Cuckoo (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Tribunal - full transcript

This programme contains some
strong language.

Morning. Morning. Good morning.
Yay, it's sunny outside.

Dale, what are you doing?

I got really cold during the night

and you guys are
so warm and snuggly.

Are you...naked?

Yeah, I always sleep naked.

Your penis is on my leg.

Got it.

DALE GIGGLES
This has been amazing, Chief Ken.

What was the name
of that magical place?



B&Q.

B and Q?

I will never get used to your exotic
names and strange customs.

Yes, while we're on that,

in our culture we respect
each other's privacy.

Sleep in our own beds.

And we don't
put our genitals on people.

Not without being asked.

Understood. Wise counsel, Chief Ken.

You know, you should probably
stop calling me that.

Why, Chief Ken?

Actually, whatever. God, I'm hungry.

STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!

What is it?



Food. Dale,
I could've killed someone.

I know but you said you were hungry

and they have
the world's best kebabs.

Lorna's got me on a diet.

What she doesn't realise is tall
people have a very high metabolism.

They've done studies on it
and everything.

I bet it's actually dangerous for me
to be on a diet.

OK, I'll have one small doner
with no chilli sauce.

But just to be clear, Lorna does not
need to know about this.

OK.

OK?

Yes, loud and clear.

MUSIC: "My Silver Lining"
by First Aid Kit

KNOCKING ON DOOR
Hiya.

Hello.

Do you mind if I turn the music
down?

There's something I want to say.

Yeah, of course.

It's about Dale.
Actually it's still a bit loud.

HE TURNS IT DOWN AGAIN
Erm, yeah, Dale is...

You know what,
I'm just going to turn it off. Yeah.

Erm, Rachel, I like Dale,

I think he's a good bloke.

I just worry he's a bit mixed up.

He was brought up
in a cult, wasn't he?

Rach, he's obviously got some sort
of weird crush on you.

What?! Don't be daft.

Rach, he climbed into your bed,

he follows you around like a dog.

He let you see him in the bath.

Only once. Well,
that's once more than I have.

Look, it's not his fault,

he just doesn't know
any other girls his own age.

But I'm thinking maybe
we should introduce him to someone.

Well, yeah, I mean
if you can think of anyone.

What about your friend Natalie?
I mean, she's gorgeous.

She is not gorgeous.

What are you talking about?
She's stunning. Total knockout.

When I first saw her...
Yeah, got it. Stop now.

Anyway, she's just broken up
with her boyfriend,

she's on the lookout,
why don't you give her a call?

Yeah, why not?
It's a great idea, Ben.

I'm home. Shit!

Ken!

I was just about to get
my glad rags on. Why?

Drinks at Connie and Steve's.
I'm sure I told you.

Forgive my intrusion, Chief Ken.
I am entering the room.

Oh... Dale, what you doing?

I'm respecting your privacy.

May I have the screwdriver
we got at B and Q today?

I'm going to fix the kitchen lights.

You can open your eyes now, Dale.

And when you're done,

if you're hungry there's some
lasagne in the fridge.

Thank you but I'm OK,

me and Ken had a triple shawarma
with everything.

Onions, chilli sauce,
huge bag of fries.

I couldn't finish mine
but old hollow legs over here,
he had 'em both.

Ken, you didn't have a kebab? No.

Two of 'em.
You're supposed to be on a diet!

You looked me in the eye
and promised me you'd eat healthily.

I had salad with it.
And a Snickers.

Dale, stop talking!

Well, I have to say,
I am very disappointed.

Lorn. Lorn!

Thank you.

Hah, you blinked. What?

We're having a staring contest,
right? No!

I'm waiting for you to explain to me
why you told Lorna about the kebab.

Oh, she asked if I was hungry.

look, I know your upbringing
was slightly unusual,

but you must have had to lie before.
No way, Chief Ken.

I was taught that lying
makes your nuts fall off.

That's why I never lied, look.

Uh, look, I believe you.

I'm not saying lying is good,

I just think sometimes
it's necessary.

Like...like when Lorna asks me
whether

Dylan will be able to get a job
with his media studies degree,

I say yes.

What I mean of course is no,
he'll be living with us till he's 60.

But I lie so that she doesn't worry.

OK, OK, I got it.
This is a white lie.

Right.

Like with your sheepskin coat. What?

Lorn hid your coat in the garage
but said I shouldn't tell you

because if you found out
you'd be, like, super unhappy.

This is outrageous!

Wow. She was right.

What?

Oh, the coat?

You'll never guess where I found it.

Go on, guess.

Dylan's room?

No, in the garage.

In a bin bag labelled
"Stuff for Oxfam"

in your handwriting.

So I hate the coat.

Doesn't make me a bad person, Ken.

No, it's lying that makes you
a bad person.

You can talk, Mr Two Kebabs.

OK.

Let's just agree to be more honest
with each other from now on, OK?

OK.

I broke your Pilates DVD.

I got a parking ticket last week.

When you were at your book group
I ate a whole slab of Stilton.

Wow. I know.

Speaking of books,

you know that one you tried
to write about town planning?

That was rubbish.

Yeah, you never lied about that,
you told me before, twice. Oh, yeah.

Anyway, from now on,
let's agree on no more secrets.

OK, deal. Deal.

So, what do you make of this, Lorn?
Lovely.

I don't know much about wine but...

it's very fruity and also...red?!

It's from southern Chile.
It's typically South American -

full-bodied, passionate, dangerous.

It's also work shy,

with no sense of personal hygiene.

KEN: So, Steve, how's work?

It's a living hell,
just like my personal life.

Thanks for asking.

I had hoped Steve would cope with
our new arrangement like an adult.

If not for my sake
then for the children.

Good job we only had two.

I wanted more, but Connie's womb
dried up like a cactus.

CONNIE: It takes two to conceive.

Perhaps there was something
wrong at your end.

Nothing wrong with my sperm.

Men like me and Ken are part
of the 500,000,000 club.

Am I right?

KEN: Don't do that. Oops!
Bad example there,

Ken's had a vasectomy.

So, Connie, tell me about this wine.

When did he have the snip?

Well, you should know, you dirt
brain. You did the operation! Yes!

HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, must've forgotten.

So many scrota.

They all blur in to one

massive, amorphous ball-sack!

Well can I just say,
you did a fantastic job?

You can't even see a scar.

Almost like it had never been
done(!)

Well, what a lovely evening.
We must go now, though.

I'll bring the car round
the front shall I, Lorn?

Seriously though, it was lovely.
Cheers. Mm!

You said that's fruity, that's dry!

Dale, can we have a word?

Huh? Yeah, sure. Just don't hit that
light switch over there.

Is this safe?

Totally.

So erm, there's this friend of mine
called Natalie.

Who is stunning. Easily the
best-looking girl that I know.

Well, that either of us know.

Anyway, we thought it might be quite
nice if the four of us had dinner.

Plus she's single so... Oh, my God!

A-are you trying
to set me up?

Oh, is that OK? Cos, I mean if it
makes you feel uncomfortable then...

No. No, it's fine.

It's just on the ashram,
they taught us to wait for The One.

Probably don't mention the whole
alien bride thing to Natalie.

She might...
Get jealous. That's a good point.

Here, can you erm,
can you hold that for me?

Put the lights on, you losers!

SHE SCREAMS

Ha-ha! Twat!

Oh, boy.

Bloody hell!

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when first we'd
lie about having a vasectomy.

It wasn't a lie.

It was a temporary
departure from the truth.

So you're going to tell Lorna,
are you?

I just need to find the right
time, that's all.

Until I do,
please don't say anything!

Ken, my friend,

I will do you this
favour, but one day,

and that day may never come, I will
call on you for a favour in return.

I need a favour.
Oh, for fuck's sake.

What's that? That is what happens
when the nanny state

and political correctness get
drunk on power and have a bastard.

Could you be a little more specific?

I've been accused of gross
medical negligence.

They're taking me to a tribunal.

Well, that is a shame.
But, not my area, I'm afraid.

You'll have to find someone who
specialises in medical malpractice.

To be honest, Ken, you're not
the first lawyer I've seen.

But you are the only lawyer that is
scared I'm going to tell his wife

a secret, so that makes you
Kavanagh QC in my book.

It says here you left a foreign
object inside a patient

during an operation.

It was a pair of cuff links.
One pair!

I am not apologising for the way
I dress.

It's still a very serious
accusation. Is it true?

How do I know? I was drunk.

Well, look. Ethically speaking, I
shouldn't be representing a friend.

Ethically speaking, you shouldn't be
lying to your wife.

Look, this isn't blackmail.

If you don't want to take the case,
just say.

I don't want to take the case.
And that's fine.

But I will be telling Lorna
about your fully-functioning gonads.

And how is that not blackmail?

Oh, you're good.

You are good.

Why's the door open? It's freezing.

Ken, you're back early. I thought
you said you were working late.

I thought I'd do some
work from home.

You've been smoking dope!
No, I haven't.

It smells like Peter Tosh's
tracksuit in here, Lorn.

Don't worry, everyone's out.

The smell usually goes.

How long have you been doing this?
Once a week since Cuckoo left.

Lorna! It's no big deal. I used to do
it pretty much every day at uni.

After everything we've said
about being honest with each other.

Come on, it'll help you relax.

You remember what happened last
time I took drugs.

Ken, you're at home with your wife.
What's the worst that can happen?

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, I'm so proud of you!

Why are you proud of me?

I can't remember
but I definitely am.

Steve!

Steve! I'm proud of you for
defending Steve. Mm?

Connie said that no-one
could get him off,

but you took the case anyway!

Can we talk about something else?

I don't want to
talk about that goblin.

He's been under
a lot of pressure, Ken.

You hear of these doctors being
forced to work 5,000 hours a week

and they crack up.

Oh! Brilliant.

Yeah.

We should blame the hospital
for Steve being so mental!

Yes!

Got to write this down.

What are you doing?

I don't know!

But it's definitely important.

Mm. Mm.

This is amazing.

Amazing. Mm.

Give us a kiss.

THEY GIGGLE

Nice cheese.

Do you think I'm fat?

No! Think you're perfect!

I think you're perfect.

I'm so proud of you.

Is it because of the cheese?

No, it was because of something
else.

BOTH: Steve!

Steve.

According to his file,

Steve has had two written
warnings in the past month.

One for parking
in a disabled space

and the other for kissing someone...

Right. Well, that's not too bad.

..who was in a coma.

Ah, the nutter!

Well, we knew he was insane.

But I think I may have found a way
of using that to our advantage.

I'm going to call the hospital
lawyers in for a meeting.

If we can convince them
that Steve is overworked

then maybe we can avoid
the tribunal altogether.

It's a long shot, but I think
it's the best chance we've got.

Ken, you're a bloody genius!

Well... Thanks to you, Steve will
soon be free to practise again

even though he's a drunken,
incompetent fool!

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Rach, I've not seen you for ages!

The last time was my
non-hen night, I think.

Yeah! That was fun.

I'm so glad you thought so.

But some people thought it
was a bit weird,

going through with it after Toby
called off the wedding,

but, er, my take is, I'm worth it
and he's a lying shit! Ha-ha!

Yeah. Erm, Dale here's quite the
sportsman.

He does martial arts and
mountain biking and all sorts,

don't you, Dale?

Yes.

I imagine you've got some pretty
interesting stories about that.

Yes.

SHE GIGGLES

Can I have a word with
you in the kitchen? Yeah.

Excuse us.

I...like your face.

(God, this is a car crash!
I told you she wasn't his type.)

She's not that bad.

Are you kidding?
She's doing my head in!

(Rachel, calm down.)

Oh, my goodness. She is amazing!

I mean, I've never met
anybody like her before in my life.

Also, she's finished the wine.

Oh!

More wine, Natalie?

Fill me up to the top! Ha-ha!

Keep going.

Yeah.

Oh! So...mystery man.

Firstly, I don't know much about
you. Who are you?

Well, my name is Dale.

SHE GIGGLES

Rachel never told me you were
so funny! Or cute.

Oh, boy.

Natalie, you're embarrassing him.
I just said he was cute.

It's not like I said he was
gorgeous, which you are, by the way.

Uh-huh.

Where I grew up, you weren't
allowed to touch a woman.

We were taught to stay
pure for The One.

A soul mate

could look in to your heart
and see what's inside.

That is so beautiful!

I mean, literally, she had X-ray
vision on every tentacle.

Ooh!

I really think
I should call you a cab.

(It's getting late.)
Maybe Dale could walk her home?

SHE COUGHS

HE GASPS

Tell me
more about this place you grew up.

Erm, well, there were
plenty of crazy things

but also, you know, a lot
of beautiful things as well.

Like, we had this friendship ritual
we'd do when new people arrive.

But sometimes we would just do it
to honour a special person.

I would love to see
your friendship ritual.

OK.

I haven't done it in a long time

but I think I could probably
remember it.

Friend.

Take my trust.

Friend.

Take my love.

Friend.

Take my blood.

SHE SCREAMS

My God! Dale!

HE MOANS

SHE CHUCKLES

Shit!

Oh, he's been gone ages.
Why isn't he back yet?

Have I got it all off?

There's a bit there.

SHE SIGHS

What time's your meeting?
Not for a couple of hours.

Want to get there early,
go through this plan with Steve.

If I get this right they'll
drop the charges.

Look at you, Rumpole of the Bailey.

Or should I say,
Rumpy Pumpy of the Bailey?

Get off, I'm trying to read.

Lorna, get your hands on the wheel.

Sorry!

SIREN WAILS
Oh, bugger.

Oh, great. Just great.

Come on then, pull over.

SIREN WAILS

Lorn, pull over.
I'm not sure that's a good idea.

What do you mean? Don't get angry.

But there's a small possibility
I may have left

the dope in my coat pocket.

How much of a small possibility?

About...100%

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Window, Lorna. Oh.

Sorry, Officer, momentary
lapse in concentration. My wife...

Madam, are you aware why I've pulled
you over this morning?

OK, I hate to do this,
but I'm actually a solicitor, so...

Sir, when I lower my fingers,
you may speak.

Yeah, but I just think this is
relevant. Sir, can you see

the fingers are still raised? Yes.

Are you aware why I've
pulled you over?

Madam, will you please exit
the vehicle?

Why?

Did you just pass
an item to the gentleman?

No. Right, sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to exit the vehicle

and turn out your pockets.
Oh, this is perfect. Well done.

Sir, I will not ask you again!

Oh, Christ, Ken.

Three points on my licence.
Could've been worse.

It could've been a lot worse.
Why the hell did you pass it to me?

Ken, it worked out fine.
How are you feeling?

Fine, actually. I don't think it has
the same effect when you eat it.

Just tell Steve you're not feeling
well, he'll understand.

He really won't.
I'm fine, love. You go on.

Where have you been?

No time to explain, we need to find
Steve and talk him through our
strategy.

I'm not sure there's time.
What's up with your eyes?

Nothing, I'm fine. Go back to bed.

Charles wants to
sit in on the meeting.

Prince Charles?
Charles our senior partner.

Yeah, OK, that does make more sense.
Here he is - the rain maker.

Ben's just been filling me
in on your case.

Sounds as though you've got
something remarkable up your sleeve.

I took the liberty, Ken. It is
pretty special.

You don't mind me sitting in,
do you?

Good idea, we don't want
Ken backing out, do we?

HE LAUGHS FORCEDLY

Erm, you know, breaking
in to the medical market would be

absolutely fantastic for the firm.

Now, you get a good result here and,
well, let's just say when the choice

for who becomes senior partner
will be a fucking packet easier.

Ken?

I won't let you down, Charles.

Mr Thompson, my name is
Helen Williams, I'm chief operating

officer of the Lichfield NHS Trust.

With me are Michael Levine
from our legal department

and Susan Daniels, head of HR.

And we are all silent.

Why are they staring at me?
They're waiting for you to speak.

Why?
Are you all right, Ken?

Could we just have five minutes?

Oh, no, my hands, my hands!

They're not shrinking.
They are not shrinking!

Ken, you're acting fairly strangely.
My hands are growing, Ben.

How am I supposed to eat chicken
with hands this big?

Ken, I think
I should take over the case.

You want my job.

You want to impress Prince Charles
and become king.

No way, Mister. NO WAY!

You know I do.

Mr Thompson, is there somewhere
private we can talk?

Oh...

It's, erm...

It's safe over here.

The last thing the hospital needs is
bad press and a huge lawsuit.

So we'd like to settle this matter
quickly and quietly.

If your client resigns,
then we can keep this

incident off the record,
and avoid going to trial.

Mr Chance is a very volatile
individual, but if you can

persuade him to accept our offer
then he can find a job elsewhere.

He's not going to like this.

What do you think?

What the fuck is...?
Is that an eagle?

No, it's a kestrel, you dick.

Erm, it's clear that Mr Thompson's
not feeling too well, er,

perhaps I should take
over at this moment.

No, Charles. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry to interrupt
but I must be heard

and I must be heard quickly
and quietly.

Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly.
Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly.

Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly...
Right, let's see.

..quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly.

Lorna... My client is insane.

And you want to know why?

Because you've been making him
work too hard.

That's just ridiculous.

Have you checked what hours
she's been working? She?

Answer the question.
Have you checked how many

hours my client has been
working for your hospital trust?

We don't have that
information to hand.

No, you don't, but I do.
In my office.

Benjamin, the door, please.

GLASS SMASHES

Oh, hey, Mum.

Didn't hear you come home
last night.

No, I stayed the night at Natalie's.

Anything you want to tell me?

Oh, yeah, I fixed the lights.

Anything else?

I found some super-smelly
cheese in Ken's bedroom.

It, er...

Dale, er, what happened with you and
Natalie last night?

Oh, OK. We went to hers.

Mm. And I was kinda tired, so she
said I could sleep in her bed.

But I said, "No, thanks,"

because I know that's frowned upon
in your culture. Yes.

But then she got angry, and asked
if I wanted intercourse or not.

Oh, and, and did you?

Oh, boy. I mean she's really pretty
and all...

She's not that pretty.

Nothing happened.

I guess she just wasn't The One.

Oh, hello. Yeah.
High-five. Thanks.

Then Charles took over, Steve got
a month's suspension on full pay.

Well, that's good.

He was so pleased he wanted to take
you on holiday to say thanks.

The Swansea & Neath Judo Festival.

He said he was making you an offer
you couldn't refuse,

then he winked and walked out.

Then he came back in and explained

how you'd lied about having
a vasectomy.

You're not going to tell Lorna,
are you? No, of course not.

Although there is a little
something I'd like in return.

Go on, name your price.

Your hole punch, the one with
the option for A3 settings.

Oh, no. No, I use that all the time.
Oh.

OK then, I, I'm sorry,
that was completely

inappropriate of me,
forget I mentioned it.

What? I can't stop thinking about the
incident with the hole punch,

I'm mortified. Just get out.

Oh...

PHONE BEEPS
Shefali. I'm sorry about this -

you're going to have to book me
another vasectomy.