Cuckoo (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Application - full transcript
Tired of her old job Rachel decides to go for a post with the Pegasus Alliance and writes a heart-rending application but misses the deadline. Ken decides to approach Pegasus boss Nina in person but when this fails Dale, taking a leaf out of his Chinese gangster boss's book. kidnaps Nina. To get Dale off the hook Ken has to pass himself off as a fellow abductee with his children and Ben in masks demanding a supposed ransom. but when this idea collapses Rachel decides to make the whole ruse work in her favour. Dale is also offered a job - as nanny to the new baby.
Ooh, Dr Lucy Worsley!
Ooh, interesting!
Go away, David Starkey!
Go away!
You have no place here.
Ugh, you're joking.
You jammy cow.
Henry Tudor ascended to the throne,
his Yorkish bride at his side.
And that is Ken Thompson's
world-famous history,
The War Of The Roses.
Any comment from you?
Any insightful analysis?
No? Oh, God, here we go.
Why paternity leave? Why?!
Oh!
Hello...
Yes, I do deserve them.
Raaaarghh!!!
Hi, Ben.
Sorry, today's going very slowly.
Still upset about Dale?
You pined for him for ages,
and then he came back,
head over heels in love
with someone else.
I wasn't thinking about that, actually,
but thanks for the reminder.
No problemo!
And, prepare for your day to be
turned around -
because someone is
getting a promotion.
- It's you!
- A promotion?
But, Ben, I never
applied for anything!
OK, so, Cathy is
retiring as office manager,
and Jane wanted a settled,
mother-hen-type figure for the office.
I looked her straight in the eyes
and I said,
"Rachel. The mother-hen
you want is Rachel."
OK, Ben, I didn't ask...
Almost 8k more, and there's a
guaranteed 12-month
full maternity cover, should you
ever, you know, want to settle down.
With someone.
So, what do you think?
Rachel, please, please stop crying!
It's unfathomable!
I'm interesting, Ben!
I've seen the world!
I've read Paulo Coelho!
I do not want to
be an office manager!
But you're an office assistant.
It's the way the world works.
I'd imagine that Paulo Coelho
was an assistant...
inspirational novelist!
But what if I
need more with my life, Ben?
Are we talking a sideways
move into HR?
No!
No, but don't dismiss it
out of hand,
it's got great career progression!
Dale?
When you were a businessman,
what area were you in, exactly?
Well, my boss, Mr Z, insisted
on secrecy in all his dealings.
A little quirk of his!
But I was across a few areas.
Client facing, results oriented.
Sorry if I'm bamboozling you with
all this jargon!
Well, I must say,
it all sounds very impressive.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, Mom, you're home!
- How was your day?
- Yeah, fine.
I hope you're hungry.
It's di shui dong
ribs with braised eggplant.
- Oh, sounds tasty.
- Always Ling's favourite.
Yeah, I'll probably just
have it in my room.
Something's up with Mom.
I mean, ever since I got
back from China,
she seems to be acting really cold
towards me.
Well...
It can be hard, can't it?
Getting reacquainted with people
you've had a thing with?
Oh, well, yes,
but not in this instance.
You see, before I went away,
Rachel told me
it was wrong that
I was in love with her.
So now I've found love with Ling -
who is amazing, by the way -
my friendship with Rachel should be
blossoming as never before.
Hello, my family.
Oh, someone's had
a nice day. Sid on good form?
Sidney was his usual truculent self.
But Daddy has found something to put
a spring in his step.
Really? What's that?
Ooh!
Tasty!
Ruby red and bright as a button,
a colourful trouser for a
happy fellow.
Who is this jaunty gentleman,
peacocking his way
around the Lichfield scene?
Why, it is I, Kenneth!
- You're having a mid-life crisis.
- Oh, shut up.
Feast your eyes on the rich
and velvety material.
Wow, are those traditional
costume, Ken?
Yes, Dale, as traditionally
worn by Laurence Llewelyn Bowen!
- I'm a shining star of manhood.
- I'll burn them.
You'll have to burn my legs, then,
cos they're not coming off.
Ha-ha, you did it, Dad,
you brought twat to the next level.
You bellend!
- Hey, can I have a lift?
- No. Where you going?
- Seeing Zoe.
It's a week till she goes to uni,
I think I can get to ten more shags.
But I have to see her every day.
Mum, lift?
All right, for young love.
Guys!
Oh, God, it's like an omen!
Practically the first job
to come up, and it is perfect!
Since when are you looking
for a job?
Since I realised I couldn't spend another
day in that office full of deadbeats.
- That would be my office then.
- Yep!
There's a new position at this
ace human rights charity,
the Pegasus Alliance.
- Oh, Nina runs that!
Yes, that's Nina's.
She speaks of it relentlessly.
I'm going to make start on
the application now.
Oh, yes! Food!
- There you go, Mom.
- Lovely, thank you. Delicious.
- Oh, nice trousers!
- I thank you.
- Give 'em me.
- Never!
- You know I'm going to burn them.
- You are not going to burn them.
- Ken, I cannot see them, I cannot...
Ignore her! I am the red-pantalooned
Pied Piper of all women!
Oh!
Rachel, that is hands down
the most moving job application
I've ever read.
I mean, your desolate days
after Cuckoo died,
your nights of sleepless crying?
I don't know if I'm
ever going to be happy again.
I really appreciate that, guys.
I mean, I did put my heart
and soul into it, so...
Chief Ken, you have to read
Rachel's job application,
it'll change your life.
- Oh!
- It's the saddest book I've ever read.
And I've read five books.
Really?! That good, is it?
Any criticism, however small,
is gratefully received, so...
OK, let's have a look.
It's quite full-on.
Yeah.
- How long is it till the deadline?
- Midnight.
Four hours? That's...
That's not enough time!
That's not enough time!
OK, quarter of an hour to go.
Come on, hand it in!
Ken, how could it possibly
need this much work?
Don't blame me,
I'm not the one who wrote
a job application in the style
of Angela's Ashes.
- Dad, it says they're looking
for someone creative.
- Don't be so naive.
Creative means, "Will take less money
if they're allowed to wear jeans".
There. It's ready,
your dad has saved the day.
"I have good organisation and
experience of Excel."
Ooh, this one's good too!
Budge up, I'm just going to upload
it onto their server.
And... send.
OK, why isn't it sending?
Send!
Dad, why isn't it sending?
Well, hang on...
- Send it!
- I'll do it...
- What's wrong with this robot?
- Three...
- It's frozen. For God's sake!
- Two...
- One!
- Come on!
Midnight!
Oh, thank God!
Ah, there we are! Well done, love!
Well done. Close though!
That was close.
"The deadline
passed at midnight on the 21st,
"we are no longer
considering applications"?
- What?!
- Bollocks!
Oh, fuck you!
Oh, well, thanks a bunch, Dad!
That really helped(!)
What?
- No way was that my fault.
- Oh, Jesus, Ken.
Go away.
Hey, it's just Dale.
- You OK?
- I don't get it, Dale.
Three years and not one thing has
gone right for me.
Am I cursed or something?
That is quite
the run of bad luck, huh?
First, your husband died in
the Himalayas,
then the website froze.
It's a double whammy.
Close the door
on your way out, OK?
Yeah, will do.
Hey, you know what Mr Z used to say
when a business decision
or something didn't go his way?
- No.
Oh, it means,
"The harder the battle,
the more brave the men become."
Dale, I don't know who's told you
you're a businessman, but as far
as I can tell, all you seem to do is
wear a suit and sunglasses.
Indoors!
I know, I have skills.
I can help you.
No.
Unless you can make Nina take a
late submission for this job, you can't.
You try your best to help them,
and what thanks do you get?
Sid's the most direct, he
just goes ahead and defecates on me.
Poor Rach.
First, Dale comes back, mooning over
some other girl, then this job.
She was really excited about it.
I know.
In many ways,
that job was her red trousers.
What sort of an evil witch denies
a person their red trousers?
I can turn this round.
I'll go and see Nina tomorrow.
See if the old Thompson
silver tongue can persuade her.
- You vomited on her.
- That was ages ago.
You punched her in the face.
- You completely ruined their
Christmas concert.
- Yes, all right.
They were more recent.
But you're forgetting that in a
previous, more pleasant life,
I was one of Lichfield's
finest lawyers.
- A professional in the art of persuasion.
- Ooh!
What are you going to persuade
me to do?
Hmm, well,
- I can think of a few things.
- Good!
Well, tell me about them
in the morning.
- Lorna, that's not fair,
you started that!
- I know.
Sometimes I'm all talk.
Come in!
Ken!
Nina!
- And baby!
- Yes!
- Aw!
Erm...
Oh, golly gosh!
Look at your trousers, wow!
Getting a lot of trouble from bulls?
- I don't know yet,
I've been avoiding the bull farm!
- The bull farm!
- Please do sit.
- May I?
- Yes, please.
There we are.
So, I haven't seen you since you
ruined the Christmas concert.
Oh, Nina, I am
so sorry about the concert.
And, of course,
about the punch and...
you know, the vomit.
- You're forgiven. I'm not the sort
of person who carries grudges.
- Aw!
So, what do you want?
I imagine I will grant it.
Well, Rachel was making an application
for the job at your charity.
And - it's a funny story,
actually...
Ha-ha-ha!
Ah-ha. Erm...
She tried to send it last
night online,
and, Gordon Bennett, your website
was frozen. It wouldn't send!
- Oh, shame,
so she missed the deadline?
- Yes.
But I thought, never mind, print off
a hard copy and just bring it in.
Sometimes the old-fashioned
ways are the best.
Ken, no, I'm sorry,
- I couldn't accept an application
past the deadline.
- Oh.
Oh, no, she tried to make
the deadline, so...
No, yes, well -
I couldn't give
Rachel special treatment, you know.
Everyone knows how close we are.
- Do they?
- Yes, they do, Ken.
No, I'm sorry, it would be immoral
of me to read it.
Oh, Nina...
(Who would know?)
I would know, Ken.
OK.
OK, well.
It's there, if you change your mind.
No, I won't!
- I'm pretty sure you will.
- I won't. Bye-bye.
Hmm...
- You might!
- I won't.
Aw.
Dad?
- Ooh, I like those trousers,
Ken, Lord, I do!
- Of course you do.
- Mind if I buy a similar pair?
- Yes, I mind.
- Do not.
- So, how'd it go?
Bad news, I'm afraid, love.
Nina was completely unreasonable.
Oh, well.
Thank you, universe(!)
Oh, love.
Listen,
I probably just caught
her on a bad day.
It'll be all right,
I'll have another word with her.
Hey, listen -
how about I put Sid down,
then I go and get us some Magnum
out the freezer?
Huh? Go on, then.
Ben, do you want one?
Plain chocolate, please, Ken,
the almond ones give me hives.
(What the f...?)
(Chief Ken!)
A little something I'm
doing for Rachel.
It's Nina!
What have you done, you lunatic?!
It's going to be a
while before she wakes up.
But, when she does,
I reckon she's going to consider
Rachel for that job after all.
Please say this isn't happening!
Oh, bollocks!
Dad, don't promise ice cream
and not...
Shh!
What?!
Oh, my God! What's going on?
- It's Dale, he's kidnapped Nina!
- Dale!
Yeah, it's a fail-safe business
technique I learned in China.
Step one - put your intended
business partner
in a room with a bag
over their head.
Step two - they'll pretty much do
anything you want.
Like give you the job
of your dreams.
You kidnapped Nina for me?
You're welcome, Mom.
Now, we'll get to negotiations just
as soon as the chloroform wears off.
Chloroform?!
- Yeah.
- Dale, we could go to prison!
Kidnapping is illegal!
Well, not if it's
for business purposes.
Yes, it's still exactly as illegal.
Pretty sure you're wrong about that,
Chief Ken,
because Mr Z, he did
kidnappings all the time.
And if that was illegal,
that would make him a criminal!
Which he always insisted he wasn't.
Dale, you have done a very bad thing
here, do you understand?
- A very, very bad thing!
- Ken? Is that you?
Yes, it was definitely you.
I'd know your voice anywhere.
Oh...
Yes.
Hi?
Oh, God, where are we?
Ken, have they kidnapped you too?
Yes.
I've been kidnapped too.
I don't know by whom,
or why,
but... Oh!
Ah!
I'm being dragged away now, Nina!
I'm being dragged away now!
- They're dragging me out now!
- Ken?!
- 'Ken!'
- You're insane! You're insane!
Chief Ken, I've got all covered.
Look.
'..If you touch
a hair on his head...!'
It's vital to track
negotiations at all times.
I improvised with Sid's
baby monitor! How neat is that?
It is very far from neat.
What the hell are we going to do?
- Dale, what sort of business
did Mr Z run exactly?
- All sorts.
- Clubs, casinos,
security services to local businesses.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah, and he shipped
a hell of a lot of poppy extract!
Dale, I think Mr Z may have been
a gangster.
Right.
And I suppose Chun Pat was
a gangster too, and Sen Yi?
And all my fun Triad buddies?
You are shitting me!
I'm not shitting you.
the chocolate ices,
almond ones are still a no-go,
but I'd say a big yes to one
of the mini ones...
- Ben, shut up!
Dale's kidnapped Nina, she's tied up
and drugged in our garage.
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, you got me!
'Help!
'Tell my children I love them!'
Oh, my God, this is a crime!
I'm implicated.
The Law Society will be furious!
I need to get out of here.
Ben, stay.
OK, I'll stay.
We need to come up with a
plan here, people.
Golly gosh, Chief Ken,
if you're so worried about it,
- I can just take Nina back.
- Nina thinks I've been kidnapped too!
If you take her back,
the first person the police will
investigate is me!
- For what?
- It's not like we're doing
anything illegal, guys.
- It IS illegal!
- All right, losers?
- 'Help! Help!'
- Dale kidnapped Nina for me.
- That is extreme.
Cool.
- Right, well, I'll be in my room.
- Get back here!
We need to decide what to do,
otherwise Dale is going to prison,
and Ben and I are going to
lose our livelihoods.
Imagine not being a lawyer!
I can't, I really can't!
Oh, it's you.
- What do you want?
- Just being a friendly neighbour, Ken.
We've had some complaints,
a woman was heard wailing.
Clearly audible from behind those
bushes over there.
- And who was listening from the bushes?
- I can't divulge my sources.
Seriously, Ken, what's happening?
(Is it Lorna?)
'..untie me from this chair!'
- Yes.
- Say no more.
Bit of 50 Shades in the garage, huh?
Nothing could be more natural.
Or beautiful.
- Can I...?
- No.
- I didn't finish. - You're going
to ask if you could watch. - I was.
Can I...?
'You won't get away with this!
'You mark my words,
you won't get away with this!'
Right.
We have to shut her up.
Oh, Ken, thank God!
Oh, Ken, what did they do to you?
Be quiet there, mate.
You bloody stay there,
otherwise I'll put you on the
barbie, ya cockatoos.
OK, one of them's Australian,
and the other, I just have no idea.
Where are we?
It's impossible to say.
Stop complaining,
you pommy bastard!
Or I'll put you on the barbie,
you cockatoos.
OK, Ken, look,
just don't provoke him, OK?
Please, what do you want from us?
Why are we here?
You must have taken
us hostage for a reason?
OK, this is the way I see it -
me and my very good friend Nina
here are trapped,
so why don't you go
and talk amongst yourselves
and decide on how we can resolve
the situation, yeah?
Oh, good plan, Ken! Erm...
I mean...
Bonza!
Jeepers, Ken.
I don't know how you
remain so brave and masterful.
I mean, that was like you were
giving them orders.
Nina, you can't show them any fear.
That is the first rule of
being kidnapped
by enigmatic terrorist vigilantes.
OK, well, they've left us alone now,
and that was their first mistake,
cos we can talk, right?
So, I would say...
I think we're in the garage
of a suburban house.
- Or a lock-up, or a bunker.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
- Hmm...
Unlikely. I mean, look,
there's a ripper skateboard there.
My Neil's got one of those.
No, my guess would be
we're in a family home where there's
a son about Neil's age.
Stop guessing, Nina!
OK? It's a trap!
Everything in here is
designed to make us
think what they want us to think.
Believe nothing.
Trust no-one.
Ugh!
OK, so far, we have three ideas.
Number one - convince Nina this
is all a dream.
- That one's my favourite.
- Number two -
something about fridges.
Yeah, no,
that never really developed.
Number three - kill ourselves and
frame her for the murder.
- Yeah, thanks, Dylan.
- It's not all mine. I saw it on CSI.
- Oh, Zoe. Laters!
- Dylan, where are you going?
Seeing Zoe?
Got nine shags to go.
So, I have an idea, but you're not
going to like it. Go on, then.
What if we hand Dale into the police
and he takes the rap for everything?
Wow! That's great idea!
I knew there was a way out,
you brainy box!
Good job, buddy. I'll just go to
jail. How long will I be there?
Five, ten years?
I'll be out before you can say
lickety-split!
Dale, you do not want to go to jail.
You know what happens to athletic
young men in jail.
Are they made to do gymnastics?
Because I LOVE gymnastics!
So it's sorted then!
Dale, when you give yourself up,
make sure that you say that you take
absolutely all the blame
for everything, OK?
- No, stop, OK.
- There has to be another way.
- Dale is fine with it. OK?
Now, I'm just going to make
a little call...
Rachel, I know it's hard.
But you will thank me when Dale
is in jail
and we are not in jail. OK.
Quick, stop him!
Quick! Dale!
Ben, I know this is tough, but you
do understand, don't you? Yeah?
Sorry, buddy, had to do it.
Why is that baby crying?
What are they doing to it?
It's probably nothing.
We just need to be quiet and...
maybe, in our hearts,
start to think about forgiving
our captors.
This could be the end, Ken.
I'd like to thank you for being
here with me.
- I mean, I had no choice.
- No, no, you have been wonderful.
'In fact, I've got a confession to
make. It's about Rachel.'
I didn't mind that Rachel got
her application in late.
Oh, well, that's excellent news!
No, no, to be honest,
'she just wasn't
really good enough for the job.
'I mean, you know, this is a very
prestigious position.'
We were looking for go-getters,
and Rachel skipped university
and hasn't really done much
'but sit on her arse ever since.'
'You know, we were hoping for a
certain standard of applicant, '
and she is very far off it!
Yeah. Yeah, must be
nice to get that out in the open.
Oh, wow.
I'm so sorry, Rach.
No, it's OK.
God, look at us!
You thinking you
were a businessman, and me
thinking I had any kind of a future
when it's already past rescuing.
Couple of idiots.
Oh, look, that must've come out the
bag the kidnappers put on my head.
A receipt?
I wouldn't bother with that.
No, it's fine,
I can read it from here.
"One pair of cherry
red trousers, 44" waist."
Yeah.
- That is quite interesting.
- That sounds like your trousers.
What trousers?
The ones you're wearing.
- Well, that's...
- It's odd that the kidnappers
would use your shopping bag.
Unless we're in your house?
Ken, I think this is your garage.
Nina, this is not my garage.
Ken, what is going on?
Nina, this is NOT my garage.
This is not my bloody garage, Nina!
I swear...
Ken, it's Lorna!
What are you doing
tied up there, you drombats?
Ken, this IS your garage!
YOU kidnapped me!
Wrong, Nina!
- Really wrong!
- Rachel?
Yeah, Nina, maybe my CV is rubbish,
but you said I'm not a go-getter.
Well, how go-getting's this?
- I kidnapped you.
- What?!
I had to get your attention somehow.
And if taking you hostage is what
it takes for you to
consider my application, well, yeah,
I don't regret it.
Rachel, kidnapping is a crime.
Yes. Kidnapping IS a crime.
It's happening to women and children
in North Korea, Nepal...
Erm... Somalia...
- Haiti.
- Haiti.
And we should be fighting it!
Because, sometimes,
to fight a crime,
you have got to commit
a crime yourself!
Oh-ho, yes!
That is a beautiful thought!
Give me that job, or bloody hell,
I'll just had to keep kidnapping you
until you do!
OK, Rachel,
I'm having a hard time processing
your logic.
- Yeah, I get that.
- But, erm...
I loved it.
I think that is the bravest job
request I've ever had.
You've got the job! Ha-ha!
- Great!
- Hell, yeah!
Yes! Wow, Ken, I bet you were along
with this all along, weren't you?
I might have been.
I definitely was!
Untie me, now.
Do you know what, I always thought
you were a bit more of a comedian
than an actor, but you're both.
Yeah, group hug!
Come on! Aw!
I told you it'd work, Chief Ken.
Wow.
So I spent six months furthering
the interests
of an international
criminal organisation?
- Yeah.
God, it must make you rethink
your whole China experience, eh?
Everything you did.
Everyone you met?
Yeah.
Well, except for Ling. I
remain as in love with her as ever!
Hello, you two.
Hey, Chief Ken.
I've been doing some research.
Turns out you were right about
that Triads thing.
I was fairly sure.
It's such a shame.
I'll miss having a vocation in life.
Dale, Ken and I have had a chat.
Thing is, I could do with some help
looking after Sid.
And you clearly can't be trusted on
your own, so...
- So we thought,
how do you fancy being Sid's nanny?
- Aw!
- A nanny? Is that a real job?
- Sure it is.
You'd live with me
and Lorn, just like you do now,
and you'd help me take care
of my darling heir and shit factory.
Wow!
That's amazing!
How much would I earn?
50 quid a week?
50 quids a week?
- No way! I'm rich beyond
my wildest dreams!
There you go, you can start now.
Roger that, Chief.
Oh, Dale?
You can do the night shift as well.
I'll get some kip.
I'll stay up all night!
This is going to be like a
sleepover, except I'm totally alone!
Goodnight, guys!
Dad, 50 quid?
Yeah, you are a tight stink.
Shit!
Did anyone untie Ben?
Ooh, interesting!
Go away, David Starkey!
Go away!
You have no place here.
Ugh, you're joking.
You jammy cow.
Henry Tudor ascended to the throne,
his Yorkish bride at his side.
And that is Ken Thompson's
world-famous history,
The War Of The Roses.
Any comment from you?
Any insightful analysis?
No? Oh, God, here we go.
Why paternity leave? Why?!
Oh!
Hello...
Yes, I do deserve them.
Raaaarghh!!!
Hi, Ben.
Sorry, today's going very slowly.
Still upset about Dale?
You pined for him for ages,
and then he came back,
head over heels in love
with someone else.
I wasn't thinking about that, actually,
but thanks for the reminder.
No problemo!
And, prepare for your day to be
turned around -
because someone is
getting a promotion.
- It's you!
- A promotion?
But, Ben, I never
applied for anything!
OK, so, Cathy is
retiring as office manager,
and Jane wanted a settled,
mother-hen-type figure for the office.
I looked her straight in the eyes
and I said,
"Rachel. The mother-hen
you want is Rachel."
OK, Ben, I didn't ask...
Almost 8k more, and there's a
guaranteed 12-month
full maternity cover, should you
ever, you know, want to settle down.
With someone.
So, what do you think?
Rachel, please, please stop crying!
It's unfathomable!
I'm interesting, Ben!
I've seen the world!
I've read Paulo Coelho!
I do not want to
be an office manager!
But you're an office assistant.
It's the way the world works.
I'd imagine that Paulo Coelho
was an assistant...
inspirational novelist!
But what if I
need more with my life, Ben?
Are we talking a sideways
move into HR?
No!
No, but don't dismiss it
out of hand,
it's got great career progression!
Dale?
When you were a businessman,
what area were you in, exactly?
Well, my boss, Mr Z, insisted
on secrecy in all his dealings.
A little quirk of his!
But I was across a few areas.
Client facing, results oriented.
Sorry if I'm bamboozling you with
all this jargon!
Well, I must say,
it all sounds very impressive.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, Mom, you're home!
- How was your day?
- Yeah, fine.
I hope you're hungry.
It's di shui dong
ribs with braised eggplant.
- Oh, sounds tasty.
- Always Ling's favourite.
Yeah, I'll probably just
have it in my room.
Something's up with Mom.
I mean, ever since I got
back from China,
she seems to be acting really cold
towards me.
Well...
It can be hard, can't it?
Getting reacquainted with people
you've had a thing with?
Oh, well, yes,
but not in this instance.
You see, before I went away,
Rachel told me
it was wrong that
I was in love with her.
So now I've found love with Ling -
who is amazing, by the way -
my friendship with Rachel should be
blossoming as never before.
Hello, my family.
Oh, someone's had
a nice day. Sid on good form?
Sidney was his usual truculent self.
But Daddy has found something to put
a spring in his step.
Really? What's that?
Ooh!
Tasty!
Ruby red and bright as a button,
a colourful trouser for a
happy fellow.
Who is this jaunty gentleman,
peacocking his way
around the Lichfield scene?
Why, it is I, Kenneth!
- You're having a mid-life crisis.
- Oh, shut up.
Feast your eyes on the rich
and velvety material.
Wow, are those traditional
costume, Ken?
Yes, Dale, as traditionally
worn by Laurence Llewelyn Bowen!
- I'm a shining star of manhood.
- I'll burn them.
You'll have to burn my legs, then,
cos they're not coming off.
Ha-ha, you did it, Dad,
you brought twat to the next level.
You bellend!
- Hey, can I have a lift?
- No. Where you going?
- Seeing Zoe.
It's a week till she goes to uni,
I think I can get to ten more shags.
But I have to see her every day.
Mum, lift?
All right, for young love.
Guys!
Oh, God, it's like an omen!
Practically the first job
to come up, and it is perfect!
Since when are you looking
for a job?
Since I realised I couldn't spend another
day in that office full of deadbeats.
- That would be my office then.
- Yep!
There's a new position at this
ace human rights charity,
the Pegasus Alliance.
- Oh, Nina runs that!
Yes, that's Nina's.
She speaks of it relentlessly.
I'm going to make start on
the application now.
Oh, yes! Food!
- There you go, Mom.
- Lovely, thank you. Delicious.
- Oh, nice trousers!
- I thank you.
- Give 'em me.
- Never!
- You know I'm going to burn them.
- You are not going to burn them.
- Ken, I cannot see them, I cannot...
Ignore her! I am the red-pantalooned
Pied Piper of all women!
Oh!
Rachel, that is hands down
the most moving job application
I've ever read.
I mean, your desolate days
after Cuckoo died,
your nights of sleepless crying?
I don't know if I'm
ever going to be happy again.
I really appreciate that, guys.
I mean, I did put my heart
and soul into it, so...
Chief Ken, you have to read
Rachel's job application,
it'll change your life.
- Oh!
- It's the saddest book I've ever read.
And I've read five books.
Really?! That good, is it?
Any criticism, however small,
is gratefully received, so...
OK, let's have a look.
It's quite full-on.
Yeah.
- How long is it till the deadline?
- Midnight.
Four hours? That's...
That's not enough time!
That's not enough time!
OK, quarter of an hour to go.
Come on, hand it in!
Ken, how could it possibly
need this much work?
Don't blame me,
I'm not the one who wrote
a job application in the style
of Angela's Ashes.
- Dad, it says they're looking
for someone creative.
- Don't be so naive.
Creative means, "Will take less money
if they're allowed to wear jeans".
There. It's ready,
your dad has saved the day.
"I have good organisation and
experience of Excel."
Ooh, this one's good too!
Budge up, I'm just going to upload
it onto their server.
And... send.
OK, why isn't it sending?
Send!
Dad, why isn't it sending?
Well, hang on...
- Send it!
- I'll do it...
- What's wrong with this robot?
- Three...
- It's frozen. For God's sake!
- Two...
- One!
- Come on!
Midnight!
Oh, thank God!
Ah, there we are! Well done, love!
Well done. Close though!
That was close.
"The deadline
passed at midnight on the 21st,
"we are no longer
considering applications"?
- What?!
- Bollocks!
Oh, fuck you!
Oh, well, thanks a bunch, Dad!
That really helped(!)
What?
- No way was that my fault.
- Oh, Jesus, Ken.
Go away.
Hey, it's just Dale.
- You OK?
- I don't get it, Dale.
Three years and not one thing has
gone right for me.
Am I cursed or something?
That is quite
the run of bad luck, huh?
First, your husband died in
the Himalayas,
then the website froze.
It's a double whammy.
Close the door
on your way out, OK?
Yeah, will do.
Hey, you know what Mr Z used to say
when a business decision
or something didn't go his way?
- No.
Oh, it means,
"The harder the battle,
the more brave the men become."
Dale, I don't know who's told you
you're a businessman, but as far
as I can tell, all you seem to do is
wear a suit and sunglasses.
Indoors!
I know, I have skills.
I can help you.
No.
Unless you can make Nina take a
late submission for this job, you can't.
You try your best to help them,
and what thanks do you get?
Sid's the most direct, he
just goes ahead and defecates on me.
Poor Rach.
First, Dale comes back, mooning over
some other girl, then this job.
She was really excited about it.
I know.
In many ways,
that job was her red trousers.
What sort of an evil witch denies
a person their red trousers?
I can turn this round.
I'll go and see Nina tomorrow.
See if the old Thompson
silver tongue can persuade her.
- You vomited on her.
- That was ages ago.
You punched her in the face.
- You completely ruined their
Christmas concert.
- Yes, all right.
They were more recent.
But you're forgetting that in a
previous, more pleasant life,
I was one of Lichfield's
finest lawyers.
- A professional in the art of persuasion.
- Ooh!
What are you going to persuade
me to do?
Hmm, well,
- I can think of a few things.
- Good!
Well, tell me about them
in the morning.
- Lorna, that's not fair,
you started that!
- I know.
Sometimes I'm all talk.
Come in!
Ken!
Nina!
- And baby!
- Yes!
- Aw!
Erm...
Oh, golly gosh!
Look at your trousers, wow!
Getting a lot of trouble from bulls?
- I don't know yet,
I've been avoiding the bull farm!
- The bull farm!
- Please do sit.
- May I?
- Yes, please.
There we are.
So, I haven't seen you since you
ruined the Christmas concert.
Oh, Nina, I am
so sorry about the concert.
And, of course,
about the punch and...
you know, the vomit.
- You're forgiven. I'm not the sort
of person who carries grudges.
- Aw!
So, what do you want?
I imagine I will grant it.
Well, Rachel was making an application
for the job at your charity.
And - it's a funny story,
actually...
Ha-ha-ha!
Ah-ha. Erm...
She tried to send it last
night online,
and, Gordon Bennett, your website
was frozen. It wouldn't send!
- Oh, shame,
so she missed the deadline?
- Yes.
But I thought, never mind, print off
a hard copy and just bring it in.
Sometimes the old-fashioned
ways are the best.
Ken, no, I'm sorry,
- I couldn't accept an application
past the deadline.
- Oh.
Oh, no, she tried to make
the deadline, so...
No, yes, well -
I couldn't give
Rachel special treatment, you know.
Everyone knows how close we are.
- Do they?
- Yes, they do, Ken.
No, I'm sorry, it would be immoral
of me to read it.
Oh, Nina...
(Who would know?)
I would know, Ken.
OK.
OK, well.
It's there, if you change your mind.
No, I won't!
- I'm pretty sure you will.
- I won't. Bye-bye.
Hmm...
- You might!
- I won't.
Aw.
Dad?
- Ooh, I like those trousers,
Ken, Lord, I do!
- Of course you do.
- Mind if I buy a similar pair?
- Yes, I mind.
- Do not.
- So, how'd it go?
Bad news, I'm afraid, love.
Nina was completely unreasonable.
Oh, well.
Thank you, universe(!)
Oh, love.
Listen,
I probably just caught
her on a bad day.
It'll be all right,
I'll have another word with her.
Hey, listen -
how about I put Sid down,
then I go and get us some Magnum
out the freezer?
Huh? Go on, then.
Ben, do you want one?
Plain chocolate, please, Ken,
the almond ones give me hives.
(What the f...?)
(Chief Ken!)
A little something I'm
doing for Rachel.
It's Nina!
What have you done, you lunatic?!
It's going to be a
while before she wakes up.
But, when she does,
I reckon she's going to consider
Rachel for that job after all.
Please say this isn't happening!
Oh, bollocks!
Dad, don't promise ice cream
and not...
Shh!
What?!
Oh, my God! What's going on?
- It's Dale, he's kidnapped Nina!
- Dale!
Yeah, it's a fail-safe business
technique I learned in China.
Step one - put your intended
business partner
in a room with a bag
over their head.
Step two - they'll pretty much do
anything you want.
Like give you the job
of your dreams.
You kidnapped Nina for me?
You're welcome, Mom.
Now, we'll get to negotiations just
as soon as the chloroform wears off.
Chloroform?!
- Yeah.
- Dale, we could go to prison!
Kidnapping is illegal!
Well, not if it's
for business purposes.
Yes, it's still exactly as illegal.
Pretty sure you're wrong about that,
Chief Ken,
because Mr Z, he did
kidnappings all the time.
And if that was illegal,
that would make him a criminal!
Which he always insisted he wasn't.
Dale, you have done a very bad thing
here, do you understand?
- A very, very bad thing!
- Ken? Is that you?
Yes, it was definitely you.
I'd know your voice anywhere.
Oh...
Yes.
Hi?
Oh, God, where are we?
Ken, have they kidnapped you too?
Yes.
I've been kidnapped too.
I don't know by whom,
or why,
but... Oh!
Ah!
I'm being dragged away now, Nina!
I'm being dragged away now!
- They're dragging me out now!
- Ken?!
- 'Ken!'
- You're insane! You're insane!
Chief Ken, I've got all covered.
Look.
'..If you touch
a hair on his head...!'
It's vital to track
negotiations at all times.
I improvised with Sid's
baby monitor! How neat is that?
It is very far from neat.
What the hell are we going to do?
- Dale, what sort of business
did Mr Z run exactly?
- All sorts.
- Clubs, casinos,
security services to local businesses.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah, and he shipped
a hell of a lot of poppy extract!
Dale, I think Mr Z may have been
a gangster.
Right.
And I suppose Chun Pat was
a gangster too, and Sen Yi?
And all my fun Triad buddies?
You are shitting me!
I'm not shitting you.
the chocolate ices,
almond ones are still a no-go,
but I'd say a big yes to one
of the mini ones...
- Ben, shut up!
Dale's kidnapped Nina, she's tied up
and drugged in our garage.
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, you got me!
'Help!
'Tell my children I love them!'
Oh, my God, this is a crime!
I'm implicated.
The Law Society will be furious!
I need to get out of here.
Ben, stay.
OK, I'll stay.
We need to come up with a
plan here, people.
Golly gosh, Chief Ken,
if you're so worried about it,
- I can just take Nina back.
- Nina thinks I've been kidnapped too!
If you take her back,
the first person the police will
investigate is me!
- For what?
- It's not like we're doing
anything illegal, guys.
- It IS illegal!
- All right, losers?
- 'Help! Help!'
- Dale kidnapped Nina for me.
- That is extreme.
Cool.
- Right, well, I'll be in my room.
- Get back here!
We need to decide what to do,
otherwise Dale is going to prison,
and Ben and I are going to
lose our livelihoods.
Imagine not being a lawyer!
I can't, I really can't!
Oh, it's you.
- What do you want?
- Just being a friendly neighbour, Ken.
We've had some complaints,
a woman was heard wailing.
Clearly audible from behind those
bushes over there.
- And who was listening from the bushes?
- I can't divulge my sources.
Seriously, Ken, what's happening?
(Is it Lorna?)
'..untie me from this chair!'
- Yes.
- Say no more.
Bit of 50 Shades in the garage, huh?
Nothing could be more natural.
Or beautiful.
- Can I...?
- No.
- I didn't finish. - You're going
to ask if you could watch. - I was.
Can I...?
'You won't get away with this!
'You mark my words,
you won't get away with this!'
Right.
We have to shut her up.
Oh, Ken, thank God!
Oh, Ken, what did they do to you?
Be quiet there, mate.
You bloody stay there,
otherwise I'll put you on the
barbie, ya cockatoos.
OK, one of them's Australian,
and the other, I just have no idea.
Where are we?
It's impossible to say.
Stop complaining,
you pommy bastard!
Or I'll put you on the barbie,
you cockatoos.
OK, Ken, look,
just don't provoke him, OK?
Please, what do you want from us?
Why are we here?
You must have taken
us hostage for a reason?
OK, this is the way I see it -
me and my very good friend Nina
here are trapped,
so why don't you go
and talk amongst yourselves
and decide on how we can resolve
the situation, yeah?
Oh, good plan, Ken! Erm...
I mean...
Bonza!
Jeepers, Ken.
I don't know how you
remain so brave and masterful.
I mean, that was like you were
giving them orders.
Nina, you can't show them any fear.
That is the first rule of
being kidnapped
by enigmatic terrorist vigilantes.
OK, well, they've left us alone now,
and that was their first mistake,
cos we can talk, right?
So, I would say...
I think we're in the garage
of a suburban house.
- Or a lock-up, or a bunker.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
- Hmm...
Unlikely. I mean, look,
there's a ripper skateboard there.
My Neil's got one of those.
No, my guess would be
we're in a family home where there's
a son about Neil's age.
Stop guessing, Nina!
OK? It's a trap!
Everything in here is
designed to make us
think what they want us to think.
Believe nothing.
Trust no-one.
Ugh!
OK, so far, we have three ideas.
Number one - convince Nina this
is all a dream.
- That one's my favourite.
- Number two -
something about fridges.
Yeah, no,
that never really developed.
Number three - kill ourselves and
frame her for the murder.
- Yeah, thanks, Dylan.
- It's not all mine. I saw it on CSI.
- Oh, Zoe. Laters!
- Dylan, where are you going?
Seeing Zoe?
Got nine shags to go.
So, I have an idea, but you're not
going to like it. Go on, then.
What if we hand Dale into the police
and he takes the rap for everything?
Wow! That's great idea!
I knew there was a way out,
you brainy box!
Good job, buddy. I'll just go to
jail. How long will I be there?
Five, ten years?
I'll be out before you can say
lickety-split!
Dale, you do not want to go to jail.
You know what happens to athletic
young men in jail.
Are they made to do gymnastics?
Because I LOVE gymnastics!
So it's sorted then!
Dale, when you give yourself up,
make sure that you say that you take
absolutely all the blame
for everything, OK?
- No, stop, OK.
- There has to be another way.
- Dale is fine with it. OK?
Now, I'm just going to make
a little call...
Rachel, I know it's hard.
But you will thank me when Dale
is in jail
and we are not in jail. OK.
Quick, stop him!
Quick! Dale!
Ben, I know this is tough, but you
do understand, don't you? Yeah?
Sorry, buddy, had to do it.
Why is that baby crying?
What are they doing to it?
It's probably nothing.
We just need to be quiet and...
maybe, in our hearts,
start to think about forgiving
our captors.
This could be the end, Ken.
I'd like to thank you for being
here with me.
- I mean, I had no choice.
- No, no, you have been wonderful.
'In fact, I've got a confession to
make. It's about Rachel.'
I didn't mind that Rachel got
her application in late.
Oh, well, that's excellent news!
No, no, to be honest,
'she just wasn't
really good enough for the job.
'I mean, you know, this is a very
prestigious position.'
We were looking for go-getters,
and Rachel skipped university
and hasn't really done much
'but sit on her arse ever since.'
'You know, we were hoping for a
certain standard of applicant, '
and she is very far off it!
Yeah. Yeah, must be
nice to get that out in the open.
Oh, wow.
I'm so sorry, Rach.
No, it's OK.
God, look at us!
You thinking you
were a businessman, and me
thinking I had any kind of a future
when it's already past rescuing.
Couple of idiots.
Oh, look, that must've come out the
bag the kidnappers put on my head.
A receipt?
I wouldn't bother with that.
No, it's fine,
I can read it from here.
"One pair of cherry
red trousers, 44" waist."
Yeah.
- That is quite interesting.
- That sounds like your trousers.
What trousers?
The ones you're wearing.
- Well, that's...
- It's odd that the kidnappers
would use your shopping bag.
Unless we're in your house?
Ken, I think this is your garage.
Nina, this is not my garage.
Ken, what is going on?
Nina, this is NOT my garage.
This is not my bloody garage, Nina!
I swear...
Ken, it's Lorna!
What are you doing
tied up there, you drombats?
Ken, this IS your garage!
YOU kidnapped me!
Wrong, Nina!
- Really wrong!
- Rachel?
Yeah, Nina, maybe my CV is rubbish,
but you said I'm not a go-getter.
Well, how go-getting's this?
- I kidnapped you.
- What?!
I had to get your attention somehow.
And if taking you hostage is what
it takes for you to
consider my application, well, yeah,
I don't regret it.
Rachel, kidnapping is a crime.
Yes. Kidnapping IS a crime.
It's happening to women and children
in North Korea, Nepal...
Erm... Somalia...
- Haiti.
- Haiti.
And we should be fighting it!
Because, sometimes,
to fight a crime,
you have got to commit
a crime yourself!
Oh-ho, yes!
That is a beautiful thought!
Give me that job, or bloody hell,
I'll just had to keep kidnapping you
until you do!
OK, Rachel,
I'm having a hard time processing
your logic.
- Yeah, I get that.
- But, erm...
I loved it.
I think that is the bravest job
request I've ever had.
You've got the job! Ha-ha!
- Great!
- Hell, yeah!
Yes! Wow, Ken, I bet you were along
with this all along, weren't you?
I might have been.
I definitely was!
Untie me, now.
Do you know what, I always thought
you were a bit more of a comedian
than an actor, but you're both.
Yeah, group hug!
Come on! Aw!
I told you it'd work, Chief Ken.
Wow.
So I spent six months furthering
the interests
of an international
criminal organisation?
- Yeah.
God, it must make you rethink
your whole China experience, eh?
Everything you did.
Everyone you met?
Yeah.
Well, except for Ling. I
remain as in love with her as ever!
Hello, you two.
Hey, Chief Ken.
I've been doing some research.
Turns out you were right about
that Triads thing.
I was fairly sure.
It's such a shame.
I'll miss having a vocation in life.
Dale, Ken and I have had a chat.
Thing is, I could do with some help
looking after Sid.
And you clearly can't be trusted on
your own, so...
- So we thought,
how do you fancy being Sid's nanny?
- Aw!
- A nanny? Is that a real job?
- Sure it is.
You'd live with me
and Lorn, just like you do now,
and you'd help me take care
of my darling heir and shit factory.
Wow!
That's amazing!
How much would I earn?
50 quid a week?
50 quids a week?
- No way! I'm rich beyond
my wildest dreams!
There you go, you can start now.
Roger that, Chief.
Oh, Dale?
You can do the night shift as well.
I'll get some kip.
I'll stay up all night!
This is going to be like a
sleepover, except I'm totally alone!
Goodnight, guys!
Dad, 50 quid?
Yeah, you are a tight stink.
Shit!
Did anyone untie Ben?