Crimi Clowns (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Klappen in De Handjes - full transcript
Wesley learns from grandpa what an incorrigible sex-obsessed rascal Ronny was since infancy. Jos Den Dief found out what happened to Jay but accepts the Tersagos tried to kill him after a misunderstanding and allows finishing the job. Ronny promises debt service, for which he counts of a data crime contracted from Wim Leblanc, who tends, according to Jos, to dodge paying big dues. With her husband incarcerated for police abuse, hence the restaurant out of order, Polish waitress Katia gets her 'audition' fro Wesley's nursery rhymes-based hit project 'Clapping hands'. She's so bad at music a studio singer must be hired, but still gets engaged for the Crimi Clowns show just because Ronny can't resist such a shamelessly willing 'good lay'.
Welcome. Welcome, dear tv-watching children.
A small overview of what happened before.
Fuck off.
Good evening, gentlemen.
That's the official charge. We're just coming verify it.
What ?!
I would like to cooperate. But I don't like to snitch.
You're not going to blame me here, you damn bastard!
Softy. faggot. cuntbull. Stinky monkey. - Good. So you are arrested.
Ladies and gentlemen, highly honored audience...
as was to be expected and foreseen:
the Patron and the police, that doesn't really click.
Now the Patron does not receive his 50 euros, does not pass start,
but goes straight to jail.
Poor Patron.
Feeling bad, Mr Franssen?
He has a problem. He's not feeling well.
Mr Franssen, do you have a problem?
What ? Say it again.
He wants you.
I'm fucking missing his ear.
Wow, such a valuable piece.
Good afternoon...
wesley.
Hi, Lou.
Have you had breakfast yet? - It's been a while, honey.
Oh. - But take whatever.
I have charcuterie in the fridge and defrosted some fresh bread.
OK.
Did she stay over tonight or?
Ronny ?
Huh?
Here ! His ear.
Just a little bit back. More, just a little bit more.
Squat a bit.
Very well.
Dork ! My mascara.
Joining us today at the Crimi Clowns Glamor Club: Katia Mermowitz.
Rising star in the Flemish media firmament.
Part One.
Hello, Katia. - Hi, Wesley.
My lens has shifted again.
Can you see it ?
What is your biggest dream?
Don't you know that already?
But the viewers may not.
I thought this movie stayed between us.
Man, man, man ...
Yes, okay. And for how long ?
No. OK. Bye.
He broke an inspector's nose.
Strangled a female inspector, they had to resuscitate her.
What the hell is he doing?
Yes. He'll be staying there for a while.
I'm going to have to close the Wooden Spoon for a while anyway.
I really don't know anymore.
Maybe you should hang a notice on the door.
'Closed due to circumstances'.
Yes.
I'll call the police in an hour or two.
I still have very good contacts with those big guys. Right, Lou?
Sure. With the top. The highest peak. The ultra top.
Thanks, Lou.
I have the number of Paul Jacobs, who is higher than a commissioner.
Come on, baby. Go take a shower and I'll call Paul Jacobs later.
Good ? - Yes.
Sweet child, huh, Lou?
Here. The number of the Paul.
For ?
You were going to put in a good word for the Patron, weren't you?
Are you retarded or something?
Maybe I'm stupid, yes.
But you're not going to abuse that girl and then drop her like a brick!
Louke, she's gonna be a star.
Yes. I know that.
And 'Clap your hands' will be a top hit.
Brilliant song, Wesley. Really and truly.
Thanks, Lou.
When is she going to audition now?
That's already happened. - This morning ?
From eight to ten.
And why... ? - That you weren't there?
Yes. - Where were you?
I couldn't keep waiting, huh, Lou. - I knew nothing about it.
We've talked about it extensively.
You were going to be here at eight instead of ten.
No. - Wes?
Absolutely. - Goddamnit !
That damn memory, huh.
And how did she do?
She really can't sing, dude.
Damn. - But we'll hire her anyway.
Seriously ? - Yes, Lou, really.
There is no hornier clown lady. And no embarrassment at all.
You just ask 'show your boobs' and she just undresses.
OK.
And how are we going to do that with the song?
A studio singer. 250 euros and we're done.
OK.
Poor her.
Two days later.
Silence before recording ! Clap your hands.
Tape running. Take 1.
And... Action!
Parrot is sick and he must die.
Make applesauce from preserves.
In a small station early in the morning
seven carts were neatly lined up. Hands in the air, hands at the sides.
On the evil bolleke both.
That was 150, wasn't it?
250.
Yes? - Yes.
And if I pay in black?
That's in black.
Yes?
We agreed on that, right? - Yes ? OK.
Thanks. - Bye.
Bye.
It didn't work, did it? - No.
That doesn't happen often, does it? - I warned her.
bastard !
Villa Tersago, Brasschaat. Wednesday, Nov. 16.
That was a milestone in the history of Belgian showbiz.
And this, dear Crimi fans,
because of the shooting of the first music video with clown Kaki.
And action!
In a small station early in the morning
seven carts were neatly lined up.
I see the little engineer turning the wheel.
Akke, akke, tuut, tuut. We are gone.
Ladies and gentlemen, apples and pears,
even the smallest clowns, where are those hands?
Clap hands, happy, happy, happy. On the evil bolleke both.
Hands in the air, hands at the sides.
On the evil bolleke both.
Good afternoon, everyone. I need to talk to you alone sometime.
OK. Half hour break. - Ten minutes is more than enough.
Wesley, damn it, are you going to stop filming now?
Ronny.
Your father, that's a sadist. - Jos.
A sadist and a coward.
He was five years old and he shot the dog in the eye.
With his air pistol. Our Dicky, poor dog.
And do you know what he did, your father?
He started to cry and he blamed his brother.
Our Ludo had done it, he said. Your uncle Ludo.
And how did you know it wasn't uncle Ludo, but our dad?
We really didn't need a detective for that.
Your uncle Ludo was ten months old.
Will stay over for dinner?
What is it ? - Veal fricassee.
Do you have any idea what I'm here for?
No.
I just came from the hospital.
That tube in Jay's mouth came loose. And wanna know what happened?
He can talk again. - Gosh...
He doesn't even stop talking.
And he sounds like Donald Duck.
But you understand every word he says.
And do you know what he is saying with that strange voice?
That you tried to kill him.
Five times !
No ? - Five ?
First you drove him over with the Cayenne.
Then you tried to shoot him.
But you missed. - No, it was...
What ? - It was with the alarm pistol.
Much better.
Then you started hitting him with a fire extinguisher.
And then fucking picked him up and threw him off the bridge.
That was it, right?
Yes. - No, it wasn't.
Then Wesley came haunting in his room at night.
And that tube he wanted to pull out of Jay's throat was stuck to his windpipe.
Fucked, huh!
He couldn't pull it out. The dumbass!
Did you tell him to do that?
Jos, I don't think you're quite right.
What ? - Jay was a rat.
A snitch.
You're surprised, huh?
That someone you introduced is texting messages to snitch us.
Is that right ?
And that's why you tried to kill him?
What else were we supposed to do?
Who was he texting with?
How can I know? - With me.
Goddamnit ! - Fuck.
And that's why you tried to kill him?
What else were we supposed to do?
Who was he texting with?
How can I know? - With me.
Goddamnit ! - Fuck.
"Fuck." sure. - Why did you do that?
Because I don't trust you anymore, Ronny.
Because you try to rip me off everytime.
Your mother is right. You guys can manage.
Your father is not learning, he is still slow.
When they arrested him together with that young girl, I lit a candle.
So they'd release him quickly ? - No, so they would keep him there.
Is there more ? - What did you think?
Why did that girl's mother retract her statement?
He paid her half a million euros.
Half a million?! - Yes.
Where did he get that? - Borrowed from Jos The Thief.
From the Jos? Your father will bleed for that.
He's already having trouble paying him back.
Good. Soon he will be missing a finger.
But you got lucky.
I was there when they disconnected him.
I said to the doctor: 'I can't understand him. He's talking gibberish.'
'Yes,' he says, 'his brain has been seriously affected.'
OK. - No, not OK!
Then Jay went crazy!
He started yelling that we're all gangsters and I'm the boss.
And then they gave him a shot to sleep.
I was in prison for fifteen years and if I'm a bit careful now,
I have fifteen years left to live.
I don't plan on doing that in prison.
Dude !
OK, Jos.
What should I do ? Say it.
I would try again. Sixth time is the charm.
How long does that syringe work? - What do you think?
That I asked them?
Well, I asked.
You still have half an hour.
And then he'll wake up and start to rattle like a Tibetan prayer wheel.
Like a what ?
God damn just go. Clown !
God damn it, Wesley.
Sixteen more minutes and he'll wake up. - Can they arrange it on time?
No.
What we do: we leave that small tube in there, but we turn off the machine.
Doesn't that sound an alarm? - We'll turn off that alarm too.
And you know how to do that? - I don't, no. There.
No problem, Ronny.
Why wasn't the Lou allowed to come along?
He wasn't there when it happened to Jay, on the bridge.
He knows nothing. - And we prefer to keep it that way.
The Lou likes the Jay.
Gentlemen... Pediatrics is the other block. Take the elevator back down.
Oh. OK.
Thank you. - Thanks.
Wes, you're not going in with that camera, are you?
Dad, this is just the best.
If you come in with me, I'll smash that camera.
What's the problem? - What ?
What's the problem? - Who says there's a problem?
OK... - Come on.
Goddamnit ! shit!!!
Oh dear. Issue's.
No, Jay, that's not official. Gerard, I think. Peters.
Mr. Peeters has been moved. - Moved?
To intensive. - Why ?
But he is not allowed to receive visitors. And certainly no clowns.
Why ?
Because his condition is critical.
Why is he in intensive care? - What do you mean?
What happened?!
A brain haemorrhage as a result of a contusion.
Goddamnit. Now that again. What is a Contusion?
That's when the brain is pressed against the skull wall,
in the event of a hard blow or a fall against a hard surface.
Did he fall out of his bed? - No no. From much higher.
How is that possible ? - It didn't happen in the hospital, dude.
Then where ?
Nobody knows. - OK.
Thanks, nurse.
Back to intensive? - Yes. A stroke.
Then let's hope he stays in it now.
It's possible that he makes it through, but he'll have to live as a plant.
Then you can come water him every day.
OK.
And if I also add your debts you owe to the bank,
how many years do you think you'll need to pay me back?
Five years.
Come on, Ronny.
One and a half million plus interest. You're not even getting close now.
It's starting to work, Jos.
I've just got a cool job from Wim Leblanc.
Leblanc ?
Our new booking agent.
Oh yes. That event agency.
Bouncy castles, clowns and naked women. I know him.
Do you do data destruction?
What's the budget ? - Three hundred thousand.
That's not an easy job, is it, mate. That's 'Mission Impossible'.
We'll be well prepared, aren't we, Jos.
What will that pay me?
150,000 euros.
If he pays.
Why wouldn't he pay?
Wim has a bad name.
He lures you in with something small,
pick up a container or scare someone or something.
And then you can do something big, but you'll never see the money afterwards.
Wim Leblanc ?
Have you ever worked for him ? - Ofcourse. A performance or ten.
Serious work?
No.
This month will be a great month, Jos. - I hope so.
I also have my expenses.
Doesn't seem that much. A bag of stale bread and you're happy.
Jarek!
Not to the kids!
That's moldy.
Villa Tersago, Brasschaat. Thursday, Nov. 17.
Hello, goodlooking visitors.
Forbidden to touch, that's a professional contact.
Watch what you say, or they will catch you for sexual harassment on the workplace.
No no. They are wanted intimacies.
Does she come from Dendermonde by bike? - She has been living in Brasschaat for years.
Here, she's afraid we're going to steal her bicycle.
You wouldn't dare, would you?
It's true. I've stolen uglier bikes before.
Good day! - Hey.
Hey babe.
And you don't still have a lover?
Hola, what's this?
Is that a Moroccan?
A Brazilian.
Oh. Pretty girl. What is her name ?
I'm Flower Da Silva, born in São Paulo, Brazil...
Come on, honey, is that necessary? - Come on, honey, go!
...on March 1, 1990.
I did classical dance. I am a fashion model and...
character dancer.
I am 1 meter 70 and I weigh 52 kilograms.
My sizes are 75B-63-85.
Is she still in school? - No.
That's a school picture. Don't you have a recent picture?
No.
And does she want children?
Hey, grandma, we're not thinking of that, yet.
No ?
Are you careful? - Yes.
Two condoms at the same time.
That you don't sail like your father. Oh dear.
He was twenty years old when he made you. the dumbass.
And your mom was seventeen. Made two kids with one child.
Good luck to me, huh. - Why ?
Otherwise I wouldn't have been here. - That's true.
I thought we were going to work?
Whatever you want.
Do you have what you want? - Me ?
I want you.
Do you sleep with the Patron's chick?
The Patron, that's no ordinary one, is it. - No, you.
Not, huh, Ronny. Not, huh.
But no !
You wouldn't dare, would you?
A small overview of what happened before.
Fuck off.
Good evening, gentlemen.
That's the official charge. We're just coming verify it.
What ?!
I would like to cooperate. But I don't like to snitch.
You're not going to blame me here, you damn bastard!
Softy. faggot. cuntbull. Stinky monkey. - Good. So you are arrested.
Ladies and gentlemen, highly honored audience...
as was to be expected and foreseen:
the Patron and the police, that doesn't really click.
Now the Patron does not receive his 50 euros, does not pass start,
but goes straight to jail.
Poor Patron.
Feeling bad, Mr Franssen?
He has a problem. He's not feeling well.
Mr Franssen, do you have a problem?
What ? Say it again.
He wants you.
I'm fucking missing his ear.
Wow, such a valuable piece.
Good afternoon...
wesley.
Hi, Lou.
Have you had breakfast yet? - It's been a while, honey.
Oh. - But take whatever.
I have charcuterie in the fridge and defrosted some fresh bread.
OK.
Did she stay over tonight or?
Ronny ?
Huh?
Here ! His ear.
Just a little bit back. More, just a little bit more.
Squat a bit.
Very well.
Dork ! My mascara.
Joining us today at the Crimi Clowns Glamor Club: Katia Mermowitz.
Rising star in the Flemish media firmament.
Part One.
Hello, Katia. - Hi, Wesley.
My lens has shifted again.
Can you see it ?
What is your biggest dream?
Don't you know that already?
But the viewers may not.
I thought this movie stayed between us.
Man, man, man ...
Yes, okay. And for how long ?
No. OK. Bye.
He broke an inspector's nose.
Strangled a female inspector, they had to resuscitate her.
What the hell is he doing?
Yes. He'll be staying there for a while.
I'm going to have to close the Wooden Spoon for a while anyway.
I really don't know anymore.
Maybe you should hang a notice on the door.
'Closed due to circumstances'.
Yes.
I'll call the police in an hour or two.
I still have very good contacts with those big guys. Right, Lou?
Sure. With the top. The highest peak. The ultra top.
Thanks, Lou.
I have the number of Paul Jacobs, who is higher than a commissioner.
Come on, baby. Go take a shower and I'll call Paul Jacobs later.
Good ? - Yes.
Sweet child, huh, Lou?
Here. The number of the Paul.
For ?
You were going to put in a good word for the Patron, weren't you?
Are you retarded or something?
Maybe I'm stupid, yes.
But you're not going to abuse that girl and then drop her like a brick!
Louke, she's gonna be a star.
Yes. I know that.
And 'Clap your hands' will be a top hit.
Brilliant song, Wesley. Really and truly.
Thanks, Lou.
When is she going to audition now?
That's already happened. - This morning ?
From eight to ten.
And why... ? - That you weren't there?
Yes. - Where were you?
I couldn't keep waiting, huh, Lou. - I knew nothing about it.
We've talked about it extensively.
You were going to be here at eight instead of ten.
No. - Wes?
Absolutely. - Goddamnit !
That damn memory, huh.
And how did she do?
She really can't sing, dude.
Damn. - But we'll hire her anyway.
Seriously ? - Yes, Lou, really.
There is no hornier clown lady. And no embarrassment at all.
You just ask 'show your boobs' and she just undresses.
OK.
And how are we going to do that with the song?
A studio singer. 250 euros and we're done.
OK.
Poor her.
Two days later.
Silence before recording ! Clap your hands.
Tape running. Take 1.
And... Action!
Parrot is sick and he must die.
Make applesauce from preserves.
In a small station early in the morning
seven carts were neatly lined up. Hands in the air, hands at the sides.
On the evil bolleke both.
That was 150, wasn't it?
250.
Yes? - Yes.
And if I pay in black?
That's in black.
Yes?
We agreed on that, right? - Yes ? OK.
Thanks. - Bye.
Bye.
It didn't work, did it? - No.
That doesn't happen often, does it? - I warned her.
bastard !
Villa Tersago, Brasschaat. Wednesday, Nov. 16.
That was a milestone in the history of Belgian showbiz.
And this, dear Crimi fans,
because of the shooting of the first music video with clown Kaki.
And action!
In a small station early in the morning
seven carts were neatly lined up.
I see the little engineer turning the wheel.
Akke, akke, tuut, tuut. We are gone.
Ladies and gentlemen, apples and pears,
even the smallest clowns, where are those hands?
Clap hands, happy, happy, happy. On the evil bolleke both.
Hands in the air, hands at the sides.
On the evil bolleke both.
Good afternoon, everyone. I need to talk to you alone sometime.
OK. Half hour break. - Ten minutes is more than enough.
Wesley, damn it, are you going to stop filming now?
Ronny.
Your father, that's a sadist. - Jos.
A sadist and a coward.
He was five years old and he shot the dog in the eye.
With his air pistol. Our Dicky, poor dog.
And do you know what he did, your father?
He started to cry and he blamed his brother.
Our Ludo had done it, he said. Your uncle Ludo.
And how did you know it wasn't uncle Ludo, but our dad?
We really didn't need a detective for that.
Your uncle Ludo was ten months old.
Will stay over for dinner?
What is it ? - Veal fricassee.
Do you have any idea what I'm here for?
No.
I just came from the hospital.
That tube in Jay's mouth came loose. And wanna know what happened?
He can talk again. - Gosh...
He doesn't even stop talking.
And he sounds like Donald Duck.
But you understand every word he says.
And do you know what he is saying with that strange voice?
That you tried to kill him.
Five times !
No ? - Five ?
First you drove him over with the Cayenne.
Then you tried to shoot him.
But you missed. - No, it was...
What ? - It was with the alarm pistol.
Much better.
Then you started hitting him with a fire extinguisher.
And then fucking picked him up and threw him off the bridge.
That was it, right?
Yes. - No, it wasn't.
Then Wesley came haunting in his room at night.
And that tube he wanted to pull out of Jay's throat was stuck to his windpipe.
Fucked, huh!
He couldn't pull it out. The dumbass!
Did you tell him to do that?
Jos, I don't think you're quite right.
What ? - Jay was a rat.
A snitch.
You're surprised, huh?
That someone you introduced is texting messages to snitch us.
Is that right ?
And that's why you tried to kill him?
What else were we supposed to do?
Who was he texting with?
How can I know? - With me.
Goddamnit ! - Fuck.
And that's why you tried to kill him?
What else were we supposed to do?
Who was he texting with?
How can I know? - With me.
Goddamnit ! - Fuck.
"Fuck." sure. - Why did you do that?
Because I don't trust you anymore, Ronny.
Because you try to rip me off everytime.
Your mother is right. You guys can manage.
Your father is not learning, he is still slow.
When they arrested him together with that young girl, I lit a candle.
So they'd release him quickly ? - No, so they would keep him there.
Is there more ? - What did you think?
Why did that girl's mother retract her statement?
He paid her half a million euros.
Half a million?! - Yes.
Where did he get that? - Borrowed from Jos The Thief.
From the Jos? Your father will bleed for that.
He's already having trouble paying him back.
Good. Soon he will be missing a finger.
But you got lucky.
I was there when they disconnected him.
I said to the doctor: 'I can't understand him. He's talking gibberish.'
'Yes,' he says, 'his brain has been seriously affected.'
OK. - No, not OK!
Then Jay went crazy!
He started yelling that we're all gangsters and I'm the boss.
And then they gave him a shot to sleep.
I was in prison for fifteen years and if I'm a bit careful now,
I have fifteen years left to live.
I don't plan on doing that in prison.
Dude !
OK, Jos.
What should I do ? Say it.
I would try again. Sixth time is the charm.
How long does that syringe work? - What do you think?
That I asked them?
Well, I asked.
You still have half an hour.
And then he'll wake up and start to rattle like a Tibetan prayer wheel.
Like a what ?
God damn just go. Clown !
God damn it, Wesley.
Sixteen more minutes and he'll wake up. - Can they arrange it on time?
No.
What we do: we leave that small tube in there, but we turn off the machine.
Doesn't that sound an alarm? - We'll turn off that alarm too.
And you know how to do that? - I don't, no. There.
No problem, Ronny.
Why wasn't the Lou allowed to come along?
He wasn't there when it happened to Jay, on the bridge.
He knows nothing. - And we prefer to keep it that way.
The Lou likes the Jay.
Gentlemen... Pediatrics is the other block. Take the elevator back down.
Oh. OK.
Thank you. - Thanks.
Wes, you're not going in with that camera, are you?
Dad, this is just the best.
If you come in with me, I'll smash that camera.
What's the problem? - What ?
What's the problem? - Who says there's a problem?
OK... - Come on.
Goddamnit ! shit!!!
Oh dear. Issue's.
No, Jay, that's not official. Gerard, I think. Peters.
Mr. Peeters has been moved. - Moved?
To intensive. - Why ?
But he is not allowed to receive visitors. And certainly no clowns.
Why ?
Because his condition is critical.
Why is he in intensive care? - What do you mean?
What happened?!
A brain haemorrhage as a result of a contusion.
Goddamnit. Now that again. What is a Contusion?
That's when the brain is pressed against the skull wall,
in the event of a hard blow or a fall against a hard surface.
Did he fall out of his bed? - No no. From much higher.
How is that possible ? - It didn't happen in the hospital, dude.
Then where ?
Nobody knows. - OK.
Thanks, nurse.
Back to intensive? - Yes. A stroke.
Then let's hope he stays in it now.
It's possible that he makes it through, but he'll have to live as a plant.
Then you can come water him every day.
OK.
And if I also add your debts you owe to the bank,
how many years do you think you'll need to pay me back?
Five years.
Come on, Ronny.
One and a half million plus interest. You're not even getting close now.
It's starting to work, Jos.
I've just got a cool job from Wim Leblanc.
Leblanc ?
Our new booking agent.
Oh yes. That event agency.
Bouncy castles, clowns and naked women. I know him.
Do you do data destruction?
What's the budget ? - Three hundred thousand.
That's not an easy job, is it, mate. That's 'Mission Impossible'.
We'll be well prepared, aren't we, Jos.
What will that pay me?
150,000 euros.
If he pays.
Why wouldn't he pay?
Wim has a bad name.
He lures you in with something small,
pick up a container or scare someone or something.
And then you can do something big, but you'll never see the money afterwards.
Wim Leblanc ?
Have you ever worked for him ? - Ofcourse. A performance or ten.
Serious work?
No.
This month will be a great month, Jos. - I hope so.
I also have my expenses.
Doesn't seem that much. A bag of stale bread and you're happy.
Jarek!
Not to the kids!
That's moldy.
Villa Tersago, Brasschaat. Thursday, Nov. 17.
Hello, goodlooking visitors.
Forbidden to touch, that's a professional contact.
Watch what you say, or they will catch you for sexual harassment on the workplace.
No no. They are wanted intimacies.
Does she come from Dendermonde by bike? - She has been living in Brasschaat for years.
Here, she's afraid we're going to steal her bicycle.
You wouldn't dare, would you?
It's true. I've stolen uglier bikes before.
Good day! - Hey.
Hey babe.
And you don't still have a lover?
Hola, what's this?
Is that a Moroccan?
A Brazilian.
Oh. Pretty girl. What is her name ?
I'm Flower Da Silva, born in São Paulo, Brazil...
Come on, honey, is that necessary? - Come on, honey, go!
...on March 1, 1990.
I did classical dance. I am a fashion model and...
character dancer.
I am 1 meter 70 and I weigh 52 kilograms.
My sizes are 75B-63-85.
Is she still in school? - No.
That's a school picture. Don't you have a recent picture?
No.
And does she want children?
Hey, grandma, we're not thinking of that, yet.
No ?
Are you careful? - Yes.
Two condoms at the same time.
That you don't sail like your father. Oh dear.
He was twenty years old when he made you. the dumbass.
And your mom was seventeen. Made two kids with one child.
Good luck to me, huh. - Why ?
Otherwise I wouldn't have been here. - That's true.
I thought we were going to work?
Whatever you want.
Do you have what you want? - Me ?
I want you.
Do you sleep with the Patron's chick?
The Patron, that's no ordinary one, is it. - No, you.
Not, huh, Ronny. Not, huh.
But no !
You wouldn't dare, would you?