Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
The wedding is in two weeks!
I want to become...
A priest?!
Josh is leaving me
to become
a priest?
I'm gonna mail him my poop.
But tell him it's cupcakes.
We are all here to
help you take down Josh,
but we are not gonna help you
take down yourself at the same time.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I was just, uh,
I was just running by, and, um...
You are understandably
obsessed with me.
No.
Sue him. Suing Josh,
that's actually a
really interesting idea.
There is tons of case law
that justifies suing him
on behalf of Rebecca.
It's perfect!
This révenge will actually
make you feel better.
I know it.
_
♪ Crazy's when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy's how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with a bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
Oh, I am so excited!
Suing Josh Chan is the best
thing we have ever done.
Ah, doesn't it feel
great to do something
rational and effective?
I mean, can you believe
your first revenge idea
was to mail Josh poop
in plastic containers?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, wow.
That was a silly thing that
I definitely did not do.
Josh is about to get
what's coming to him.
- Not poop.
- Not poop!
Anything but poop.
Definitely not poop.
Anything but poop.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, he's such a loser, anyway.
I mean, what a fool.
I would've loved to have been
a cross on the wall at that seminary
when he showed up there, right?
- Err!
- Eh!
Where's Jesus? Duh!
Can I still have sex and be a priest?
- No.
- No, you can't.
That's what being a priest is.
_
Dope church.
Make yourself at home.
Father Rodrigo will be right with you.
Oh, I thought you were Father Rodrigo.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm
just the door priest.
Huh. Well, I can't wait
to start over, Door Father.
Let's just say there were a
few things going on in my life
that I feel a little guilty about.
Like a wedding I was
supposed to go to and didn't.
But I don't have to feel
that way anymore, because...
I'm going to be a priest and
priests have no guilt, right?
Door Father?
Hmm.
♪ I've got my head in the clouds ♪
♪ 'Cause that's where Heaven is ♪
♪ No longer stuck in
the muck on the ground ♪
♪ I figured out how to live ♪
♪ It's with my head in the clouds ♪
♪ Got no cares anymore ♪
♪ No obligations ♪
♪ Are holding me down ♪
♪ That's what religion is for ♪
Anything you want to confess, my son?
Not anymore, priest me.
♪ Reality was getting
so complicated ♪
♪ All the drama was getting insane ♪
♪ But now I've given my
life to Mr. Jesus Christ ♪
♪ So I'm speeding
down the carpool lane ♪
♪ God's my E-Z Pass ♪
♪ I've got my head in the clouds ♪
♪ Blessed with a permanent smile ♪
♪ I feel just like ♪
♪ Little baby Moses ♪
♪ On the day he was
found on de-Nile ♪
♪ It is just a river in Egypt ♪
♪ I was almost toast, but
now I got the Holy Ghost ♪
Pew!
Did someone say "Holy Ghost"?
Whoa, that's what you look like?
This is what you think I look like.
Now let's dance.
Yeah!
Off to lunch with Casper.
♪ My puzzle is solved ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm absolved ♪
♪ My life will be splendid ♪
♪ Now that I've transcended ♪
♪ When things get scary ♪
♪ Just say ten Hail Marys ♪
♪ I'm Turin off my shroud ♪
♪ With my head in the clouds. ♪
My son?
How can I help you?
Oh, Father Rodrigo.
I am so honored to meet you.
Father, I have come
here to this holy place
to join my brethren and
walk the halls of divinity
as God shines his light on me.
- Oh, boy, we got a Maria here.
- What?
Son, have you been considering
the priesthood for a long time?
Oh, yeah. The whole drive
up here from Malibu today.
And there was a Sig Alert.
Well... I hope you understand,
it's a big commitment.
A typical priest's training
takes four to six years and involves
getting a master's degree in divinity.
And you'll have to take
a pre-theology class.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
"Erry-one" knows that.
It's in the damn Bible.
Oh, sorry.
- Look, if you haven't really
- thought this through,
or you're just trying
to avoid responsibility
for something you've done,
you can go home.
What?
I-I'm not trying to avoid
responsibility for anything.
I'm just here to go to priest school.
Preschool?
Priest school.
Ah, oh, yes, yeah.
Yeah, we don't use that
term for that exact reason.
Oh, I wish I could see
the look on his face in 12 to 15 months
when a judge hits him
with a $600-to-$800 fine.
Wait,
$600-to-$800?
That's like a pair of shoes.
Maybe for you, bitch.
- Paula?
- Yes?
Can we take a quick time-out for
some nonjudgmental truth time?
- Always.
- I just don't know about this, okay?
You're working so hard,
and the case is super, super clever,
but... I'm just not satisfied.
I-I want to do something big
and now. And-and,
like, suing Josh just...
It feels...
Okay. You know when you eat a
whole bag of iced ginger snaps,
but then you're like, "What?
There's still a hole inside me,"
so then you move on to shoplifting,
and the next thing you
know, you're in your dorm,
surrounded by unitards and fuzzy
pillows from Urban Outfitters
and the hole's still there?
It feels like that.
That's why you have so many unitards?
I was more of a lipstick
and Sambuca shoplifter myself
back in the day.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
Okay, so, Paula,
instead of this, can we
do something, like, savage
and brutal and primal? Right? Please?
No.
- What?
- No way.
Rebecca, we have found the perfect
legal, ethical and public
way to get back at Josh.
I mean, we actually
have the high ground.
We never have the high ground.
No, it's true.
And you know I am down
for a nefarious plan
as much as the next gal,
but this plan is legit,
and you won't get in trouble.
So this case is the way to go.
I promise you. This is a good thing.
But I want a bad thing.
This is bad. This is really bad.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I can't believe I showed
up to Rebecca's house
with a stupid excuse, visibly
aroused in my running shorts.
She got to me.
Rebecca Bunch got to me.
With her, "Blah, blah,
I'm sad and vulnerable."
And then her now, "Blah, blah, blah,
now I'm all hot and tough
with budding triceps."
What, is she doing dips all of a sudden?
I fall for every stupid
thing that she does.
Honestly, I can't believe
I'm letting you down,
the person that matters most to me.
But don't worry, Captain,
I'm shaking it off.
Old Nathaniel's coming back.
Ice-cold, in control.
A real man.
Guys! My avocado tree has
gone certifiably insane.
Help yourselves.
Guac o'clock, people.
Hey, Maya, catching up
on all the best ways
to get a peach-shaped booty?
No, because I love myself, and
I don't purchase any periodicals
which engage in body-shaming.
By the way, young adult
women's periodicals
are doing some of the most
relevant and honest reporting
out there right now.
- Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
- It's true.
Look at this study about the orgasm gap.
Did you know that studies
show women only orgasm
39% of the time during sex,
while men finish 91% of the time?
That doesn't even make sense.
People are orgasming 130% of the time?
Uh, check your math.
And you check your privilege.
As a woman, I can tell you these studies
are completely based in reality.
Not my reality.
I'm a king in the boudoir.
Every woman I've ever had
sex with has obviously orgasmed...
every time.
Especially my wife.
And you know that because?
Because, when we're having
sex in our favorite position,
I'm on top, going a mile a minute,
we always gloriously finish
at the exact same time, every time.
Tim, you have never given
your wife an orgasm, ever,
not even once.
Hey, Tim,
you ever have someone in your life
who's trying so hard to please you,
but they're just doing it wrong?
And so you pretend to like
it 'cause you care about them,
you really do, but, I don't know,
you just kind of have
to fake being satisfied?
What is happening? What have you heard?
Did you talk to my wife?
What? You're being so weird.
Okay, what's this meeting about anyway?
Oh, my God, I'm not in the
mood for Nathaniel right now.
He's been so doe-eyed
and feelingsy lately.
He's like a woman or something.
Shut up, stop talking.
Here's the deal, losers -
you know that place on East Cameron?
The family Korean barbecue mom-pop?
It's been there for 30 years?
Oh, yeah, Chae Won's
BBQ? I love that place.
Chae Won is so nice.
He always gives me extra kimchi,
and his adorable grandmother's
in the back making tofu soup...
He's about to be obliterated.
The Ivywood Mall Corp, who we represent,
needs the lot that Chae Won is on.
So we're gonna get that place shut down,
and we're gonna get it demolished,
so that our client can build
their discount wicker
lacquered napkin ring,
capiz shell chandelier palace.
Nathaniel, we can't do
that. I mean, Chae Won...
Is a loser who doesn't pay our bills.
- George, what are you doing here?
- Oh, I hired him back.
I need a flunky to work
full-time on assassinating
the character of this Chae Won fella.
George, any dirt yet?
Uh, no. N-No dirt on Chae Won yet.
Um...
Ooh, except for the dirt
that he digs up every weekend
at the community
garden for the homeless.
- Awww.
- I know, right?
- Oh, come on.
- Sorry.
This guy grows a hobo a salad
and you think he's
exempt from capitalism?
What is wrong with Tim?
I don't...
Wake up, Tim!
I told you what to do, now do it. Okay?
I got to go.
My neighbor's dog is barking all night.
I'm gonna take that
little bitch to the vet
and get its vocal cords ripped out.
He's so awful.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no,
he's-he's-he's terrible.
He's awful. He's bad.
What are you doing here?
How do you know where I live?
I have my ways.
Company directory.
Hmm. What do you want?
I want your hard,
throbbing ruthlessness.
And I want it bad.
Who talks like that?
Shut up. Listen to me.
I need you.
Because you are the worst
person I've ever met.
Clearly you didn't summer
in the Hamptons.
Ha, ha, ha. But seriously.
You're an amoral sociopath
with no conscience,
and I need someone to help me
destroy Josh Chan,
who is an evil genius,
a monster, a dead-eyed fiend.
You, so...
what do you say?
I say get out of my apartment.
Rebecca, I'm not getting
pulled into your drama,
no matter what you say.
No, no, no. Listen. You
really don't understand.
Okay, I-I seriously need you.
I've been trying to come
up with evil schemes,
but they just come up,
like, lame and childish.
Of course they do.
Why do you think I hired
George to get rid of Chae Won?
Huh? Because you have the
heart of a weak, dying kitten.
Exactly, that's what's
getting in my way,
and that is why I need you.
Listen.
Nathaniel.
I know you want me.
And I've been making you wait for it.
But not anymore.
- I said you need to...
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Just listen. Okay?
Hear me out.
♪ My whole life ♪
- ♪ I've wanted to be bad ♪
- ♪ To be bad, to be bad, to be bad ♪
♪ But whenever I tried ♪
♪ The result was always sad ♪
♪ So sad, so pathetic,
weak and sad ♪
♪ However, now I know ♪
♪ A certain beau ♪
♪ Who doesn't worry 'bout
what's decent or right ♪
♪ That's you... ♪
Yeah, I got that.
♪ So how 'bout now,
you teach me how ♪
♪ To be ruthless and cruel,
yeah, I'm ready tonight ♪
♪ So strip away my conscience ♪
♪ Peel away my values ♪
♪ Rip off my compassion
with your teeth ♪
♪ Pound away my morals ♪
♪ Spank off all my kindness, ooh! ♪
♪ Expose the dormant
bitch that lies beneath ♪
♪ You devil ♪
♪ Lead me to the dark side ♪
♪ Like a lamb to the slaughter ♪
♪ Then do me in a hot tub filled
with evil 'stead of water ♪
♪ Let's make war, not
love, all night and day ♪
♪ It's hot here in Hell, so ♪
♪ Strip it all away... ♪
Stop hitting yourself.
♪ Yeah, baby, you're
a soul-sucking ♪
♪ Corporate piece of trash ♪
♪ Who only cares ♪
♪ About sex, lies and cash ♪
♪ So tell me 'bout your sins ♪
♪ And shock me with
their luridness ♪
♪ Let me be your
pupil, let me choke ♪
♪ On your cocksuredness ♪
♪ Innuendo ♪
♪ Strip away my conscience ♪
♪ Tear away my Jew guilt ♪
♪ Kiss around my sense
of right and wrong ♪
♪ But not on it, it's sensitive ♪
♪ Baby, it's such foreplay ♪
- ♪ When you slither like a moray ♪
- ♪ Eel! ♪
♪ It's worth the
discomfort of my thong ♪
♪ You're like Professor Snape ♪
♪ In his sad dungeon with his potions ♪
♪ 'Cause somehow you don't
have that sucky thing ♪
♪ Called emotions ♪
♪ 50 shades of morally Grey ♪
♪ And thongs are so
uncomfortable, so ♪
♪ Strip it all away ♪
♪ Strip it all away ♪
♪ Strip it all away ♪
♪ Strip it all away ♪
♪ That was just up my butt. ♪
So, what's your point?
If you help me destroy Josh Chan,
I will let you do
anything you want to me.
And I mean anything.
Yes, that.
That.
You're telling me you
don't want to do that?
It's a challenging program, yes.
But in four to six years,
I'll have my master's,
and then there's the
postgraduate internship,
the Alaskan mission
where I shadow a priest
in a small fishing village.
I'm already taking a super
fun pre-theology class.
I think there's a few months
of silent prayer in there.
Wow.
You hate this.
No, I don't. I don't.
Bro, come on. What are you doing?
Just come home. This is ridiculous.
He's right. This is ridiculous.
So, what? Did you guys
drive all the way up here
just to be, like, all critical?
No. We came up here because
no one has heard from you
since you bailed on your wedding.
Yeah, it's been weeks, and not a
single Instagram Story from you.
It's unprecedented.
You just... Father, Son and
Holy Ghosted your entire life.
That was good.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I know things must
be rough with Rebecca.
I mean, w-what did she
say when you talked to her?
Oh, you haven't... you
haven't talked to her?
- At all?
- I know. I know!
Ugh! It's so bad.
Okay, I've had an apology e-mail
to her in my drafts for weeks.
- Oh. No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
No, I swear, I swear.
- Come on.
- But what do I say?
"Sorry for bailing on you
because I'm not even sure
we know each other well enough"?
Uh, yeah. Exactly that,
except not in an e-mail.
What matters here is that you
have to have that conversation
with her
face-to-face.
Seriously. I mean, are you
really gonna become a priest
just because you don't want to
have an awkward conversation?
No. I-I'm becoming a priest
because I'm a good person
who thrives in an academic setting.
Josh.
And because I want to stay here.
I like it here a lot.
I think I'll major in Christmas.
- Hmm.
- Mmm.
Okay, Tim.
- We're gonna go over this again.
- Oh, my God...
This is the area that you
need to pay attention to.
I know what that part is,
but that's not actually
the important part.
The important part isn't
even on your stupid diagram.
You guys know what I'm talking about.
It's not on the outside,
it's on the inside.
The G-spot, guys.
The G-spot. You just go in,
in, in, in,
up, up, up, and then back, back, back.
That's the spot. That
does it every time.
Oh, co... okay. All right.
I know what you guys are trying to do.
You guys are trying
to shake my confidence.
You know what? I'll admit,
it almost worked. Yesterday,
you had me a little rattled,
but then, I went home and
I had marital relations,
and my wife was very satisfied
by my foolproof method,
which, again, is... in, in, in...
- Tim.
- Uh... what?
Look at this scientific study.
70 to 80% of women
only achieve orgasm from direct
stimulation of the clitoris.
It's the anatomical source
of basically all female pleasure.
It has 8,000 nerve endings.
A penis only has 4,000.
Guys, my wife is satisfied.
After we make love, she is very happy.
She pops right up, she
goes into the bathroom,
she brushes her teeth...
- Brushes her teeth?
- Yes.
I can hear the buzzing sound
of her electric toothbrush.
She really loves that thing.
You can hear her moaning when
she gets a good patch of plaque.
Then a lot of moaning
right towards the very end,
and then she switches it off,
and walks back in, all
happy and glowing...
Sounds like quite the toothbrush.
Sounds like a vibrator.
Oh, my God.
Hey, George, do you
know where Nathaniel is?
Uh, no. No, he hasn't
come in. I have to go though.
I have to go plant dead rats
in Chae Won's kitchen
while he's out describing
paintings to the blind.
- Oh, my God, he's the best.
- He really is.
God, it's so weird that
Nathaniel's not here.
I mean, I made him a
proposal on a very enticing
piece of business. I mean,
it's a really enticing
piece of business.
It's smoking, if you ask me.
It's been doing tricep dips.
Anyway, he hasn't gotten back to me.
I don't know what you're saying.
That's fair.
I'm sorr...
For moi?
Okay.
What?
_
Yes.
Oh, my God.
"Proposal accepted.
Meet me tomorrow night on the noof."
The "noof"?
The "roof."
God, calligraphy is so confusing.
What are you?
Mm.
Whoa.
Ah...
Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Mm, very sexy.
Why is everyone in this office
always talking about sex?
Wow, you look go...
wait a minute, where's
the dress I bought you?
Oh, right, yes. I donated that to the
West Covina Middle School
Drama Department because
only a 13-year-old girl
could fit into it.
Well, you do have an
unconventional body type.
Yeah, also, we're not even gonna discuss
the lingerie you gave me.
Uh, the bra was like
two delicate tissues
held together with floss
and the panties sliced my
muffin top into a hamburger bun.
Wow. A lot of feedback here.
Sorry, I'll be sexy again.
Anyway, um, so where are
we going? What's the plan?
Well, I will tell you when we get there.
Oh, good. I love secrets.
Hey, um, why did you change your mind?
The sex, you know.
It's just a simple transaction for me.
Oh.
Uh-uh-uh.
Not until the deal is done.
I watched Cruel Intentions in
the car on the way over here.
Oh, that is such a good movie.
What? Oh, no, my dry-bar uptini!
It's a helicopter!
Yeah, no, I get that!
- Just get over here, get over here.
- Oh, okay.
This is so sexy!
Just land it!
Just land the damn helicopter!
Oh, what is this place?
Well, usually,
it's a spin-lates gym, but tonight...
it's something extra special.
Ooh.
What's that?
Did I mention?
This party is a masquerade.
No!
You didn't mention that!
I would've remembered
if you'd mentioned that.
Oh, my God, this is so fun.
Ooh, can I be the tiger?
Can I please be the tiger?
- You need to shh.
- Sorry. Sorry.
I get to be the tiger.
Behind this curtain are
the most powerful people
east of the 5, north of the
10 and some parts of the 2.
So, South Pasadena, basically?
Yeah, more or less.
Craig lives in La Cañada
Flintridge, but it's close.
- Shall we?
- Ooh.
Four people in this
room have the ability
to ruin Josh Chan's life forever.
And one can just make it super annoying,
so we'll skip him.
Now, it's time to destroy Josh Chan.
Dear God,
I have to read all this
religion and Bible stuff,
and I don't understand any of it,
and it doesn't interest me at all.
No offense, Big Guy.
So, when I open my eyes,
can I just be a priest, and look cool,
and hand out wine and wafers,
and not at all feel bad about
leaving Rebecca at the altar?
I knew that wasn't gonna work.
I'm not Aladdin.
I just thought it was
gonna feel so satisfying,
but it doesn't at all.
Just feel like I'm faking it.
Just feel like I'm faking it.
Tim, you have never
given your wife an orgasm.
Fake being satisfied?
Sounds like a vibrator.
You're doing it wrong.
39% of the time...
Not even once.
♪ Such profound humiliation ♪
♪ Such all-consuming shame ♪
♪ The buzzing from the bathroom ♪
♪ Has finally been explained ♪
♪ That was no electric toothbrush ♪
♪ No facial scrub device ♪
♪ And now I finally
know the meaning ♪
♪ Of the words ♪
♪ "Tim, that was nice" ♪
♪ We used two different positions ♪
♪ Every other Sunday night ♪
♪ All her writhing,
moaning, sighing ♪
♪ I thought I was doing it right ♪
♪ But as I drifted off to slumber ♪
♪ Thinking I had brought her joy ♪
♪ She would slink
off to the bathroom ♪
♪ With that blasted plastic toy ♪
♪ Oh, the buzzing, cursed buzzing ♪
♪ That damn incessant hum ♪
♪ I used to think I was a hero ♪
♪ Can't believe she didn't come ♪
♪ To tell me that she needed ♪
♪ So much more than I could give ♪
♪ Now the buzzing
from the bathroom ♪
♪ Tells the lie that we both live ♪
♪ What is pleasure but a union ♪
♪ When with one
soul another joins? ♪
♪ Yet I'm haunted by the buzzing ♪
♪ From the bathroom ♪
♪ Like tinnitus ♪
♪ Of the loins. ♪
So, what's the plan?
We split up.
Your job is critical. You see those
- three women over there?
- Uh-huh.
I need you to distract them
while I talk to their husbands.
You can talk to them about
anything, anything at all,
except for raising taxes,
charter school vouchers
and being pro-choice.
Can you do that?
- Absolutely. No problem.
- Good.
Mmm, I love this champagne.
The level of carbonation is just right.
Mm, well is it champagne
or sparkling wine?
I never know.
Oh.
One of life's great mysteries,
like how to fix public education.
Actually, it's not a mystery.
You just adequately
fund school districts
irrespective of their tax base.
Kidding. Uh, vouchers are the
only way to go, am I right?
Mm.
Mmm, this Brie is divine.
I know.
Soft cheeses are like crack to me.
Crack, yeah. Crack, that is...
a funny thing to make a joke about
because it is not at all a cheap drug
disseminated by the CIA during
the Reagan administration
to decimate our inner cities.
Damn it, I mean, uh,
Nancy Reagan was a national
hero and a style icon, right?
You are absolutely right.
Uh, Roe v. Wade is nothing
short of judicial activism.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God, I was about to tell her that
states should be free to
make individual choices,
but reproductive rights...
You performed flawlessly.
The table is set for our plan.
Oh.
- What do we do now?
- Now... we dance.
Is this part of the plan?
No, I just wanted to dance.
Oh.
Nathaniel, why are you
doing all this for me really?
Honestly, I don't know. I...
When I'm around you, I
stop thinking about myself
and I think about you.
It's very confusing.
Wow, that's... for you,
that's not confusing.
That's-that's like a miracle.
Rebecca, it's done. We did it.
Done? What do you mean?
We just ruined Josh Chan's
life for good, the two of us.
We're unstoppable.
Let's get out of here.
Uh-huh.
Hey, you don't have
to do this, you know,
regardless of our deal.
I want to.
I've always wanted to.
Well, that was actually very satisfying.
Isn't it always?
Only 39% of the time.
There's some interesting
literature on the subject,
but, Nathaniel, tell me,
what did we do to Josh?
Mm, you sure you want to know?
I don't want to corrupt
your innocent soul.
Mm, no, no, no, tell me, please.
Well, okay.
You said you wanted
to ruin him, right?
Uh-huh.
Well, to ruin a man, you have
to go after what he loves most.
Video games.
- Not that. Okay.
- He cares about family.
Family.
Okay.
So that's what we went after.
We went after Josh's family?
Oh, okay.
First, Josh's sister, Jastenity,
she's about to be accused of plagiarism
and kicked out of Cal State Northridge.
Oh...
Oh, really? That's a bummer.
'Cause she just got on the dean's list.
Not as much of a bummer
as what's gonna happen
to Josh's father.
- Oh... uh, Joseph?
- Joseph.
He is about to be audited
for financial malfeasance
at his radiology lab.
There's gonna be criminal charges.
And once that happens, he'll be a felon,
and his permanent resident
status will be revoked.
- Oh, my God!
- And that's not all.
I'm saving the very best for last.
Josh's grandfather is about
to draw his last breath.
His lolo? What do you mean?
One of the men at the party
owns a chain of hospices.
We have direct access to
Lolo and his oxygen tank.
You're gonna kill Josh's lolo?!
Eat it, zombies.
No one can rise from the dead.
It's stupid.
Josh?
Uh, Father, um... sorry.
Um, I'm sorry.
Uh, obviously, you know, Jesus can
and-and-and-and
did, and will again
rise from the dead.
Right? Huh?
Son, is everything okay?
Did you talk to God?
I talked to Him earlier
and asked Him not to say anything,
but I thought He might blab.
No, you just seemed upset,
so I was expressing concern.
Anyway, I have noticed you seeming torn
about your decision to come here,
so I decided to come by
with a special treat for you.
- Jelly beans?
- No.
At the service today,
I thought you might want to
pass the collection basket.
Are there no openings
in wine and wafers?
No. It's basket of nothing.
Okay. I do have a cool
suit from my almost-wedding.
Can I wear that?
Okay, buddy, I'm gonna
say yes to that one.
Cool.
Geez, this frickin' guy.
Oh, my God, undo it, undo it,
- just, right now!
- Fine, I'll undo it.
But you said you wanted
me to do evil things.
That's what I did.
I-I thought that's what
you said you wanted.
Yes, I... No. I don't know.
I don't know, I don't
know. Nothing feels right.
I've tried everything.
I've tried mailing poop,
I've tried the fake sex tape,
I've tried Paul's lawsuit idea.
Stop, go back. You tried mailing what?
But just none of it is
helping me feel better.
And your plan...
I'm sorry, it's awful.
Well, so picky.
Sounds like you don't like
anyone's porridge, Goldilocks.
Why doesn't anybody
understand what I really want?
Well, what do you really want?
I want him to face what he did to me.
He left me at my wedding.
He just left me, he left me
like a fool standing there
in that... in that big, stupid waste
of an expensive wedding dress.
And he didn't even let me confront him
in front of everyone.
He didn't let me embarrass
him the way he embarrassed me.
He robbed me of that moment.
Well, what would that have done?
That would have just made
things even more humiliating.
It would have made me feel good.
Wow, I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry about all this.
You did all this for nothing.
Um...
I got to go.
Oh, my God, I'm so
embarrassed... I got to go.
- _
- Josh didn't even get the poop?!
Thank you, my son.
Easy with the "my sons," my son.
Oh. Roger, Father.
Paula.
Oh, no. What?
I am so happy that I ran into you.
I have been dying to thank you.
Thank me for what?
My beloved and I had the best night
of our 11-year marriage.
She had a very satisfactory climax,
and it's all thanks to
the women in the office,
including you.
- What are you talking about?
- Your cutting comment about
me never giving my wife an orgasm.
It changed my whole life.
Huh. I don't remember saying that, but,
you know, if I tossed out a mean comment
that changed your life,
you wouldn't be the first.
And by the way, if
your wife never told you
she was not getting off in 11 years,
that is on her.
I mean, clearly, you two have
a giant communication
gap that really speaks to
some very deep problems
in your relationship.
Anyway, working on a case...
Big game-changer, so...
see you later.
Oh.
Bye, Tim. Happy Sunday.
Rebecca, what are you doing here?
Why are you wearing that?
Oh...
Oh, you don't like the sight of this?
Huh? Thought you'd get
to go your whole life
without seeing this?
Good morrow, congregants.
Sorry to interrupt. I'm Rebecca Bunch,
and I'm here because I need to confront
my ex-fiancé, who
jilted me at the altar
seconds before our
wedding two weeks ago.
Rebecca, let's go outside and talk.
I-I'm sorry, Father Rodrigo.
Wow!
Wow, you're apologizing to him. To him!
And, no, I will not go outside and talk.
I want everyone to hear
what a fraud you are.
Y-You're right to be mad at me.
I-I should have reached out to you,
- but God had called me.
- Josh,
God did not reach out to you.
You're hiding,
because you're a coward.
It's been two weeks, Josh.
I have been waiting for anything...
A text, an e-mail, a phone call...
And I've... I've heard nothing.
Yes, you're right. I-I
should have e-mailed.
I-I have a draft. I can pull it up.
Miss, we're in the
middle of a service.
Father, do you know
what this person did to me?
- We really don't want to know.
- We want to know.
Great, great. 'Cause you're gonna know
all of the terrible things he did to me,
and all the terrible
things he made me do.
I never made you do anything.
Oh, yes, you did.
With every twinkly smile,
every kind compliment,
every little love kernel.
And that's why I did
all the things I did.
I had to do them.
You made me.
Hit it!
♪ After everything you made me do ♪
♪ That you didn't ask for ♪
♪ You pay me back with rejection ♪
♪ Pain and loss
♪ After everything you made me do ♪
♪ That you didn't ask for ♪
♪ I'm the one who
should be up there ♪
♪ On that cross ♪
You want to know all
the things I did for you?
♪ I moved here for you
'cause that day in New York ♪
♪ On the street you led me on ♪
♪ I whored myself
out at Beans's house ♪
♪ Just to find out
where you'd gone ♪
♪ I had to clog my
garbage disposal ♪
♪ When you ignored my calls
♪ I watched you have sex with Anna ♪
♪ While I was hiding
in a bathroom stall ♪
♪ I also watched you have sex ♪
♪ During a poop attack
on Thanksgiving ♪
♪ I now associate
toilets with heartbreak ♪
♪ Welcome to the hell I'm living ♪
♪ When you asked
Valencia to move in ♪
♪ I was such a mess ♪
♪ You can ask Paula,
she saw it all ♪
♪ From the camera on my dress ♪
♪ I ran over Anna's cat
just because I had to know ♪
♪ If she actually styled eyebrows ♪
♪ Or if she was dealin' blow ♪
♪ I paid some chick $10,000 ♪
♪ To take her wedding slot ♪
♪ That's how I moved
our wedding up ♪
♪ And, oh, yeah, I almost forgot ♪
♪ You gave me that
worthless proposal ♪
♪ And not even two weeks later ♪
♪ I made out with my boss ♪
♪ When we got stuck in an elevator ♪
♪ You're nothing without me ♪
♪ And my selfless humility ♪
♪ I held you up despite the fact ♪
♪ You lack brains and ability ♪
♪ After everything
I've done for you ♪
♪ I thought love
was the reason why ♪
♪ But now, Josh Chan ♪
♪ I say ♪
♪ Good-bye. ♪
My goodness, son, I am so sorry.
Sorry?
You're sorry?
Don't you see what this means?
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
There is no reason why
I should feel guilty.
Thank you, Lord!
Oh...
Oh, wow.
Oh, I feel so much better.
I did it.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
The wedding is in two weeks!
I want to become...
A priest?!
Josh is leaving me
to become
a priest?
I'm gonna mail him my poop.
But tell him it's cupcakes.
We are all here to
help you take down Josh,
but we are not gonna help you
take down yourself at the same time.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I was just, uh,
I was just running by, and, um...
You are understandably
obsessed with me.
No.
Sue him. Suing Josh,
that's actually a
really interesting idea.
There is tons of case law
that justifies suing him
on behalf of Rebecca.
It's perfect!
This révenge will actually
make you feel better.
I know it.
_
♪ Crazy's when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy's how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with a bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
Oh, I am so excited!
Suing Josh Chan is the best
thing we have ever done.
Ah, doesn't it feel
great to do something
rational and effective?
I mean, can you believe
your first revenge idea
was to mail Josh poop
in plastic containers?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, wow.
That was a silly thing that
I definitely did not do.
Josh is about to get
what's coming to him.
- Not poop.
- Not poop!
Anything but poop.
Definitely not poop.
Anything but poop.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, he's such a loser, anyway.
I mean, what a fool.
I would've loved to have been
a cross on the wall at that seminary
when he showed up there, right?
- Err!
- Eh!
Where's Jesus? Duh!
Can I still have sex and be a priest?
- No.
- No, you can't.
That's what being a priest is.
_
Dope church.
Make yourself at home.
Father Rodrigo will be right with you.
Oh, I thought you were Father Rodrigo.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm
just the door priest.
Huh. Well, I can't wait
to start over, Door Father.
Let's just say there were a
few things going on in my life
that I feel a little guilty about.
Like a wedding I was
supposed to go to and didn't.
But I don't have to feel
that way anymore, because...
I'm going to be a priest and
priests have no guilt, right?
Door Father?
Hmm.
♪ I've got my head in the clouds ♪
♪ 'Cause that's where Heaven is ♪
♪ No longer stuck in
the muck on the ground ♪
♪ I figured out how to live ♪
♪ It's with my head in the clouds ♪
♪ Got no cares anymore ♪
♪ No obligations ♪
♪ Are holding me down ♪
♪ That's what religion is for ♪
Anything you want to confess, my son?
Not anymore, priest me.
♪ Reality was getting
so complicated ♪
♪ All the drama was getting insane ♪
♪ But now I've given my
life to Mr. Jesus Christ ♪
♪ So I'm speeding
down the carpool lane ♪
♪ God's my E-Z Pass ♪
♪ I've got my head in the clouds ♪
♪ Blessed with a permanent smile ♪
♪ I feel just like ♪
♪ Little baby Moses ♪
♪ On the day he was
found on de-Nile ♪
♪ It is just a river in Egypt ♪
♪ I was almost toast, but
now I got the Holy Ghost ♪
Pew!
Did someone say "Holy Ghost"?
Whoa, that's what you look like?
This is what you think I look like.
Now let's dance.
Yeah!
Off to lunch with Casper.
♪ My puzzle is solved ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm absolved ♪
♪ My life will be splendid ♪
♪ Now that I've transcended ♪
♪ When things get scary ♪
♪ Just say ten Hail Marys ♪
♪ I'm Turin off my shroud ♪
♪ With my head in the clouds. ♪
My son?
How can I help you?
Oh, Father Rodrigo.
I am so honored to meet you.
Father, I have come
here to this holy place
to join my brethren and
walk the halls of divinity
as God shines his light on me.
- Oh, boy, we got a Maria here.
- What?
Son, have you been considering
the priesthood for a long time?
Oh, yeah. The whole drive
up here from Malibu today.
And there was a Sig Alert.
Well... I hope you understand,
it's a big commitment.
A typical priest's training
takes four to six years and involves
getting a master's degree in divinity.
And you'll have to take
a pre-theology class.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
"Erry-one" knows that.
It's in the damn Bible.
Oh, sorry.
- Look, if you haven't really
- thought this through,
or you're just trying
to avoid responsibility
for something you've done,
you can go home.
What?
I-I'm not trying to avoid
responsibility for anything.
I'm just here to go to priest school.
Preschool?
Priest school.
Ah, oh, yes, yeah.
Yeah, we don't use that
term for that exact reason.
Oh, I wish I could see
the look on his face in 12 to 15 months
when a judge hits him
with a $600-to-$800 fine.
Wait,
$600-to-$800?
That's like a pair of shoes.
Maybe for you, bitch.
- Paula?
- Yes?
Can we take a quick time-out for
some nonjudgmental truth time?
- Always.
- I just don't know about this, okay?
You're working so hard,
and the case is super, super clever,
but... I'm just not satisfied.
I-I want to do something big
and now. And-and,
like, suing Josh just...
It feels...
Okay. You know when you eat a
whole bag of iced ginger snaps,
but then you're like, "What?
There's still a hole inside me,"
so then you move on to shoplifting,
and the next thing you
know, you're in your dorm,
surrounded by unitards and fuzzy
pillows from Urban Outfitters
and the hole's still there?
It feels like that.
That's why you have so many unitards?
I was more of a lipstick
and Sambuca shoplifter myself
back in the day.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
Okay, so, Paula,
instead of this, can we
do something, like, savage
and brutal and primal? Right? Please?
No.
- What?
- No way.
Rebecca, we have found the perfect
legal, ethical and public
way to get back at Josh.
I mean, we actually
have the high ground.
We never have the high ground.
No, it's true.
And you know I am down
for a nefarious plan
as much as the next gal,
but this plan is legit,
and you won't get in trouble.
So this case is the way to go.
I promise you. This is a good thing.
But I want a bad thing.
This is bad. This is really bad.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I can't believe I showed
up to Rebecca's house
with a stupid excuse, visibly
aroused in my running shorts.
She got to me.
Rebecca Bunch got to me.
With her, "Blah, blah,
I'm sad and vulnerable."
And then her now, "Blah, blah, blah,
now I'm all hot and tough
with budding triceps."
What, is she doing dips all of a sudden?
I fall for every stupid
thing that she does.
Honestly, I can't believe
I'm letting you down,
the person that matters most to me.
But don't worry, Captain,
I'm shaking it off.
Old Nathaniel's coming back.
Ice-cold, in control.
A real man.
Guys! My avocado tree has
gone certifiably insane.
Help yourselves.
Guac o'clock, people.
Hey, Maya, catching up
on all the best ways
to get a peach-shaped booty?
No, because I love myself, and
I don't purchase any periodicals
which engage in body-shaming.
By the way, young adult
women's periodicals
are doing some of the most
relevant and honest reporting
out there right now.
- Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
- It's true.
Look at this study about the orgasm gap.
Did you know that studies
show women only orgasm
39% of the time during sex,
while men finish 91% of the time?
That doesn't even make sense.
People are orgasming 130% of the time?
Uh, check your math.
And you check your privilege.
As a woman, I can tell you these studies
are completely based in reality.
Not my reality.
I'm a king in the boudoir.
Every woman I've ever had
sex with has obviously orgasmed...
every time.
Especially my wife.
And you know that because?
Because, when we're having
sex in our favorite position,
I'm on top, going a mile a minute,
we always gloriously finish
at the exact same time, every time.
Tim, you have never given
your wife an orgasm, ever,
not even once.
Hey, Tim,
you ever have someone in your life
who's trying so hard to please you,
but they're just doing it wrong?
And so you pretend to like
it 'cause you care about them,
you really do, but, I don't know,
you just kind of have
to fake being satisfied?
What is happening? What have you heard?
Did you talk to my wife?
What? You're being so weird.
Okay, what's this meeting about anyway?
Oh, my God, I'm not in the
mood for Nathaniel right now.
He's been so doe-eyed
and feelingsy lately.
He's like a woman or something.
Shut up, stop talking.
Here's the deal, losers -
you know that place on East Cameron?
The family Korean barbecue mom-pop?
It's been there for 30 years?
Oh, yeah, Chae Won's
BBQ? I love that place.
Chae Won is so nice.
He always gives me extra kimchi,
and his adorable grandmother's
in the back making tofu soup...
He's about to be obliterated.
The Ivywood Mall Corp, who we represent,
needs the lot that Chae Won is on.
So we're gonna get that place shut down,
and we're gonna get it demolished,
so that our client can build
their discount wicker
lacquered napkin ring,
capiz shell chandelier palace.
Nathaniel, we can't do
that. I mean, Chae Won...
Is a loser who doesn't pay our bills.
- George, what are you doing here?
- Oh, I hired him back.
I need a flunky to work
full-time on assassinating
the character of this Chae Won fella.
George, any dirt yet?
Uh, no. N-No dirt on Chae Won yet.
Um...
Ooh, except for the dirt
that he digs up every weekend
at the community
garden for the homeless.
- Awww.
- I know, right?
- Oh, come on.
- Sorry.
This guy grows a hobo a salad
and you think he's
exempt from capitalism?
What is wrong with Tim?
I don't...
Wake up, Tim!
I told you what to do, now do it. Okay?
I got to go.
My neighbor's dog is barking all night.
I'm gonna take that
little bitch to the vet
and get its vocal cords ripped out.
He's so awful.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no,
he's-he's-he's terrible.
He's awful. He's bad.
What are you doing here?
How do you know where I live?
I have my ways.
Company directory.
Hmm. What do you want?
I want your hard,
throbbing ruthlessness.
And I want it bad.
Who talks like that?
Shut up. Listen to me.
I need you.
Because you are the worst
person I've ever met.
Clearly you didn't summer
in the Hamptons.
Ha, ha, ha. But seriously.
You're an amoral sociopath
with no conscience,
and I need someone to help me
destroy Josh Chan,
who is an evil genius,
a monster, a dead-eyed fiend.
You, so...
what do you say?
I say get out of my apartment.
Rebecca, I'm not getting
pulled into your drama,
no matter what you say.
No, no, no. Listen. You
really don't understand.
Okay, I-I seriously need you.
I've been trying to come
up with evil schemes,
but they just come up,
like, lame and childish.
Of course they do.
Why do you think I hired
George to get rid of Chae Won?
Huh? Because you have the
heart of a weak, dying kitten.
Exactly, that's what's
getting in my way,
and that is why I need you.
Listen.
Nathaniel.
I know you want me.
And I've been making you wait for it.
But not anymore.
- I said you need to...
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Just listen. Okay?
Hear me out.
♪ My whole life ♪
- ♪ I've wanted to be bad ♪
- ♪ To be bad, to be bad, to be bad ♪
♪ But whenever I tried ♪
♪ The result was always sad ♪
♪ So sad, so pathetic,
weak and sad ♪
♪ However, now I know ♪
♪ A certain beau ♪
♪ Who doesn't worry 'bout
what's decent or right ♪
♪ That's you... ♪
Yeah, I got that.
♪ So how 'bout now,
you teach me how ♪
♪ To be ruthless and cruel,
yeah, I'm ready tonight ♪
♪ So strip away my conscience ♪
♪ Peel away my values ♪
♪ Rip off my compassion
with your teeth ♪
♪ Pound away my morals ♪
♪ Spank off all my kindness, ooh! ♪
♪ Expose the dormant
bitch that lies beneath ♪
♪ You devil ♪
♪ Lead me to the dark side ♪
♪ Like a lamb to the slaughter ♪
♪ Then do me in a hot tub filled
with evil 'stead of water ♪
♪ Let's make war, not
love, all night and day ♪
♪ It's hot here in Hell, so ♪
♪ Strip it all away... ♪
Stop hitting yourself.
♪ Yeah, baby, you're
a soul-sucking ♪
♪ Corporate piece of trash ♪
♪ Who only cares ♪
♪ About sex, lies and cash ♪
♪ So tell me 'bout your sins ♪
♪ And shock me with
their luridness ♪
♪ Let me be your
pupil, let me choke ♪
♪ On your cocksuredness ♪
♪ Innuendo ♪
♪ Strip away my conscience ♪
♪ Tear away my Jew guilt ♪
♪ Kiss around my sense
of right and wrong ♪
♪ But not on it, it's sensitive ♪
♪ Baby, it's such foreplay ♪
- ♪ When you slither like a moray ♪
- ♪ Eel! ♪
♪ It's worth the
discomfort of my thong ♪
♪ You're like Professor Snape ♪
♪ In his sad dungeon with his potions ♪
♪ 'Cause somehow you don't
have that sucky thing ♪
♪ Called emotions ♪
♪ 50 shades of morally Grey ♪
♪ And thongs are so
uncomfortable, so ♪
♪ Strip it all away ♪
♪ Strip it all away ♪
♪ Strip it all away ♪
♪ Strip it all away ♪
♪ That was just up my butt. ♪
So, what's your point?
If you help me destroy Josh Chan,
I will let you do
anything you want to me.
And I mean anything.
Yes, that.
That.
You're telling me you
don't want to do that?
It's a challenging program, yes.
But in four to six years,
I'll have my master's,
and then there's the
postgraduate internship,
the Alaskan mission
where I shadow a priest
in a small fishing village.
I'm already taking a super
fun pre-theology class.
I think there's a few months
of silent prayer in there.
Wow.
You hate this.
No, I don't. I don't.
Bro, come on. What are you doing?
Just come home. This is ridiculous.
He's right. This is ridiculous.
So, what? Did you guys
drive all the way up here
just to be, like, all critical?
No. We came up here because
no one has heard from you
since you bailed on your wedding.
Yeah, it's been weeks, and not a
single Instagram Story from you.
It's unprecedented.
You just... Father, Son and
Holy Ghosted your entire life.
That was good.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I know things must
be rough with Rebecca.
I mean, w-what did she
say when you talked to her?
Oh, you haven't... you
haven't talked to her?
- At all?
- I know. I know!
Ugh! It's so bad.
Okay, I've had an apology e-mail
to her in my drafts for weeks.
- Oh. No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
No, I swear, I swear.
- Come on.
- But what do I say?
"Sorry for bailing on you
because I'm not even sure
we know each other well enough"?
Uh, yeah. Exactly that,
except not in an e-mail.
What matters here is that you
have to have that conversation
with her
face-to-face.
Seriously. I mean, are you
really gonna become a priest
just because you don't want to
have an awkward conversation?
No. I-I'm becoming a priest
because I'm a good person
who thrives in an academic setting.
Josh.
And because I want to stay here.
I like it here a lot.
I think I'll major in Christmas.
- Hmm.
- Mmm.
Okay, Tim.
- We're gonna go over this again.
- Oh, my God...
This is the area that you
need to pay attention to.
I know what that part is,
but that's not actually
the important part.
The important part isn't
even on your stupid diagram.
You guys know what I'm talking about.
It's not on the outside,
it's on the inside.
The G-spot, guys.
The G-spot. You just go in,
in, in, in,
up, up, up, and then back, back, back.
That's the spot. That
does it every time.
Oh, co... okay. All right.
I know what you guys are trying to do.
You guys are trying
to shake my confidence.
You know what? I'll admit,
it almost worked. Yesterday,
you had me a little rattled,
but then, I went home and
I had marital relations,
and my wife was very satisfied
by my foolproof method,
which, again, is... in, in, in...
- Tim.
- Uh... what?
Look at this scientific study.
70 to 80% of women
only achieve orgasm from direct
stimulation of the clitoris.
It's the anatomical source
of basically all female pleasure.
It has 8,000 nerve endings.
A penis only has 4,000.
Guys, my wife is satisfied.
After we make love, she is very happy.
She pops right up, she
goes into the bathroom,
she brushes her teeth...
- Brushes her teeth?
- Yes.
I can hear the buzzing sound
of her electric toothbrush.
She really loves that thing.
You can hear her moaning when
she gets a good patch of plaque.
Then a lot of moaning
right towards the very end,
and then she switches it off,
and walks back in, all
happy and glowing...
Sounds like quite the toothbrush.
Sounds like a vibrator.
Oh, my God.
Hey, George, do you
know where Nathaniel is?
Uh, no. No, he hasn't
come in. I have to go though.
I have to go plant dead rats
in Chae Won's kitchen
while he's out describing
paintings to the blind.
- Oh, my God, he's the best.
- He really is.
God, it's so weird that
Nathaniel's not here.
I mean, I made him a
proposal on a very enticing
piece of business. I mean,
it's a really enticing
piece of business.
It's smoking, if you ask me.
It's been doing tricep dips.
Anyway, he hasn't gotten back to me.
I don't know what you're saying.
That's fair.
I'm sorr...
For moi?
Okay.
What?
_
Yes.
Oh, my God.
"Proposal accepted.
Meet me tomorrow night on the noof."
The "noof"?
The "roof."
God, calligraphy is so confusing.
What are you?
Mm.
Whoa.
Ah...
Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Mm, very sexy.
Why is everyone in this office
always talking about sex?
Wow, you look go...
wait a minute, where's
the dress I bought you?
Oh, right, yes. I donated that to the
West Covina Middle School
Drama Department because
only a 13-year-old girl
could fit into it.
Well, you do have an
unconventional body type.
Yeah, also, we're not even gonna discuss
the lingerie you gave me.
Uh, the bra was like
two delicate tissues
held together with floss
and the panties sliced my
muffin top into a hamburger bun.
Wow. A lot of feedback here.
Sorry, I'll be sexy again.
Anyway, um, so where are
we going? What's the plan?
Well, I will tell you when we get there.
Oh, good. I love secrets.
Hey, um, why did you change your mind?
The sex, you know.
It's just a simple transaction for me.
Oh.
Uh-uh-uh.
Not until the deal is done.
I watched Cruel Intentions in
the car on the way over here.
Oh, that is such a good movie.
What? Oh, no, my dry-bar uptini!
It's a helicopter!
Yeah, no, I get that!
- Just get over here, get over here.
- Oh, okay.
This is so sexy!
Just land it!
Just land the damn helicopter!
Oh, what is this place?
Well, usually,
it's a spin-lates gym, but tonight...
it's something extra special.
Ooh.
What's that?
Did I mention?
This party is a masquerade.
No!
You didn't mention that!
I would've remembered
if you'd mentioned that.
Oh, my God, this is so fun.
Ooh, can I be the tiger?
Can I please be the tiger?
- You need to shh.
- Sorry. Sorry.
I get to be the tiger.
Behind this curtain are
the most powerful people
east of the 5, north of the
10 and some parts of the 2.
So, South Pasadena, basically?
Yeah, more or less.
Craig lives in La Cañada
Flintridge, but it's close.
- Shall we?
- Ooh.
Four people in this
room have the ability
to ruin Josh Chan's life forever.
And one can just make it super annoying,
so we'll skip him.
Now, it's time to destroy Josh Chan.
Dear God,
I have to read all this
religion and Bible stuff,
and I don't understand any of it,
and it doesn't interest me at all.
No offense, Big Guy.
So, when I open my eyes,
can I just be a priest, and look cool,
and hand out wine and wafers,
and not at all feel bad about
leaving Rebecca at the altar?
I knew that wasn't gonna work.
I'm not Aladdin.
I just thought it was
gonna feel so satisfying,
but it doesn't at all.
Just feel like I'm faking it.
Just feel like I'm faking it.
Tim, you have never
given your wife an orgasm.
Fake being satisfied?
Sounds like a vibrator.
You're doing it wrong.
39% of the time...
Not even once.
♪ Such profound humiliation ♪
♪ Such all-consuming shame ♪
♪ The buzzing from the bathroom ♪
♪ Has finally been explained ♪
♪ That was no electric toothbrush ♪
♪ No facial scrub device ♪
♪ And now I finally
know the meaning ♪
♪ Of the words ♪
♪ "Tim, that was nice" ♪
♪ We used two different positions ♪
♪ Every other Sunday night ♪
♪ All her writhing,
moaning, sighing ♪
♪ I thought I was doing it right ♪
♪ But as I drifted off to slumber ♪
♪ Thinking I had brought her joy ♪
♪ She would slink
off to the bathroom ♪
♪ With that blasted plastic toy ♪
♪ Oh, the buzzing, cursed buzzing ♪
♪ That damn incessant hum ♪
♪ I used to think I was a hero ♪
♪ Can't believe she didn't come ♪
♪ To tell me that she needed ♪
♪ So much more than I could give ♪
♪ Now the buzzing
from the bathroom ♪
♪ Tells the lie that we both live ♪
♪ What is pleasure but a union ♪
♪ When with one
soul another joins? ♪
♪ Yet I'm haunted by the buzzing ♪
♪ From the bathroom ♪
♪ Like tinnitus ♪
♪ Of the loins. ♪
So, what's the plan?
We split up.
Your job is critical. You see those
- three women over there?
- Uh-huh.
I need you to distract them
while I talk to their husbands.
You can talk to them about
anything, anything at all,
except for raising taxes,
charter school vouchers
and being pro-choice.
Can you do that?
- Absolutely. No problem.
- Good.
Mmm, I love this champagne.
The level of carbonation is just right.
Mm, well is it champagne
or sparkling wine?
I never know.
Oh.
One of life's great mysteries,
like how to fix public education.
Actually, it's not a mystery.
You just adequately
fund school districts
irrespective of their tax base.
Kidding. Uh, vouchers are the
only way to go, am I right?
Mm.
Mmm, this Brie is divine.
I know.
Soft cheeses are like crack to me.
Crack, yeah. Crack, that is...
a funny thing to make a joke about
because it is not at all a cheap drug
disseminated by the CIA during
the Reagan administration
to decimate our inner cities.
Damn it, I mean, uh,
Nancy Reagan was a national
hero and a style icon, right?
You are absolutely right.
Uh, Roe v. Wade is nothing
short of judicial activism.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God, I was about to tell her that
states should be free to
make individual choices,
but reproductive rights...
You performed flawlessly.
The table is set for our plan.
Oh.
- What do we do now?
- Now... we dance.
Is this part of the plan?
No, I just wanted to dance.
Oh.
Nathaniel, why are you
doing all this for me really?
Honestly, I don't know. I...
When I'm around you, I
stop thinking about myself
and I think about you.
It's very confusing.
Wow, that's... for you,
that's not confusing.
That's-that's like a miracle.
Rebecca, it's done. We did it.
Done? What do you mean?
We just ruined Josh Chan's
life for good, the two of us.
We're unstoppable.
Let's get out of here.
Uh-huh.
Hey, you don't have
to do this, you know,
regardless of our deal.
I want to.
I've always wanted to.
Well, that was actually very satisfying.
Isn't it always?
Only 39% of the time.
There's some interesting
literature on the subject,
but, Nathaniel, tell me,
what did we do to Josh?
Mm, you sure you want to know?
I don't want to corrupt
your innocent soul.
Mm, no, no, no, tell me, please.
Well, okay.
You said you wanted
to ruin him, right?
Uh-huh.
Well, to ruin a man, you have
to go after what he loves most.
Video games.
- Not that. Okay.
- He cares about family.
Family.
Okay.
So that's what we went after.
We went after Josh's family?
Oh, okay.
First, Josh's sister, Jastenity,
she's about to be accused of plagiarism
and kicked out of Cal State Northridge.
Oh...
Oh, really? That's a bummer.
'Cause she just got on the dean's list.
Not as much of a bummer
as what's gonna happen
to Josh's father.
- Oh... uh, Joseph?
- Joseph.
He is about to be audited
for financial malfeasance
at his radiology lab.
There's gonna be criminal charges.
And once that happens, he'll be a felon,
and his permanent resident
status will be revoked.
- Oh, my God!
- And that's not all.
I'm saving the very best for last.
Josh's grandfather is about
to draw his last breath.
His lolo? What do you mean?
One of the men at the party
owns a chain of hospices.
We have direct access to
Lolo and his oxygen tank.
You're gonna kill Josh's lolo?!
Eat it, zombies.
No one can rise from the dead.
It's stupid.
Josh?
Uh, Father, um... sorry.
Um, I'm sorry.
Uh, obviously, you know, Jesus can
and-and-and-and
did, and will again
rise from the dead.
Right? Huh?
Son, is everything okay?
Did you talk to God?
I talked to Him earlier
and asked Him not to say anything,
but I thought He might blab.
No, you just seemed upset,
so I was expressing concern.
Anyway, I have noticed you seeming torn
about your decision to come here,
so I decided to come by
with a special treat for you.
- Jelly beans?
- No.
At the service today,
I thought you might want to
pass the collection basket.
Are there no openings
in wine and wafers?
No. It's basket of nothing.
Okay. I do have a cool
suit from my almost-wedding.
Can I wear that?
Okay, buddy, I'm gonna
say yes to that one.
Cool.
Geez, this frickin' guy.
Oh, my God, undo it, undo it,
- just, right now!
- Fine, I'll undo it.
But you said you wanted
me to do evil things.
That's what I did.
I-I thought that's what
you said you wanted.
Yes, I... No. I don't know.
I don't know, I don't
know. Nothing feels right.
I've tried everything.
I've tried mailing poop,
I've tried the fake sex tape,
I've tried Paul's lawsuit idea.
Stop, go back. You tried mailing what?
But just none of it is
helping me feel better.
And your plan...
I'm sorry, it's awful.
Well, so picky.
Sounds like you don't like
anyone's porridge, Goldilocks.
Why doesn't anybody
understand what I really want?
Well, what do you really want?
I want him to face what he did to me.
He left me at my wedding.
He just left me, he left me
like a fool standing there
in that... in that big, stupid waste
of an expensive wedding dress.
And he didn't even let me confront him
in front of everyone.
He didn't let me embarrass
him the way he embarrassed me.
He robbed me of that moment.
Well, what would that have done?
That would have just made
things even more humiliating.
It would have made me feel good.
Wow, I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry about all this.
You did all this for nothing.
Um...
I got to go.
Oh, my God, I'm so
embarrassed... I got to go.
- _
- Josh didn't even get the poop?!
Thank you, my son.
Easy with the "my sons," my son.
Oh. Roger, Father.
Paula.
Oh, no. What?
I am so happy that I ran into you.
I have been dying to thank you.
Thank me for what?
My beloved and I had the best night
of our 11-year marriage.
She had a very satisfactory climax,
and it's all thanks to
the women in the office,
including you.
- What are you talking about?
- Your cutting comment about
me never giving my wife an orgasm.
It changed my whole life.
Huh. I don't remember saying that, but,
you know, if I tossed out a mean comment
that changed your life,
you wouldn't be the first.
And by the way, if
your wife never told you
she was not getting off in 11 years,
that is on her.
I mean, clearly, you two have
a giant communication
gap that really speaks to
some very deep problems
in your relationship.
Anyway, working on a case...
Big game-changer, so...
see you later.
Oh.
Bye, Tim. Happy Sunday.
Rebecca, what are you doing here?
Why are you wearing that?
Oh...
Oh, you don't like the sight of this?
Huh? Thought you'd get
to go your whole life
without seeing this?
Good morrow, congregants.
Sorry to interrupt. I'm Rebecca Bunch,
and I'm here because I need to confront
my ex-fiancé, who
jilted me at the altar
seconds before our
wedding two weeks ago.
Rebecca, let's go outside and talk.
I-I'm sorry, Father Rodrigo.
Wow!
Wow, you're apologizing to him. To him!
And, no, I will not go outside and talk.
I want everyone to hear
what a fraud you are.
Y-You're right to be mad at me.
I-I should have reached out to you,
- but God had called me.
- Josh,
God did not reach out to you.
You're hiding,
because you're a coward.
It's been two weeks, Josh.
I have been waiting for anything...
A text, an e-mail, a phone call...
And I've... I've heard nothing.
Yes, you're right. I-I
should have e-mailed.
I-I have a draft. I can pull it up.
Miss, we're in the
middle of a service.
Father, do you know
what this person did to me?
- We really don't want to know.
- We want to know.
Great, great. 'Cause you're gonna know
all of the terrible things he did to me,
and all the terrible
things he made me do.
I never made you do anything.
Oh, yes, you did.
With every twinkly smile,
every kind compliment,
every little love kernel.
And that's why I did
all the things I did.
I had to do them.
You made me.
Hit it!
♪ After everything you made me do ♪
♪ That you didn't ask for ♪
♪ You pay me back with rejection ♪
♪ Pain and loss
♪ After everything you made me do ♪
♪ That you didn't ask for ♪
♪ I'm the one who
should be up there ♪
♪ On that cross ♪
You want to know all
the things I did for you?
♪ I moved here for you
'cause that day in New York ♪
♪ On the street you led me on ♪
♪ I whored myself
out at Beans's house ♪
♪ Just to find out
where you'd gone ♪
♪ I had to clog my
garbage disposal ♪
♪ When you ignored my calls
♪ I watched you have sex with Anna ♪
♪ While I was hiding
in a bathroom stall ♪
♪ I also watched you have sex ♪
♪ During a poop attack
on Thanksgiving ♪
♪ I now associate
toilets with heartbreak ♪
♪ Welcome to the hell I'm living ♪
♪ When you asked
Valencia to move in ♪
♪ I was such a mess ♪
♪ You can ask Paula,
she saw it all ♪
♪ From the camera on my dress ♪
♪ I ran over Anna's cat
just because I had to know ♪
♪ If she actually styled eyebrows ♪
♪ Or if she was dealin' blow ♪
♪ I paid some chick $10,000 ♪
♪ To take her wedding slot ♪
♪ That's how I moved
our wedding up ♪
♪ And, oh, yeah, I almost forgot ♪
♪ You gave me that
worthless proposal ♪
♪ And not even two weeks later ♪
♪ I made out with my boss ♪
♪ When we got stuck in an elevator ♪
♪ You're nothing without me ♪
♪ And my selfless humility ♪
♪ I held you up despite the fact ♪
♪ You lack brains and ability ♪
♪ After everything
I've done for you ♪
♪ I thought love
was the reason why ♪
♪ But now, Josh Chan ♪
♪ I say ♪
♪ Good-bye. ♪
My goodness, son, I am so sorry.
Sorry?
You're sorry?
Don't you see what this means?
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
There is no reason why
I should feel guilty.
Thank you, Lord!
Oh...
Oh, wow.
Oh, I feel so much better.
I did it.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.