Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
- Hey, Heath.
- Name's Heather.
I'm a student. I'm a student.
I'm a student?
So tell me some other
stuff about my future.
The wedding is in two weeks!
I just wanted to drop off
a little wedding present for you.
Does this have anything to do with
Robert and Harvard Law School?
- Who's Robert?
- Right, so Robert was my dog,
and he just left me one day.
- Robert, you know you can't leave me.
- It's over.
REBECCA: Josh is leaving me to become
- a priest.
- Sue him.
PAULA: Breach of contract,
financial damages.
REBECCA: Why doesn't anybody
understand what I really want?
Well, what do you really want?
I want him to face what he did to me.
Do you know what this person did to me?
You're gonna know everything
he did to me and every terrible
thing he made me do. Oh, my
God, I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
(panting) I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
I told him everything.
I told him everything.
Stop saying that.
And take off that stupid dress.
It's embarrassing.
- Ugh. What are you doing here?
- You have no one to talk to.
Your anxiety is so palpable,
it's manifested in human
form as me, who is you.
- I guess that makes sense.
- You told Josh
all the shady, lying crap that you did,
and you did some crazy things, bro.
Even I'm surprised, and I'm you.
Tracking his car,
breaking into his home,
spying on him while he
had sex with other girls?
I mean, who does that stuff?!
And then you confessed
it all to him. So stupid.
So now he knows the truth about you.
No. Wait. He doesn't
know the whole truth.
Uh-uh. He thinks Robert's a dog.
Yeah, everyone thinks that.
Yeah, and that's your only saving grace,
'cause if people found out
that Robert was actually a
professor that you stalked,
and then you tried to
burn down his apartment,
which got you put into a loony bin...
Hey, "loony" is a derogatory term.
Loony! Loony! Loony!
Ugh. The things that you
told Josh are unforgivable,
and once he tells your friends,
oh, they are all gonna be done with you.
He's not gonna tell anyone.
I mean, he's not even in West Covina.
He's up in priest school.
- Pre-school?
- Priest school.
So, yeah. Why would he tell anyone?
Uh, maybe because
you're about to sue him?
Yeah, you're gonna literally
force him to defend himself.
You handed him his defense
with that rant in the church!
Oh, my God, you're right.
Oh, my God, I didn't even think of that!
Of course you didn't.
Now, you need to call off that case,
you stalking, obsessive,
psycho, crazy...
I'm not crazy, I'm not
crazy, I'm not crazy.
Don't call me crazy!
♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy
♪ To clarify, yes,
no, on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
(smacks lips) What?
Well, you've been
standing there all morning.
And I thought maybe you threw your
back out, and I have a massager.
Actually, I have two... one, two.
So, turn around, let me get on in there.
- Get out of here.
- Oh. Okay.
(elevator bell dings)
Why are you anxious about this?
There's no need to be anxious.
It's easy. Just call off the case.
Let sleeping Chans lie. It's fine.
Also, you need to keep your
internal monologue internal
starting now. (sighs)
- NATHANIEL: Hey, Rebecca. Wait.
- What? What? What?
Um... (clears throat)
- Well, I, uh...
- Hmm?
I was, I was thinking about, um,
well, about the other night.
When I tried to kill Josh's grandfather,
that was weird.
Right? But the other thing
that happened between us...
That wasn't weird, that
was... that was cool, right?
Are you asking me if
us having sex was cool?
(laughs): No, I wouldn't do that.
That would be weird. I
wouldn't do that. That's...
It's just that ever since
the, you know, lovemaking,
- the sex-making, um...
- (clears throat)
... I haven't heard from you.
Yeah. Okay, so, um,
sorry. I've just been
a little distracted, and I
actually really can't talk now.
Oh, there's Paula. I got to go. Bye.
Hey, hey, hey, Paula.
Um, I need to talk
to you about the case.
Ooh! Yes. No, I need
to talk to you, too.
Um, okay, so you know our
favorite Internet thing?
Celebrities with cellulite that
look like kittens with yarn?
I forgot about that.
No, our favorite blog.
The Corset.
- Feminist news, nail art and more?
- Yes!
I tweeted at them, told
them a little about the case,
just enough to wet their whistle, and...
they love it!
They love it. They want to do
a piece on how the two of us
are using our legal acumen to
defeat the patriarchy, AKA Josh.
Me and you, two ladies of the law,
just standing shoulder to shoulder
with the scales of
justice and no shirt on.
Paula, we need to drop the case.
What? Why would we... ?
What?
(sighs)
So, listen, I appreciate
how hard you've been working.
I-I really do.
But I worry that our
case isn't strong enough.
What do you mean?
Okay, so you've taken the lead on this,
which I so, so, so appreciate,
but I was looking over
some of the filings
last night... your filings...
- Yeah...
- and I don't think
our legal bona fides are
where they need to be.
It's a cute case,
like, for a law student.
It's-it's-it's cute, and, like,
I see the effort behind it,
but I-I'm seeing the effort... too much.
Oh, my God.
From one lawyer to another,
someday, future, hopeful lawyer,
I want to let you know...
It's like if you had spinach
in your teeth, I'd tell you,
and right now, I want to let you know
on a professional level,
we have spinach in our case.
(exhales): I-I-I thought it was
good stuff, and I was wrong,
and I'm super embarrassed,
and I feel really stupid.
- No, no, no. No, don't feel stupid.
Don't feel stupid. - No, no, no. No.
Look, you're in school. You're learning.
- It's fine.
- That's what school is for.
Thank you, because I was about to file
all those documents. Oh, well, that...
- Which I will not do.
- Well, that would have been embarrassing.
- That would have been horrible.
- That would have been embarrassing.
And I will call the editor
of The Corset, obviously, and tell them
that we are not interested
in an interview. (sighs)
Smart. Now, that's a smart idea.
Yeah, but-but it's okay.
We move on. Right? We're done.
NED: ♪ Done,
done-done-done ♪
(to "Pomp and Circumstance"):
♪ Done, done ♪
♪ Done, done-done-done, done ♪
♪ Done ♪
♪ Done-done-done, done, done ♪
♪ Done, done-done, done-done. ♪
- Ned, what are you doing?
- You're done. Get it?
You're done with college.
What?
I'm not a great bursar.
I should have noticed
this earlier, but Heath...
Um, it's "Heather," actually,
so just one more syllable,
and then you're there.
Okay, Heather.
You've taken every course
we have, all of them.
You took men's hockey... twice.
Of course I did. The cool of the ice,
the sound of the puck hitting the stick.
What a rush.
Well, we don't let people stay here
after they've completed every course,
so, once you finish
marine biology next week,
you will be graduating.
No. No. No, no. I'm a student.
Oh, not after next week.
Here is your cap and gown.
Congratulations, Heather.
Spread your wings.
You're about to fly!
(whimpers)
Is everything okay in here, sir?
Yes. Why?
So, listen, Nathaniel,
you've hired and fired
me numerous times.
I've failed you at basically everything
you've ever asked me to do.
Does this lead anywhere other
than "you're fired" again?
But I see it. I see
what I can do for you,
what I can bring to this company.
I told you, we don't want to feature
your pottery in the lobby. Thanks.
That's not it. That was just...
That's one of the things that I offer,
and I think it's actually
still very much on the table.
What I was going to say, though, is,
I bring a lifelong
experience in rejection.
What are you talking about?
Look, I saw you out there with Rebecca.
She's blowing you off, sir, and I...
- I mean, it's real clear.
- That's not it.
We had sex, and now she's
busy, that's all. (sniffs)
Oh. (chuckles)
Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel,
Nathaniel...
I've been through this, okay?
And I know how to get you back in there
when you're being ignored and rejected.
(laughs) This is not rejection.
Okay, I don't get rejected.
I've never been rejected. Look at me.
I'm a white ten. I don't get rejected.
I get approved for loans.
I mean, that's so offensive to
both non-whites and non-tens,
but, okay, can I explain
it to you this way, sir?
All right, you gave it to her good.
She liked it.
Status up here, okay?
Then she leaves your apartment.
You're in bed
clutching your covers to
your chin like a child.
You call and text her.
Now you're chasing her
through the entire office,
being like, "Why won't
you call me?" Bam!
You got to get the power back.
You got to put the
"Plimp" back in "Plimpton."
- You mean, "Pimp."
- I do not.
Here's what you're
gonna do. Stay with me.
You are going to ask
her out on another date.
Then you're gonna make sweet,
sweet love to her, and then,
you leave, you do not call.
Where are you now?
You're plimpin'.
You're big plimpin'.
You're an idiot, but...
you make a certain kind of sense.
Thank you so much.
You know, my shoulders
are a little tight.
And I would love to help. Thank you.
(clears throat) And breathe.
I really thought this
stuff was all really strong.
Um, well, you know, it's-it's
hard to have perspective
on our own work sometimes, right?
YOUNG REBECCA: Psst.
Come on, got to talk to
you. Get to the bathroom.
No.
Means no and that's a lesson
for all you men.
YOUNG REBECCA: Hey, boobs.
Big ol' boobs.
- Over here. Get to the bathroom.
- Stop it.
It's like...
stop writing so many
books, Joyce Carol Oates.
Amen. I'm drowning over here.
You know who should write more books?
Michael Crichton.
He had all those hits and
then... (blows raspberry)
Yeah, he's dead.
What? Wait, really?
No.
I got to make some calls.
- Move, bitch.
- Okay!
(singsongy): Okay, let's
all get some coffee.
(laughs) I'll be right back.
Okay, what is wrong with you? I mean me.
- Check your phone, dum-dum.
- What?
You got an alert and you were
so busy making your best friend
question her self-worth
that you didn't even notice.
Okay. Fine.
Josh Chan started a live video?
Oh, my God.
I've been off the grid for a while.
Up here at the seminary, yo.
Talking to G.O.D. and, uh,
I came to a big revelation.
I have decided to leave the priesthood.
That's right, everyone.
Church is out of session for me.
I'm-a coming home.
Oh, boy.
Looks like someone's
leaving priest school.
And you know what that means.
Okay, no, no, no. It
doesn't necessarily mean
he's gonna tell everyone everything.
I got a lot to tell everyone.
A ton.
Like, a crazy amount.
But I want to tell everyone in person.
So, I'm shouting out to my friends.
If you want to get all the scoop,
head on over to Home
Base for happy hour today.
I'm gonna lay it all out for you.
The Home Base Bacon Boppers are on me.
See you then.
Chan out.
He's coming home
and he's gonna tell
everybody everything.
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
BOTH: What are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
BOTH: What are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
- Okay, don't panic, don't panic.
- I'm your anxiety manifested.
That's all I do. I got one mode.
Aah, let me think. All right.
Do you remember what
we did in seventh grade
to Tiffany Fendersmith when we were
running for student council treasurer?
- That was awful what we did.
- Yeah, but we had no choice.
She was gonna ruin our reputation.
She saw us stuffing our bra
with maxi pads in the locker room
and she was gonna tell everyone.
I know, but still, what
we did was pretty bad.
We had to, okay? We had to spread the
rumor that she had a brain tumor
that caused her to tell
pathological lies and it worked.
We won the election
and everyone called her
Tiffany Tumorsmith for years.
It was pretty low.
- I spiraled with guilt for months.
- Yeah, I know. I was there.
But what choice do we have?
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
So, we're gonna tell
people Josh has a tumor?
No.
We're gonna tell people
that Josh is the tumor.
I'm not following me here.
We're gonna discredit Josh.
So even if he tells people
what happened in the church,
it won't matter, 'cause
no one will believe him.
Me, follow me.
Hi, it's me.
Are you sitting down?
It's about Crichton.
Hey. I am so sorry about earlier.
You were totally right.
We need to stand proud
with our-our shoulders back,
and our head high, or
whatever it is you said.
I want to do the case and
the article with The Corset.
You said the case stunk.
No. No. That was fear talking.
- Really?
- I was afraid.
And, you know what, we need to get Josh
and we need to get him now.
So, should we take another look
at these case filings, though?
I mean, because, I mean, you have notes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
later, later, later.
Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon.
But, like, right now, I just,
I need you to call The Corset
and tell them it's go time.
I am ready to share
my truth... our truth.
I'm ready to be heroes.
Let's be heroes. Do
you want to be a hero?
Okay.
WOMAN: Heather.
You're finally graduating.
That's so great. You did it.
You've reached for the moon
and landed among the stars.
I guess so.
You-you guess so?
Heather, this is it,
your moment to shine,
to tell the world that it's your time.
Oh, God.
Do I have to sing an inspirational
musical theater song right now?
I just can't.
(flatly): ♪ What does
the future hold? ♪
♪ What will tomorrow bring me? ♪
(groans) ♪ What
story will be told? ♪
♪ What song is gonna sing me? ♪
Geez.
♪ This is my time to shine ♪
♪ Step out of the line ♪
♪ Throw open all the windows ♪
♪ Might be an uphill climb ♪
♪ But I just gotta find ♪
♪ What's at the end... ♪
Please don't make me say this.
♪ Of this rainbow ♪
♪ 'Cause the clock
just keeps on ticking ♪
♪ It doesn't care
that time goes by... ♪
What?
♪ The clock knows its destiny ♪
♪ So why don't I? ♪
Ugh.
♪ 'Cause today is ♪
♪ tomorrow's yesterday ♪
♪ Can't let the future slip away ♪
♪ Can't wait to meet
whoever I will be ♪
♪ 'Cause I am the moment ♪
♪ The moment is me... ♪
Ugh.
Oh, I guess it's time for a story.
♪ There's an old woman in the park ♪
♪ She looks so wise, so regal ♪
♪ Was she ever lost in the dark? ♪
♪ Did she ever soar like an eagle? ♪
- (eagle screeches)
- It's just, like, so on the nose.
♪ Old woman, please ♪
♪ tell me your tale ♪
♪ Did you succeed or did you fail? ♪
♪ Did you ever reach your destiny? ♪
Wait.
♪ I am the woman... ♪
Please don't say it.
♪ The woman is me... ♪
Ugh.
BOTH: ♪ We are the moment ♪
♪ The moment is ♪
♪ Me... ♪
BOTH: That was a living nightmare.
You get me.
Thank you so much for meeting us here.
We are massive fans of The Corset.
Oh, my God, such huge fans.
And we really think that
this story is gonna inspire
a whole new generation
of female attorneys
and-and show how the
law can work for women.
Yes, and by the way, we
would've met you at your office.
Oh, I don't have an office.
I can't afford it yet.
I'm working out of my mom's sun-room,
but today is her book club day.
They're doing four
Joyce Carol Oates books
and it's like, Joyce, enough.
- Like, we get it. Just stop.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, so, tell me more about
this lawsuit against your ex
and how he jilted you.
Well, you know, that's not the only
important part of the case.
Uh, 'twere it so simple
as that, but it 'twaint.
He jilted me, yes, but
the-the most important thing
people need to know is that he's a liar
and that anything that comes
out of his mouth is a lie
because he's a lying liar man.
Yes.
That's, um, that's
definitely part of it.
But, you know, I-I think of him more
as someone who failed to
perform their fiduciary
and emotional obligations,
and is, therefore,
- liable in a court of law.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure, sure, sure, sure,
sure. Yeah, b-b-b-but, but...
But circling back to the lies.
I mean, I-it's just so many lies.
Like, for instance, when
he comes back to town
and tells people crazy lies about me,
he is 100% lying because
he lies all the time.
Oh. Okay. Okay, what kind of lies?
Great question. I have an itemized list
of all the lies right here.
What is that? Is that exhibit "R"?
No. It's exhibits "L" and
"D," for Lies and Deception.
(chuckles) That's not
how we code exhibits.
"Josh lied about believing in God
and he only joined the priesthood
- to steal donations from the church"?
- Yep.
Wow. That's not great.
But, uh, I mean, you know,
even if he did, it's-it's
not really germane to our...
Wait. This guy is truly awful.
"Josh told his friend Josh Wilson... "
White Josh. You're gonna
want to use his street name.
"... that he was okay with gay people,
- but he's not."
- No, he's not. He doesn't like
the "L"s, the "B"s,
the "G"s, or the "T"s.
And he doesn't want any
of them to have restrooms.
- Hold on a second. What?
- D-Did you see the part
that he, uh, told his
Hispanic friend Hector
that he listens to his podcasts,
but he doesn't, specifically
because he's racist. Yeah.
He only listens to, like,
those white public radio shows.
- Oh.
- Yep.
Public radio? Josh?
I mean, is there a different
public radio? One with pictures?
Carly, you can see that
this is a huge story
about a man who embodies
deception and lies,
so we want to get it out
there as quick as possible.
Yeah. I'll get to work on it.
I'll probably be able
to run it this week.
Oh, a week. I mean, uh, that's just hard
because we actually have
a lot of other offers.
So if you want to be
the one to break this...
And I want it to be you, I really do...
You got to kind of Joyce
Carol Oates this thing
and (clicks tongue) publish it ASAP.
You know, preferably before happy hour,
because that's when people
check their phones the most.
Okay. I'll-I'll get to
work. I'll see what I can do.
- Great.
- Great.
(laughs) Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- So nice to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
Fighting the good fight.
Okay. I know you're
wondering why I never told you
about all of Josh's
hideous lies, but I...
I just wanted you to like him. Okay?
We worked so hard to land
him, and I don't know.
I thought I could change him. I-I...
No. No, no, no. I get it. I get it.
I... I guess, but I,
I mean, is that why you were afraid
to file the case and go public earlier?
Yes. Yes, that's why.
But it-it doesn't matter now
because we're doing the case,
and the article's coming out,
and hopefully it'll be
out before happy hour.
I mean, soon, soon.
Yeah.
_
I just can't believe it.
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
(louder): I just can't believe it.
(exhales)
Okay, so that was your cue to say,
"What's wrong, Heath?"
And then I would say,
"It's actually Heather."
And then we would talk about my problem.
Okay, uh, fine. What's your problem?
Okay, so my stupid college
is forcing me to graduate.
Oh, my gosh. Congrats. Mazel.
No, it's no mazel.
I don't want to graduate.
I'm a student.
I like saying, "I'm a student."
Marine biology is my last class,
and I'm sad... I
wanted to take it again.
It would give me more
time with Estrella.
I'm sorry, who?
Um, Estrella.
Our third roommate. Are you kidding?
The starfish I've been taking care of
for, like, three months.
Right there by the sink,
in the flawless synthetic
marine environment
I created for her.
Okay, honestly, I
thought that was a sponge,
so, you know, it's a good
thing I don't do dishes, right?
- You're literally the worst.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Um, all right, you
don't want to graduate.
So, you know, just fail the class,
and you can stay.
How do I fail? I'm doing so well.
Kill the sponge. Duh.
What?
Murder my starfish?
(groans) I mean, she doesn't have
a central nervous system,
so it wouldn't hurt,
but she does have five
eyes that look into my soul.
(screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my
God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
Look at this, look at this,
look at this, look at this.
- It's up, it's up, it's up... oh!
- _
(laughing)
It's even better than I imagined.
"Don't date this toxic man:
stand up to the patriarchy,
one Josh at a time."
Whoa, Josh is an anti-vaxxer?
I had no idea.
Can you forward this post
to everyone you've ever met
in your entire life?
Yeah.
Now, I knew Josh was a jerk
because he ditched Rebecca,
but he's also a homophobic
Holocaust denier?
- Did you know about this?
- Some of it, not all of it.
- (elevator bell dings)
- Hello, everyone.
Oh, are you all reading
it? Yeah. You forwarding it?
Are you gramming it, screenshotting it,
tweetin' it, sendin' it
to friends, group text,
all that jazz, yeah?
- You doing that?
- I can't believe all this.
Josh is so dishonest.
I mean, nobody's gonna believe
anything he says ever again.
Oh, my God, really? You think so?
'Cause that'd be great.
I mean, that'd be great
because he's... he's a liar,
and it's been really hard
and horrible, but, um,
but-but keep forwarding, okay? Yeah.
Poor kid.
(footsteps approaching)
- Hi.
- Hi, hi.
Uh, I'm actually, I'm
kind of busy right now.
You're gonna have dinner
with me, tonight, 8:00 p.m.
My place. Be there.
Uh, wow, I-I just, I...
I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
This guy has dirt on us, remember?
He almost killed someone for us.
You have to appease him.
Also, he's fly. You're
turning that down?
Say yes, dumb idiot.
Okay, actually, fine.
- See you then, 8:00 p.m.
- (elevator bell dings)
What?
(sniffs)
Ah, the smells of a man's boyhood.
I am that man. And that boy.
And I have a hood. (chuckles)
God, I love it when sentences work out.
(speaking indistinctly)
You're all here! What
up, y'all? Ooh-ooh!
Ha-ha, my bros!
White Josh and Hector and Chris.
Kev, baby.
You all look a little cranky.
You hungry?
Kevin, where are those Bacon Boppers?
Up your butt.
What's wrong?
Are you mad because
I left the priesthood?
Um, you guys told me to come home.
No, we're mad because
you're a lying liar lie-man!
WHITE JOSH: Okay, okay.
Calm down, bud. It's all good.
Josh, we just read a
crazy article about you.
What is going on, dude?
What article? What
are you talking about?
Well, read this.
It's gonna... it's gonna be a while.
Okay, well, wait. Th-This is all wrong.
This is not about me.
This article must be
about the other Josh Chan,
the one from Azusa, uh, uh,
but they used my picture.
Uh-huh. So you're saying
that there's another Josh Chan
that also dated Rebecca
and also tried to join the priesthood?
Maybe? Guys, you know me.
I-I would never do or say these things.
I don't know, Josh. It's on the
Internet. It's probably true.
HECTOR: I mean, some of it's true.
Like, sometimes you call me "amigo,"
and you know I don't like it.
WHITE JOSH: Yeah, and you know what?
Now that we're talking about this...
In fifth grade, you used
to call me "Fancy Pants."
They were fancy pants. So many pockets.
Gay pockets?
You always let me win in pinball?
How is that not a lie?
Oh, my God, I think it's working.
JOSH: Guys, guys, come on.
Don't you see who is
behind this? It's obvious.
I mean, look who's
quoted in this article.
- Joyce Carol Oates?
- Rebecca!
Those things in the
article all come from her,
and she's completely out of her mind.
Out of her mind?
Okay, dude, I mean, she's
a little peculiar, but...
No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm
telling you, I know the truth.
Yesterday she came up to
seminary in her wedding dress.
She told me the craziest
stuff I've ever heard.
She admitted she moved
here just to stalk me.
She's been spying on me since
the second she got into town.
She secretly
watched me have sex on
two separate occasions.
She put a GPS on my car.
She wore a secret camera to Thanksgiving
to spy on my family, she paid
thousands of dollars
to move up our wedding,
- and tried to murder Gravy.
- Say what now?
Anna's pretty Persian
kitty. Keep up, Hector.
I'm telling you, Rebecca's crazy,
and basically, a-a criminal
mastermind, too.
I-I bet you all have
cameras all over you.
Oh, my God. Do you hear yourself, dude?
This doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, she's a smart lawyer,
and you want us to believe that
she just blabbed all this
incriminating stuff to you?
- I don't know, amigo.
- CHRIS: Face it, dude.
The only person who sounds
crazy right now is you.
KEVIN: So, please leave, Joshua, so that
we can have a happy... hour.
(softly): Thank you.
Here you go, Chris.
- Oh, boy.
- YOUNG REBECCA: It's working!
Yeah.
Wow, it really is.
We're ruining him!
It's great.
Yeah.
Guess we won.
- PAULA: Hey.
- What?
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course.
- Justice is being served.
- Yes, it is.
Paula, um...
I just want to thank
you for supporting me,
you know, through all this.
You're a great friend. Thank you.
Well, honey, of course I support you.
I'm Team Rebecca, always.
And we are doing a good thing
with this case, I promise you.
- You're a role model.
- No, don't say that.
But you are.
You are like a Madonna,
Malala, Moana salad.
(both laugh)
- You really think I'm a role model?
- Yes, absolutely.
Hmm.
(muttering)
_
(sighs) I am not the crazy one.
(panting)
(clicks tongue)
Well, it's 8:30.
She's probably just a
little late, that's all.
I don't know, man.
- I'm sorry. I don't think she's coming.
- You're probably right.
(sighs) Damn it, George.
You were supposed to
protect me from rejection,
and all I got was more rejection.
Also, where do you get
off calling me "man"?
Of course. I'm sorry... sir.
I failed you.
How can I help now?
Should we grab a beer
and talk? Hash it out?
Really work through
some of those feelings?
George, I hate and
reject philosophically
all the things that you just listed.
No.
When I'm in this kind of mood,
I know what I need to do.
♪
♪ Uh ♪
♪ Feelin' low, ♪
♪ I
need some time to think ♪
♪ By myself, I pour another drink ♪
♪ So many thoughts keep runnin' ♪
♪ through my head ♪
♪ I can't stay here, ♪
♪ I hit da club instead ♪
♪ I'm poppin' bottles ♪
♪ just to clear my mind ♪
♪ Clear my mind ♪
♪ Bitches up on me ♪
♪ and they lookin' fine ♪
♪ We doin' lines, ♪
♪
they wanna go all night ♪
♪ Go all night, go all night ♪
♪ But deep inside there's ♪
♪ something still ain't right ♪
♪ So then... ♪
- ♪ I go to the zoo ♪
- ♪ Zoo, zoo... ♪
♪ Just kind of wander 'round the zoo ♪
♪ I look at the monkeys ♪
(chittering)
♪ Their eyes look like my eyes
♪ It's so relaxing at the zoo ♪
♪ Sayin' what's up to kangaroos ♪
♪ My boys awake
'cause they nocturnal ♪
- ♪ I really, really like the zoo ♪
- ♪ Zoo, zoo, zoo ♪
♪ Next night, I got this
bitch up in my 'rari ♪
♪ We drinking Cris,
we eatin' calamari ♪
♪ She tryin' to give me ♪
♪ neck, this life insane ♪
♪ But there's only one
thing that can ease my pain ♪
♪ I tell her get the hell out
- ♪ Then I go to the zoo in San Diego ♪
- ♪ San Diego ♪
♪ It's really such a better zoo ♪
♪ My favorite's
probably the cheetahs ♪
♪ But I ain't messin'
with no zebra ♪
♪ I know the night ♪
♪ guard at the zoo ♪
♪ Zoo, zoo, zoo ♪
♪ His name is Ron, my man's legit ♪
♪ He knows that I ♪
♪ love Panda Canyon ♪
♪ Sometimes he lets me ♪
♪ bottle-feed the cub ♪
♪ Cub, cub, cub ♪
♪ Man, when's it gonna stop? ♪
♪ When's it gonna end? ♪
♪ Sometimes, even ♪
♪ the zoo isn't enough ♪
♪ So then
♪ I go to the aquarium ♪
♪ It's like a zoo for fishies ♪
♪ I know the night
guard there, too ♪
♪ Wait, what the hell ♪
♪ happened to Susan? ♪
♪ He kicks me out, ♪
♪ here's what I do ♪
♪ I take my ass back to the zoo ♪
♪ Zoo, zoo, zoo, zoo. ♪
(slurps)
JOSH: This guy Trent gave that
to me the day of the wedding.
Eh, Trent is Rebecca's ex-boyfriend.
Weird guy.
Always wears turtlenecks.
Anyway, he gave this to me.
And you never opened it?
I was afraid to.
I-I knew it probably said
bad stuff about Rebecca,
and I didn't want to know what it was,
and I knew I had too
many doubts to marry her,
no matter what her past was.
So when I got to the
seminary, I just threw it out.
Then, like,
in the middle of the night, I
woke up, ran out to the trash,
grabbed it and put it in my duffle bag.
My Spidey-sense told
me I might need it.
And now, I think I do.
Because she is coming after me, man.
She's trying to ruin my life.
So now, I need to know what's in there.
Then you need to open it, Josh.
You're an adult now, dude.
These are your choices to make.
But what if there's anthrax,
or... a dead body in there?
Uh, you think there's a dead
body inside that envelope?
I don't know, like, ashes or
something with spirits in it?
Okay. You know what?
Let's... let's do it.
Let's just open the envelope. Okay?
Thanks.
Morning.
So, I didn't do it.
I didn't kill Estrella.
I was up all night looking
into each and every eye,
and I just, like, couldn't...
Hey, guess what, you know this
whole, like, role model thing?
I could get used to it.
Like, I just woke up to an
e-mail from... wait for it...
Sally Jessy Raphael's people.
Okay, so she's coming back.
She's starting a new show.
It's Web-based, it's streaming,
it's a podcast, I don't know,
but I'm very excited.
Right, so I guess I'm
gonna have to graduate.
And, if I'm gonna be the face
of a groundbreaking lawsuit,
I mean, I'm gonna need some
new feminist nail art, right?
Hey, do you want to come
with me later to get some?
- Sure. Well, thanks for listening.
- Oh, my God. Any time, babe.
Okay.
Okay, so I'm thinking the word "woman"
could be spelled out on my
fingers, but with, like, a "Y,"
or maybe just, like,
a bunch of unicorns.
I don't know. I'll text you.
(door closes)
(sighs)
All right, girl.
Guess we're gonna have
to cap and gown it.
The moment is me.
Ugh.
GEORGE: Sir, I've
been thinking about it,
and yes, we had a setback.
But I think there's still time
to change this power dynamic.
All right? I re-read The
Art of War last night...
George, we're way past all that.
You don't understand;
the zoo didn't work.
The zoo.
I feel the same way today
as I did yesterday.
It's awful. My stomach hurts.
I can't eat anything.
I'm doodling pictures of
Rebecca on every legal brief.
- I'm smiling at babies.
- Oh...
- Babies are disgusting.
- Mm-hmm.
This is more than sex and power.
This is something else.
Oh, no.
("Oh My God I Think I Like You" playing)
- Oh, my God, I think I like her.
- (elevator bell dings)
Hi. Did you hear about
Sally Jessy Raphael?
It's okay, I'll tell you
later. It's fine. Yeah.
Hey, Darryl, have you seen Paula?
Yeah, she was here earlier,
working on that case
that you guys have been doing,
that doesn't make any
money for the firm,
but I don't say anything about.
And then, suddenly, she
checked her messages,
and ran out the door.
- Messages?
- Yep. By the way,
the reason I was confused earlier
is that some of Michael Crichton's books
came out after he died.
They were published posthumously.
After he was a human.
What do I do?
What do I do, George?
I think there's only
one thing you can do.
I think you have to
tell her your feelings.
I told you I hate that kind of thing.
I know, I know, I know,
but I think you have to,
or you might regret it.
(dialing)
PAULA (on voice mail): Paula Proctor.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You
have one saved message.
BRAH: Hey, Paula. It's me, Father Brah.
We have an emergency.
It's about Rebecca.
Can you come down to the office?
Oh, uh, and for now, it's probably best
if you don't talk about this with her.
(exhales)
Uh, uh, Rebecca, wait.
- (sighs)
- Go.
So, you said it was
a Rebecca emergency... ?
(door creaks)
What is Josh doing here?
Paula, Robert is not a dog.
I drove through traffic
for "Robert is not a dog"?
Paula, why don't you have a seat?
Yeah.
(quietly): Why don't I just have a seat?
Paula, Robert was Rebecca's professor,
and, uh...
there were some things
that happened between them.
This is a restraining order
that he was granted after Rebecca
tried to burn down his apartment.
This is a sealed criminal indictment
for the attempted arson.
Now, instead of prison,
she was sentenced to
a psychiatric hospital.
These are the intake papers.
Now, according to Josh,
she hasn't told anyone in
West Covina about her past,
- and I know that I am using a calm tone
- _
right now, but, um...
I am, I'm freaking out.
Oh, my God. I mean, I... I had no idea.
No, I-I know. Um, it's
shocking for all of us.
It's like we never really knew her.
Yeah, you're screwed.
REBECCA: Okay, maybe-maybe
I, maybe I can talk to them.
- Maybe I can explain.
- Are you crazy?
We got to run. We got to start over.
What? Don't pack a pantsuit.
We don't need pantsuits!
Why are you panicking?
They're my friends, they love
me, they'll-they'll understand.
- They'll forgive me.
- Like Robert forgave you?
Like Josh forgave you?
Babe, trust me, you're going
straight back to that loony
bin unless we get out of here.
These people are not your friends.
You've never had friends
before, so why would you now?
No, you're right.
They're not my friends.
I mean, why would they be?
Who would like me? I'm gross,
I-I'm stupid and I'm a dum-dum.
Now pack a damn pantsuit
'cause you never know.
Okay, good point.
All right, well,
your anxiety has ruined your life,
so I guess I'm done.
I'm out of here.
What? No. Don't-don't leave me.
Please, I can't be alone.
I can't be alone. Please.
I can't be alone with my thoughts!
- (knocking on window)
- Oh, you came back.
Nathaniel? What are you doing here?
I'm here to tell you that
there are feelings inside of me
that are pertinent to you.
- Huh?
- I've tried to deny
my very embarrassing
and... human emotions,
but I can't, okay? So here they are.
(inhales, exhales deeply)
(clears throat)
I feel things for you.
Oh... God... oh.
Oh, that's what this is.
Listen. Okay, listen. Buddy, I've
been in your position before,
but now is not the time.
I-I got a whole thing going on, and...
I-I got to get the hell out of town...
Okay, great.
That's perfect. Let's get out of town.
I'll call my jet, tell them to fuel up,
- and we'll go, we'll go away together.
- No.
Go away together, no... right.
Oh, right. You have a jet.
Yeah, and I'll take you
wherever you want to go.
Rome, Paris? God, I
don't even know who I am.
I've never done anything
like this before.
This is... crazy.
What? No, don't, don't.
Don't, don't. Stop it. Stop...
Oh. Oh, wow. This is nice.
Oh, I'm really tired.
Ah. And you know what?
Rome sounds a lot better
than I was gonna do, which was
just drive until my gas ran out.
So you know what? Let's do it.
- Can you grab my bag?
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you for saving me.
You're like my knight in
shining armor right now.
Well, when you find someone
who melts the iceberg
that is your heart,
you save 'em right back because
you want tomorrow to
start today forever.
Okay, buddy, let's go.
Yeah, all right.
HEATHER: Rebecca, wait.
Paula called. You cannot leave.
Uh, just, uh, run. Just go
around her. It's fine.
- What?
- Just go around her. Just... Oh...
- No, I'm serious. Stop.
- Giddy-up! Giddy-up, horsey.
- Okay, well, uh, she's in my way now.
- You cannot go.
Rebecca, wait.
We need to talk about this.
- Hey, Heath.
- Name's Heather.
I'm a student. I'm a student.
I'm a student?
So tell me some other
stuff about my future.
The wedding is in two weeks!
I just wanted to drop off
a little wedding present for you.
Does this have anything to do with
Robert and Harvard Law School?
- Who's Robert?
- Right, so Robert was my dog,
and he just left me one day.
- Robert, you know you can't leave me.
- It's over.
REBECCA: Josh is leaving me to become
- a priest.
- Sue him.
PAULA: Breach of contract,
financial damages.
REBECCA: Why doesn't anybody
understand what I really want?
Well, what do you really want?
I want him to face what he did to me.
Do you know what this person did to me?
You're gonna know everything
he did to me and every terrible
thing he made me do. Oh, my
God, I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
(panting) I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
I told him everything.
I told him everything.
Stop saying that.
And take off that stupid dress.
It's embarrassing.
- Ugh. What are you doing here?
- You have no one to talk to.
Your anxiety is so palpable,
it's manifested in human
form as me, who is you.
- I guess that makes sense.
- You told Josh
all the shady, lying crap that you did,
and you did some crazy things, bro.
Even I'm surprised, and I'm you.
Tracking his car,
breaking into his home,
spying on him while he
had sex with other girls?
I mean, who does that stuff?!
And then you confessed
it all to him. So stupid.
So now he knows the truth about you.
No. Wait. He doesn't
know the whole truth.
Uh-uh. He thinks Robert's a dog.
Yeah, everyone thinks that.
Yeah, and that's your only saving grace,
'cause if people found out
that Robert was actually a
professor that you stalked,
and then you tried to
burn down his apartment,
which got you put into a loony bin...
Hey, "loony" is a derogatory term.
Loony! Loony! Loony!
Ugh. The things that you
told Josh are unforgivable,
and once he tells your friends,
oh, they are all gonna be done with you.
He's not gonna tell anyone.
I mean, he's not even in West Covina.
He's up in priest school.
- Pre-school?
- Priest school.
So, yeah. Why would he tell anyone?
Uh, maybe because
you're about to sue him?
Yeah, you're gonna literally
force him to defend himself.
You handed him his defense
with that rant in the church!
Oh, my God, you're right.
Oh, my God, I didn't even think of that!
Of course you didn't.
Now, you need to call off that case,
you stalking, obsessive,
psycho, crazy...
I'm not crazy, I'm not
crazy, I'm not crazy.
Don't call me crazy!
♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy
♪ To clarify, yes,
no, on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
(smacks lips) What?
Well, you've been
standing there all morning.
And I thought maybe you threw your
back out, and I have a massager.
Actually, I have two... one, two.
So, turn around, let me get on in there.
- Get out of here.
- Oh. Okay.
(elevator bell dings)
Why are you anxious about this?
There's no need to be anxious.
It's easy. Just call off the case.
Let sleeping Chans lie. It's fine.
Also, you need to keep your
internal monologue internal
starting now. (sighs)
- NATHANIEL: Hey, Rebecca. Wait.
- What? What? What?
Um... (clears throat)
- Well, I, uh...
- Hmm?
I was, I was thinking about, um,
well, about the other night.
When I tried to kill Josh's grandfather,
that was weird.
Right? But the other thing
that happened between us...
That wasn't weird, that
was... that was cool, right?
Are you asking me if
us having sex was cool?
(laughs): No, I wouldn't do that.
That would be weird. I
wouldn't do that. That's...
It's just that ever since
the, you know, lovemaking,
- the sex-making, um...
- (clears throat)
... I haven't heard from you.
Yeah. Okay, so, um,
sorry. I've just been
a little distracted, and I
actually really can't talk now.
Oh, there's Paula. I got to go. Bye.
Hey, hey, hey, Paula.
Um, I need to talk
to you about the case.
Ooh! Yes. No, I need
to talk to you, too.
Um, okay, so you know our
favorite Internet thing?
Celebrities with cellulite that
look like kittens with yarn?
I forgot about that.
No, our favorite blog.
The Corset.
- Feminist news, nail art and more?
- Yes!
I tweeted at them, told
them a little about the case,
just enough to wet their whistle, and...
they love it!
They love it. They want to do
a piece on how the two of us
are using our legal acumen to
defeat the patriarchy, AKA Josh.
Me and you, two ladies of the law,
just standing shoulder to shoulder
with the scales of
justice and no shirt on.
Paula, we need to drop the case.
What? Why would we... ?
What?
(sighs)
So, listen, I appreciate
how hard you've been working.
I-I really do.
But I worry that our
case isn't strong enough.
What do you mean?
Okay, so you've taken the lead on this,
which I so, so, so appreciate,
but I was looking over
some of the filings
last night... your filings...
- Yeah...
- and I don't think
our legal bona fides are
where they need to be.
It's a cute case,
like, for a law student.
It's-it's-it's cute, and, like,
I see the effort behind it,
but I-I'm seeing the effort... too much.
Oh, my God.
From one lawyer to another,
someday, future, hopeful lawyer,
I want to let you know...
It's like if you had spinach
in your teeth, I'd tell you,
and right now, I want to let you know
on a professional level,
we have spinach in our case.
(exhales): I-I-I thought it was
good stuff, and I was wrong,
and I'm super embarrassed,
and I feel really stupid.
- No, no, no. No, don't feel stupid.
Don't feel stupid. - No, no, no. No.
Look, you're in school. You're learning.
- It's fine.
- That's what school is for.
Thank you, because I was about to file
all those documents. Oh, well, that...
- Which I will not do.
- Well, that would have been embarrassing.
- That would have been horrible.
- That would have been embarrassing.
And I will call the editor
of The Corset, obviously, and tell them
that we are not interested
in an interview. (sighs)
Smart. Now, that's a smart idea.
Yeah, but-but it's okay.
We move on. Right? We're done.
NED: ♪ Done,
done-done-done ♪
(to "Pomp and Circumstance"):
♪ Done, done ♪
♪ Done, done-done-done, done ♪
♪ Done ♪
♪ Done-done-done, done, done ♪
♪ Done, done-done, done-done. ♪
- Ned, what are you doing?
- You're done. Get it?
You're done with college.
What?
I'm not a great bursar.
I should have noticed
this earlier, but Heath...
Um, it's "Heather," actually,
so just one more syllable,
and then you're there.
Okay, Heather.
You've taken every course
we have, all of them.
You took men's hockey... twice.
Of course I did. The cool of the ice,
the sound of the puck hitting the stick.
What a rush.
Well, we don't let people stay here
after they've completed every course,
so, once you finish
marine biology next week,
you will be graduating.
No. No. No, no. I'm a student.
Oh, not after next week.
Here is your cap and gown.
Congratulations, Heather.
Spread your wings.
You're about to fly!
(whimpers)
Is everything okay in here, sir?
Yes. Why?
So, listen, Nathaniel,
you've hired and fired
me numerous times.
I've failed you at basically everything
you've ever asked me to do.
Does this lead anywhere other
than "you're fired" again?
But I see it. I see
what I can do for you,
what I can bring to this company.
I told you, we don't want to feature
your pottery in the lobby. Thanks.
That's not it. That was just...
That's one of the things that I offer,
and I think it's actually
still very much on the table.
What I was going to say, though, is,
I bring a lifelong
experience in rejection.
What are you talking about?
Look, I saw you out there with Rebecca.
She's blowing you off, sir, and I...
- I mean, it's real clear.
- That's not it.
We had sex, and now she's
busy, that's all. (sniffs)
Oh. (chuckles)
Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel,
Nathaniel...
I've been through this, okay?
And I know how to get you back in there
when you're being ignored and rejected.
(laughs) This is not rejection.
Okay, I don't get rejected.
I've never been rejected. Look at me.
I'm a white ten. I don't get rejected.
I get approved for loans.
I mean, that's so offensive to
both non-whites and non-tens,
but, okay, can I explain
it to you this way, sir?
All right, you gave it to her good.
She liked it.
Status up here, okay?
Then she leaves your apartment.
You're in bed
clutching your covers to
your chin like a child.
You call and text her.
Now you're chasing her
through the entire office,
being like, "Why won't
you call me?" Bam!
You got to get the power back.
You got to put the
"Plimp" back in "Plimpton."
- You mean, "Pimp."
- I do not.
Here's what you're
gonna do. Stay with me.
You are going to ask
her out on another date.
Then you're gonna make sweet,
sweet love to her, and then,
you leave, you do not call.
Where are you now?
You're plimpin'.
You're big plimpin'.
You're an idiot, but...
you make a certain kind of sense.
Thank you so much.
You know, my shoulders
are a little tight.
And I would love to help. Thank you.
(clears throat) And breathe.
I really thought this
stuff was all really strong.
Um, well, you know, it's-it's
hard to have perspective
on our own work sometimes, right?
YOUNG REBECCA: Psst.
Come on, got to talk to
you. Get to the bathroom.
No.
Means no and that's a lesson
for all you men.
YOUNG REBECCA: Hey, boobs.
Big ol' boobs.
- Over here. Get to the bathroom.
- Stop it.
It's like...
stop writing so many
books, Joyce Carol Oates.
Amen. I'm drowning over here.
You know who should write more books?
Michael Crichton.
He had all those hits and
then... (blows raspberry)
Yeah, he's dead.
What? Wait, really?
No.
I got to make some calls.
- Move, bitch.
- Okay!
(singsongy): Okay, let's
all get some coffee.
(laughs) I'll be right back.
Okay, what is wrong with you? I mean me.
- Check your phone, dum-dum.
- What?
You got an alert and you were
so busy making your best friend
question her self-worth
that you didn't even notice.
Okay. Fine.
Josh Chan started a live video?
Oh, my God.
I've been off the grid for a while.
Up here at the seminary, yo.
Talking to G.O.D. and, uh,
I came to a big revelation.
I have decided to leave the priesthood.
That's right, everyone.
Church is out of session for me.
I'm-a coming home.
Oh, boy.
Looks like someone's
leaving priest school.
And you know what that means.
Okay, no, no, no. It
doesn't necessarily mean
he's gonna tell everyone everything.
I got a lot to tell everyone.
A ton.
Like, a crazy amount.
But I want to tell everyone in person.
So, I'm shouting out to my friends.
If you want to get all the scoop,
head on over to Home
Base for happy hour today.
I'm gonna lay it all out for you.
The Home Base Bacon Boppers are on me.
See you then.
Chan out.
He's coming home
and he's gonna tell
everybody everything.
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
BOTH: What are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
BOTH: What are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
- Okay, don't panic, don't panic.
- I'm your anxiety manifested.
That's all I do. I got one mode.
Aah, let me think. All right.
Do you remember what
we did in seventh grade
to Tiffany Fendersmith when we were
running for student council treasurer?
- That was awful what we did.
- Yeah, but we had no choice.
She was gonna ruin our reputation.
She saw us stuffing our bra
with maxi pads in the locker room
and she was gonna tell everyone.
I know, but still, what
we did was pretty bad.
We had to, okay? We had to spread the
rumor that she had a brain tumor
that caused her to tell
pathological lies and it worked.
We won the election
and everyone called her
Tiffany Tumorsmith for years.
It was pretty low.
- I spiraled with guilt for months.
- Yeah, I know. I was there.
But what choice do we have?
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
So, we're gonna tell
people Josh has a tumor?
No.
We're gonna tell people
that Josh is the tumor.
I'm not following me here.
We're gonna discredit Josh.
So even if he tells people
what happened in the church,
it won't matter, 'cause
no one will believe him.
Me, follow me.
Hi, it's me.
Are you sitting down?
It's about Crichton.
Hey. I am so sorry about earlier.
You were totally right.
We need to stand proud
with our-our shoulders back,
and our head high, or
whatever it is you said.
I want to do the case and
the article with The Corset.
You said the case stunk.
No. No. That was fear talking.
- Really?
- I was afraid.
And, you know what, we need to get Josh
and we need to get him now.
So, should we take another look
at these case filings, though?
I mean, because, I mean, you have notes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
later, later, later.
Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon.
But, like, right now, I just,
I need you to call The Corset
and tell them it's go time.
I am ready to share
my truth... our truth.
I'm ready to be heroes.
Let's be heroes. Do
you want to be a hero?
Okay.
WOMAN: Heather.
You're finally graduating.
That's so great. You did it.
You've reached for the moon
and landed among the stars.
I guess so.
You-you guess so?
Heather, this is it,
your moment to shine,
to tell the world that it's your time.
Oh, God.
Do I have to sing an inspirational
musical theater song right now?
I just can't.
(flatly): ♪ What does
the future hold? ♪
♪ What will tomorrow bring me? ♪
(groans) ♪ What
story will be told? ♪
♪ What song is gonna sing me? ♪
Geez.
♪ This is my time to shine ♪
♪ Step out of the line ♪
♪ Throw open all the windows ♪
♪ Might be an uphill climb ♪
♪ But I just gotta find ♪
♪ What's at the end... ♪
Please don't make me say this.
♪ Of this rainbow ♪
♪ 'Cause the clock
just keeps on ticking ♪
♪ It doesn't care
that time goes by... ♪
What?
♪ The clock knows its destiny ♪
♪ So why don't I? ♪
Ugh.
♪ 'Cause today is ♪
♪ tomorrow's yesterday ♪
♪ Can't let the future slip away ♪
♪ Can't wait to meet
whoever I will be ♪
♪ 'Cause I am the moment ♪
♪ The moment is me... ♪
Ugh.
Oh, I guess it's time for a story.
♪ There's an old woman in the park ♪
♪ She looks so wise, so regal ♪
♪ Was she ever lost in the dark? ♪
♪ Did she ever soar like an eagle? ♪
- (eagle screeches)
- It's just, like, so on the nose.
♪ Old woman, please ♪
♪ tell me your tale ♪
♪ Did you succeed or did you fail? ♪
♪ Did you ever reach your destiny? ♪
Wait.
♪ I am the woman... ♪
Please don't say it.
♪ The woman is me... ♪
Ugh.
BOTH: ♪ We are the moment ♪
♪ The moment is ♪
♪ Me... ♪
BOTH: That was a living nightmare.
You get me.
Thank you so much for meeting us here.
We are massive fans of The Corset.
Oh, my God, such huge fans.
And we really think that
this story is gonna inspire
a whole new generation
of female attorneys
and-and show how the
law can work for women.
Yes, and by the way, we
would've met you at your office.
Oh, I don't have an office.
I can't afford it yet.
I'm working out of my mom's sun-room,
but today is her book club day.
They're doing four
Joyce Carol Oates books
and it's like, Joyce, enough.
- Like, we get it. Just stop.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, so, tell me more about
this lawsuit against your ex
and how he jilted you.
Well, you know, that's not the only
important part of the case.
Uh, 'twere it so simple
as that, but it 'twaint.
He jilted me, yes, but
the-the most important thing
people need to know is that he's a liar
and that anything that comes
out of his mouth is a lie
because he's a lying liar man.
Yes.
That's, um, that's
definitely part of it.
But, you know, I-I think of him more
as someone who failed to
perform their fiduciary
and emotional obligations,
and is, therefore,
- liable in a court of law.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure, sure, sure, sure,
sure. Yeah, b-b-b-but, but...
But circling back to the lies.
I mean, I-it's just so many lies.
Like, for instance, when
he comes back to town
and tells people crazy lies about me,
he is 100% lying because
he lies all the time.
Oh. Okay. Okay, what kind of lies?
Great question. I have an itemized list
of all the lies right here.
What is that? Is that exhibit "R"?
No. It's exhibits "L" and
"D," for Lies and Deception.
(chuckles) That's not
how we code exhibits.
"Josh lied about believing in God
and he only joined the priesthood
- to steal donations from the church"?
- Yep.
Wow. That's not great.
But, uh, I mean, you know,
even if he did, it's-it's
not really germane to our...
Wait. This guy is truly awful.
"Josh told his friend Josh Wilson... "
White Josh. You're gonna
want to use his street name.
"... that he was okay with gay people,
- but he's not."
- No, he's not. He doesn't like
the "L"s, the "B"s,
the "G"s, or the "T"s.
And he doesn't want any
of them to have restrooms.
- Hold on a second. What?
- D-Did you see the part
that he, uh, told his
Hispanic friend Hector
that he listens to his podcasts,
but he doesn't, specifically
because he's racist. Yeah.
He only listens to, like,
those white public radio shows.
- Oh.
- Yep.
Public radio? Josh?
I mean, is there a different
public radio? One with pictures?
Carly, you can see that
this is a huge story
about a man who embodies
deception and lies,
so we want to get it out
there as quick as possible.
Yeah. I'll get to work on it.
I'll probably be able
to run it this week.
Oh, a week. I mean, uh, that's just hard
because we actually have
a lot of other offers.
So if you want to be
the one to break this...
And I want it to be you, I really do...
You got to kind of Joyce
Carol Oates this thing
and (clicks tongue) publish it ASAP.
You know, preferably before happy hour,
because that's when people
check their phones the most.
Okay. I'll-I'll get to
work. I'll see what I can do.
- Great.
- Great.
(laughs) Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- So nice to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
Fighting the good fight.
Okay. I know you're
wondering why I never told you
about all of Josh's
hideous lies, but I...
I just wanted you to like him. Okay?
We worked so hard to land
him, and I don't know.
I thought I could change him. I-I...
No. No, no, no. I get it. I get it.
I... I guess, but I,
I mean, is that why you were afraid
to file the case and go public earlier?
Yes. Yes, that's why.
But it-it doesn't matter now
because we're doing the case,
and the article's coming out,
and hopefully it'll be
out before happy hour.
I mean, soon, soon.
Yeah.
_
I just can't believe it.
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
(louder): I just can't believe it.
(exhales)
Okay, so that was your cue to say,
"What's wrong, Heath?"
And then I would say,
"It's actually Heather."
And then we would talk about my problem.
Okay, uh, fine. What's your problem?
Okay, so my stupid college
is forcing me to graduate.
Oh, my gosh. Congrats. Mazel.
No, it's no mazel.
I don't want to graduate.
I'm a student.
I like saying, "I'm a student."
Marine biology is my last class,
and I'm sad... I
wanted to take it again.
It would give me more
time with Estrella.
I'm sorry, who?
Um, Estrella.
Our third roommate. Are you kidding?
The starfish I've been taking care of
for, like, three months.
Right there by the sink,
in the flawless synthetic
marine environment
I created for her.
Okay, honestly, I
thought that was a sponge,
so, you know, it's a good
thing I don't do dishes, right?
- You're literally the worst.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Um, all right, you
don't want to graduate.
So, you know, just fail the class,
and you can stay.
How do I fail? I'm doing so well.
Kill the sponge. Duh.
What?
Murder my starfish?
(groans) I mean, she doesn't have
a central nervous system,
so it wouldn't hurt,
but she does have five
eyes that look into my soul.
(screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my
God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
Look at this, look at this,
look at this, look at this.
- It's up, it's up, it's up... oh!
- _
(laughing)
It's even better than I imagined.
"Don't date this toxic man:
stand up to the patriarchy,
one Josh at a time."
Whoa, Josh is an anti-vaxxer?
I had no idea.
Can you forward this post
to everyone you've ever met
in your entire life?
Yeah.
Now, I knew Josh was a jerk
because he ditched Rebecca,
but he's also a homophobic
Holocaust denier?
- Did you know about this?
- Some of it, not all of it.
- (elevator bell dings)
- Hello, everyone.
Oh, are you all reading
it? Yeah. You forwarding it?
Are you gramming it, screenshotting it,
tweetin' it, sendin' it
to friends, group text,
all that jazz, yeah?
- You doing that?
- I can't believe all this.
Josh is so dishonest.
I mean, nobody's gonna believe
anything he says ever again.
Oh, my God, really? You think so?
'Cause that'd be great.
I mean, that'd be great
because he's... he's a liar,
and it's been really hard
and horrible, but, um,
but-but keep forwarding, okay? Yeah.
Poor kid.
(footsteps approaching)
- Hi.
- Hi, hi.
Uh, I'm actually, I'm
kind of busy right now.
You're gonna have dinner
with me, tonight, 8:00 p.m.
My place. Be there.
Uh, wow, I-I just, I...
I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
This guy has dirt on us, remember?
He almost killed someone for us.
You have to appease him.
Also, he's fly. You're
turning that down?
Say yes, dumb idiot.
Okay, actually, fine.
- See you then, 8:00 p.m.
- (elevator bell dings)
What?
(sniffs)
Ah, the smells of a man's boyhood.
I am that man. And that boy.
And I have a hood. (chuckles)
God, I love it when sentences work out.
(speaking indistinctly)
You're all here! What
up, y'all? Ooh-ooh!
Ha-ha, my bros!
White Josh and Hector and Chris.
Kev, baby.
You all look a little cranky.
You hungry?
Kevin, where are those Bacon Boppers?
Up your butt.
What's wrong?
Are you mad because
I left the priesthood?
Um, you guys told me to come home.
No, we're mad because
you're a lying liar lie-man!
WHITE JOSH: Okay, okay.
Calm down, bud. It's all good.
Josh, we just read a
crazy article about you.
What is going on, dude?
What article? What
are you talking about?
Well, read this.
It's gonna... it's gonna be a while.
Okay, well, wait. Th-This is all wrong.
This is not about me.
This article must be
about the other Josh Chan,
the one from Azusa, uh, uh,
but they used my picture.
Uh-huh. So you're saying
that there's another Josh Chan
that also dated Rebecca
and also tried to join the priesthood?
Maybe? Guys, you know me.
I-I would never do or say these things.
I don't know, Josh. It's on the
Internet. It's probably true.
HECTOR: I mean, some of it's true.
Like, sometimes you call me "amigo,"
and you know I don't like it.
WHITE JOSH: Yeah, and you know what?
Now that we're talking about this...
In fifth grade, you used
to call me "Fancy Pants."
They were fancy pants. So many pockets.
Gay pockets?
You always let me win in pinball?
How is that not a lie?
Oh, my God, I think it's working.
JOSH: Guys, guys, come on.
Don't you see who is
behind this? It's obvious.
I mean, look who's
quoted in this article.
- Joyce Carol Oates?
- Rebecca!
Those things in the
article all come from her,
and she's completely out of her mind.
Out of her mind?
Okay, dude, I mean, she's
a little peculiar, but...
No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm
telling you, I know the truth.
Yesterday she came up to
seminary in her wedding dress.
She told me the craziest
stuff I've ever heard.
She admitted she moved
here just to stalk me.
She's been spying on me since
the second she got into town.
She secretly
watched me have sex on
two separate occasions.
She put a GPS on my car.
She wore a secret camera to Thanksgiving
to spy on my family, she paid
thousands of dollars
to move up our wedding,
- and tried to murder Gravy.
- Say what now?
Anna's pretty Persian
kitty. Keep up, Hector.
I'm telling you, Rebecca's crazy,
and basically, a-a criminal
mastermind, too.
I-I bet you all have
cameras all over you.
Oh, my God. Do you hear yourself, dude?
This doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, she's a smart lawyer,
and you want us to believe that
she just blabbed all this
incriminating stuff to you?
- I don't know, amigo.
- CHRIS: Face it, dude.
The only person who sounds
crazy right now is you.
KEVIN: So, please leave, Joshua, so that
we can have a happy... hour.
(softly): Thank you.
Here you go, Chris.
- Oh, boy.
- YOUNG REBECCA: It's working!
Yeah.
Wow, it really is.
We're ruining him!
It's great.
Yeah.
Guess we won.
- PAULA: Hey.
- What?
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course.
- Justice is being served.
- Yes, it is.
Paula, um...
I just want to thank
you for supporting me,
you know, through all this.
You're a great friend. Thank you.
Well, honey, of course I support you.
I'm Team Rebecca, always.
And we are doing a good thing
with this case, I promise you.
- You're a role model.
- No, don't say that.
But you are.
You are like a Madonna,
Malala, Moana salad.
(both laugh)
- You really think I'm a role model?
- Yes, absolutely.
Hmm.
(muttering)
_
(sighs) I am not the crazy one.
(panting)
(clicks tongue)
Well, it's 8:30.
She's probably just a
little late, that's all.
I don't know, man.
- I'm sorry. I don't think she's coming.
- You're probably right.
(sighs) Damn it, George.
You were supposed to
protect me from rejection,
and all I got was more rejection.
Also, where do you get
off calling me "man"?
Of course. I'm sorry... sir.
I failed you.
How can I help now?
Should we grab a beer
and talk? Hash it out?
Really work through
some of those feelings?
George, I hate and
reject philosophically
all the things that you just listed.
No.
When I'm in this kind of mood,
I know what I need to do.
♪
♪ Uh ♪
♪ Feelin' low, ♪
♪ I
need some time to think ♪
♪ By myself, I pour another drink ♪
♪ So many thoughts keep runnin' ♪
♪ through my head ♪
♪ I can't stay here, ♪
♪ I hit da club instead ♪
♪ I'm poppin' bottles ♪
♪ just to clear my mind ♪
♪ Clear my mind ♪
♪ Bitches up on me ♪
♪ and they lookin' fine ♪
♪ We doin' lines, ♪
♪
they wanna go all night ♪
♪ Go all night, go all night ♪
♪ But deep inside there's ♪
♪ something still ain't right ♪
♪ So then... ♪
- ♪ I go to the zoo ♪
- ♪ Zoo, zoo... ♪
♪ Just kind of wander 'round the zoo ♪
♪ I look at the monkeys ♪
(chittering)
♪ Their eyes look like my eyes
♪ It's so relaxing at the zoo ♪
♪ Sayin' what's up to kangaroos ♪
♪ My boys awake
'cause they nocturnal ♪
- ♪ I really, really like the zoo ♪
- ♪ Zoo, zoo, zoo ♪
♪ Next night, I got this
bitch up in my 'rari ♪
♪ We drinking Cris,
we eatin' calamari ♪
♪ She tryin' to give me ♪
♪ neck, this life insane ♪
♪ But there's only one
thing that can ease my pain ♪
♪ I tell her get the hell out
- ♪ Then I go to the zoo in San Diego ♪
- ♪ San Diego ♪
♪ It's really such a better zoo ♪
♪ My favorite's
probably the cheetahs ♪
♪ But I ain't messin'
with no zebra ♪
♪ I know the night ♪
♪ guard at the zoo ♪
♪ Zoo, zoo, zoo ♪
♪ His name is Ron, my man's legit ♪
♪ He knows that I ♪
♪ love Panda Canyon ♪
♪ Sometimes he lets me ♪
♪ bottle-feed the cub ♪
♪ Cub, cub, cub ♪
♪ Man, when's it gonna stop? ♪
♪ When's it gonna end? ♪
♪ Sometimes, even ♪
♪ the zoo isn't enough ♪
♪ So then
♪ I go to the aquarium ♪
♪ It's like a zoo for fishies ♪
♪ I know the night
guard there, too ♪
♪ Wait, what the hell ♪
♪ happened to Susan? ♪
♪ He kicks me out, ♪
♪ here's what I do ♪
♪ I take my ass back to the zoo ♪
♪ Zoo, zoo, zoo, zoo. ♪
(slurps)
JOSH: This guy Trent gave that
to me the day of the wedding.
Eh, Trent is Rebecca's ex-boyfriend.
Weird guy.
Always wears turtlenecks.
Anyway, he gave this to me.
And you never opened it?
I was afraid to.
I-I knew it probably said
bad stuff about Rebecca,
and I didn't want to know what it was,
and I knew I had too
many doubts to marry her,
no matter what her past was.
So when I got to the
seminary, I just threw it out.
Then, like,
in the middle of the night, I
woke up, ran out to the trash,
grabbed it and put it in my duffle bag.
My Spidey-sense told
me I might need it.
And now, I think I do.
Because she is coming after me, man.
She's trying to ruin my life.
So now, I need to know what's in there.
Then you need to open it, Josh.
You're an adult now, dude.
These are your choices to make.
But what if there's anthrax,
or... a dead body in there?
Uh, you think there's a dead
body inside that envelope?
I don't know, like, ashes or
something with spirits in it?
Okay. You know what?
Let's... let's do it.
Let's just open the envelope. Okay?
Thanks.
Morning.
So, I didn't do it.
I didn't kill Estrella.
I was up all night looking
into each and every eye,
and I just, like, couldn't...
Hey, guess what, you know this
whole, like, role model thing?
I could get used to it.
Like, I just woke up to an
e-mail from... wait for it...
Sally Jessy Raphael's people.
Okay, so she's coming back.
She's starting a new show.
It's Web-based, it's streaming,
it's a podcast, I don't know,
but I'm very excited.
Right, so I guess I'm
gonna have to graduate.
And, if I'm gonna be the face
of a groundbreaking lawsuit,
I mean, I'm gonna need some
new feminist nail art, right?
Hey, do you want to come
with me later to get some?
- Sure. Well, thanks for listening.
- Oh, my God. Any time, babe.
Okay.
Okay, so I'm thinking the word "woman"
could be spelled out on my
fingers, but with, like, a "Y,"
or maybe just, like,
a bunch of unicorns.
I don't know. I'll text you.
(door closes)
(sighs)
All right, girl.
Guess we're gonna have
to cap and gown it.
The moment is me.
Ugh.
GEORGE: Sir, I've
been thinking about it,
and yes, we had a setback.
But I think there's still time
to change this power dynamic.
All right? I re-read The
Art of War last night...
George, we're way past all that.
You don't understand;
the zoo didn't work.
The zoo.
I feel the same way today
as I did yesterday.
It's awful. My stomach hurts.
I can't eat anything.
I'm doodling pictures of
Rebecca on every legal brief.
- I'm smiling at babies.
- Oh...
- Babies are disgusting.
- Mm-hmm.
This is more than sex and power.
This is something else.
Oh, no.
("Oh My God I Think I Like You" playing)
- Oh, my God, I think I like her.
- (elevator bell dings)
Hi. Did you hear about
Sally Jessy Raphael?
It's okay, I'll tell you
later. It's fine. Yeah.
Hey, Darryl, have you seen Paula?
Yeah, she was here earlier,
working on that case
that you guys have been doing,
that doesn't make any
money for the firm,
but I don't say anything about.
And then, suddenly, she
checked her messages,
and ran out the door.
- Messages?
- Yep. By the way,
the reason I was confused earlier
is that some of Michael Crichton's books
came out after he died.
They were published posthumously.
After he was a human.
What do I do?
What do I do, George?
I think there's only
one thing you can do.
I think you have to
tell her your feelings.
I told you I hate that kind of thing.
I know, I know, I know,
but I think you have to,
or you might regret it.
(dialing)
PAULA (on voice mail): Paula Proctor.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You
have one saved message.
BRAH: Hey, Paula. It's me, Father Brah.
We have an emergency.
It's about Rebecca.
Can you come down to the office?
Oh, uh, and for now, it's probably best
if you don't talk about this with her.
(exhales)
Uh, uh, Rebecca, wait.
- (sighs)
- Go.
So, you said it was
a Rebecca emergency... ?
(door creaks)
What is Josh doing here?
Paula, Robert is not a dog.
I drove through traffic
for "Robert is not a dog"?
Paula, why don't you have a seat?
Yeah.
(quietly): Why don't I just have a seat?
Paula, Robert was Rebecca's professor,
and, uh...
there were some things
that happened between them.
This is a restraining order
that he was granted after Rebecca
tried to burn down his apartment.
This is a sealed criminal indictment
for the attempted arson.
Now, instead of prison,
she was sentenced to
a psychiatric hospital.
These are the intake papers.
Now, according to Josh,
she hasn't told anyone in
West Covina about her past,
- and I know that I am using a calm tone
- _
right now, but, um...
I am, I'm freaking out.
Oh, my God. I mean, I... I had no idea.
No, I-I know. Um, it's
shocking for all of us.
It's like we never really knew her.
Yeah, you're screwed.
REBECCA: Okay, maybe-maybe
I, maybe I can talk to them.
- Maybe I can explain.
- Are you crazy?
We got to run. We got to start over.
What? Don't pack a pantsuit.
We don't need pantsuits!
Why are you panicking?
They're my friends, they love
me, they'll-they'll understand.
- They'll forgive me.
- Like Robert forgave you?
Like Josh forgave you?
Babe, trust me, you're going
straight back to that loony
bin unless we get out of here.
These people are not your friends.
You've never had friends
before, so why would you now?
No, you're right.
They're not my friends.
I mean, why would they be?
Who would like me? I'm gross,
I-I'm stupid and I'm a dum-dum.
Now pack a damn pantsuit
'cause you never know.
Okay, good point.
All right, well,
your anxiety has ruined your life,
so I guess I'm done.
I'm out of here.
What? No. Don't-don't leave me.
Please, I can't be alone.
I can't be alone. Please.
I can't be alone with my thoughts!
- (knocking on window)
- Oh, you came back.
Nathaniel? What are you doing here?
I'm here to tell you that
there are feelings inside of me
that are pertinent to you.
- Huh?
- I've tried to deny
my very embarrassing
and... human emotions,
but I can't, okay? So here they are.
(inhales, exhales deeply)
(clears throat)
I feel things for you.
Oh... God... oh.
Oh, that's what this is.
Listen. Okay, listen. Buddy, I've
been in your position before,
but now is not the time.
I-I got a whole thing going on, and...
I-I got to get the hell out of town...
Okay, great.
That's perfect. Let's get out of town.
I'll call my jet, tell them to fuel up,
- and we'll go, we'll go away together.
- No.
Go away together, no... right.
Oh, right. You have a jet.
Yeah, and I'll take you
wherever you want to go.
Rome, Paris? God, I
don't even know who I am.
I've never done anything
like this before.
This is... crazy.
What? No, don't, don't.
Don't, don't. Stop it. Stop...
Oh. Oh, wow. This is nice.
Oh, I'm really tired.
Ah. And you know what?
Rome sounds a lot better
than I was gonna do, which was
just drive until my gas ran out.
So you know what? Let's do it.
- Can you grab my bag?
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you for saving me.
You're like my knight in
shining armor right now.
Well, when you find someone
who melts the iceberg
that is your heart,
you save 'em right back because
you want tomorrow to
start today forever.
Okay, buddy, let's go.
Yeah, all right.
HEATHER: Rebecca, wait.
Paula called. You cannot leave.
Uh, just, uh, run. Just go
around her. It's fine.
- What?
- Just go around her. Just... Oh...
- No, I'm serious. Stop.
- Giddy-up! Giddy-up, horsey.
- Okay, well, uh, she's in my way now.
- You cannot go.
Rebecca, wait.
We need to talk about this.