Cuckoo (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Ken at Work - full transcript

New Thai place just opened.
Do you want to try it?

On a Thursday, Rach?
iPlayer and pizza night?

Sort of a THING. But they've got
coconut tempura shrimp.

Mm... Shrimps spell danger.

They might not have taken
the little black bit out.

How about chicken pandang?

You like chicken.

I do, but define pandang?

Something you haven't tried before.

Aren't you even curious?

Are you all right, Rach?



Yes, I just wish you'd be a bit more
spontaneous sometimes.

OK.

We'll have the Thai.

Hey, Mom.

Cool, er, what do you want?

Ooh, great, they do a burger.

This programme contains
some strong language

and some scenes
of a sexual nature.

Oi, relax.

You're a bloody shoo-in...
Do you think?

..as long as Charles
is in a good mood.

SHOUTS: Yah!

Yah, it's happened again!

No more medium-tipped gel pens!



What in hell's piss is going on, eh?

Who's doing this? Who is doing this?

Ah, hello, Ken.

Morning, Charles.

Is it really that difficult

to provide me with the requisite
fibre tips?!

Bloody Nora!

Oh, go on, Ken,
in you go, in you go.

Well, as you know, this will be
my final year as senior partner.

Oh, but, Charles, you're still
so young and dynamic.

No, no, no, Ken.
Time to give somebody else a chance.

Now, as outgoing senior partner, I'm
expected to nominate my successor.

Is that how it works? I can't say
I've ever thought about it.

Of course not, Ken.

But, that being said,
you are the obvious choice. Oh!

A good lawyer, never going to
set the world alight, of course,

but, er, a relatively safe
pair of hands. Ah.

So, what do you say.
Do you accept my nomination?

Charles, I would be honoured.
Excellent.

So it will either be you or Jane.

Jane?

Jane's only been partner for a year.

She's very talented. Very popular.

Besides, you're the one that's
always banging on to me

about diversity in the workplace.

Female black senior partner.

Could be a clever move.

Right, but, also remember,

diversity at the top
can cause complacency.

So, somewhat counter-intuitively,

often the best diversity candidate
is a white middle aged man.

Well, I hear you,

but you know what this office needs
is the modern thrust.

There are far too many people
of our generation at the top

who don't know our hard drives
from our floppy discs.

You say our generation.

I am, of course, 25 years
younger than you.

Come on, Ken, we're just a couple of
old dinosaurs. No shame in it.

I'm very modern.

I'm on Twitter.

I follow Holly Willoughby.

Hello, Ken.
Looks like I'm in after you.

Ah, Jane, hope you have
a really super meeting.

This is my last chance to make
senior partner.

If he nominates Jane,
she'll be there till I retire.

Is this senior partner
chief at your work, Ken?

That's right.

Good boy.
I don't know if this applies

but when Vashradi fought to
leave our ashram, he challenged

his opponent to swallow hot coals
to prove his divinity.

The opponent died.

Wow, and Vashradi survived?

He would have but the other guy was
dead and it was getting late.

When you think about it,
I'm the obvious choice.

I know the company inside out.
I know who the dead wood is.

I know who needs to be moved up.

I would move heaven
and earth for you, Ken.

I just need to convince Charles
that I'm the best candidate.

Do you know, he actually
accused me of not being modern!

Well, you're not, are you? Go on,
you're terrible with computers.

How dare you?

You use Yahoo to search for Google.

I'm on Twitter.
I've got ten followers now.

Yeah, Mum
and everyone in the office.

Well, what about this video
that I forwarded everyone?

Oh, that's old. To be honest, Ken,
even I saw that about two years ago.

Wait, ssh, ssh, ssh!

Ah!

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

You see.

Not everyone's seen it.

That was great, Ken.
So worth the price.

The price?

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Stop, Dale!

Stop it!

I can't, I got 15 more.
What are you doing?

Ashram rules, 30 lashes
for each minute of internet.

OK, Dale, we do not have
that rule in this house.

You can watch as much
internet as you like.

And it won't corrupt my soul?

Well, just don't look at Dylan's
search history.

That's a good point. That's true.

Oh, you liked that one, didn't you?
Yeah. Drunk babies are funny.

Then you can share it
with your friends.

What is that?
It's Instant Messenger.

You type in here and it comes to me.

H-h-how do I do that? OK.

Er, so you paste the link.

And click send.

And it goes straight to you?

Yeah, it's like a direct line.

Oh, after you're done with that,
show him LinkedIn.

Dad, you like looking at books
don't you. I call it reading, Dylan.

Fancy buying these book
tokens off me? £100?

Why have you got £100
worth of book tokens?

I won them in a poetry competition.
Dylie!

YOU won a poetry competition?

Yeah, well they said the first prize
was £100 so I thought I'd enter.

Only took two minutes,
was a piece of piss.

For you maybe,
my talented little Dyl-Dyl.

Sorry, YOU won a poetry competition?

Yes, only it turned out the prize
was actually £100 in book tokens.

Money you can only spend on books.

It's like having a glass
you can only fill with...

shit.

Prize-winning imagery.
Such a gift for language(!)

Well, my clever boy.

Come on, Dylan, let's hear the poem.

Get lost. It's bad enough
I have to read it at the recital.

There's a recital?
All right, don't wet yourself.

My son, a poet.

That's probably from me.

You know, when your dad
and I first got together,

I used to write him
sexy little poems

and leave them in his briefcase for
when he got to work.

I remember one of them went...

DOOR SLAMS

SHE CHUCKLES

PHONE BUZZES

You saucy minx!

So I spent all day yesterday

thinking of ways to be
more spontaneous

and I was going to tell you tonight
but, in the spirit of things,

I thought, sod it,
I'll tell you now.

What are you doing a week Saturday

next year?

I've no idea.

Well, you do now, because
I just bought us two tickets

to the Ideal Home Show!

Not good?

Yeah, that's lovely, erm,

I suppose I was hoping
for something a bit more...

wild.

Against the wall! Yeah.

Sorry, I should just...
No, leave them!

No, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.

Is there something you can sit on?
I thought you joined the gym.

I did but I never have to lift
anything as heavy as you.

Let's just go on the floor.

Ow! Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Swap round. Yeah, OK.

Oi, is that a new mole?

Ben, please, just focus.

Yeah, sorry, it's just the edges
look a bit frayed

and they say the sooner you get it
looked at the better.

I think it can wait two minutes.
Two minutes? Well...

DOOR OPENS

HE GASPS

Someone there? Now?

HE ORGASMS

THEY LAUGH

Jane?

Ken. I didn't see you there.

Erm, my husband's running
his practice from home nowadays.

He asked me to help towards
the stationery. Right.

That is a lot of stuff.

Perks of partnership, eh?

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

You go for it.

Ben.

Ken. Mate. What's up?

I wanted your advice
on a delicate matter.

Shoot.

I think I may have found a way of
shoring up the senior partnership

but it's, er, not exactly ethical.

Are we talking something
dangerous here? Not really.

It's more sort of petty and
underhand and not worthy of a real
man.

You know what a real man does, Ken?

He takes what he wants.

Because fortune favours the brave.

Carpe Diem.

All right, I'll do it. Thanks, mate.

No problem. Smell you later.

Prick.

Enter.

Oh, Ken. Hi, Charles.

Erm, I've managed to lay my hands
on some CCTV footage

from the stationery cupboard.

Righto. What sort of CCTV footage?

Is it urgent? I've got lots of
things on, you know.

Not urgent, no. Let's just say
you'll find it very, very
interesting.

Right. Why?

Let's just say it'll change the way
you see things around this office.

Let me know what you think.

Lorna, you kinky madam!

HE CHORTLES

By the way I, erm, I'm liking
your messages, Little Miss Naughty.

I'm liking yours,
Mister...Tall Naughty.

APPLAUSE

I've got to say I've really loved
judging this competition.

Never really been one for poetry,

but reading these pieces by your
children, I've started to think,

"Hey, it's not all about
fancy-pants clever-clogses

"rhyming 'you' with 'blue'."

It's...it's young people pouring
their fucking hearts out.

So, without further adoage,
let's put the emotion in motion.

Great.

APPLAUSE

My poem is called Insignificant
Progenitor. Progenitor means father.

'Insignificant progenitor.

'Foolish balding man, short dolt,

'Mephitic midget

'Why do you cling to the dark in
your limited mindset

'Like a toad who
makes its home in shit?'

Brilliant. That's my daughter.

APPLAUSE

Wow, right?

OK, guys, now you are in for
a tasty, wordy, rhyme-tastic treat.

Dylan Thompson, first prize.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Dylan.

Thank you.

"I'll be there" by Dylan Thompson.

Dylan Thompson. Even sounds like
a poet. Just wait and see.

'You're still in bed at ten,
and work began at eight.

'You've burned your breakfast,
so far things are going great.

'Your mother warned you
there'd be days like these

'But she didn't tell you
when the world has brought you

'down to your knees
and I'll be there for you

'when the rain starts to pour.

'I'll be there for you
like I've been there before

'I'll be there for you
cos you're there for me too.'

This is first prize?

OK, guys, you know, this poem
may not be your bag but,

just give the kid a chance, right?
Yeah.

It's not a poem.
It's the theme tune from Friends.

What?

# I'll be there for you,
when the rain starts to pour. #

It is the theme tune from Friends.
I know.

I knew it sounded familiar.

It's a qualified English teacher.
Reassuring?

Well, shall I finish it or what?

I think maybe just
get off the stage.

Look, I wrote this, all right.

You can't prove that I didn't.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Great, so in one night, I've lost
£100 worth of book tokens

and all pride in my family.

Dylan, I'm going to need that
money back. Sold as seen, mate.

Dylan, hand it over. Dylan!

Hey, you guys never said you made
an internet video. Internet video?

Yeah, but I didn't really get it,
though. It was super grainy.

What were you guys doing?
Planking?

What are you talking about?

And what was with that weird balloon
animal? A balloon animal?

Yeah, you held it up at the end
but it was deflated and then you

rolled it up in tissue paper and
hid it behind the filing cabinet.

Dale, wh-where did you see
this video? Ken's e-mail.

Dad, was there a video in your
e-mail today with me and Ben in it?
No.

The only video on my e-mail is CCTV
footage of Jane stealing stationery.

There's CCTV
in the stationery cupboard?

Yeah, I've sent it to Charles.

Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

Dad, I think you sent a video to
Charles of me and Ben having sex.

No. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

When Jane came in to the stationery
cupboard today,

me and Ben, we were...

We were...

HE ROARS

Dad! What were you thinking?
What was I thinking? Yeah.

Maybe it would've been a good idea
to check the footage first.

It would've been a good idea not to
have sex in the stationery cupboard.

We were just trying to be
more spontaneous.

Oh, God, this is the problem with
spontaneity, it's unpredictable.

Man created routines for a reason.

To separate us
from the chaos of nature.

I don't want to
live like a chimpanzee, Rachel.

Well, I don't want the whole
office to see me naked.

These things, they always get
forwarded round.

God, everyone's going to be
laughing at me! OK.

I'm going to ring Charles.
Maybe he hasn't read the e-mail yet.

He did say he was busy.

Charles, it's Ken. Yeah.

Listen have you, erm, managed to
read that e-mail from earlier yet?

You haven't?

Your laptop's at work.

Fantastic. Great.

Er, listen, I'd really appreciate it
if you could delete that e-mail.

What's on it?

It's very sensitive,
private and personal,

I've made an embarrassing mistake.

I would really appreciate it, as
a friend, if you would delete that.

Yeah. Completely.

Thank you.

Don't open it.

Thank you.

Well, he's definitely going to
watch it now.

No, he said he'd delete it.

'Sensitive, private and personal,
An embarrassing mistake?'

Could you have made it sound
any more juicy

Oh, she's right, Dad. Oh, God.

But his laptop's in his office?

I am NOT hacking my boss's computer.

I'm up for senior partner.

All right, so you'd rather
he saw your daughter having sex?

OK, so we break in,
find the video, delete it

and it's off to Friday's
for a victory battered sausage.

Quicker the better.
The window's open, Chief Ken.

I'll bust in and then come down and
let you guys through the front door.

Oh, no, there's no need to...

Relax, I've seen a ton of
parkour videos today. I got this.

No, but Dale...

..I have my key card.

Aargh.

Oh...

Oh, boy.

Dale, do you need to go home?
No, no, no. I'm A-OK.

It only hurts when I breathe.

Are there security
cameras in here too?

What if they check the tapes?

What if they find out that
we've broken in?

No-one is breaking in.
We're just working late.

Solid. So what are we looking for?
A laptop.

There!

Huah! Huah! Huah! Huah!

Not that laptop.

You need to calm down.

Not an option, Ken.

Rachel's dignity is at stake

and I will not rest
until I complete my quest. OK.

That's good because I've got
a very important job for you.

I want you to stay here
and watch the door.

You stay here and watch Dale. OK.

SCREAMS

Jesus, Ken!

What are you doing here? I just came
back to collect some things.

This is my office.

Yes, I...

heard your computer

and I came in to give you a shock,
you know, for a joke.

And I did. All according to plan.

What are you doing back
there, Charles?

I told you, didn't I?

I left my laptop here
and came back to collect it.

Some very important things
that I have to look at.

What kind of things?

Private things.

Oh, this is disgusting!

Oh, yes, Ken.

I'm so ashamed.

Oh, Charles. I thought
a bit more of you than this.

I'm a sick man, Ken. Yeah.

I don't suppose there's any way
that we could keep this

just between the two of us,
could we? What?

I could announce you as senior
partner tomorrow.

Yeah.

OK.

But you'll delete the e-mail, yes?

Well, yes, if you want me to.

Yes, I want you to. Oh, fine.

There you are, all gone.

Poof! Right.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, Charles.

Senior partner. I'm so proud.

Thanks, love. Bit of an unorthodox
rise to power but,

guess that's just how business is
done at the sharp end. Absolutely.

You can't expect to rise to the top
without some collateral damage.

In this case, Charles using
our daughter as a masturbation aid.

Cheers. Cheers.

Congratulations, Ken.

Congratulations, Ken. Thank you.

Hey, Ken, all set for the big
announcement? Yes, very much so.

SHE TITTERS

What? Nothing. Sorry.

Absolutely nothing.

Everywhere we go this morning,
people seem to be laughing.

Congratulations. Just ignore it.

You did delete that e-mail, didn't
you? Of course I deleted it.

There's no chance anyone's seen it.

Relax, Rachel,
your dad's getting promoted

and we're all going
to reap the benefits.

Exactly, and there is no other
way of looking at it.

Boardroom, everyone. Boardroom.

Something to announce.

Er, well now it's my honour to
introduce the new senior partner.

He's the right man for the job.

He's a good lawyer,

a family man with an enviable
sense of discretion.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Please give a warm welcome
to Ken Thompson.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you, Charles.
Well, I'd like to welcome you all.

I know that the hours this year
have been long and hard.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

I know you've really thrown
yourselves into it

so that our clients'
needs are satisfied.

TITTERING

OK, you've seen it.

Come on. Who's seen it?

Pretty much all of you.

Well, as senior partner,
I have something I'd like to say.

You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.

Don't all look
at each other innocently.

It's just a big joke
to you, isn't it?

It's just a young girl's feelings.

A father's sense of pride.

Go on, laugh it up! Ken.

Don't you "Ken" me.
I'm senior partner now, Charles,

and I'm not going to let you
get away with it.

I'm meant to say a few words
about you, aren't I?

OK, here they are.
You're a filthy old pervert.

GASPS

OK, fair dos,

so I accidentally sent you a video
of my daughter having sex with Ben.

GASPS

It was her idea.

But really, Charles,

masturbating over it at work
like some old tramp in an alley

and then spreading it
around the office

despite assuring me
you'd deleted it.

Expecting me to be
so thankful that you'd nominated me,

that I would breeze on by
without even mentioning it.

Well, I'm sorry, Charles,
you picked the wrong patsy.

Ken. Don't try and deny it.

But, Ken, I... It is MY turn now!

Pete's sake, Ken, stop!

I think everyone's
laughing about your tweets

with your wife.

The saucy ones?

No-one knows anything
about this video stuff.

What? They were private messages.

I used the e-mail sign,
that little Miss Lorna.

That's not how it works, Ken.

They were public messages.

I see.

And you've all seen them?

I think you owe Charles an apology.

Well, no, because I walked
in on Charles in his office

with his trousers down and...

I thought we had an agreement, Ken.

Oh, very well.

I hadn't planned to let news out
this way but, however...

It appears that I have developed
Parkinson's Disease.

Last night Ken barged
into my office

as I was cleaning up after
a little accident.

Appears that incontinence
is part of the disease.

And that is one of the reasons
why I'm retiring from the firm.

In order to fight it.

Charles Miller there.

Retiring with dignity and honour.

And that is all from me.

Thank you.

Three cheers for the new senior
partner. Hip hip.

MUTED: Hooray.

Hip hip.
MUTED: Hooray.

Erm...

OK, you sure you want to do this?
Yes, I've been practising. OK.

I'm Dale Savarsna and no object
gets in the way of parkour.

Whoa!

Dale, are you OK?

Yeah, all good. It was just
a tractor in that thing.