Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
I need to confront my
ex-fiancé, who jilted me
at the altar seconds before
our wedding two weeks ago.
I want everyone to hear
all of the terrible things he did to me
and all the terrible
things he made me do.
She admitted she moved
here just to stalk me.
I'm telling you, Rebecca's crazy.
The only person who sounds
crazy right now is you.
BRAH: Hey, Paula. It's me, Father Brah.
We have an emergency.
- It's about Rebecca.
- _
Instead of prison, she was sentenced
to a psychiatric hospital.
PAULA: Oh, my God.
It's like we never really knew her.
Yeah, you're screwed.
I feel things for you.
I got to get the hell out of town.
NATHANIEL: I'll take you
wherever you want to go.
Thank you for saving me.
HEATHER: Rebecca, wait.
Paula called. You cannot leave.
Uh, just, uh, run! Just go around her.
- It's fine. Just go around her.
- What? Okay.
- Giddy-up! Giddy-up, horsey!
- No, I'm serious. Stop.
- All right, she's in my way now.
- You cannot go.
Rebecca, wait. We need
to talk about this.
We know everything that happened.
About Robert, your arrest,
your stay in the hospital.
Hos... ♪ La, la, la ♪
Hospi... ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
Just... Nathaniel, it's
fine. Just ignore them.
Just-just-just barrel on through.
- Let's go to Roma. Come on.
- PAULA: Look.
Obviously, there's something
going on between you two.
I mean, you're doing an Officer
and a Gentleman type of thing.
- But now is not the time.
- Okay, it's fine.
Nathaniel, buddy, trust me.
This is a lot more
complicated than it seems.
Okay, Rebecca, I don't
know what's going on.
No. Okay. It's...
What-what happened is they're...
they're-they're being histrionic
because they found out
something about my past,
because, you know, you don't
tell everyone everything
about your past all the
time, and now they...
they all just, like, hate me,
and they're here to yell at me.
No, no, no. Honey, no. No
one is gonna yell at you.
And-and we don't hate you.
I mean, not at all. We... we love you.
And now... now that we know everything,
there's-there's no need to hide.
I mean, we all came because
we want to make sure that you're okay.
And...
Father Brah recommended
a doctor, a good one,
and I... want to take you there.
What do you mean, "a doctor"?
What is it? Is this some
kind of intervention?
What is this?
PAULA: No, no, it is not.
It is not an intervention.
It's a, it's a convention of loved ones.
No. No, no, it's not,
because-because I know that
Josh gave you those papers.
Yes, well, he's worried about you.
He's not worried about me.
No, he's not worried
about me. I saw you.
Paula, I just saw you with him.
I-I listened to
your messages, and I heard
Father Brah's voice mail.
"Ooh, something's wrong with Rebecca.
Don't tell Rebecca." And
so I went to the office
and I saw you conspiring with Josh.
So... (chuckles)
God, what, are you, like,
best friends with Josh now?
- No. - Is that it? He's,
like, your bestie now?
- He's worried about me? Is that it?
- Honey, no, no, no, no.
No, I see what this is. You
guys aren't here to help me.
You're here to, like, put me away
and get me out of your... lives.
You want me to just
shut up and calm down,
and that I shouldn't think about Josh.
Well, you know what, I'm done.
No, I'm not falling for this
fake intervention-convention.
I know my rights.
You can't put me away
without my consent.
Nathaniel, pick me back up.
Pick me back up. Come on.
- Rebecca, hang on.
- Pick me back up.
Rebecca, I don't really know
what's going on right now.
Wow.
You, too, Nathaniel?
Huh. No, I get it.
You've been, you've
been texting with them
this whole time, haven't you?
You've been texting and
plotting with everyone, right?
You're a traitor, just like them.
You're all traitors,
and that's what the whole
"Run away with me to Rome" was, right?
Okay. Rebecca, Rebecca,
you need to calm down.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
- VALENCIA: Rebecca.
We're not trying to hurt you, okay?
What Paula told us is upsetting.
It's upsetting. Upsetting.
Hey, Valencia, you
know what's upsetting?
Um, forcing your dream
wedding on someone else
because no one wants
to actually marry you.
Wow.
Whoa, that's mean.
It's okay, Valencia. She didn't mean it.
She's just projecting her
feelings of insecurity and upset
onto you 'cause she feels trapped.
Oh, words of wisdom from the
community college student.
How unexpected.
Heather, um, you're pathetic.
You know that? Yeah. You're pathetic.
'Cause you were so
desperate to stay in school,
they had to kick you out.
Who does that?
You're just... you're a fraud.
DARRYL: Excuse me.
Would it be inappropriate if I
went to the bathroom right now?
My stomach really hurts.
Darryl, what is wrong with you?
Were you kicked in the head by a horse?
Seriously, it is laughable
that you're my boss.
Oh, God, I wish you hadn't said anything
'cause it's so easy to take you down.
Honey.
Hmm? Honey bunny, Honey Bunches of Oats,
your boyfriend does not
want a baby with you.
Read the tea leaves, 'cause
they're not tea leaves.
It's a big neon sign
that says, "No baby."
PAULA: Okay, honey, just take a breath.
You're not thinking straight.
(chuckles): Oh, I'm
not thinking straight.
Why? 'Cause I'm crazy?
- No.
- 'Cause I'm crazy, Paula?
(laughs) You know what?
I'm nothing compared to you, Paula.
Yeah, you guys know about
your ringleader here?
How out of her mind she is?
Oh, you haven't told them?
Hmm? Have you told them?
Have you not told them
about the hidden cameras
and the tracking devices,
fake car accident?
Hmm? Yeah?
You know what?
If I'm crazy, you made me crazier,
because you made me do terrible things
because your life is broken and boring.
- Oh, come on, Cookie.
- And don't call me Cookie!
I hate that name. I hate it.
It's like you think I'm
your daughter or something,
but I'm not.
Stop treating me
like I'm your daughter. It is pathetic.
Why don't you go home to
your real family for a change?
So, yeah.
You know.
It's, like, before you
tell me to help myself,
maybe you should, like, help yourselves.
Bunch out!
Hi, Josh. It's me.
You know, Josh, you've
done some crappy things,
but handing over damaging
personal information
to my friends, I mean, that's low.
You know what? You're
scum, Josh. You're scum.
Anyway, call me. It's Rebecca Bunch.
Straight to voice mail again, of course.
Yeah, hi, you know, I
really need to talk to you.
'Cause here's the thing, you
can't treat people like this.
Do you hear me? You can't
treat people like this.
Have you no decency, sir?
Again, it's Rebecca Bunch. Call me.
FaceTime. Hi.
- Pick up! Pick up for my face!
- (line ringing)
Pick up! Pick up! Pick up for my face!
Look at my face, Josh. Look at my face!
Look at my face!
Look at my face! Look at my face!
Wow.
That was... awful.
I mean, I knew she was gonna be
upset, but that was just way worse
than I thought.
I got to go find her.
Wait, Paula.
Look, I've been to a lot of
interventions in my life...
How many times do I
have to tell you it
was not an intervention?
You're right. It wasn't.
It was kind of a
giant, last-minute mess.
No offense. Anyways,
when you do an intervention,
they always tell you, you
don't chase after the person.
They have to want help.
Look, I don't know why
you guys are so worked up.
You ganged up on her.
Of course she's upset.
She'll come back when she cools off.
And how do you know that?
Hmm, I know her pretty well.
Okay?
We did it.
Twice.
One night, but two times that night.
Listen, I'm trying to say
I know her better than
all of you guys, okay?
And yeah, she's zany,
but in a cute way.
Dude, catch up.
You're behind.
Okay, I'm not just
gonna stand here. Okay?
I-I've got to go find her
before she hurts herself.
Or hurts someone else.
I mean, she did try to
burn her ex's house down.
It says so in those papers.
- It says what?
- DARRYL: Hurt someone?
No!
I mean, come on.
She's just going through a rough time.
It's still our Rebecca.
She's a sweet person.
She would never, ever hurt anyone.
(horror music sting plays)
MAN (Danish accent): Excuse me.
Can I have my hunting knife back?
Yes. Sorry.
I saw it sticking out of your bag.
It's so sharp and scary... I love it.
You know what they say,
no one likes jagged
reindeer meat. (laughing)
(chuckles) Yeah.
Hi.
I am Jarl, from Denmark.
Miss, do you think the famous
people might be staying here?
I want to meet the
stars of Hollywood...
Scarlett Johansson,
Viggo Mortensen,
Erika Christensen.
So you... you came to a
youth hostel in West Covina
just to meet
Danish-American movie stars?
Ja.
Them and Pauly Shore.
(chuckles)
That guy. (chuckles)
God, you know, I do love
Erika Christensen though.
- Right? - Oh, my God, she's so
good in the movie Swimfan.
- Ja. - I just recently watched
it, like, eight times.
And I saw the director's cut,
with 20 minutes more swimming.
- What?!
- It's amazing.
And Erika Christensen just
kicks ass in that movie.
Oh, yes.
"His biggest fan just
- became his worst nightmare."
- "Just became his worst nightmare!"
Yes! Yes. Oh, my God.
Erika Christensen is so strong
and brave in that movie. I mean,
I-I know she's technically
the villain and a "murderer."
But, you know what, she
is treated so unfairly.
- Yes. - Like, he-he tells
her that he cares about her
and then casts her
aside, like she's garbage.
I mean, I totally get it.
It's how my ex is treating me right now.
Well, maybe you should
drown him in the deep end.
(laughs): Oh. Maybe I should, Jarl.
(both laughing)
- Maybe I should, Jarl.
- (horror music sting plays)
Jarl, Jarl, that's
exactly what I should do!
Oh, my God! That's what I've been
needing to do this whole time.
Go full Christensen!
God! Oh, my God.
You are so smart, man.
Uh-oh.
Oh, you get me. Yep.
You support me in a
way no one else does.
Oh. Thank you.
- This feels fast.
- The truth is,
I've been wanting to go
after Josh for weeks now,
but it was my friends...
Well, my former friends;
you know, you're my
only real friend, Jarl...
Who were holding me back with their
(mocking voice): common
sense and moral compass.
- Ugh. - I mean, that's why I'm off
the grid. That's why I'm here,
so they can't find me. I'm not
answering their calls either.
Ha-ha! Now they're out of the picture,
and Rebecca Bunch is free
to do whatever she wants.
And what I want is for
Josh Chan to feel as hurt
and as powerless and
as vulnerable as I do.
And, Jarl, I will not stop... (chuckles)
until he gets on his
knees, screams at the sky
and wishes he'd never been born.
You have the anger of
a much taller woman.
Oh, I am angry, Jarl.
I'm seven-feet-tall
angry.
(echoing): And I have every right to be.
- (sultry, dramatic music playing)
- _
_
_
_
_
_
- ♪ Scary, scary, sexy lady ♪
- _
♪ Angry, scary, sexy lady ♪
- ♪ Angry like a witch ♪
- _
- ♪ But sexy like a sexy witch ♪
- _
- ♪ Scary, scary, sexy lady ♪
- _
♪ Angry, angry, sexy, scary lady ♪
- ♪ Scorned like a lady ♪
- _
♪ And angry like a lady scorned ♪
♪ Wearing high heels ♪
♪ And a short skirt made of murder ♪
- ♪ A trench coat made of pain ♪
- _
♪ She's walking down an alleyway ♪
♪ High heels made of daggers ♪
♪ And eyes made of daggers, too ♪
♪ She's here to chop
your penis off. ♪
♪ ♪
(horror music sting plays)
(horror music sting plays)
LOURDES: Someone at church asked me
about you suddenly coming
back from the seminary,
and I said, "Bridget
Washburn, who are you to judge?
- Your daughter is a whore."
- Lourdes!
It's not hyperbole.
She's an escort.
No shame in it.
She bought a condo
and paid for Bridget's gastric bypass.
Hmm.
Josh, honey,
I feel for you.
Coming home can't be easy.
You have lots of messes to clean up.
I mean, I guess so.
It's a shame. I miss Rebecca.
I made a place in my
heart for another daughter.
Did you two smooth things over?
She was so in love with you.
She must be so disappointed, right?
(clears throat) She's
a-a bit disappointed.
- Um, she left a few.. couple messages.
- Oh.
But, um, I think we should, um,
just give each other a
little space right now.
Anyways, I don't really
want to talk about it.
I just want to move on.
That's very wise.
Mm-hmm.
No, I got to start making
some more mature decisions.
Taking myself seriously.
This morning, I called Alex,
asked him for my job back,
he said okay, and when I get there,
I'm gonna ask for that raise I deserve.
(scoffs) Disappear and ask for a raise.
- Seems like a good plan.
- Thanks, Dad.
I want to focus on my future right now.
All the good things ahead of me.
- (loud thump)
- Oh, my God, what was that?
Joseph!
I've been telling you to
get that jacaranda trimmed.
Slapping the window again.
Oh, God, I-I thought that was...
that was like out of a
scary movie or something.
(chuckles)
(Josh and Lourdes laugh)
(mocking laugh)
That's right. Laugh it off, Channy Boy.
I'm coming for you.
VALENCIA: You know,
Rebecca better watch out
how she talks to me,
because I don't even care,
I will take out these hoop
earrings and yank a pony.
Oh, come on, you can't take
what she said personally.
She's not in her right mind.
Which is exactly why I'm here.
She's so lucky she cray.
Oh, come on. I am so frustrated.
I mean, I tried to
track her, but, you know,
she turned off the location
services on her phone,
and she doesn't have her
car that I put the GPS on,
and the tracker I put in her shoulder
- ran out of batteries months ago.
- What?
Oh, it's just a little "boop."
They don't even feel it. You have one.
But don't worry,
- it's dead, too.
- Wait, what?
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I-I'm sorry.
Look, when we became friends,
I-I meant to tell you.
Before you and Josh broke
up, Rebecca and I were on
a full-on sabotage mission.
I tracked you, I hacked your stuff,
I may have blackmailed
some people in your
life for information,
but I am not proud of it.
- Paula!
- I know, I know.
But I just wanted Rebecca's
love story to... to work out.
I'm sorry.
Do you forgive me?
God, this sucks.
I mean... I thought you
guys were my friends,
and you were manipulating
me the whole time.
We were manipulating
you, but then we were-n't.
(sighs)
Okay, look, I am just
as surprised as you are
that you and I are friends.
I mean, you are literally... the
girl I hated in high school.
But I am your friend now,
and... I love you,
and Rebecca is your
friend and she loves you,
and female friendships are very strange,
and I just... stop complaining.
Because we have to help Rebecca now,
even if you think she
deserves a yank on the pony.
Now let's go. (sighs)
(groans)
(phone ringing)
(ringing continues)
Hello? Who is this?
How did you get this number?
This is a private line. I
got it on my 13th birth...
(swing creaking)
Rebecca
Rebecca!
- Rebecca?
- Rebecca
Hey *** Thanks so much
for coming out, you guys.
because this has been a hard night
Yeah, this whole thing totally sounds
like an intervention
I went to five of those for my uncle.
Last one was actually an intervention
because he couldn't stop
watching Intervention on A&E.
I mean, it worked, but then
he moved on to Hoarders.
Now he's got, like,
80 of those on his DVR.
And, you guessed it,
he will not delete them.
They're just piling up.
You know what? Just realized I'm
gonna have to intervene again.
WHITE JOSH: Wow.
I have crazy relatives, but all we do
is talk about them when they
leave, like a normal family.
It was a really tough conversation.
Rebecca was obviously very upset.
She started saying crazy things.
Like, out of the blue, she was like,
"Oh, White Josh does not
want to have a baby with you,"
which is crazy because
well, one: how would she know that?
And two: you said you
would consider it, right?
So she's way off.
You said you would consider it, right?
- Yeah-huh.
- Yep.
Yeah, uh, I think I
see Heather up there.
Might just run up,
see how she's doing.
No, no, no. No, no, no,
Hector, you got to stay.
Ain't no search party
like a Hector search party.
You're great at this. In high school,
you found that girl who
drank all that Sambuca
and passed out in her
neighbor's yard, remember?
Oh, yeah, Susie Reynolds.
You know she's a state senator now?
No way, I thought she was an escort.
No, that's Angie Washburn. Oh, right.
Joshua, if you're not
really considering the baby
and you're just humoring me...
Oh, boy. Darryl...
I'm out. Heather, wait up.
(quietly): Yeah...
I can't get over this.
I had no idea this was in her past.
It's a big blow.
I guess I'm partly to blame,
'cause I'm the one who told
you to go for it with her.
I got too involved
in your personal life.
I regret it.
Now can we go back to the restaurant?
Because we are waiting for a lava cake.
Yeah, they said it
would take 20 minutes,
and we've been here for 30, so...
NATHANIEL: You know what? I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
I interrupted your date,
which you're paying for
with the money I give you every week!
You're right. Let's stay.
I don't even really want lava cake.
I do.
I do, too.
(exhales)
- Oh, hey.
- Hey. Hi.
Glad I saw you.
I had to get away from
White Josh and Darryl. Man...
Ugh. Well, you can walk with me.
I'm not actually looking for Rebecca,
because you can't fix people
who don't want to be helped,
- but...
- Hmm.
...swinging a flashlight around is fun.
So Velma.
I'm totally a Shaggy.
(laughs): Oh, my God,
you totally are, so...
(coyote howls)
Oh. I'm sorry.
No, I liked it.
Your arms are really
smooth. Do you depilate?
I do not.
Just naturally silky.
Good for surfing.
I do shave the hair around my nipples.
I mean, who doesn't?
(coyote howls)
Okay, that actually kind
of freaked me out, so...
hold me, Silky Arms.
(howling continues)
(gasps)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(panting)
Rebecca!
Rebecca!
I know this is you! Stop it!
Leave me alone!
I'm not gonna let you
get to me, you hear me?
I'm not afraid of you.
(grunts)
(laughing quietly)
REBECCA: So I'm totally getting to him,
and he's totally afraid
of me... It's great!
Jarl. Hey, hey, hey.
Wake up, Jarlsberg. I'm trying
to tell you something important.
I am tired.
You woke me up in the
middle of the night.
I have to get up early
to go to the Autry Museum
of the American West.
Ew. What? Don't go there.
It's just a bunch of pictures
of Roy Rogers.
You mean Gene Autry?
Who cares? Anyway, Jarl.
You won't believe what's happening.
So I have decided to reenact
every great revenge movie ever made,
and it's... ugh! It is so
good to see Josh squirm.
But what happens after you do
all these scary things to him?
I-I don't know.
I-I feel better, I guess?
No. You die.
- (horror music sting plays)
- Whoa, what?
That's how every one
of these movies ends.
Stabbing, shooting, drowning.
The monster has to be killed.
Once you start this,
skagget I postkassen.
Huh?
You have a beard in your mailbox.
That doesn't clarify anything.
It means you are about to be caught.
And when you are caught, you are killed.
(horror music sting plays)
No.
No. That-that's...
No. That's-that's not
how my movie has to end.
No. Uh-uh. No, no. No.
I am independently
financed... in my own mind.
Jarl, don't you see? This
story is not just about
blind evil revenge,
this is, this is about retribution.
And redistribution of misery.
Making Josh feel like
I've felt my whole life.
Wait, you were unhappy
before you met him?
Then how is this his fault?
What? He exploited that unhappiness!
He-he took his normal
and rubbed it in my face.
So what I am hearing is, it's
not really about Josh, per Se.
Josh is more a symbol
of effortless normalcy
from which you always felt excluded.
(horror music sting plays)
No, it's about Josh.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
You're not making any sense.
Although your English
is fantastic, so I mean,
bravo, Danish school system. (scoffs)
♪ ♪
(groans) So, we crapped out.
We can't find her.
Now what do we do?
Guys, I'm telling you.
She's either gonna
come back or she's not.
We just have to face that.
I mean, she probably just took an Uber
to the outlets or something.
That's where I would go if
I turned on all my friends.
- I'm a real outlet girl.
- I feel so terrible. I mean, I failed
as a best friend and matron of honor.
And a parent, I guess.
Wait, do you guys agree with Rebecca?
Do you think I'm a bad mom?
BOTH (high-pitched): Uh...
Oh, two-part harmony bad?
- Really?
- VALENCIA: Truth?
You're not the most attentive parent.
Brendan's my weed guy.
He's starting a business? That's great!
What? Not the right response?
NATHANIEL: Hey, can
you guys keep it down?
(grunts) Penny and George are asleep.
They're so beat.
Who? What?
Why are you in my house?
Rebecca could come back
here. I have to wait for her.
I called the police, but apparently
we can't report her missing
for another 36 hours,
because she's just a person
who walked out of her own house.
(blows raspberry)
Anyway, shh.
- Right.
- Okay.
Well, I guess I'll just
keep trying to call her,
and check the tracker,
in case she slips up.
Speaking of which, I am
gonna go see the doctor,
get this tracker out of my shoulder.
- What?
- PAULA: Suit yourself,
but I just think you
should get a new battery,
'cause if you get human trafficked,
you'll be glad you have it.
Cool, cool. That all sounds terrifying.
Anyways, I'm gonna go
get breakfast with Hector
to distract myself from the
fact that Rebecca was right.
I am an aimless cynic who
has no plans for my future.
Um, and I do have to
do something about that
at some point, in my
life, like, for sure.
But right now, I'm just
gonna go get breakfast burritos
with Hector and his sweet, sweet ass.
Okay, bye.
Okay. Bye.
Thank you so much for
giving me my job back.
You know, while I was
up in priest school...
- Preschool?
- Priest school.
Oh. That makes sense.
So, I've really been
thinking a lot lately,
and... I'm worth a lot more than...
Bro, I got to stop you.
First, I think you're
about to ask for a raise
after I graciously
gave you your job back,
so way to go on the cojones.
But, dude, I've got a problem.
I got an anonymous tip about you.
Aw. I didn't know there was a tip jar
for the back office assistant managers.
People are so thoughtful.
No. Someone called with
some information about you.
You want to explain why I
found all this in your locker?
Alex, come on. I-I didn't do that.
Dude, I don't steal.
Wait, anonymous information tip?
Bro, I-I know who it is.
I-I know who called you.
Rebecca. S-She's coming after me
really hard right now.
She-she planted all
that stuff in there.
Maybe.
I believe you.
- (sighs)
- I don't know.
I still have to suspend you.
- Wait, what? No...
- Yeah. Sorry.
Corporate is uptight.
They don't like stealing. It's weird.
Sorry, bro.
Pack your flip-flops and go.
(groans)
Oh, this is where I left my flip-flops.
Well, that's an upside.
REBECCA: Hi, Josh.
Where's your mom?
You might want to check.
Hope Lourdes is okay.
Lourdes, it's so wonderful
that we get to spend some time together.
I know! (chuckles)
- Shall we?
- My pleasure.
I think this will be a day
that you'll never forget.
(chuckles)
(both laugh)
(Laughs)
I used to come here every
year with Josh and the girls.
They grew up and lost
interest in carnivals,
but I still love them.
Oh, me, too. I'm never too
old for a good carnival.
(carousel playing "I Give Good Parent")
You know, Lourdes,
one of the things I really regret
about everything that's happened
is I'll never get to
be your daughter-in-law.
Oh, I know.
And I did think you would
be a good influence on Joshy.
Oh, I tried, I really did, but...
sometimes you never know
what people are capable of.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- You want to ride the Death Drop?
- Oh, it's my favorite!
- Completely in the dark.
- Exactly.
Anything can happen on that ride.
- Mm.
- Hmm?
You know what?
Even though most of me is
still worried about Rebecca,
this is fun.
You guys are not too terrible.
I'm glad you're here with us, Paula.
Yeah. Come on. We're a hell
of a lot better than Rebecca.
And she's a psycho. I don't know why
it took you guys so
long to figure that out.
- Good boobs, though.
- Brendan, be respectful.
Sorry. Beautiful breasts.
- Oh, my God.
- Mom, I'm almost a grown man.
No. No, no, no. That's not it. I just...
(Lourdes and Rebecca laughing)
That looks like...
Like who?
No, I-I just thought I saw
Rebecca with Josh's mom, but
I couldn't have seen that.
That's not possible.
Wow, I guess I... still
have Rebecca on the brain.
TOMMY: Yeah, you must. Hey, since you seem
kind of distracted, can I get a tattoo?
Just a small blueprint
of the local prison.
Yeah, okay.
♪ ♪
Where is she?!
(children's laughter echoing)
Josh.
Dad told me you brought my mom here.
You seem upset, Josh.
What's wrong?
You kidnapped my mother.
What? I did no such thing.
Relax. We're just having a little fun.
She doesn't know who you are.
What you're capable of. I do.
You're completely unhinged.
I've had it with you, you hear me?
This is enough. You
don't mess with my family.
Oh, but it's okay for
you to mess with my life?
Huh? You have still
not apologized or explained
about what happened between us.
I've called you 37 times,
texted you 84 times,
and nothing. You couldn't
even do me the common courtesy
of getting back to me.
So you kidnap my mother?
Do you understand how crazy that is?
You're crazy!
Where's my mother, Rebecca?
Where?!
REBECCA: What are you
gonna do, Josh, huh?
Are you gonna kill me?
You gonna push me into this hole
at this janky-ass carnival?
Where is my mother?!
Josh, just relax, okay?
I've had it.
I'm sick and tired of you.
I want you out of my life!
Oh, God.
(children's laughter echoing)
- (woman screaming)
- JARL: You die.
Oh!
Whoa!
(panting)
Damn it, Rebecca!
Lourdes is right there.
She's getting a caramel apple.
(panting)
I'd never hurt your mother.
God, okay, look.
I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.
I know I got carried away,
but I was just trying
to get your attention.
I was just trying to
get you to notice me.
So now that... now that we're here,
let's just have a conversation.
Okay? Let's just, let's...
Can we, can we please talk
to each other like humans?
I mean, God, we've been in
each other's lives for so long,
there's so much between us,
you-you can't just throw it away
like it means nothing.
If you ever, ever,
get near me or anyone
I care about ever again,
I'm calling the police.
Josh.
Josh. Hey. No, no.
You can't do this.
Because I-I... I don't know who I am
if you're not in my life anymore.
Leave... me... alone.
♪ ♪
(knocking on door)
(crying): Hi. Um, I need you.
I need help. Please.
Oh, honey, it's okay, it's okay.
I need my mom.
Please. Please.
Please.
Rebecca. What? What's wrong?
We shouldn't keep cake in there.
Oh, my God, I must've fallen
asleep while I was studying.
I just had the most scary, vivid dream.
It's Rebecca. She's in
trouble, I just know it.
She's about to hit rock bottom.
I can feel it. I have to do something.
(country music playing over speakers)
What can I get you?
Um...
Gin and tonic, and, um, extra strong.
Got it.
You know, I had a friend
who used to come here.
He worked at a... a different bar,
but he would do his study drinking here.
(drink pouring)
Whenever I was out of
options, he was always there.
I remember that guy.
The one that was always
talking about Emory.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's where he is.
- (laughs)
I'm so lost, man.
It's like, I don't...
I don't know what story
I'm in anymore, you know?
(phone ringing, vibrating)
Hmm.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Look, look, look, look. It's Emory.
- _
It-it's the guy.
He knew that I needed
him! He just, he knew!
On some primal level, deep down...
Greg, hi, hi.
Greg. Greg.
Greg? Greg, I'm here.
Gregory?
Oh, man. Butt dial?
(sighs)
Greg, Greg? Hey.
Hey, Greg, can you hear me?
I really need you
right now. It's Rebecca.
Greg.
I-I hear you ordering
a cheeseburger, Greg!
Greg, pick up!
Greg?
(crying): Greg?
(sobs softly)
He doesn't want me.
Nobody wants me.
I've-I've officially
alienated every person I know.
This can't be the way things end.
All of my time in West
Covina, it can't just end
with me sitting alone
at this crappy bar.
Hey.
I worked my whole
life to own this place.
It's my dream.
Oh, my God.
That's-that's old Greg.
Uh, it's Greg's dad, Marco.
I got, I got... I got
to go say hello to him.
(clears throat)
Hi.
- Oh, boy.
- No, don't get up.
Okay? I'm leaving soon. I know
you... hate me. Everyone does.
I... I don't know, I
just wanted to say hello.
Hi. I don't know why.
- Ah. You been boozing, huh?
- No. I'm not really a boozer,
unlike your drunky son
who just butt-dialed me.
So, how, uh...
How is that guy, anyway?
What, you haven't heard?
What? He's drinking again?
He flunked out? He's
bald? He's sad? He's fat?
He's fat and bald and sad?
No, he's sober. And he, uh,
fell madly in love with
a girl in his class.
(giggles)
Um... (clears throat) What?
Yeah.
What's, um, what's her
first and last name,
and just in case it's common,
what's her middle name?
Oh, no, you don't. No, no, no.
For the first time in his
life, he's really doing great.
He's-he's really content.
He's... happy.
(echoing):... happy.
Cool.
Cool, that's great.
Okay, so everyone just gets
to be happy, except for me.
Got it.
Come on. I'm not worried about you.
You know, you're a smart
broad, you got a nice figure.
You'll be fine.
Really?
'Cause sometimes, I...
Sometimes, I really think
I'm not gonna be fine.
You're gonna bounce right back
from whatever it is
you're going through.
Trust me.
Why are you being nice?
I thought you hated me, and...
thought I was, like, crazy.
(chuckles) Aren't we all?
♪ ♪
(both grunting)
Hello, Naomi?
It's me, Paula. Don't hang up.
Look, I know you don't like me,
and I don't like you very much,
and we're very different
people, but we both love Rebecca.
And, you know, the thing is,
I've-I've kind of been her
surrogate mother for a while,
but you're her actual mother,
and she... needs you.
She needs help.
(macaws chirping)
(grunts)
♪ ♪
(whispers): No.
♪ ♪
♪ So this is the end of the movie ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ But real life isn't a movie ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ You want things to
be wrapped up neatly ♪
♪ The way that stories do ♪
♪ You're looking for answers ♪
♪ But answers aren't ♪
- ♪ looking for you ♪
- _
♪ Because life is a gradual
series of revelations ♪
♪ That occur over a period of time ♪
♪ It's not some
carefully crafted story ♪
♪ It's a mess, and
we're all gonna die ♪
♪ If you saw a movie
that was like real life ♪
♪ You'd be like "What the
hell was that movie about? ♪
♪ It was really all
over the place" ♪
♪ Life doesn't make
narrative sense ♪
♪ Nuh-uh... ♪
You don't want to have a baby, do you?
No, I don't think so.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
♪ ♪
♪ We tell ourselves
that we're in a movie ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Each one of us thinks
we got the starring role ♪
♪ Role, role, role ♪
♪ But the truth is
sometimes you're the lead ♪
♪ And sometimes you're an extra ♪
♪ Just walking by
in the background ♪
♪ Like me, Josh Groban! ♪
♪ Because life is a gradual
series of revelations ♪
♪ That occur over a period of time ♪
♪ Some things might happen
that seem connected ♪
♪ But there's not always
a reason or rhyme ♪
♪ People aren't characters,
they're complicated ♪
♪ And their choices
don't always make sense ♪
♪ That being said,
it's really messed up ♪
♪ That you banged
your ex-boyfriend's ♪
♪ Dad ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Never bang your ex-boyfriend's ♪
♪ Dad. ♪
- Hi, Jarl.
- _
- You do not look great.
- _
_
_
- I slept with my ex-boyfriend's dad.
- _
- (gasps)
- _
- That's not in any of the movies.
- _
- (sighs) I did it, Jarl.
- _
_
- I have officially ruined everything.
- _
I've burned my last bridge
with every person I've met
since I moved to West Covina.
- (ringtone playing, phone vibrating)
- _
God, I wonder whose
butt is calling me now.
(ringtone stops)
Hi, Mom.
Yup, I hear you.
No, you're absolutely right.
I give up.
I'll come home.
I need to confront my
ex-fiancé, who jilted me
at the altar seconds before
our wedding two weeks ago.
I want everyone to hear
all of the terrible things he did to me
and all the terrible
things he made me do.
She admitted she moved
here just to stalk me.
I'm telling you, Rebecca's crazy.
The only person who sounds
crazy right now is you.
BRAH: Hey, Paula. It's me, Father Brah.
We have an emergency.
- It's about Rebecca.
- _
Instead of prison, she was sentenced
to a psychiatric hospital.
PAULA: Oh, my God.
It's like we never really knew her.
Yeah, you're screwed.
I feel things for you.
I got to get the hell out of town.
NATHANIEL: I'll take you
wherever you want to go.
Thank you for saving me.
HEATHER: Rebecca, wait.
Paula called. You cannot leave.
Uh, just, uh, run! Just go around her.
- It's fine. Just go around her.
- What? Okay.
- Giddy-up! Giddy-up, horsey!
- No, I'm serious. Stop.
- All right, she's in my way now.
- You cannot go.
Rebecca, wait. We need
to talk about this.
We know everything that happened.
About Robert, your arrest,
your stay in the hospital.
Hos... ♪ La, la, la ♪
Hospi... ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
Just... Nathaniel, it's
fine. Just ignore them.
Just-just-just barrel on through.
- Let's go to Roma. Come on.
- PAULA: Look.
Obviously, there's something
going on between you two.
I mean, you're doing an Officer
and a Gentleman type of thing.
- But now is not the time.
- Okay, it's fine.
Nathaniel, buddy, trust me.
This is a lot more
complicated than it seems.
Okay, Rebecca, I don't
know what's going on.
No. Okay. It's...
What-what happened is they're...
they're-they're being histrionic
because they found out
something about my past,
because, you know, you don't
tell everyone everything
about your past all the
time, and now they...
they all just, like, hate me,
and they're here to yell at me.
No, no, no. Honey, no. No
one is gonna yell at you.
And-and we don't hate you.
I mean, not at all. We... we love you.
And now... now that we know everything,
there's-there's no need to hide.
I mean, we all came because
we want to make sure that you're okay.
And...
Father Brah recommended
a doctor, a good one,
and I... want to take you there.
What do you mean, "a doctor"?
What is it? Is this some
kind of intervention?
What is this?
PAULA: No, no, it is not.
It is not an intervention.
It's a, it's a convention of loved ones.
No. No, no, it's not,
because-because I know that
Josh gave you those papers.
Yes, well, he's worried about you.
He's not worried about me.
No, he's not worried
about me. I saw you.
Paula, I just saw you with him.
I-I listened to
your messages, and I heard
Father Brah's voice mail.
"Ooh, something's wrong with Rebecca.
Don't tell Rebecca." And
so I went to the office
and I saw you conspiring with Josh.
So... (chuckles)
God, what, are you, like,
best friends with Josh now?
- No. - Is that it? He's,
like, your bestie now?
- He's worried about me? Is that it?
- Honey, no, no, no, no.
No, I see what this is. You
guys aren't here to help me.
You're here to, like, put me away
and get me out of your... lives.
You want me to just
shut up and calm down,
and that I shouldn't think about Josh.
Well, you know what, I'm done.
No, I'm not falling for this
fake intervention-convention.
I know my rights.
You can't put me away
without my consent.
Nathaniel, pick me back up.
Pick me back up. Come on.
- Rebecca, hang on.
- Pick me back up.
Rebecca, I don't really know
what's going on right now.
Wow.
You, too, Nathaniel?
Huh. No, I get it.
You've been, you've
been texting with them
this whole time, haven't you?
You've been texting and
plotting with everyone, right?
You're a traitor, just like them.
You're all traitors,
and that's what the whole
"Run away with me to Rome" was, right?
Okay. Rebecca, Rebecca,
you need to calm down.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
- VALENCIA: Rebecca.
We're not trying to hurt you, okay?
What Paula told us is upsetting.
It's upsetting. Upsetting.
Hey, Valencia, you
know what's upsetting?
Um, forcing your dream
wedding on someone else
because no one wants
to actually marry you.
Wow.
Whoa, that's mean.
It's okay, Valencia. She didn't mean it.
She's just projecting her
feelings of insecurity and upset
onto you 'cause she feels trapped.
Oh, words of wisdom from the
community college student.
How unexpected.
Heather, um, you're pathetic.
You know that? Yeah. You're pathetic.
'Cause you were so
desperate to stay in school,
they had to kick you out.
Who does that?
You're just... you're a fraud.
DARRYL: Excuse me.
Would it be inappropriate if I
went to the bathroom right now?
My stomach really hurts.
Darryl, what is wrong with you?
Were you kicked in the head by a horse?
Seriously, it is laughable
that you're my boss.
Oh, God, I wish you hadn't said anything
'cause it's so easy to take you down.
Honey.
Hmm? Honey bunny, Honey Bunches of Oats,
your boyfriend does not
want a baby with you.
Read the tea leaves, 'cause
they're not tea leaves.
It's a big neon sign
that says, "No baby."
PAULA: Okay, honey, just take a breath.
You're not thinking straight.
(chuckles): Oh, I'm
not thinking straight.
Why? 'Cause I'm crazy?
- No.
- 'Cause I'm crazy, Paula?
(laughs) You know what?
I'm nothing compared to you, Paula.
Yeah, you guys know about
your ringleader here?
How out of her mind she is?
Oh, you haven't told them?
Hmm? Have you told them?
Have you not told them
about the hidden cameras
and the tracking devices,
fake car accident?
Hmm? Yeah?
You know what?
If I'm crazy, you made me crazier,
because you made me do terrible things
because your life is broken and boring.
- Oh, come on, Cookie.
- And don't call me Cookie!
I hate that name. I hate it.
It's like you think I'm
your daughter or something,
but I'm not.
Stop treating me
like I'm your daughter. It is pathetic.
Why don't you go home to
your real family for a change?
So, yeah.
You know.
It's, like, before you
tell me to help myself,
maybe you should, like, help yourselves.
Bunch out!
Hi, Josh. It's me.
You know, Josh, you've
done some crappy things,
but handing over damaging
personal information
to my friends, I mean, that's low.
You know what? You're
scum, Josh. You're scum.
Anyway, call me. It's Rebecca Bunch.
Straight to voice mail again, of course.
Yeah, hi, you know, I
really need to talk to you.
'Cause here's the thing, you
can't treat people like this.
Do you hear me? You can't
treat people like this.
Have you no decency, sir?
Again, it's Rebecca Bunch. Call me.
FaceTime. Hi.
- Pick up! Pick up for my face!
- (line ringing)
Pick up! Pick up! Pick up for my face!
Look at my face, Josh. Look at my face!
Look at my face!
Look at my face! Look at my face!
Wow.
That was... awful.
I mean, I knew she was gonna be
upset, but that was just way worse
than I thought.
I got to go find her.
Wait, Paula.
Look, I've been to a lot of
interventions in my life...
How many times do I
have to tell you it
was not an intervention?
You're right. It wasn't.
It was kind of a
giant, last-minute mess.
No offense. Anyways,
when you do an intervention,
they always tell you, you
don't chase after the person.
They have to want help.
Look, I don't know why
you guys are so worked up.
You ganged up on her.
Of course she's upset.
She'll come back when she cools off.
And how do you know that?
Hmm, I know her pretty well.
Okay?
We did it.
Twice.
One night, but two times that night.
Listen, I'm trying to say
I know her better than
all of you guys, okay?
And yeah, she's zany,
but in a cute way.
Dude, catch up.
You're behind.
Okay, I'm not just
gonna stand here. Okay?
I-I've got to go find her
before she hurts herself.
Or hurts someone else.
I mean, she did try to
burn her ex's house down.
It says so in those papers.
- It says what?
- DARRYL: Hurt someone?
No!
I mean, come on.
She's just going through a rough time.
It's still our Rebecca.
She's a sweet person.
She would never, ever hurt anyone.
(horror music sting plays)
MAN (Danish accent): Excuse me.
Can I have my hunting knife back?
Yes. Sorry.
I saw it sticking out of your bag.
It's so sharp and scary... I love it.
You know what they say,
no one likes jagged
reindeer meat. (laughing)
(chuckles) Yeah.
Hi.
I am Jarl, from Denmark.
Miss, do you think the famous
people might be staying here?
I want to meet the
stars of Hollywood...
Scarlett Johansson,
Viggo Mortensen,
Erika Christensen.
So you... you came to a
youth hostel in West Covina
just to meet
Danish-American movie stars?
Ja.
Them and Pauly Shore.
(chuckles)
That guy. (chuckles)
God, you know, I do love
Erika Christensen though.
- Right? - Oh, my God, she's so
good in the movie Swimfan.
- Ja. - I just recently watched
it, like, eight times.
And I saw the director's cut,
with 20 minutes more swimming.
- What?!
- It's amazing.
And Erika Christensen just
kicks ass in that movie.
Oh, yes.
"His biggest fan just
- became his worst nightmare."
- "Just became his worst nightmare!"
Yes! Yes. Oh, my God.
Erika Christensen is so strong
and brave in that movie. I mean,
I-I know she's technically
the villain and a "murderer."
But, you know what, she
is treated so unfairly.
- Yes. - Like, he-he tells
her that he cares about her
and then casts her
aside, like she's garbage.
I mean, I totally get it.
It's how my ex is treating me right now.
Well, maybe you should
drown him in the deep end.
(laughs): Oh. Maybe I should, Jarl.
(both laughing)
- Maybe I should, Jarl.
- (horror music sting plays)
Jarl, Jarl, that's
exactly what I should do!
Oh, my God! That's what I've been
needing to do this whole time.
Go full Christensen!
God! Oh, my God.
You are so smart, man.
Uh-oh.
Oh, you get me. Yep.
You support me in a
way no one else does.
Oh. Thank you.
- This feels fast.
- The truth is,
I've been wanting to go
after Josh for weeks now,
but it was my friends...
Well, my former friends;
you know, you're my
only real friend, Jarl...
Who were holding me back with their
(mocking voice): common
sense and moral compass.
- Ugh. - I mean, that's why I'm off
the grid. That's why I'm here,
so they can't find me. I'm not
answering their calls either.
Ha-ha! Now they're out of the picture,
and Rebecca Bunch is free
to do whatever she wants.
And what I want is for
Josh Chan to feel as hurt
and as powerless and
as vulnerable as I do.
And, Jarl, I will not stop... (chuckles)
until he gets on his
knees, screams at the sky
and wishes he'd never been born.
You have the anger of
a much taller woman.
Oh, I am angry, Jarl.
I'm seven-feet-tall
angry.
(echoing): And I have every right to be.
- (sultry, dramatic music playing)
- _
_
_
_
_
_
- ♪ Scary, scary, sexy lady ♪
- _
♪ Angry, scary, sexy lady ♪
- ♪ Angry like a witch ♪
- _
- ♪ But sexy like a sexy witch ♪
- _
- ♪ Scary, scary, sexy lady ♪
- _
♪ Angry, angry, sexy, scary lady ♪
- ♪ Scorned like a lady ♪
- _
♪ And angry like a lady scorned ♪
♪ Wearing high heels ♪
♪ And a short skirt made of murder ♪
- ♪ A trench coat made of pain ♪
- _
♪ She's walking down an alleyway ♪
♪ High heels made of daggers ♪
♪ And eyes made of daggers, too ♪
♪ She's here to chop
your penis off. ♪
♪ ♪
(horror music sting plays)
(horror music sting plays)
LOURDES: Someone at church asked me
about you suddenly coming
back from the seminary,
and I said, "Bridget
Washburn, who are you to judge?
- Your daughter is a whore."
- Lourdes!
It's not hyperbole.
She's an escort.
No shame in it.
She bought a condo
and paid for Bridget's gastric bypass.
Hmm.
Josh, honey,
I feel for you.
Coming home can't be easy.
You have lots of messes to clean up.
I mean, I guess so.
It's a shame. I miss Rebecca.
I made a place in my
heart for another daughter.
Did you two smooth things over?
She was so in love with you.
She must be so disappointed, right?
(clears throat) She's
a-a bit disappointed.
- Um, she left a few.. couple messages.
- Oh.
But, um, I think we should, um,
just give each other a
little space right now.
Anyways, I don't really
want to talk about it.
I just want to move on.
That's very wise.
Mm-hmm.
No, I got to start making
some more mature decisions.
Taking myself seriously.
This morning, I called Alex,
asked him for my job back,
he said okay, and when I get there,
I'm gonna ask for that raise I deserve.
(scoffs) Disappear and ask for a raise.
- Seems like a good plan.
- Thanks, Dad.
I want to focus on my future right now.
All the good things ahead of me.
- (loud thump)
- Oh, my God, what was that?
Joseph!
I've been telling you to
get that jacaranda trimmed.
Slapping the window again.
Oh, God, I-I thought that was...
that was like out of a
scary movie or something.
(chuckles)
(Josh and Lourdes laugh)
(mocking laugh)
That's right. Laugh it off, Channy Boy.
I'm coming for you.
VALENCIA: You know,
Rebecca better watch out
how she talks to me,
because I don't even care,
I will take out these hoop
earrings and yank a pony.
Oh, come on, you can't take
what she said personally.
She's not in her right mind.
Which is exactly why I'm here.
She's so lucky she cray.
Oh, come on. I am so frustrated.
I mean, I tried to
track her, but, you know,
she turned off the location
services on her phone,
and she doesn't have her
car that I put the GPS on,
and the tracker I put in her shoulder
- ran out of batteries months ago.
- What?
Oh, it's just a little "boop."
They don't even feel it. You have one.
But don't worry,
- it's dead, too.
- Wait, what?
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I-I'm sorry.
Look, when we became friends,
I-I meant to tell you.
Before you and Josh broke
up, Rebecca and I were on
a full-on sabotage mission.
I tracked you, I hacked your stuff,
I may have blackmailed
some people in your
life for information,
but I am not proud of it.
- Paula!
- I know, I know.
But I just wanted Rebecca's
love story to... to work out.
I'm sorry.
Do you forgive me?
God, this sucks.
I mean... I thought you
guys were my friends,
and you were manipulating
me the whole time.
We were manipulating
you, but then we were-n't.
(sighs)
Okay, look, I am just
as surprised as you are
that you and I are friends.
I mean, you are literally... the
girl I hated in high school.
But I am your friend now,
and... I love you,
and Rebecca is your
friend and she loves you,
and female friendships are very strange,
and I just... stop complaining.
Because we have to help Rebecca now,
even if you think she
deserves a yank on the pony.
Now let's go. (sighs)
(groans)
(phone ringing)
(ringing continues)
Hello? Who is this?
How did you get this number?
This is a private line. I
got it on my 13th birth...
(swing creaking)
Rebecca
Rebecca!
- Rebecca?
- Rebecca
Hey *** Thanks so much
for coming out, you guys.
because this has been a hard night
Yeah, this whole thing totally sounds
like an intervention
I went to five of those for my uncle.
Last one was actually an intervention
because he couldn't stop
watching Intervention on A&E.
I mean, it worked, but then
he moved on to Hoarders.
Now he's got, like,
80 of those on his DVR.
And, you guessed it,
he will not delete them.
They're just piling up.
You know what? Just realized I'm
gonna have to intervene again.
WHITE JOSH: Wow.
I have crazy relatives, but all we do
is talk about them when they
leave, like a normal family.
It was a really tough conversation.
Rebecca was obviously very upset.
She started saying crazy things.
Like, out of the blue, she was like,
"Oh, White Josh does not
want to have a baby with you,"
which is crazy because
well, one: how would she know that?
And two: you said you
would consider it, right?
So she's way off.
You said you would consider it, right?
- Yeah-huh.
- Yep.
Yeah, uh, I think I
see Heather up there.
Might just run up,
see how she's doing.
No, no, no. No, no, no,
Hector, you got to stay.
Ain't no search party
like a Hector search party.
You're great at this. In high school,
you found that girl who
drank all that Sambuca
and passed out in her
neighbor's yard, remember?
Oh, yeah, Susie Reynolds.
You know she's a state senator now?
No way, I thought she was an escort.
No, that's Angie Washburn. Oh, right.
Joshua, if you're not
really considering the baby
and you're just humoring me...
Oh, boy. Darryl...
I'm out. Heather, wait up.
(quietly): Yeah...
I can't get over this.
I had no idea this was in her past.
It's a big blow.
I guess I'm partly to blame,
'cause I'm the one who told
you to go for it with her.
I got too involved
in your personal life.
I regret it.
Now can we go back to the restaurant?
Because we are waiting for a lava cake.
Yeah, they said it
would take 20 minutes,
and we've been here for 30, so...
NATHANIEL: You know what? I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
I interrupted your date,
which you're paying for
with the money I give you every week!
You're right. Let's stay.
I don't even really want lava cake.
I do.
I do, too.
(exhales)
- Oh, hey.
- Hey. Hi.
Glad I saw you.
I had to get away from
White Josh and Darryl. Man...
Ugh. Well, you can walk with me.
I'm not actually looking for Rebecca,
because you can't fix people
who don't want to be helped,
- but...
- Hmm.
...swinging a flashlight around is fun.
So Velma.
I'm totally a Shaggy.
(laughs): Oh, my God,
you totally are, so...
(coyote howls)
Oh. I'm sorry.
No, I liked it.
Your arms are really
smooth. Do you depilate?
I do not.
Just naturally silky.
Good for surfing.
I do shave the hair around my nipples.
I mean, who doesn't?
(coyote howls)
Okay, that actually kind
of freaked me out, so...
hold me, Silky Arms.
(howling continues)
(gasps)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(panting)
Rebecca!
Rebecca!
I know this is you! Stop it!
Leave me alone!
I'm not gonna let you
get to me, you hear me?
I'm not afraid of you.
(grunts)
(laughing quietly)
REBECCA: So I'm totally getting to him,
and he's totally afraid
of me... It's great!
Jarl. Hey, hey, hey.
Wake up, Jarlsberg. I'm trying
to tell you something important.
I am tired.
You woke me up in the
middle of the night.
I have to get up early
to go to the Autry Museum
of the American West.
Ew. What? Don't go there.
It's just a bunch of pictures
of Roy Rogers.
You mean Gene Autry?
Who cares? Anyway, Jarl.
You won't believe what's happening.
So I have decided to reenact
every great revenge movie ever made,
and it's... ugh! It is so
good to see Josh squirm.
But what happens after you do
all these scary things to him?
I-I don't know.
I-I feel better, I guess?
No. You die.
- (horror music sting plays)
- Whoa, what?
That's how every one
of these movies ends.
Stabbing, shooting, drowning.
The monster has to be killed.
Once you start this,
skagget I postkassen.
Huh?
You have a beard in your mailbox.
That doesn't clarify anything.
It means you are about to be caught.
And when you are caught, you are killed.
(horror music sting plays)
No.
No. That-that's...
No. That's-that's not
how my movie has to end.
No. Uh-uh. No, no. No.
I am independently
financed... in my own mind.
Jarl, don't you see? This
story is not just about
blind evil revenge,
this is, this is about retribution.
And redistribution of misery.
Making Josh feel like
I've felt my whole life.
Wait, you were unhappy
before you met him?
Then how is this his fault?
What? He exploited that unhappiness!
He-he took his normal
and rubbed it in my face.
So what I am hearing is, it's
not really about Josh, per Se.
Josh is more a symbol
of effortless normalcy
from which you always felt excluded.
(horror music sting plays)
No, it's about Josh.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
You're not making any sense.
Although your English
is fantastic, so I mean,
bravo, Danish school system. (scoffs)
♪ ♪
(groans) So, we crapped out.
We can't find her.
Now what do we do?
Guys, I'm telling you.
She's either gonna
come back or she's not.
We just have to face that.
I mean, she probably just took an Uber
to the outlets or something.
That's where I would go if
I turned on all my friends.
- I'm a real outlet girl.
- I feel so terrible. I mean, I failed
as a best friend and matron of honor.
And a parent, I guess.
Wait, do you guys agree with Rebecca?
Do you think I'm a bad mom?
BOTH (high-pitched): Uh...
Oh, two-part harmony bad?
- Really?
- VALENCIA: Truth?
You're not the most attentive parent.
Brendan's my weed guy.
He's starting a business? That's great!
What? Not the right response?
NATHANIEL: Hey, can
you guys keep it down?
(grunts) Penny and George are asleep.
They're so beat.
Who? What?
Why are you in my house?
Rebecca could come back
here. I have to wait for her.
I called the police, but apparently
we can't report her missing
for another 36 hours,
because she's just a person
who walked out of her own house.
(blows raspberry)
Anyway, shh.
- Right.
- Okay.
Well, I guess I'll just
keep trying to call her,
and check the tracker,
in case she slips up.
Speaking of which, I am
gonna go see the doctor,
get this tracker out of my shoulder.
- What?
- PAULA: Suit yourself,
but I just think you
should get a new battery,
'cause if you get human trafficked,
you'll be glad you have it.
Cool, cool. That all sounds terrifying.
Anyways, I'm gonna go
get breakfast with Hector
to distract myself from the
fact that Rebecca was right.
I am an aimless cynic who
has no plans for my future.
Um, and I do have to
do something about that
at some point, in my
life, like, for sure.
But right now, I'm just
gonna go get breakfast burritos
with Hector and his sweet, sweet ass.
Okay, bye.
Okay. Bye.
Thank you so much for
giving me my job back.
You know, while I was
up in priest school...
- Preschool?
- Priest school.
Oh. That makes sense.
So, I've really been
thinking a lot lately,
and... I'm worth a lot more than...
Bro, I got to stop you.
First, I think you're
about to ask for a raise
after I graciously
gave you your job back,
so way to go on the cojones.
But, dude, I've got a problem.
I got an anonymous tip about you.
Aw. I didn't know there was a tip jar
for the back office assistant managers.
People are so thoughtful.
No. Someone called with
some information about you.
You want to explain why I
found all this in your locker?
Alex, come on. I-I didn't do that.
Dude, I don't steal.
Wait, anonymous information tip?
Bro, I-I know who it is.
I-I know who called you.
Rebecca. S-She's coming after me
really hard right now.
She-she planted all
that stuff in there.
Maybe.
I believe you.
- (sighs)
- I don't know.
I still have to suspend you.
- Wait, what? No...
- Yeah. Sorry.
Corporate is uptight.
They don't like stealing. It's weird.
Sorry, bro.
Pack your flip-flops and go.
(groans)
Oh, this is where I left my flip-flops.
Well, that's an upside.
REBECCA: Hi, Josh.
Where's your mom?
You might want to check.
Hope Lourdes is okay.
Lourdes, it's so wonderful
that we get to spend some time together.
I know! (chuckles)
- Shall we?
- My pleasure.
I think this will be a day
that you'll never forget.
(chuckles)
(both laugh)
(Laughs)
I used to come here every
year with Josh and the girls.
They grew up and lost
interest in carnivals,
but I still love them.
Oh, me, too. I'm never too
old for a good carnival.
(carousel playing "I Give Good Parent")
You know, Lourdes,
one of the things I really regret
about everything that's happened
is I'll never get to
be your daughter-in-law.
Oh, I know.
And I did think you would
be a good influence on Joshy.
Oh, I tried, I really did, but...
sometimes you never know
what people are capable of.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- You want to ride the Death Drop?
- Oh, it's my favorite!
- Completely in the dark.
- Exactly.
Anything can happen on that ride.
- Mm.
- Hmm?
You know what?
Even though most of me is
still worried about Rebecca,
this is fun.
You guys are not too terrible.
I'm glad you're here with us, Paula.
Yeah. Come on. We're a hell
of a lot better than Rebecca.
And she's a psycho. I don't know why
it took you guys so
long to figure that out.
- Good boobs, though.
- Brendan, be respectful.
Sorry. Beautiful breasts.
- Oh, my God.
- Mom, I'm almost a grown man.
No. No, no, no. That's not it. I just...
(Lourdes and Rebecca laughing)
That looks like...
Like who?
No, I-I just thought I saw
Rebecca with Josh's mom, but
I couldn't have seen that.
That's not possible.
Wow, I guess I... still
have Rebecca on the brain.
TOMMY: Yeah, you must. Hey, since you seem
kind of distracted, can I get a tattoo?
Just a small blueprint
of the local prison.
Yeah, okay.
♪ ♪
Where is she?!
(children's laughter echoing)
Josh.
Dad told me you brought my mom here.
You seem upset, Josh.
What's wrong?
You kidnapped my mother.
What? I did no such thing.
Relax. We're just having a little fun.
She doesn't know who you are.
What you're capable of. I do.
You're completely unhinged.
I've had it with you, you hear me?
This is enough. You
don't mess with my family.
Oh, but it's okay for
you to mess with my life?
Huh? You have still
not apologized or explained
about what happened between us.
I've called you 37 times,
texted you 84 times,
and nothing. You couldn't
even do me the common courtesy
of getting back to me.
So you kidnap my mother?
Do you understand how crazy that is?
You're crazy!
Where's my mother, Rebecca?
Where?!
REBECCA: What are you
gonna do, Josh, huh?
Are you gonna kill me?
You gonna push me into this hole
at this janky-ass carnival?
Where is my mother?!
Josh, just relax, okay?
I've had it.
I'm sick and tired of you.
I want you out of my life!
Oh, God.
(children's laughter echoing)
- (woman screaming)
- JARL: You die.
Oh!
Whoa!
(panting)
Damn it, Rebecca!
Lourdes is right there.
She's getting a caramel apple.
(panting)
I'd never hurt your mother.
God, okay, look.
I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.
I know I got carried away,
but I was just trying
to get your attention.
I was just trying to
get you to notice me.
So now that... now that we're here,
let's just have a conversation.
Okay? Let's just, let's...
Can we, can we please talk
to each other like humans?
I mean, God, we've been in
each other's lives for so long,
there's so much between us,
you-you can't just throw it away
like it means nothing.
If you ever, ever,
get near me or anyone
I care about ever again,
I'm calling the police.
Josh.
Josh. Hey. No, no.
You can't do this.
Because I-I... I don't know who I am
if you're not in my life anymore.
Leave... me... alone.
♪ ♪
(knocking on door)
(crying): Hi. Um, I need you.
I need help. Please.
Oh, honey, it's okay, it's okay.
I need my mom.
Please. Please.
Please.
Rebecca. What? What's wrong?
We shouldn't keep cake in there.
Oh, my God, I must've fallen
asleep while I was studying.
I just had the most scary, vivid dream.
It's Rebecca. She's in
trouble, I just know it.
She's about to hit rock bottom.
I can feel it. I have to do something.
(country music playing over speakers)
What can I get you?
Um...
Gin and tonic, and, um, extra strong.
Got it.
You know, I had a friend
who used to come here.
He worked at a... a different bar,
but he would do his study drinking here.
(drink pouring)
Whenever I was out of
options, he was always there.
I remember that guy.
The one that was always
talking about Emory.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's where he is.
- (laughs)
I'm so lost, man.
It's like, I don't...
I don't know what story
I'm in anymore, you know?
(phone ringing, vibrating)
Hmm.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Look, look, look, look. It's Emory.
- _
It-it's the guy.
He knew that I needed
him! He just, he knew!
On some primal level, deep down...
Greg, hi, hi.
Greg. Greg.
Greg? Greg, I'm here.
Gregory?
Oh, man. Butt dial?
(sighs)
Greg, Greg? Hey.
Hey, Greg, can you hear me?
I really need you
right now. It's Rebecca.
Greg.
I-I hear you ordering
a cheeseburger, Greg!
Greg, pick up!
Greg?
(crying): Greg?
(sobs softly)
He doesn't want me.
Nobody wants me.
I've-I've officially
alienated every person I know.
This can't be the way things end.
All of my time in West
Covina, it can't just end
with me sitting alone
at this crappy bar.
Hey.
I worked my whole
life to own this place.
It's my dream.
Oh, my God.
That's-that's old Greg.
Uh, it's Greg's dad, Marco.
I got, I got... I got
to go say hello to him.
(clears throat)
Hi.
- Oh, boy.
- No, don't get up.
Okay? I'm leaving soon. I know
you... hate me. Everyone does.
I... I don't know, I
just wanted to say hello.
Hi. I don't know why.
- Ah. You been boozing, huh?
- No. I'm not really a boozer,
unlike your drunky son
who just butt-dialed me.
So, how, uh...
How is that guy, anyway?
What, you haven't heard?
What? He's drinking again?
He flunked out? He's
bald? He's sad? He's fat?
He's fat and bald and sad?
No, he's sober. And he, uh,
fell madly in love with
a girl in his class.
(giggles)
Um... (clears throat) What?
Yeah.
What's, um, what's her
first and last name,
and just in case it's common,
what's her middle name?
Oh, no, you don't. No, no, no.
For the first time in his
life, he's really doing great.
He's-he's really content.
He's... happy.
(echoing):... happy.
Cool.
Cool, that's great.
Okay, so everyone just gets
to be happy, except for me.
Got it.
Come on. I'm not worried about you.
You know, you're a smart
broad, you got a nice figure.
You'll be fine.
Really?
'Cause sometimes, I...
Sometimes, I really think
I'm not gonna be fine.
You're gonna bounce right back
from whatever it is
you're going through.
Trust me.
Why are you being nice?
I thought you hated me, and...
thought I was, like, crazy.
(chuckles) Aren't we all?
♪ ♪
(both grunting)
Hello, Naomi?
It's me, Paula. Don't hang up.
Look, I know you don't like me,
and I don't like you very much,
and we're very different
people, but we both love Rebecca.
And, you know, the thing is,
I've-I've kind of been her
surrogate mother for a while,
but you're her actual mother,
and she... needs you.
She needs help.
(macaws chirping)
(grunts)
♪ ♪
(whispers): No.
♪ ♪
♪ So this is the end of the movie ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ But real life isn't a movie ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ You want things to
be wrapped up neatly ♪
♪ The way that stories do ♪
♪ You're looking for answers ♪
♪ But answers aren't ♪
- ♪ looking for you ♪
- _
♪ Because life is a gradual
series of revelations ♪
♪ That occur over a period of time ♪
♪ It's not some
carefully crafted story ♪
♪ It's a mess, and
we're all gonna die ♪
♪ If you saw a movie
that was like real life ♪
♪ You'd be like "What the
hell was that movie about? ♪
♪ It was really all
over the place" ♪
♪ Life doesn't make
narrative sense ♪
♪ Nuh-uh... ♪
You don't want to have a baby, do you?
No, I don't think so.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
♪ ♪
♪ We tell ourselves
that we're in a movie ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Each one of us thinks
we got the starring role ♪
♪ Role, role, role ♪
♪ But the truth is
sometimes you're the lead ♪
♪ And sometimes you're an extra ♪
♪ Just walking by
in the background ♪
♪ Like me, Josh Groban! ♪
♪ Because life is a gradual
series of revelations ♪
♪ That occur over a period of time ♪
♪ Some things might happen
that seem connected ♪
♪ But there's not always
a reason or rhyme ♪
♪ People aren't characters,
they're complicated ♪
♪ And their choices
don't always make sense ♪
♪ That being said,
it's really messed up ♪
♪ That you banged
your ex-boyfriend's ♪
♪ Dad ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Never bang your ex-boyfriend's ♪
♪ Dad. ♪
- Hi, Jarl.
- _
- You do not look great.
- _
_
_
- I slept with my ex-boyfriend's dad.
- _
- (gasps)
- _
- That's not in any of the movies.
- _
- (sighs) I did it, Jarl.
- _
_
- I have officially ruined everything.
- _
I've burned my last bridge
with every person I've met
since I moved to West Covina.
- (ringtone playing, phone vibrating)
- _
God, I wonder whose
butt is calling me now.
(ringtone stops)
Hi, Mom.
Yup, I hear you.
No, you're absolutely right.
I give up.
I'll come home.