Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Josh Is the Man of My Dreams, Right? - full transcript

- Previously on Crazy
Ex-Girlfriend... - Oh, my God,

this is everything I've ever wanted.

Will... you...

Wait!

... marry...

Please!

... me?

Yes!

No!

I had sex with Tanya.

I promise it will never happen again.



You don't live here anymore.

PAULA: You have been

- such a great friend.
- Like a best friend.

You can say it. Just say it. Please?

DARRYL: This is Nathaniel
Plimpton, the new owner

of the firm.

What's that guy's name?

- Glenn?
- Gene.

It's George.

It's weird how good-looking he is.

You are everything I moved
across country to get away from.

You're the one who put
this place on our radar.

It's your fault that I'm here.

Yay for me.



♪ ♪

Oh.

Gosh.

What was that?

Didn't you read the forecast?

The Santa Ana winds are coming.

The Devil Winds. Oh, I hate them.

They ruin my eyelash extensions.

I have eyelash-specific
alopecia; you know that.

Karen, we are talking about

something important over here, okay?

Just focus...

on my ring!

Look at my ring, guys! (squeals happily)

I have a ring! A ring! See?

Uh, see?

Uh, see?

Uh, see?

It's a priceless family heirloom.

He didn't buy you a ring?

Yeah, he did buy it for
me; he bought it back

from the pawn shop that I sold it to,

which is so sweet, 'cause he
knew how much it meant to me.

Well, I mean, if it
meant that much to you,

you probably wouldn't have pawned it.

(muffled mumble) Shh.

Look how good my ring
looks on someone's face.

♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪

♪ La-la-la,
lovey-dove ♪

♪ I can't be held
responsible for my actions ♪

♪ She's an ingenue ♪

♪ I have no underlying
issues to address ♪

♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪

♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪

♪ Therefore, you
can't call her crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪

♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪

Blam!

I mean, you guys got engaged so fast.

But I think

- if you know, why wait, right?
- Exactly.

Maybe because making a
permanent commitment to someone

is not to be taken lightly.

Wow, so this is our thing now;
you just say insulting things

in a calm voice, and I'm
supposed to take it. Awesome.

To be fair, Mrs. H, Josh and Rebecca

have known each other
since they were 16,

and they've been through
a lot this last year, so...

Thank you, Matron of Honor.

See, that's how you read a room.

Don't condescend to me, little girl.

(mocking gibberish)

Listen, guys,

I know it seems like the
proposal came very quickly,

but we haven't even set a date yet.

Good for you.

You know, I have been engaged
to someone for 12 years.

Yeah,

he's doing a life sentence

in San Quentin, so...

NATHANIEL: What is going on in here?

Are you guys trying to decide

if a dead spider's a black widow again?

That was a productive
Wednesday afternoon.

Hello,
"Nathan-ay-El."

How are you? What's new with you?

I don't care. I just got "en-gahged"!

Is that why you look halfway decent?

'Cause usually you look like

what librarians look like in real life.

Thank you. I loved Miss
Patty and her squishy tummy.

Well, condolences on the engagement.

Shackled to one person for eternity.

So boring.

The pursuit is the fun.

We're hunters by nature.

When I'm chasing a
client, I'm on them 24/7.

But once I sign them, it's like,

(chuckles) "Quit
calling me all the time.

Nobody likes a needy whore."

Who wants to talk budgets?

Ah. This must be such a romantic time

for you and Josh.

I bet you're just...

doing it all the time now,
like newly engaged bunnies.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's kind of
hard to walk most days.

(gasps) Oh, yeah.

Feels like the carrot's
still in the dip,

if you know what I'm saying.

(chuckles): Yeah.

Ew. But yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

So every time Josh touches you,

it's like total goose bumps, right?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

He, like... kisses my neck,

and it's totally goose bump city.

Like, my skin looks
like a cold, raw chicken.

(moans) Oh, I remember that

with Scott... once upon a time.

Yeah, what's going on with you guys?

You know, I mean, we're
barely talking, and...

we just exchange the children
like political prisoners

at a militarized border, but...

I find myself,

sometimes, looking at old photos of us

and... getting teary missing him,

like a pathetic loser.

Have you thought about calling
him and telling him that?

No!

He cheated on me.

He cheat... and I, you
know, I have my pride.

I don't want people
thinking I'm a doormat.

No one would think that.

(chuckles)

Whatever you decide, whatever happens,

it'll work out great, because
you're smart and amazing.

Oh, thanks, babe.

(whispers): Okay.

Geez! I for one

definitely don't think you're a doormat.

Darryl, have you been
eavesdropping again?

Because we talked about that.

I wasn't eavesdropping.

I was actually listening
actively from afar.

- Wh...
- Because I care!

Look, Paula,

I also experienced a
humiliating infidelity.

I don't...

And I know what it feels like to know

that your spouse's genitals

are taking a little
stroll around the block.

But I can be a good
sounding board for you.

Can help you feel better.

No, thanks.

You just made me feel worse and...

a little nauseous, so...

I can do better.

There must be some sort of light
to get this thing to sparkle.

Huh. It's duller than

Audra Levine's annual Yom Kippur letter.

Hey, the kids are really
excited about us getting married.

Well, they thought I was 17
at first, so they were shocked.

Becks,

I'm really grateful
to you for inspiring me

to volunteer at the church.

You know, you got way more

out of that Scarsdale
bar mitzvah than I did.

It made me realize how much I
like all that spiritual stuff.

Like basketball?

Church basketball.

- At a church.
- (chuckles) Hilarious.

Hey, come here.

Okay, check out this gorgeous
wedding venue in Malibu.

Isn't it amazing?

Hey, folks, Gavin Johnson
here with some bad news.

Looks like we still have that
pesky wind advisory in effect.

Yep, those Santa Anas are coming in,

gusting up to 35 miles
per hour. (exhales sharply)

What?

So, be careful out there.

REBECCA: Ugh. Not this. This.

If we get married here,

dig a hole next to the chuppah,

because I will literally
drop dead. (laughs)

JOSH: Wow. I mean, it's pretty great.

Isn't it? It's so beautiful,

and they film movies here.

Really?

Wait a minute.

This is where they filmed
the Catalina wine mixer

in Step Brothers, right?

I-I have no idea.

God, I love that
movie. You know, I'm in.

We should totally
have our wedding there.

Oh, my God. Um, okay, let me
check the wedding calendar.

Come on, baby, come on. Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

They are booked solid
for the next two years.

Aw, bummer.

Well, we both love it, and
we're not in a rush, right?

What's two years when we're
gonna be married forever?

Exactly. Perfect.

Okay, I will put our name
on-on the waiting list?

- Great idea.
- O-Okay. Oh.

You know what? This...

I'm so happy.

Oh, we're crushing this fiancée thing.

And now we're gonna be
"en-gahged" for two years.

Mmm.

(both moaning)

(wind whistling)

No goose bumps?

What?

Nothing.

You just said, "Huh?"

and then muttered something?

No, I didn't.

Hey, just kiss this part of my neck?

Just kiss the part of my neck. Yeah.

Yeah? Okay. Try the clavicle.

- This is the... ?
- lt's this.

- The bone. Okay.
- Just anywhere there.

- Décolletage. Yeah.
- (moaning)

- Yeah.
- ls that what you want?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's totally hot.

Lobes. Just go up to
the lobes. Try the lobes.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

I'm in a weird mood today.

Um... I apologize. I don't know...

I don't know what's wrong with me.

(chuckles): Wait,
wait, d-don't be sorry.

It's probably just the weather.

But we don't have weather here.

We have the Santa Ana winds.

Just like that weatherman
said. They're the worst.

They give me bad allergies.

And people act weird during them, too.

They call them the Devil Winds.

- Devil Winds?
- Yeah.

The Devil Winds.

(wind whistling)

♪ ♪

Devil Winds.

(horn beeps)

♪ Whee ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Whee ♪

♪ Hello there, it's me ♪

♪ I'm the Santa Ana winds ♪

♪ I cause allergies ♪

♪ I also make things weird ♪

♪ A little bit about me ♪

♪ I'm a hot, hot breeze ♪

♪ That originates from
high-pressure air masses ♪

♪ Technically, I'm known ♪

♪ As a katabatic wind ♪

♪ That's science for
"a pain in your asses" ♪

♪ I'm mystical but also
carry dangerous spores ♪

♪ I bring whimsy and forest fires ♪

♪ When I blow, there's
magic in the air ♪

♪ And a higher risk of suicide ♪

♪ I make children wheeze ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the Santa Ana winds ♪

♪ To reiterate, I
make things weird ♪

♪ When I blow, it
sounds like "whee!" ♪

(wind whistling)

♪ I'll be back ♪

♪ Because I'm the wind ♪

♪ And also kind of a narrator. ♪

(people clamoring, horns honking)

NATHANIEL: Okay, next order of business.

I've been talking to
some potential clients

out of Brentwood who'd like to
expand their businesses east...

KAREN: Hold on

to your panties; look at those winds.

They're here.

The Devil Winds are here.

Can we all please try
to get through a meeting

without actively being embarrassing?

Is that too much to ask? Karen?

(Rebecca shrieks)

(grunts)

(wind howling)

(gasps)

Whoa! Whoa!

Wow! Those are beauts!

Okay, all right.

Just, just, just, just...

Ha, ha. Ha, ha. Okay.

All right, show's over.

Nothing to see here.

(clears throat)

Goose bumps.

(sniffles, clears throat)

Okay, Josh, I need you to
give me goose bumps right now.

♪ ♪

Damn you, winds of the devil.

♪ Hey, it's me again ♪

♪ I'm the Santa Ana winds ♪

♪ Here's some magic dust ♪

♪ Which will make things weird. ♪

(blows)

(magical tinkling)

(magical tinkling)

(groans softly)

NATHANIEL: The pursuit is the fun.

We're hunters by nature.

(echoing): The pursuit,
the pursuit, the pursuit...

Oh, Nathaniel.

Oh, girl who works for me.

(both moaning)

(gasps) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

(breathing heavily)

Ew.

♪ They had the same dream ♪

♪ They just got Santa Ana winded. ♪

- I had the weirdest dream last night.
- You did? So did I.

Oh, me, too.

Oh. It's those damn Devil Winds.

You know, I dreamt

that I married my pet snake Long
John Slither, which is crazy.

That prop isn't even on the ballot yet.

I actually had an amazing dream.

It was George Washington,
George Foreman,

Boy George and myself...
We're all on a yacht.

Which makes sense, right?

'Cause my name is George.

Oh, my God! What is
wrong with you people?

You're all a bunch of jerks!

Okay, so, Karen, I'm
totally freaking out,

because you all had weird
dreams, but mine was...

mine was upsetting.

Okay, so, I'm in a funeral home,

and I walk up to a casket.

- And in the casket was Darryl...
- (Karen gasps)

... holding an oil
painting of him and me.

Oh, God, it's-it's been
haunting me all morning.

I mean, you know, you
know when you have a dream,

and it just feels so real?

Damn those Devil Winds!

I'm here. Stop talking about dumb stuff.

Hey, we were just
discussing the Devil Winds.

Did you happen to have
a weird dream last night?

What? Why would you ask that?

Because we've all had weird dreams,

and we think it's because
of the Devil Winds.

Okay, I think we just, you know,

dial it back on the Devil Winds, Karen.

(gasps) You did have a dream.

I see it.

Your eyes have been touched
by the... Winds of Diablo.

Really?

You know what? I did have a dream.

I dreamt that I didn't work with morons.

Well, you know what I
wish I had a dream about?

That my boss was kind.

Run, Karen.

(clears throat)

You know, I'm so sorry about her.

She just, um... Yeah.

- Hey!
- Hey.

(clears throat)

Oh, um, go ahead.

No, you go.

I'll-I'll just... I'll wait and stir.

You're gonna stir before
you put in the creamer?

Yeah. I like to saturate the wood.

(moans softly)

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Hmm?

Damn it. Goose bumps.

(sighs)

(Darryl humming)

- Hey, Darryl?
- Hmm?

I was thinking.

I know sometimes I get impatient

with you, and I'm

sorry about that.

And I just... you
know, I want you to know

that I value our friendship.

And, you know, if you wanted

to pose for an oil
painting together sometime,

that I would be fine with that.

Really? 'Cause I was thinking
about charcoal or a gouache.

- What?
- But an oil painting...

That means that we would
spend more time together, so...

Wait a second.

What's going on?

Why are you being so nice?

This isn't one of your secret tricks,

like the other time where you told me

that there was ice
cream in the bathroom?

No.

(laughing): That's really funny, though.

Come on. Anyway,

just, I wanted to let you
know that I appreciate you,

and, you know, the... blah.

Wait a second, Paula. Uh...

What would you think about maybe
hanging out after work tonight?

Maybe grab a bite, just to catch up?

Uh...

Okay. No, no. No. That's fine. I get it.

- That's totally cool.
- No, no, no.

Hey, you know what? Fine.

Let's do it. Let's-let's grab a bite.

Oh, God, that would be great!

No, there's this restaurant that
I wanted to try, so we could...

Yeah. No, no, no.
Whatever. Whatever you want.

(singsongy): Going to dinner with Paula.

NBD. You know, casual thing.

Best friend thing. (laughs)

Can you believe it, Gus?

(grunts)

It's George!

Hey, Paula?

(sighs)

- Okay. Code yellow.
- Oh.

What? What is this? What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I threw away
that color chart you gave me.

Oh, my God! Periods are code
blue, because blue is the color

of the liquid they use
in tampon commercials,

because men hate that women bleed.

- Right.
- No. Code yellow is man problems.

(gasps) Hidey hole.

Okay, so I had a graphic dream
about Nathaniel last night,

and now he's giving me goose bumps.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

It's all up and down my lady limbs.

And I'm planning a wedding
to the man of my dreams.

Is this bad?

Uh, well...

Paula, Josh doesn't give
me goose bumps anymore.

I don't know what's happening.

I'm "im-bump-otent"
with him right now.

I'm just, I'm freaking out.

Oh, honey.

That's gonna pass.

God, remember when I had,
like, major goose bumps

for that client, Calvin,
and then I saw him cry,

and yuck, it was just, it was over?

So, I mean, that... you just
have to wait for that moment.

You just have to wait for
him to whip his yuck out.

Okay, I can do that. Yeah.

I mean, I bet... bet he has a
big yuck, like a massive yuck.

I mean, I wonder if I
could even take that yuck.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Uh, change of plans.

You need to stay away from
him as much as possible.

And... whatever you do,

do not get stuck in a
small space with Nathaniel.

Wait, why would I do that?

I mean, you know, you wouldn't mean to,

but that is exactly
what happens in rom-coms.

Okay, good-looking
people who hate each other

but secretly have the
hots for each other...

I mean, they are always
getting stuck in snowy cabins

and bank vaults and the trunk of a car.

I mean, it has happened to

Reese Witherspoon, like, eight times.

Okay, so all I need to do
is just avoid Nathaniel.

Right. I can do that. Okay.

All right, I can do that.

There would be...

On article seven... What
do you think that means?

Coast is clear.

(elevator bell dings)

(whistling)

♪ ♪

♪ You might say,
"Don't do it, wind ♪

♪ Leave these poor people alone" ♪

♪ But I'm a prankster ♪

♪ Tee-hee-hee-hee ♪

♪ I just wanna see ♪

♪ What will happen. ♪

(electrical buzzing, crackling)

(elevator rumbles)

Whoa!

Oh, no.

This place is a fortune.

You're my best friend,

and my best friend
deserves a special meal.

Best friend. Mm-hmm. Cheers.

Cheers.

(both chuckle)

Oh, that's good.

You know, it's funny that
you picked this place.

It's right near Scott's new apartment.

Oh.

Yeah, when I drop the kids off,

sometimes I think, you know,
if we were still together,

and I had a million
dollars, we could eat here.

(laughs)

It's stupid.

That's not stupid.

Why don't you just give him a
call and tell him how you feel?

(sighs)

I mean, I want to, but I just, I can't.

I can't. I have my pride.

Paula, that is just silly.

Can you cuddle pride?

Can you take pride to the movies?

Can pride pick a little piece of
croissant out of your mustache?

Mm. If you really miss him,

it doesn't matter what other people say.

Paula, Scott made a huge mistake,

but he apologized right away.

And you said yourself, you said

you didn't think that
he would cheat again.

I mean, you didn't tell me that.

You were talking to Mrs. Hernandez,

- and I was nearby.
- Maybe you're right.

Maybe... I will give him another chance.

I don't know. I will think about it.

That's great. Okay.

You think about it.

While you're doing that,

I'm gonna go... sprinkle the infield.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

REBECCA (muffled): Help!

Help! We're stuck! Hello!

Uh, okay.

Power must have gone
out due to the winds.

Ugh! There's no cell
phone service in here.

The alarm's busted, too.

Oh, my God. We have to get out of here.

How are we gonna get out of here?

- Just calm down.
- I am calm.

I just can't be stuck
in here, and I cannot

be stuck in here with
you. So just-just somebody!

Somebody, help! Just get us out of here!

REBECCA: Hello! Help!

GEORGE: H-Hello?

Oh. Hello?

Who's in there?

Oh. Hi.

It's Rebecca Bunch
and Nathaniel Plimpton.

Can you help us?

Sure. Of course. Yeah, absolutely.

Thank you so much.

Just as soon as you say my name.

What?

Just say my name, you know.
Pronounce it correctly.

And, uh, and I'll just let you both out.

Oh, God, it's
what's-his-name.

Quick. What's his name?

You think I know?

You fired him and then rehired him.

You worked with him for over a year.

I've been busy. Okay.

Okay, I don't know his name,

but I do know exactly
what he looks like.

Please, sir.

We're sorry, but we
can't remember your name.

I will, however, describe your face.

(chuckles): No! No, no, no, no, no.

I'm, uh, I'm not gonna stand
for this-this disrespect anymore.

Say... my... name.

Oh, my God! If you wanted
people to remember your name,

then you should have made
some kind of impression.

All right? Now stop being such a whiner,

- and let us out!
- Dude, don't piss him off.

He's our only way out of here.

To be called by one's
name is one of the rights

George Washington fought for.

Is his name Washington?

I'm leaving for the weekend.

And I hope you both
enjoy one-on-one time

in close quarters,

'cause you're about to get a lot of it!

How's that for an impression?

Well, you made quite a point.

Great.

Now we're just stuck in here.

You know what?

I know what we should do.

Okay.

We should have sex.

What?

I know. I'm shocked, too.

But hear me out.

This is what I'm thinking.

♪ ♪

♪ Unfortunately, I want
to have sex with you ♪

♪ I don't know what happened ♪

♪ Maybe you lost some weight ♪

♪ For some reason, you're now
on the top of my to-do list ♪

♪ Let's get this over with ♪

♪ So I can focus on other tasks ♪

♪ Let's have intercourse ♪

♪ Let's have intercourse ♪

♪ Just pretend I'm seducing you ♪

♪ Come on, let's quickly
have intercourse ♪

♪ Let's quickly have intercourse ♪

♪ So I can move on with my life ♪

♪ My busy life ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Are both highly
intelligent people ♪

♪ Although I'm in much
better physical shape ♪

♪ Once we do it, it'll be like ♪

♪ Well, that's what that was like ♪

♪ And you'll hopefully go back ♪

♪ To seeming weird to me ♪

♪ But right now let's
have intercourse ♪

♪ Let's have intercourse ♪

♪ I mean, obviously
you want to, too ♪

♪ Just super quickly
have intercourse ♪

♪ Super quickly have intercourse ♪

♪ You could use the exercise ♪

♪ Sometimes my body wants things ♪

♪ That my mind does not ♪

♪ My body wants things
that make my mind go ♪

♪ "Uh, body, what?" ♪

♪ We're animals ♪

♪ It's unfortunate ♪

♪ So come on, let's contortion it ♪

♪ I won't be back to
normal till I see ♪

♪ What your nipples look like ♪

♪ They're probably
straightforward nipples ♪

♪ I won't know for sure ♪

♪ Until we stop wasting
time talking 'bout it ♪

♪ And we super quickly ♪

♪ It'll only take a second ♪

♪ Have intercourse ♪

♪ Let's have intercourse ♪

♪ Good thing I happen
to have an old condom ♪

♪ In my wallet. ♪

REBECCA (muffled): No. No, no, no.

No, no, no. You do not have my consent.

What in the world would make you think

that I would want to have

hot, naked, sweaty
elevator sex with you?

I mean, the more I describe it,
the more disgusting it sounds.

Need I remind you, I'm "en-gahged."

And right now, I am "out-rahged."

You're doing the old-timey
voice and I am still attracted.

It is so confusing.

Sir, please desist, okay?

I am in a monogamous relationship.

Yeah, which means you're bored, right?

The chase is over, the sex is lame.

We've all been there.

Um, no. Actually, we
have a lot of sex. Yeah.

All day, "erryday," it's sexy sexy time.

So what? I had sex with
someone this morning.

That has nothing to
do with whether or not

I want to have sex with you or not.

Okay, Nathaniel, um, this is
every kind of inappropriate.

Listen, um,

instead of, uh, having
sex, why don't we just

get to know each other
in a platonic way.

- Mm.
- Okay? I'll start.

Hi. I'm Rebecca Bunch.

I'm from Scarsdale. I'm
an Aries-Taurus cusper,

- and I'm a Ravenclaw.
- (scoffs)

Oh, you think Harry
Potter's stupid? No.

I think that when people
say they're Ravenclaw,

they really think
that they're Gryffindor

but they don't want to sound too braggy.

Okay, wow. So you've seen
one of the movies. Cool.

No, I've read all the books.

I had mono in college

and my weird theater-major
roommate had them,

and I read them in a week.

And?

And I...

think they are modern classics.

Okay? There you go.

You happy now? You've
got something on me.

The tough boss likes
a child wizard book.

There you go. Spread the news.

I mean, actually, I
think it's kind of nice.

It almost makes you seem human.

Don't be a dick.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

Can I sit down?

What are you doing here?

Darryl was hoping we could talk.

Face-to-face.

Darryl was hoping?

He just called me.

He wanted us to talk and... so do I.

(exhales): Oh, my.

Paula...

I've been giving you some space, but...

I can't do this anymore.

I've apologized every
way I can think of.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

You are the center of my whole universe.

Please give me another chance.

Oh, God, Darryl.

Get in here.

What did you do?

Well, I said I was
going to the bathroom,

but instead, I called Scott

on the phone and had him come here.

And then I peed.

I know what you literally did...

... you dumb-ass.

What I want to know is how
you could do this to me.

This is my life, Darryl.

This is not some secret trick.

I wanted to help you;
you're my best friend.

Will you stop saying that.

I am not your best friend.

REBECCA (muffled): Okay. Okay, fine.

Maybe I'm a little bit Gryffindor.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, but you're totally a Slytherin.

I'm not ashamed of that.

Slytherin are proud, cunning, ambitious.

And evil.

Which actually totally fits you.

Because you tried to seduce
me even though I'm engaged.

Oh, don't do that.

You're bored in your relationship,

but that's not my fault.

Anyway, I am completely
and totally free...

to do whatever I want
with whomever I want.

Don't you miss that?

Miss the pursuit?

No.

No. I never cared for the chase.

Really?

To never be with anyone else.

To never have another first time

or first kiss.

What's so magical about first kisses?

Well, you can't be with Cedric
if you're already with Ron.

Stop talking dirty.

(elevator rumbles)

(elevator bell dings)

Oh! The elevator's back on. Great.

(clears throat)

Yep. Great. Great.

(clears throat)

(clears throat)

Oh, my God. (sighs)

Okay, so we've been here all night.

Wow. (sniffs)

(elevator stops)

(panting)

♪ ♪

♪ You're looking really guilty ♪

Move aside.

♪ You can't push the wind ♪

Oh, you.

That kiss was all your fault.

♪ I just reveal your ♪

♪ Deepest wishes and fears ♪

♪ So it's you, Rebecca ♪

♪ It's not me ♪

♪ Who is super weird ♪

♪ Super weird ♪

♪ You're super weird ♪

No, I'm not!

Get away from me! Go back to Santa Ana!

Or I don't know if
that's where you're from

or that's where you're going.

♪ You ruined everything ♪

♪ You stupid bitch. ♪

(magical tinkling)

No. Get away from me, Mr. Wind!

Just get away! Stop bothering me, wind!

Just stop it!

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Josh. Hey, wake up.

Wake up. I got to talk to
you. It's really important.

Oh, yeah. What-What's
up? Everything okay?

Where have you been? It's so early.

I have to tell you something, okay?

I have to tell you something right now.

What is it?

(grunts, sighs)

So, what is it? What
do you need to tell me?

I have the most amazing news.

Okay. What?

Your dream is coming true.

(gasps) Are they doing a remake
of Chuck Norris's Sidekick?

I don't think s...
I mean, they might be.

No, no, no. Josh, so I called
your dream wedding venue,

and a spot opened up!

Hello. Is this Ashley Jones?

Yes, are you getting married at

the Malibu Cliffs Villa
and Spa in two weeks?

Uh, you hash-tagged the
venue on your Instagram.

Incidentally, your
account is not private.

Might want to change that.
Lot of weirdos out there.

Listen, I was wondering
if I could pay you

an exorbitant amount of money
to move your wedding date.

I mean, they called me.
The-the wedding venue called me,

and-and we got off the waiting list.

Whoa!

When is it? What's the
date? Like, next year?

It's not next year. Uh-huh.

It's not next month.

Uh-huh.

It's not next week.

It's the week after next week.

Huh?

It's in two weeks! (squeals)

The wedding is in two weeks!

I know it's a little soon,

but, I mean, it's the only
way our dream could come true.

(sighs) Rebecca,
two-two weeks is insane.

I know, I know. You know, that's
what I told them on the phone.

But then I-I thought about it, Josh,

and we've known each other for 11 years.

Finally, it's coming to an end.

The pursuit is over, and I
just want to celebrate that.

But why the rush?

You know, it's not a rush though.

Because I thought about it,

and was it a rush for
you to propose to me?

No. It's not a rush

because I've been waiting
my whole life for you.

But there's so much to do.

I mean, Jayma planned her
wedding for a year and a half.

And that's what's great about this.

We plan it, we get it done,

and then we start our lives together.

You won't have to do anything.

Okay? I'll handle it all.

All you have to do is show up

and make me the happiest
girl in the world, okay?

All right.

Yay! Oh, hooray. I-I knew
you'd say "All right."

Oh.

(giggling)

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

- Oh, I have goose bumps.
- (magical tinkling)

- Do you hear that?
- No.

The winds are gone.

Isn't that awesome?

Yes. I can breathe
through my nose again.

Oh, my God, baby, that is so sexy.

- (both moaning)
- Oh, yeah!

Two weeks?!

Because of the venue.

You know, we got off the waiting list.

And two weeks is actually, it's not,

it's not as short as you think.

In fact, the possum
gestation period is two weeks.

- How do you know that?
- I looked it up

before you came here so
I could tell you that.

My God, honey, that is so fast.

I know how it looks, okay?
I know that people are

gonna think we're
rushing into it, but...

I don't know, I can't
live my life worrying

about what other
people think. Who cares?

It's my life

and my... love story.

Right?

Right.

(knocking)

Hey, guys.

Okay, I want you to go right upstairs

and start your homework, okay?

We already finished all of our homework

for the entire weekend at Dad's house.

He made us.

He actually watched us do
it like a sadistic sadist.

Divorced Scott sucks.

We're not divorced! Yet.

Do you want to stay for dinner?

What?

Well, I made that chili
thing that you like,

and I miss you and I love you
and I want you to move back in.

You do?

Look, we all make mistakes. I...

God knows I've made them.

And... if people think I'm
an idiot for taking you back,

screw 'em.

Aw, Paula...

You are not totally off the hook.

You need to earn back my trust,

and I don't know how
long that's gonna take.

- And...
- I-I totally understand.

- I'm ready to do the work.
- Good.

Because I missed you.

I've missed you, too.

And that toilet upstairs has
been running for three weeks,

and it is driving me insane.

So you are gonna have to...
put your hand in that tank ASAP.

Honey, I will put my hand in an
unflushed toilet bowl for you.

(exhales) Yeah, you will.

Don't yell at me again, please.

Darryl, I'm here to apologize.

I know, I know. I am so sorry.

No, I'm the one who...

Just...

- (sighs) Darryl.
- Hmm?

Thanks to your unsolicited and
presumptuous interference...

... Scott and I are going
to try and work things out.

- Oh, God, that's great!
- But you... definitely overstepped.

(sighs) But I know you meant well.

Of course I did, because I care.

You're my best friend.

I know, I know.

I'm not your best friend.
Please, just don't say it.

'Cause I think I've always known it.

But the truth is...

I don't really care.

'Cause you make me happy.

- I do?
- Yes.

Every day, when I come to work,

you have the perfect sarcastic remark

or a great insight into a case.

And you always tell me
the truth, no matter what.

And I like those things so much

that I don't care where I rank with you.

- But...
- No. Shush.

Let me finish.

♪ ♪

♪ You're my best friend ♪

♪ And I know I'm not yours ♪

♪ And that's okay ♪

♪ I'm not your best friend ♪

♪ Of that I'm pretty sure ♪

♪ But I'm okay ♪

♪ Friendship doesn't have
to be a two-way street ♪

♪ As long as there's
a car on the road ♪

♪ Friendship doesn't have to
mean a shoulder to cry on ♪

♪ I don't need a shoulder to cry ♪

Oh, I'm just kidding!

♪ You're my best friend ♪

♪ And I know I'm not yours ♪

♪ And that's okay ♪

♪ Your best friend
is somebody else ♪

♪ But I get it ♪

♪ Completely get it ♪

♪ A little from you ♪

♪ Is like a lot from someone else ♪

♪ Six of yours beats
anyone's dozen ♪

♪ That's why I love
you like a sister ♪

♪ And you love me like ♪

♪ A second cousin ♪

♪ You're my best friend
and I know I'm not yours ♪

♪ And that's okay ♪

♪ That's okay ♪

♪ I said it's okay. ♪

Really.

- Okay, tell you what.
- Hmm?

You're my best... male friend.

That's cool.

Cool.

DARRYL (in distance):
I'm her best male friend!

(clears throat) Hey.

How was your weekend?

Good. You?

Wonderful.

Okay, so we need to clear the air. Um...

last week...

those winds...

I acted crazy, and then
there-there was that rando kiss

between us, but that happened,

and it's never gonna happen again.

Whatever you say.

I do say.

'Cause I just, I said it. Yeah.

And I actually have marvelous news.

I'm now getting married in two weeks.

Wow. Okay.

To who?

You're so funny.

Have fun with the Muggle.

Oh. Hi, George.

It's George.

Do you know my name?

Of course I do.

You finally made an impression
with that elevator thing.

I asked around, and no one
seemed to know your name either,

so then I looked you up.

Wow.

That's thoughtful.

Mm.

And I am sorry, by the
way, about all the...

I was triggered.

And then the Devil Winds, also.

Those came in.

And then I was... I was
worried you might be upset.

(chuckles)

I'm not upset.

But you are fired again, George.

Like, seriously fired this time.

He knows my name.

(phone rings) Hello?

MAN: An inmate is
calling from San Quentin.

Will you accept the charges? Yes.

Yes, of course.

Marcus. How are you, darling?

How is your gang?

Oh, before you say anything,

I'm so sorry that I
haven't been able to visit.

I-I've been so busy with
Long John Slither's...

Well, of course I still care about you.

Honey, I love both you
and Long John equally.

You can't expect me to...

You want me to choose?

Please... (stammers) I can't do that.

♪ ♪

♪ What's a girl to do when
she's stuck between men? ♪

♪ Especially when one
of the men is a snake. ♪