Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Will Scarsdale Like Josh's Shayna Punim? - full transcript

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

This is Nathaniel Plimpton,

the new co-owner of the firm.

We're gonna start running
this place like a real business.

My father and our firm
demand nothing less.

Moved here for Josh Chan?

Of course you would do something

like give up your wonderful life

in New York to be near that...

- that loser.
- I know I hurt you,

and I don't blame you
for not trusting me,



but I promise you
it'll be different this time.

We'll start over,
do things the right way.

Rebecca, I love you.

Oh... you love me?

You mean you love something about me.

No, you.

I love you.

Oh, my God, I love you, too, Josh Chan.

Come here.

♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪

♪ La-la-la, lovey-dove ♪

♪ I can't be held responsible
for my actions ♪

♪ She's an ingenue ♪

♪ I have no underlying
issues to address ♪



♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪

♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪

♪ Therefore, you can't call her crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪

♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪

Blam!

Okay, on the count of three.

One, two, three.

In a relationship!

Oh, that's so great.
Let's post to Instagram.

Okay, #StatusUpdate
#ItsFacebookOfficial.

Rebecca, leave it to the professional.

#FromTheMountaintops
#EverAfter #DoubleRainbows

#MerrilyMerrilyMerrilyLifeIsButADream.

Okay, done. Posted.

Skyler's gonna love this photo.

Wait, my cousin Skyler?
Why is he following you?

We're going to his
bar mitzvah this weekend.

I friended practically his whole class

at Scarsdale Middle School.

Jonah Leibowitz is playing
hard to get, but I'll get him.

Oh.

You know, normally,
I wouldn't look forward

to going to a family bar mitzvah,

but now that you'll be there,

it's just gonna be
different and supes awss.

#SupesAwss, I love it.

Oh, my God, I love it, too.

Okay, #SupesAwss, let's do it. Okay.

One, two, three.

Supes awss!

You know, studies have shown

that couples who post
a lot on social media

are often insecure
about their attachment.

Heather, did you just look that up?

No, I actually started
with a hypothesis,

and then I backed it up
with a Vox article.

It's standard scientific method.

Okay, well, you're way
off because Josh and I

- just want to show the world our happiness...
- Mm-hmm.

... and maybe once they see our
happiness, it'll spread and then

- there will be no more war.
- Mm, mwah. That's right, baby.

That's how peace happens.

Yeah.

Love fixes everything.

I just don't think that's realistic.

Just shut up, Heather!

Okay? You don't know what
you're talking about.

And you know why?

♪ We'll never have problems again ♪

♪ It's only smooth, smooth
sailing from now on ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ We'll never have problems again ♪

♪ We used to have problems,
but now they're gone ♪

♪ Phew ♪

♪ Do you remember ♪

♪ Back when we had problems? ♪

♪ Oh, man, that was annoying ♪

♪ But now our love
has magically solved them ♪

♪ And there won't be any more
in our future at all... ♪

Okay, so you guys are,
like, super delusional.

Ugh, go away, Heather. Yeah, get out!

Fine, I guess I'll just
Soul Train out of here, losers.

♪ We'll never
have problems again ♪

♪ Now everyone will know
that our love is undying ♪

♪ We'll never have problems again ♪

♪ No more nights ♪

♪ Of randomly crying ♪

♪ We'll never worry about
paying the bills ♪

♪ The only money we'll need is sunset ♪

♪ If we feel like we've
run out of thrills ♪

♪ Hey, look, another sunset ♪

♪ We don't need gasoline ♪

♪ Our car will run on love ♪

♪ Elon Musk is developing
that kind of car ♪

♪ The first test failed ♪

♪ But that's 'cause
it wasn't true love ♪

♪ They say obsession
biologically lasts ♪

♪ Four years at most ♪

♪ But science doesn't apply to us ♪

♪ Some say we're all
repeating patterns ♪

♪ Taught by our parents ♪

♪ But that's just... ♪

- No.
- That's...

That's not a thing. No.
No, no, it's not. No, no.

♪ We'll never have problems again ♪

♪ No more ups and downs ♪

♪ It's just ups and ups and ups ♪

♪ We'll never have problems again ♪

♪ Our love has made
us totes invincible ♪

♪ I've been cynical most of my life ♪

♪ And everything's fallen flat ♪

♪ Now, for once, the situation's
a lot less nuanced than that ♪

♪ We're problem free ♪

♪ That's you and me ♪

♪ We're problem free ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ That's you and me ♪

♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪

♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪

♪ Live fade
out, live fade out ♪

♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪

♪ Live fade out. ♪

Live fade out, live fade out,

live fade out, live fade...

Paula, be totally honest.

Does this suit say, "Hey,
Nathaniel, I'm a lot like you,

a successful power player
who deserves respect

and at least some important
responsibilities. Hmm?"

Yeah, you know,
it says something more like,

"Irregular, 30% off, The Suit Barn."

Maybe not that honest.

No, doofus.

It's what it says on your tag.

Oh! Oh, oh.

- Good call.
- Yeah.

Are there any more?

Yeah, no, you're...

you're... great.

Hey, there.

Wow, you have the most
intense look on your face.

I'm excited for your other
looks, whenever those get going.

Wow, so you found, uh,
Rebecca's, uh, treadmill desk.

Yes. Took maintenance a while
to get out the hot dog smell.

Well, you know Rebecca.

She loves to jog and dog.

Darryl, what can I do for you?

The question is: What can I do for you?

Because I get it.

You're now the number
one; I'm the number two,

dangling under you, ready to drop in,

make a splash.

Darryl, stop.

So you're not craving a number two?

There's no rumblings for a deuce?

No.

Cool, cool. Well, I'm not gonna push it.

I'm just gonna go back one out.

I mean... I'm just gonna back out.

Uh-oh.

You're not even separating out

the buttered-popcorn-flavored ones.

Didn't go well, huh?

What? No, it went great.

Yeah, I mean, he doesn't
have a lot for me now,

but I know he will soon.

Absolutely.

I mean, it's all gonna change
once he gets that big client.

That what? What client?

You know, that huge
client that he used to rep

in the L.A. office, and
his dad said he could

also represent them here.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The-the big client. To...

I thought you said, "The pig client."

You don't know about them?

The pork processing place out in Duarte?

Oh, you got to check that out.

But you said "the big client."

That's the one... that's the
one that has the weird name

that's... it's hard to pronounce.

How do you, how do you say it?

Just off the top of your head.

Say it. Just say it.

Peterson Car Sales?

Mm, close, but it's actually Petterson.

It's Petterson Car Sales.

Yeah, that's it.

Correct pronunciation.

Anyway, over and out.

I got a lot of work to do.

Oh... you found my old hot dog cooker.

Pop the cover off,

set it to 3.4 MPH,

slide some Ball Park
fatties on those rollers,

it cooks up real nice.

Oh.

Yeah... what are you doing to yourself?

High interval impact training.

It's intense periodic exertion,

which activates your fight or flight.

It's not a real workout

unless your body is convinced

it's being chased by a lion.

Mm, that sounds factual.

So, listen, I wanted to let you know

I'm heading out a little early today.

I have some unused vacation days,

and you can fact-check that with Karen.

Okay, where you going?

You and Flip Flop going
on a romantic weekend

at a Sandals Resort?

Sandals, that was really good.

It's a little sad no one
else was around to hear that.

I don't know, I might
say it again later.

Seriously, where are you going?

We are going to a family bar mitzvah.

So, he is going to meet
the entire Garfinkel clan.

That's my mom's side of the family.

It will be wonderful.

All right. If you say so.

I do say so, because he
is the man of my dreams.

You know you say that a lot?

I've never heard
anyone else use the term

"man of my dreams" before you.

Sounds like something a
super secure person says.

Uh, well... you don't know
us, and you don't know me,

and you don't know us, so...

Well, you are gonna miss
something great around here.

My father is just about
to give us a huge client.

Massive. Just waiting for
the final go-ahead from him.

So, go have fun.

I'll be here, being awesome.

Oh, hey, on your way out, can you just

give me a roar?

Like a loud, fast roar.

Doesn't have to be a lion.

It can be like a howler
monkey or something like that.

Anything, really. Just a predator.

A land-based predator
would be... never mind.

Have a great weekend.

It's a family event; that's a big step.

Yeah.

Almost as big as when you announced

your relationship status on Waze,

which I didn't even know was a thing.

Well, when it feels this great,
you want everyone to know.

Everyone?

Thank you for texting me back.

I, um, used up my data plan

sending you sad Bitmojis
and Golden Girls GIFs.

JIFs? Is it GIFs or JIF... Never mind.

It's not your job to tell me.

Yeah, uh, I had to take a few days

once I heard about you and Josh.

I wanted to make sure you're okay.

It's not my favorite thing,
you guys being a couple...

but I'm okay.

And are we okay?

The answer doesn't have to be yes.

Good, because the answer is "eh."

Totally get it.

But don't worry about me, really.

If you need to worry about
someone, worry about yourself.

Me, why?

Don't you see that Josh is, like,

all over the place and lost?

But that was before.

And I saw from the post
you shared on OpenTable

that you're taking him
home to see your family.

I know your relationship with
your mom is kind of tough.

Yeah, but now I have Josh, so,
you know, it won't bother me.

Love protects you.

So, the things

that used to annoy me about going home

- won't annoy me anymore.
- Hmm.

You know? Josh is like a blankie,

a suit of armor or a bulletproof vest.

Honey, just because Josh
Chan owns all those things

doesn't mean he is all those things.

He's not magic.

It's like magic, FB, when
Rebecca and I are together.

Yeah, I read about it on
your post on Draw Something.

Oh, shh, shh.

Nope.

Sorry, go on.

This family weekend is really important,

and I don't want to screw it up.

You know Rebecca's
mother doesn't like me.

At parents' weekend at camp,

she asked me if I had
pierced her daughter's hymen.

A-And I told her, "No,
Rebecca showed up to camp

with those earrings."

Wow.

What if people don't like me?
What if I say the wrong thing?

What if an old person calls me Oriental?

Look, Josh, I'm a man of God

and I try to believe
the best about everyone,

but if you think you're gonna
make it through a whole weekend

with a bunch of 70-year-olds
and not get called an Oriental,

you're out of your ever-loving mind.

Oh!

Nope.

But, Father Brah, I've been bouncing

from girl to girl all year.

I've told everyone in my life,

including my followers on Moviefone,

that Rebecca and I are the real deal.

This relationship has to work out.

It just has to.

Because it's the main thing
going on in your life right now?

Yeah, kind of.

Josh, do you think
you're defining yourself

through your relationship?

You define yourself by
your relationship to Jesus.

Wow, you got me there, man.

Where are you, you little minx?

Brah, I didn't know you
were into bird-watching.

Oh, no, I'm not. I, uh, stashed
my weed in one of these trees.

Oh.

Yeah, there it is.

Okay, so, if my mom asks, you
have no opinion on politics,

I've been using the
bath salts she sent me,

and the Garfinkel ring is
in the safe deposit box.

What's the Garfinkel ring?

It's a long story; I'll tell you later.

Okay, this is gonna be great.

Because, with you here, I'll be calm.

I love you.

I love you, too.

It's gonna be great.

Oh.

I forgot you were bringing the Oriental.

Mom!

Would you, would you
please put on a robe?

I just moisturized.

It has to soak in for an hour
or I'm wasting the La Mer.

La Mer's for your face.

I know it's for my face, but for once

I'm splurging on myself!

I got you this Hollywood
sign magnet from the airport.

- What's with the hair?
- Are you gonna say thank you?

Looks stringy. I mean, I
know that that's the fashion,

but you look like a wet rescue dog.

Okay, you know what? Maybe we
should just stay at a hotel.

- We don't have to stay here.
- Oh, please, don't be so dramatic.

You came all this way

to see your facacta cousin
fumble through his haftarah.

And, Becky, do you know what
Torah portion they gave Skyler?

What?

The one with the
menstruation and the lepers.

The one that Cousin Stuey got.

When he talked about his sister's Kotex.

Uh...

Are you guys not mad
at each other anymore?

- No.
- Mad? Who's mad?

Is he yelling at me?

No. I'm the one who should be mad

with this hunk of plastic
cluttering up my house.

What, you couldn't find a See's Candy

walking through the airport?

I'm sorry, are you talking to me now?

- I'm so confused.
- No.

You're confused? I've been confused

ever since this one
popped out of my vagina.

Oh, my God, Mom, do not
talk about your vagina.

Why? It's perfectly good.

I have had some fabulous reviews lately.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, stop it!

- Oh...
- All right, listen up,

I'm on a grapefruit diet, but for you,

I put some whitefish
salad in the refrigerator.

Becca sometimes likes to eat
in the middle of the night,

and that's why her weight fluctuates.

Okay, no, one time, one time,

one time, yes, I ate
a whole marble halvah.

That was the night my father left.

It was my party and I was hungry.

You hear the drama?

"It was my party, I was hungry,

and my father abandoned me."

Like we all didn't see that coming.

Good night.

Mom!

Got to moisturize the rest of me.

What are you working on, Tim?

Uh, nothing.

I'm sorry.

Wait, weren't you fired, Jordan?

It's... it is George.

And, uh, Nathaniel hired me back

'cause I guess you're shorthanded

and the firm has so much work to do.

Oh, right, yes, that's right.

I do remember that now
because that was my idea.

Hey, look at this busy bee.

How's it going, M-Dog?

Oh, pretty good, D-Money.

Hey, I have to cancel Shirley
Temples and karaoke tonight.

I'm so slammed.

What?

Well, I can help...

Sorry, I was specifically told

not to let you touch any of the work.

What do you mean?

Wait, what's going on?

- No... told that by whom?
- Heads up, folks.

I was just into the briefs
for the Peterson case.

It's Petterson.

It's not. It isn't.

And so sad to say that they're
gonna need a major overhaul.

Reason? They're garbage.

I cannot show these to
my father, all right?

If he's gonna give us this client,

we need to step up our game.

Our work needs to be

Ivy League, and right
now, it's Arizona State.

Go, Sun Devils!

So, we'll all be working on Saturday.

Aw!

Oh, now you moan.

I can't work on Saturday; I
got the kids alone all day.

I'm supposed to do an escape
room with my college roommate.

Some of you may know her, Zosia Mamet?

My adult ceramics class
is finally gonna glaze.

- Look, I hear you, Jer.
- Wow!

It's George. I literally have
the easiest name in the world.

Guys, don't worry. I can handle this.

I still matter here.

My name's still on the wall.

I am not an emasculated sock puppet!

What? No one called you that.

Where did you even come up with that?

No one said that under their breath?

I'm pretty sure I heard that,

'cause I would not just think that.

We are not working Saturday.

Watch-watch this, guys.

Watch...

this.

No.

He said he'll think about it
while we're working on Saturday.

Don't cry, don't cry, you
emasculated sock puppet.

God, who said that to me?

Wait.

Where's all the candy?

Um, Jim?

Do you knew where the good snacks are?

Why do we have "pepitas"?

ÿQue es "pepitas"?

Nathaniel made us throw out the candy.

He what?

Yeah, he said it was disgusting

and impacts productivity and
it's a tumor waiting to happen.

I'm sorry we have to sleep on the sofa.

My mom uses my room to hoard

old issues of Marie Claire magazine.

Oh, she's nuts.

Are you okay? Is this okay?

I'm fine.

Are you?

I mean, she seems to rattle you.

Yeah, you know, normally she would,

but you're here, so it's helping.

Don't touch the air conditioning!

I sweat like a pig!

It's like the frozen tundra in here!

Whoa.

I'm sor... I'm sorry.

Um, it's just, uh,

this place has a slight
negative energy for me.

Yeah, yeah, bad stuff has happened.

Like, you see that end table?

I used to hide under
it when I was little

and compulsively scratch
grooves into the inside leg.

Yeah. I was a strong, feral little girl.

That sounds terrible.

Yep.

Yep, wasn't great. Was not great.

But now we can make good memories.

You know, we can pave over
the pain and the suffering.

I want to do that for you.
I want to help you with that.

Oh, you're the sweetest.

Uh, your mom is right upstairs, Becks.

Oh, no, no, no, she sleeps like a rock.

Yeah, glass of wine, sleeping pill,

Billy Crystal's autobiography
splayed across her chest.

Boom, down for the count.

Now, come on.

I am ready to turn my
childhood trauma into a kink.

I don't know.

I was afraid that you might run out,

so I looked and I found some
extra whitefish in the freezer,

but I don't know how to thaw this thing.

Oh, please, don't stop on my account.

Go ahead, get back in there.

Get back in there.

I've seen worse from this one.

I will never forget that
crime scene I walked in on

between you and Isaac
Berger of the Model UN.

They were having...

♪ Period sex, period sex ♪

♪ Put down a towel... ♪

Mom! Oh, my God!

Just stop ruining this
like you ruin everything!

Hey, don't yell at me
in front of the Oriental.

They're a very peaceful people.

Oh, my God, you are so offensive.

Okay, y-you know what, Mrs. Bunch?

L-Let me help thaw the fish.

I'm really good at it.

My mom buys fish sticks in bulk.

Why don't you and I go into the kitchen?

Finally someone who's actually

offering to help out around here.

Finally someone is
not completely selfish.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm selfish.

I mean, when those fish
sticks come out of the oven...

Come on, then. Put your
pickle in your pants,

and let's thaw some fish.

I got this.

Get some sleep, okay?

Just... be careful.

I love you.

I love you.

What a great job.

The way you flipped it over
after you soaked it in the eggs.

- Oh.
- I was very impressed.

Ah...

Mm, mm. What's going on?

Oh, your mom taught me how
to make "holla" French toast.

No, no, no, "challah," Josh.

Ch, ch, ch.

Ch, ch. Holla, holla, holl...

I got to keep working on it.

You're gonna get it, bubbeleh.

- You're gonna get it.
- Mm.

He's never gonna get it.

Why would he? He's a Pacific Islander.

Wow, what happened to
calling him an Oriental?

Rebecca, that term is
considered antiquated,

Euro-centric and inherently xenophobic.

Yeah, we Googled it.

I knew it was racist,
I just didn't know why.

So get woke, Becks.

- Oh! Yeah!
- Yay!

I love this woman!

He's adorable. He's adorable.

- He's so adorable.
- I love her.

Joshua, as soon as
they open the stations,

we better be first in
line, because rumor has it

that Ellen has only sprung
for a one-hour buffet.

Can you believe that?

I can't.

Well, she's having money troubles.

And her mother has cancer,

and the youngest daughter
wants to be a man,

and the husband is having
an affair with a goy.

- Oh, my God.
- Sorry.

No offense.

No. No.

You don't have to laugh at
that; that's very offensive.

Oh, Becca.

Excuse me, I'm gonna
go get some dumplings.

My blood sugar, it's in the toilet,

which is where those
dumplings are gonna be.

Eventually.

Well, they sit there like rocks.

Listen, I appreciate you
trying to win her over,

but you don't have to keep
pretending to like her.

Oh, I'm not pretending. I do like her.

In my family, we don't talk about poop.

I had to learn about it by
watching an episode of 90210.

She's awesome.

Okay.

Ooh! Um, should we take a selfie
with our matching little hats?

#HebrewBeaniesForLife!

Uh, no, they're called kippahs.

Oh, okay, so #KippahingItReal!

Um, no, you just do
it. I'm not... sorry.

I'm not feeling it.

Why you in a bad mood, Becks?

Just because, I don't know, I mean...

Rebecca!

Welcome back.

Hello, Rabbi Shari.

How are you, my darling?

How is California?

Have you found a temple out there yet?

Well, I don't believe in God, so no,

it didn't make my to-do list.

Always questioning.

That is the true spirit
of the Jewish people.

Very good.

She seems nice.

She's not nice, she's a programmed robot

who's trying to incept
God into me all the time.

Whoa. I didn't know that,
and I know a ton about robots.

I know.

I know, it's just you see
the good in everything,

which is just so, so sweet, so...

So... Oh, no. Oh, boy.

- Wait, what is it?
- Look who it is.

Well, well, well.

Rebecca Nora Bunch.

Audra Esther Levine.

Joshua Felix Chan.

This is my husband, David.

Yes. Hi, we've met.

How you doing, Rebecca?

You guys know each other?

Yep.

Finished quick, rotten lay.

We both heard that!

Rebecca, hey, come on.

That's not nice.

Nice to meet you, man. I'm Josh.

And, hey, you know what they say.

It's not how long you last,

it's how big your penis is.

Ah!

Well...

I see you two have really been

hitting the social media hard.

You know you don't have
to post every photo, right?

So funny that you say that, because

I seem to remember
your engagement photos

clogging up my feed for weeks.

I mean, it is so crazy

that a photographer happened to be there

when David gave you that ring

on that turn-of-the-century
Ferris wheel.

At least I'm married and
not living in California,

- having a nervous breakdown.
- Oh.

Right, hey, remember when
I had sex with your husband?

Yeah, as he finished,
he called me "Mom."

Have fun unpacking that. Mazel tov.

Hey, Josh!

David!

His solo's coming up!

This guy is the best!

Turns out we both love
Dave Matthews Band!

We should all go skiing in Mammoth!

- Totally.
- This December?

Done!

- Yes!
- Yes!

You're still a bitch.

So are you.

Ah, it's not as fun now.

No, it's not.

Paula!

Paula!

Shh!

Skittle me this:

What is a way to get back
at a sugar dictator, hmm?

You're-you're freaking
me out a little bit.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, you know what? I'm
starting to think that maybe

this whole thing is not
actually about candy.

You're right! It's about freedom.

Oh, God, Darryl, would you get real?

You regret selling the firm
to Nathaniel, which you should.

It was a dumb move and he's a jerk.

But you did it, and now
you got to live with it.

Seriously, you got to calm down.

Your eyes are just... They're vibrating.

Do you have any aspirin?

And bam, that's how you
do selfies, you guys.

That's masterful work right there.

Hi. Cousin Rifka, thank you. Hi.

Hey, there you are.
You want to do a photo?

You want a boa? An old-timey hat?

A mustache stick?

I'm... I'm really good.

But they will tweet, Facebook, Instagram

and Snapchat your photo automatically.

Josh, I can't do this anymore.

What do you mean?

It's just, you're not supposed
to be having this much fun.

Come... well, uh, I thought you
wanted me to pave things over.

I know. I know I said that,
but what I... I don't know...

What I think I wanted was just
for you and I to sit in a corner

and laugh about how miserable
and terrible everyone is.

But they're not miserable. They're...

having fun.

No, they're not having fun.
They don't know how to have fun.

Okay, listen, you don't understand.

Okay, you are, forgive me, a
non-Jew from the West Coast.

Let me explain how it goes.

East Coast: dark, sad.

West Coast: light, happy.

All right, these people...

They don't understand
what fun is. Trust me.

All right, everyone,

in honor of the bar
mitzvah boy, a horah!

Yeah, b-but it looks like

they're about to do
some kind of fun dance.

Case in point, perfect example.

Okay, do you remember the ceremony?

They made a 13-year-old
boy say the Kaddish.

That's a prayer for the dead.

Okay, people like us only
know how to be miserable.

What do you mean?

No, listen, Josh.

It sounds like one
thing, but means another.

♪ Now it's time to celebrate ♪

♪ Grab a drink and fix a plate ♪

♪ But before you feel too great ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered ♪

♪ Nights like these are
filled with glee ♪

♪ Noshing, dancing, singing ♪

♪ Whee! But we sing in a minor key ♪

♪ To remember that we suffered ♪

♪ Being happy is selfish ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered ♪

♪ You have no idea what pain is ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered, hey! ♪

♪ I mean, would it be such a crime ♪

♪ For the Beastie Boys or Haim ♪

♪ To mention in their songs one time ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered? ♪

♪ I don't want to bring
up the Holocaust ♪

♪ I know, I know, the Holocaust ♪

♪ But the Holocaust was
a really big deal ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered ♪

♪ This DJ is terrific ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered ♪

My grandma is a survivor.

♪ Remember that she suffered ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ The sweet and the bitter ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered ♪

♪ Streisand and Hitler ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered ♪

♪ Spielberg and Hitler ♪

♪ Remember that we suffered ♪

♪ Have me mentioned Hitler? ♪

♪ I'm just saying that we suffered ♪

- When I say "we," you say "suffered."
- We!

- Suffered!
- We!

- Suffered!
- I can't hear you!

♪ Remember that we suffered ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Okay, so, huh? See what I mean?

I don't know, Rebecca.

It seems like the only person
who's miserable here is you.

What the hell?

- Darryl?
- Hmm?

I can see you. There's slats here.

Have you ever hidden before?
Do you know what hiding is?

If you stocked this cabinet

with candy when you
knew I had it removed,

that's gonna be a very
big problem for us.

Hmm?

Tell me you didn't do this, Darryl.

Tell me the truth.

You want to know the truth?

Oh, I'll tell you truth. The truth is...

I did it!

It was me.

I got the Snickers.

And I got the Skittles.

I got the Milk Duds.

I got the Toblerone.

And I brought gummy vitamins.

You... can take our candy...

but you can never...

take our candy!

What do you have to say to that?

Well, I say you're all
a bunch of children.

Now go back to work!

Got it.

Rebecca.

What are you doing sitting by yourself?

Are you not having fun?

No, I'm not having fun.

My boyfriend is, though.

Yeah, yeah, he's making
everyone really happy.

He loves it here.

And that's not what you wanted?

No!

I wanted him to see
how unhappy evy ything makes me

and that I'm right and that
everyone here is miserable.

Why is everyone here miserable?

Um, I don't know, maybe
because Jewish people's DNA

is literally imprinted
with our past trauma.

It's something called
epigenetics; look it up.

Hey, don't be condescending.

You think you're the only person
who reads Tablet Magazine

on Twitter?

Rebecca,

a people is not responsible
for your life, you are.

Maybe.

I don't know, I just...

I hate it here, I hate all this stuff.

Ah, well, this stuff, this
town, these people...

They're you.

And if you hate that
stuff, you hate yourself.

Oy, here you go.

And if you hate yourself,

it doesn't matter how
great your boyfriend is,

you'll always be unhappy.

But I thought that
when you loved someone,

it just fixed everything
and made your life great.

That's... that's a lot
to put on a human being.

Yeah, but he's not a human
being, he's Josh Chan.

When we were kids, he
made me feel so happy.

And... I guess I just thought

that if I could get back to that place,

that my life would magically be okay.

That's not love, my dear.
It's fantasy. It's not real.

Um, your father's on line one.

Close the door.

Pops! Papa!

Papa Doodle Doo. What's the word?

We're all gearing up to
get going on Peterson,

so once we lock them in, we
can hit the ground running.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, yep, yep, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so that's a no.

That's fine. I hear you. Yeah.

I know. You got to earn it.
Nothing gets handed to you.

I love that. That's how we do.

"Once you stop improving,
you start losing."

I know. I hear you,
sir. I love that saying.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Bye-bye.

That's it, I've had it.
I can't take it anymore.

I'm responsible for that
jerk being in our office,

so I should be the
one to stand up to him.

What's going on?

Got to burn the calories.

Got to work hard.

I had a brief lapse of
judgment with that stupid candy!

But it's okay. I'll just burn it off.

I got to burn the mistakes.
I mean, burn the calories.

Always improving, never a loser.
Always improving, never a loser.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute! I
don't think that's safe! Oh, oh!

Oh!

Nathaniel, are you okay?

I'm so sad.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

They gave me a temporary tooth.

I'm sorry you had to see that, Darryl.

That was not professional.

You know, it's okay to be upset.

Noit's not. It's weak.

Does this have something
to do with your dad?

Did he not give you the account?

Oh.

You know, my dad is a real jerk, too.

Oh. He used to yell at me all the time.

He used to call me an
emasculated sock puppet.

Oh. That's where that's from.

I'm gonna bury that again.

Hold on.

Done.

Ha!

Hey, you know what?

You're doing really well, Nathaniel.

No, I see how hard you
work, how talented you are,

how little food you eat.

You're a very disciplined young man,

and you don't need your
dad to tell you that.

You have to know that for yourself.

I've been kind of a jerk to you, Darryl.

And I'm gonna pay

to have the tooth blood
cleaned out of your car.

Well, thank you.

You're a good kid.

Apology accepted.

Well, I didn't apologize.

Well, you kind of did.

I mean, basically you did.

Nope. Never happened.

Babe, I'm sorry things didn't
work out the way you wanted.

I was trying really hard,
but I feel like you wanted

something from me and
I didn't give it to you.

No, you were fine.
It's-it's honestly all fine.

Let's just go home.

Are you mad at me?

No. No, not mad. I just
don't want to talk about it.

Um... left something in the bathroom.

I got to go. I'll be right back.

Ooh. End of trip selfie?

#ShalomMeansBothHelloAndGoodbye.

No. I'm-I'm good, thanks.

I'm gonna wrap this lox up

so you have something
to eat on the plane.

Now, I know it may not be enough,

but those nitwits at the deli
were running short, and I...

Josh.

- Huh? What?
- What... ?

What's wrong?

Ah, it's just...

Rebecca seems like she's mad at me.

And I wanted this weekend

to bring us together, but it
feels like she's pulling away.

And you have no idea how much
this relationship means to me.

I told everyone about it.

It can't fall apart now.

Well, it won't.

Because I won't let that happen.

You won't?

No. I actually think you and Rebecca

are pretty wonderful together.

You soften some of her
sharp edges, thank God.

Wow. Thanks, Naomi.

That's nice of you to say.

But what do I do now?

Joshua, I am your Jewish mother now,

and there are two things
I will always have:

indigestion and all the answers.

So just listen to me,
and do exactly as I say.

You know what?

I do eat a bit too much candy.

My liver's basically 40%
high fructose corn syrup.

Well, good choice.

You know, I was thinking, Darryl.

I'm so slammed, maybe you would like

to take over the Crestfield account?

The wh?

That's... that's, like,
our biggest client.

Yeah. And I need a copilot.

Copilot Darryl C. Whitefeather
reporting for duty, sir...

Maya?

Would you please get that?
I'm very busy.

Got a ton of work to do.

Your office is that way.

I don't know.

I've been giving it a lot of thought.

And maybe Rabbi Shari's right.

About me not loving myself.

You know, maybe there's...

there's something else
at the core of my unhappiness

that-that I didn't realize.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Well, she said that I
wouldn't find my answers

in another person, and...

I don't know, that's starting
to make a lot of sense.

Go on.

Well... I moved to West
Covina 'cause I thought

my problems would be solved by a boy.

Now I'm with that boy,

and I still have the same problems.

So...

I don't know, maybe
it's something else.

And... if he is not the answer,

what could it be about?

It could be...

my own issues.

Oh...

Oh. What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just...

I'm so...

happy.

Oh.

Could you stay a little longer today?

Candace!

Cancel my next five appointments.

Rebecca,

do you think that you're
finally really ready

to confront your issues?

I think... I think maybe...

Yes. Yes, I am.

What's that noise?

Uh, nothing. It doesn't matter.
You were saying?

You can't be happy in life until
you're happy with yourself?

Yes.

But figuring out what that is,
being happy with myself,

that's a hard and scary road

that I don't know if I want to go down.

What is that noise?

S-stay with me. Come on.

Stay with me.

So maybe...

maybe I need to just take
some time on my own...

... to figure...

Josh?

What are you doing here?

The Garfinkel ring.

But how did you... ?

You told me you pawned it, so I went

to the pawn shop on East Cameron...

Rebecca, stay with me.
You're working on yourself.

You're taking time out to be alone.

Oh, my God, you remembered
me saying that.

This is... so romantic.

Oh. No!

No.

No! No!

Oh, my God.

This is like a fairy tale.

This is everything I've ever wanted.

Get up, Josh. Get up.

Get up, Josh!

Rebecca Nora Bunch,

will...

No.

... you...

Wait!

... marry...

Please!

... me?

Yes!

No!

Oh!

So you live in Los Angeles?

Basically.

Do you know Jeremy Stein?

No.

You know Josh Berger?

No.

- You know Sam Goldberg?
- Nope.

- Do you know Sammy Goldberg?
- No.

- Did you go to Camp Nock-A-Mixon?
- No.

Did you go to Camp Winadu?

No.

Have you ever met a Jew before Rebecca?

No.

Yeah. Probably should've
started with that question.

I love Adam Sandler.

Me, too.