Cuckoo (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Birth - full transcript

'Dear Chief Ken, I am
writing you from the city Shanghai

'in a country the local people
call China.

'Sorry I took off at Christmas
without saying goodbye.

'It all got so complicated.
I had a lot of thinking to do.

'Lichfield, England,
is often on my mind,

'but Lady Luck's been kind to me
these last six months.

'I have a place to live

'and a top job
in the Shanghai business community.

'Yes, Chief Ken, I can say at last
with absolutely certainty

'that everything is going my way.'

Oh! Hey, guys!



That was a great party last night.
It was your birthday, right, Hwang?

A little too much rice wine?
You little tearaway!

Let me see,

three cold ones coming right up.

He found out.

Is he real mad?

Sorry, I forgot that was there.

I just cleaned the place yesterday!

Whoo! Now, that's my exercise
for the day!

Well, that's not fair, Lu Hong.

I taught you how to nunchuk.

Now look, guys, we're all
going to laugh about this someday.

But for now,

I should probably get on a plane.



Definitely get on a plane.

40 minutes?! Mate, my wife
is about to give birth here.

20 minutes. OK. Yeah.
We can hold on for that long.

Right.

I would like a prawn jalfrezi,
a chicken bhuna, naans,

- all of them - peshwari, keema...
- Tandoori special.

Tandoori special for four.
Lovely. Thank you.

Well remembered, Dylan.

What? The baby's a week late.
Curry induces labour.

We've had it three times
this week, greedy-guts!

Lorna, it's nothing to do
with being greedy.

This is one of those
rare occasions in life

when doing the right thing
is also doing the tasty thing.

Besides, you need

to keep your strength up.

- It's going to be tough
when the baby arrives.
- Yeah...

Ken, you know

- these new branches we're opening up
in Sutton Coldfield?
- Yeah.

Rachna asked today if I'd
oversee them. Sort of head honcho!

- Congratulations, love!
- Thanks, Ken.
They want me to start straight away.

Erm... Hang on.

So I was thinking this time round
you might handle the baby duties.

- Paternity leave? I don't think so!
- Ha-ha, this is jokes.
- Interesting.

- Why not?
- Well, a bit sudden, isn't it?
You've rather sprung it on me.

Sort of like you sprang a baby on me
by lying about your vasectomy.

- Yes, Mum. That's the knockout.
- I mean, in theory, why not?

But I'd have to go in
and speak to the other partners,

and I am hugely important
to that firm.

I'm a king to them,
in my own humble way.

- Good. You can go and talk to
them tomorrow. - Yes. All right.

- I mean, yeah, I'll talk to them.
- Great!

Ha-ha, Dad, going to
look after the baby?

Going to give it its bockle
and wear a pinny

and be the pwimawy carer?

Oh, shut up. I'm not even
going to mention this at work.

As soon as your mother
lays eyes on that baby

and the old oxytocin hormone
starts a-flowing,

all thoughts of paternity leave
will exit her mind.

- No, I'm just going to ride this out.
- Yeah, sweet plan, Dad.

Now give me 20 quid
or I'll tell Mum.

Oh, Dylan?

- When you go to university
and leave home...
- Yeah, what?

Nothing. It's just
a wonderful thought.

Bell end.

Yum-yum, here you are...

Chief Ken!

It's me. Dale.

- What the hell...?
- Long time no see.
- Dale?!

Well, come on, come in!

Lorna! It's Dale!

Touchdown at Thompson Towers.

And so concludes another
marathon session in the drinking

establishments of Lichfield.

Thanks for being designated driver.
God, it must be boring not drinking.

Oh, you know me.
Couldn't be boring if I tried.

Oh, I'm so glad we stayed friends.

Best friends. Besties!

Could have easily been weird,
what with us almost being engaged.

Well, technically, we were engaged.
You said yes.

- But then I said no
about ten seconds later.
- Exactly.

So we were engaged for ten seconds.

The point is, you're still
the love of my life.

It's just you're
the friend love of my life.

I think it's because

it never really got that good
for us sexually, did it?

Yeah...

Rachel!

Hi, Ben.

You have to come in!

Dale's back!

- Oh, fuck off!
- Oh, my God...

Ben?

- How do I look?
- Not your best.

I mean, maybe just stay in the car,
wait until he's gone away again.

No, I'm going to go in.

- Yeah...
- Wish me luck.

Yeah. You go, girl...

Have fun...

Yum-yum in my tum! One thing I've
missed while in Asia, good curry.

- Dale, you look so nice in your suit.
Doesn't he, Rach?
- Yeah.

- It's very nice. - Mr Xi had
this suit made for me personally.

Oh! Mr Xi is my new mentor.

- What a wise and inspirational man,
let me tell ya!
- Right.
- Mm-hm.

He's not... another
cult leader, is he?

Of course not, Lorna!
I learned my lesson on that one.

- You guys must have thought
I was a real dope!
- Well, we did...

- No, we did not!
- No.
- No.

No, Mr Xi is actually
a very successful businessman.

So with things going
so great for you out there,

what brings you back to Lichfield?

Well, once a man has found
success in his work,

his attention turns
to matters of the heart.

- Oh, Dale doesn't need to go
into it just now, does he?
- No. No, no.

Well, you can stay
as long as you want.

We're doing up your room
for the baby,

so you'll have to stay
in Dylan's room.

- Well, that isn't happening.
- Great idea!

We could get those
old bunk beds out.

No, we could get the old bunk beds
in your arse. I'm not...

Insubordination.

It is SO good
to have you back, Dale.

You can move your old bed out. I'm
not touching your clammy mattress.

He's come back for Rachel!
Finally, it's happening.

- Love is in the air, Ken.
- Yeah. And she could do worse, as well.

He's a good lad, is Dale.

I mean, he's no brainbox,
but, y'know, he gets stuck in.

I wouldn't want Rach
to move to China.

Although it is
a growing economy, I read.

Yeah. I don't know, y'know?

Rachel's in a bit of a rut right
now. Maybe change would do her good.

And if it's Dale, I mean,

who cares if he's her dead husband's
son by a teenage one-night stand?

As the song goes!

- Hey.
- Well, hey, Mom!

Me and Dylan are just building up
these bunk beds.

Yeah. Do you think we could drop
the whole "Mom" thing

now that you're back
and since we have had... sex?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Maybe I'll just call ya Rachel.
Or Rach.

I don't know, I can't choose.
I like 'em both.

Dale, erm, I've been thinking.

Last time you left so suddenly,
and I felt that we had some...

- talking to do.
- Yes. Yes, I'm so glad you said that.

So maybe we could go out?

There's a neat little Italian
just popped up on the high street.

Oh, cool.

- What does he want?
- No. Erm, it's a restaurant, not a person.

Oh. Got it, got it. I love that.

- OK, cool.
- Um, well...

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

The car just accelerated
away, and...

Hey! How are my NCT homies?

- Hey, Jess! Good to see you!
- How's it going?
- Oh, ready to pop.

Mark's still in Dubai, so, yeah,
poor, deserted, pregnant Jess!

- Oh, it's a crying shame.
- Mm.

Well, he sends cheques, so, you
know, maybe I should buy a man in.

How much for this one?

Too much for anyone.
I sell by the pound!

- Yeah, all right.
- We're actually overdue now.

Oh, well, erm, a friend of mine
swears the only thing that works

is nipple stimulation.

Oh, yeah? Oh, we'll have to
give that a go.

Us? Ken, you're naughty!

Ohhh! Oh, no! Oh, hell, no. No!

No, I meant Lorna and I!

Oh! Of course! Oh!

No, of course!

Well... No, you two are...
You are the sweetest.

I could just eat you up!

Rarrr!

Anyway, better run, so, erm,
see you on the other side!

- Bye!
- Bye.

- Good luck!
- She's the worst.
- I like her.
- Because she fancies you.

I love you for even thinking
that's a possibility.

Right, if I can summarise,
Adrian totally cocked things up

and now they're suing us.

Not a great result, Ken,
but I gave it 100%.

Oh, well, as long as you tried

All right, thank you,
meeting adjourned.

Er, sorry, wait, everyone. Er, Ken?
Aren't you forgetting something?

I don't think so.

All of you, sit down.

Ken, you drongo, you forgot
to ask for your paternity leave.

- What are you doing?
- Lorna texted me to remind you.

So, everyone, Ken really,

really wants six months' paid leave
to look after his baby.

You do realise you're supposed
to give six weeks' notice?

You really are putting us
in a difficult position.

Oh, so it's a no, then.
Oh, that is a shame.

You'd better text Lorna.
Thank you, everyone.

On the other hand, it would be

an inspiring example
to the female workforce.

- I think I like it.
- Jane, are you on crazy pills?

We can't do without Ken!

He's the big daddy,
the grand old duke of law.

He makes it rain
like a bloody nimbostratus.

I mean, looking at it objectively,
I do see Adrian's point.

Oh, I don't know, we're big boys
and girls. We can handle it.

- We'll be fine!
- Yes, brave words, guys,
but let's not be cursory, OK?

Adrian? Maybe unpack what you were
saying a little bit more.

- I don't know, er...
- Yes, you do.

- Why shouldn't I do paternity leave?
- Er, Ken's the rain maker...

- You've said that!
- Well, let's all vote.

Who's for Ken's paternity leave?

That's three for. And against?

There's three against. Er...

with the senior partner
having the deciding vote.

Ken, are you really voting against
your own paternity leave?

No. I must have got confused.

I'm voting FOR it,
because that's what I want.

Great! So, Ken's going on paternity
leave, and while he's away,

I suppose I'll have to
take up the reins.

Fantastic. OK, Ken,
see you in six months.

You would love the food. They have
this dish, chicken chop suey.

You've tasted nothing like it!

God! It makes me miss travelling
listening to you.

Travelling is so much fun.

So, are you, erm, heading back
to China any time soon?

Well, I mean, that kinda depends
on what happens while I'm here.

We need to talk
about Christmas.

Oh!

- Spooky!
- Yeah!
- OK, you go first.
- No, you go. Erm...

just say how you feel.

Look, I was so cut up when you said
we couldn't be together.

You see, I was taught to believe
that each person on earth was

given only one love.

I suppose I just got to believe
in second chances.

I've fallen for
a truly special girl...

...someone who's beautiful...

and kind...

and clever...

and funny.

Oh, yeah?

Um, what's her name... this girl...?

Ling.

Ling? Who the fuck is Ling?

I mean, Ling...?

She lives in Shanghai, China.
She's Mr Xi's daughter, actually.

We fell madly in love, but Mr Xi
didn't quite approve of it,

so he had me chased out of town.

Now I gotta lie low a bit
until Ling can talk her dad around.

- So you're in love with Ling.
- Yeah!

And you're just here to hide out
from her dad. That's really...

That's really great.

I am so lucky.

I mean, how many other husbands
would just drop their career

because it is the fair thing to do?

Yeah. You're right.
I am a great guy.

Having said that...

now I've shown my willingness
to take paternity leave,

maybe it's time to ask,

would it be better
if I DIDN'T take paternity leave?

I don't know, Lorn, maybe it would.

Oh, Ken, just grow up.

Just because you take time off
to look after your own child

does not make you less of a man.

You're not getting out of this.

- Hello, Ken.
- Oh...

- Steve...! We're busy. Go away.
- It's not a social call, Ken.

As your family doctor, I'm here
to check on my patient. Lorna?

Hi, Steve.

Ah... Haven't seen you two much
since Connie ran off again.

Do you know, I'm just up
the road now.

You should come round, check out
the new hot tub. Got it half-price.

Previous owner died in it.

OK. We're using a doctor
from the hospital.

You don't want to trust those quacks
at the so-called "hospital", do you?

I was kicked out of the hospital
for alleged malpractice.

Won't let me within 20 yards
of the place.

That is how stupid hospitals are.
So there you go.

- Let me have a look.
- Erm...
- Ken?

Thank you.

OK. In my professional opinion,
that baby is due any day now.

- Am I right? - It's a week late.
- It's a week late.

- Actually getting quite anxious.
- Don't encourage him!

Y'know...

a while back...

er, I rejected Western
notions of medicine.

Lorna, I have a trick
that will get that baby

out of you like a rat from a trap.

- OK, that's a very kind offer,
but it's a definite no.
- Ken!

We've tried everything else.

- Does this method involve you
touching me in any way?
- No.

- I mean, I could...
- No! - No! - No. No.

It's fine without. No.

For me?

Why, thank you.

Point that to the sky,
like you're at Ginza or Karnak.

Your job is to align the
energy fields, Ken. Align them.

OK, Lorna...

look at me.

Hip si bin ya. Hip si bin ya.

Hip si bin ya!

Ha!

Up!

Hip bin sin ya. Hip bin sin ya.

Hip bin sin ya! Hip bin sin ya...

Hip bin sin...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

AAAAA...!

Well, you've blown MY mind, Steve.

Steve, you silly beggar,
this lump...

Oh, my Jesus Christ.

Ken! It's happening!

Bloody hell! Where are my car keys?
Where are my car keys, Lorn?

They're in your jacket.

- Come on, Ken, get a move on.
- Victory!

Victory!

Come on, pick up!

- Ooh!
- Ben, Ben, the baby's coming.
Rachel's not picking up.

I need you to swing by
the restaurant...

- Ken, Ken, hurry up!
- Thanks, mate.

- Be fair, Ken, let me finish the job.
I'll deliver the baby.
- Steve...!

- It'll be a freebie.
- Steve, get out. Get out!

I've been practising at home.
I've been practising!

Honestly, it'd be fine.

Call the baby Steve. Call it Steve!

Rachel! Stop!

- Ben?
- Sorry.

Rachel, stop it.
Stop it immediately.

Your mother's waters have broken.
Come on, stand up.

- Oh, God.
- Come on, Dale, stand up. Wrap it up.
- Let's go.

- Will you give me a lift?
- Yeah.

Oh, erm, I'll pay. I'll pay.

Yeah, I would take you, but there's
only space for one in the car.

Oh, that's fine.
It's under 12 miles, right?

I'll jog there. Race ya!

Oh! Ohhh...

Oh, Mum! Are you all right?

Whoo! These suits were not made
for long-distance running!

Did a baby come yet?

- No, no, no, you're all in plenty of
time. Dylan! - Dylan! - Better ring him.

No, I haven't got a signal.
I'll be back in a minute, love.

Ooh...

Obey me, you bastard! Come on!

Come on!

Ken?

- Ah! You're here, too!
- Yeah. Looks like it's popping at last.

Oh!

- So, your wife's in too, then?
- Yeah.

Looks like you're going to
beat her to it, though. Well done!

Yeah. I suppose I have
a fast vagina.

Ooh!

- What's happening?
- What do you think's happening?!

- Oh!
- Get a doctor!
- Doctor!

We need a doc...

Good... Just...

Oh, my God, it's happening!

- Where's Ken? Get Ken!
- I'll find Ken, Lorna, I promise.
- Yes!
- OK.

Excuse me, have you seen
my giant friend?

His face looks sort of like
a really angry eagle.

- One more push.
- Fuck you all!

That's the spirit!

Doctor, could someone
help me release this hand?

- I've got to be somewhere...
- Someone calm the father. He's panicking.

The thing is, I'm not the father.

Will you support me,
you selfish bastard?!

Rachel, never have children.

Where's your bloody dad?

Sinnerman
by Nina Simone

It's a girl!

Maybe Daddy would like
to cut the umbilical cord.

See ya later.

What?

Damn you!

Give me the chocolate!

No?! No!

NO!

♪ Lord, I run to the river

♪ It was boiling
I run to the sea

♪ It was boiling
I run to the sea... ♪

He's like a bear.
He's like a big bear.

OK.

Sorry, sir.

♪ Please help me... ♪

Ken? Ken!

Have you seen a really huge man?
He calls himself Chief Ken.

♪ He said...

♪ .. "Child, where were you?"... ♪

Ohhh!

Shit! Come on!

One... one...

Please!

- Oh, thank God! I need to get to my wife.
- Of course! You're Ken, right?

- Yes!
- I'll take you to her.
- Thank you! Thank you!

Ken! You came back!

No! Not you!

Not bloody you!

Sorry!

Lorna!

Ken? Where were you?

I had bad phone reception.

Oh! Chief Ken!
I was looking everywhere for you.

- Ken, I can't believe you...
- Lorna, shh.

Can we please just enjoy the moment?

Here. Hold your son.

- Have you got him?
- Yeah.

Oh, Dad, magic touch!

Wow.

I'll do it. I'll take
the paternity leave. Stuff work.

It's my turn.

Well, I'm glad you've come to
your senses. Here, pass him over.

Greedy-guts.

Number three, eh?

At last! I have a son!

Er, Dad, what about Dylan?

Oh, yeah. Dylan.

Here you go. And if there's
anything else you want, just ask.

Wow, I feel like a princess.

And all I had to do was push
a ginormous baby out of my lulu.

Sid's a great name.

Sidney Poitier, Sidney James...

Oh, Sidney Vicious!

There are no bad Sids.

- What?
- Just thinking.

By the time Sid's 18,
you'll be 65, about to retire,

starting to forget things.

- Well, that's if your heart
hasn't packed in first.
- Right...

- Goodnight, Lorna.
- Goodnight.

Night, Siddles!

- Primary carer?
- I'll start tomorrow.
- Starting now.

- You're not back at work yet.
- Can't hear you!

Oh, bollocks!