Cuckoo (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Potato Party - full transcript
Ken is going away for a reunion weekend and Dylan persuades Lorna to go to the theatre with Connie so he can throw a party and lose his virginity to girlfriend Zoe, Connie's daughter. Dale has decided that his destiny is to take over Cuckoo's potato wagon so Dylan asks him to provide food for the party. Dale is a wow with the girls, including Rachel, and the food he serves up with its special sauce is a hit. Unfortunately the sauce, which he found in the garage, is well past its sell-by date and by the time Connie turns up with Lorna in tow to stop her daughter having sex, all the party-goers are throwing up.
This programme contains
some strong language
KEN: No, no, no!
I don't want to go to Steve and
Connie's, why did you agree to that?
You're supposed to love me.
Connie's making a pudding.
Don't trick me
with Connie's pudding again.
Steve is really looking forward
to seeing you.
Don't you want to see your friends?
Steve is not my friend.
I'm seeing MY friends this weekend
at the university reunion piss-up.
They're the people I like.
Kind of like.
You see more of Steve than you do
of all of that lot put together.
I think that's the saddest thing
that anyone's ever said.
HE SIGHS
What're you two doing tonight?
Mortgage forms. Woo(!)
Got a meet with an advisor tomorrow,
but later we're watching a DVD.
Oh, calm down, Sid and Nancy.
Someone's going to get hurt.
Heh...
Hey, Mom! Oh, please don't call me
that. Check this out.
DING!
HE GIGGLES
I learned a song too.
# Hare Krishna
Hare Krishna
# Krishna, Krishna... #
# Rama, rama
Hare Rama. #
Meet anyone interesting today?
Yes, I did, Ken.
These really super sweet guys.
Bald-headed guys? Yes!
Were they in the shopping centre
giving out leaflets?
You know them too?!
The nicest folk I've met
since I've been here.
Well, aside from those
super-friendly
Jehovah's Witness guys
last Wednesday.
Yes. This also happened.
Ken told me
I should stop talking to them.
After all, I did just get
out of some cult myself.
Not going to dive back into
another one any time soon!
Oh, Dale...
What?
No.
Yes.
Are you serious?!
You gotta be kidding me!
Oh, look, it's the Dale-lai Lama!
Dale-lai Lama, Ken.
Here's the woman I married.
Very nice!
Change now.
It's pure bullshit.
I mean, if you look at the real data,
they are in fact harmless.
We should all be taking them,
all of us.
It's just not politically correct
to say so.
Yeah, regardless, I'll have the pate
without steroids, please.
All right.
I've forgotten which is which now.
The chicken liver. God, Steve!
OK, I'm just trying to change things
from the norm.
Like we do in this house, apparently.
Sorry, guys.
Steve still gets jealous
about my having a Latin stallion
of a lover.
But mostly, the three of us
get along just fine.
Isn't that right, Pepe?
So, Dale, how are you settling in?
Oh, great! Everyone's so nice here.
Though, no offence,
you do live pretty weird lives.
I mean,
you have no discernible leader,
children live with
their own parents.
Oh, and purification by fire
doesn't even exist here.
No. Oh, and get this.
Every time I find people I actually
relate to, Ken says they're a cult.
I think, psychologically speaking,
that leaving this cult has left you
searching for an identity.
That's why joining another cult
is an easy fix.
Really, Connie,
so interesting to hear
your wholly unprofessional opinion.
No, no. Hold on, chief Ken.
Connie, you are a wise old woman.
So if this is true, what does
it mean? What should I do?
Well, a lot of people find
an identity through their work.
What are you good at?
I don't know.
I spent 21 years of my life
staying physically and spiritually
pure so I can be beamed up to space
and hang out with
sexually curious aliens. Nice.
Turns out that's a no-go.
So, any other ideas?
Some people follow
their father's profession.
Oh, no...
Oh, boom! Potato van.
Oh, my God, Dale,
you would love that.
That is such a great idea.
Like following in
my father's footsteps.
Think I'm going to go for a piss.
ZOE GIGGLES
DYLAN MUMBLES PLAYFULLY
Dylan, out. Now.
Oi, ten more minutes.
I don't see why. You don't appear
to be using the toilet.
Come on, I'm close to a
breakthrough here. Man's solidarity.
Hold it in. Out!
Ken. Oh, hello, Zoe!
You are going to hate the nursing
home I stick you in. Oh, scared(!)
I must increase
my pension contributions.
So, Dad, when are you going to buy me
a car for getting into university?
This isn't an American film, Dylan,
I'm never going to buy you a car.
If I had money to buy you a car,
I'd buy ME a car.
You are so ungrateful. How do you
even sleep at night? Jesus.
Er, don't get out here,
it's dangerous, Dylan.
Don't want my mates to know
you're my dad.
Goodbye, son!
Have a nice day, my boy.
Hey, everybody, that's my son!
Dylan Thompson!
He loves me, and I love him!
Little prick.
Dylan, it's uncanny.
Every time we're about to do it,
something interrupts.
Maybe it's the universe's way
of saying
you're meant to stay a virgin.
Yeah, but I'm not a virgin.
I lost my virginity to an escort
on Cuckoo's stag do.
No-one believes that story.
What?!
OK, look, listen,
my dad's away at some reunion
this weekend, so that means
I've only got to get Mum out
the house and she's a soft touch.
She actually trusts me.
What? You can get
a free house on Saturday?
Yeah! We're going to do things
that shouldn't be allowed.
Why don't you have
a massive fuck-off party?
Erm, because I'm not allowed
to have a massive fuck-off party.
You get a free house, have a party.
It's what people do, Dylan.
Yeah, well, I-I can't.
If you don't, you're dickless.
And I can't have sex with someone
who's dickless, it doesn't work.
Logistically. Zoe, wait...
So if, IF I have this party...
..can we have sex at that party?
Why not? Sure. You swear?
Swear.
Get ready. Virgin.
I will!
I mean, I'm not.
I'm tapping that on Saturday night.
Cuckoo?
Oh, hey, Mom.
Please don't call me that.
Um...why are you wearing
Cuckoo's clothes?
Oh, I found the stash of them
in the van.
Oh, check this out.
His book of potato recipes.
Cool, huh? Yeah.
Mom, for the first time
since I left the ashram,
I feel like I finally belong
somewhere.
I mean, I have a destiny.
I'm a potato man, just like Dad.
Well, good luck with it.
Hey, wait... Mom.
I have to ask,
am I anything like him?
Oh, Dale, I barely know you.
First impressions, just shoot.
Well, I don't know. Um...
Cuckoo was this free, chaotic spirit
who just made everyone happy.
When you were with him,
life was like a party.
And you're more like this loyal dog
who does whatever anyone tells you.
All right. No, no, that, um...
that makes sense.
Well...
a potato man's work is never done.
Got to keep going!
Bye, Mom. Bye...
Bye, Dad.
Say hi to your uni mates for me!
Oh, bye, Dylan. Yeah.
See you soon, son.
Mum. Where are you going
to be on Saturday?
I'm staying in. Stuffing my face.
X Factor and Strictly and no Dad
trying to turn it over to BBC Four.
Come on, it's a Saturday night,
you should go out.
Nah, don't feel like it.
You know, Dad's away,
time for the mouse to play.
Not in a bad way, obviously.
But, I mean,
if someone does take your fancy...
Look, I'm just saying
I think you should go out
and have a few drinks and be back
by two in the morning, no earlier.
What's your angle, Dylan?
OK, look.
I want to have a party on Saturday.
There you go!
All you needed to do was ask.
No. Mum!
Actually, I'm surprised.
Cos you're that bit cooler than Dad,
aren't you?
I mean, you went to that
Hasha thingy. The Hacienda.
Yeah, twice.
Me and the girls drove in
from Chesterfield.
Viv had this old Ford Sierra...
There you go, fascinating.
So, can I have a party?
No, love. I'd say yes
but your dad would kill me.
Zoe said she'll have sex with me
if I have a party.
Go on...!
Nice, wasn't he?
That's why I picked him.
I thought, for a mortgage advisor,
this guy is cool.
You're quiet.
Yeah...
Don't know, it's weird, isn't it?
I mean, we're talking about loans
for 25 years.
It's older than me!
That's what I love about us, Rach.
We balance each other so well.
You've got this wild side
that's like, "Let's go to Laos
"and party under the waterfalls."
I've got that too, totally.
But there's also
this tiny lawyer part of me
that looks at a five-year flat rate
below 4% and goes,
"That's kind of thrilling,
in a daft sort of way."
THEY LAUGH
Do you think we will ever go to Laos
and party under the waterfalls?
Oh, for sure.
But Rach, building a life,
there's some dull stuff to be done.
You know, like you've got to eat
your main course
before you get pudding.
Why not just eat pudding?
Well, you can,
after your main course.
Yeah... But you could just
go straight to pudding.
Yeah.
Right. Yeah! Yeah. Yeah...
Best mum ever. No contest.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Oh, please! Guess what? Mum says
I can have a party on Saturday.
Are you serious?
You never let me have a party.
Dylan's going to lose his virginity.
About bloody time.
Oi! I am not a virgin. Oh, Dylan,
nobody believes that story.
Tell them what they have to do, then.
So I'm heading off to Stratford
with Connie,
and I thought, responsible adults...
Oh, an honour, Lorna.
Really?!
Sure, yeah,
just hang out in your room
and make sure the kids
don't get out of hand.
Kids? I'm like three years older
than them.
Most of them probably fancied me
at school.
No-one fancied you at school,
or in fact now.
Er, not true. I do.
So that's one person.
Anyway, we can't on Saturday
cos we've got plans.
Big plans. Haven't we, Ben?
Damn right we do. Last four episodes
of True Detective.
Actually, Rach, we could just
polish them off in your room
while the party rages.
Oh, yeah, didn't think of that.
Thanks, Ben(!)
Dale, Dylan's going to have a party.
Oh, great!
We had parties on the ashram.
Vashradi would take
the special magical powder
and intercourse with the womenfolk
all day. It looked like fun.
Don't get too excited,
you're not coming. Oh!
What?! He'll do something
really weird and ruin it.
Fair point, I probably would. Wait!
All parties need food.
People get hungry.
Right. Where's this going?
Dale, your potato van. Mum, no!
Oh, no, tomorrow night?
No, no, no, no, I'm not ready.
I haven't practised
half the recipes.
You've got to start sometime.
You've worked really hard.
You think? Yeah.
OK. I'm there.
Tomorrow, cometh the hour,
cometh the potato man.
Thanks, best Mom ever!
Mm! Not as shit
as I thought it would be.
It's got a tang.
Thanks. That's my dad's
special sauce. Great.
So anyway, Dale, it's really
important that you stay away
from the party
until the right moment.
OK, got it. When will that be?
I don't know, towards the end,
when the party starts winding down,
that's when people will get
really hungry.
Oh! I like it, that's clever.
So you sit here for six, seven hours,
and then I'll text you
when I need you. Yeah? OK?
Yeah, no problem. On the ashram,
during my year in solitary,
I learned to access
a trance-like state.
That just makes time fly by.
Great, use that. Laters.
Hey, Dale...
You know,
I'm kinda nervous about this.
My dad was the best philosophical
potato man in all of Litchfield.
I can't help but think,
what if I'm not a natural at this?
What if I let your sister down
and betray my father's legacy?
And if I'm not a potato man,
then...who am I?
I don't give a shit, mate.
MUSIC: "Down The Road" by C2C
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
Hi, guys.
What's up, mate? All right?
Enter the pleasure dome!
Get yourself comfy in the bedroom
and I'll bring the drinks.
Dylan, I just got here.
Yeah, you said... I'm not going to
walk in and shag you straightaway.
Party's still warming up. This way
we miss the lame early stages.
Repeat after me, we'll do it
when Zoe says we'll do it.
We'll do it when Zoe says
we'll do it. Good boy.
Now, Zoe wants a drink.
Ready to rock!
I brought a massive bag of Twiglets.
Right...
MUSIC: "Over Your Shoulder"
by Chromeo
TV SHOW PLAYS ON LAPTOP
What was the best party you ever
went to? Not over the show, Rach.
What was the best party
you ever went to?
Well, OK, picture the scene.
Warwick, a murder mystery party, I
spotted the killer within the hour.
OK, mine was out in Thailand.
Cuckoo rode us all out to
this little teeny, tiny island.
Party was heaving,
and I can remember just being
pressed up against him.
And running out into the forest
to make love.
Dancing again.
Making love again.
Sorry, Ben, I totally interrupted
you there. Oh, yeah.
Erm...after I won the game,
er, we all had an orgy...
..and some heroin.
Did you?
Yeah. Warwick was just
that sort of town.
Up. Yeah, you're right,
we should probably check on them.
It's a party,
why don't we just join in?
Because we're supervising them.
We're still young.
We can still show these kids
a bit of a thing or two.
Mm!
MUSIC: "No More Serious Faces"
by Inpetto
You see the match today?
Yeah, 5-0. You see the first goal?
Punching. Wasn't offside, was it?
I mean, Steve says he wants to be
part of the lovemaking,
but most of the time he glowers
in the corner eating monkey nuts.
Shells all over the carpet.
Ken likes monkey nuts.
So go on, then,
what gossip from you?
Nothing.
Oh, apart from the obvious.
The obvious?
Zoe hasn't told you?
Tonight's the night.
Night for what?
For Dylan and Zoe, the first time.
Doing the thing.
Connie. What, what the...
We've got to stop them!
Let's drink to the greatest night
of Zoe's life!
CHEERING
MUSIC: "212" by Azealia Banks
Everybody's hungry, Dylan.
MOBILE BEEPS
Oh, boy. Spirit of my father,
look down on me.
MUSIC: "Mr Boombastic" by Shaggy
Who is that?
Who here likes jack-at potatoes?
GIRLS GIGGLE AND SCREAM
OK. Yes!
Oh, my God...
Are you Dylan's brother?
No, I am his sister's
husband's long-lost son.
Do you want some sauce?
I would love to try your sauce.
THEY GIGGLE
Uh-uh, not mine, my dead father's.
There you go.
What's your name?
Er, hi. You want some sauce?
Oh, I'd love some of your sauce.
So good.
Who's next?
Oh, boy.
All right, more, yes? OK. Sauce?
I fell under Steve's sexual fraud
at a very early age
and I've never recovered.
I can't have that happen to Zoe.
Oh, come on, Connie,
it's not like she's a virgin.
She certainly is!
She had sex with Neil. Nina's kid.
Lies, Lorna. She is unmounted.
Now, just be quiet,
while I concentrate on protecting
my chaste, high-achieving daughter
from your predatory no-hoper son!
Well, I think Dylan's lovely.
MUSIC: "White Lines"
by Grandmaster Flash
Come on.
Britain's ultimate lad, mate. Yeah?
It said premium lager.
But I don't think it was premium.
How did I do, Dad?
You. Dance floor.
What? Me?
It's time. Virgin.
I'm not a vir... Oh...
STOMACH GRUMBLES
Just should've read the label.
I mean, that beer was at least 4%.
Yeah.
Don't worry, though,
I always get a second wind.
Course you do.
I love you.
MUSIC: "Everyone Nose" by N.E.R.D.
That was super fun.
Whoo! Yeah! OK, I'll see you later.
Take them off, then.
So you want to see the goods?
Whatever.
STOMACH GURGLING
Give me a few seconds.
Oh, God, help me now, please help me.
If there is a god,
help me now, intercede.
KNOCKING
Dylan! Dylan.
What are you doing in there?
Er, one second!
Come on, Dylan. Yeah. One sec.
KNOCKING
Dylan!
Just open the door, Dylan.
Hey.
There you are.
Yeah. Just, er,
making myself look nice, you know,
I want this to be special.
You look weird.
I'm just massively turned on.
Er, my room?
Thought we could stay here.
Take it slowly.
Oh, yeah? And enjoy the moment.
Yeah, definitely.
RUMBLING, RETCHING
HE RETCHES AND SWALLOWS HARD
Are you ready? Virgin.
STRAINED: Yeah...
I used to go out dancing
all the time.
Seems like a lifetime ago.
Well, you had fun tonight.
Yeah.
God, but look at me.
22-year-old widow.
Boring job. Frumpy.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, crap! You're easily the
hottest girl at this whole party.
No, you don't have to say that.
It's true, Rachel.
When I saw you on that dance floor,
I was just like,
"Oh, my gosh, there's Mom,
she's so stunningly beautiful."
It makes me...
I don't know,
it makes my heart sink into my toes
and my whole self kind of tingle.
Probably just pride.
Yeah.
Well, congratulations,
that special sauce was perfect.
How did you make that?
I didn't have to, there was
two bottles of it in the garage.
In the garage?
Mmm-hmm. Dale, those bottles
would've been two years old,
there was fish in that sauce.
GROANING
Oh, God, how many people had
that sauce, Dale? Only everyone.
So slave, do you want this? Yeah.
Say you want it, slave.
I want it, definitely. Quickly.
No. I'm going to make you wait.
Really? No, please don't.
CAR APPROACHES
Rachel, where's Zoe?
KNOCKING
I need to be sick!
Go away! Are you ready?
Mm-hm. Yeah, I'm so ready, come on.
HAMMERING ON DOOR
Zoe, come out of there. Mum!
Get out of there now!
Carry on, Zoe, please.
I'll break the door down!
Zoe, don't stop, don't stop.
OMINOUS, DEEP RUMBLING
I'm coming in!
GRUMBLING
Zoe! Are you still...
ENORMOUS FART
..intact? Oh!
ZOE YELPS
Gross!
ZOE SCREAMS
No, why, why?! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
No, please, hold it in!
Oh, here, do it in this!
Everyone out of the house!
What happened?
Why did everyone get sick?
I don't know.
Maybe they just drank too much.
Oh!
Oh, they killed me, Lorn.
The bastards killed me.
Did someone have too much booze?
Oh...
You probably want to get
straight to bed, don't you?
Correct.
Have you redecorated in here?
Erm, maybe. Yes.
Just on a whim,
I just fancied a change.
So you put up exactly the same
wallpaper and carpets as before?
You don't want to deal
with this now.
I don't want to deal with this now.
You just want to lie down.
I just want to lie down.
HE SNIFFS
Did you have fondue?
some strong language
KEN: No, no, no!
I don't want to go to Steve and
Connie's, why did you agree to that?
You're supposed to love me.
Connie's making a pudding.
Don't trick me
with Connie's pudding again.
Steve is really looking forward
to seeing you.
Don't you want to see your friends?
Steve is not my friend.
I'm seeing MY friends this weekend
at the university reunion piss-up.
They're the people I like.
Kind of like.
You see more of Steve than you do
of all of that lot put together.
I think that's the saddest thing
that anyone's ever said.
HE SIGHS
What're you two doing tonight?
Mortgage forms. Woo(!)
Got a meet with an advisor tomorrow,
but later we're watching a DVD.
Oh, calm down, Sid and Nancy.
Someone's going to get hurt.
Heh...
Hey, Mom! Oh, please don't call me
that. Check this out.
DING!
HE GIGGLES
I learned a song too.
# Hare Krishna
Hare Krishna
# Krishna, Krishna... #
# Rama, rama
Hare Rama. #
Meet anyone interesting today?
Yes, I did, Ken.
These really super sweet guys.
Bald-headed guys? Yes!
Were they in the shopping centre
giving out leaflets?
You know them too?!
The nicest folk I've met
since I've been here.
Well, aside from those
super-friendly
Jehovah's Witness guys
last Wednesday.
Yes. This also happened.
Ken told me
I should stop talking to them.
After all, I did just get
out of some cult myself.
Not going to dive back into
another one any time soon!
Oh, Dale...
What?
No.
Yes.
Are you serious?!
You gotta be kidding me!
Oh, look, it's the Dale-lai Lama!
Dale-lai Lama, Ken.
Here's the woman I married.
Very nice!
Change now.
It's pure bullshit.
I mean, if you look at the real data,
they are in fact harmless.
We should all be taking them,
all of us.
It's just not politically correct
to say so.
Yeah, regardless, I'll have the pate
without steroids, please.
All right.
I've forgotten which is which now.
The chicken liver. God, Steve!
OK, I'm just trying to change things
from the norm.
Like we do in this house, apparently.
Sorry, guys.
Steve still gets jealous
about my having a Latin stallion
of a lover.
But mostly, the three of us
get along just fine.
Isn't that right, Pepe?
So, Dale, how are you settling in?
Oh, great! Everyone's so nice here.
Though, no offence,
you do live pretty weird lives.
I mean,
you have no discernible leader,
children live with
their own parents.
Oh, and purification by fire
doesn't even exist here.
No. Oh, and get this.
Every time I find people I actually
relate to, Ken says they're a cult.
I think, psychologically speaking,
that leaving this cult has left you
searching for an identity.
That's why joining another cult
is an easy fix.
Really, Connie,
so interesting to hear
your wholly unprofessional opinion.
No, no. Hold on, chief Ken.
Connie, you are a wise old woman.
So if this is true, what does
it mean? What should I do?
Well, a lot of people find
an identity through their work.
What are you good at?
I don't know.
I spent 21 years of my life
staying physically and spiritually
pure so I can be beamed up to space
and hang out with
sexually curious aliens. Nice.
Turns out that's a no-go.
So, any other ideas?
Some people follow
their father's profession.
Oh, no...
Oh, boom! Potato van.
Oh, my God, Dale,
you would love that.
That is such a great idea.
Like following in
my father's footsteps.
Think I'm going to go for a piss.
ZOE GIGGLES
DYLAN MUMBLES PLAYFULLY
Dylan, out. Now.
Oi, ten more minutes.
I don't see why. You don't appear
to be using the toilet.
Come on, I'm close to a
breakthrough here. Man's solidarity.
Hold it in. Out!
Ken. Oh, hello, Zoe!
You are going to hate the nursing
home I stick you in. Oh, scared(!)
I must increase
my pension contributions.
So, Dad, when are you going to buy me
a car for getting into university?
This isn't an American film, Dylan,
I'm never going to buy you a car.
If I had money to buy you a car,
I'd buy ME a car.
You are so ungrateful. How do you
even sleep at night? Jesus.
Er, don't get out here,
it's dangerous, Dylan.
Don't want my mates to know
you're my dad.
Goodbye, son!
Have a nice day, my boy.
Hey, everybody, that's my son!
Dylan Thompson!
He loves me, and I love him!
Little prick.
Dylan, it's uncanny.
Every time we're about to do it,
something interrupts.
Maybe it's the universe's way
of saying
you're meant to stay a virgin.
Yeah, but I'm not a virgin.
I lost my virginity to an escort
on Cuckoo's stag do.
No-one believes that story.
What?!
OK, look, listen,
my dad's away at some reunion
this weekend, so that means
I've only got to get Mum out
the house and she's a soft touch.
She actually trusts me.
What? You can get
a free house on Saturday?
Yeah! We're going to do things
that shouldn't be allowed.
Why don't you have
a massive fuck-off party?
Erm, because I'm not allowed
to have a massive fuck-off party.
You get a free house, have a party.
It's what people do, Dylan.
Yeah, well, I-I can't.
If you don't, you're dickless.
And I can't have sex with someone
who's dickless, it doesn't work.
Logistically. Zoe, wait...
So if, IF I have this party...
..can we have sex at that party?
Why not? Sure. You swear?
Swear.
Get ready. Virgin.
I will!
I mean, I'm not.
I'm tapping that on Saturday night.
Cuckoo?
Oh, hey, Mom.
Please don't call me that.
Um...why are you wearing
Cuckoo's clothes?
Oh, I found the stash of them
in the van.
Oh, check this out.
His book of potato recipes.
Cool, huh? Yeah.
Mom, for the first time
since I left the ashram,
I feel like I finally belong
somewhere.
I mean, I have a destiny.
I'm a potato man, just like Dad.
Well, good luck with it.
Hey, wait... Mom.
I have to ask,
am I anything like him?
Oh, Dale, I barely know you.
First impressions, just shoot.
Well, I don't know. Um...
Cuckoo was this free, chaotic spirit
who just made everyone happy.
When you were with him,
life was like a party.
And you're more like this loyal dog
who does whatever anyone tells you.
All right. No, no, that, um...
that makes sense.
Well...
a potato man's work is never done.
Got to keep going!
Bye, Mom. Bye...
Bye, Dad.
Say hi to your uni mates for me!
Oh, bye, Dylan. Yeah.
See you soon, son.
Mum. Where are you going
to be on Saturday?
I'm staying in. Stuffing my face.
X Factor and Strictly and no Dad
trying to turn it over to BBC Four.
Come on, it's a Saturday night,
you should go out.
Nah, don't feel like it.
You know, Dad's away,
time for the mouse to play.
Not in a bad way, obviously.
But, I mean,
if someone does take your fancy...
Look, I'm just saying
I think you should go out
and have a few drinks and be back
by two in the morning, no earlier.
What's your angle, Dylan?
OK, look.
I want to have a party on Saturday.
There you go!
All you needed to do was ask.
No. Mum!
Actually, I'm surprised.
Cos you're that bit cooler than Dad,
aren't you?
I mean, you went to that
Hasha thingy. The Hacienda.
Yeah, twice.
Me and the girls drove in
from Chesterfield.
Viv had this old Ford Sierra...
There you go, fascinating.
So, can I have a party?
No, love. I'd say yes
but your dad would kill me.
Zoe said she'll have sex with me
if I have a party.
Go on...!
Nice, wasn't he?
That's why I picked him.
I thought, for a mortgage advisor,
this guy is cool.
You're quiet.
Yeah...
Don't know, it's weird, isn't it?
I mean, we're talking about loans
for 25 years.
It's older than me!
That's what I love about us, Rach.
We balance each other so well.
You've got this wild side
that's like, "Let's go to Laos
"and party under the waterfalls."
I've got that too, totally.
But there's also
this tiny lawyer part of me
that looks at a five-year flat rate
below 4% and goes,
"That's kind of thrilling,
in a daft sort of way."
THEY LAUGH
Do you think we will ever go to Laos
and party under the waterfalls?
Oh, for sure.
But Rach, building a life,
there's some dull stuff to be done.
You know, like you've got to eat
your main course
before you get pudding.
Why not just eat pudding?
Well, you can,
after your main course.
Yeah... But you could just
go straight to pudding.
Yeah.
Right. Yeah! Yeah. Yeah...
Best mum ever. No contest.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Oh, please! Guess what? Mum says
I can have a party on Saturday.
Are you serious?
You never let me have a party.
Dylan's going to lose his virginity.
About bloody time.
Oi! I am not a virgin. Oh, Dylan,
nobody believes that story.
Tell them what they have to do, then.
So I'm heading off to Stratford
with Connie,
and I thought, responsible adults...
Oh, an honour, Lorna.
Really?!
Sure, yeah,
just hang out in your room
and make sure the kids
don't get out of hand.
Kids? I'm like three years older
than them.
Most of them probably fancied me
at school.
No-one fancied you at school,
or in fact now.
Er, not true. I do.
So that's one person.
Anyway, we can't on Saturday
cos we've got plans.
Big plans. Haven't we, Ben?
Damn right we do. Last four episodes
of True Detective.
Actually, Rach, we could just
polish them off in your room
while the party rages.
Oh, yeah, didn't think of that.
Thanks, Ben(!)
Dale, Dylan's going to have a party.
Oh, great!
We had parties on the ashram.
Vashradi would take
the special magical powder
and intercourse with the womenfolk
all day. It looked like fun.
Don't get too excited,
you're not coming. Oh!
What?! He'll do something
really weird and ruin it.
Fair point, I probably would. Wait!
All parties need food.
People get hungry.
Right. Where's this going?
Dale, your potato van. Mum, no!
Oh, no, tomorrow night?
No, no, no, no, I'm not ready.
I haven't practised
half the recipes.
You've got to start sometime.
You've worked really hard.
You think? Yeah.
OK. I'm there.
Tomorrow, cometh the hour,
cometh the potato man.
Thanks, best Mom ever!
Mm! Not as shit
as I thought it would be.
It's got a tang.
Thanks. That's my dad's
special sauce. Great.
So anyway, Dale, it's really
important that you stay away
from the party
until the right moment.
OK, got it. When will that be?
I don't know, towards the end,
when the party starts winding down,
that's when people will get
really hungry.
Oh! I like it, that's clever.
So you sit here for six, seven hours,
and then I'll text you
when I need you. Yeah? OK?
Yeah, no problem. On the ashram,
during my year in solitary,
I learned to access
a trance-like state.
That just makes time fly by.
Great, use that. Laters.
Hey, Dale...
You know,
I'm kinda nervous about this.
My dad was the best philosophical
potato man in all of Litchfield.
I can't help but think,
what if I'm not a natural at this?
What if I let your sister down
and betray my father's legacy?
And if I'm not a potato man,
then...who am I?
I don't give a shit, mate.
MUSIC: "Down The Road" by C2C
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
Hi, guys.
What's up, mate? All right?
Enter the pleasure dome!
Get yourself comfy in the bedroom
and I'll bring the drinks.
Dylan, I just got here.
Yeah, you said... I'm not going to
walk in and shag you straightaway.
Party's still warming up. This way
we miss the lame early stages.
Repeat after me, we'll do it
when Zoe says we'll do it.
We'll do it when Zoe says
we'll do it. Good boy.
Now, Zoe wants a drink.
Ready to rock!
I brought a massive bag of Twiglets.
Right...
MUSIC: "Over Your Shoulder"
by Chromeo
TV SHOW PLAYS ON LAPTOP
What was the best party you ever
went to? Not over the show, Rach.
What was the best party
you ever went to?
Well, OK, picture the scene.
Warwick, a murder mystery party, I
spotted the killer within the hour.
OK, mine was out in Thailand.
Cuckoo rode us all out to
this little teeny, tiny island.
Party was heaving,
and I can remember just being
pressed up against him.
And running out into the forest
to make love.
Dancing again.
Making love again.
Sorry, Ben, I totally interrupted
you there. Oh, yeah.
Erm...after I won the game,
er, we all had an orgy...
..and some heroin.
Did you?
Yeah. Warwick was just
that sort of town.
Up. Yeah, you're right,
we should probably check on them.
It's a party,
why don't we just join in?
Because we're supervising them.
We're still young.
We can still show these kids
a bit of a thing or two.
Mm!
MUSIC: "No More Serious Faces"
by Inpetto
You see the match today?
Yeah, 5-0. You see the first goal?
Punching. Wasn't offside, was it?
I mean, Steve says he wants to be
part of the lovemaking,
but most of the time he glowers
in the corner eating monkey nuts.
Shells all over the carpet.
Ken likes monkey nuts.
So go on, then,
what gossip from you?
Nothing.
Oh, apart from the obvious.
The obvious?
Zoe hasn't told you?
Tonight's the night.
Night for what?
For Dylan and Zoe, the first time.
Doing the thing.
Connie. What, what the...
We've got to stop them!
Let's drink to the greatest night
of Zoe's life!
CHEERING
MUSIC: "212" by Azealia Banks
Everybody's hungry, Dylan.
MOBILE BEEPS
Oh, boy. Spirit of my father,
look down on me.
MUSIC: "Mr Boombastic" by Shaggy
Who is that?
Who here likes jack-at potatoes?
GIRLS GIGGLE AND SCREAM
OK. Yes!
Oh, my God...
Are you Dylan's brother?
No, I am his sister's
husband's long-lost son.
Do you want some sauce?
I would love to try your sauce.
THEY GIGGLE
Uh-uh, not mine, my dead father's.
There you go.
What's your name?
Er, hi. You want some sauce?
Oh, I'd love some of your sauce.
So good.
Who's next?
Oh, boy.
All right, more, yes? OK. Sauce?
I fell under Steve's sexual fraud
at a very early age
and I've never recovered.
I can't have that happen to Zoe.
Oh, come on, Connie,
it's not like she's a virgin.
She certainly is!
She had sex with Neil. Nina's kid.
Lies, Lorna. She is unmounted.
Now, just be quiet,
while I concentrate on protecting
my chaste, high-achieving daughter
from your predatory no-hoper son!
Well, I think Dylan's lovely.
MUSIC: "White Lines"
by Grandmaster Flash
Come on.
Britain's ultimate lad, mate. Yeah?
It said premium lager.
But I don't think it was premium.
How did I do, Dad?
You. Dance floor.
What? Me?
It's time. Virgin.
I'm not a vir... Oh...
STOMACH GRUMBLES
Just should've read the label.
I mean, that beer was at least 4%.
Yeah.
Don't worry, though,
I always get a second wind.
Course you do.
I love you.
MUSIC: "Everyone Nose" by N.E.R.D.
That was super fun.
Whoo! Yeah! OK, I'll see you later.
Take them off, then.
So you want to see the goods?
Whatever.
STOMACH GURGLING
Give me a few seconds.
Oh, God, help me now, please help me.
If there is a god,
help me now, intercede.
KNOCKING
Dylan! Dylan.
What are you doing in there?
Er, one second!
Come on, Dylan. Yeah. One sec.
KNOCKING
Dylan!
Just open the door, Dylan.
Hey.
There you are.
Yeah. Just, er,
making myself look nice, you know,
I want this to be special.
You look weird.
I'm just massively turned on.
Er, my room?
Thought we could stay here.
Take it slowly.
Oh, yeah? And enjoy the moment.
Yeah, definitely.
RUMBLING, RETCHING
HE RETCHES AND SWALLOWS HARD
Are you ready? Virgin.
STRAINED: Yeah...
I used to go out dancing
all the time.
Seems like a lifetime ago.
Well, you had fun tonight.
Yeah.
God, but look at me.
22-year-old widow.
Boring job. Frumpy.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, crap! You're easily the
hottest girl at this whole party.
No, you don't have to say that.
It's true, Rachel.
When I saw you on that dance floor,
I was just like,
"Oh, my gosh, there's Mom,
she's so stunningly beautiful."
It makes me...
I don't know,
it makes my heart sink into my toes
and my whole self kind of tingle.
Probably just pride.
Yeah.
Well, congratulations,
that special sauce was perfect.
How did you make that?
I didn't have to, there was
two bottles of it in the garage.
In the garage?
Mmm-hmm. Dale, those bottles
would've been two years old,
there was fish in that sauce.
GROANING
Oh, God, how many people had
that sauce, Dale? Only everyone.
So slave, do you want this? Yeah.
Say you want it, slave.
I want it, definitely. Quickly.
No. I'm going to make you wait.
Really? No, please don't.
CAR APPROACHES
Rachel, where's Zoe?
KNOCKING
I need to be sick!
Go away! Are you ready?
Mm-hm. Yeah, I'm so ready, come on.
HAMMERING ON DOOR
Zoe, come out of there. Mum!
Get out of there now!
Carry on, Zoe, please.
I'll break the door down!
Zoe, don't stop, don't stop.
OMINOUS, DEEP RUMBLING
I'm coming in!
GRUMBLING
Zoe! Are you still...
ENORMOUS FART
..intact? Oh!
ZOE YELPS
Gross!
ZOE SCREAMS
No, why, why?! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
No, please, hold it in!
Oh, here, do it in this!
Everyone out of the house!
What happened?
Why did everyone get sick?
I don't know.
Maybe they just drank too much.
Oh!
Oh, they killed me, Lorn.
The bastards killed me.
Did someone have too much booze?
Oh...
You probably want to get
straight to bed, don't you?
Correct.
Have you redecorated in here?
Erm, maybe. Yes.
Just on a whim,
I just fancied a change.
So you put up exactly the same
wallpaper and carpets as before?
You don't want to deal
with this now.
I don't want to deal with this now.
You just want to lie down.
I just want to lie down.
HE SNIFFS
Did you have fondue?