Crimi Clowns (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - De Nieuwe Kate Winslet - full transcript
The abused Moroccans called the police, but after lots of lies from both Tersagos, the innocent ex-con restaurant owner, who refused to serve them on credit anymore, is falsely arrested. That opens the way for the fiends to cast his half-Polish nymphomaniac wife, after a 'bed audition', for their clowns show or rather for a musical recording, which Wesley bases on nursery rhymes. Test-child Lou, who remains hostile to act recruit Mike, digs it. Wesley sneaks into hospital masked, to attack potential witness Jay.
And today, dear Crimi Clownies...
And today, dear Crimi Clownies...
we highlight the heartbreaking rivalry
of three adult men with a red nose.
Without making a value judgment, we can say that clowns are artists.
And artists are by definition vain.
Their place on the stage that they have conquered with blood sweat and tears...
which they don't like to give up.
For 20 years, clown Norry and Papalou shared joys and sorrows with each other.
And suddenly there was...
The Mike from Arendonk.
The Mike from Arendonk.
I have a problem with that smurf.
That little one is a bomb on the scene, Lou. - I don't want to work with him.
What have I done wrong to him? - Fucking play him off the scene.
Mini Mike !
Hello !
Heya
Mini Mike !
Mini Mike ! Mini Mike !
Thats was amazing, wasn't it, Mike? - Yes !
Do you know how I can tell?
By Lou's expression.
Just watch.
Superclown Mini Mike wasn't just a star on stage.
Behind the scenes...
he overwhelmed his company like the Houdini with the paperclip.
For which no padlock in the world was safe.
Come on, dude!
And fourteen.
What is it, Louke? Stomach pain?
Yes?
Hello, guys ?
Yes ? - It's the Wim.
Wim ?
Yes, the Wim. Wim Leblanc of Mont Blanc.
From ? - The event agency. Hello ! The Wim!
Wim ? Oh ! Wim Leblanc. Just a moment, Wim, just a moment.
Guys, where's the key?
Wim, I'm sorry. Since we're here with a naked dwarf, I'd rather close that off.
The kids could be in for a shock, huh...
This is my new assistant, Ingrid. - Nice to meet you.
Hello. - Hey.
The Mike. The Lou.
It was very good, guys. Really and truly. - Thanks.
They are really happy this time, they even booked us again.
Yes !
Good, huh, Lou?
You'll never understand where they keep getting more of that huh?
That's a craft on its own, isn't it, being funny. - Yes, that's true.
You'll be back here when it is Pentecost. And also in Herentals and Mechelen.
Turnhout unfortunately burned down. - Burnt down... Oh.
Here you go, a thousand.
OK. Now we can afford bread again.
Do we know anything about the balance?...
from Turnhout ? Is that gonna be paid? - Yes.
Ingridje, can you get us some flyers out of the car?
Sure. - Three packs of five hundred.
Louke, will you help Ingridje? All of it can go to your car.
That's nice stuff, isn't it, Wim?
Can't even properly type an email, but oh well.
But a slut?
She'll suck the bedsheet up your asshole, dude. - OK!
And might have a chance. She likes ugly guys.
All right, Ronny. Turnhout. Just a short cut.
I just saw that that is a camera. He's not filming right now, is he?
No no. A few photos for the website. - No, Ronny, nothing.
Wesley... - What?
Our fire in Turnhout. The insurance has paid. This is what I still owe you.
OK ! - Fifteen thousand, count it if you want.
Do they believe it was a short circuit?
They are still doubting.
The expert think someone lit it on fire. But he can't prove anything.
Those dumbasses of the fire brigade sprayed everything down that survived
Is it correct ?
Twenty-nine, thirty. Correct, dude. thanks.
Then I have something else, but something much, much bigger.
Do you do data destruction?
If it's not at the police or from a bank.
An insurance company. - Absolutely. With pleasure even.
That's the little man against organized crime.
But I can't do that alone. What is the budget ?
Three hundred thousand.
Three hundred thousand. That's OK. deal.
Mike !
Please, Mr. Tersago. - It's Ronny, honey.
Ronny... There has to be a dot between Ingrid and Maes.
I did it with pen now but, I don't know if it's clear enough.
We'll manage, baby.
wesley.
Do you also do modelling work? - Yes.
Bikini, lingerie, nude ?
All of it. - OK. That's good to know.
Ronny.
Wim.
Ronny.
wesley.
Mike ! The bus is leaving!
The Mike is popular, isn't he, Wim.
That midget, that's quite an asset, isn't it. - Thanks. But it's a dwarf.
What is the difference ?
Midgets look like us, but smaller.
Ingrid is a connoisseur.
Anyway, he does his job well, that leprechaun. See ya.
Lou ?
Come on, Lou! Come on, dude...
What have I done now?
Well played, damn it. come.
Here, our bombshell. Bye, sweetheart.
Two white Martinis with ice.
Sorry, Ronny, you are no longer allowed to order on the Patron's costs.
Oh dear. If we can't get sponsored anymore, we'll pay, darling.
Yes ? Shall I get the menu?
No no. A steak tartare and some chicken with fries, huh, Wes?
Yep. - And a bottle of red wine, bottle of fizzy water?
Just hold on.
Yes.
Sorry, huh, Ronny.
That's no problem.
OK.
God damn bastard!
It's all getting a little too much for me, Wes.
What do you think? Can we do something with that girl?
'We' as in, you want to? - No seriously.
Record a cd, huh. - She can't sing.
Nobody needs to know that.
You let a studio singer sing and Katia just playbacks it.
Like Milli Vanilli.
But what is it? Why do you suddenly want to work with her now?
To piss off the Patron.
In that case, okay. I thought you were falling in love.
That too.
Owow.
That's not a disease, Wesley, if you can't keep it in your pants.
The apple never falls far from the tree, Weske.
Your dad has the same sickness your granddad used to have.
He's not a pedophile. He never lifted a finger at a child.
Do you remember grandpa back in the time of the gymnasticscircle?
No.
No.
You were still too young then, huh?
Everyone thought he was such a sweetheart. He did everything for the gymnastics circle.
He spent all his free time there.
And I saw no harm in that. Ofcourse not.
Until one day, while cleaning up the garden house,
I found a suitcase.
Photos of gymnasts.
Thirteen, fourteen years.
All naked.
Nylon stockings. Panties.
I emptied that suitcase right in front of him, on the table.
He didn't even look up from reading his newspaper.
And you know what he said?
"What's that?"
And he insisted that it wasn't his.
That's trying to pick a fight with the holy spirit, Weske.
Come on, Wes. - Yes.
See.
That's about yesterday.
fuck ! You're kidding!
If there's one thing the Tersagos hate,
It's big mouthed losers!
Fuck off.
Ronny !
What ?
That's the official charge. We're coming to check that.
Go! Go! Go...
Shall I tell you who did that?
That camera isn't coming in here.
I won't leave it. Do you know how expensive that is?
If I hear one click, I'll take it, ok?
OK.
Right. Tell me. What happened last night at half past one?
Well, I wasn't there myself. But I think that...
What ? You weren't there?
No. When I got here, they had already put him inside.
But I think it was my father.
Your father ? - Yes. That's a really aggressive fool.
Those guys have some god damn nerve
They attack us, we defend ourselves. One falls face first to the ground.
And then they get the police involved.
That I would have continued to hit Mr El Amrami with a wooden spoon?
Did my son say that?
No no. Mr Ben Sala has stated that.
Then Mr Ben Sala did not see that correctly.
No ? - No.
Where was Mr. Ben Sala when that happened to Mr. El Dinge?
You tell me. - In the car to Borgerokko...
Because when Mr. El Dinge hit the ground,
they were shitting their pants in their friend's BMW, on their way to their mommies.
A friend's BMW, you say?
Yes. Haven't you noticed that they never drive their own car,
but always their friend's?
Yes, Mr. Tersago, right... and that associate of yours who was there...
Thee Lou...
The Lou is a former professional boxer.
If he hits someone, it's attempted murder. Lou would never do that.
Not even with a 5 kilo heavy, wooden spoon?
Not with anything. The Lou doesn't hit, ever.
That's an old hippie. Love and peace.
And surely you can't tell me who did it?
I did not say that. I just said
that I didn't do it and the Lou didn't do it.
And then who did?
You are the police.
Mr. Tersago, if you won't cooperate...
I didn't say that, I'd like to cooperate.
But I don't like to snitch.
That is not true. - No ?
That's not true at all. I actually got half a year for that,
but this guy I tackled, fucked 12 year old boys.
Agreed. But apparently that's not the reason why you attacked him.
No. - Then why did I?
Does that matter?
Because he spilled tomato sauce on your pants?
Peanut Sauce.
And that's enough for you to punch someone in the hospital?
And if a few Moroccans harass some customers, is that reason enough?
You're not going to put anything in my shoes here, you damn bastard!
Excuse me!? You know what happens right? Insulting a serving officer?
Yes. Sucker. Faggot. Cuntbull. Stinky monkey. Should I continue?
Good. You are arrested.
fuck ! They left with my transmitting microphone.
What was that ? - My radio microphone is still in the policecar.
How much does that cost ?
I don't know. It was from school.
Come on, it makes no sense.
The Patron has nothing to do with all that crap anyway.
He couldn't keep his mouth shut again against the police.
Every time he sees a uniform, he goes crazy.
I know. Like a bull seeing a red cloth.
And he was already on parole. He had to keep calm for just one more week.
Just one week. Do you understand? That's ridiculous. I...
shhhh. Calm down.
Wes and I, we're going to take care of you. Right, Wes?
We owe that to a good friend like the Patron. OK ?
And you know what the good news is?
Tomorrow morning you'll do audition.
That's what you wanted, right?
Are you up for it? - Yes...
You will be the new Kate Winslet, you know that, right?
OK ! are you going for it?
Yes.
Here, this will make you feel better.
No thanks. I don't drink liquor. Goes straight to my head.
Don't worry about that. We're going to take care of you, aren't we, Wes?
Yep.
Here you go...
Oh dear. But, baby.
But, calm down.
Dad, remember we have to see an old friend later.
See an old friend?
We can do it tomorrow too if you want.
While little Don is drunk and lovingly caring for young talent,
his youngest consigliere decides to surprise him.
And to visit that old friend alone.
Villa Tersago, Brasschaat.
Thursday morning, half past eight,
and my father is already brimming with energy.
Wanted: Ambitious and flirty clown girl.
And... Action!
Action !
My name is Katia Mermowitz.
My daddy is a Polish man, my mom is from Amsterdam.
For the money...
Little Don is auditioning.
Good morning.
Good morning, father.
Seems like it was a good audition.
That girl CAN do something.
Singing and stuff, exactly, huh?
Slightly out of tune, but a strong voice.
It's been a long time since I've seen your eyes twinkle.
coffee ? - Yes.
Clap your hands? - Yes.
Clap your hands, happy, happy, happy
Up on this demon’s little round bread, yes.
No, Wes, I won't do that.
Come on dude, all children know that song. That's a fucking traditional one.
Yes, from before the war. We're not the Damrakkertjes, are we?
OK, listen.
Clap your hands happy, happy, happy. this demon’s little round bread,
Hands in the air, hands on the side. this demon’s little round bread, them both
In a small station early in the morning, seven wagons stood...
Parrot is sick and he... No, Wes. - Yes, man!
That's really cheap, isn't it, dude. - But do you want art or do you want a hit?
Record it and we'll let a child hear it.
Yes. That is good.
Sick, dude. Good good.
Hands happy, happy, happy... in a row.
Our jay... for our jay.
For our daddy... dearest parrot.
Was it good ?
Fantastic.
You are the most beautiful girl in the world.
Come on, honey. Rush to the bathroom.
And today, dear Crimi Clownies...
we highlight the heartbreaking rivalry
of three adult men with a red nose.
Without making a value judgment, we can say that clowns are artists.
And artists are by definition vain.
Their place on the stage that they have conquered with blood sweat and tears...
which they don't like to give up.
For 20 years, clown Norry and Papalou shared joys and sorrows with each other.
And suddenly there was...
The Mike from Arendonk.
The Mike from Arendonk.
I have a problem with that smurf.
That little one is a bomb on the scene, Lou. - I don't want to work with him.
What have I done wrong to him? - Fucking play him off the scene.
Mini Mike !
Hello !
Heya
Mini Mike !
Mini Mike ! Mini Mike !
Thats was amazing, wasn't it, Mike? - Yes !
Do you know how I can tell?
By Lou's expression.
Just watch.
Superclown Mini Mike wasn't just a star on stage.
Behind the scenes...
he overwhelmed his company like the Houdini with the paperclip.
For which no padlock in the world was safe.
Come on, dude!
And fourteen.
What is it, Louke? Stomach pain?
Yes?
Hello, guys ?
Yes ? - It's the Wim.
Wim ?
Yes, the Wim. Wim Leblanc of Mont Blanc.
From ? - The event agency. Hello ! The Wim!
Wim ? Oh ! Wim Leblanc. Just a moment, Wim, just a moment.
Guys, where's the key?
Wim, I'm sorry. Since we're here with a naked dwarf, I'd rather close that off.
The kids could be in for a shock, huh...
This is my new assistant, Ingrid. - Nice to meet you.
Hello. - Hey.
The Mike. The Lou.
It was very good, guys. Really and truly. - Thanks.
They are really happy this time, they even booked us again.
Yes !
Good, huh, Lou?
You'll never understand where they keep getting more of that huh?
That's a craft on its own, isn't it, being funny. - Yes, that's true.
You'll be back here when it is Pentecost. And also in Herentals and Mechelen.
Turnhout unfortunately burned down. - Burnt down... Oh.
Here you go, a thousand.
OK. Now we can afford bread again.
Do we know anything about the balance?...
from Turnhout ? Is that gonna be paid? - Yes.
Ingridje, can you get us some flyers out of the car?
Sure. - Three packs of five hundred.
Louke, will you help Ingridje? All of it can go to your car.
That's nice stuff, isn't it, Wim?
Can't even properly type an email, but oh well.
But a slut?
She'll suck the bedsheet up your asshole, dude. - OK!
And might have a chance. She likes ugly guys.
All right, Ronny. Turnhout. Just a short cut.
I just saw that that is a camera. He's not filming right now, is he?
No no. A few photos for the website. - No, Ronny, nothing.
Wesley... - What?
Our fire in Turnhout. The insurance has paid. This is what I still owe you.
OK ! - Fifteen thousand, count it if you want.
Do they believe it was a short circuit?
They are still doubting.
The expert think someone lit it on fire. But he can't prove anything.
Those dumbasses of the fire brigade sprayed everything down that survived
Is it correct ?
Twenty-nine, thirty. Correct, dude. thanks.
Then I have something else, but something much, much bigger.
Do you do data destruction?
If it's not at the police or from a bank.
An insurance company. - Absolutely. With pleasure even.
That's the little man against organized crime.
But I can't do that alone. What is the budget ?
Three hundred thousand.
Three hundred thousand. That's OK. deal.
Mike !
Please, Mr. Tersago. - It's Ronny, honey.
Ronny... There has to be a dot between Ingrid and Maes.
I did it with pen now but, I don't know if it's clear enough.
We'll manage, baby.
wesley.
Do you also do modelling work? - Yes.
Bikini, lingerie, nude ?
All of it. - OK. That's good to know.
Ronny.
Wim.
Ronny.
wesley.
Mike ! The bus is leaving!
The Mike is popular, isn't he, Wim.
That midget, that's quite an asset, isn't it. - Thanks. But it's a dwarf.
What is the difference ?
Midgets look like us, but smaller.
Ingrid is a connoisseur.
Anyway, he does his job well, that leprechaun. See ya.
Lou ?
Come on, Lou! Come on, dude...
What have I done now?
Well played, damn it. come.
Here, our bombshell. Bye, sweetheart.
Two white Martinis with ice.
Sorry, Ronny, you are no longer allowed to order on the Patron's costs.
Oh dear. If we can't get sponsored anymore, we'll pay, darling.
Yes ? Shall I get the menu?
No no. A steak tartare and some chicken with fries, huh, Wes?
Yep. - And a bottle of red wine, bottle of fizzy water?
Just hold on.
Yes.
Sorry, huh, Ronny.
That's no problem.
OK.
God damn bastard!
It's all getting a little too much for me, Wes.
What do you think? Can we do something with that girl?
'We' as in, you want to? - No seriously.
Record a cd, huh. - She can't sing.
Nobody needs to know that.
You let a studio singer sing and Katia just playbacks it.
Like Milli Vanilli.
But what is it? Why do you suddenly want to work with her now?
To piss off the Patron.
In that case, okay. I thought you were falling in love.
That too.
Owow.
That's not a disease, Wesley, if you can't keep it in your pants.
The apple never falls far from the tree, Weske.
Your dad has the same sickness your granddad used to have.
He's not a pedophile. He never lifted a finger at a child.
Do you remember grandpa back in the time of the gymnasticscircle?
No.
No.
You were still too young then, huh?
Everyone thought he was such a sweetheart. He did everything for the gymnastics circle.
He spent all his free time there.
And I saw no harm in that. Ofcourse not.
Until one day, while cleaning up the garden house,
I found a suitcase.
Photos of gymnasts.
Thirteen, fourteen years.
All naked.
Nylon stockings. Panties.
I emptied that suitcase right in front of him, on the table.
He didn't even look up from reading his newspaper.
And you know what he said?
"What's that?"
And he insisted that it wasn't his.
That's trying to pick a fight with the holy spirit, Weske.
Come on, Wes. - Yes.
See.
That's about yesterday.
fuck ! You're kidding!
If there's one thing the Tersagos hate,
It's big mouthed losers!
Fuck off.
Ronny !
What ?
That's the official charge. We're coming to check that.
Go! Go! Go...
Shall I tell you who did that?
That camera isn't coming in here.
I won't leave it. Do you know how expensive that is?
If I hear one click, I'll take it, ok?
OK.
Right. Tell me. What happened last night at half past one?
Well, I wasn't there myself. But I think that...
What ? You weren't there?
No. When I got here, they had already put him inside.
But I think it was my father.
Your father ? - Yes. That's a really aggressive fool.
Those guys have some god damn nerve
They attack us, we defend ourselves. One falls face first to the ground.
And then they get the police involved.
That I would have continued to hit Mr El Amrami with a wooden spoon?
Did my son say that?
No no. Mr Ben Sala has stated that.
Then Mr Ben Sala did not see that correctly.
No ? - No.
Where was Mr. Ben Sala when that happened to Mr. El Dinge?
You tell me. - In the car to Borgerokko...
Because when Mr. El Dinge hit the ground,
they were shitting their pants in their friend's BMW, on their way to their mommies.
A friend's BMW, you say?
Yes. Haven't you noticed that they never drive their own car,
but always their friend's?
Yes, Mr. Tersago, right... and that associate of yours who was there...
Thee Lou...
The Lou is a former professional boxer.
If he hits someone, it's attempted murder. Lou would never do that.
Not even with a 5 kilo heavy, wooden spoon?
Not with anything. The Lou doesn't hit, ever.
That's an old hippie. Love and peace.
And surely you can't tell me who did it?
I did not say that. I just said
that I didn't do it and the Lou didn't do it.
And then who did?
You are the police.
Mr. Tersago, if you won't cooperate...
I didn't say that, I'd like to cooperate.
But I don't like to snitch.
That is not true. - No ?
That's not true at all. I actually got half a year for that,
but this guy I tackled, fucked 12 year old boys.
Agreed. But apparently that's not the reason why you attacked him.
No. - Then why did I?
Does that matter?
Because he spilled tomato sauce on your pants?
Peanut Sauce.
And that's enough for you to punch someone in the hospital?
And if a few Moroccans harass some customers, is that reason enough?
You're not going to put anything in my shoes here, you damn bastard!
Excuse me!? You know what happens right? Insulting a serving officer?
Yes. Sucker. Faggot. Cuntbull. Stinky monkey. Should I continue?
Good. You are arrested.
fuck ! They left with my transmitting microphone.
What was that ? - My radio microphone is still in the policecar.
How much does that cost ?
I don't know. It was from school.
Come on, it makes no sense.
The Patron has nothing to do with all that crap anyway.
He couldn't keep his mouth shut again against the police.
Every time he sees a uniform, he goes crazy.
I know. Like a bull seeing a red cloth.
And he was already on parole. He had to keep calm for just one more week.
Just one week. Do you understand? That's ridiculous. I...
shhhh. Calm down.
Wes and I, we're going to take care of you. Right, Wes?
We owe that to a good friend like the Patron. OK ?
And you know what the good news is?
Tomorrow morning you'll do audition.
That's what you wanted, right?
Are you up for it? - Yes...
You will be the new Kate Winslet, you know that, right?
OK ! are you going for it?
Yes.
Here, this will make you feel better.
No thanks. I don't drink liquor. Goes straight to my head.
Don't worry about that. We're going to take care of you, aren't we, Wes?
Yep.
Here you go...
Oh dear. But, baby.
But, calm down.
Dad, remember we have to see an old friend later.
See an old friend?
We can do it tomorrow too if you want.
While little Don is drunk and lovingly caring for young talent,
his youngest consigliere decides to surprise him.
And to visit that old friend alone.
Villa Tersago, Brasschaat.
Thursday morning, half past eight,
and my father is already brimming with energy.
Wanted: Ambitious and flirty clown girl.
And... Action!
Action !
My name is Katia Mermowitz.
My daddy is a Polish man, my mom is from Amsterdam.
For the money...
Little Don is auditioning.
Good morning.
Good morning, father.
Seems like it was a good audition.
That girl CAN do something.
Singing and stuff, exactly, huh?
Slightly out of tune, but a strong voice.
It's been a long time since I've seen your eyes twinkle.
coffee ? - Yes.
Clap your hands? - Yes.
Clap your hands, happy, happy, happy
Up on this demon’s little round bread, yes.
No, Wes, I won't do that.
Come on dude, all children know that song. That's a fucking traditional one.
Yes, from before the war. We're not the Damrakkertjes, are we?
OK, listen.
Clap your hands happy, happy, happy. this demon’s little round bread,
Hands in the air, hands on the side. this demon’s little round bread, them both
In a small station early in the morning, seven wagons stood...
Parrot is sick and he... No, Wes. - Yes, man!
That's really cheap, isn't it, dude. - But do you want art or do you want a hit?
Record it and we'll let a child hear it.
Yes. That is good.
Sick, dude. Good good.
Hands happy, happy, happy... in a row.
Our jay... for our jay.
For our daddy... dearest parrot.
Was it good ?
Fantastic.
You are the most beautiful girl in the world.
Come on, honey. Rush to the bathroom.