Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Episode #3.7 - full transcript
Previously on Crazy
Ex-Girlfriend...
REBECCA: Oh, I'm so embarrassed
that I caused such a scene.
And I didn't, I didn't
even want to die.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
You don't want to
have a baby, do you?
No.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Are you sure you don't
need to go be at home?
What about your kids?
PAULA: I am where I should be.
Which is...
right by your side.
DR. SHIN: It is my opinion
that you exhibit many of the
characteristics of borderline
personality disorder.
I'm here for you.
That really means a lot.
(sighs happily) Hey, Heather.
(door closes) What up,
what up, what up, what up?
You're in a good mood.
Yeah.
Wow.
Someone did some shopping.
Yes, I'm very excited.
Can't believe your doctor
gave you so much homework.
Oh, no, you know, he only
assigned me one of those books,
but I just figured, if
filling out one book is good,
filling out all of them
must be even better.
You're such an A student.
God, I miss being a student.
Is there something you can
fill out when you used to be a
student, but now
you're not a student?
I think it's called
a job application.
Oh.
Ah.
Mm, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh-- let's see.
"Exercise One: Scan your body
for any signs of distress."
(robot voice):
Initiating body scan.
Oh, these pants feel tight.
They are tight in the crotch.
These are terrible pants.
I should get rid of these pants.
Please don't take your
pants off in front of me,
I know you haven't
done laundry lately.
I'm actually wearing
your bikini bottoms.
You can keep 'em.
Thank you.
(Rebecca scat singing)
Did all the books.
Are you proud of me?
I don't know if you keep
stickers around, but if you do,
I prefer scratch-n-sniff, so...
Rebecca, I applaud
your work ethic,
but recovery is not about
assigning yourself homework and
doing it in record time.
So you're saying I set a record.
I know you want an A-plus, but
I need to challenge you to get a
different type of grade.
What's better than an A-plus?
A C-plus.
(gasps) I know by
doing this work,
you want to get better quickly,
but for someone like you,
the overachieving is
part of the issue.
You need to relax.
Relax?
Okay, is that what they
told you to do at Syracuse?
I'm sor-- I'm sorry, Syracuse
is a lovely school for
communications or something.
Hey, you need to
put the pencil down.
You have been in
a therapy bubble.
All right?
It is time to take steps
into the real world.
The real world?
No, no, I don't want that,
'cause what if I mess things up?
Then that's okay.
Go out there and make some
messes, have some adventures.
And stop being so
hard on yourself.
I mean, you're right.
I am hard on myself.
God, it's one of
my worst qualities.
God, I'm such a dumb,
loser, hard-on-myself bitch.
That.
Stop doing that.
(sighs) I just
don't want to fail.
You need to redefine failure.
As I did, when I only got
into my safety school.
(laughs): Oh, ho...
That's a beauty!
(giggles) Hey!
Look, I made special
pancakes with a sports theme.
Basketball, soccer ball,
baseball, golf ball.
Those are just circles, Mom.
Oh, wait till you hear
what happened this morning.
Okay, so Grandma calls and
she said she's got this church
retreat in Minnesota
that she has to go to,
and she wants me to
stay with Grampa.
(laughs) 'Cause he fell down
'cause he's old or-- cough,
cough-- alcoholic.
What is she thinking?
Like I would ever
go and do that.
You guys know how
much my dad annoys me.
Who's ready for an
egg-n-cheese sammy?
- I am.
- Me, too
SCOTT: (chuckles) So hungry.
You're going out to breakfast?
I mean, what are
you talking about?
While you were busy with
Rebecca, we got a new routine.
We do drive-through
for breakfast now.
BRENDAN: Yeah.
Let's get going. Starving.
- Mmm.
- Yeah, same.
(chuckles): Mm-hmm.
- So hungry.
- Craving those sandwiches.
-Hey, Scott,
TOMMY: Yeah, it's the best.
Look, I know I was AWOL
with Rebecca, but I'm back.
I'm here.
I am doing laundry, I
am flushing toilets,
I am helping with homework.
Okay, let's face it,
I am doing homework.
Yeah, but we don't know how
long this is gonna last.
You go through phases.
Before Rebecca, there
were those vampire novels.
Sudoku, and then there was the
obsession with Amal Clooney's outfits.
She is a style icon
and a barrister.
There's always something you're
obsessed with and, uh, eh,
it's kind of never us.
We're like a, I don't
know, a chore or something.
You're not a chore.
This is my life and
I have accepted it.
My life is chores and working
and studying and never having
enough time to finish the last
season of Outlander, it's fine.
I wasn't trying to
start something.
You do your best.
But it always feels like there's
some part of you that's not
really here.
Why is that?
Hmm. Don't know.
I'm in just such a transitional
time right now, you know?
Tell me about it.
My voice is cracking, hair
is appearing in very strange
places, and my armpits are
starting to smell like...
like armpits.
But I'm supposed
to be past that.
I'm a big boy.
What's the word for that?
Man.
Yeah.
Man, what is the word for that?
Josh, I couldn't help but
overhear as I was trying to
overhear.
You're looking for a job, huh?
(scoffs) I really need a job.
I'm on indefinite suspension
from Aloha so I'm broke.
We've been looking
for a bartender.
You interested?
Bartending?
Huh.
I thought it was kind of
lame when Greg did it,
but I bet I could make it cool.
I am really coordinated because
of my martial arts and my magic.
I bet I could pick up some dope
Cocktail tricks pretty fast.
We mostly serve beer, so we
don't need anything fancy.
Thanks for not cheering
too loud at my game today.
I know it was hard.
Yeah, I tried to reign it in,
but it is hard because Madison
is rad-ison. (chuckles)
I'll excuse it
because you're going through a
tough time.
I mean, you just broke
up with your boyfriend.
You did break up
with him, right?
(clears throat) What?
Come on!
You want to have a baby.
He doesn't.
I know, but it's so hard.
I still care about him.
I love him.
You got to rip off the Band-Aid.
That's how I broke
up with Jimmy.
Here he is.
Do it.
Joshua!
My dad has something
to tell you.
Oh, yeah?
Um...
What's up?
(sighs) Um...
Madison won her game.
WHITE JOSH: Oh, nice, Madison.
Way to go.
So, you're really thinking
about going back to Buffalo?
Nobody appreciates me
at my house right now.
I mean, I might as well.
Scott has been so pissy lately.
Oh, sometimes I wish I could
just touch a stone wall and go
back to 1743 to be with my other
husband, the Scottish warrior,
and you don't watch
Outlander, do you?
Mm, sorry.
Like, none of this
makes any sense to you.
(inhales sharply) Okay.
Anyway, Paula, are you sure you
want to go back and hang out
with your dad?
I mean, you hate him; he
makes you feel horrible about
yourself.
Yeah, no, I wasn't gonna go,
but, you know, he needs me and,
I mean, Buffalo's
gonna be messy, but...
at least it's kind
of an adventure.
A messy adventure, you say?
That sounds fun.
You know, I've always
wanted to go to Buffalo.
You have?
Yes, yes.
Ever since I saw Bruce Almighty.
(laughs): Oh, my...
Paula.
Paula, no, this is perfect.
This is exactly the kind of
adventure that Dr. Shin was
talking about.
Let me come with you.
Really?
Yeah.
(knocking on door)
Yeah, come in, Paula.
Hey.
Oh.
I just, uh, wanted
to come check on you.
You know, like men do.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Everything good?
You're not running
away again, are you?
No, no, no, I'm just, I'm going
on a quick trip with Paula.
I'm trying to get out of my
bubble, my therapy bubble.
It's why I've been kind of MIA
from everything, so, sorry.
Oh, no, don't be sorry.
It's, it's good to see you.
Yeah.
Might have missed
you a little bit.
I don't know.
Prob-Probably not.
I'm probably just feeling
a little weird because
I accidentally had
dairy yesterday.
I asked for a grilled cheese
sandwich, but I said "no cheese,
no bread, I just want a hot,
salty tomato." But, you know,
they don't listen.
Cool.
What a roundabout explanation
for wanting to come see a friend
Come here.
I don't know if I can have sex.
Huh?
I don't know if the books
say that I can have sex yet.
I mean, and I definitely am
not ready for a relationship.
Not that that's what
you're trying to do.
I don't know what I'm saying.
You're a really good hugger.
Oh, thank you.
The thing is, I would love
to have sex with you again.
Like, I'm talking to
you here right now,
but there's another
version of me-- like,
an alternate version in a
parallel universe-- that's just
ripping your clothes off right
now and climbing you like the
sequoia you are, you
know what I'm sayin'?
Sequoia?
Yeah.
'Cause you're, like, tall and
hard, and wooden, and sexy,
and native to California, so
just get out of here, please.
Please just get out of here.
Okay.
I'm-a go.
But...
I'm-a go sexy.
(yelps) No!
(laughing)
Why is Nathaniel
leaving so sexy?
It's a whole thing.
- Let's just go.
- Okay.
No. Hm, no.
Hey, Dad.
Look who's home from Hollywood.
(laughs) It's West Covina.
It's not even
close to Hollywood.
This is my friend, Rebecca.
Look, enough with
the pleasantries.
Your mother told you
come and babysit me.
I don't need it.
I fell, I got a giant
bruise on my ass cheek.
Other than that, I'm perfect.
Hey, isn't that the girl
your mother told me about?
She, uh, kind of sucks
at killing herself?
Dad!
(laughs) Hey, I know this
guy from my old precinct in
Brooklyn, he tried to shoot
himself in his foot to get
workers' comp.
Blew off his willie.
You're like that guy.
Oh, my God, Rebecca,
I am so sorry.
No, no, no.
It-It's okay.
Wait, wait, so the guy
just blew off the willie?
Not the entire package?
So that means he just missed
out on becoming, like,
a great soprano?
By a hair.
(Rebecca and Bob
laughing) He's funny.
He's really not.
Paula doesn't have
a sense of humor.
Never has.
That's why she's not likable.
Hey, I'm not saying
anything you don't know.
You have other qualities.
You're sturdy.
Would've made a great
defensive tackle.
Well, see, Paula?
That's-that's a
genderless compliment.
Yeah, you know, I always
actually wondered if maybe Paula
had a pecker, a little one,
you know what I'm saying?
Okay, never mind.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
I'm gonna go to the market.
'Cause I'll bet all you got
in the fridge is artillery and
vodka.
Oh, I'm almost out of vodka.
Go ahead.
I'll stay with him.
Bye.
(door opens, closes) Hey, would
you like to see a big turd
I left in the toilet?
No.
Kinda.
(sighs) PAULA (echoing): Jeff.
Can I help you, ma'am?
Who is that?
That's...
That's my Josh Chan.
Is that your ex or something?
Oh, he's not just any ex.
He's...
he's the one I never got over.
I thought if I saw
him again, I'd...
I'd want to punch
him in the face,
but instead I feel all
warm and tingly inside,
like glitter is
exploding inside of me.
CLERK: So he was
your first love?
Oh, baby, he was my
first everything.
♪ I've thought about him for so long.
♪ Those memories are crystal clear.
♪ I was so young,
He was so big and strong
♪ I can't believe that he's right here.
♪ I was such an innocent girl
When we first met
♪ He opened up my eyes,
Showed me a whole new world
♪ So how could I ever forget?
♪ The first penis I saw
♪ First penis, very first penis
♪ First penis, very first penis I saw
♪ First penis, very first penis, penis
♪ First penis, very first penis I saw
♪ And of all the penises I've seen
♪ His had the biggest impact
♪ And by that what I mean is
♪ It really made me drop my jaw
♪ 'Cause it was the
Very first penis I saw
♪ A few times before
I felt it through his pants
♪ And just generally kinda rubbed it
♪ But that night
I decided to take a chance
♪ I took it out and
He really seemed to love it.
♪ I didn't know what to do next
♪ I didn't have that part planned
He said,
♪ "Let me show you some basic moves"
♪ And then he took my hand
♪ And taught me all about the
♪ First penis, very first penis,
♪ First penis, very first penis I saw
♪ First penis, very first penis, penis
♪ First penis, very first penis I saw
♪ Not the dirtiest,
Also not the cleanest
♪ In terms of penis,
I really was the greenest
♪ I was in total Aw
♪ Of the very first penis I saw
He's coming!
Bail on the turntable!
♪ I was so eager,
I couldn't hide my keenness
♪ Everything about it
Seemed quite ingenious
♪ I couldn't find a single flaw
♪ In the... first penis, very first penis
♪ Very first penis I saw!
Paula O'Brien?
Jeff Channington.
Heather, you're gonna
have to step it up.
I've been rocking the
YouTube tutorials,
and a simple pour ain't
gonna win you this rodeo.
I'm not in a rodeo.
Hey, check this out.
I call this the Big Boy.
Who's thirsty?
Who's thirsty?
I'm a Big Boy!
I'm a Big Boy!
Oh, man, this is a barf.
You like that?
Yeah.
(laughing) All right!
Hey, I'm Teresa.
I'm Josh.
I'm a big boy.
I can see that.
(chuckles) I love
your Cocktail moves.
Thanks.
It's called flair.
Cool.
Hey, so you busy after
work tomorrow night?
Oh, I always get busy
after work tomorrow night.
(laughs) That's good!
(laughs) I mean...
this is unbelievable.
So you...
back in town?
I mean, I thought you were
off living in Hollywood.
Well, actually, uh, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I'm back for a
couple of days, yes.
Wow.
I mean, you're just here for a
couple of days and we ran into
each other?
That is crazy.
Yeah.
So weird, right?
I mean, we haven't seen
each other since...
You dumped me in the parking lot
of the mall after we saw
"Fried Green Tomatoes".
(sighs) I'm sorry.
What a jerk I was.
Yeah, so ever since then, I
hear Kathy Bates do a Southern
accent, and I have
to leave the room.
You know, Paula, you were so
cool and so funny and so smart.
And you were the only girl in
town who knew anything about
Camaros.
By the way, I'm restoring one.
Yeah, I bought it on eBay.
It's stupid, but it's my hobby.
Always makes me think of you.
Me?
Yeah.
Do you want to come and see it?
(sighs, groans)
Look, here's my card.
In case you change your mind.
I've never watched
conservative news before.
All the women look exactly
the same, like they're old,
blonde Miss USAs.
Why is that?
Well, if we put 'em on the news,
then we don't have to send 'em
out to the glue factory.
(both laugh) Bob,
that's terrible.
Bob, be real.
You don't agree with
all this stuff, right?
I mean, you don't think
everyone should own a gun?
Oh, no.
They should own two guns: one
for animals, one for people.
Bob!
Here you go.
Oh, ah...
I don't know if I can.
Sorry.
I honestly don't know what
my book says about alcohol.
Your book?
You mean like a Bible?
Uh, kinda, but less sci-fi.
Um...
Oh...
Okay, but alcohol's
not really my trigger.
"Trigger." Now you're
speaking my language.
Let's get sauced.
Let's do some shots.
- Come on.
- Okay.
The news is great on shots.
- Here we go.
- (laughs) All right.
All right, cheers.
Mmm. Mmm.
Whoo!
Ooh, it burns like
a spicy salsa party!
Yes, yes.
(laughs): It feels so good.
- Hey.
- Hey!
Oh.
This looks like a fun time.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Hey, Rebecca, do you
have a second to come
talk to me in the kitchen?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm just busy getting a
C-plus in getting D-runk!
(laughs): Yeah.
(laughs) (sighs, laughs)
Oh, there you go.
You're doing very well.
She's doing very well.
Oh, thank you.
Very well.
(Rebecca and Bob continue
chattering) (snorts) I'm gonna
I'm gonna whiz and, uh, hit the hay.
Okay.
Good night, Bob.
That was fun.
Oh, is Paula back yet?
I wonder if she's in bed.
(phone chimes) Oh.
(sighs) (chuckles) Sequoia.
(chuckles) (laughs)
JEFF: You came!
(chuckles softly) You're here.
Well, I wanted to see the Z/28.
And that is the only
reason I'm here.
(chuckles) Well...
I don't care why you're here.
I'm just happy to see you.
(chuckles) You're throwing
wrenches at me now?
Hmm.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
(chuckles) Let's see.
(Josh humming) Big
boy's back in the game.
Who's got it?
Got it...
Oh, my God.
What is that?
No...
Not today.
I have a date.
Ow.
Ow!
(shouts) (coughs, snorts)
(moans) (moaning) (gasps)
Good morning.
(snorts) Mm.
Did you sleep well?
Yeah.
Hi.
Where were you last night?
I got up to pee at some point,
and I went to check on you,
and you weren't in your bed.
I may have number one'd
in one of your drawers.
No, I did.
I definitely did.
I'm sorry, I was drunk.
I went out.
I, uh...
saw an old friend who was fixing
up an old Camaro downtown,
and I happen to
love those, so...
Oh, right, you love cars.
I always forget that because
it doesn't interest me.
(chuckles) Well, I'm
glad you did that.
Good for you.
You deserve to have a
little late-night party fun.
You never do anything
for yourself.
Well, you know.
Sometimes I do.
You really don't, though.
You're always too busy being a
good wife and mom and friend and
co-worker.
You're like
everyone's big spoon.
You're so reliable.
(clicks tongue)
You look so pretty.
Where you going?
Oh, um...
I'm going to see the friend.
Who's your friend?
My friend?
Um...
He-- she...
She's a she.
Sheila Girlface.
"Sheila Girlface"?
Yeah, well, it's
Girlfacce, but, you know,
they had to change
it at Ellis Island.
Assimilation is a rape.
Anyway, uh, my friend invited me
to Saturday Mass this morning.
You want to come?
Uh...
Oh, it sounds awesome.
Um...
but Bob and I got
to check his traps.
For raccoons, and people's
stupid small dogs.
Both make cool hats, apparently.
Wow, you two really get along.
I'm sorry.
Is it annoying?
Should I stop?
I can stop.
It's a little
annoying, but, listen,
you're really doing me a favor.
You're taking care of him, and
so I'm free to do what I want to
do, which is go to church.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
Tell God I say...
well, he knows how I feel.
Thank God.
I was waiting for her to leave.
Was so wasted last night, I
went in one of her drawers.
So did I.
I thought that was you!
(both laughing) Hey.
Hey!
This is a nice surprise.
I have baseball practice.
What are you doing here?
Well, Madison said to meet her.
She wanted to
practice her slider.
Ah.
(women chattering) Ooh.
Oh, look.
She's like the sweetest...
Sliders are not really a
thing in softball, are they?
Uh...
Oh, look at that
little sleep sack.
Isn't that cute?
What a clever solution
for transitioning
out of the swaddle.
Wait a second.
Did you set this up?
Are you trying to force
the baby issue again?
What?
No!
Me?
No.
I mean, I'm not even
here to meet you.
I'm here to meet Madis-- oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
No.
This must have been Madison.
No, she does stuff like this.
Oh, she is so clever.
What she did was she knew that
there was a baby shower today,
and she had both of us come here
so we could have
our little baby fight.
(laughs) Why would
she want that?
Well, because she wants to
break us up because
she wants a sibling.
Oh.
(laughing): Oh.
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, she's really
trying to push the issue
because, you know,
you and I have been at
this impasse so long.
Yeah.
Yeah, we have.
Joshua.
The truth is...
...oh, this is so hard
to do, because I...
I love you a lot, but...
I'm not happy anymore
because of this.
Maybe having a baby
started out as a whim,
but it's what I want
for my life now.
And you don't want a
baby, maybe not ever.
I mean, you made that clear,
and, t-that's not gonna change.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, I know.
I mean, I am always
gonna care about you.
I really am.
'Cause I love you.
I...
I love you, too.
But...
(sighs) Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, wait.
So this is...
Yeah, I guess it is.
God, this sucks.
I don't know what
to do-- can we...
Can we still be friends,
or...? I don't know.
I mean, I would love that.
But that just sounds
so hard right now.
Did a nine-year-old just trick
us into doing something we
weren't brave enough
to do ourselves?
(laughs softly) I think so.
Huh.
I don't understand what
you feel so bad about.
So you had a little phone
action with some guy.
Where's the harm in that?
I mean, I do it, too.
For $9.95 an hour, you
get a real French girl.
They're not French, Bob.
They're French enough.
Go ahead.
Give it another try.
Are you sure?
I don't want to
break more stuff.
BOB: Oh, come on.
Live a little.
Have a vodka, dingle yourself
while you're texting a guy,
throw a dart out the window.
Go ahead.
(dart clattering) Or behind you.
Throw it behind you.
How does that feel?
Feels good, right?
Yeah, you know what?
It does feel good to
be outside the bubble.
You're right.
I'm having the best
time right now.
You're like the dad I never had.
You didn't have a dad?
I do, but he sucks.
I'll get it.
(glass shatters)
♪ I just made a new buddy.
♪ He and I bonded right away.
♪ It was a piece of cake,
With no emotional stakes.
♪ I got only good things to say,
About my friend's dad.
♪ My friend's dad.
♪ It's all the fun of having a dad,
Without the painful history.
♪ She has spunk.
♪ And he's a literal drunk.
♪ But that don't bother me.
♪ 'Cause he's not my dad,
He's my friend's dad.
♪ It's the healthiest relationship,
I've had with a man.
♪ That fact I must confess.
♪ He doesn't push my buttons.
♪ 'Cept the buttons on this cute dress...
♪ Doot, doot, doot!
(laughs) ♪ It's nothing but platonic,
His bigotry's ironic...
I like you.
You barely complain for a Jewish.
Oh, you.
♪ If we were related,
We'd probably fight a lot.
♪ Wait, what about Jews?
♪ Here, have some more booze.
♪ What was I saying?
♪ Oh, well I forgot - glug, glug.
My friend's dad.
♪ My friend's dad.
♪ And when she's not around,
I think about her naked...
Huh?
Nothing, kiddo.
♪ My friend's dad.
The V8 engine is man's
greatest artistic achievement.
Yeah, it's like the Sistine
Chapel of car stuff.
(laughs)
(music volume
increases)
♪ Do you believe...
You want to dance?
Me?
Do you see any other
beautiful women in here?
Uh...
♪ Do you believe...
♪ In letting me hold...
(laughing): Oh.
♪ You tight...
What?
(gasps)
♪ Kissed you good night
I want to know
♪ Please tell me so...
What are we doing?
We're just two old
friends, catching up.
Do you believe...
Going back in time.
Like Outlander.
What?
(laughs)
Oh, God, you make me feel
like I am 17 again,
and all my worries
are just gone.
In my real life, I'm
always someone's mom,
someone's best friend,
someone's errand girl, but...
you make me feel...
...special.
(laughs) And you make me
feel like a terrible dancer.
You got moves.
Wha-- oh, ooh!
(laughs)
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa Oo Yeah...
So...
Uh, I'll call you?
I guess.
Is that...
Yes, no.
I...
I'll just see you around.
Maybe?
Well, we've been saying
good-bye for about two hours.
(laughs): So, guess we should...
probably go.
Yeah, you're right.
Who should go first?
Uh...
JOSH: Here comes the big boy.
(dance music playing)
Hey, there.
Can I make you a Joshtini?
(laughing): Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Sit down, sit down.
Look at this.
Oh, no.
Actually, we're on our way out.
What?
No.
No, you can't leave.
What are you-- look at Josh.
You guys can't miss this.
He thinks he's Tom
Cruise in Cocktail.
It-it's amazing.
JOSH: Yeah.
Cannot be missed.
Okay.
I'm staying.
Yes.
You're making the right call.
Ah...
I'm starting to
worry about Paula.
She's not answering her phone,
she's been at church
for, like, nine hours.
Church?
Nine hours on a Saturday?
Well, yeah.
I mean, she said she ran
into a friend with, like,
a cool Camaro or something?
Um, oh, right, her name
is Sheila Girlfacce.
You probably know her
as Sheila Girlface.
So, that's a fake name.
I fell for that.
Camaro?
I know what this is about.
Come on, let's go.
♪ You told me...
Can I ask you something?
Anything.
Do you ever think about us?
Do you ever regret our breakup?
♪ But there is one thing...
You want the truth?
I really do.
Yeah.
I regret it.
Big-time.
♪ Before you...
(whispering): Really?
Yeah.
I never should've let you go.
It was a big mistake.
♪ When you leave me, no...
Ooh!
Well...
that was all I needed.
What?
Yeah.
(shotgun cocks) Take one step
closer to her and I'll turn you
into a great soprano.
Paula, what's going on?
Who is that?
BOB: This is Jeff, the guy
that broke Paula's heart.
She drew pictures of his johnson
with hearts around it for years
after that.
Dad, why do you know that?
Because you left your diary
on that shelf in the bathroom.
Dad, would you put the gun down?
I was leaving, anyway.
(sighs) It was so good to see
you again and it was so good to
hear you say what you said.
Thank you.
All right, let's go.
Give me the keys.
I'm driving.
No, no, no, it's okay.
Bob can drive.
He drives really
well when he's drunk.
(sighs)
(chuckles softly)
Ah, yeah.
Damn.
♪ Like a curtain...
(scat singing)
♪ She's a beauty, I'm the beast...
(cheering, applause)
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, he's really going for it.
Oh.
Oh!
What is that thing on his face?
WHITE JOSH: I don't
know, but it's alive.
HECTOR: I can't look away.
I should, but I can't.
(scat singing) Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Josh, um, your face is infected.
You didn't, like, touch some
dirty glasses and then try to
pop a pimple on
your face, did you?
(laughing): No,
I'm not an idiot.
You're just afraid to compete.
HEATHER: No.
I'm serious.
I think that's a
staph infection.
(scat singing) JOSH: Oh,
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go.
♪ Light shining
through the window...
Huh?
You like that?
(laughs) (grunts, hums) - Window
Like light through a window...
For you, my lady.
Hey, Josh.
So, um, I'm a nurse and that
looks like a staph infection.
JOSH: Guys, I'm fine.
Check this out.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
An we'll be on...
(gasps) (all gasping,
groaning) (gags)
I'm gonna go.
Bye.
(gasps) REBECCA:
So, you didn't kiss?
PAULA: No, thank God.
Scott was right.
I have always treated him like
the consolation prize and it's
because Jeff rejected me.
He was always this ideal
thing that I couldn't have,
but I got to reject him, so now
he's no longer on
some kind of pedestal.
I can finally move on from
wondering what could've been
with Jeff Channington because
this time I got to
make the choice.
Wow.
Paula, I just, it blows my mind
that I didn't know any of this.
You know that I want you to
tell me this stuff, right?
Babe...
you are trying to get better
after something really huge and
traumatic.
I do not want to burden you.
I want to take care of you.
No, no, no, that's what you've
always done, Paula, and...
(sighs)
I love that ever since
we met you have tried to be like
my mom, but from now on, how
about we just be best friends?
But you're the little spoon and
I'm the big spoon and that's how
it works.
I mean, you said so yourself.
I shouldn't have said that.
That's not what we should be.
I mean, 'cause you know what
size spoons
fit together the best?
No.
Same-size spoons.
Aw.
Hey.
They do.
That's perfect.
(laughing): Yeah, I
just thought of that.
I like that.
Same-size spoons.
Okay.
I like it.
(both laugh) How you feeling,
flair champ of West Covina?
I have ten more
days of antibiotics.
You were right.
It was a staph infection.
Heather, I could've died.
I took people's germs and
smeared them into my face.
Mm-hmm.
Feel so stupid.
I was so wrong.
I'm not a big boy,
I'm a small boy.
Oh.
Look, dumb stuff happens
to all of us, Josh.
Don't, like, beat yourself up.
And also, you're a man.
Oh, that was the word.
(scoffs) Mm-hmm.
(sighs) Heather...
I'm spiraling.
I have no apartment, no
relationship, no career goals.
I just feel like there's no
ground under me, you know?
Yeah.
Well, you'll figure it out.
I'm still figuring
things out and I'm, like,
way smarter and
cooler than you are.
(scoffs) Are you?
Yeah.
I am.
You do magic.
Exactly.
Exactly.
PAULA: All right.
We got to get to the airport.
So, um, thanks for trying
to shoot Jeff, Dad.
Meant a lot.
Yeah, well, thanks for
coming and visiting me.
I mean, I know I'm just an old
pain who reads your diaries and
number-twos in your drawers.
What?
(laughing): Bob,
you're the worst.
(laughs) Okay, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute, Paula.
Uh...
Rebecca tells me
that you're, uh,
first in your class
in law school.
Um...
I didn't know you
were smart like that.
Yeah, I am.
I'm really smart.
All right, you don't have to
hit me over the head with it.
But, uh, it would be nice if
you guys came back
and visited again.
Thanks, my friend's dad.
Oh.
Okay, I'll be in the car.
Okay.
(chuckles)
(knocking on the door)
- Hi.
- Hi.
How was your trip?
So, remember the day I chased
you around the conference room
and then jumped on you like
a flying squirrel move?
(laughs) I do.
Yes.
(laughs) Okay, stand back.
Mmm.
Are you sure this is okay
with your therapy thing?
Just shut up.
What?
We shouldn't keep pie in here.
Hey, honey.
How's your dad?
Same.
Mm, want some?
Sure.
So, I want to talk to
you about something.
It's important.
If I could...
go through a magical stone wall
and pick any man in any time
period in any universe...
I would pick Brad Pitt
in Thelma & Louise.
Strong choice.
Me same.
And when he turned me down...
(laughs) ...I'd pick you.
Really?
Yeah.
Every day of the week.
Right back at you.
REBECCA: So, I went to
Buffalo, drank a ton of vodka,
sexted with a guy, damaged a
house with darts and urine,
got in a car with a drunk guy--
oops-- watched that guy threaten
another guy with a gun, and I
farted a ton on the plane on the
way back because no
one could hear it,
and I just had a ton
of sex with my ex-boss.
So, how's that for getting
out of the therapy bubble?
Wow, that is not in
any workbook I know of.
You know, my whole life, I've
only known how to be, like,
really good or really bad.
But being a human...
...is living in that
kind of in-between space,
it's making mistakes, and
that's very scary, but...
also very cool.
Great work.
You, my friend, get an
A-plus on your C-plus.
Yes!
And I got this just for you.
Pick one.
Oh.
(sniffs) Oh, yeah.
It smells like grape.
Ex-Girlfriend...
REBECCA: Oh, I'm so embarrassed
that I caused such a scene.
And I didn't, I didn't
even want to die.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
You don't want to
have a baby, do you?
No.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Are you sure you don't
need to go be at home?
What about your kids?
PAULA: I am where I should be.
Which is...
right by your side.
DR. SHIN: It is my opinion
that you exhibit many of the
characteristics of borderline
personality disorder.
I'm here for you.
That really means a lot.
(sighs happily) Hey, Heather.
(door closes) What up,
what up, what up, what up?
You're in a good mood.
Yeah.
Wow.
Someone did some shopping.
Yes, I'm very excited.
Can't believe your doctor
gave you so much homework.
Oh, no, you know, he only
assigned me one of those books,
but I just figured, if
filling out one book is good,
filling out all of them
must be even better.
You're such an A student.
God, I miss being a student.
Is there something you can
fill out when you used to be a
student, but now
you're not a student?
I think it's called
a job application.
Oh.
Ah.
Mm, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh-- let's see.
"Exercise One: Scan your body
for any signs of distress."
(robot voice):
Initiating body scan.
Oh, these pants feel tight.
They are tight in the crotch.
These are terrible pants.
I should get rid of these pants.
Please don't take your
pants off in front of me,
I know you haven't
done laundry lately.
I'm actually wearing
your bikini bottoms.
You can keep 'em.
Thank you.
(Rebecca scat singing)
Did all the books.
Are you proud of me?
I don't know if you keep
stickers around, but if you do,
I prefer scratch-n-sniff, so...
Rebecca, I applaud
your work ethic,
but recovery is not about
assigning yourself homework and
doing it in record time.
So you're saying I set a record.
I know you want an A-plus, but
I need to challenge you to get a
different type of grade.
What's better than an A-plus?
A C-plus.
(gasps) I know by
doing this work,
you want to get better quickly,
but for someone like you,
the overachieving is
part of the issue.
You need to relax.
Relax?
Okay, is that what they
told you to do at Syracuse?
I'm sor-- I'm sorry, Syracuse
is a lovely school for
communications or something.
Hey, you need to
put the pencil down.
You have been in
a therapy bubble.
All right?
It is time to take steps
into the real world.
The real world?
No, no, I don't want that,
'cause what if I mess things up?
Then that's okay.
Go out there and make some
messes, have some adventures.
And stop being so
hard on yourself.
I mean, you're right.
I am hard on myself.
God, it's one of
my worst qualities.
God, I'm such a dumb,
loser, hard-on-myself bitch.
That.
Stop doing that.
(sighs) I just
don't want to fail.
You need to redefine failure.
As I did, when I only got
into my safety school.
(laughs): Oh, ho...
That's a beauty!
(giggles) Hey!
Look, I made special
pancakes with a sports theme.
Basketball, soccer ball,
baseball, golf ball.
Those are just circles, Mom.
Oh, wait till you hear
what happened this morning.
Okay, so Grandma calls and
she said she's got this church
retreat in Minnesota
that she has to go to,
and she wants me to
stay with Grampa.
(laughs) 'Cause he fell down
'cause he's old or-- cough,
cough-- alcoholic.
What is she thinking?
Like I would ever
go and do that.
You guys know how
much my dad annoys me.
Who's ready for an
egg-n-cheese sammy?
- I am.
- Me, too
SCOTT: (chuckles) So hungry.
You're going out to breakfast?
I mean, what are
you talking about?
While you were busy with
Rebecca, we got a new routine.
We do drive-through
for breakfast now.
BRENDAN: Yeah.
Let's get going. Starving.
- Mmm.
- Yeah, same.
(chuckles): Mm-hmm.
- So hungry.
- Craving those sandwiches.
-Hey, Scott,
TOMMY: Yeah, it's the best.
Look, I know I was AWOL
with Rebecca, but I'm back.
I'm here.
I am doing laundry, I
am flushing toilets,
I am helping with homework.
Okay, let's face it,
I am doing homework.
Yeah, but we don't know how
long this is gonna last.
You go through phases.
Before Rebecca, there
were those vampire novels.
Sudoku, and then there was the
obsession with Amal Clooney's outfits.
She is a style icon
and a barrister.
There's always something you're
obsessed with and, uh, eh,
it's kind of never us.
We're like a, I don't
know, a chore or something.
You're not a chore.
This is my life and
I have accepted it.
My life is chores and working
and studying and never having
enough time to finish the last
season of Outlander, it's fine.
I wasn't trying to
start something.
You do your best.
But it always feels like there's
some part of you that's not
really here.
Why is that?
Hmm. Don't know.
I'm in just such a transitional
time right now, you know?
Tell me about it.
My voice is cracking, hair
is appearing in very strange
places, and my armpits are
starting to smell like...
like armpits.
But I'm supposed
to be past that.
I'm a big boy.
What's the word for that?
Man.
Yeah.
Man, what is the word for that?
Josh, I couldn't help but
overhear as I was trying to
overhear.
You're looking for a job, huh?
(scoffs) I really need a job.
I'm on indefinite suspension
from Aloha so I'm broke.
We've been looking
for a bartender.
You interested?
Bartending?
Huh.
I thought it was kind of
lame when Greg did it,
but I bet I could make it cool.
I am really coordinated because
of my martial arts and my magic.
I bet I could pick up some dope
Cocktail tricks pretty fast.
We mostly serve beer, so we
don't need anything fancy.
Thanks for not cheering
too loud at my game today.
I know it was hard.
Yeah, I tried to reign it in,
but it is hard because Madison
is rad-ison. (chuckles)
I'll excuse it
because you're going through a
tough time.
I mean, you just broke
up with your boyfriend.
You did break up
with him, right?
(clears throat) What?
Come on!
You want to have a baby.
He doesn't.
I know, but it's so hard.
I still care about him.
I love him.
You got to rip off the Band-Aid.
That's how I broke
up with Jimmy.
Here he is.
Do it.
Joshua!
My dad has something
to tell you.
Oh, yeah?
Um...
What's up?
(sighs) Um...
Madison won her game.
WHITE JOSH: Oh, nice, Madison.
Way to go.
So, you're really thinking
about going back to Buffalo?
Nobody appreciates me
at my house right now.
I mean, I might as well.
Scott has been so pissy lately.
Oh, sometimes I wish I could
just touch a stone wall and go
back to 1743 to be with my other
husband, the Scottish warrior,
and you don't watch
Outlander, do you?
Mm, sorry.
Like, none of this
makes any sense to you.
(inhales sharply) Okay.
Anyway, Paula, are you sure you
want to go back and hang out
with your dad?
I mean, you hate him; he
makes you feel horrible about
yourself.
Yeah, no, I wasn't gonna go,
but, you know, he needs me and,
I mean, Buffalo's
gonna be messy, but...
at least it's kind
of an adventure.
A messy adventure, you say?
That sounds fun.
You know, I've always
wanted to go to Buffalo.
You have?
Yes, yes.
Ever since I saw Bruce Almighty.
(laughs): Oh, my...
Paula.
Paula, no, this is perfect.
This is exactly the kind of
adventure that Dr. Shin was
talking about.
Let me come with you.
Really?
Yeah.
(knocking on door)
Yeah, come in, Paula.
Hey.
Oh.
I just, uh, wanted
to come check on you.
You know, like men do.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Everything good?
You're not running
away again, are you?
No, no, no, I'm just, I'm going
on a quick trip with Paula.
I'm trying to get out of my
bubble, my therapy bubble.
It's why I've been kind of MIA
from everything, so, sorry.
Oh, no, don't be sorry.
It's, it's good to see you.
Yeah.
Might have missed
you a little bit.
I don't know.
Prob-Probably not.
I'm probably just feeling
a little weird because
I accidentally had
dairy yesterday.
I asked for a grilled cheese
sandwich, but I said "no cheese,
no bread, I just want a hot,
salty tomato." But, you know,
they don't listen.
Cool.
What a roundabout explanation
for wanting to come see a friend
Come here.
I don't know if I can have sex.
Huh?
I don't know if the books
say that I can have sex yet.
I mean, and I definitely am
not ready for a relationship.
Not that that's what
you're trying to do.
I don't know what I'm saying.
You're a really good hugger.
Oh, thank you.
The thing is, I would love
to have sex with you again.
Like, I'm talking to
you here right now,
but there's another
version of me-- like,
an alternate version in a
parallel universe-- that's just
ripping your clothes off right
now and climbing you like the
sequoia you are, you
know what I'm sayin'?
Sequoia?
Yeah.
'Cause you're, like, tall and
hard, and wooden, and sexy,
and native to California, so
just get out of here, please.
Please just get out of here.
Okay.
I'm-a go.
But...
I'm-a go sexy.
(yelps) No!
(laughing)
Why is Nathaniel
leaving so sexy?
It's a whole thing.
- Let's just go.
- Okay.
No. Hm, no.
Hey, Dad.
Look who's home from Hollywood.
(laughs) It's West Covina.
It's not even
close to Hollywood.
This is my friend, Rebecca.
Look, enough with
the pleasantries.
Your mother told you
come and babysit me.
I don't need it.
I fell, I got a giant
bruise on my ass cheek.
Other than that, I'm perfect.
Hey, isn't that the girl
your mother told me about?
She, uh, kind of sucks
at killing herself?
Dad!
(laughs) Hey, I know this
guy from my old precinct in
Brooklyn, he tried to shoot
himself in his foot to get
workers' comp.
Blew off his willie.
You're like that guy.
Oh, my God, Rebecca,
I am so sorry.
No, no, no.
It-It's okay.
Wait, wait, so the guy
just blew off the willie?
Not the entire package?
So that means he just missed
out on becoming, like,
a great soprano?
By a hair.
(Rebecca and Bob
laughing) He's funny.
He's really not.
Paula doesn't have
a sense of humor.
Never has.
That's why she's not likable.
Hey, I'm not saying
anything you don't know.
You have other qualities.
You're sturdy.
Would've made a great
defensive tackle.
Well, see, Paula?
That's-that's a
genderless compliment.
Yeah, you know, I always
actually wondered if maybe Paula
had a pecker, a little one,
you know what I'm saying?
Okay, never mind.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
I'm gonna go to the market.
'Cause I'll bet all you got
in the fridge is artillery and
vodka.
Oh, I'm almost out of vodka.
Go ahead.
I'll stay with him.
Bye.
(door opens, closes) Hey, would
you like to see a big turd
I left in the toilet?
No.
Kinda.
(sighs) PAULA (echoing): Jeff.
Can I help you, ma'am?
Who is that?
That's...
That's my Josh Chan.
Is that your ex or something?
Oh, he's not just any ex.
He's...
he's the one I never got over.
I thought if I saw
him again, I'd...
I'd want to punch
him in the face,
but instead I feel all
warm and tingly inside,
like glitter is
exploding inside of me.
CLERK: So he was
your first love?
Oh, baby, he was my
first everything.
♪ I've thought about him for so long.
♪ Those memories are crystal clear.
♪ I was so young,
He was so big and strong
♪ I can't believe that he's right here.
♪ I was such an innocent girl
When we first met
♪ He opened up my eyes,
Showed me a whole new world
♪ So how could I ever forget?
♪ The first penis I saw
♪ First penis, very first penis
♪ First penis, very first penis I saw
♪ First penis, very first penis, penis
♪ First penis, very first penis I saw
♪ And of all the penises I've seen
♪ His had the biggest impact
♪ And by that what I mean is
♪ It really made me drop my jaw
♪ 'Cause it was the
Very first penis I saw
♪ A few times before
I felt it through his pants
♪ And just generally kinda rubbed it
♪ But that night
I decided to take a chance
♪ I took it out and
He really seemed to love it.
♪ I didn't know what to do next
♪ I didn't have that part planned
He said,
♪ "Let me show you some basic moves"
♪ And then he took my hand
♪ And taught me all about the
♪ First penis, very first penis,
♪ First penis, very first penis I saw
♪ First penis, very first penis, penis
♪ First penis, very first penis I saw
♪ Not the dirtiest,
Also not the cleanest
♪ In terms of penis,
I really was the greenest
♪ I was in total Aw
♪ Of the very first penis I saw
He's coming!
Bail on the turntable!
♪ I was so eager,
I couldn't hide my keenness
♪ Everything about it
Seemed quite ingenious
♪ I couldn't find a single flaw
♪ In the... first penis, very first penis
♪ Very first penis I saw!
Paula O'Brien?
Jeff Channington.
Heather, you're gonna
have to step it up.
I've been rocking the
YouTube tutorials,
and a simple pour ain't
gonna win you this rodeo.
I'm not in a rodeo.
Hey, check this out.
I call this the Big Boy.
Who's thirsty?
Who's thirsty?
I'm a Big Boy!
I'm a Big Boy!
Oh, man, this is a barf.
You like that?
Yeah.
(laughing) All right!
Hey, I'm Teresa.
I'm Josh.
I'm a big boy.
I can see that.
(chuckles) I love
your Cocktail moves.
Thanks.
It's called flair.
Cool.
Hey, so you busy after
work tomorrow night?
Oh, I always get busy
after work tomorrow night.
(laughs) That's good!
(laughs) I mean...
this is unbelievable.
So you...
back in town?
I mean, I thought you were
off living in Hollywood.
Well, actually, uh, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I'm back for a
couple of days, yes.
Wow.
I mean, you're just here for a
couple of days and we ran into
each other?
That is crazy.
Yeah.
So weird, right?
I mean, we haven't seen
each other since...
You dumped me in the parking lot
of the mall after we saw
"Fried Green Tomatoes".
(sighs) I'm sorry.
What a jerk I was.
Yeah, so ever since then, I
hear Kathy Bates do a Southern
accent, and I have
to leave the room.
You know, Paula, you were so
cool and so funny and so smart.
And you were the only girl in
town who knew anything about
Camaros.
By the way, I'm restoring one.
Yeah, I bought it on eBay.
It's stupid, but it's my hobby.
Always makes me think of you.
Me?
Yeah.
Do you want to come and see it?
(sighs, groans)
Look, here's my card.
In case you change your mind.
I've never watched
conservative news before.
All the women look exactly
the same, like they're old,
blonde Miss USAs.
Why is that?
Well, if we put 'em on the news,
then we don't have to send 'em
out to the glue factory.
(both laugh) Bob,
that's terrible.
Bob, be real.
You don't agree with
all this stuff, right?
I mean, you don't think
everyone should own a gun?
Oh, no.
They should own two guns: one
for animals, one for people.
Bob!
Here you go.
Oh, ah...
I don't know if I can.
Sorry.
I honestly don't know what
my book says about alcohol.
Your book?
You mean like a Bible?
Uh, kinda, but less sci-fi.
Um...
Oh...
Okay, but alcohol's
not really my trigger.
"Trigger." Now you're
speaking my language.
Let's get sauced.
Let's do some shots.
- Come on.
- Okay.
The news is great on shots.
- Here we go.
- (laughs) All right.
All right, cheers.
Mmm. Mmm.
Whoo!
Ooh, it burns like
a spicy salsa party!
Yes, yes.
(laughs): It feels so good.
- Hey.
- Hey!
Oh.
This looks like a fun time.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Hey, Rebecca, do you
have a second to come
talk to me in the kitchen?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm just busy getting a
C-plus in getting D-runk!
(laughs): Yeah.
(laughs) (sighs, laughs)
Oh, there you go.
You're doing very well.
She's doing very well.
Oh, thank you.
Very well.
(Rebecca and Bob continue
chattering) (snorts) I'm gonna
I'm gonna whiz and, uh, hit the hay.
Okay.
Good night, Bob.
That was fun.
Oh, is Paula back yet?
I wonder if she's in bed.
(phone chimes) Oh.
(sighs) (chuckles) Sequoia.
(chuckles) (laughs)
JEFF: You came!
(chuckles softly) You're here.
Well, I wanted to see the Z/28.
And that is the only
reason I'm here.
(chuckles) Well...
I don't care why you're here.
I'm just happy to see you.
(chuckles) You're throwing
wrenches at me now?
Hmm.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
(chuckles) Let's see.
(Josh humming) Big
boy's back in the game.
Who's got it?
Got it...
Oh, my God.
What is that?
No...
Not today.
I have a date.
Ow.
Ow!
(shouts) (coughs, snorts)
(moans) (moaning) (gasps)
Good morning.
(snorts) Mm.
Did you sleep well?
Yeah.
Hi.
Where were you last night?
I got up to pee at some point,
and I went to check on you,
and you weren't in your bed.
I may have number one'd
in one of your drawers.
No, I did.
I definitely did.
I'm sorry, I was drunk.
I went out.
I, uh...
saw an old friend who was fixing
up an old Camaro downtown,
and I happen to
love those, so...
Oh, right, you love cars.
I always forget that because
it doesn't interest me.
(chuckles) Well, I'm
glad you did that.
Good for you.
You deserve to have a
little late-night party fun.
You never do anything
for yourself.
Well, you know.
Sometimes I do.
You really don't, though.
You're always too busy being a
good wife and mom and friend and
co-worker.
You're like
everyone's big spoon.
You're so reliable.
(clicks tongue)
You look so pretty.
Where you going?
Oh, um...
I'm going to see the friend.
Who's your friend?
My friend?
Um...
He-- she...
She's a she.
Sheila Girlface.
"Sheila Girlface"?
Yeah, well, it's
Girlfacce, but, you know,
they had to change
it at Ellis Island.
Assimilation is a rape.
Anyway, uh, my friend invited me
to Saturday Mass this morning.
You want to come?
Uh...
Oh, it sounds awesome.
Um...
but Bob and I got
to check his traps.
For raccoons, and people's
stupid small dogs.
Both make cool hats, apparently.
Wow, you two really get along.
I'm sorry.
Is it annoying?
Should I stop?
I can stop.
It's a little
annoying, but, listen,
you're really doing me a favor.
You're taking care of him, and
so I'm free to do what I want to
do, which is go to church.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
Tell God I say...
well, he knows how I feel.
Thank God.
I was waiting for her to leave.
Was so wasted last night, I
went in one of her drawers.
So did I.
I thought that was you!
(both laughing) Hey.
Hey!
This is a nice surprise.
I have baseball practice.
What are you doing here?
Well, Madison said to meet her.
She wanted to
practice her slider.
Ah.
(women chattering) Ooh.
Oh, look.
She's like the sweetest...
Sliders are not really a
thing in softball, are they?
Uh...
Oh, look at that
little sleep sack.
Isn't that cute?
What a clever solution
for transitioning
out of the swaddle.
Wait a second.
Did you set this up?
Are you trying to force
the baby issue again?
What?
No!
Me?
No.
I mean, I'm not even
here to meet you.
I'm here to meet Madis-- oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
No.
This must have been Madison.
No, she does stuff like this.
Oh, she is so clever.
What she did was she knew that
there was a baby shower today,
and she had both of us come here
so we could have
our little baby fight.
(laughs) Why would
she want that?
Well, because she wants to
break us up because
she wants a sibling.
Oh.
(laughing): Oh.
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, she's really
trying to push the issue
because, you know,
you and I have been at
this impasse so long.
Yeah.
Yeah, we have.
Joshua.
The truth is...
...oh, this is so hard
to do, because I...
I love you a lot, but...
I'm not happy anymore
because of this.
Maybe having a baby
started out as a whim,
but it's what I want
for my life now.
And you don't want a
baby, maybe not ever.
I mean, you made that clear,
and, t-that's not gonna change.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, I know.
I mean, I am always
gonna care about you.
I really am.
'Cause I love you.
I...
I love you, too.
But...
(sighs) Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, wait.
So this is...
Yeah, I guess it is.
God, this sucks.
I don't know what
to do-- can we...
Can we still be friends,
or...? I don't know.
I mean, I would love that.
But that just sounds
so hard right now.
Did a nine-year-old just trick
us into doing something we
weren't brave enough
to do ourselves?
(laughs softly) I think so.
Huh.
I don't understand what
you feel so bad about.
So you had a little phone
action with some guy.
Where's the harm in that?
I mean, I do it, too.
For $9.95 an hour, you
get a real French girl.
They're not French, Bob.
They're French enough.
Go ahead.
Give it another try.
Are you sure?
I don't want to
break more stuff.
BOB: Oh, come on.
Live a little.
Have a vodka, dingle yourself
while you're texting a guy,
throw a dart out the window.
Go ahead.
(dart clattering) Or behind you.
Throw it behind you.
How does that feel?
Feels good, right?
Yeah, you know what?
It does feel good to
be outside the bubble.
You're right.
I'm having the best
time right now.
You're like the dad I never had.
You didn't have a dad?
I do, but he sucks.
I'll get it.
(glass shatters)
♪ I just made a new buddy.
♪ He and I bonded right away.
♪ It was a piece of cake,
With no emotional stakes.
♪ I got only good things to say,
About my friend's dad.
♪ My friend's dad.
♪ It's all the fun of having a dad,
Without the painful history.
♪ She has spunk.
♪ And he's a literal drunk.
♪ But that don't bother me.
♪ 'Cause he's not my dad,
He's my friend's dad.
♪ It's the healthiest relationship,
I've had with a man.
♪ That fact I must confess.
♪ He doesn't push my buttons.
♪ 'Cept the buttons on this cute dress...
♪ Doot, doot, doot!
(laughs) ♪ It's nothing but platonic,
His bigotry's ironic...
I like you.
You barely complain for a Jewish.
Oh, you.
♪ If we were related,
We'd probably fight a lot.
♪ Wait, what about Jews?
♪ Here, have some more booze.
♪ What was I saying?
♪ Oh, well I forgot - glug, glug.
My friend's dad.
♪ My friend's dad.
♪ And when she's not around,
I think about her naked...
Huh?
Nothing, kiddo.
♪ My friend's dad.
The V8 engine is man's
greatest artistic achievement.
Yeah, it's like the Sistine
Chapel of car stuff.
(laughs)
(music volume
increases)
♪ Do you believe...
You want to dance?
Me?
Do you see any other
beautiful women in here?
Uh...
♪ Do you believe...
♪ In letting me hold...
(laughing): Oh.
♪ You tight...
What?
(gasps)
♪ Kissed you good night
I want to know
♪ Please tell me so...
What are we doing?
We're just two old
friends, catching up.
Do you believe...
Going back in time.
Like Outlander.
What?
(laughs)
Oh, God, you make me feel
like I am 17 again,
and all my worries
are just gone.
In my real life, I'm
always someone's mom,
someone's best friend,
someone's errand girl, but...
you make me feel...
...special.
(laughs) And you make me
feel like a terrible dancer.
You got moves.
Wha-- oh, ooh!
(laughs)
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa Oo Yeah...
So...
Uh, I'll call you?
I guess.
Is that...
Yes, no.
I...
I'll just see you around.
Maybe?
Well, we've been saying
good-bye for about two hours.
(laughs): So, guess we should...
probably go.
Yeah, you're right.
Who should go first?
Uh...
JOSH: Here comes the big boy.
(dance music playing)
Hey, there.
Can I make you a Joshtini?
(laughing): Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Sit down, sit down.
Look at this.
Oh, no.
Actually, we're on our way out.
What?
No.
No, you can't leave.
What are you-- look at Josh.
You guys can't miss this.
He thinks he's Tom
Cruise in Cocktail.
It-it's amazing.
JOSH: Yeah.
Cannot be missed.
Okay.
I'm staying.
Yes.
You're making the right call.
Ah...
I'm starting to
worry about Paula.
She's not answering her phone,
she's been at church
for, like, nine hours.
Church?
Nine hours on a Saturday?
Well, yeah.
I mean, she said she ran
into a friend with, like,
a cool Camaro or something?
Um, oh, right, her name
is Sheila Girlfacce.
You probably know her
as Sheila Girlface.
So, that's a fake name.
I fell for that.
Camaro?
I know what this is about.
Come on, let's go.
♪ You told me...
Can I ask you something?
Anything.
Do you ever think about us?
Do you ever regret our breakup?
♪ But there is one thing...
You want the truth?
I really do.
Yeah.
I regret it.
Big-time.
♪ Before you...
(whispering): Really?
Yeah.
I never should've let you go.
It was a big mistake.
♪ When you leave me, no...
Ooh!
Well...
that was all I needed.
What?
Yeah.
(shotgun cocks) Take one step
closer to her and I'll turn you
into a great soprano.
Paula, what's going on?
Who is that?
BOB: This is Jeff, the guy
that broke Paula's heart.
She drew pictures of his johnson
with hearts around it for years
after that.
Dad, why do you know that?
Because you left your diary
on that shelf in the bathroom.
Dad, would you put the gun down?
I was leaving, anyway.
(sighs) It was so good to see
you again and it was so good to
hear you say what you said.
Thank you.
All right, let's go.
Give me the keys.
I'm driving.
No, no, no, it's okay.
Bob can drive.
He drives really
well when he's drunk.
(sighs)
(chuckles softly)
Ah, yeah.
Damn.
♪ Like a curtain...
(scat singing)
♪ She's a beauty, I'm the beast...
(cheering, applause)
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, he's really going for it.
Oh.
Oh!
What is that thing on his face?
WHITE JOSH: I don't
know, but it's alive.
HECTOR: I can't look away.
I should, but I can't.
(scat singing) Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Josh, um, your face is infected.
You didn't, like, touch some
dirty glasses and then try to
pop a pimple on
your face, did you?
(laughing): No,
I'm not an idiot.
You're just afraid to compete.
HEATHER: No.
I'm serious.
I think that's a
staph infection.
(scat singing) JOSH: Oh,
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go.
♪ Light shining
through the window...
Huh?
You like that?
(laughs) (grunts, hums) - Window
Like light through a window...
For you, my lady.
Hey, Josh.
So, um, I'm a nurse and that
looks like a staph infection.
JOSH: Guys, I'm fine.
Check this out.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
An we'll be on...
(gasps) (all gasping,
groaning) (gags)
I'm gonna go.
Bye.
(gasps) REBECCA:
So, you didn't kiss?
PAULA: No, thank God.
Scott was right.
I have always treated him like
the consolation prize and it's
because Jeff rejected me.
He was always this ideal
thing that I couldn't have,
but I got to reject him, so now
he's no longer on
some kind of pedestal.
I can finally move on from
wondering what could've been
with Jeff Channington because
this time I got to
make the choice.
Wow.
Paula, I just, it blows my mind
that I didn't know any of this.
You know that I want you to
tell me this stuff, right?
Babe...
you are trying to get better
after something really huge and
traumatic.
I do not want to burden you.
I want to take care of you.
No, no, no, that's what you've
always done, Paula, and...
(sighs)
I love that ever since
we met you have tried to be like
my mom, but from now on, how
about we just be best friends?
But you're the little spoon and
I'm the big spoon and that's how
it works.
I mean, you said so yourself.
I shouldn't have said that.
That's not what we should be.
I mean, 'cause you know what
size spoons
fit together the best?
No.
Same-size spoons.
Aw.
Hey.
They do.
That's perfect.
(laughing): Yeah, I
just thought of that.
I like that.
Same-size spoons.
Okay.
I like it.
(both laugh) How you feeling,
flair champ of West Covina?
I have ten more
days of antibiotics.
You were right.
It was a staph infection.
Heather, I could've died.
I took people's germs and
smeared them into my face.
Mm-hmm.
Feel so stupid.
I was so wrong.
I'm not a big boy,
I'm a small boy.
Oh.
Look, dumb stuff happens
to all of us, Josh.
Don't, like, beat yourself up.
And also, you're a man.
Oh, that was the word.
(scoffs) Mm-hmm.
(sighs) Heather...
I'm spiraling.
I have no apartment, no
relationship, no career goals.
I just feel like there's no
ground under me, you know?
Yeah.
Well, you'll figure it out.
I'm still figuring
things out and I'm, like,
way smarter and
cooler than you are.
(scoffs) Are you?
Yeah.
I am.
You do magic.
Exactly.
Exactly.
PAULA: All right.
We got to get to the airport.
So, um, thanks for trying
to shoot Jeff, Dad.
Meant a lot.
Yeah, well, thanks for
coming and visiting me.
I mean, I know I'm just an old
pain who reads your diaries and
number-twos in your drawers.
What?
(laughing): Bob,
you're the worst.
(laughs) Okay, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute, Paula.
Uh...
Rebecca tells me
that you're, uh,
first in your class
in law school.
Um...
I didn't know you
were smart like that.
Yeah, I am.
I'm really smart.
All right, you don't have to
hit me over the head with it.
But, uh, it would be nice if
you guys came back
and visited again.
Thanks, my friend's dad.
Oh.
Okay, I'll be in the car.
Okay.
(chuckles)
(knocking on the door)
- Hi.
- Hi.
How was your trip?
So, remember the day I chased
you around the conference room
and then jumped on you like
a flying squirrel move?
(laughs) I do.
Yes.
(laughs) Okay, stand back.
Mmm.
Are you sure this is okay
with your therapy thing?
Just shut up.
What?
We shouldn't keep pie in here.
Hey, honey.
How's your dad?
Same.
Mm, want some?
Sure.
So, I want to talk to
you about something.
It's important.
If I could...
go through a magical stone wall
and pick any man in any time
period in any universe...
I would pick Brad Pitt
in Thelma & Louise.
Strong choice.
Me same.
And when he turned me down...
(laughs) ...I'd pick you.
Really?
Yeah.
Every day of the week.
Right back at you.
REBECCA: So, I went to
Buffalo, drank a ton of vodka,
sexted with a guy, damaged a
house with darts and urine,
got in a car with a drunk guy--
oops-- watched that guy threaten
another guy with a gun, and I
farted a ton on the plane on the
way back because no
one could hear it,
and I just had a ton
of sex with my ex-boss.
So, how's that for getting
out of the therapy bubble?
Wow, that is not in
any workbook I know of.
You know, my whole life, I've
only known how to be, like,
really good or really bad.
But being a human...
...is living in that
kind of in-between space,
it's making mistakes, and
that's very scary, but...
also very cool.
Great work.
You, my friend, get an
A-plus on your C-plus.
Yes!
And I got this just for you.
Pick one.
Oh.
(sniffs) Oh, yeah.
It smells like grape.