

- What?
- It's just
a natural assumption.

Anyway, I'd love to continue
our discussion.

It's been very interesting.
I have to catch a flight
to Denver.

- Eh, there's a lot of
black people in Denver.
- Yeah. Tell 'em we said hi.

Hello, sir. Boarding pass?

(beeps)

You've been randomly selected
for a security search, sir.

What? What? Secure‐‐
What are you talking about?

- Can someone get my spot?
Thank you.
- Larry: Oh, please.

Are you kidding me?
Oh, they couldn't be
a couple.

Oh, it's crazy.

It has nothing to do
with that, sir.

Oh, it has nothing to do
with that?

- No.
- Come on, I'm gonna miss
my flight to Denver.

- Enjoy that search. Yeah.
- Enjoy it.

Honestly,
if you're looking‐‐

I wouldn't look in
the food and wine section.

I would look...
Los Angeles magazine.

Right down there.

You don't find what you need,

- look online.
Everything's online.
- Thanks.

Excuse me, ma'am.
No browsing.

No, I'm just looking
for an article that
Jay Inslee‐‐

Both:
Oh.

- Oh, hi.
- Cheryl.

- Jon.
- That's me.

- Hamm. Hi.
- Yes.

What are you doing here?

I'm just watching
the newsstand for Larry.

He had to‐‐
He had to jump out
and run to the airport.

I'm sorry.
Does Larry own
a newsstand now?

Great question.

- I don't have an answer.
- Okay.

- So you are Larry's
ex‐wife. Wow.
- Yeah. I know.

- I find that fascinating.
- Do you?

Oh, my gosh.
Spending the last few days
with him?

- I gotta know everything.
- It's a lot.

Well, do you wanna
just go get some coffee?

Sit down and talk?

- Now?
- Well, yeah. Why not?

- Okay. Uh...
- Let's go.

I mean, do you really
wanna hear...

Are you kidding me?
I wanna hear everything.

Cheryl:
You might be bored.
Ah, 17 years...

Jon:
Wow.

Do you recognize
that signature?

Leon:
He killed the motherfucker
'cause the waffles

had expired and shit.

Gonna sit in that room
and get interrogated‐‐

Hey. Okay? You happy?
You happy?

- I hope you're happy.
- What the fuck, man?

- I missed my flight to Denver.
- Jeff: Sorry.

Larry:
Oh, because you wouldn't
get out of your sweat pants.

Suppose there was an emergency?
Then what?

You take the sweat pants off?

Well, what kind of
an emergency?

Suppose, uh, your friend
was in a car accident.

- Which friend?
- Me. I got hit by a car.

How did you get hit by a car?

I, I got a piece of pizza, and,

and I was crossing the street,

and the, the cheese fell off,

and I bent down
to pick up the cheese,

and I got hit by a car.

Who the hell picks up cheese
in the middle of the street?

I don't want to litter
so I picked up the cheese

and I put it
in the garbage can.

No. You were gonna
pick up the cheese,

and put it on your pizza
and eat it.

Bullshit. I was not.
I was gonna throw it
in the garbage.

- You don't know.
- I know.

- What do you know?
No, you don't!
- I know.

And you, fuckstick,
don't ever ask me

to man any post for you again,
'cause I'm not doin' it!

Just consider me
in sweatpants all the time.

Fuck that job.
I quit that shit already.

- Wow. That was fast.
- Fuck, yeah. I'm in and out.

All right, I gotta go
text Becky now

and tell her I missed my flight
'cause of you two assholes,

and tell her I'll be on
the first flight out to Denver

tomorrow morning.
Actually, second flight.

Why second flight?

First class.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, my‐‐ Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

Cheryl:
Oh, look.

Latte Larry's.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Spite store.

- I heard about this.
- Yeah.

- This must be, uh...
- Mocha Joe's.

There we go.

Okay, don't tell Larry
we did this.

You got it.

I've never been
in this shop. I just‐‐

It's kind of a wobbly table,
you know?

It's like
my least favorite thing.

- It's all right.
- Mocha Joe:
Here we go.

- Two cups of coffee.
- Hey. Thank you very much.

Thank you so much
for coming in, Mr. Hamm.
How's that scone?

Uh, not so much a scone.

- No, it's a scone.
- Nah, this is like a muffin.

I mean, I'm just saying,
like, there's kind of a specific

quality that a scone has
that's sort of dry and crumbly.

This is sweet.
It's a little more like
a muffin than a scone.

What you are describing
is a stale scone.

- That's a, that's fresh one.
- I'm not sure you know
what a...

definition of a scone is.

It looks good.
I think, um...

- I'm just saying,
I'm saying it's a muffin.
- Let's not worry about it.

You want me to take it away?

No, I'm gonna keep the muffin.

- Thank you very much.
- You enjoy the scone.

- Yeah, I'll enjoy the muffin.
- Cheryl: I'm good.

- Thank you, that's great.
Thank you.
- Okay. Awesome.

It doesn't matter.

- Yeah. I'm just having
a good time.
- Hmm? Doesn't it?

Um...

Oh! So when
I first met Mocha Joe‐‐

Ugh. Oh, hold on.

- No. No. No.
- What's wrong?

Mocha Joe!

- Mocha Joe!
- Mocha Joe: Yeah.

This coffee's...
it's not hot.

- It's plenty hot.
- No, it's, it's plenty not.

- It's, it's, it is,
it is at best luke.
- It's hot.

- Oh, God.
- Jon: I don't know
what to tell you.

This is not, this is
not a hot cup of coffee.

- It's a hot cup of coffee.
- Coffee should be served hot.

- This is not hot.
- It's hot.

I beg to differ.
This is not hot.

And I tell you what.
Here's how I'll prove it
to you.

‐No, no, no, I don't know‐‐
‐Would I be able to do this?

Would I be able to do this

if this was a hot cup
of coffee?

- Oh. Oh.
- Okay.

- Doesn't even hurt.
Doesn't even hurt.
- I can't do this.

- This coffee's not hot.
- Jon Hamm...

- ...you have
turned into Larry.
- What‐‐

- I'm done. I can't do this.
- Cheryl‐‐

Cheryl:
God.

- Cheryl!
- No.

- Come on.
- Nope.

See, now look.
The table. Look at this.
All over the place.

- All right,
you know what, Jon Hamm?
- All over the place.

- Unbelievable.
- Get out.

Happy to.

And you're banned, Jon Hamm!

Jon:
I don't care!

Hey!

I'm here!

Look. Look! Flowers, balloons.

Larry David.
What could be better?

- Take a smell of that.
Yeah? Pretty good.
- Yep. Smells like flowers.

- Right? Where do
you want 'em? Here?
- Yeah.

Ugh.
I came as soon as I could.

Did you?

Yes, I did.

'Cause it's, uh, been
a little over 24 hours

since I called you
and you were gonna

hop on the next flight.
So I just, I've been
a little confused.

Big issue with the TSA
last night.

- Ugh. I'm not even gonna
bore you with it.
- Why would book a night flight?

I called you at 10:00 o'clock
yesterday morning.

Um, you know, the‐‐
I couldn't get a seat.
There were no seats.

There were no seats
on any of the planes?

There were...

no seats...

for me?

Are you talking about
first class seats?

Uh...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Becky: Yeah?

I broke my leg!

- I called you scared.
- Yeah.

- And hurt.
- Yeah. I know.

I'm not worth two hours
in a coach seat?

- You know. All right,
I'm gonna be...
- What?

- I'll just be straight
with you, okay?
- Yeah. That'd be great.

- I've been honest
with you up until now.
- Yes.

- So I'm gonna be honest
with you again.
- Go for it.

I have a bleeding rectum.

They're okay
with you bleeding

out of your rectum
in first class?

It's a more comfortable
place to bleed.

I think it's probably best
that you go.

- What?
- Yeah. Leave the flowers,

but take the ugly balloon,
and just go.

Okay.

- Hey. You gonna eat that Jell‐O?
- I'm not gonna eat the Jell‐O.

Hmm.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Ah! Mr. Takahashi!
How you hitting 'em, Mr. T?

- Not your concern.
- Ah.

♪ ("EL DESEO"
BY JANET SHERBOURNE PLAYS) ♪

LARRY DAVID: The color of a car
doesn't really matter to me,

because I don't really see it
when I'm inside the car.

It's like being inside
your face.

I don't know what my face
looks like.

- Who forgets their face?
- I'm in a capsule.

Everything's coming
from inside the capsule.

I haven't seen you take
one piece of red licorice yet.

Only black for you?

Something wrong with a person
supporting black and shit?

Black licorice,
black jellybeans...

- You feel me?
- No, I feel you.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪