Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Episode #3.8 - full transcript

♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪

♪ This is what you've done to me ♪

♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪

♪ This is what I always want to be ♪

♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪

♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪

- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪

♪ Want to be crazy ♪

- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪

♪ Want to be crazy ♪

♪ To clarify, yes,
no, on the crazy ♪

♪ We hope this helps. ♪


Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Mr. Plimpton Sr., how
wonderful to see you!

- Pop, you're here.
- Were you asleep?

- Were you feeling ti-ti?
- No, I was, um, I was... sick?

AUDRA: Hello, Bert.

How long have you been a
diagnosed schizophrenic?

16 years.

DARRYL: Maybe having a baby

started out as a whim, but it's
what I want for my life now.

You don't want a baby, maybe not ever.

This is not Josh's fault.

It's not even about Josh.

Maybe it never was.

JOSH: I'm spiraling.

I feel like there's no ground
under me, you know?

I'm here for you.

(Rebecca moaning)


(moans softly)

- Whoa. Good morning.
- (giggles): Hi.

Hi, how are you?

I am so great.



I have an idea.

Why don't you... take the day off today

and let's do something fun like...

go to Raging Waters.

Oh, I'd love to if water
parks weren't disgusting.

Oh... And I have a deposition today.

But, then tonight, I'm
taking you to a fancy dinner

in Beverly Hills.

(squeals): What?

Yeah, I made reservations.

It's a bit of schlep, but...

(laughs) Wait, since when

do you use the word schlep?

Oh, well, I've been
watching a lot of Seinfeld.

I have a Jewish girlfriend, after all.

(squeals): Girlfriend?!

Wow, you are squealing a lot today.

(squeals): Only 'cause
you're such a mensch.

- Oh, oh, this again, okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, all right.

(both moaning)

(shower running)

How's your shower?

He can't hear me, it's fine.

(sighs contently)

(birds chirping)




I scooped up his shirt and I smelled it.

But I didn't just smell it,
I-I buried my whole face in it.

And it smelled so good.

It smelled like the
yummiest parts of his armpit.

- I wanted to live in it.
- Don't panic.

Okay? You felt intimacy
and affection, that's okay.

But is it, though? For me,

first it starts out as
intimacy and affection

and then I get one little love kernel...

That's what I call them...
And the next thing you know,

you know, I'm buying a
shrub costume and hanging

someone's teddy bear from a
closet rod by a karate belt.

- What?
- We'll talk about that later.

The point is,

I am worried how much I'm into this guy.

Is it bad? Is-is-is it bad?
Please tell me it's not bad.

It feels so good, but is it bad?

Rebecca, you're here.

You're in therapy, working
hard, addressing your issues.

Okay, all you have to
do is slow down a bit.

Just be mindful as you get
to know Nathaniel better.

Okay, be mindful as I
get to know him better.

I can do that.

Just one more thing.

Oh, lord.

Is it bad that I'm wearing this?

It's not great.

PAULA: Hey, Darryl. You ready?

We got some things to go
over before the deposition.

What is that? Is that a hooker catalog?

It's not safe for work, buddy.

Hey, while I'm busting
your balls, I got to say,

it stinks in here.

The taxidermy, the hides, the feathers.

There's so much dead Southwestern stuff

here, it's like CSI: New Mexico.

This is my heritage.

Honey, if you bought it at a
gas station, it ain't heritage.

So, can you put away the
hooker book and let's go.

This is not a hooker book.

In and amongst these pages

is the potential mother of my child.

You mean, a surrogate?

No, the surrogate is a nice lady

from Chino Hills whose already done this
for a few other families.

These are the egg donors.

These are the women whose DNA
I'm gonna be commingling with.

Wow, Darryl.

I got to say, I am proud of you.

I thought after your breakup,

you would just dissolve into a puddle,

but you are forging ahead all alone.

That's exactly the problem.

I feel like I'm picking
a future for this baby

and it's all on me.

What if I pick the wrong person?

- What if I mess this up?
- (sighs)

I am trying not to meddle
in people's lives so much,

but I can see you need help.

Also, catalog shopping
and judging people

are two of my best events, so...

(laughs) why don't I
just pull up a tom-tom

and take a look.

(clears throat) That's
a priceless antique.

Oh, please, I know off-price
retail when I see it.

Oh, this is easy. Here we go.

Okay, rapid-fire:

Crooked nose, snaggletooth,

from Nevada, weird mole,

dumb scarf, likes cats,

dimple on one side, clearly drunk,

no chin, sloping chin,

three chins, vegetarian.

Oh, my God, I didn't
notice all these bad things.

I don't want my child to go through life

with something like just one dimple.

It's already gonna have just one parent.

Aw, Darryl. Darryl,
don't worry about that.

I mean, yeah, okay, they'll
only have one parent,

but... it's a good one.

You think I'm a good parent?

I do.

You know, the first time
I saw you with Madison,

you know what I thought?

“Oh, this is what he's good at”"

Hey, when do we get to go
through the guy catalog?

What do you mean?

I'm providing all the guy stuff.


So... all your stuff still works?

It's not expired?

Well, I don't know.

I mean...

they haven't tested it yet.

Oh, my God, what if my guy stuff is bad?

I didn't even think of that.

Tell you what.

You go to the doctor right
now, get your mayonnaise tested.

While you are doing that, I...

will find us... the right girl.

Don't we have to go to the deposition?

Oh. (groans)

You go.

That is boring compared to this.

This is a chance to
create the ultimate human.

(laughs diabolically)

Get out. Go.

Oh... Mmm...

That was really good
Italian food tonight.

Ooh. You know what was even better?

I'm gonna say the sex we just had.

- Yep.
- Mmm.

Hey, I was thinking about it and...

I want to get to know each other better.

Outside of the, the sex.

Okay, yeah, let's do it.

Yeah. Uh, all right.

Let me think of a question for you.


Ooh! Okay, here's one.

- Tell me about your childhood.
- Well, I don't know,

I don't think we need
to talk about that.

Oh, no, no, please, tell me.

I want to know, what was little
Nathaniel's life like? Hmm?

Well, um, okay, my parents...

are... not super warm.

Um, I was kind of a lonely kid.

I didn't have any siblings.

I was good friends with the gardener,

which is why I hablo español.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm just picturing,
like, little Nathaniel

wandering around, little-little bow tie

and knee socks like Prince George.

(chuckles) Okay, well, it wasn't so bad.

My mom and I, uh, we actually
have a pretty good relationship.

Um... my dad and I...

not so much.

Our relationship consists mainly

of him glowering and me cowering.

Sometimes I wish we were closer.

You know?

Or close at all.

Or like, knew each other.

Wow, I've, uh, I've
never said that to anyone.


I mean, I've talked to Esteban about it,

but I've never had a
girlfriend who, you know,

wants to get to know me like you do.

Well, have you talked to
your father about this?

Have you told him you
wish you were closer?

You should tell him.

No, God, I could never.

He should know how sweet you are.

- Am I?
- Yes.

Wow, it's crazy that you think that.

I just... (sighs)

I just wish there was some
way for your father to know

how wonderful you are.

PAULA: She's perfect.


Number 456H76.

I have been through this entire book

and she is the only acceptable one.

College educated, doesn't
smoke, left-handed...

That means creative. When
asked for their pastimes,

she's the only one who did not
mention the beach or her dog

or going to the beach with her dog.

Also, no duck lips, no contouring,

no fake eyelashes, no
posing on a flamingo float.

She is the one.

I don't even have a second choice.

Oh, yeah, she looks nice.

She's got kind eyes.

Your welcome.


Hello. I would like to place
an order for Mr. Whitefeather.

We would like one egg
from number 456H76, please.

What do you mean it's not available?

So, you have it, but I can't have it?

Do you have the egg or not?

(yells): It's in the...

It's in the catalog.


It's unbelievable.

Apparently these women can
just opt out of being donors

whenever they want,
even though their eggs

are still in the vault.

Oh, it's so unfair, frustrating.

♪ Coffee time George ♪

♪ Time for George's coffee ♪

♪ A little time just for George? ♪

♪ He's gonna make himself a cup ♪

- ♪ He's gonna drink it up, he's... ♪
- REBECCA: Psst.

Oh, hey, Rebecca.

How are you? It's good to see you.

Shut up. Just meet me
in the bathroom now.

Ladies', mens', what's happening?

- (Rebecca sighs)
- What are you doing?

I mean, why are we sneaking around?

Okay, listen.

Cool. No one's here.

I don't work here anymore

and I just can't deal with
people right now, being like,

“Oh, how are you? Are
you feeling better?”

And, “I'm glad you're not dead”"

and, “If you were so depressed,
why didn't you lose weight?”

(gasps) I don't think
anybody would say that.

I like your very normal body.

I think it's brave.

Blech. Okay.

Point is, I just can't
deal with people right now.

But, I need you to do something for me.

I don't have access to the
company database anymore

and I need you to forward
me Nathaniel Sr.'s calendar.

I'll tell you why. I'm gonna

accidentally... on purpose...
Run into Nathaniel Sr.

So I can repair his
relationship with Nathaniel.

He needs to know how wonderful

and sweet and thoughtful Nathaniel is.

- My Nathaniel?
- Yes, our Nathaniel!

For instance, he always makes sure

that I am taken care of
first, if you get my drift,

and his dad needs to
know things like that.

Okay. Yeah, no, I don't
think this is a good idea.

Shut up!

I'm sorry. That was mean.

Shut up.

Just get me Nathaniel Sr.'s calendar.

I don't think that's a good idea.

It is an invasion of privacy,
and I don't work for you.

Okay, you know what? I respect that.

It's just, if you don't do this,

I will try to kill myself again,

and this time, I'll succeed,
and the note will blame you.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, so,

come on, scurry and
get it. (snaps fingers)

Otherwise, uh, uh...
(imitates rope pull, gunshot)

Oh, my God. I'm just...


Joshua, darling,

this is not great.

You haven't packed at all.

You're moving out, and this
closet is still full of junk.

(sighs): Oh.

You know I need this whole room
for my in-home daycare business.

This is the toddler room.

The muralist is coming on Monday.

(sighs) She's painting a wonderful

dolphin scene.

Dolphins? Are you kidding?!

You never let me have a dolphin
mural, and I love dolphins.

They're the princes of the sea.

When I was a toddler, I just had walls.

Why are you making me move?

I don't want to move.

But I need this room,
sweetheart. You know that.

And it will be so fun

living with Hector and his mother.

She lives near Souplantation.

You love Souplantation.

I'm just going through a tough time.

Too much change.

I'm still on probation with Aloha,

I had to quit Home Base
after my zit explosion.

And I went through

this really intense thing with Rebecca,

who, come to find out,
never really cared about me.

I'm in a lot of flux.

(whining): Flux!

Josh, please.

Just pack the closet, my sweetheart.


REBECCA: I think I can really

bring Nathaniel and
his dad closer together.

You know, bridge the
gap between them, and

I have such a great plan for doing that.

- Hmm. I wonder about that.
- What?

It feels like you're putting
yourself out there again.

No, I'm being very mindful,
like we talked about.

And I'm using the exact tools

that we have all learned here

in group therapy with my friends,

Lana and Clarice and Bert

- and Jo... illson.
- Rick.

My name is Rick. I tell you every week.

You full-on forgot his name.

Yes, I did, but Rick,

I mean, doesn't even know my name,

and he barely shows an interest in me.

If you ask me, your over-involvement

in your dude's life is very
problematic, Rebecca Nora Bunch.

- Oh...
- (laughs)

- BERT: Snap.
- Didn't you tell us other stories

about you trying to run into people?

If you ask me, the whole
thing sounds very “O”"


Oh. No, Lana, it's not O-bsessive.

I agree with L. Seems “O.” B-T O.

Can we just use real words?
Is that so much to ask?

BERT: Listen, Rebecca,

I know how easy it is to get obsessed.

I also get intense about stuff.

I get very maniacally

fixated on things, and
that's why they thought

that I was a paranoid schizophrenic,

but they were obviously wrong.

I am borderline,

and that's why I can't
trust them or anyone else,

because they're all out to get me!

Bert, hey, hi. Look at
me. Let's take a breath.

Were you saying that to him or me?
'Cause you were looking right at me.

I don't need to take a breath.
Bert does,

- and Rebecca definitely does.
- How dare you.

I think we all need
to take a deep breath.

(all inhaling deeply)

(all exhaling)

SHIN: That feels better.

- Lana didn't breathe.
- You can't make me.

Okay, everyone,

I hear you. I appreciate
everyone's advice,

and I am being present and taking it in.

And Lana, it's true, okay?

I did spy on people in the
past, and it was unhealthy,

but this time, it's not that.

I'm doing something nice

for someone that I care about.

Which is okay, right, Dr. Shin?

Doing nice things is fine.

Overextending yourself because
you're idealizing someone

is what I want you to keep an eye on.

Okay. Okay, my eyes are
on that. My eyes are on me.


Well, hello, number 456H76.

(Paula laughs)

Oh, it's too easy.


I'm Paula. Do you have a second?

- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, excuse me, Miss,

do you have any magazines
with men in them?

Sure. I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

I... I'd like to hang onto 'em both.

Oh, of course. Whatever brings
all your boys to the yard.

Oh, thank you.

That is really
professional of you to say.


GEORGE: What am I doing here?

I got you his schedule.
I want out of this scam.

Well, sorry, but you're
my driver and my wingman

and co-conspirator and my
suicide prevention buddy.

What don't you understand
about this relationship?

Put on these pants.

Just do it here right now.

Well, I can go to the bathroom.

There's no time, and don't worry.

I know what you got down there.

I've seen plenty of them in my day.

Well, I'm-I'm wearing
underwear, so you wouldn't...

- Just put on the damn pants!
- Okay. Oh, well, no!

What are we doing?
Where are we even going?

I'm so sad I don't have the
ability to fire you right now.

Tell me, or I'm out.

Oh, really? 'Cause boop,
boop, glug, glug, glug.

- “It was George. George made me do it”
- Then I'll do it, I'll do it.


So, Nathaniel Sr. Will
be here any second,

and when he gets here,
I am going to walk over

and just casually strike up
a conversation about golf.

I stayed up all night watching
old Masters Tournaments,

yeah, memorizing stats.

Oh, here's one. For
instance, did you know

that Arnold Palmer won 92 tournaments,

and is not just a beverage?

- (car door opens)
- Oh, there he is. There he is.



REBECCA: Okay, he's not
really dressed for golf, but...

All right, so we're
just gonna walk up to him

and be like, “Oh, I think

“you're Nathaniel Plimpton, Sr.

I'm kind of dating
your son.” All right.

Come on. Oh.


Wait. He's walking the wrong way.

What? Where is he going?

Ooh. Hmm?

- Who the hell is that?
-(car door closes)

Where is Nathaniel Sr. going?

I don't know.

It could be a drug deal or an affair.

Probably ride-sharing app.

All right, well, come
on. Let's follow him.

What now?

Well, if something weird is going on,

I have to get to the bottom of it.

I owe it to Nathaniel, so, let's go.

(sighing): Oh.

(sucks in through teeth)


Good-bye, baseball I
caught at Dodger Stadium.

Good-bye, volleyball I
caught at Redondo Beach.


Oh. Good-bye, tissue
from the cold I caught

from the hot girl in algebra class.


Oh, man! Oh!


Oh! I can't throw this out.

This has all my favorite
karaoke tracks on it.

What? The batteries still work.



- (chiming)
- “First Love!”

Love this song.

(echoes): Hello. Check, one, two, three.

- Oh.
- (upbeat melody plays)

MAN: ♪ Tonight I'm looking back ♪


♪ I'm watching the pains
flick across the flames ♪

♪ Of a million memories... ♪

You don't know me, but I
have a confession to make.

Does it have anything
to do with the fact

- that you've been stalking me?
- What?

I've seen you skulking around
the park for the past hour.

I'm flattered, but I'm into men. Sorry.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no. I...

I have to talk to you urgently.

So what is up with you taking
your eggs off the donor site?

I have a dear friend who really, really,

really wants to make
a baby with those eggs.

Okay, so this is not
appropriate or legal.

So I'm just gonna reach for
my phone and call the police.

Oh, no, no, no! What do
you want? What do you want?

Ooh! How about store credit
at an off-price retailer?

I just returned a tom-tom thingie

that you can kind of sit on.

Okay, look, this is
none of your business,

and I'm sorry for your friend,

but I'm not donating anymore.

I graduated, and I'm getting
married, and I'm moving on.

But your picture is still there,
and we fell in love with you.

And-and you already donated the egg!

I mean, it's just sitting there on ice.

All-all you have to
do is sign a release.

Please, please, please
let us have the last one.

He needs it.




Oh, my God, I am so nervous.

What if my swimmers are no good?

What if I can never again climb

the sacred mountain of fatherhood?

Are you, like, even listening?

I got the yank bank on the horn.

- Oh, God.
- They're on line four.

Give 'em your cell, would ya?

I don't like to vomit at work.

Thanks for the update.

This is Mr. Whitefeather.



Oh, is it bad? Are they slow?

Are they dead? Were there any?


(upbeat rhythm plays)


♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

Oh, God, this is gonna be gross.

♪ My sperm is nice and healthy ♪

♪ In terms of sperm, I'm wealthy ♪

♪ I'm like Warren Buffett,
I got so much of it ♪

♪ That's what the doctors tell me ♪

♪ My point is in a nutshell ♪

♪ Each time I bust, I bust well ♪

♪ I got the quantity
and the quality ♪

♪ No IUD is stopping me ♪

♪ 'Cause my semen's
steaming like a demon ♪

♪ And all the
surrogates be screaming ♪

♪ Just give me some of that
premium grade baby batter ♪

♪ I never splatter ♪

♪ My sperm, my sperm is
no cause for concern ♪

♪ My sperm is healthy,
my sperm is healthy ♪

♪ Aw, shucks, gee whiz ♪

♪ I got the best sperm in the biz ♪

♪ My sperm is healthy,
my sperm is healthy ♪

My sperm is healthy.

♪ ♪

Brad, you, too?

♪ Even though I'm no teenager ♪

♪ My boys still throw a rager ♪

♪ They get bottle
service in every cervix ♪

♪ Blowin' eggs up like a pager ♪

♪ Every lady's gettin' fertilized ♪

♪ Got a diaphragm? It's
gettin' pulverized ♪

♪ My sperm shines
brighter than the sun ♪

♪ So wear special glasses
or avert your eyes ♪

♪ Give thanks, my tank's
not shooting blanks ♪

♪ I'm in a league of my
own just like Tom Hanks ♪

♪ Not a castaway but I blast away ♪

♪ That thing I do
is inseminate you ♪

♪ With my sperm, my sperm ♪

♪ The tests have all confirmed ♪

♪ His sperm is healthy ♪

♪ His sperm is healthy ♪

♪ Aw, shucks, gee whiz ♪

♪ My sperm just aced the quiz ♪

♪ My sperm is healthy ♪

♪ My sperm is healthy... ♪

My sperm is healthy.


Thank you.

REBECCA: Well, they look very cozy.

Think we can rule out ride-share.

Not necessarily.

You know, I've actually
had some of my best dates

when I was paying by the mile.

Ugh, geez, I need a new sidekick.

You make me so sad.

(quietly): Okay.

Okay, who is that?

Wow, that girl looks young
enough to be his daughter.

Hey, old man.

She is his daughter.

That's his mistress
and that's his daughter.

Oh, my God. I mean, this is...

I just uncovered years
of-of-of family secrets

and pent-up anger
and-and-and secrets.

Did I say secrets?

I think I said secrets. I mean,

this is way better than
the little bits of love

I was gonna have to try to wring
out of his dried-up old dad.

This is something so much better.

I-I-I got him a nice, juicy,
wonderful, little sister.

Ah, I'm amazing.

I... no, I don't think
you're seeing this

the way people are gonna see it.

MRS. HERNANDEZ: You have to
tell Darryl the donor said no.

I will get to it.

Will you ease up already, Fonzie?

Topical reference. Good one.

PAULA: Good night.

- PAULA: See you.

Number 456H76.

What are you doing here?

I thought about it.

- I'll do it.
- (gasps) I'll call the bank

- and tell them to release my last egg.
- Oh, thank God!

There's just one thing I want

- which is to...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

We can talk about details
later, but right now,

I am gonna run upstairs
and tell Darryl it is on.

Thank you! Thank you so much!



It is so cute how you do that.

- Eat food?
- Yes.


You know, I keep thinking
about the sad thing

that we were talking
about the other day,

about how you were lonely as a kid.

I just keep picturing
you in footie pajamas,

- sitting on Santa's lap...
- (chuckles)

being all sad and lonely.

But when you were
sitting on Santa's lap,

like, what did you wish for?

- Did you ask for a puppy or a kitty...
- Hmm.

Or a little brother or sister?

- That's what you asked for, right?
- Uh, no.

I mostly asked for treasury bonds.

Okay. But, but if you had had
a little brother or sister,

that would've made you so happy, right?

Yeah, I guess.

- Hmm, might've been fun.
- Yeah?

- Let me get these out of the way.
- Okay. (clears throat)


♪ Now that you're mine ♪

♪ I will take good
care of you, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Life wouldn't be worth ♪

♪ Living ♪

♪ As I do here ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ I love you in a precious way ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, yeah. ♪

Oh, no.

You're still doing karaoke videos?

You've been up all night, sweetie.

You haven't even packed your closet.

I know, I'm just, I'm getting nostalgic.

The times in my life when I
sang along to these songs...

I mean... those moments are all gone.


Okay, Josh.

I understand what you're going through.

Really, I do.

But it's time to have
a little conversation.


♪ ♪

(mic feedback whines)

♪ ♪

♪ My son, my beautiful child ♪

♪ You brought me joy ♪

♪ You've made me smile ♪

♪ But now that you're grown ♪

♪ And you're a man ♪

♪ Why are you still here? ♪

♪ I don't understand ♪

♪ It's time to get your
ass out of my house ♪

♪ I don't care where you go ♪

♪ I just want you to know ♪

♪ You've got to get your
ass out of my house ♪

♪ Seriously ♪

♪ Why do you still live with me? ♪

♪ Year after year ♪

♪ You're always here ♪

♪ So let me be clear ♪

♪ I want you to disappear ♪

♪ Just in case you had any doubt ♪

♪ It's time to get your ass out... ♪

Okay, I get it.

I should've packed up the closet.

You're right. You're totally right.

I'm... you don't have to keep singing.

♪ My son, perhaps that was mean ♪

♪ But I think you should know ♪

♪ How frustrated I've been ♪

♪ That Dad and I can't have sex... ♪


- ♪ As loud as we want ♪
- Uh...

♪ So follow along with
this highlighted font ♪

♪ And please just ♪

♪ Get your ass out of my house ♪


- ♪ 'Cause I'm not in the mood ♪
- _

♪ to keep on buying your food ♪

♪ Good God, just get
your ass out of my house ♪

♪ My church friends
think it's a shame ♪

♪ They say my son is so lame... ♪

What's up with the random rowboats?

♪ You can sleep in the park ♪

♪ You can sleep on a bus ♪

♪ You can live anywhere ♪

♪ As long as it's not with us ♪

♪ Thanks to your feet, this
house smells like sauerkraut ♪

♪ So, my dear child ♪

♪ Get your ass out. ♪

(mic feedback whines)

Everyone, get used to speaking softly,

hand-sanitizing constantly

and never bringing uncut
grapes to the office again.

There's gonna be a baby in here.


My God, tell me everything.

Oh, Paula, I am so excited.

They're putting my hot sauce
on the eggs this morning,

and the surrogate is on call

and as soon as the
embryo starts to divide,

they can implant it.

(laughs): Oh, that's so great.

(phone chimes)

Would you excuse me for a minute?

- Sure.
- Okay.


What's this text about money?

He already paid you.

Yeah, but not enough.

You left before I could
finish the other day.

Yes, I gave you my egg,

but I had terms.

You see, the way you approached
me was a bit unorthodox

and I would hate for
the police to find out

that you violated my
anonymity and stalked me.

That would be a bummer.

- What?
- So, I'd like to be paid

in monthly installments

for the rest of the baby's life.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

(laughs): Wait.

You're blackmailing me?!

And you're a smoker.


But you checked “no smoking.”


Oh, my God, you're a horrible person.

I can't believe I picked
you out of a catalog.

If you were a sweater,
I would send you back,

or at least put you in
the front hall closet

for six months while I
intend to send you back.

Whatever. You're stuck with me.

Your friend's making a
baby with me right now.

No. Not on my watch.

I am, I am stopping this right now.

WOMAN: Thank you for calling the
San Fernando Egg Donor Center.

Hi. Stop. Hold the baby presses.

Just-just don't fertilize.
Don't do it. Just keep

- the huevos out of the rancheros.
- We're closed for the day.

Hello? Hello? Please
leave your name and number

after the beep and we will get
back to you... Wait. H... no.

During our normal business
hours. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So what are we doing here?

Why are we meeting a client in his dump?

I am so sorry. I lied to you.

There is no client. She made me do it.

I tried to stop her, but I-I couldn't.

It's Rebecca. She is a train

and you can't get off. And you're trying

to pull the brake, but
the next thing you know,

you're shoveling more
coal into the engine.

I don't know how trains work.

I am so sorry that I hit your car.

Uh, but a dozen donuts is
the least that I can do.

Ugh, I don't want a dozen donuts.

I want your insurance information.

I've been asking you for
that for half an hour.


What's-what's happening here?

A surprise.

An impish ruse, but
for the best of reasons.

Wait, what's going on here?

Did you hit my car on purpose?


Y-You hit her car?

Yes, yes, yes, but for
all the right reasons.

Nathaniel... (sighs)

meet your sister.

That's right, Nathaniel.
This is your sister,

sired by your father
and his secret whore.

I know this would be a shock at first.

WOMAN: Whoa, whoa.
Whore? And... sister?

What's happening?

And Nathaniel, what
are you even doing here?

You don't eat donuts.

Uh... (stammers) Sorry, you know him?

- You know your secret sibling?
- Okay, so, I'm gonna run away.

- You're not going anywhere.
- Yeah.

But how do you two know each other?

Her mom was my dad's
secretary for years, Janice.

Okay, right, and
they're having an affair.

WOMAN (laughs): No. My mom worked
for Mr. P. Sr. for 30 years,

so he pays for my tuition
and once in a while,

we invite him over to lunch.

Wait... (stammers) why all the secrecy?

Why does he pretend to play golf?

He has 150 employees.

You think he wants to
pay hundreds of tuitions?

Wait a minute.

How do you know he
pretends to play golf?

Um, uh...

Okay, I think we need to have a talk.


Oh... you did it, honey.

Don't you feel so much better?

No, I feel terrible.

And you're being so mean lately.

Joshy, what's really going on with you?

I don't know.

My whole life, I-I knew
what I was gonna do,

who I was gonna be.

Get a comfortable job, marry Valencia,

see you guys every weekend,

coach Little League,

go to church, hang out with my friends,

own a shave ice machine...

(sighs) But none of
it makes sense anymore.

I don't want those things now.

I know, growing up is hard.

I've been trying to remember
when it stopped making sense.

I... I moved back from New York,

I tried to settle back in,

but things were not right
between me and Valencia

because I started
spending time with Rebecca.

And that job at Aloha,

Rebecca also got for me
because she believed in me.

And then V and I split up,
also because of Rebecca.

When you think about it,

Rebecca's everywhere.

She changed me.

Made me think my life
could be different.

I could be special.

My God, she ruined me.

I spent my whole life in flip-flops

and she made me want closed-toed shoes.

I can't go back to my old life.

I-I got to find a new life!


- Hey, Mom!
- (snorts) Oh.


Those are not real problems.


God, I hope it's a girl.

I want to name her Daphnila or Sefarine.

Yeah, not names.

What's the matter with you?

Why aren't you more excited?

This baby was Frankensteined by you.

Yeah, no, it is.

I-I-I know. (scoffs)


What's wrong?

There are a couple of little details

that I neglected to tell you.

- (phone rings)
- Oh. Oh.


Hello, Dr. Ellerbe.



I'm gonna be a daddy?!

Oh, God, no.

Oh, the fertilization didn't take.

Thank God!

What? It didn't work?

But... Oh, no, no, no.

Darryl, number 456H76
was a blackmailing,

secret smoking bitch.

And I know that because
I tracked her down

and I gave her all
this blackmail leverage.

And I can't believe I did that.

Oh, God, I'm so out of practice.

So sloppy.

♪ ♪

So nothing happened?

There's no baby?

Oh, no, honey.

Not this time.

But this is a good thing.

I promise. And next time,

we're gonna get somebody so much better.


Okay, in another year.

A year?

Paula, it is really
expensive to buy those huevos.

I can only do it, like, once a year.

Oh, my God.

(softly): I'm so sorry.

(sighs) Oh...


I have to stop interfering
in people's lives.

I do it when I'm unhappy,
I do it when I'm happy,

and either way, it never works out.

Uh, doy.

I deserve that.


you said you wanted to talk,
but you haven't said anything.

(clears throat)

- I'm still processing.
- Okay.

Okay, that's healthy.


I will just, uh, I'll wait here

and eat until you're ready.

- Thank you.
- Great.

(huffs under breath)

Oh, God, just tell me.

Do you forgive me?

Are you gonna forgive me?

Please don't break up with me.

Just tell me, okay? Just
rip the Band-Aid off.

Are you gonna break up with
me? You're breaking up with me.

But are you? Are you
gonna break up with me?

Rebecca, what you did was absolutely...

It was over the top.

Inexcusable. I-I know.


you were trying to help.

Yes. Yes, I was, I really was.

The thing is, you and
I are really... different.

But that's part of
what I like about you.

And I feel closer to you than
I have to basically anyone.

You make me feel like I could
be a different... kind of person,

a person who expresses their feelings

and-and cries at movies and...

makes eye contact with homeless people.

So you're gonna forgive me?

Yeah, I think I will.

- (exhales)
- But you have to promise...

never to do anything
like that ever again.

I promise.

I swear.

Come here.

This table's really long.
I'm just gonna...

Very long.

I'm just gonna come
over there. Come on over.

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna

scoot over here.

Oh, hi.

REBECCA: Whew! So...

whew! I got away with it. (laughs)

- Mm-hmm.
- That was the wrong choice of words.

I mean, we worked it out.


Okay, I hear you.

And what I did was not the best idea.


But it came from caring and affection.

It wasn't about obsession.

No, what I did

was selfless and kind. It was too kind.

- Rebecca...
- I like this guy, okay?

I like him a lot.

I like him so much and
I want to be with him.

So, what, I can never
have a great relationship

because I have borderline
personality disorder,

is that what you're saying?

Not at all.

But doesn't it feel like

you're repeating some old patterns?

Your patterns with Josh, perhaps?


No, no, no. No, no, no.

The way I am with Nathaniel

is nothing like the way I was with Josh.

I just want to make
Nathaniel a better person,

and I want to make him

happy all the time and I want

to get to know everything about him

and I want to get to
know everyone in his life

and I want to have that feeling

that you get when you
really get to know someone

and it feels like glitter
is exploding inside of you.

Ah... Oh...


Okay. I've been thinking
about ways to raise money.

Here they are, rapid-fire:
Bake sale, car wash,

lap dances in the office... Here me out.

Not a lot of people know this,

but Mrs. Hernandez has a rack on her...

What the hell happened in here?

I sold it.

I sold all of it.

(gasps) Jackalope...

I know. I know.

People wanted to buy that junk?

Most of it, no.

I mean, I did have
one piece of turquoise

that turned out to be real.

(gasps) And then the rest

I just sold to stupid hipsters

at the Melrose flea market.

I want to try again
right away; I don't want to wait.

I am ready for this baby.

Well, that's great, Darryl.

And I promise, this time
I will stay out of it.

Oh, no, please don't.

Me and Tasmyline...

we need you, Auntie Paula.

Auntie Paula? Oh... (laughs)

- Oh, I like the way that sounds.
- I know. Me, too.

But I don't like the
way Tasmyline sounds,

so that is a hard, hard no on that.

What about Shatonka?


It means “lady truck.”

(birds singing)

REBECCA: I ran into Josh.

He made me feel warm inside,

like glitter was exploding inside me.

♪ ♪

(knocking at door)



Can I talk to you for a second?

(exhales) Okay. Sure, come on in.

I, um... (clears throat)

uh, came over to see you because...

there's something I never said.

Oh, God, Josh...

Look, if you're here to say sorry,

there's really no need.

Like... it's fine, stuff happens.

No, not sorry.

Thank you.

Wh... What?

Before I met you, I set the bar

so low for myself.

But you freed me from that.

Whatever my future holds,

it's different from
what I planned and...


that's because of you.


Now I'm, uh, learning to
break out of my patterns.

Well, Josh, thank you for coming here

and saying all these things.

This must have been hard.

It was.

And, um, you know, the truth is,

I'm a bit of a coward.

And I'm not great at
doing the hard thing,

even when I know it's right.

God, doing the right thing,
is there anything worse?


(exhales loudly)

there comes a time when...

(clicks tongue) it's what you have to.

Hey, Josh, not to be rude, but
there's something I need to do,

so can you get your ass out of my house?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.



(knocking at door)

- Hi.
- Hi.

Rebecca, what's wrong?

Nathaniel, I, uh...

I have to do something
I've never done before.


(clears throat, exhales)