Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Episode #3.10 - full transcript

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Let's do something fun,
like go to Raging Waters.

- I have a deposition today.
- (groans)


I'm using the exact tools
that we have all learned here,

in group therapy with my friends,

Lana and Clarice and Bert

and Jo... illson.

Doesn't it feel like you're
repeating some old patterns?

Your patterns with Josh, perhaps?

Are you breaking up with me right now?

I'm just saying that
we can't be together

or go out or have sex.

Rebecca, wait, you can't just...

WHITE JOSH: Who are we kidding, dude?

- We got dumped.
- Yeah.

We did.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Can I have my cash back now?

I already bought a hot tub.

You tried a lot of different
things, and we supported you

every time you wanted to quit something.

I am an aimless cynic who
has no plans for my future.

No, I don't live with my mom.

I live with my best friend.

DARRYL: I'll find someone great

to donate an egg.

I'd do anything for you.
You know that, right?

PAULA: You're donating an egg

- to Darryl?
- I have thought this through.

- Have you, though?
- No, not at all.

HEATHER: So... then I finished my
continuing education archery class,

and now I'm, like, a
champion-level bowman,

but it turns out, the Ren fair
only comes, like, once a year.

Well, continuing ed. That's fun.

Yeah, now you can say
you're a student again.

Yeah, but continuing ed

doesn't really count.

It's like... I don't know,
if I'm not a student anymore,

then it's just, like,

who am I?

- (phone beeps)
- Oh! Hold on.

- Hormone time.
- _

- (moaning, groaning)
- Can you just...

go to the bathroom and do that, please?

If women can breastfeed in public,

then I can inject myself with hormones

at this open-air donuteria.

I'm not ashamed of it.

I am helping my good
friend Darryl make a baby,

and I do not care if
people think it's gross.

I am people, and I think it's gross.

Guys, look at all of
my subcutaneous tissue.

I'm, like, the sub-Q queen.
Thanks, donuts.

Well, now you're actively
ruining donuts for people.

- Ah...
- Oh, my goodness. Ugh...

MAN: Ew!

MAN 2: Take it to the alley, junkie!

I'm making a miracle.

- People.
- HEATHER: Wait.

What did Dr. Shin say
about this whole thing?

- Hmm?
- I don't know, maybe just seems like

someone in therapy for
a personality disorder

may not want to take tons of hormones?

He said it was fine.

- Really?
- Yeah.

As long as I'm present and aware,

and I monitor my mental
state, it's all good.

And if I feel stuff start to come up,

I can just use the acronyms
that I've learned in group.

Like, ooh, there's SASSY.

It's "Separate, Assess,
Step Away, Soothe Yourself."

(Paula gasps)

Oh, that's catchy.

Also, you know how Robert
Downey Jr. kind of went through

that spiral, and he
broke into someone's house

and slept in a child's bed?

But then, he had that
guest star in Ally McBeal,

and now he's Iron Man?

That's me.

Someone translate, please?

Oh, she's going back to work.

That's what I meant.
I'm going back to work!

Wow, you got your job
back from Nathaniel?

I mean, that resignation didn't count.

And he knew that I would feel like

coming back to work at some point.

Yeah, are you sure he
wants to work with you,

since you dumped him?

Oh, no, I didn't dump him.

I just put us on an
indefinite permanent break.

HEATHER: I don't know what
my identity is right now.

Should I say I am a bartender?

A lover of cheese?

A chewer of gum?

Like, I'm all of those
things, but none define me.

Honey, that's all very interesting,

but this is a podcast
about relationships.

We want to know about your relationship.

Yeah, well, it's just awkward,

because Hector's sitting right there,

and he's your son, so...

Oh, it's okay.

Whatever you want to say
to me, you can say to me,

my mom and our 334 subscribers

to Dating For All Ages,
which is brought to you

by Merv's Diner, on
4th and East Cameron.

Mention the podcast, and you
get a free ham and cheese.

I guess what I would like to know

is where do you two stand?

How serious are you?

Well, I really like Hector, and...

our names definitely go well together.

Our couple name is "Heactor,"

like "Hector," but with an extra A.

But I can't really make any decisions

about our relationship
until I sort out who I am.

Heather, I just want to take our
relationship to the next level,

become more officially a couple.

Well, another challenge is that
you live here with your mom,

who's your best friend,
so there's also that...


Oh. Sorry.

Dude, we're recording.

When I said you could stay here,

I said we needed it quiet
during pod-casting hours.

Yeah, totally. I just...

I-I just want to get the
tasty scragglers at the bottom.

Um, but... you guys keep going.

I-I'm loving this.

I-I'll just scrag more quietly.



Oh, yeah, no, no.

This is just gonna be too loud.

I'll-I'll just put them away.

Do you have a chip clip?


Hi. There you are. Uh...

Of all the law firms in all the towns,

I had to walk into this one.

What are you doing here?

Um, I am here to tell you
that I have amazing news.

You're leaving town again?

No. I'm ready to come back to work.

- Where?
- Here.

- How?
- What?

You don't work here anymore, Rebecca.

You resigned, remember?

What... no, I didn't resign.

My mother resigned for me
while she was drugging me,

so that's not legal.

Oh, I see your point.

- Yes.
- You didn't resign.


- You still work here.
- Yes.

And now, you're fired.

Oh, hey, boss.

Kevin, can I...

help you with something?

Oh, I just wanted to, uh...

I have a good reason for
asking this, I swear...

Uh, if someone asked...

Not me, but someone...
What would you say you are?

(inhales) S... what?

Well, you know, like,
uh, where are you from?

Oh, um, I was born in Arizona,

and then my dad, his job transferred

- from there to here...
- Yeah... I-I'm sorry.

I-I meant, where are your parents from?

Yeah, um, well, my mom is from Michigan,

and my dad is from Michigan.

They met at University of Michigan.

So, crazy story, huh?

(nervous chuckle)

Kevin, are you trying to ask
me what my ethnic background is?

- No.
- No?

I mean, yes.

Yeah. I-I mean, not because

I-I care about what you are,

I mean, you can be anything you want.

Oh... Oh, thank you.

I mean, you're obviously something!

(laughs) Uh, I mean, we...

we have never talked about...

I mean, I've wondered...
Though, for no reason.

Oh, God,

this is a disaster, isn't it?

And I'm so hot.


Okay, well...


You took it off.

Oh. The point is,

it doesn't matter what race
you are, you are my equal.

- (panting)
- Oh, okay.

Kevin, did you, um,
did you have a point,

- or is this just for fun?
- Yes!


There's a training program

at Home Base corporate,

and they are encouraging
people who are...

who are...

(breathless): S-Say it...

Dear God in Heaven, please.


(panting): Yes. Yes.


Kevin, all you had to say was, like,

"Hey, there's a corporate
management training program,

here's a form."

Right. Here's a form.

REBECCA: Wait. I'm fired?

Um, are... are you angry at me

because of what happened between us?

Because I told you,

that had nothing to do with
you, that-that was all me.

Oh, really? You're gonna hit me with

the "it's not you, it's me"?

Next thing I know, you're gonna hit me

with the "I was going through a thing."

I... was going through a thing.

I'm... still going through a thing,

I'm trying to get healthy in my life.

Oh, "get healthy"?

Really, Miss Personal Pan Pizza? Okay.

- Good luck with that.
- Wow.

So you're just gonna be

a petulant little child
about this? Really?

I am not being a child, okay?

Now get out of my room.

I mean, my office.

Get out of my-my office.

What is wrong with you?

Why are you sweating like
Mickey Rourke after a meal

- at Fogo de Chao?
- Nothing. Okay? I'm fine. (moans)


"Sassy"? What are you
talking... I don't even know

what you're talking about.
Just get out of my office.

Okay, fine, it's too
hot in here, anyway.


Fine, I'm sweaty?

I'll show you how sweaty I am.

Okay, real professional.

That was disgusting!

I'm not a child!

I'm not a... where's my ball?


What happened in there? Are you okay?

(panting): Yeah. I'm fine.

(sniffles) I just think

the, uh, I think it's just
the hormones kicking in.

And also, Nathaniel was
really horrible to me in there.

Uh, he fired me.

Yeah, and, like, in a really mean way.

He insulted my... personal
pan pizzas... anyway,

uh, I don't have to tell
you guys this, though.

You know what a monster he can be.

Actually, he's been okay lately.

MAYA: Yeah. Yesterday,

he patted me on the head, although,

he might've been trying to stand up.

He's been taking your
bust-up pretty well, actually.

Clearly not. He's clearly
devastated and lashing out.

Mm, I don't know if
he's that devastated.

He's got this new gal pal.

Darryl. That was an office secret.

It was on the group
text chain called, "Shh!"

Hold up. New gal pal?

Yeah, this new girlfriend
is all over his Instagram.

He is flaunting her everywhere.

He's even tagging her in photos

that she's not in: sunsets,

rescue dogs,

farmers' market.

Can someone give me their phone?

Honey, no, no, no.

That's not a good idea.

You're off social media, remember?

REBECCA: It's fine. Okay.

I'm s... I'm sorry, Tim,

why is your phone background
a picture of Shania Twain?

She's beautiful, she is from Canada

and she raised her brothers
and sisters all on her own.

- That doesn't impress me much.
- REBECCA: Okay.

Ha... oh, there she is.

Okay, well...

You know what? She's beautiful.

She also went to Stanford.

And she works in a mutual fund.

She's perfect for him.

There. See? I'm fine.

(gasps) No.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be.

Did he take her home to meet his family?

Did he propose?

Way worse.

The worsest.

REBECCA: He took her to Raging Waters!

That's her Paris.

- (gasps)

I mean, he can't be
allowed to do this to me...

you, all of us.

I mean, guys,

have you forgotten what he was like

the first week he came here?

He instantly wanted to fire all of you.

And, Darryl, um, hello...
He stole your firm.

He scooped up your
ex-wife Stacey's shares

behind your back.

Oh, that's true.

REBECCA: Oh, no, no, no, no.

He cannot do this. I say we fight back,

and we take this firm back.

(all groaning)

That sounds a little aggressive

I don't know how I feel about that.

Maybe we could just write him a letter.

Oh, guys, guys!

- What?
- Huh?

Have you forgotten the
kind of person he really is?

♪ ♪

♪ He's the new guy,
you can't trust him ♪

♪ He's a bad guy
even when he's nice ♪

♪ Just because you've seen him
show an ounce of vulnerability ♪

♪ Do you think that means he
has some secret heart of gold? ♪

♪ Sure, there was that one scene ♪

♪ Where he pooped his
pants in front of you ♪

♪ And by scene I
mean he made a scene ♪

♪ Well, I for one ain't sold ♪

♪ He's the new guy ♪

♪ Not easily reformed by ♪

♪ Some quirky girl
that he met at work ♪

♪ Just because now that he
became a season regular ♪

♪ And by season regular I mean ♪

♪ He eats bran in the spring ♪

♪ Doesn't mean the show ♪

♪ Is now called Rich
and Pompous Lawyer ♪

♪ And by show I mean
his favorite show ♪

- ♪ Which, by the way, is Wings? ♪
- What?

♪ Screw the new guy,
well, I did that ♪

♪ And that's how I know that
he hasn't changed a bit ♪

♪ He's an evil sociopath ♪

♪ Who's tricked you
into liking him ♪

♪ Why else do you think that
I'm singing this reprise? ♪

♪ And by singing this reprise ♪

♪ I mean whatever, just
don't think about it ♪

♪ Let's sue the new guy ♪

♪ Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, hubbub ♪

ALL: ♪ Hubbub, hubbub,
hubbub, hubbub ♪

♪ Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, hubbub ♪

Hey, what's a "reprise"?

♪ Darryl, shut up. ♪

♪ ♪

Anyway, so who's with me?

ALL (half-heartedly): Yay... I am...

So it's on!

Chocolate, meet Honey.
Honey, meet Chocolate.

(gruff voice): Hello,
Honey, nice to meet you.

(high, feminine voice):
Oh, hello, Chocolate.

Ooh, do you want to make
love in Rebecca's mouth?


Mmm. Hungry hormone feast.

Hey, Hector, have you heard
about the cool thing I'm doing?

I'm taking my firm back.

Nathaniel hoodwinked and
bamboozled Darryl to get it,

and now I'm gonna
hornswoggle him right back.

- She talks like an old lady.
- Mm-hmm.

I prefer '40s detective, but thank you.

Wait, how are you gonna
take back the firm?

That's what I'm trying to suss out now,

my bird-boned friend.

I have to find some
way to undermine him.

Oh, you know what you could do...

Try the dark Internet.

People do all kinds of
creepy stuff on there.

My friend met someone on the dark web

that made her stepdad disappear.

I don't know about that, Hector.

I mean, that seems a little bit extreme.

Ah! Damn it!

Oh, man...


Hey, Heather, wait, what are you doing

dressed all Good Wife?

I mean, usually you have your
entire midriff hanging out.

Like, we get it, you're skinny.

I'm sorry. Um, that was rude.

I'm very hormonal.

Well, I applied for that Home Base

management training program.

I don't know, I'm a little worried

it's gonna be too uptight for me.

Their dress code is so conservative.

It's like, no tattoos, no
body drawing, no hair dye.

It's, like, my whole look.

I guess I'll just have to
express my colorful personality

with my animated vocal inflections.

Ah! I found it! Sorry.

I found the loophole.

I know how to get the firm back.

I gotta go... assemble the team.


MAN: Well, trainees, on behalf of

Home Base Industries and
Three Strikes You're In, LLC,

welcome to the orientation

for the management training program.

You guys have been
selected from Home Bases

across the land...

By "across the land" I mean the northern

southwestern region of California...

To begin your new careers.

Congratulations, folks.

You've gotten to first base. (chuckles)

- (forced chuckles)
- That's so Du...

Okay, so,

any questions at all?

Uh, yeah, I have a few.

- Mm-hmm.
- First,

are there going to be
constant baseball puns?

Because that's strike one.

Get it? Be... Um...

Also, we're supposed to wear pantyhose,

but pantyhose are actually not sanitary.

They trap all the juices.

Like, scientifically.

You know.

Oh, yep, this is super
uptight. (clears throat)

I know how we can obliterate Nathaniel.

I mean, take the firm back.

So, here's what happened. When Nathaniel

bought Stacey's shares,

the transaction was not executed

in the correct county, because
Stacey lives in Orange County.

Of course she does.

So the transfer of the shares needed

to be notarized in
the local jurisdiction.

(yawning): This is boring.
What are you saying?

(exhales) I'm saying

that if we can get those shares voided,

buy them back, we will
control 60% of the firm,

making us all the controlling entity.

(snaps fingers) Any questions?

Yeah, I have one. Instead
of doing all of this,

why don't you just get
a job somewhere else?

You could go anywhere.

Yeah, you could probably
take all of us with you, too.

- Might be fun.
- I personally would like to work

at a firm where I could
be outside all day.

You know, like Google or SpaceX.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. This is...

this is not about having a job

or getting health
insurance or being happier

or being in fresh air. No, no, no.

This is about justice for all of us.

It's about... it's
about good versus evil.

You guys know that. Come on.

Head back in the game.

I am going to get Stacey
to file with the court

to get us a hearing to void
the transfer of the shares.

Mm, how are you gonna do that?

My ex-wife can be one tough nut.

REBECCA: This is nice, but...

this was really $10,000?

Sure was.

Wait until you feel these jets.

- Oh!
- Right?

- Mmm.
- (whoops)

(chuckles): Wow, I would really
love five minutes alone in here

with my phone browser set to private.

Sorry. I'm, uh... very horny right now.

- My body's making an egg.
- Oh.

That's right, you're making
a baby with my ex-husband.

That's kind of weird.

Yeah, so my sex drive is
just... it's off the charts.

Okay, what is it that you want?

I mean, you invited yourself over here.

You showed up with a bottle
of wine and your bathing suit,

said you had an offer I couldn't refuse,

and now you're talking about
your sex drive? (chuckles)

I'm not bi. Sorry.

- Darryl's the bi one.
- Hey, you know what?

I'm not bi, either.

I mean, I have certain bi tendencies.

Mm-hmm. Honestly, Kinsey
scale, I'm probably a 1.8.

But anyway, Stacey,
this is about business.

So, all right, those shares

in the Whitefeather firm
that you sold to Nathaniel...

Which, by the way, I mean,

was just not the nicest
thing to do to Darryl.

(scoffs) I'm an incredibly nice person.

(baby crying)

Would you turn that baby off?!

- (baby whimpers)
- I'm sorry, just, ugh, these neighbors.

Am I right?

Look, I got those Whitefeather shares

fair and square in my divorce.

- So...
- Okay, you did,

but when you sold them to Nathaniel,

you put that firm in the hands

of someone who is
systematically exploiting people

and taking some other people

to water parks for no apparent reason.

Wait, what?

Nothing. Okay, Stacey,

what if I told you that
I could void that sale

and then buy those shares back?

- (baby cries)
- I heard that,

- you stupid baby!
- Okay, I want to...

(crying continues)

I want to take that
evil Nathaniel to court

and void the sale and then
get the shares back, so, huh?

And why would I do that?

Come on, Stacey, there
must be something you want.

Shut up, baby!

Just shut it down!

(sighs) Your Honor, we are here today

to establish that Mr. Plimpton

acquired the shares of
the Whitefeather firm

- through fraudulent manipulation and...
- (knocking at door)

You're suing me?

Are you out of your mind?

♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪

♪ This is what you've done to me. ♪

Excuse me, you cannot
just barge in my house.

And you know what? You don't
have any right to be mad at me.

I'm the good guy here. Yeah, I'm the one

looking out for the-the
people of Whitfeather.

Just tell me, how did
you convince Stacey

to contest the sale of the shares?

I volunteered to represent her for free

in her noise complaint lawsuit
against the baby next door.

Not the parents. The baby.

She was very specific about that.

Stacey's not a nice person, actually.

I know what this is.

You're trying to get back
at me for not rehiring you

and for the Raging Waters...

Oh! Oh, so you admit it.

Raging Waters was just

to rub your new relationship in my face.

Oh, my God. It's so
transparent. (chuckles)

Look, it's not my fault
that you can't get over me.

Oh. (scoffs) I am over you.

I am totally over you.

- Mm-hmm. Sure. Uh-huh.
- Yeah. I am dating someone

who's funny, intelligent, not crazy.

- "Not crazy"?
- Yeah.

- Oh, oh, oh, nice word. Screw you.
- Screw you.

- Screw you.
- Screw you.

I don't think about you at all anymore.

- I don't think about you, either.
- I never think about you

when I'm home alone in bed
under the covers, warm at night.

I don't think about you
when I'm in a hot tub

- with high-powered jets.
- What?

Nothing. So, we agree.

This conflict is just about
the legalities of the case.

Yeah, we agree.

- Fine, I'll see you in court!
- Oh, yeah.

- I'll see you in court.
- Aah, wear a suit! What?

(sighs, panting)

Heather, just don't disturb me!

I'll be in my room for
eight to ten minutes!

Oh, right, she's at work.

I'm gonna borrow her vibrator.

Heather, we need to talk.

Oh, what, I'm fired

because Linda saw my butt piercing?

That thing is really hard
to get out. You try it.

No, not that.

No, I have great news.

Your idea to add dessert
tapas to the menu,

I pitched it to menu technologies

and they came back with
a good deal of enthusiasm.

Oh, yeah.

They are gonna run it up
the ladder, circle back

and send it down the chain. (laughs)

Is that, like, corporate talk
for saying I had a good idea?

Uh, yeah. A good idea.


Um, I have another one.

We should institute a rideshare
service at all locations

because we're basically
putting drunk parents

into cars with their children.

My God, you are a visionary. Yeah.

Yeah. I also don't want kids to die,

but, uh, yeah.

Okay, guys.

I got this.

I'm gonna knock it out of the park.

- Okay.
- (door opens)

This court is in session.

Ms. Bunch, Mr. Plimpton,
your arguments may begin.

Your Honor, we are here
today to establish that

Mr. Plimpton's acquisition of the shares

in the Whitefeather firm was fraudulent.

That argument should be
rejected on a prima facie basis.

It is absurd.

Manipulating a transaction

to gain a jurisdictional advantage

is dishonest and cannot be abided.

Your claims are overstated

and stretch the legal limits
of local arbitration laws.

Can you guys look at me?

I can barely hear what you're saying.

- Of course, Your Honor.
- Sorry, Your Honor.

(tango music playing)

♪ I'm clearly not over you yet ♪

♪ I'm clearly not over you, either ♪

♪ Our love has
transformed into hate ♪

♪ Damn, sex right now
would sure be great ♪

♪ This is our horny, angry tango ♪

♪ I want to fight ♪

♪ I want to bang ♪

♪ This is our horny, angry tango ♪

♪ We're truly furious, but dang ♪

♪ We're also horny, too... ♪

(clears throat)

As I was saying,

Mr. Plimpton was fully aware
of all the jurisdictional issues

when he first approached
Ms. Whitefeather

to acquire the shares.

♪ I want to tear
you limb from limb ♪

♪ And put your limbs
all over my limbs ♪

♪ Each time we fight ♪

♪ I crave you more ♪

♪ This would be
better on the floor ♪

♪ This is our horizontal tango ♪

♪ We're both pissed off ♪

♪ And yet turned on... ♪

(both moan softly)

♪ This is our horizontal,
horny, angry tango ♪

♪ Now it's time for a six bar long ♪

♪ Classic tango dance break... ♪

Ow, thorns.

♪ Dip ♪

♪ Whore ♪

♪ Slap ♪

♪ I cannot slap you back ♪

♪ Because you are a lady ♪

♪ That clearly is
a double standard ♪

♪ But it's probably for the best ♪

♪ This is our horny, angry tango. ♪

(both panting)

Well, you've made some powerful
arguments for both sides.

Who won?

Yeah, me or him?

I'm not sure. Can we do
it again from the top?

- Oh, God.
- Oh.

Just joking.

Ms. Bunch, I rule in your favor.

The transaction is void.

The shares revert to
Stacey Whitefeather.

Who is selling them to us.


Oh, my God.

Ah, you're so sweaty.

I know, it's just... it's a whole...

- it's a whole thing.
- Aah.

This is amazing, but now
we have to buy the shares.

I mean, how are we gonna do
that? None of us have any money.

Don't worry. I got it covered.

Shtetl ring to the rescue again.

MAN: Mm-hmm.

It's been in my family for generations.

Legend has it that the stone
was mined from the same mountain

as Chaim Potok's wife's wedding ring.

It's fake.


Oh, it's completely fake.

What? No, no. No.

How-how can the Garfinkel
ring not be real?

I sold this.

I sold this to a pawn
shop on East Cameron.

Oh, that place went out of business.

Poor sap was buying fake jewelry.

Oh, my God.

Paula, we need money.

We don't have money.
What are we gonna do?

We don't have any cabbage, scratch,

no clams, no grilled cheese.

Is grilled cheese
old-timey slang for money?

No, I just really want a grilled cheese.

Oh, with marshmallows.
God, I'm so hormonal.

Okay, you got to know
somebody with money.

I mean, you grew up in Richistan.

Don't you all have cocktail parties

where you just stand around

and talk about how to
get more tax breaks or...

Paula, you bring up a point.

I do know some rich people.

Look, Audra and I have
been friends a long time,

and you and I shared that
magical night together,

and I just thought,
you're always talking about

how rich you are, so, you
know, it's no skin off your...

Yeah, I-I'm rich because I don't
give money to idiots like you.

And will you please

stop telling people
that I'm a terrible lay

and that I have a small hmm?

It's sufficient.

You must be so proud.

- (Skype call ends)
- _

BJ NOVAK: What don't
you understand, Rebecca?

My ecstasy factory is losing money.

Everything's about opioids now.

No one wants good, artisanal ecstasy.

God, BJ, you went to Harvard.

It's called being a hyphenate, Rebecca.

Look it up.

Come on, buddy, help me out.

I don't know you.

You keep saying you met
me at some boba stand.

Listen, I don't remember
individual bobas.

I boba three or four times a week.

Now stop pestering my assistant.

No, no, no, Dr. Phil, please don't go.

(Skype call ends)

(Rebecca exhales)


I have a lot of feelings about my job

and I want to talk about them.

Okay, so, I like having a real job.

I feel like I have a lot to contribute.

Also, what am I saying? I'm crushing it.

I'm doing better than any other trainee.

Also, having dental insurance is nice.

My wisdom teeth are on the move.

But I really don't like
the corporate environment

and sports wordplay and
I miss my side hobbies,

so, um, what do I do?

Well, do you have a lot
of money I could use?


You pay my rent, so...

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I-I really, I really messed up.

Um, so, I told a bunch of people
that they could have something

and they can't and I got their hopes up.

And, oh, God.

Oh, my hormones are out of control.

It's like a hundred periods,

plus what I imagine
cocaine would be like

if I weren't too chicken to try it.

- I...
- And here's the thing.

The girl Nathaniel's dating,
it's killing me, okay?

I say it's not, but it is.

Every time I see a
picture of them, it just,

it-it breaks my heart,
especially because she kind of

looks like me, but she has, like,

better eyebrows and
thick, lustrous hair.

It's like if you put me in
a Disney princess machine.

Oh, my God, I missed a shot.

I got to go.

Also, you should wash your vibrator.

Wait... wait, what?



(computer chimes)

- (takes deep breath)
- _

All right.

Let's see who this whore is who
gets to go to my water parks.



HECTOR: Try the dark Internet.

(echoing): Dark Internet, dark Internet,

- dark Internet, dark Internet...
- _







REBECCA: So, it's possible, not certain,

but possible that in a,
uh, hormone-fueled romp

through the dark Internet last night,

I may have ordered a hit on
Nathaniel's girlfriend, Mona.

So, I, but it's okay. It's okay.

I undid it this morning.

I mean, at least I tried to.

Hope I did. I think
I did. I probably did.

But, um, yeah, so I'm starting to think

that maybe the hormones, like,
were not the best idea for me.

But I'm-I'm not ragging on hormones

and egg donation, in general.

Like, it's a wonderful thing.

But, like, for me, in particular.

Uh, that should've been obvious.

We shouldn't be
discussing anything major

until Dr. Shin gets here.

Actually, guys, so,
don't-don't tell Dr. Shin

anything that I just told you

because I didn't check with him

about this whole egg donation thing.

I knew he would say it was a bad idea

and I thought I could just

SASSY my way through it.

Is GASSY a thing?
Because I sit next to you

and it seems like you eat a
lot of cruciferous veggies.

Guys, look, I know I'm
super hormonal and irrational

and rage-fueled right now,
but I... you know what?

This takeover was a good
idea. It's a worthy cause.

Yes, I know I was partly
doing it because of Nathaniel

and his Insta-whore,

but I really care about these people.

You know, I-I care about all
those yutzes and-and he doesn't.

I would be so much better of a boss,

and now I don't have the
money to buy the shares,

and I've had such a tough year

and I just want to
fight for the little guy.

You know? I want to, I want to
battle the corporate machine.

- Yeah!
- Guys, guys, shut up.

(chuckles) Dr. Shin is coming.

Oh, guys, please, please,
don't tell him anything.

Okay? Don't tell him anything. Right?

Borderlines... go!



- Hey, Heather.
- Hey.

It's good to see you.

How's the program going?

Ah, I miss this place.

The smell of the fries,

the sound of the fries,

the heat from the fries.

You want some fries?

Yeah. Thanks.


This place used to be my playground.

It's still a playground.

I mean, it's literally a playground.

Chris, I don't know what to do.

Me, neither.

Both of my parents are drunk

and I don't have a ride home.

That's what I said.


- BERT: Have a good week.
- RICK: Yeah, next week.

See you next week.

(sighs) Rebecca. Oh, my God, Bert,

I can't thank you enough

for covering for me. I mean, God,

you spent that whole session
talking about chemtrails.

Governments use aircraft fumes
to spray us with sedatives.

- Okay.
- That's why Americans

are all so sleepy.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you this.

Few people know this about me,
but I am a Bitcoin thousandaire.

Okay, wow. Uh, what?

Yeah, so I have all this money
and nothing to spend it on.

These fishing vests last a lifetime,

especially if you never fish.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I'll give you
the money for your firm.

- (gasps)
- I'll be a silent partner,

and you can control the shares;
you can do whatever you want.

Oh, my God,
Bert, Bert, you...

you have no idea what this means to me.

I mean, why would you even do this?

Well, I like how you look
out for the little guy.

And to tell you the truth,
I also need a tax break.

Oh, God, Bert, thank
you, thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh, just don't squeeze too hard. Ooh.

Just, oh, just my boobs.

- They're giant melons of pain.
- I'm sorry.

You've also got a pretty
big zit on your chin.

I'm aware.


Oh, of course. Okay.
What is going on?

What's going on is that

you are no longer the
senior partner at this firm.

I found a semi-wealthy

semi-friend to buy the voided shares,

and he and Darryl have designated me

as the proxy to make all the decisions.

- So, I am now your superior.
- Superior?

- You're not a man.
- Ah,

things are gonna be a lot different

around here, Nathaniel. Mm-mm-mm.

30-hour workweeks,
mandatory nap breaks,

- two-hour lunches.
- Oh, what's going on?

Here, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Get this garbage out of my office.

Excuse me, that's not
garbage. That's Gloria.


No, Gloria Steinem and you knew that.
And this is our office now.

See, Darryl is about to have a baby,

courtesy of me and my powerful ovaries.

So, get comfy.

'Cause I'm moving in with you.

FRANK: So, in the next four
years, we will have five

new sites and 16 new menu items...

Hey, Frank.

Heather. Hi. Sorry to bother you

during... whatever this boring
thing is that you're doing.

Is this the refreshing
person you told us about?

Dessert tapas.

- (murmuring)
- HEATHER: Yes, that's me.

Dessert tapas.

So, I came here to quit, because I hate

offices and conference rooms
and undergarments, but...

no, I don't want to quit,

because you guys
definitely need diversity.

And I don't just mean people of color,

which you also desperately
need. It's, like,

creepily homogenous in this place.

But I also mean, like,

people who have good,
out-of-the-box ideas.

I want to go where I'm needed.

I actually love the
Home Bases, like, a lot,

and I want to make them all better.

Like, from top to bottom, not just

in one area.

So... I'd like to be transferred

to the store management trainee program

where I can start to
manage stores on site.

We don't have that program.

But we should.

I make a motion to start one.

You can just do that?

Of course. I just need
someone to second it.

- Second it. And third.
- (member chuckles)

What a board meeting.

I might make love to my wife tonight.

Lucky woman.

Yeah. She's really lucky.

- Sure is.
- (sighs): Wow.

HEATHER: So, now,

at long last, I know who I am.

I'm not a student.

I'm a regional manager.

I get to boss people around

at three San Gabriel Valley Home Bases.

- Wow. (chuckles)
- (chuckles) Yeah.

Of course, the West Covina Home Base

will be my home base Home Base.

So you're basically Kevin's boss now?

(chuckles): Yeah.

Yeah. That's weird.

God, I just feel like...

everything's come together in
this cool and unexpected way.

And so now...

I don't know... I feel
ready to take our thing

to the next level, too.


Yeah. I was thinking

maybe you could... move in?

But I know you're happy here

being besties with your mom.

(laughing) I can't believe
this thing's, like, a large.

But it looks so good.

I'm so happy to do
that for you. No. I...

- So sweet of you.
- Aw.

We're gonna go see Metallica.

- Uh, we might be home late.
- Mm.

- S... Bye.
- Bye!

- (chuckles) I'm so excited.
- JOSH: I know. Bye.

- (door shuts)
- Yeah, about my mom...

(sighs) For the last
few days, I've seen Josh

become her best friend, and...

it's not a good look for him.

Or me.

It's time for me to move out.

Good job, baby.

KEVIN: Welcome home, Regional Manager.

I was so happy when I
heard the news, I went out

- and got you a little present.
- What?

Kevin, you didn't have
to get me anything.

Yes, I did.

When last we spoke, I
was being insensitive.

Since then, I've gone through
extensive online training

in racial sensitivity.

- What?
- I got you this gift

to say congrats on the new job

and also to say

I'm... "sari."

Kevin, I'm not Indian.

I get that a lot, but...

my mom's white, my dad's black.

That's what I am. I'm
half-black, half-white.

100% Michigan.

No. What have I done?

I don't know, but even if I were Indian,

like, not the right move at all here.

I'm so ashamed!

And so hot!

- No... Oh, it's happening.
- (grunting)

- Okay, no. Uh...
- (panting, sniffs)


Oh. Your new rule

about mandated
undershirts is a good idea.



(Darryl sighs)

Any minute, they're
gonna call and tell us

how the surrogate implantation is going.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine,
carrying someone else's baby?

What an angel. It's
amazing. I know. I can't...

- (phone ringing)
- Oh! Oh. Oh! Oh!

- (mutters)
- (beeps)


Yes, this is Darryl Whitefeather.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

What? Hey, what's happening?
What's wrong?

Mm, mm, mm.


No, thank you. I und... I understand.

The doctor was gonna put
our embryo in the surrogate,

and he realized that
she was already pregnant

- and she didn't know.
- What?

(sighs) Oh, God.

I'm gonna have to find a
surrogate in the next 24 hours

or they're gonna freeze the embryo,

which makes it way less viable.

I'll do it.

- Wait, what did she just say?
- Sorry,

hey, Heather? Can you... can you come...

can you come back here for a second?

What w... What did...
what-what did you say?


Yeah, I'm feeling good about my future.

I can do a quick favor.

It's still just nine months, right?

They haven't changed that, have they?

'Cause you know I love my hobbies.

Did you just say that
you would carry our baby?

Yeah, it's fine.

- Oh, my God. Heather.
- (laughing)

- Okay. Moved in my beanbag chair.
- (chuckles)

What-What's happening?

Oh. The three of us are just
gonna have a baby together.

It's no big deal.

Cool. Cool.


- Heather! Oh, my God!
- (laughs) Yay!

(insects trilling)

Hey. Um...

I've been thinking about how I've acted

over the past couple weeks, and, um...

now that I'm off the hormones,

I realize that my behavior has been,

shall we say, heightened.

So, I, uh...

I apologize.

I know I wasn't the nicest person

when you asked for your job back.

And the Raging Waters thing...

I was trying to get under your skin.

- (chuckles)
- I'm sorry.

Honestly, we went in
there for ten minutes,

took a picture, and left.

You know I can't stand
direct sunlight and people.

(chuckling): Right. Right.

Nathaniel, I know that you think

that I ditched you,

but I really am just...

I'm not ready to be in a
real relationship right now.

I really care about you.

I hope you know that.

And breaking things off with you was,

honestly, one of the hardest
things I've ever done.




And, um...

I'm happy that you found someone else.

- Mona seems lovely.
- Yeah.

Yeah, she really is.

Great. So I'm glad that
we can just be adults now.

- Yes, exactly.
- Okay, good.


Uh... Ah.

- Friends? Friends.
- (chuckles)

Yeah. (chuckles)

(both chuckle)


This is a terrible idea.

This is the worst idea.
This is the worst idea.