Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Episode #3.11 - full transcript
♪♪
Hi, um, Dr. Akopian.
Rebecca Bunch here.
So, Dr. Shin says
it's time for me to transition
from outpatient treatment
with him back to you,
so what do you say?
Our usual time on Thursday?
Give me a buzz.
Buzz! Bee emoticon.
Anyway, I'm feeling good,
ready to dig into all of it...
abandonment issues,
dissociative episodes, my dad.
It's all on the table.
Let's get into it.
See you soon.
It's happening.
Maybe this time,
it's finally happening.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ This session ♪
♪ Is gonna be different ♪
♪ It's gonna be so different ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ This patient ♪
♪ Won't be indifferent ♪
♪ This time around ♪
♪ She'll want to grow ♪
♪ I've been burned so many times ♪
♪ By the girl who's committed ♪
♪ so many burn crimes ♪
♪ Yet I never lost
hope or endurance ♪
♪ Thank God I don't
accept health insurance ♪
I charge $250 an hour now.
♪ This session ♪
♪ Is gonna be useful ♪
♪ If she's truthful
about how ♪
♪ she feels ♪
♪ So I'll give it my all ♪
♪ With my requisite
therapist shawl ♪
♪ Kiss my fancy
degrees on the wall ♪
♪ For good luck that
it's gonna be different ♪
♪ I can help her be different ♪
♪ Sweet Jesus,
it has to be different ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's not ♪
♪ I freakin'... ♪
♪ ..' quit. ♪
Seems like only yesterday
I was right here in this very room
ignoring everything you said.
♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
♪CRAZY EX- GIRLFRIEND♪
Season 03 Episode 11
Title: "Nathaniel and I Are Just Friends!"
Okay, so, uh,
let me catch you up
on everything
that's been going on with me
since I last saw you,
which was
post-suicide attempt,
and I tried to get you
to give me a new diagnosis.
Right, right.
Okay, so, to recap.
I accepted the fact
that I'm borderline,
did a lot of workbooks,
went to Buffalo,
hung out with
my friend's dad,
got back from Buffalo,
started dating Nathaniel,
got a little too obsessy over
Nathaniel, so broke that off.
Went on a ton
of hormones
to give Darryl an egg,
took over my firm
as senior partner.
Uh, Nathaniel started dating
a new girl, Mona.
That was three weeks ago.
Nathaniel and I had sex
in the office we now share,
decided that was a bad idea,
it should never happen again,
and now I'm here.
Wow.
That's... a lot.
Let's work backwards.
So you and Nathaniel were
intimate, but not any longer?
Oh, God, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That is long over.
I mean, after we had
sex that one time,
we only had sex, like,
three more times that week.
And then we stopped.
Except for last night.
And this morning.
But I don't
count this morning,
because the janitor
opened the door
of the supply closet,
so nobody finished.
Except I'm pretty sure
the janitor.
Are you okay with Nathaniel
seeing another woman?
Listen, Nathaniel and I
are not seeing each other.
Okay? What happened between us
was just a few mistakes
in a-a room full
of office supplies.
Okay? It's done.
It's been hours.
Or what time is it?
It's been 40 minutes.
- Rebecca...
- L-Listen.
The Nathaniel sex... blah,
irrelevant. It's in the past.
I'm here in the present
with you right now
ready to rock my mental health.
So, come on,
let's do this.
Bunch and Akopes,
back together,
tonight on CBS at 9:00 p.m.,
solving crimes in different
climates around the world.
I do not wish
to be called "Akopes."
God, I forgot
how un-fun you are.
It was nice
to be invited, right?
No.
Oh, my God. Wait.
You know Brian, right?
- Oh, Brian.
- Mm-hmm.
The bald sweaty guy in
your marketing department?
Yeah. So listen to this.
We were at a pre-meeting today
- for the fall rollout.
- Hmm.
And he took his shoes off
at the table.
- Oh, what?
- Yeah.
What? He-he just
took his shoes off?
Took 'em right off, plopped 'em
on the conference table.
I couldn't believe it.
Babe, the amount of hair
- on that man's toes.
- Hold on.
He wasn't wearing socks?
He was. The hair was
poking through
the black
- ankle sock. It was disgusting.
- Oh.
- It was like a porcupine in a bag.
- God.
I sent you a picture
this morning.
- You did?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, I must have missed that.
Oh, it's fine. I figured
you were busy or something.
Yeah, no, you know, I was.
I was busy... this morning.
Yeah, I had a little bit
of a... crisis with the janitor.
- Oh, no. What happened?
- It was real gross.
He, uh... I-I caught him in the,
uh, supply closet masturbating.
- What?
- Yeah, uh, alone.
He was alone in there,
and I caught him.
I caught him in there.
That is so gross.
- In this supply closet?
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
Who would want to do anything
sexual in a supply closet?
What is wrong
with people?
I know.
Yeah, I know, that is...
People are disgusting.
- You take it. No, you take it.
- I got it.
I don't want it.
You take it.
- Okay, can you stop playing air hockey...
- Why are you...?
with the snotty tissue?
- Knock it off!
- Okay!
We have work to do.
Geez.
Tim, I looked at your deposition
in the Crawford case.
One word: blurghh.
Can we take another
crack at that?
Come on, it's fine.
We can show Nathaniel.
No, we can't. Jim,
for your hearing next week,
I rewrote your opening arguments.
I thought you might want
to win a case for a change.
Well, you thought
wrong. Wait.
Paula, did you read my
notes on the land use meeting?
I made them really thorough.
Did you show them to Rebecca?
No. I gave her War and Peace,
because it was shorter.
What?
Oh, okay.
Sue me, I want our
work to, like...
I don't know...
not suck.
Okay, well, I have
some good news.
I came up with
a brilliant idea.
You can all
thank me later.
I've decided to call
for reinforcements.
You mean the reinforcements
that go in
the three-hole punch paper?
I've been trying to get
in the supply closet
to get those,
but it's always locked,
and the door is making
a banging noise.
I think there's a possum
and a cat in there,
and they're fighting,
but they're also best friends
and they solve crimes.
It's just an idea
for a CBS show I've been
kicking around.
Okay, that is Sunil.
He is a competent person.
Do not get your lame juice
on him.
He is really smart.
As opposed to...?
Yeah, all of you.
Hi!
Oh. Hey!
I'm here.
Oh, great. Now the sidekick's
got a sidekick.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
I was, I was looking for these.
What do you call these?
Do you call these flags
or sticky page holders?
Oh, no, those... I call those
"color thingies," actually.
Color thingies.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, that...
that Stanford education, like,
gave you a great vocabulary.
Well, it's why I'm so good
at games like Boggle.
Oh, my God, I love Boggle.
Well, you and I should, um,
play Boggle some time.
- Yeah. Oh, my God, Boggle.
- Oh.
Close the door.
- I want to rip your pants off.
- Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
This should never
happen again after this.
Absolutely.
This is the last time.
Okay.
Absolutely.
I love this bra,
by the way.
Oh, thank you.
Check this out.
- Yellowtail crudo.
- Mmm.
I'm thinking of rolling it out
at all my Home Bases.
It's so tasty, and it pairs
really well with our chardonnay,
which is, like, well, it's just,
like, the only one we have.
Oh, wait.
Didn't the book say
you're not supposed
to eat raw fish?
Could be harmful
for the baby.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Totally. My bad.
- Got to take care of that Darryl baby.
- Ooh.
God, I love my new hobby...
growing people.
Wait. Did you hear that?
Did you...?
Boop, made an eyeball.
What'd you do today?
God, I really can't believe it.
I got my life together in
a really short amount of time.
Like, making a human,
cute boyfriend,
great new job,
and I'm, like, crushing it here.
I mean, look at all these people
at my happy hour.
So, Beth,
how did you find me?
I like to know how new
clients hear about me.
I actually came across
your website
when I was looking online
for party planners in the area.
I got to say,
you actually look
like your photo.
People never look
like their photo online.
Oh, well, which one?
Calendar, About Me, FAQs,
Upcoming Events,
Past Events or Contact Me?
God, you're funny.
What! Me?!
I am so glad that I met you.
My PR firm has
a ton of events
coming up
in the San Gabriel Valley.
I live on the Westside, I don't
have any contacts around here,
but... now I do.
Yeah, you do.
All you need to do is...
contact me.
Contact you.
I'm gonna do that.
- I'm gonna contact you.
- Great. Yeah.
So you're getting a free
vacation to Mexico. That's cool.
It's not really a vacation.
Uh, you get to ride a plane
and go camping.
That's a vacation, bro.
I'm building houses
for Habitat for Humanity.
- Oh, yeah, Happy Tats for Manatees.
- Hmm?
Well, that's what
I used to think it was.
A group that put tattoos on
manatees to, like, track them.
It's not.
I know that now.
Do you?
Anyway,
feeling like I got to get out
of town for a little while.
Feeling kind of
spun out lately.
Little emotional.
I think it's 'cause
everything in this town
reminds me of Darryl.
Wow, I've never seen you
like this.
Hurt and vulnerable.
I, like, really see
your humanity.
Yeah, see, so that sounds
a lot like "manatee."
So that's on them.
A lot of words sound
like other words, Josh.
Come on, come on,
give me the dish.
- Okay. Tall idiot is Tim.
- Mm-hmm.
Short idiot is Jim.
Tiny idiot is Maya.
- They look like idiots.
- No, no, no.
They look like a
Sunday matinee cast
of an eighth year revival.
Oh, Sunil.
I never understand
your musical theater references
because I was getting laid
and smoking dope in high school,
but they still crack me up.
Hey, thank you so
much for hiring me.
Are you kidding me?
No, you're-you're
doing me a favor.
I am so glad you're here!
It's gonna
be Sunil and Paula,
you know, serving justice
- around the world.
- Mm-hmm.
We're doing the
work of idiots
and wearing cool suits and
occasionally sunglasses.
Coming soon
to CBS.
Oh, nailed it.
Good.
We could be cops or lawyers.
We could. Okay, listen...
So, I was thinking
about the Crawford case
that we... What?
I'm just wondering if they have
a walk-in pantry here.
- Nathaniel.
- Hmm?
No.
We talked about it, okay?
Those other times were mistakes.
It's not happening again.
Right.
Okay. I was thinking
that when we get to the hearing
that we should...
- This a new top? This a new blouse?
- What?
No, I've had it for a while.
Looks good.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- I like it.
Right.
Okay.
They do have
a walk-in pantry, though.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Why don't we pretend
to work some more,
meet there in five minutes,
take some clothes off?
Okay. I'm gonna pretend to work.
- Watch me pretend to work now. Okay.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh, good underlining.
Thank you.
♪♪
Hey, Heather.
The CO2 tank is out.
Oh, I'll get it.
I got it.
Heather, what are you doing?
You shouldn't be carrying that.
Leave me alone!
You're the reason I'm like this!
That is not my baby.
That's not my ba...
You could've stopped me.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I-I'm sorry I said it like that.
I don't know
why I said it like that.
I hate being pregnant.
It's the worst thing
I've ever decided.
I'm gonna quit.
I want to quit.
I quit.
Babe, come on.
You're almost there.
No, I'm not.
I have another month.
It's nine. It's nine months.
Okay? It hurts to sit.
It hurts to stand.
My ass is covered
in stretch marks,
- as you know.
- I know.
My belly button looks like
an inside-out butthole.
No.
I still haven't tasted
the crudo. I also, um...
I can't drink wine.
I can't use my face wash.
I can't paint my nails.
I can't take a hot bath
or get a foot massage
or lie on my back
or fart without peeing a little.
I can't do anything fun!
We have fun.
No, we don't.
No? I want to do this.
Yes. I want to do this.
Sign me up for this
and buy me a skateboard.
A skateboarding expo?
Uh-huh. My doctor said
that I can't ride a bike
or, uh, skydive or surf,
but he said nothing
about learning to skateboard.
So that's what we call
a loophole, brah.
It's obvious
his name should be Dog Josh.
- He looks just like us.
- No.
No, Josh.
We're not doing that.
Been through it a million
times. His name is Max.
Found him in a garbage dump
in Mexico.
He's been through enough
without also having
to be named after you.
I know what
that's like.
It's not great.
Geez, don't be such a baby.
Look at you, little Dog Josh.
Aren't you Dog Josh?
Yes, you are.
- Yes, you are.
- Look how much he hates that.
Let it go.
You know what, Heather did do a
great job with this renovation.
- I'm digging the Home Base makeover.
- Yeah.
She tried a few styles
before this.
Apparently pregnant women
redecorate a lot.
Hmm.
Yeah.
A lot of stuff changed
while you were out of town.
I'm very good at it now.
It was ridiculous.
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
Bleh!
It was gross!
Like, oh, no.
But a lot of stuff's
still the same.
Okay, that was the last time.
Definitely.
- This time we mean it, right?
- Yes.
Uh, this is Mona. I have to take it.
Hey, babe.
So, it's been eight months,
and he still has a girlfriend
and we're still sleeping together.
So what?
I really thought this time
was gonna be different.
So, it's been eight months of
"last times," "big mistakes,"
and "never gonna happen agains."
So that's what you do
when you're writing.
You just write things I say
and
then quote them back
to me at a later date.
Cool. I can do that, too.
"Uh, so it's been eight months.
"Uh, and I'm gonna quote a
bunch of things that you said
back to you and wear another
weird statement necklace."
I'm sorry.
I felt cornered and threatened by you,
and rather than be
vulnerable, I lashed out
before you could abandon me,
and I recognize that,
and I apologize for it.
But your necklaces are very weird.
It's been months
and you're still sleeping with him
and he's got a serious
girlfriend. Correct?
- Yes.
- We're doing great work here.
Why have an affair?
An affair?
Well, that's unfair.
Come on.
Are we not doing this?
Bunch and Akopes,
tonight on CBS.
Grab your parka or bikini,
and let's find out whodunit.
You've been trying to get that
bit going for eight months.
- Stop it.
- But I have a theme song.
♪ Nuh, duh, duh, duh, two ladies ♪
♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh, solving crimes ♪
♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh, in Bahamas ♪
♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh,
now it's Europe! ♪
But it's all just Atlanta.
You have no qualms about this?
No concern for the third
party in that relationship?
What, the janitor? No, he's loving it.
If you're talking about Mona...
Look, she has no idea
what's going on,
so it's not hurting her.
And I've never even
met her. You know what?
This is the healthiest
romantic relationship
I've ever been in. There, I said it.
I-I'm not obsessed with him
because I can't really have him.
For the first time in
my life, my expectations
are in a realistic space.
The other day I texted him,
and he didn't text me
back for couple hours.
You know what I did in that time?
I made a damn sandwich.
And it was good.
It's all okay, okay?
What we're doing is okay. Okay?
That cheating, lying,
musical theater enthusiast.
What? Who are you
talking about?
What?
I'm talking about Sunil.
Oh. Ew. Why?
Okay, have you looked around this office
and seen him being pals
with everyone?
I mean, I brought him in,
I gave him the job, and
he barely talks to me.
Wait, back it up.
Sunil works here?
Uh, yes.
Where have you been?
Nothing. Nowhere.
The janitor's creepy.
Okay, will you listen to me?
I gave Sunil a job,
and he was supposed to help me
and be on my team.
And instead, he-he
joined their idiot cult.
- Ow! Damn it. Damn it.
- Got you.
Fast hands. Ah!
I'm sorry, Paula. You guys
were such good friends.
I mean, I don't like him or get him
because he's like...
he's like Benjamin Coffin III
in Rent.
But, you know, I mean,
you seem to dig him, so...
Well, I mean, I did,
but... now he's my enemy.
Like Boss Hogg in The Dukes of Hazzard.
I keep forgetting, you and I have,
like, such different references.
Ms. Proctor, I just redid
this, per your copious notes.
I'm sorry.
I mean, look, you had to redo it.
Citing Manuel v. Cahill to
argue a zoning restriction?
I mean, this is a professional law firm.
It's not eighth grade mock trial.
Wow. Okay.
All right.
Oh, my God.
You were so mean to him.
Oh, you just talked to him
just like you talk to
Tim and Jim and Maya.
That wasn't mean.
I was not mean.
I gave him my honest opinion.
I mean, I have to be
honest about the work.
Okay. I-I don't care.
I mean, again, I feel like
he's like an evil landlord
making us pay our rent.
What?
Okay, you know what, just
Wikipedia the plot to Rent
and get back to me...
It's really easy.
But don't watch the movie!
Don't watch the movie.
Okay.
Hi.
- Hey.
- How's your day going?
- Pretty good.
- You?
Big mistake.
Never again.
This is the last time.
Yeah, or not.
What?
I was talking about
this in therapy today,
and, I got to say, this
arrangement is...
it's working.
And, you know,
it's modern, it's mature.
I mean, it's what they
do in France. And Utah.
Literally the only thing
France and Utah have in common.
I think we should just
be grown-ups about this
and accept the fact
that this is our reality.
You know? It's cool.
We're having sex.
You're seeing someone else.
I'm making sandwiches,
and they're great.
- Huh?
- It's a whole thing.
I think we should just
embrace that this is our life.
Okay. Because, um, well,
I was gonna ask you, uh...
Mona saw the invitation
to Darryl's baby shower,
and she wants to go.
And I know that you're
gonna go, and... you know...
Is that cool if I bring her?
Dude, of course.
- Yeah.
- We're all adults.
And I-I am looking
forward to meeting her.
- You are?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh. Okay. Great.
This adult is... happy to hear it.
See, we know exactly
what we have.
That's what I love about it.
- Love about me?
- Definitely not.
- Got it. Yep.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Hello.
I think you're gonna be pretty
excited about what I got you.
I got you some lotion.
- Hmm?
- Cool.
And some really nice decaf
coffee blends. Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
And non-alcoholic beer.
That's gonna hit the spot.
Yeah. So what's so crazy
about all of these things
is that none it is a skateboard,
which is what I asked you for.
Because you're super pregnant.
Okay? You-you have
a person inside you,
and if you fall over,
you could break that person.
Look, I know it's hard,
but you signed up for this.
This could not possibly
have been more optional.
You said you wanted to have
a baby for your friends.
And for once in your
life, you can't quit.
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
Is something wrong with your face?
Oh, my God, I've never seen you cry.
That's because I don't cry.
When I was a baby, I didn't cry at all.
And they took me to the hospital
because they thought I was broken,
but I was just a super chill baby.
And now I feel like I'm
gonna cry all the time,
and I think it's because
there's this alien
growing inside of my guts.
Oh, honey, it's okay.
No, get your super
smooth arms off of me.
Yeah, they're too smooth.
So, would now be a bad time
to remind you that Darryl's
baby shower is about to happen?
Oh, God. That thing.
Oh, shoot, we forgot
to get him a present.
I am making him a present, bitch!
V, it is beautiful. I love it.
Aw. I couldn't have done
it without you
covering all the boring side
of things.
I'm so glad we're
in business together.
You're so good at charts
and budgets
and getting deals on stuff.
I can't believe you got those
floating candles 75% off.
That's so sexy.
There you are!
Oh, my God!
- It is so beautiful!
- Ooh! Oh.
Yay! Oh, I'm so happy!
Okay, well, try not to cry,
because it makes people
uncomfortable, mainly me.
I'll try, I'll try.
Oh, God!
Onesies that people can decorate?
Muh-muh. Tears, you stay in there.
If I just walk like this...
No one talk to me.
Also, I'm not opening a damn thing.
- What's with her?
- She's a monster.
Oh, my God, it's Sunil.
I don't know, I've been
thinking about what you said,
and-and maybe I was too hard on him.
I should apologize.
- I'm gonna apologize.
- I mean, sure, if you want to.
You know what, do it in his terms.
Tell him that he's Herbie
and you're Mama Rose from Gypsy
and you're about to sing
"You'll Never Get Away from Me."
You and Sunil really are the
ones that should be friends.
I mean, you-you know that, right?
- Never. I'd rather die.
- Oh, okay.
I'm gonna get a drink.
- Do you want a drink?
- Yeah, no, I'm good.
Hmm.
♪ ♪
Oh, no.
Oh, no. I don't like this.
Uh, guilt, shame, jealousy.
No, I don't want this.
This doesn't feel good.
♪ ♪
Okay, okay,
okay. She is impossible.
Paula is so difficult to please.
You know, nothing is
good enough for her.
She's like Miss Hannigan,
but not the Carol Burnett
version, the original company.
- Ugh.
- Has anyone ever told you
that you should be best
friends with Rebecca?
Never.
I'd rather die.
I totally agree with you about Paula.
She once shredded a brief I wrote,
then took it out of the shredder
and put it in the other way.
Paula is from
- an older generation of women.
- Mm hm.
She came up in an era
where she had to fight,
and that's why now, sometimes,
she's such a big ol' "B."
Yeah, I know.
I used to really love her.
But now I'm with you guys.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
- Hey, I got to get out of here.
- I got to get out of here, too.
No, no, you can't leave.
You're Auntie Paula.
- You're Mama Rebecca.
- I'm not Mama Rebecca.
I don't have any custody rights,
just the right to pick the college.
Okay, okay, so we both
need to find an excuse
- to get out of here.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
- Huh?
Oh, no, there's a bee on your dress.
What?
Whoops. I tried to save
you from a stinging insect,
but accidentally used my cupcake hand.
Oh, oh, the same insect is on you.
Oh, no. Ooh... ah, my God.
Sensitive boobs. You know that.
Oh... aw, shucks. Guess
we got to go clean up now.
We're so sorry. We got to go.
Back way, back way, back way.
- You're gonna love these cupcakes.
- We got to go clean up.
- Delicious.
- We got to get it off.
- It's all over. So good.
- Come on.
So, am I really the office bitch?
Wait, you're actually asking me that?
Paula, it's your brand.
You have the mug that
says "Office Bitch."
It's ironic.
Like the mug that says "Not A Mug."
I guess so.
I mean, you're nice to
me, so I don't really care.
Hey, I know why I had
to leave that party,
but why did you have to?
It was just hard to see Nathaniel.
I mean, you know,
my desk faces his, so
I'm just kind of, like,
tired of that face
and those perfect blue eyes
and the perfect smile and the hot ass.
Uh-oh.
- Paula?
- Uh-huh?
- You gonna be mad at me.
- Uh-huh.
You know the possum and the cat
who have been fighting
in the supply closet?
Uh-huh.
That's not a possum or a cat.
That's two people having sex.
- And it's me and Nathaniel!
- Rebecca,
he has a serious girlfriend!
He-he's cheating on her with you?
You're having an affair?
No, it's not an affair;
she doesn't know anything about it.
- What?!
- Ah! Don't judge me right now.
Oh, to hell with that.
I am judging you.
- I am judging you so hard right now!
- No, please don't.
Do you know what you are?
You're a Tanya.
- You're a stone-cold Tanya.
- No.
You take that back.
I am nothing like
that woman Scott cheated on you with.
Nathaniel and Mona aren't married,
they don't have kids, and
I don't own an orange vest,
which is the only fact
that I retain about Tanya.
I just, I can't, I can't
believe you're a cheater.
I mean, you know how much it hurt me
when I was cheated on.
Oh, my God, I know.
You're right, you're right.
You're right. I mean, it's why
I've been avoiding telling you.
But I don't understand.
Because you dumped him,
he still seems like
he wants to be with you.
Like, wh-why wouldn't
you just date each other?
Just go out with him.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I guess you didn't make
it to the baby shower.
You missed the blessing
of the egg donor.
We all whispered intentions
into hard-boiled eggs.
Yeah, I got some cupcake on
my shirt, so I-I had to leave.
Oh, um, you know, I'm
actually running low on pens.
Are you running low on sticky thingies?
You want to hit the supply closet?
Um...
You know what? I would love to.
I really would, but...
I-I can't.
What?
Yeah, um... listen.
I think I'm... good
on office supplies...
forever.
Why no more office supplies?
So, I know that I said that...
I could get...
pencils and pens with
you indefinitely...
but I can't.
Why? Y-You said getting...
Scotch Tape and Wite-Out
doesn't hurt anybody...
That's what you said.
Yeah, but I was wrong.
I was wrong, it does.
What are they talking about?
It's pretty obvious, dude.
Somebody got hurt with a pen.
The fact is
you're getting office
supplies from someone else.
And I knew that, but I didn't, like...
I didn't know it
until I caught
a glimpse of your...
stationery representative.
So, yeah, it, uh...
it-it has to end.
Oh.
So... what I'm saying is
no more staples, no more paper clips,
no more...
spray cleaner for the white boards.
Well... okay.
I understand.
I guess we were
just kidding ourselves when
we thought we could get erasers
and toners and index cards forever.
I wish you all of the...
freshest, inkiest yellow highlighters
there could ever be.
And I you.
I actually prefer the pink highlighters.
Why am I crying right now?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Is it time?
Is the baby coming?
Ooh, what...
what are you wearing?
Hey. So... it's just a fat suit.
- What?
- Yeah.
Uh, my dad got us these fat
suits this one Thanksgiving,
'cause he thought it'd be fun to
reenact the family dinner scene
from The Nutty Professor.
- Your dad is pretty great.
- I know. He rules.
All right, I'll catch
you later, I guess.
Wait, where you going?
Oh, I told you,
I'm going to the skateboarding expo.
And if they don't know I'm pregnant,
then they can't judge me for
grippin' it and rippin' it.
And also, the suit
will protect the baby,
so we're good.
Bye.
Sorry, I do not want to confront you
because you are violent and scary
and you weigh more than me.
Move, Hector, or I will move you.
Please don't make me do this.
Do not make me wrestle a
pregnant woman in a fat suit,
because I will.
- Oh, my God, there's a podcast.
- Where?
Wait. No!
Big gift!
- Yeah, that's it. Hey!
- You're all here. Great.
I am here to be nice.
No one's gonna say hello? Okay.
So, what are you guys doing?
Just eating a snack.
- Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Mm-hmm.
Ow! What the hell, Paula?
What? I want in on the
slapping game.
- Gotcha!
- Ow!
That is not
how you play Slappy Slaps.
I'm sorry, Paula.
I badly want to foster
an alliance with a woman,
but
I have to be on the side of consent.
Hey.
God, you guys are a tough room.
I was just trying to be fun.
You and I used to have
fun together, remember?
Yeah, we used to, before
I started working here.
Why didn't you tell me
you were the office bitch?
I didn't know.
Come on. You have that mug.
Look, Paula, I don't care
that you're not all fun
and games at the office.
I don't even care that you yell
at people for not
refilling the ice trays
or the way people chew their gum.
Okay, no. I'm just saying,
chew one piece at a time.
It's not a meal.
What I do care about is that
you're not acknowledging
my good work.
You're number one in
our law school class;
I'm right up there with you,
I'm number two.
And yet, you have dismissed
everything I've handed you
with a minor issue or quibble
about the font, the margins...
- Okay, can I just say something?
- No. My work is good.
Everyone's work here is pretty good.
Okay, well, not Tim, obviously.
He's a moron.
I just finished this closing argument.
I want you to read it and consider it,
because it is damned good.
I need you to acknowledge that.
Hey.
Hi.
I know you said you wanted things
to be over, and I understand.
I respect that.
But I just wanted to say that, um...
the last few months
have meant a lot to me.
And they weren't just about the sex.
They were about you.
Me and you.
And if that's what you want,
I'll forget about everything else.
And everyone else.
For you.
Uh...
♪ ♪
So, in not so many words,
he basically said he loves
you and wants to be with you.
What did you say?
Nothing.
How do you feel about him?
It doesn't matter.
Rebecca, why do you think
your feelings don't matter?
Because relationships
do not work for me.
Did not work for you.
You're a different person
than the last time you tried.
No, I'm not.
I'm not. I-I'm...
I am a-a slightly saner version
of the person that I was,
and I'm barely holding on to even that.
I mean, honestly, I'm afraid.
Of course you are. That makes sense.
But you can't live your
life without intimacy.
You need and deserve love.
It's okay for you to have it.
No, I-I can't. I-I can't.
God, you don't understand.
What don't I understand?
I don't want to die, okay?
I've gotten better.
Okay, I've progressed, and yes,
I know that my relationship
with Nathaniel
is not like it was with Josh.
That's right.
But
if I try with Nathaniel,
something will happen, okay?
He'll... he'll go out
to dinner with a friend,
and he won't answer
one of my texts,
or he'll go on a trip, and
he won't call me enough, and...
I know what I'm capable of
when I feel abandoned.
I can go to a really dark place,
and it's a place
where I can hurt myself,
and I-I never want to be
in that place again, ever.
Rebecca, that fear
is always gonna be there.
But as a person who has
known you for a long time,
you're more stable
and self-aware than you were.
And you're a
loving person
who deserves love.
One day,
I hope you believe that.
It's great.
It's well written,
it's well argued.
It's great work.
Thank you.
Okay.
I-I know that I seem, like,
super confident,
and I may be
a big know-it-all...
No. You?
But I have insecurities,
just like everybody else.
More, even.
I was a "C" student growing up.
And my father always
told me I was an idiot,
and I got knocked up before
I could finish college,
and I just, I always feel like
I'm trying to prove myself,
especially in my career, because
it is so important to me.
But that's my problem,
and it's not your problem,
and I'm sorry I was a jerk,
because I was.
Apology accepted.
Really?
Yes.
Oh!
Yes, thank you.
This is good.
Paula, I mean, it's like, um,
I'm Kenickie and you're Rizzo,
and we're making up.
I know that reference!
Grease, right?
- Yes, Grease.
- I saw the movie.
And in this case,
the movie is preferred.
Okay.
So do I have to apologize
to everybody else now?
Oh, no. They're morons.
This is good.
Yeah!
You're right.
A nice lukewarm bath
makes everything better.
Babe, why are you so upset
about a skateboard thing?
Oh, it's not about a skateboard.
It's about
my whole life.
It's about having to be
responsible for things.
I mean, I have a job
and a live-in boyfriend
and a baby in my stomach.
That's all grown-up stuff.
I mean, I never thought
I would actually be a grown-up.
Yeah.
You know, I'm gonna
pay taxes this year.
Isn't that ridiculous?
Yeah. I know how you feel.
I get it.
I don't know
how insurance works.
Me, neither.
We can figure
those things out.
Me and you.
Yeah.
♪♪
♪ I've never been afraid ♪
♪ Of opening my heart ♪
♪ For the slightest chance
at love ♪
♪ I'd gladly tear
my life apart ♪
♪ But now I finally
have a sense ♪
♪ Of who I am inside ♪
♪ So do I risk it all again ♪
♪ Or do I run and hide?
♪ Face your fears ♪
♪ Stare them down ♪
♪ Don't be scared ♪
♪ Stand your ground ♪
♪ 'Cause love is not as scary ♪
♪ As it appears ♪
♪ All I got to do ♪
♪ Is face my... ♪
Hi, um, Dr. Akopian.
Rebecca Bunch here.
So, Dr. Shin says
it's time for me to transition
from outpatient treatment
with him back to you,
so what do you say?
Our usual time on Thursday?
Give me a buzz.
Buzz! Bee emoticon.
Anyway, I'm feeling good,
ready to dig into all of it...
abandonment issues,
dissociative episodes, my dad.
It's all on the table.
Let's get into it.
See you soon.
It's happening.
Maybe this time,
it's finally happening.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ This session ♪
♪ Is gonna be different ♪
♪ It's gonna be so different ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ This patient ♪
♪ Won't be indifferent ♪
♪ This time around ♪
♪ She'll want to grow ♪
♪ I've been burned so many times ♪
♪ By the girl who's committed ♪
♪ so many burn crimes ♪
♪ Yet I never lost
hope or endurance ♪
♪ Thank God I don't
accept health insurance ♪
I charge $250 an hour now.
♪ This session ♪
♪ Is gonna be useful ♪
♪ If she's truthful
about how ♪
♪ she feels ♪
♪ So I'll give it my all ♪
♪ With my requisite
therapist shawl ♪
♪ Kiss my fancy
degrees on the wall ♪
♪ For good luck that
it's gonna be different ♪
♪ I can help her be different ♪
♪ Sweet Jesus,
it has to be different ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's not ♪
♪ I freakin'... ♪
♪ ..' quit. ♪
Seems like only yesterday
I was right here in this very room
ignoring everything you said.
♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
♪CRAZY EX- GIRLFRIEND♪
Season 03 Episode 11
Title: "Nathaniel and I Are Just Friends!"
Okay, so, uh,
let me catch you up
on everything
that's been going on with me
since I last saw you,
which was
post-suicide attempt,
and I tried to get you
to give me a new diagnosis.
Right, right.
Okay, so, to recap.
I accepted the fact
that I'm borderline,
did a lot of workbooks,
went to Buffalo,
hung out with
my friend's dad,
got back from Buffalo,
started dating Nathaniel,
got a little too obsessy over
Nathaniel, so broke that off.
Went on a ton
of hormones
to give Darryl an egg,
took over my firm
as senior partner.
Uh, Nathaniel started dating
a new girl, Mona.
That was three weeks ago.
Nathaniel and I had sex
in the office we now share,
decided that was a bad idea,
it should never happen again,
and now I'm here.
Wow.
That's... a lot.
Let's work backwards.
So you and Nathaniel were
intimate, but not any longer?
Oh, God, no, no, no.
No, no, no. That is long over.
I mean, after we had
sex that one time,
we only had sex, like,
three more times that week.
And then we stopped.
Except for last night.
And this morning.
But I don't
count this morning,
because the janitor
opened the door
of the supply closet,
so nobody finished.
Except I'm pretty sure
the janitor.
Are you okay with Nathaniel
seeing another woman?
Listen, Nathaniel and I
are not seeing each other.
Okay? What happened between us
was just a few mistakes
in a-a room full
of office supplies.
Okay? It's done.
It's been hours.
Or what time is it?
It's been 40 minutes.
- Rebecca...
- L-Listen.
The Nathaniel sex... blah,
irrelevant. It's in the past.
I'm here in the present
with you right now
ready to rock my mental health.
So, come on,
let's do this.
Bunch and Akopes,
back together,
tonight on CBS at 9:00 p.m.,
solving crimes in different
climates around the world.
I do not wish
to be called "Akopes."
God, I forgot
how un-fun you are.
It was nice
to be invited, right?
No.
Oh, my God. Wait.
You know Brian, right?
- Oh, Brian.
- Mm-hmm.
The bald sweaty guy in
your marketing department?
Yeah. So listen to this.
We were at a pre-meeting today
- for the fall rollout.
- Hmm.
And he took his shoes off
at the table.
- Oh, what?
- Yeah.
What? He-he just
took his shoes off?
Took 'em right off, plopped 'em
on the conference table.
I couldn't believe it.
Babe, the amount of hair
- on that man's toes.
- Hold on.
He wasn't wearing socks?
He was. The hair was
poking through
the black
- ankle sock. It was disgusting.
- Oh.
- It was like a porcupine in a bag.
- God.
I sent you a picture
this morning.
- You did?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, I must have missed that.
Oh, it's fine. I figured
you were busy or something.
Yeah, no, you know, I was.
I was busy... this morning.
Yeah, I had a little bit
of a... crisis with the janitor.
- Oh, no. What happened?
- It was real gross.
He, uh... I-I caught him in the,
uh, supply closet masturbating.
- What?
- Yeah, uh, alone.
He was alone in there,
and I caught him.
I caught him in there.
That is so gross.
- In this supply closet?
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
Who would want to do anything
sexual in a supply closet?
What is wrong
with people?
I know.
Yeah, I know, that is...
People are disgusting.
- You take it. No, you take it.
- I got it.
I don't want it.
You take it.
- Okay, can you stop playing air hockey...
- Why are you...?
with the snotty tissue?
- Knock it off!
- Okay!
We have work to do.
Geez.
Tim, I looked at your deposition
in the Crawford case.
One word: blurghh.
Can we take another
crack at that?
Come on, it's fine.
We can show Nathaniel.
No, we can't. Jim,
for your hearing next week,
I rewrote your opening arguments.
I thought you might want
to win a case for a change.
Well, you thought
wrong. Wait.
Paula, did you read my
notes on the land use meeting?
I made them really thorough.
Did you show them to Rebecca?
No. I gave her War and Peace,
because it was shorter.
What?
Oh, okay.
Sue me, I want our
work to, like...
I don't know...
not suck.
Okay, well, I have
some good news.
I came up with
a brilliant idea.
You can all
thank me later.
I've decided to call
for reinforcements.
You mean the reinforcements
that go in
the three-hole punch paper?
I've been trying to get
in the supply closet
to get those,
but it's always locked,
and the door is making
a banging noise.
I think there's a possum
and a cat in there,
and they're fighting,
but they're also best friends
and they solve crimes.
It's just an idea
for a CBS show I've been
kicking around.
Okay, that is Sunil.
He is a competent person.
Do not get your lame juice
on him.
He is really smart.
As opposed to...?
Yeah, all of you.
Hi!
Oh. Hey!
I'm here.
Oh, great. Now the sidekick's
got a sidekick.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
I was, I was looking for these.
What do you call these?
Do you call these flags
or sticky page holders?
Oh, no, those... I call those
"color thingies," actually.
Color thingies.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, that...
that Stanford education, like,
gave you a great vocabulary.
Well, it's why I'm so good
at games like Boggle.
Oh, my God, I love Boggle.
Well, you and I should, um,
play Boggle some time.
- Yeah. Oh, my God, Boggle.
- Oh.
Close the door.
- I want to rip your pants off.
- Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
This should never
happen again after this.
Absolutely.
This is the last time.
Okay.
Absolutely.
I love this bra,
by the way.
Oh, thank you.
Check this out.
- Yellowtail crudo.
- Mmm.
I'm thinking of rolling it out
at all my Home Bases.
It's so tasty, and it pairs
really well with our chardonnay,
which is, like, well, it's just,
like, the only one we have.
Oh, wait.
Didn't the book say
you're not supposed
to eat raw fish?
Could be harmful
for the baby.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Totally. My bad.
- Got to take care of that Darryl baby.
- Ooh.
God, I love my new hobby...
growing people.
Wait. Did you hear that?
Did you...?
Boop, made an eyeball.
What'd you do today?
God, I really can't believe it.
I got my life together in
a really short amount of time.
Like, making a human,
cute boyfriend,
great new job,
and I'm, like, crushing it here.
I mean, look at all these people
at my happy hour.
So, Beth,
how did you find me?
I like to know how new
clients hear about me.
I actually came across
your website
when I was looking online
for party planners in the area.
I got to say,
you actually look
like your photo.
People never look
like their photo online.
Oh, well, which one?
Calendar, About Me, FAQs,
Upcoming Events,
Past Events or Contact Me?
God, you're funny.
What! Me?!
I am so glad that I met you.
My PR firm has
a ton of events
coming up
in the San Gabriel Valley.
I live on the Westside, I don't
have any contacts around here,
but... now I do.
Yeah, you do.
All you need to do is...
contact me.
Contact you.
I'm gonna do that.
- I'm gonna contact you.
- Great. Yeah.
So you're getting a free
vacation to Mexico. That's cool.
It's not really a vacation.
Uh, you get to ride a plane
and go camping.
That's a vacation, bro.
I'm building houses
for Habitat for Humanity.
- Oh, yeah, Happy Tats for Manatees.
- Hmm?
Well, that's what
I used to think it was.
A group that put tattoos on
manatees to, like, track them.
It's not.
I know that now.
Do you?
Anyway,
feeling like I got to get out
of town for a little while.
Feeling kind of
spun out lately.
Little emotional.
I think it's 'cause
everything in this town
reminds me of Darryl.
Wow, I've never seen you
like this.
Hurt and vulnerable.
I, like, really see
your humanity.
Yeah, see, so that sounds
a lot like "manatee."
So that's on them.
A lot of words sound
like other words, Josh.
Come on, come on,
give me the dish.
- Okay. Tall idiot is Tim.
- Mm-hmm.
Short idiot is Jim.
Tiny idiot is Maya.
- They look like idiots.
- No, no, no.
They look like a
Sunday matinee cast
of an eighth year revival.
Oh, Sunil.
I never understand
your musical theater references
because I was getting laid
and smoking dope in high school,
but they still crack me up.
Hey, thank you so
much for hiring me.
Are you kidding me?
No, you're-you're
doing me a favor.
I am so glad you're here!
It's gonna
be Sunil and Paula,
you know, serving justice
- around the world.
- Mm-hmm.
We're doing the
work of idiots
and wearing cool suits and
occasionally sunglasses.
Coming soon
to CBS.
Oh, nailed it.
Good.
We could be cops or lawyers.
We could. Okay, listen...
So, I was thinking
about the Crawford case
that we... What?
I'm just wondering if they have
a walk-in pantry here.
- Nathaniel.
- Hmm?
No.
We talked about it, okay?
Those other times were mistakes.
It's not happening again.
Right.
Okay. I was thinking
that when we get to the hearing
that we should...
- This a new top? This a new blouse?
- What?
No, I've had it for a while.
Looks good.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- I like it.
Right.
Okay.
They do have
a walk-in pantry, though.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Why don't we pretend
to work some more,
meet there in five minutes,
take some clothes off?
Okay. I'm gonna pretend to work.
- Watch me pretend to work now. Okay.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh, good underlining.
Thank you.
♪♪
Hey, Heather.
The CO2 tank is out.
Oh, I'll get it.
I got it.
Heather, what are you doing?
You shouldn't be carrying that.
Leave me alone!
You're the reason I'm like this!
That is not my baby.
That's not my ba...
You could've stopped me.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I-I'm sorry I said it like that.
I don't know
why I said it like that.
I hate being pregnant.
It's the worst thing
I've ever decided.
I'm gonna quit.
I want to quit.
I quit.
Babe, come on.
You're almost there.
No, I'm not.
I have another month.
It's nine. It's nine months.
Okay? It hurts to sit.
It hurts to stand.
My ass is covered
in stretch marks,
- as you know.
- I know.
My belly button looks like
an inside-out butthole.
No.
I still haven't tasted
the crudo. I also, um...
I can't drink wine.
I can't use my face wash.
I can't paint my nails.
I can't take a hot bath
or get a foot massage
or lie on my back
or fart without peeing a little.
I can't do anything fun!
We have fun.
No, we don't.
No? I want to do this.
Yes. I want to do this.
Sign me up for this
and buy me a skateboard.
A skateboarding expo?
Uh-huh. My doctor said
that I can't ride a bike
or, uh, skydive or surf,
but he said nothing
about learning to skateboard.
So that's what we call
a loophole, brah.
It's obvious
his name should be Dog Josh.
- He looks just like us.
- No.
No, Josh.
We're not doing that.
Been through it a million
times. His name is Max.
Found him in a garbage dump
in Mexico.
He's been through enough
without also having
to be named after you.
I know what
that's like.
It's not great.
Geez, don't be such a baby.
Look at you, little Dog Josh.
Aren't you Dog Josh?
Yes, you are.
- Yes, you are.
- Look how much he hates that.
Let it go.
You know what, Heather did do a
great job with this renovation.
- I'm digging the Home Base makeover.
- Yeah.
She tried a few styles
before this.
Apparently pregnant women
redecorate a lot.
Hmm.
Yeah.
A lot of stuff changed
while you were out of town.
I'm very good at it now.
It was ridiculous.
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
Bleh!
It was gross!
Like, oh, no.
But a lot of stuff's
still the same.
Okay, that was the last time.
Definitely.
- This time we mean it, right?
- Yes.
Uh, this is Mona. I have to take it.
Hey, babe.
So, it's been eight months,
and he still has a girlfriend
and we're still sleeping together.
So what?
I really thought this time
was gonna be different.
So, it's been eight months of
"last times," "big mistakes,"
and "never gonna happen agains."
So that's what you do
when you're writing.
You just write things I say
and
then quote them back
to me at a later date.
Cool. I can do that, too.
"Uh, so it's been eight months.
"Uh, and I'm gonna quote a
bunch of things that you said
back to you and wear another
weird statement necklace."
I'm sorry.
I felt cornered and threatened by you,
and rather than be
vulnerable, I lashed out
before you could abandon me,
and I recognize that,
and I apologize for it.
But your necklaces are very weird.
It's been months
and you're still sleeping with him
and he's got a serious
girlfriend. Correct?
- Yes.
- We're doing great work here.
Why have an affair?
An affair?
Well, that's unfair.
Come on.
Are we not doing this?
Bunch and Akopes,
tonight on CBS.
Grab your parka or bikini,
and let's find out whodunit.
You've been trying to get that
bit going for eight months.
- Stop it.
- But I have a theme song.
♪ Nuh, duh, duh, duh, two ladies ♪
♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh, solving crimes ♪
♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh, in Bahamas ♪
♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh,
now it's Europe! ♪
But it's all just Atlanta.
You have no qualms about this?
No concern for the third
party in that relationship?
What, the janitor? No, he's loving it.
If you're talking about Mona...
Look, she has no idea
what's going on,
so it's not hurting her.
And I've never even
met her. You know what?
This is the healthiest
romantic relationship
I've ever been in. There, I said it.
I-I'm not obsessed with him
because I can't really have him.
For the first time in
my life, my expectations
are in a realistic space.
The other day I texted him,
and he didn't text me
back for couple hours.
You know what I did in that time?
I made a damn sandwich.
And it was good.
It's all okay, okay?
What we're doing is okay. Okay?
That cheating, lying,
musical theater enthusiast.
What? Who are you
talking about?
What?
I'm talking about Sunil.
Oh. Ew. Why?
Okay, have you looked around this office
and seen him being pals
with everyone?
I mean, I brought him in,
I gave him the job, and
he barely talks to me.
Wait, back it up.
Sunil works here?
Uh, yes.
Where have you been?
Nothing. Nowhere.
The janitor's creepy.
Okay, will you listen to me?
I gave Sunil a job,
and he was supposed to help me
and be on my team.
And instead, he-he
joined their idiot cult.
- Ow! Damn it. Damn it.
- Got you.
Fast hands. Ah!
I'm sorry, Paula. You guys
were such good friends.
I mean, I don't like him or get him
because he's like...
he's like Benjamin Coffin III
in Rent.
But, you know, I mean,
you seem to dig him, so...
Well, I mean, I did,
but... now he's my enemy.
Like Boss Hogg in The Dukes of Hazzard.
I keep forgetting, you and I have,
like, such different references.
Ms. Proctor, I just redid
this, per your copious notes.
I'm sorry.
I mean, look, you had to redo it.
Citing Manuel v. Cahill to
argue a zoning restriction?
I mean, this is a professional law firm.
It's not eighth grade mock trial.
Wow. Okay.
All right.
Oh, my God.
You were so mean to him.
Oh, you just talked to him
just like you talk to
Tim and Jim and Maya.
That wasn't mean.
I was not mean.
I gave him my honest opinion.
I mean, I have to be
honest about the work.
Okay. I-I don't care.
I mean, again, I feel like
he's like an evil landlord
making us pay our rent.
What?
Okay, you know what, just
Wikipedia the plot to Rent
and get back to me...
It's really easy.
But don't watch the movie!
Don't watch the movie.
Okay.
Hi.
- Hey.
- How's your day going?
- Pretty good.
- You?
Big mistake.
Never again.
This is the last time.
Yeah, or not.
What?
I was talking about
this in therapy today,
and, I got to say, this
arrangement is...
it's working.
And, you know,
it's modern, it's mature.
I mean, it's what they
do in France. And Utah.
Literally the only thing
France and Utah have in common.
I think we should just
be grown-ups about this
and accept the fact
that this is our reality.
You know? It's cool.
We're having sex.
You're seeing someone else.
I'm making sandwiches,
and they're great.
- Huh?
- It's a whole thing.
I think we should just
embrace that this is our life.
Okay. Because, um, well,
I was gonna ask you, uh...
Mona saw the invitation
to Darryl's baby shower,
and she wants to go.
And I know that you're
gonna go, and... you know...
Is that cool if I bring her?
Dude, of course.
- Yeah.
- We're all adults.
And I-I am looking
forward to meeting her.
- You are?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh. Okay. Great.
This adult is... happy to hear it.
See, we know exactly
what we have.
That's what I love about it.
- Love about me?
- Definitely not.
- Got it. Yep.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Hello.
I think you're gonna be pretty
excited about what I got you.
I got you some lotion.
- Hmm?
- Cool.
And some really nice decaf
coffee blends. Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
And non-alcoholic beer.
That's gonna hit the spot.
Yeah. So what's so crazy
about all of these things
is that none it is a skateboard,
which is what I asked you for.
Because you're super pregnant.
Okay? You-you have
a person inside you,
and if you fall over,
you could break that person.
Look, I know it's hard,
but you signed up for this.
This could not possibly
have been more optional.
You said you wanted to have
a baby for your friends.
And for once in your
life, you can't quit.
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
Is something wrong with your face?
Oh, my God, I've never seen you cry.
That's because I don't cry.
When I was a baby, I didn't cry at all.
And they took me to the hospital
because they thought I was broken,
but I was just a super chill baby.
And now I feel like I'm
gonna cry all the time,
and I think it's because
there's this alien
growing inside of my guts.
Oh, honey, it's okay.
No, get your super
smooth arms off of me.
Yeah, they're too smooth.
So, would now be a bad time
to remind you that Darryl's
baby shower is about to happen?
Oh, God. That thing.
Oh, shoot, we forgot
to get him a present.
I am making him a present, bitch!
V, it is beautiful. I love it.
Aw. I couldn't have done
it without you
covering all the boring side
of things.
I'm so glad we're
in business together.
You're so good at charts
and budgets
and getting deals on stuff.
I can't believe you got those
floating candles 75% off.
That's so sexy.
There you are!
Oh, my God!
- It is so beautiful!
- Ooh! Oh.
Yay! Oh, I'm so happy!
Okay, well, try not to cry,
because it makes people
uncomfortable, mainly me.
I'll try, I'll try.
Oh, God!
Onesies that people can decorate?
Muh-muh. Tears, you stay in there.
If I just walk like this...
No one talk to me.
Also, I'm not opening a damn thing.
- What's with her?
- She's a monster.
Oh, my God, it's Sunil.
I don't know, I've been
thinking about what you said,
and-and maybe I was too hard on him.
I should apologize.
- I'm gonna apologize.
- I mean, sure, if you want to.
You know what, do it in his terms.
Tell him that he's Herbie
and you're Mama Rose from Gypsy
and you're about to sing
"You'll Never Get Away from Me."
You and Sunil really are the
ones that should be friends.
I mean, you-you know that, right?
- Never. I'd rather die.
- Oh, okay.
I'm gonna get a drink.
- Do you want a drink?
- Yeah, no, I'm good.
Hmm.
♪ ♪
Oh, no.
Oh, no. I don't like this.
Uh, guilt, shame, jealousy.
No, I don't want this.
This doesn't feel good.
♪ ♪
Okay, okay,
okay. She is impossible.
Paula is so difficult to please.
You know, nothing is
good enough for her.
She's like Miss Hannigan,
but not the Carol Burnett
version, the original company.
- Ugh.
- Has anyone ever told you
that you should be best
friends with Rebecca?
Never.
I'd rather die.
I totally agree with you about Paula.
She once shredded a brief I wrote,
then took it out of the shredder
and put it in the other way.
Paula is from
- an older generation of women.
- Mm hm.
She came up in an era
where she had to fight,
and that's why now, sometimes,
she's such a big ol' "B."
Yeah, I know.
I used to really love her.
But now I'm with you guys.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
- Hey, I got to get out of here.
- I got to get out of here, too.
No, no, you can't leave.
You're Auntie Paula.
- You're Mama Rebecca.
- I'm not Mama Rebecca.
I don't have any custody rights,
just the right to pick the college.
Okay, okay, so we both
need to find an excuse
- to get out of here.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
- Huh?
Oh, no, there's a bee on your dress.
What?
Whoops. I tried to save
you from a stinging insect,
but accidentally used my cupcake hand.
Oh, oh, the same insect is on you.
Oh, no. Ooh... ah, my God.
Sensitive boobs. You know that.
Oh... aw, shucks. Guess
we got to go clean up now.
We're so sorry. We got to go.
Back way, back way, back way.
- You're gonna love these cupcakes.
- We got to go clean up.
- Delicious.
- We got to get it off.
- It's all over. So good.
- Come on.
So, am I really the office bitch?
Wait, you're actually asking me that?
Paula, it's your brand.
You have the mug that
says "Office Bitch."
It's ironic.
Like the mug that says "Not A Mug."
I guess so.
I mean, you're nice to
me, so I don't really care.
Hey, I know why I had
to leave that party,
but why did you have to?
It was just hard to see Nathaniel.
I mean, you know,
my desk faces his, so
I'm just kind of, like,
tired of that face
and those perfect blue eyes
and the perfect smile and the hot ass.
Uh-oh.
- Paula?
- Uh-huh?
- You gonna be mad at me.
- Uh-huh.
You know the possum and the cat
who have been fighting
in the supply closet?
Uh-huh.
That's not a possum or a cat.
That's two people having sex.
- And it's me and Nathaniel!
- Rebecca,
he has a serious girlfriend!
He-he's cheating on her with you?
You're having an affair?
No, it's not an affair;
she doesn't know anything about it.
- What?!
- Ah! Don't judge me right now.
Oh, to hell with that.
I am judging you.
- I am judging you so hard right now!
- No, please don't.
Do you know what you are?
You're a Tanya.
- You're a stone-cold Tanya.
- No.
You take that back.
I am nothing like
that woman Scott cheated on you with.
Nathaniel and Mona aren't married,
they don't have kids, and
I don't own an orange vest,
which is the only fact
that I retain about Tanya.
I just, I can't, I can't
believe you're a cheater.
I mean, you know how much it hurt me
when I was cheated on.
Oh, my God, I know.
You're right, you're right.
You're right. I mean, it's why
I've been avoiding telling you.
But I don't understand.
Because you dumped him,
he still seems like
he wants to be with you.
Like, wh-why wouldn't
you just date each other?
Just go out with him.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I guess you didn't make
it to the baby shower.
You missed the blessing
of the egg donor.
We all whispered intentions
into hard-boiled eggs.
Yeah, I got some cupcake on
my shirt, so I-I had to leave.
Oh, um, you know, I'm
actually running low on pens.
Are you running low on sticky thingies?
You want to hit the supply closet?
Um...
You know what? I would love to.
I really would, but...
I-I can't.
What?
Yeah, um... listen.
I think I'm... good
on office supplies...
forever.
Why no more office supplies?
So, I know that I said that...
I could get...
pencils and pens with
you indefinitely...
but I can't.
Why? Y-You said getting...
Scotch Tape and Wite-Out
doesn't hurt anybody...
That's what you said.
Yeah, but I was wrong.
I was wrong, it does.
What are they talking about?
It's pretty obvious, dude.
Somebody got hurt with a pen.
The fact is
you're getting office
supplies from someone else.
And I knew that, but I didn't, like...
I didn't know it
until I caught
a glimpse of your...
stationery representative.
So, yeah, it, uh...
it-it has to end.
Oh.
So... what I'm saying is
no more staples, no more paper clips,
no more...
spray cleaner for the white boards.
Well... okay.
I understand.
I guess we were
just kidding ourselves when
we thought we could get erasers
and toners and index cards forever.
I wish you all of the...
freshest, inkiest yellow highlighters
there could ever be.
And I you.
I actually prefer the pink highlighters.
Why am I crying right now?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Is it time?
Is the baby coming?
Ooh, what...
what are you wearing?
Hey. So... it's just a fat suit.
- What?
- Yeah.
Uh, my dad got us these fat
suits this one Thanksgiving,
'cause he thought it'd be fun to
reenact the family dinner scene
from The Nutty Professor.
- Your dad is pretty great.
- I know. He rules.
All right, I'll catch
you later, I guess.
Wait, where you going?
Oh, I told you,
I'm going to the skateboarding expo.
And if they don't know I'm pregnant,
then they can't judge me for
grippin' it and rippin' it.
And also, the suit
will protect the baby,
so we're good.
Bye.
Sorry, I do not want to confront you
because you are violent and scary
and you weigh more than me.
Move, Hector, or I will move you.
Please don't make me do this.
Do not make me wrestle a
pregnant woman in a fat suit,
because I will.
- Oh, my God, there's a podcast.
- Where?
Wait. No!
Big gift!
- Yeah, that's it. Hey!
- You're all here. Great.
I am here to be nice.
No one's gonna say hello? Okay.
So, what are you guys doing?
Just eating a snack.
- Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Mm-hmm.
Ow! What the hell, Paula?
What? I want in on the
slapping game.
- Gotcha!
- Ow!
That is not
how you play Slappy Slaps.
I'm sorry, Paula.
I badly want to foster
an alliance with a woman,
but
I have to be on the side of consent.
Hey.
God, you guys are a tough room.
I was just trying to be fun.
You and I used to have
fun together, remember?
Yeah, we used to, before
I started working here.
Why didn't you tell me
you were the office bitch?
I didn't know.
Come on. You have that mug.
Look, Paula, I don't care
that you're not all fun
and games at the office.
I don't even care that you yell
at people for not
refilling the ice trays
or the way people chew their gum.
Okay, no. I'm just saying,
chew one piece at a time.
It's not a meal.
What I do care about is that
you're not acknowledging
my good work.
You're number one in
our law school class;
I'm right up there with you,
I'm number two.
And yet, you have dismissed
everything I've handed you
with a minor issue or quibble
about the font, the margins...
- Okay, can I just say something?
- No. My work is good.
Everyone's work here is pretty good.
Okay, well, not Tim, obviously.
He's a moron.
I just finished this closing argument.
I want you to read it and consider it,
because it is damned good.
I need you to acknowledge that.
Hey.
Hi.
I know you said you wanted things
to be over, and I understand.
I respect that.
But I just wanted to say that, um...
the last few months
have meant a lot to me.
And they weren't just about the sex.
They were about you.
Me and you.
And if that's what you want,
I'll forget about everything else.
And everyone else.
For you.
Uh...
♪ ♪
So, in not so many words,
he basically said he loves
you and wants to be with you.
What did you say?
Nothing.
How do you feel about him?
It doesn't matter.
Rebecca, why do you think
your feelings don't matter?
Because relationships
do not work for me.
Did not work for you.
You're a different person
than the last time you tried.
No, I'm not.
I'm not. I-I'm...
I am a-a slightly saner version
of the person that I was,
and I'm barely holding on to even that.
I mean, honestly, I'm afraid.
Of course you are. That makes sense.
But you can't live your
life without intimacy.
You need and deserve love.
It's okay for you to have it.
No, I-I can't. I-I can't.
God, you don't understand.
What don't I understand?
I don't want to die, okay?
I've gotten better.
Okay, I've progressed, and yes,
I know that my relationship
with Nathaniel
is not like it was with Josh.
That's right.
But
if I try with Nathaniel,
something will happen, okay?
He'll... he'll go out
to dinner with a friend,
and he won't answer
one of my texts,
or he'll go on a trip, and
he won't call me enough, and...
I know what I'm capable of
when I feel abandoned.
I can go to a really dark place,
and it's a place
where I can hurt myself,
and I-I never want to be
in that place again, ever.
Rebecca, that fear
is always gonna be there.
But as a person who has
known you for a long time,
you're more stable
and self-aware than you were.
And you're a
loving person
who deserves love.
One day,
I hope you believe that.
It's great.
It's well written,
it's well argued.
It's great work.
Thank you.
Okay.
I-I know that I seem, like,
super confident,
and I may be
a big know-it-all...
No. You?
But I have insecurities,
just like everybody else.
More, even.
I was a "C" student growing up.
And my father always
told me I was an idiot,
and I got knocked up before
I could finish college,
and I just, I always feel like
I'm trying to prove myself,
especially in my career, because
it is so important to me.
But that's my problem,
and it's not your problem,
and I'm sorry I was a jerk,
because I was.
Apology accepted.
Really?
Yes.
Oh!
Yes, thank you.
This is good.
Paula, I mean, it's like, um,
I'm Kenickie and you're Rizzo,
and we're making up.
I know that reference!
Grease, right?
- Yes, Grease.
- I saw the movie.
And in this case,
the movie is preferred.
Okay.
So do I have to apologize
to everybody else now?
Oh, no. They're morons.
This is good.
Yeah!
You're right.
A nice lukewarm bath
makes everything better.
Babe, why are you so upset
about a skateboard thing?
Oh, it's not about a skateboard.
It's about
my whole life.
It's about having to be
responsible for things.
I mean, I have a job
and a live-in boyfriend
and a baby in my stomach.
That's all grown-up stuff.
I mean, I never thought
I would actually be a grown-up.
Yeah.
You know, I'm gonna
pay taxes this year.
Isn't that ridiculous?
Yeah. I know how you feel.
I get it.
I don't know
how insurance works.
Me, neither.
We can figure
those things out.
Me and you.
Yeah.
♪♪
♪ I've never been afraid ♪
♪ Of opening my heart ♪
♪ For the slightest chance
at love ♪
♪ I'd gladly tear
my life apart ♪
♪ But now I finally
have a sense ♪
♪ Of who I am inside ♪
♪ So do I risk it all again ♪
♪ Or do I run and hide?
♪ Face your fears ♪
♪ Stare them down ♪
♪ Don't be scared ♪
♪ Stand your ground ♪
♪ 'Cause love is not as scary ♪
♪ As it appears ♪
♪ All I got to do ♪
♪ Is face my... ♪