Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - Trent?! - full transcript
Previously on
"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"...
Rebecca Bunch,
I have loved you
since the moment
that I saw you
freshman year in the cafeteria.
This isn't happening.
You know what they say...
One person's blackmailing is
another person's love story.
Have you ever noticed how
when a male patient dies,
he's all like, beep...
But when a female patient dies,
she's like beep, beep, beep!
I'm so glad we're in business together.
You're so good at charts
and getting deals on stuff.
That's so sexy.
- God, Boggle.
- What? Oh...
This should never
happen again after this.
Absolutely, this is the last time.
Last time. The last time.
You're seeing someone else,
she's your girlfriend,
and I'm your "friend."
So it's possible
I may have ordered
a hit on Nathaniel's
girlfriend Mona.
But it's okay, I undid it
this morning immediately.
At least I tried to.
Hope I did.
I think I did.
I probably did.
The last few months
have meant a lot to me.
And if that's what you want,
I'll forget about everything else
and everyone else,
for you.
So, do you have to, like,
study,
everywhere we go?
I have a final. It's an ethics class.
It's hard.
Well, just copy your
ethics off someone else.
Right? Also, Rebecca,
what's up with the knitting?
Um, it's crocheting, and
she's trying to relax.
She and Nathaniel are...
Hey, yeah, so maybe
there's a better mime
we can do around someone who
survived a suicide attempt.
It's fine, yes.
Nathaniel and I are done.
Okay?
Clearly, I wasn't ready
to be in a relationship.
Also, he was seeing
someone else.
That...
always works out great.
Exactly,
it did not work out.
Which is great,
because now
I get some well-deserved
me time.
Yeah, I get some hot
Rebecca-on-Rebecca
action.
Yeah, I don't need a man.
And you know what says that?
This soon-to-be
afghan.
- I like that attitude.
- You go, girl.
- Other supportive girl thing.
- Yeah.
You know what, from now
on, my life is gonna get
an A-plus on the Bechdel test.
Well, actually,
since the Bechdel test
is a measure of how often
women talk about men,
the act of talking
about the Bechdel test
kind of technically means
you've failed the Bechdel test.
Okay, thank you,
feminism referee.
And you know
what the best thing is
about being alone,
potentially forever?
I know
what the future holds now.
The way ahead is clear,
and I know exactly
what I need to do next.
♪♪
It's an afghan.
♪♪
♪ It's come to this
like I knew it would ♪
♪ Since I'm now single for good ♪
♪ I know just what I gotta do ♪
♪ I gotta go get myself
a buttload of cats ♪
♪ A buttload of cats ♪
♪ A buttload of cats ♪
♪ Way too many cats ♪
♪ When you're a
permanent bachelorette ♪
♪ It's mandatory that
you go out and get ♪
♪ A buttload of cats ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I walk myself down to
the Lonely Lady Cat Store ♪
♪ The smell is overwhelming inside ♪
♪ This is the future
smell of my house ♪
♪ It's the smell of my
dreams that have died ♪
And cats!
♪ I walk up to the cat shelf ♪
♪ Where the cats are
labeled big and small ♪
♪ The saleslady asks,
"Is there one you like?" ♪
♪ And I state, "I'll
take them all" ♪
♪ I want a buttload of cats ♪
♪ Meow, a buttload of cats ♪
♪ Gimme a buttload of cats ♪
♪ Meow, a buttload of cats, meow ♪
Yes. ♪ The saleslady's pumped ♪
♪ She's closing early ♪
♪ And headed home to her
sad walk-up apartment ♪
♪ Filled with her
own buttload of cats ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ That she got at a discount ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ 'Cause she works
at the cat store ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Why have cats over
time become ♪
♪ Synonymous with loneliness? ♪
♪ We gotta work on
our collective image ♪
♪ We need a new publicist ♪
♪ The ironic part is
we're not that friendly ♪
♪ If you're lonely, we
might make it worse ♪
♪ Also, we sleep,
like, 16 hours a day ♪
♪ Have you considered
getting a dog? ♪
♪ Nope, I want a
buttload of you guys ♪
♪ Okay, we warned you ♪
♪ A buttload of cats ♪
♪ We're gonna ruin your couch ♪
♪ There's a lot of evidence
that ♪
♪ Organisms in cat
poop make you crazy ♪
♪ Yes, we saw that
article in The Atlantic ♪
♪ And then we peed on
The Atlantic ♪
♪♪
♪ But I still want
a buttload of cats! ♪
Oh, my God, it's so nice
to connect with someone.
I feel so much less alone
now.
Do you want to get out of here
and talk more about our cats?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh. Oh.
Hey,
where are you ladies going?
We're all supposed to be
lonely.
I like tabbies.
Oh...
Mmm... oh, yeah.
I'm digging this.
Quiet night in by myself.
I can finally hear myself think.
I can hear you think, too.
Wha... wha... wha...
Rebecca. Trent?!
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?!
♪♪
♪ I'm just a boy in love ♪
♪ La-la-la,
lovey-dove ♪
♪ I can't be held
responsible for my actions ♪
♪ Ooh, he's a male ingenue ♪
♪ I have no underlying
issues to address ♪
♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪
♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪
♪ Therefore, you
can't call him crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause when you call him crazy ♪
♪ You're just calling him in love. ♪
Blam!
*CRAZY EX- GIRLFRIEND*
Season 03 Episode 12
Episode Title: "Trent?!"
I said "Blam."
Yeah, I heard you.
So, what, you just never
heard back from Rebecca?
No.
I basically offered to
give up everything for her,
and the next thing you
know, I got this text.
And then I sent that text.
- And that was it.
- Huh.
Rebecca and I
see each other at work,
and we just act like the
whole thing... never happened.
- Yeah, that sounds healthy.
- Yeah, well...
- What's wrong, baby?
- You thirsty? Want some water?
Hey, uh, quick question,
why is it that all of my friends,
including you,
are in love with Rebecca?
Does she have
a magic vagina?
No.
She has a great one,
though.
And she does like when
I refer to it as the Sorting Hat.
Harry Potter dirty talk.
- Don't worry about it.
- Yikes.
So, uh... so what's
going on with Mona, then?
You still seeing her?
I've just been
avoiding her,
which is
ridiculous.
I keep telling her that
work is crazy.
It's not crazy.
- It's not fair to her, you know?
- Hmm.
Mona's great.
She doesn't deserve this.
Yeah, I know. It's pretty
crappy what you're doing.
Ah, there it is.
There's that famous
judginess
I've heard so much about.
I'm even getting it from
your dog down there. Hello.
That's a good boy.
Look, I know
I should move on, okay?
I just can't seem to do it.
I don't know, I guess
a part of me is hoping
that Rebecca will
come around eventually.
When will I ever get the message?
When are you gonna
get the message, Trent?
I don't want to see you.
Okay, Paula told me
it was you
that gave Josh my medical
records right before my wedding.
You almost ruined my life,
maniac!
You mean saved your life,
lover?
No. You blowing up my wedding,
uh, kind of put me on the path
- to almost killing myself, so...
- Oh, come on,
that's a reach.
I mean, take some
responsibility for your actions.
I saved you from being in a
marriage you didn't even want.
And now I'm here to claim
my prize for a job well done.
You.
What? Here to claim your prize?
It's been months.
I mean,
where the hell have you been?
Oh, you have no idea
what I've done
to fight my way back to you.
After I dropped the
documents off to Josh...
Here you go.
All I had to do was wait
for your wedding to fail.
So I rented a drone
with a camera, and I watched
as your wedding fell apart.
Victory!
Then I tracked you
to the weirdly foreboding
Covina Inn and Suites.
I knew you were alone.
All I had to do was claim
my prize, my princess.
I'm coming to rescue you,
Rebecca.
And just as I was about to
save you from your tower...
I heard the sound of a train.
You know how I feel
about clowns and trains.
Ironic, then, that I was
hit by a bus and not a train.
That was the beginning of
the worst months of my life.
Every bone in my body
was broken,
except, unfortunately,
my ear bones.
Hey, Trent, how you doing, buddy?
Oh, that's right.
You can't talk.
Ooh-hoo, my favorite kind of audience.
Would you mind hearing
some of my new stand-up set?
So, this patient comes in
with a yellowish
discoloration of the skin.
His name was Jack Nicholson.
He says, uh,
"Here's Jaundice!"
I have, like, maybe 40 more.
Can I run them by you?
I spent the next six months
of my life in terrible pain.
She's always got to go
collect the urine sample
- with all the other female patients.
- Both physically...
I used to call it the
dab ointment and lean.
And comedically.
Gynecological obstetrics!
Till one day I could no
longer take it
and I mustered all of my energy
and I broke free from my casts.
I knew Dr. Roth would have the
authorities out there looking for me.
He was developing
a one-man show,
and he needed my help.
So I stole a hog
and decided to head out to
the desert to recuperate.
I holed up
in a cave in the Mojave.
And I hung with a pack of
coyotes,
and they taught me how to howl again.
That's when
I knew that I was ready
to find my way back to you.
So I Wazed directions back
towards the Brooks Brothers
at the Desert Hills
Premium Outlets
to find myself some clothes.
I'm an outlet guy.
And I came here.
Oh, my God!
Mm-hmm.
I mean, that's the most
insane story I've ever heard.
Honestly, I'd be impressed
if I weren't so disgusted
by you as a person.
Okay, so just...
You told me your story,
now get out of here, Trent.
All right, your timing
couldn't be worse.
I am not looking for anything
right now.
I'm browsing cat websites.
I'm-I'm making a crocheted
blanket for Darryl's baby.
Why am I tell you this?
Just get out.
You leave me no choice, then.
I'm gonna have to blackmail you
into being my girlfriend again.
Yeah, buddy,
you can't blackmail me, okay?
Everyone already knows all of my top
secret personal info, thanks to you.
Oh, I have way better
info than that now.
Does Pretzel365 ring a bell?
Perhaps a handle that
you used on a little thing
we like to call
the Dark Web?
How do you know about the Dark Web?
The Dark Web is my playground,
baby.
I have a Dark Web alert
on your I.P. address.
I saw that, one night, you were trying
to take a hit out on a girl
called Mona.
I have all the info.
I printed out a hard copy
'cause hard copies just have
more gravitas. There you go.
No. No, no, no. No, no.
Oh, my God, but...
I was out of my mind on hormones,
and I undid it all the next day.
I never meant to hurt anyone.
Oh, cool. So you don't mind if
I distribute that to everyone,
and you get arrested and
disbarred and sent to prison
for solicitation of murder for hire
under federal statute 18, U.S.C. 1958?
Whee! I'm your boyfriend again.
♪♪
Mm, any update on that
Jessica Alba charity event?
I told you, we're not
getting that party.
Every event planning company
in town is pursuing it.
But you know her.
I L.A. know her.
I spun next to her,
I juiced behind her,
and one time,
I was at a gifting
suite in front of her.
That's the extent of it.
I texted her assistant, but
we're not gonna hear back.
Beth, we need a really cool party
to get a lot of attention
and raise our profile.
I mean, nothing could
possibly lower our profile.
We work... out of a
children's baseball bar.
I just want to work on classy
events with classy people.
What up, Home Base?
DJ Disc Joshy is in the house!
♪ Always ♪
Oh, God, he's terrible.
How did he even do...?
♪ Everything that I do... ♪
Hey, Valencia.
Hey, Valencia's girlfriend,
because she has girlfriends now,
and that's so cool.
Hey, Josh. Uh, you know,
you can call me Beth now.
We've met a couple times.
- See? You're so cool.
- Thank you.
Turn that thing off.
We're working.
Oh. I know you're working,
and that's exactly why I'm here.
Here to pitch to you my DJ services.
Oh, I've been deejaying
at my club, and I ran
into Monica F. from high school,
who said her little sister's
having a sweet 16 at the rec center,
and she's gonna ask
you to plan the party.
And I got your DJ right here.
Me. It's me.
I'm not doing that party.
She already asked me; I said no.
V, we can't turn down
events, any events.
We work here.
We have to buy onion rings every hour
just to keep the Wi-Fi going.
We're doing the party.
Awesome. Hire me.
- I'll do it for free.
- Great, you're hired.
Also, you're not very
good at negotiating.
Okay, fine.
But if we're doing it,
we're doing it my way, chic and elegant.
Great. As long as I pick the music.
Absolutely not.
But that's all a DJ does.
No. They also bring in
equipment and push buttons.
But can we at least do the Royal?
I've been dying for a kid's party
- to expose it to a new generation.
- The Royal?
Oh, God, don't listen to him.
Shut up about it, Josh.
Oh, the Royal is the best.
Okay. Uh, it's a dance Valencia
and I did in high school
when we were voted
homecoming queen and king.
Royal, get it?
- Oh, yeah. 'Cause of...
- I said, shut up.
Josh, no Royal,
no cheesy music; that
is not my personal brand.
Whatever you say. I... as long
as I got this gig, I'm happy.
Fine. You've got the gig.
Thank you.
Also, never touch me again.
Oh, cool. Is she still like that?
That takes me back to
when we were dating.
But you know what I'm talking
about, right, Beth?
I don't have that problem,
Josh.
Yeah. O-Okay.
Oh,
so glad we're back together.
And that was a great
19th game of Scrabble.
Um, great bingo with "quixotry."
Yeah. Triple letter score,
plus 50 bonus points... I win.
Yeah. Well played.
It's been so fun staying up
all night. Um, hey,
so could I
have my phone back now?
No. First, we have to
play Settlers of Catan
and then Ticket to Ride,
and then maybe we can talk
about you getting your phone back.
Hey, instead of board games,
how about we do something
more... immediate.
- Sex?
- No.
Uh... I would like to...
show off...
my... pookie.
Wait. Me?
I'm your pookie?
No one has ever called
me a pookie before.
This is... crazy.
Well, today's your lucky day.
I would like to take you
to my office
and show you around.
Everyone will be there
today, except for, sadly,
Nathaniel, he'll be in a meeting,
but everyone else will be there.
And you can see Paula.
I-I didn't think we'd
get here this fast.
I mean, I-I didn't expect to
get here until around month four
in our relationship,
but I knew you'd come around.
Yes.
Well, that's what's happening.
Ooh, I got you a pretty dress
for when we promenade. I'll go get it.
Great. Okay.
Say what we worked out in the car.
Uh, hi, everybody.
This is Trent, my ex.
Uh, we're now back together.
Yeah.
Is there anything else you
want to say to this room full
- of people, baby girl?
- Right. Um...
I know that I said I wanted to live
a life of quiet loneliness,
but then... Trent came back.
Um, Trent... is the love of my life.
He is
the Pyramus to my Thisbe.
Wow. That was,
that was beautiful.
- Trent.
- Hey.
So good to see you.
- Thank you.
- Look at you two.
Finally together. Will they? Won't they?
I guess they will.
So listen.
I have a gushing period,
and I need Rebecca's help for
a minute, so can you spare her?
What kind of help?
Ah, okay.
Well, you know, with me,
it's like a four-hand job.
I mean, I got to... I'm
putting in menstrual cups,
a-a tampon, maybe a pillow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just... it's really...
it's a NC-17 graphic,
so can I go with her,
um, my love?
Yes, of course. You know I think
menstruation is beautiful.
It's my favorite time of
the month to make love.
Ugh.
- ♪ Period sex, period sex. ♪
- Nope.
You don't get to sing that.
Okay. I'll be right back. Okay.
Mmm... mwah.
Oh.
- Bye.
- Hold on one second.
Yes. I'm-I'm sorry
I missed the meeting today.
I've been, um,
busy at the office.
I'll have my assistant
reschedule. Mm-hmm.
Okay, Paula, it's bad. It's really bad.
And I need your help now.
Rebecca, what is going on?
What's going on is I need your help.
Okay? And-and not Good Paula help.
I need Bad Paula help.
Right?
Not "I'm a lawyer and I want
to play by the rules now" Paula.
I need surveillance-
camera-in-the-brooch,
tracking-device-in-the-shoulder
Paula, now.
- What? Why?
- Trent is blackmailing me.
How? What does he have on you?
- I don't think you want to know.
- Why?
He just is, okay?
So I need your help.
It's nothing we haven't done before.
Okay, but...
Honey, all that scheming...
We have talked about
this... It is in the past.
I have changed.
- You have changed.
- Yes. Yes, I have,
but sometimes the past comes
back to bite you in the butt.
Oh, hey, look, if he's
threatening you with something
serious, then
let's just go to the police.
No, we can't go to the police;
that's how blackmail works.
- That's why blackmail works.
- I'm sorry,
but I want to be a lawyer,
and breaking the law
is not a good idea for me
right now.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay.
Paula, I...
I didn't want to say this.
I really didn't, but...
Trent doesn't just have dirt on me,
he has dirt on you, too.
Yeah, and it's bad stuff.
It's-it's all the stuff.
It's the surveillance,
it's the bugging,
it's the brick through
the window,
the shoulder trackers, obviously.
- Oh, my God.
- And, Paula,
I just...
you're in your second
year of law school,
and you're basically already
the best lawyer I know,
and Trent wants to take
that all away from you.
- Oh, my God.
- He could get us both in trouble.
He could get us both arrested.
So, really, I'm here because
I'm looking out for you.
I'm looking out for you and
your dreams and your family.
So all we have to do,
we just have to do,
just some teeny, teeny,
teeny, tiny things, huh?
Let's take back his power.
Let's blackmail the blackmailer.
I really don't want to do this.
Neither do I.
But we have no choice.
Both of us, right?
I guess you're right?
So come on. Hmm?
One last time.
I'll help you. It's like...
♪♪
♪ Back in action,
back on the street ♪
♪ Back in the saddle or
some other kind of seat ♪
♪ We're back in action,
getting things done ♪
♪ Getting geared up ♪
♪ For some action-based fun ♪
♪ We're like buddy cops ♪
♪ But we're not cops ♪
♪ We're buddies, for whom ♪
♪ The action never stops ♪
♪ We're both super into this ♪
♪ That much is clear ♪
♪ We're on the same page ♪
♪ We got nothin' to fear ♪
♪ So we're back in
action, back in the game ♪
♪ Back on the road,
with a little back pain ♪
♪ 'Cause we've gotten older ♪
♪ Than we used to be ♪
♪ Back when we were ♪
- ♪ Super actiony... ♪
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do we really need a
guitar solo right now?
Can we please just keep
working on the case?
Sorry. You're right.
Back to it!
♪ And now we're back in action ♪
♪ Back at it again ♪
♪ Just me and her,
two actiony friends ♪
♪ Adrenaline's pumping
in the heat of the night ♪
♪ We're back in action... ♪
- Well, all right...?
- ♪ Well, all right! ♪
Okay, so is everything okay
at the house with Trent?
I mean,
he's not making you do any...
Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
Okay. He's just sleeping at the
foot of the bed like he always does.
Ah. I got to say,
for a blackmailer,
he's decent on consent.
- Hmm.
- I did let him give me
a-a pedicure, though.
He used this amazing
vanilla foot scrub.
Anyway, we need to know
two things.
One, the name of the
foot scrub, and two,
we don't have anything
to blackmail him with yet.
I know, and I couldn't
sleep all night,
because I just kept thinking
about all the different things
that he could get us
in trouble for.
I mean,
why did I do all those things?
No, no, no. Hey.
Don't beat yourself up, okay?
We're-we're gonna get him.
Okay. You're right.
We're gonna get him.
We're gonna get him. Okay.
Okay, Trent.
Where do you go all day?
Oh. It looks like he just
turned left off of East Cameron,
and he's heading towards...
- South Cameron?
- Ooh.
I mean, that's like the
Knockturn Alley of West Covina.
It's the place in Harry
Potter where bad things happen.
You don't care. It's fine.
Okay, it looks like he's...
he's actually at the South
Cameron storage facility.
That place is shady.
Yeah, no, I've seen a bunch of cases
where coyotes use it
as-as drop-off points.
Oh, if he's mixed up with them.
Wait, he is mixed up with coyotes.
- What?
- Well, he told me all about it.
They taught him how to survive,
how to howl, how to eat lizards.
Do you think they followed him
to West Covina from the desert?
Oh, my God, that's so cute.
That's a Pixar movie.
Rebecca, do you think
smugglers eat lizards?
What are you talking about,
smugglers?
Smugglers are called "coyotes."
Oh, okay. That makes a lot more sense.
- Yeah.
- So those montage visuals
were from my point of view.
- Yeah... oh, yeah.
- He's talking about smugglers, then.
- Wait, he's talking about the...
- Oh, he's talking about the...
- Totally can use it to blackmail him.
- Wait, wait.
If he's doing illegal stuff
like-like weapons and...
- drugs.
- Drugs.
Yeah, we can use that
to neutralize him.
Oh, my God, and then
it'll all be behind us,
and we can get back to
our lives
and our families
and-and my finals.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. See?
I told you this was
just a little speed bump,
and then we can go back to
being upstanding citizens.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, make sure those
are alternating color.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm.
- Good...
- Um, e-excuse me,
Ms. Valencia?
So, what do you think, Janie?
Um, I wanted a theme.
Something like Riverdale?
Please, Janie, none of your friends
are hot enough to be on Riverdale.
And there is a theme.
It's the Jazz Age. 1920s.
Like Great Gatsby.
Ha-cha.
Okay.
So are there gonna be glow sticks, then?
Well, now you're just
trying to provoke me.
Now go put on your sequined headband
and floor-length pearl necklace.
Okay, fine.
And don't forget your ivory
cigarette holder and hip flask.
Today is your day, Janie.
Janie's loving this.
- Yeah, she seems super stoked.
- She's fine.
We're giving her a tasteful,
sophisticated, upscale event
with photos that will
help promote our business.
Oh, God knows that's
what every teenager wants.
Hey, check it out.
DJ Disc Joshy's in the house.
You look great.
I'm so hot, and it's so tight,
I can't even raise the roof... look.
See? Are you watching me do it?
I mean, how am I
supposed to do the Royal
when I can't even raise my arms?
I told you, no Royal.
Just pretend not to be a
lame townie for ten seconds.
It's so embarrassing.
Now go fire up some Lindy hop.
Kids will be here any second.
Thanking you.
Come on.
He's a nice guy.
Hey.
Thanks for coming, uh...
I have something I want to ask you.
You're only putting one
butt cheek on the chair.
That's fair. I deserve that.
Um, look, I know I've
been AWOL recently,
but work's been really busy...
I've been really busy, too.
I launched a new campaign
for one of our overseas funds,
but weirdly, my phone worked
while all that was happening.
I'm sorry.
- It's really rude.
- Yeah.
We've been together for a
while, and you just ghosted on me
for a few days.
I was stupid.
Okay? But it won't happen again.
I want to make sure
we never go a few days
without speaking to each other.
So...
why don't we move in together?
Really?
You're asking me
to move in with you
after not calling me for
three days? That's bold.
Well, I figured that, you know,
you and I have been together
- for a few months now, and...
- Okay, cool.
So, if we move in together,
that means you'll stop
sleeping with Rebecca Bunch?
What's he doing?
I don't know, I mean,
I can't see what he's doing.
Nope... is he leaving? No, wait.
Okay. Okay.
- And... scamper.
- Scamper.
- Aah!
- Oh, you all right?
Shh, shh.
Who are we hiding from?
He's gone.
- Shh!
- Okay.
An anodized steel double
bolt tri-magnetite lock?
I thought you were gonna
give me a challenge, Trent.
Do you need the bolt
cutters from the car?
Nah.
Your earring.
Mm-hmm.
Come to... Mama.
Let's get some dirt on
that turtlenecked psycho.
- Oh...
- Oh...
How did you know I was
sleeping with Rebecca?
I wasn't sure, but thank you,
now I am.
Oh-oh, God, I'm so sorry, Mona.
I-I... but it's over
between her and I, I swear.
Hey, it's fine,
I mean, for all you know,
I've been sleeping with other
people the whole time, too.
- Were you?
- No.
Got some good offers,
but I liked the guy I was seeing
and I was hoping he'd
come around.
Which is pathetic, I know.
My therapist, Dr. Akopian...
He's great, by the way...
He keeps asking me, "Why are
you waiting around for this guy?
Especially if you don't trust him?"
I'm so sorry.
I'm a jerk. Okay?
I don't know why I did that to
you, but it won't happen again.
I should have spoken up sooner.
But people like us, we
were not raised to confront.
Or be honest.
You know, we're WASPs.
Our parents treat their marriages
like business arrangements.
I don't want that.
I want something real.
Wow.
I mean, that's what I want, too.
I-I think I didn't realize
that I could have that with you.
Then you're an idiot.
Yeah.
So...
where does that leave us?
Let's just start with dinner.
I love the bacon-wrapped dates here.
Okay.
Oh, God.
What the hell?
I mean, this is so much underwear.
So much underwear.
Okay, so he's been...
He's been stalking me
since the moment we met.
- Cool.
- Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Look at...
Oh, look at all the sex
books. Lots of sex books.
Okay.
All right.
Socks right here.
Wait a second.
These are all my socks.
Every-every pair of socks I have
has one sock missing.
I have been wearing mismatched socks
ever since I got to West Covina.
Look it. Look it. How do I not...?
I always wear mismatched socks.
I look the host of a Nickelodeon show!
Honey, that's not right.
Oh! Oh, geez.
Okay, this is just all ramen.
Shrimp-flavored ramen.
I mean, even his choice of
ramen flavor is upsetting.
Hey.
Ooh. Damn, damn, damn.
Look at this, look at this. - Ooh.
This definitely has a whole
"hide my weapons and
drugs" type vibe, right?
Yes.
Although, mm,
this is not the first
time on a caper you, or I,
have thought that
someone was dealing drugs.
But this time is different.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, does it have a lock?
Or a combination?
Um, actually, no.
There's... there-there's
really no lock.
Cool. I'm going in.
Oh. You know what?
I don't think...
don't think we should open it.
Yeah, it's never drugs.
Man, I am so glad you're here
visiting Rebecca again.
Oh, my God, these
portobello puffs are so good.
Oh, the secret is clarified
butter and cayenne.
Oops. Secret's out.
I mean, I don't know what
other pregnancies are like,
but when I'm pregnant I crave your food.
Cool.
Oh, no.
Oh, baby girl, no.
I found my missing socks.
What happened?
Did you sleep with the Hulk impersonator
on Hollywood Boulevard?
There's a hot one.
No, she didn't.
It's my love test. You failed it.
You've broken my heart.
Okay, feels like you guys
have some things to work out,
so I'm just gonna take these
tasty treats to go in my room.
Trent, you booby-trapped
that trunk just for me?
Yes, I did.
I don't understand
why you don't trust me.
Trust you?
Trent, you're blackmailing me.
Our relationship is
90% based on fear and
ten percent on the hope
that you'll make that fusilli
with duck ragout again.
Why don't you love me?
What's standing in the way of that?
You.
God, you should know by
now that I'm not interested.
How would I know that?
You've encouraged my attentions
every step of the way.
You brought me here to pretend
to be your boyfriend.
You let me cook for
you and clean for you.
You took my virginity.
You've given me all these little
pieces of love along the way,
these love kernels.
Hmm.
Well, you know what?
Love kernels aren't reality.
So get over it.
You know, I thought we
were written in the stars,
Rebecca Bunch.
But I guess I was wrong.
Trent, as someone who
used to think things
were written in the
stars, take it from me,
those feelings are not real.
So blackmail me all you want.
I'm never gonna love you.
Okay.
Wow.
That was so mean.
I'll remember those words
under a veil of my own tears.
I'm gonna go.
Here. Here.
This is everything I have on you.
It's all printed e-mails so it's
mainly just a symbolic gesture,
but that's everything.
- Good-bye, baby girl.
- Get out, Trent.
Hey.
Um, are the bacon-wrapped dates ready?
Turn 'em over in five.
They'll be ready in 20.
Pookie out.
So, did you want to
turn the dates over or...
I will turn them over.
Okay, I'll just wait in my room.
Wait.
Hey, honey, what's up?
Paula, it's done.
We did it.
- Trent's gone.
- He is? Really?
- J-Just like that?
- Yeah. The whole thing was some sort of
dumb love test or something.
It's fine and he
destroyed all the evidence.
So it's over.
He's just
gonna leave us alone.
We're safe?
Oh, my God, I was so scared.
Listen, God, thank you for everything.
Oh, Paula, you're my best friend and...
Okay, all right. I got to go.
Bye, honey.
Okay. Oh.
Hey, kids.
It's time for another Charleston again.
And, uh, there are more
bacon-wrapped dates.
Eat 'em while you can before
it's the Great Depression.
Jessica Alba would love
this party, don't you think?
Oh, yeah, I... I forgot to tell you.
We didn't get it.
They went with the
winner of Teen Chopped.
Ugh, damn it. I can't believe
we didn't get that party.
- Valencia.
- What?
We already have a party.
It's right here
and it sucks.
Of course it sucks because
it's in this stupid town
- with these stupid people.
- Stop it.
That's an awful way to talk.
You're from here.
So what? You're from
a stupid, small town.
So was I before I moved to L.A.
So are a lot of people.
Don't be ashamed of
where you come from
or who you are.
He's not.
And that's what makes him ridiculous.
That's actually what makes him cool.
It might be the only
thing that makes him cool,
but, for the love of God,
embrace this party
and make it fun.
Janie deserves that.
- Hold my phone.
- Of course.
All right, kids, let's
get this party started!
♪ I know you know it ♪
♪ I can't control it ♪
♪ Call me the greatest
here in this moment ♪
♪ I know you know it,
I can't control it ♪
♪ Call me the greatest... ♪
Do you remember it?
How dare you.
You know I do.
♪ Watch me put in
work, do it so royally ♪
♪ I'm royalty, I'm royalty... ♪
Whoa. They're weirdly
incredible.
♪ So royally ♪
♪ Call me the greatest ♪
♪ Sing with the chorus ♪
♪ All hail the queen,
bow down to me... ♪
What is that dance called?
It's called the Royal.
Let's get everybody dancing.
Hey, guys, get out there.
Go dance. Come on.
Have fun.
♪ All hail the queen,
bow down to me ♪
♪ Step up on the scene
and they bow down to me ♪
And bow down, put on your crown.
Wave, wave, wave, wave.
Put on your crown. Jump, jump, jump.
Wave, wave.
♪ All hail the queen,
bow down to me ♪
♪ Step up on the scene
and they bow down to me ♪
♪ All hail the queen, I'm royalty ♪
♪ Bow down to me, bow down to me. ♪
Hey.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you.
You're a really great DJ.
Did a good job tonight.
Thank you.
And I'm also sorry that I
called you a lame townie.
I mean, I'm a townie, too,
but, I mean, I'm not lame.
But I am from this place,
I guess, and I'm okay with
my past.
Sort of.
You know, I have this movie
poster in my room that says,
"You Can't Run Away from Your
Past because It's Your Future."
It's from Space Karate II.
That's us.
I feel a strange emotion
towards you.
- Respect?
- Never.
Hey, Mama.
Hey. I just wanted to, um...
to thank you for all your help.
Uh, I'm so glad everything
worked out.
Oh. I mean, I-I can't believe
that I left myself open
to blackmail like that,
and I did all those dumb things and...
Just stop, okay? You
learned your lesson.
We both learned our lesson.
It's okay. I, uh, I just...
I wanted to say that
I'm so sorry.
Oh, why are you sorry?
I mean, it was Trent's fault.
Right, it was Trent's fault.
It was. I'm just...
I'm just glad it's over.
Yeah, me, too.
Mmm.
Oh.
- Okay, I got to... get to it.
- Okay.
Okay.
What's... going on?
Hi. Um, I decided it would be best
if you and I didn't
work in the same office,
and since you're the senior partner,
I moved in here with Darryl.
He keeps pushing me to get a bunk desk.
Oh.
So you'll be here from now on?
Yeah, I think it's best.
You've moved on, obviously.
I have?
I saw your new boyfriend...
The, um, big guy
with the... with the turtleneck?
No. Oh, my God.
Wait. You saw him?
- You saw that?
- Yeah.
And I'm glad I did.
I think I needed to see it.
Made me fully appreciate
that Mona is a lot better
for me than I realized.
Oh. Wow.
Cool.
I can't believe
I lied to her for so long.
But that's on me.
- Well, hey, that's.. that's on me, too.
- No.
You weren't cheating.
I was cheating.
Right, but what I did
wasn't great, either.
I mean, sometimes I do
things that aren't great.
No, you're good.
I know you really well, Rebecca,
and you're a good person.
Okay.
Especially, like, all
this going on, it's just...
- Yeah.
- That is actually the case.
♪♪
♪♪
"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"...
Rebecca Bunch,
I have loved you
since the moment
that I saw you
freshman year in the cafeteria.
This isn't happening.
You know what they say...
One person's blackmailing is
another person's love story.
Have you ever noticed how
when a male patient dies,
he's all like, beep...
But when a female patient dies,
she's like beep, beep, beep!
I'm so glad we're in business together.
You're so good at charts
and getting deals on stuff.
That's so sexy.
- God, Boggle.
- What? Oh...
This should never
happen again after this.
Absolutely, this is the last time.
Last time. The last time.
You're seeing someone else,
she's your girlfriend,
and I'm your "friend."
So it's possible
I may have ordered
a hit on Nathaniel's
girlfriend Mona.
But it's okay, I undid it
this morning immediately.
At least I tried to.
Hope I did.
I think I did.
I probably did.
The last few months
have meant a lot to me.
And if that's what you want,
I'll forget about everything else
and everyone else,
for you.
So, do you have to, like,
study,
everywhere we go?
I have a final. It's an ethics class.
It's hard.
Well, just copy your
ethics off someone else.
Right? Also, Rebecca,
what's up with the knitting?
Um, it's crocheting, and
she's trying to relax.
She and Nathaniel are...
Hey, yeah, so maybe
there's a better mime
we can do around someone who
survived a suicide attempt.
It's fine, yes.
Nathaniel and I are done.
Okay?
Clearly, I wasn't ready
to be in a relationship.
Also, he was seeing
someone else.
That...
always works out great.
Exactly,
it did not work out.
Which is great,
because now
I get some well-deserved
me time.
Yeah, I get some hot
Rebecca-on-Rebecca
action.
Yeah, I don't need a man.
And you know what says that?
This soon-to-be
afghan.
- I like that attitude.
- You go, girl.
- Other supportive girl thing.
- Yeah.
You know what, from now
on, my life is gonna get
an A-plus on the Bechdel test.
Well, actually,
since the Bechdel test
is a measure of how often
women talk about men,
the act of talking
about the Bechdel test
kind of technically means
you've failed the Bechdel test.
Okay, thank you,
feminism referee.
And you know
what the best thing is
about being alone,
potentially forever?
I know
what the future holds now.
The way ahead is clear,
and I know exactly
what I need to do next.
♪♪
It's an afghan.
♪♪
♪ It's come to this
like I knew it would ♪
♪ Since I'm now single for good ♪
♪ I know just what I gotta do ♪
♪ I gotta go get myself
a buttload of cats ♪
♪ A buttload of cats ♪
♪ A buttload of cats ♪
♪ Way too many cats ♪
♪ When you're a
permanent bachelorette ♪
♪ It's mandatory that
you go out and get ♪
♪ A buttload of cats ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I walk myself down to
the Lonely Lady Cat Store ♪
♪ The smell is overwhelming inside ♪
♪ This is the future
smell of my house ♪
♪ It's the smell of my
dreams that have died ♪
And cats!
♪ I walk up to the cat shelf ♪
♪ Where the cats are
labeled big and small ♪
♪ The saleslady asks,
"Is there one you like?" ♪
♪ And I state, "I'll
take them all" ♪
♪ I want a buttload of cats ♪
♪ Meow, a buttload of cats ♪
♪ Gimme a buttload of cats ♪
♪ Meow, a buttload of cats, meow ♪
Yes. ♪ The saleslady's pumped ♪
♪ She's closing early ♪
♪ And headed home to her
sad walk-up apartment ♪
♪ Filled with her
own buttload of cats ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ That she got at a discount ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ 'Cause she works
at the cat store ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Why have cats over
time become ♪
♪ Synonymous with loneliness? ♪
♪ We gotta work on
our collective image ♪
♪ We need a new publicist ♪
♪ The ironic part is
we're not that friendly ♪
♪ If you're lonely, we
might make it worse ♪
♪ Also, we sleep,
like, 16 hours a day ♪
♪ Have you considered
getting a dog? ♪
♪ Nope, I want a
buttload of you guys ♪
♪ Okay, we warned you ♪
♪ A buttload of cats ♪
♪ We're gonna ruin your couch ♪
♪ There's a lot of evidence
that ♪
♪ Organisms in cat
poop make you crazy ♪
♪ Yes, we saw that
article in The Atlantic ♪
♪ And then we peed on
The Atlantic ♪
♪♪
♪ But I still want
a buttload of cats! ♪
Oh, my God, it's so nice
to connect with someone.
I feel so much less alone
now.
Do you want to get out of here
and talk more about our cats?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh. Oh.
Hey,
where are you ladies going?
We're all supposed to be
lonely.
I like tabbies.
Oh...
Mmm... oh, yeah.
I'm digging this.
Quiet night in by myself.
I can finally hear myself think.
I can hear you think, too.
Wha... wha... wha...
Rebecca. Trent?!
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?!
♪♪
♪ I'm just a boy in love ♪
♪ La-la-la,
lovey-dove ♪
♪ I can't be held
responsible for my actions ♪
♪ Ooh, he's a male ingenue ♪
♪ I have no underlying
issues to address ♪
♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪
♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪
♪ Therefore, you
can't call him crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause when you call him crazy ♪
♪ You're just calling him in love. ♪
Blam!
*CRAZY EX- GIRLFRIEND*
Season 03 Episode 12
Episode Title: "Trent?!"
I said "Blam."
Yeah, I heard you.
So, what, you just never
heard back from Rebecca?
No.
I basically offered to
give up everything for her,
and the next thing you
know, I got this text.
And then I sent that text.
- And that was it.
- Huh.
Rebecca and I
see each other at work,
and we just act like the
whole thing... never happened.
- Yeah, that sounds healthy.
- Yeah, well...
- What's wrong, baby?
- You thirsty? Want some water?
Hey, uh, quick question,
why is it that all of my friends,
including you,
are in love with Rebecca?
Does she have
a magic vagina?
No.
She has a great one,
though.
And she does like when
I refer to it as the Sorting Hat.
Harry Potter dirty talk.
- Don't worry about it.
- Yikes.
So, uh... so what's
going on with Mona, then?
You still seeing her?
I've just been
avoiding her,
which is
ridiculous.
I keep telling her that
work is crazy.
It's not crazy.
- It's not fair to her, you know?
- Hmm.
Mona's great.
She doesn't deserve this.
Yeah, I know. It's pretty
crappy what you're doing.
Ah, there it is.
There's that famous
judginess
I've heard so much about.
I'm even getting it from
your dog down there. Hello.
That's a good boy.
Look, I know
I should move on, okay?
I just can't seem to do it.
I don't know, I guess
a part of me is hoping
that Rebecca will
come around eventually.
When will I ever get the message?
When are you gonna
get the message, Trent?
I don't want to see you.
Okay, Paula told me
it was you
that gave Josh my medical
records right before my wedding.
You almost ruined my life,
maniac!
You mean saved your life,
lover?
No. You blowing up my wedding,
uh, kind of put me on the path
- to almost killing myself, so...
- Oh, come on,
that's a reach.
I mean, take some
responsibility for your actions.
I saved you from being in a
marriage you didn't even want.
And now I'm here to claim
my prize for a job well done.
You.
What? Here to claim your prize?
It's been months.
I mean,
where the hell have you been?
Oh, you have no idea
what I've done
to fight my way back to you.
After I dropped the
documents off to Josh...
Here you go.
All I had to do was wait
for your wedding to fail.
So I rented a drone
with a camera, and I watched
as your wedding fell apart.
Victory!
Then I tracked you
to the weirdly foreboding
Covina Inn and Suites.
I knew you were alone.
All I had to do was claim
my prize, my princess.
I'm coming to rescue you,
Rebecca.
And just as I was about to
save you from your tower...
I heard the sound of a train.
You know how I feel
about clowns and trains.
Ironic, then, that I was
hit by a bus and not a train.
That was the beginning of
the worst months of my life.
Every bone in my body
was broken,
except, unfortunately,
my ear bones.
Hey, Trent, how you doing, buddy?
Oh, that's right.
You can't talk.
Ooh-hoo, my favorite kind of audience.
Would you mind hearing
some of my new stand-up set?
So, this patient comes in
with a yellowish
discoloration of the skin.
His name was Jack Nicholson.
He says, uh,
"Here's Jaundice!"
I have, like, maybe 40 more.
Can I run them by you?
I spent the next six months
of my life in terrible pain.
She's always got to go
collect the urine sample
- with all the other female patients.
- Both physically...
I used to call it the
dab ointment and lean.
And comedically.
Gynecological obstetrics!
Till one day I could no
longer take it
and I mustered all of my energy
and I broke free from my casts.
I knew Dr. Roth would have the
authorities out there looking for me.
He was developing
a one-man show,
and he needed my help.
So I stole a hog
and decided to head out to
the desert to recuperate.
I holed up
in a cave in the Mojave.
And I hung with a pack of
coyotes,
and they taught me how to howl again.
That's when
I knew that I was ready
to find my way back to you.
So I Wazed directions back
towards the Brooks Brothers
at the Desert Hills
Premium Outlets
to find myself some clothes.
I'm an outlet guy.
And I came here.
Oh, my God!
Mm-hmm.
I mean, that's the most
insane story I've ever heard.
Honestly, I'd be impressed
if I weren't so disgusted
by you as a person.
Okay, so just...
You told me your story,
now get out of here, Trent.
All right, your timing
couldn't be worse.
I am not looking for anything
right now.
I'm browsing cat websites.
I'm-I'm making a crocheted
blanket for Darryl's baby.
Why am I tell you this?
Just get out.
You leave me no choice, then.
I'm gonna have to blackmail you
into being my girlfriend again.
Yeah, buddy,
you can't blackmail me, okay?
Everyone already knows all of my top
secret personal info, thanks to you.
Oh, I have way better
info than that now.
Does Pretzel365 ring a bell?
Perhaps a handle that
you used on a little thing
we like to call
the Dark Web?
How do you know about the Dark Web?
The Dark Web is my playground,
baby.
I have a Dark Web alert
on your I.P. address.
I saw that, one night, you were trying
to take a hit out on a girl
called Mona.
I have all the info.
I printed out a hard copy
'cause hard copies just have
more gravitas. There you go.
No. No, no, no. No, no.
Oh, my God, but...
I was out of my mind on hormones,
and I undid it all the next day.
I never meant to hurt anyone.
Oh, cool. So you don't mind if
I distribute that to everyone,
and you get arrested and
disbarred and sent to prison
for solicitation of murder for hire
under federal statute 18, U.S.C. 1958?
Whee! I'm your boyfriend again.
♪♪
Mm, any update on that
Jessica Alba charity event?
I told you, we're not
getting that party.
Every event planning company
in town is pursuing it.
But you know her.
I L.A. know her.
I spun next to her,
I juiced behind her,
and one time,
I was at a gifting
suite in front of her.
That's the extent of it.
I texted her assistant, but
we're not gonna hear back.
Beth, we need a really cool party
to get a lot of attention
and raise our profile.
I mean, nothing could
possibly lower our profile.
We work... out of a
children's baseball bar.
I just want to work on classy
events with classy people.
What up, Home Base?
DJ Disc Joshy is in the house!
♪ Always ♪
Oh, God, he's terrible.
How did he even do...?
♪ Everything that I do... ♪
Hey, Valencia.
Hey, Valencia's girlfriend,
because she has girlfriends now,
and that's so cool.
Hey, Josh. Uh, you know,
you can call me Beth now.
We've met a couple times.
- See? You're so cool.
- Thank you.
Turn that thing off.
We're working.
Oh. I know you're working,
and that's exactly why I'm here.
Here to pitch to you my DJ services.
Oh, I've been deejaying
at my club, and I ran
into Monica F. from high school,
who said her little sister's
having a sweet 16 at the rec center,
and she's gonna ask
you to plan the party.
And I got your DJ right here.
Me. It's me.
I'm not doing that party.
She already asked me; I said no.
V, we can't turn down
events, any events.
We work here.
We have to buy onion rings every hour
just to keep the Wi-Fi going.
We're doing the party.
Awesome. Hire me.
- I'll do it for free.
- Great, you're hired.
Also, you're not very
good at negotiating.
Okay, fine.
But if we're doing it,
we're doing it my way, chic and elegant.
Great. As long as I pick the music.
Absolutely not.
But that's all a DJ does.
No. They also bring in
equipment and push buttons.
But can we at least do the Royal?
I've been dying for a kid's party
- to expose it to a new generation.
- The Royal?
Oh, God, don't listen to him.
Shut up about it, Josh.
Oh, the Royal is the best.
Okay. Uh, it's a dance Valencia
and I did in high school
when we were voted
homecoming queen and king.
Royal, get it?
- Oh, yeah. 'Cause of...
- I said, shut up.
Josh, no Royal,
no cheesy music; that
is not my personal brand.
Whatever you say. I... as long
as I got this gig, I'm happy.
Fine. You've got the gig.
Thank you.
Also, never touch me again.
Oh, cool. Is she still like that?
That takes me back to
when we were dating.
But you know what I'm talking
about, right, Beth?
I don't have that problem,
Josh.
Yeah. O-Okay.
Oh,
so glad we're back together.
And that was a great
19th game of Scrabble.
Um, great bingo with "quixotry."
Yeah. Triple letter score,
plus 50 bonus points... I win.
Yeah. Well played.
It's been so fun staying up
all night. Um, hey,
so could I
have my phone back now?
No. First, we have to
play Settlers of Catan
and then Ticket to Ride,
and then maybe we can talk
about you getting your phone back.
Hey, instead of board games,
how about we do something
more... immediate.
- Sex?
- No.
Uh... I would like to...
show off...
my... pookie.
Wait. Me?
I'm your pookie?
No one has ever called
me a pookie before.
This is... crazy.
Well, today's your lucky day.
I would like to take you
to my office
and show you around.
Everyone will be there
today, except for, sadly,
Nathaniel, he'll be in a meeting,
but everyone else will be there.
And you can see Paula.
I-I didn't think we'd
get here this fast.
I mean, I-I didn't expect to
get here until around month four
in our relationship,
but I knew you'd come around.
Yes.
Well, that's what's happening.
Ooh, I got you a pretty dress
for when we promenade. I'll go get it.
Great. Okay.
Say what we worked out in the car.
Uh, hi, everybody.
This is Trent, my ex.
Uh, we're now back together.
Yeah.
Is there anything else you
want to say to this room full
- of people, baby girl?
- Right. Um...
I know that I said I wanted to live
a life of quiet loneliness,
but then... Trent came back.
Um, Trent... is the love of my life.
He is
the Pyramus to my Thisbe.
Wow. That was,
that was beautiful.
- Trent.
- Hey.
So good to see you.
- Thank you.
- Look at you two.
Finally together. Will they? Won't they?
I guess they will.
So listen.
I have a gushing period,
and I need Rebecca's help for
a minute, so can you spare her?
What kind of help?
Ah, okay.
Well, you know, with me,
it's like a four-hand job.
I mean, I got to... I'm
putting in menstrual cups,
a-a tampon, maybe a pillow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just... it's really...
it's a NC-17 graphic,
so can I go with her,
um, my love?
Yes, of course. You know I think
menstruation is beautiful.
It's my favorite time of
the month to make love.
Ugh.
- ♪ Period sex, period sex. ♪
- Nope.
You don't get to sing that.
Okay. I'll be right back. Okay.
Mmm... mwah.
Oh.
- Bye.
- Hold on one second.
Yes. I'm-I'm sorry
I missed the meeting today.
I've been, um,
busy at the office.
I'll have my assistant
reschedule. Mm-hmm.
Okay, Paula, it's bad. It's really bad.
And I need your help now.
Rebecca, what is going on?
What's going on is I need your help.
Okay? And-and not Good Paula help.
I need Bad Paula help.
Right?
Not "I'm a lawyer and I want
to play by the rules now" Paula.
I need surveillance-
camera-in-the-brooch,
tracking-device-in-the-shoulder
Paula, now.
- What? Why?
- Trent is blackmailing me.
How? What does he have on you?
- I don't think you want to know.
- Why?
He just is, okay?
So I need your help.
It's nothing we haven't done before.
Okay, but...
Honey, all that scheming...
We have talked about
this... It is in the past.
I have changed.
- You have changed.
- Yes. Yes, I have,
but sometimes the past comes
back to bite you in the butt.
Oh, hey, look, if he's
threatening you with something
serious, then
let's just go to the police.
No, we can't go to the police;
that's how blackmail works.
- That's why blackmail works.
- I'm sorry,
but I want to be a lawyer,
and breaking the law
is not a good idea for me
right now.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay.
Paula, I...
I didn't want to say this.
I really didn't, but...
Trent doesn't just have dirt on me,
he has dirt on you, too.
Yeah, and it's bad stuff.
It's-it's all the stuff.
It's the surveillance,
it's the bugging,
it's the brick through
the window,
the shoulder trackers, obviously.
- Oh, my God.
- And, Paula,
I just...
you're in your second
year of law school,
and you're basically already
the best lawyer I know,
and Trent wants to take
that all away from you.
- Oh, my God.
- He could get us both in trouble.
He could get us both arrested.
So, really, I'm here because
I'm looking out for you.
I'm looking out for you and
your dreams and your family.
So all we have to do,
we just have to do,
just some teeny, teeny,
teeny, tiny things, huh?
Let's take back his power.
Let's blackmail the blackmailer.
I really don't want to do this.
Neither do I.
But we have no choice.
Both of us, right?
I guess you're right?
So come on. Hmm?
One last time.
I'll help you. It's like...
♪♪
♪ Back in action,
back on the street ♪
♪ Back in the saddle or
some other kind of seat ♪
♪ We're back in action,
getting things done ♪
♪ Getting geared up ♪
♪ For some action-based fun ♪
♪ We're like buddy cops ♪
♪ But we're not cops ♪
♪ We're buddies, for whom ♪
♪ The action never stops ♪
♪ We're both super into this ♪
♪ That much is clear ♪
♪ We're on the same page ♪
♪ We got nothin' to fear ♪
♪ So we're back in
action, back in the game ♪
♪ Back on the road,
with a little back pain ♪
♪ 'Cause we've gotten older ♪
♪ Than we used to be ♪
♪ Back when we were ♪
- ♪ Super actiony... ♪
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do we really need a
guitar solo right now?
Can we please just keep
working on the case?
Sorry. You're right.
Back to it!
♪ And now we're back in action ♪
♪ Back at it again ♪
♪ Just me and her,
two actiony friends ♪
♪ Adrenaline's pumping
in the heat of the night ♪
♪ We're back in action... ♪
- Well, all right...?
- ♪ Well, all right! ♪
Okay, so is everything okay
at the house with Trent?
I mean,
he's not making you do any...
Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
Okay. He's just sleeping at the
foot of the bed like he always does.
Ah. I got to say,
for a blackmailer,
he's decent on consent.
- Hmm.
- I did let him give me
a-a pedicure, though.
He used this amazing
vanilla foot scrub.
Anyway, we need to know
two things.
One, the name of the
foot scrub, and two,
we don't have anything
to blackmail him with yet.
I know, and I couldn't
sleep all night,
because I just kept thinking
about all the different things
that he could get us
in trouble for.
I mean,
why did I do all those things?
No, no, no. Hey.
Don't beat yourself up, okay?
We're-we're gonna get him.
Okay. You're right.
We're gonna get him.
We're gonna get him. Okay.
Okay, Trent.
Where do you go all day?
Oh. It looks like he just
turned left off of East Cameron,
and he's heading towards...
- South Cameron?
- Ooh.
I mean, that's like the
Knockturn Alley of West Covina.
It's the place in Harry
Potter where bad things happen.
You don't care. It's fine.
Okay, it looks like he's...
he's actually at the South
Cameron storage facility.
That place is shady.
Yeah, no, I've seen a bunch of cases
where coyotes use it
as-as drop-off points.
Oh, if he's mixed up with them.
Wait, he is mixed up with coyotes.
- What?
- Well, he told me all about it.
They taught him how to survive,
how to howl, how to eat lizards.
Do you think they followed him
to West Covina from the desert?
Oh, my God, that's so cute.
That's a Pixar movie.
Rebecca, do you think
smugglers eat lizards?
What are you talking about,
smugglers?
Smugglers are called "coyotes."
Oh, okay. That makes a lot more sense.
- Yeah.
- So those montage visuals
were from my point of view.
- Yeah... oh, yeah.
- He's talking about smugglers, then.
- Wait, he's talking about the...
- Oh, he's talking about the...
- Totally can use it to blackmail him.
- Wait, wait.
If he's doing illegal stuff
like-like weapons and...
- drugs.
- Drugs.
Yeah, we can use that
to neutralize him.
Oh, my God, and then
it'll all be behind us,
and we can get back to
our lives
and our families
and-and my finals.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. See?
I told you this was
just a little speed bump,
and then we can go back to
being upstanding citizens.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, make sure those
are alternating color.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm.
- Good...
- Um, e-excuse me,
Ms. Valencia?
So, what do you think, Janie?
Um, I wanted a theme.
Something like Riverdale?
Please, Janie, none of your friends
are hot enough to be on Riverdale.
And there is a theme.
It's the Jazz Age. 1920s.
Like Great Gatsby.
Ha-cha.
Okay.
So are there gonna be glow sticks, then?
Well, now you're just
trying to provoke me.
Now go put on your sequined headband
and floor-length pearl necklace.
Okay, fine.
And don't forget your ivory
cigarette holder and hip flask.
Today is your day, Janie.
Janie's loving this.
- Yeah, she seems super stoked.
- She's fine.
We're giving her a tasteful,
sophisticated, upscale event
with photos that will
help promote our business.
Oh, God knows that's
what every teenager wants.
Hey, check it out.
DJ Disc Joshy's in the house.
You look great.
I'm so hot, and it's so tight,
I can't even raise the roof... look.
See? Are you watching me do it?
I mean, how am I
supposed to do the Royal
when I can't even raise my arms?
I told you, no Royal.
Just pretend not to be a
lame townie for ten seconds.
It's so embarrassing.
Now go fire up some Lindy hop.
Kids will be here any second.
Thanking you.
Come on.
He's a nice guy.
Hey.
Thanks for coming, uh...
I have something I want to ask you.
You're only putting one
butt cheek on the chair.
That's fair. I deserve that.
Um, look, I know I've
been AWOL recently,
but work's been really busy...
I've been really busy, too.
I launched a new campaign
for one of our overseas funds,
but weirdly, my phone worked
while all that was happening.
I'm sorry.
- It's really rude.
- Yeah.
We've been together for a
while, and you just ghosted on me
for a few days.
I was stupid.
Okay? But it won't happen again.
I want to make sure
we never go a few days
without speaking to each other.
So...
why don't we move in together?
Really?
You're asking me
to move in with you
after not calling me for
three days? That's bold.
Well, I figured that, you know,
you and I have been together
- for a few months now, and...
- Okay, cool.
So, if we move in together,
that means you'll stop
sleeping with Rebecca Bunch?
What's he doing?
I don't know, I mean,
I can't see what he's doing.
Nope... is he leaving? No, wait.
Okay. Okay.
- And... scamper.
- Scamper.
- Aah!
- Oh, you all right?
Shh, shh.
Who are we hiding from?
He's gone.
- Shh!
- Okay.
An anodized steel double
bolt tri-magnetite lock?
I thought you were gonna
give me a challenge, Trent.
Do you need the bolt
cutters from the car?
Nah.
Your earring.
Mm-hmm.
Come to... Mama.
Let's get some dirt on
that turtlenecked psycho.
- Oh...
- Oh...
How did you know I was
sleeping with Rebecca?
I wasn't sure, but thank you,
now I am.
Oh-oh, God, I'm so sorry, Mona.
I-I... but it's over
between her and I, I swear.
Hey, it's fine,
I mean, for all you know,
I've been sleeping with other
people the whole time, too.
- Were you?
- No.
Got some good offers,
but I liked the guy I was seeing
and I was hoping he'd
come around.
Which is pathetic, I know.
My therapist, Dr. Akopian...
He's great, by the way...
He keeps asking me, "Why are
you waiting around for this guy?
Especially if you don't trust him?"
I'm so sorry.
I'm a jerk. Okay?
I don't know why I did that to
you, but it won't happen again.
I should have spoken up sooner.
But people like us, we
were not raised to confront.
Or be honest.
You know, we're WASPs.
Our parents treat their marriages
like business arrangements.
I don't want that.
I want something real.
Wow.
I mean, that's what I want, too.
I-I think I didn't realize
that I could have that with you.
Then you're an idiot.
Yeah.
So...
where does that leave us?
Let's just start with dinner.
I love the bacon-wrapped dates here.
Okay.
Oh, God.
What the hell?
I mean, this is so much underwear.
So much underwear.
Okay, so he's been...
He's been stalking me
since the moment we met.
- Cool.
- Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Look at...
Oh, look at all the sex
books. Lots of sex books.
Okay.
All right.
Socks right here.
Wait a second.
These are all my socks.
Every-every pair of socks I have
has one sock missing.
I have been wearing mismatched socks
ever since I got to West Covina.
Look it. Look it. How do I not...?
I always wear mismatched socks.
I look the host of a Nickelodeon show!
Honey, that's not right.
Oh! Oh, geez.
Okay, this is just all ramen.
Shrimp-flavored ramen.
I mean, even his choice of
ramen flavor is upsetting.
Hey.
Ooh. Damn, damn, damn.
Look at this, look at this. - Ooh.
This definitely has a whole
"hide my weapons and
drugs" type vibe, right?
Yes.
Although, mm,
this is not the first
time on a caper you, or I,
have thought that
someone was dealing drugs.
But this time is different.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, does it have a lock?
Or a combination?
Um, actually, no.
There's... there-there's
really no lock.
Cool. I'm going in.
Oh. You know what?
I don't think...
don't think we should open it.
Yeah, it's never drugs.
Man, I am so glad you're here
visiting Rebecca again.
Oh, my God, these
portobello puffs are so good.
Oh, the secret is clarified
butter and cayenne.
Oops. Secret's out.
I mean, I don't know what
other pregnancies are like,
but when I'm pregnant I crave your food.
Cool.
Oh, no.
Oh, baby girl, no.
I found my missing socks.
What happened?
Did you sleep with the Hulk impersonator
on Hollywood Boulevard?
There's a hot one.
No, she didn't.
It's my love test. You failed it.
You've broken my heart.
Okay, feels like you guys
have some things to work out,
so I'm just gonna take these
tasty treats to go in my room.
Trent, you booby-trapped
that trunk just for me?
Yes, I did.
I don't understand
why you don't trust me.
Trust you?
Trent, you're blackmailing me.
Our relationship is
90% based on fear and
ten percent on the hope
that you'll make that fusilli
with duck ragout again.
Why don't you love me?
What's standing in the way of that?
You.
God, you should know by
now that I'm not interested.
How would I know that?
You've encouraged my attentions
every step of the way.
You brought me here to pretend
to be your boyfriend.
You let me cook for
you and clean for you.
You took my virginity.
You've given me all these little
pieces of love along the way,
these love kernels.
Hmm.
Well, you know what?
Love kernels aren't reality.
So get over it.
You know, I thought we
were written in the stars,
Rebecca Bunch.
But I guess I was wrong.
Trent, as someone who
used to think things
were written in the
stars, take it from me,
those feelings are not real.
So blackmail me all you want.
I'm never gonna love you.
Okay.
Wow.
That was so mean.
I'll remember those words
under a veil of my own tears.
I'm gonna go.
Here. Here.
This is everything I have on you.
It's all printed e-mails so it's
mainly just a symbolic gesture,
but that's everything.
- Good-bye, baby girl.
- Get out, Trent.
Hey.
Um, are the bacon-wrapped dates ready?
Turn 'em over in five.
They'll be ready in 20.
Pookie out.
So, did you want to
turn the dates over or...
I will turn them over.
Okay, I'll just wait in my room.
Wait.
Hey, honey, what's up?
Paula, it's done.
We did it.
- Trent's gone.
- He is? Really?
- J-Just like that?
- Yeah. The whole thing was some sort of
dumb love test or something.
It's fine and he
destroyed all the evidence.
So it's over.
He's just
gonna leave us alone.
We're safe?
Oh, my God, I was so scared.
Listen, God, thank you for everything.
Oh, Paula, you're my best friend and...
Okay, all right. I got to go.
Bye, honey.
Okay. Oh.
Hey, kids.
It's time for another Charleston again.
And, uh, there are more
bacon-wrapped dates.
Eat 'em while you can before
it's the Great Depression.
Jessica Alba would love
this party, don't you think?
Oh, yeah, I... I forgot to tell you.
We didn't get it.
They went with the
winner of Teen Chopped.
Ugh, damn it. I can't believe
we didn't get that party.
- Valencia.
- What?
We already have a party.
It's right here
and it sucks.
Of course it sucks because
it's in this stupid town
- with these stupid people.
- Stop it.
That's an awful way to talk.
You're from here.
So what? You're from
a stupid, small town.
So was I before I moved to L.A.
So are a lot of people.
Don't be ashamed of
where you come from
or who you are.
He's not.
And that's what makes him ridiculous.
That's actually what makes him cool.
It might be the only
thing that makes him cool,
but, for the love of God,
embrace this party
and make it fun.
Janie deserves that.
- Hold my phone.
- Of course.
All right, kids, let's
get this party started!
♪ I know you know it ♪
♪ I can't control it ♪
♪ Call me the greatest
here in this moment ♪
♪ I know you know it,
I can't control it ♪
♪ Call me the greatest... ♪
Do you remember it?
How dare you.
You know I do.
♪ Watch me put in
work, do it so royally ♪
♪ I'm royalty, I'm royalty... ♪
Whoa. They're weirdly
incredible.
♪ So royally ♪
♪ Call me the greatest ♪
♪ Sing with the chorus ♪
♪ All hail the queen,
bow down to me... ♪
What is that dance called?
It's called the Royal.
Let's get everybody dancing.
Hey, guys, get out there.
Go dance. Come on.
Have fun.
♪ All hail the queen,
bow down to me ♪
♪ Step up on the scene
and they bow down to me ♪
And bow down, put on your crown.
Wave, wave, wave, wave.
Put on your crown. Jump, jump, jump.
Wave, wave.
♪ All hail the queen,
bow down to me ♪
♪ Step up on the scene
and they bow down to me ♪
♪ All hail the queen, I'm royalty ♪
♪ Bow down to me, bow down to me. ♪
Hey.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you.
You're a really great DJ.
Did a good job tonight.
Thank you.
And I'm also sorry that I
called you a lame townie.
I mean, I'm a townie, too,
but, I mean, I'm not lame.
But I am from this place,
I guess, and I'm okay with
my past.
Sort of.
You know, I have this movie
poster in my room that says,
"You Can't Run Away from Your
Past because It's Your Future."
It's from Space Karate II.
That's us.
I feel a strange emotion
towards you.
- Respect?
- Never.
Hey, Mama.
Hey. I just wanted to, um...
to thank you for all your help.
Uh, I'm so glad everything
worked out.
Oh. I mean, I-I can't believe
that I left myself open
to blackmail like that,
and I did all those dumb things and...
Just stop, okay? You
learned your lesson.
We both learned our lesson.
It's okay. I, uh, I just...
I wanted to say that
I'm so sorry.
Oh, why are you sorry?
I mean, it was Trent's fault.
Right, it was Trent's fault.
It was. I'm just...
I'm just glad it's over.
Yeah, me, too.
Mmm.
Oh.
- Okay, I got to... get to it.
- Okay.
Okay.
What's... going on?
Hi. Um, I decided it would be best
if you and I didn't
work in the same office,
and since you're the senior partner,
I moved in here with Darryl.
He keeps pushing me to get a bunk desk.
Oh.
So you'll be here from now on?
Yeah, I think it's best.
You've moved on, obviously.
I have?
I saw your new boyfriend...
The, um, big guy
with the... with the turtleneck?
No. Oh, my God.
Wait. You saw him?
- You saw that?
- Yeah.
And I'm glad I did.
I think I needed to see it.
Made me fully appreciate
that Mona is a lot better
for me than I realized.
Oh. Wow.
Cool.
I can't believe
I lied to her for so long.
But that's on me.
- Well, hey, that's.. that's on me, too.
- No.
You weren't cheating.
I was cheating.
Right, but what I did
wasn't great, either.
I mean, sometimes I do
things that aren't great.
No, you're good.
I know you really well, Rebecca,
and you're a good person.
Okay.
Especially, like, all
this going on, it's just...
- Yeah.
- That is actually the case.
♪♪
♪♪