Crashing (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

This programme contains very strong
language throughout and adult content

Don't speak to him. She is red zone!

She's basically my sister.

He calls her "my Lulu".

I'm not in love with you.

Why are you wearing a hat?

Colin! 'I think
you should live with me.'

I think you would like being
painted. I would be generous
with your penis.

- Fred.
- Yeah.
- This ain't never gonna happen.

OK.

Oh, please, if you're about to
say something like



"porn is killing sex" we are
going to have a massive argument.

- Please don't say it.
- Porn is killing sex.
- Bring it.

Listen, hot chops, I've wanked over
the entire internet.

Computer screens used to give me
faster boners than a flash of a tit
and that is NOT nor mal.

- Can we please stop
talking about porn?
- Lulu, you're
supposed to be helping me!

You know that a common side
effect of excessive porn use is
erectile dysfunction...

- Are you getting better boners?
- What do you think is holding
the table up?

Lulu, kitchen now!

- Guys, am I too much?
- Aiiiiiiii! Aiiiii!
- Hot, hot, hot!

You look lovely.

Cheers. Sam helped.

Ladies and gentlemen...
This is my greatest achievement.

You look SO hot!

Here, try this.



Is it a hot one?

No. It's sweet.

Oh, yeah. Thank you for letting me
stay here.

I know it can't have been ideal me

just... turning up
out of the... Oh, my GOD!

You are a BASTARD! You bastard!
You bastard!

I should have seen it
coming, you fucker!

Fred, where's your date?
We need to get going.

- I'll call him again.
- Stood UUPPP.

- He's probably just got stuck on a...
- Penis.

- Train.
- Penis train.

He'll be here. He's very reliable.

Whoohoo! Reliable!

So, go on, pray tell us
all about the penis train.

Oh, yeah, well... He-he's lovely.
Yeah, he's really, um...

He's just so nice to me,
I-I don't...

I just... I mean, it's... early days.

What's wrong with you? It's broken.

- Oh, it's broken!
- Don't mess me up, OK? I like him.

Yeah sure. Never seen you look
so sexy.

OK, here we go.
Can we move that, please?

- Yup.
- OK.

Tonight there will be three curries -
this first one is...

Vindalulu?!

Yeah. No.
Now it's called Katie Korma.

What?! But it's not even a korma.

No, it's always been a korma.
You were just so chuffed with your
wordplay I couldn't break it to you.

- Wow.
- It was named after you first?

Oh, it seems I was
just the holding name until he got
himself an actual girlfriend.

Fiancee.

Fiancee. Sorry,
I forgot people still did that.

Don't get weird about it.
It's a curry.

I'm not being weird about it!

He meant her.

That's embarrassing.

Ah. I'll get over it.

- Where's Melody?
- She's still painting Colin.
- I bet she is.

Lulu, go get her.

ALL CHAT

Mate, if this bhaji was a hat,
Kate would wear it to work.

It's like you've come in my mouth.

Thanks, guys. And the chutney?

ALL COMMENT AT ONCE

Mmmm, tastes like cunt.

Thanks, baby.

- INDIAN ACCENT: OK, OK, OK.
- Don't.

But why not-ah? It's curry night!

It's offensive.

What? WHY? I'm good at it...

No, you're not.
Can we just serve the curry?

- Yeah.
- But why is it offensive?

- IRISH ACCENT: Would you say that
this is offensive, now Anthony?
- Yes. Very.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Is this? This is,
like, totally offensive, right?

- Doing an Indian accent is different.
- Why can't I do an Indian accent?

I'm not taking the piss
out of Indian people, I'm just doing
the accent-ah on curry nigh t-ah!

It's racist. OK.

How is it racist?!

It just is. It makes me
feel uncomfortable.

- Because it makes you feel like
you are around Indian people?
- No. I didn't say...

- Am I making you feel uncomfortable, Kate?
- Do you want him to leave?

I just feel there are certain
connotations that come with
mocking certain accents.

Come on,
it's not the 1980s any more.

You can do an accent without it
being mocking!

POSH ACCENT: Is this offending
any of you, darlings?

I just got hard.

You can't censor an Indian
accent just because it makes YOU
feel uncomfortable.

If anything, that's racist.

I don't know why it makes me
feel weird. It just does.

EXAGGERATED ACCENT:
Oh, do the accent, Katy.

LAUGHTER AND ENCOURAGEMENT

Do the accent, Katy.

No!

Can we just, um...

The pomegranate seeds might be
a little bit too much, I'm not sure.

- What, there's...
- They're in the raita.

EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT: I'm going
to pop my belly if I don't have
my papadums soon, ya?

You understand me, ya?

Maybe it is racist.

Jesus, Kate.

This is really beautiful food.

Yeah, with herbs it would be even
better, actually.

It shouldn't really need herbs.

The worst thing about it is,
a part of him always knew it was

happening, but he was just too
much of a coward to be alone.

He'd rather have her while she's
being licked out by her accountant,

than not have her at all.

Romantic, pathetic, beautiful.
It's so many things.

Wow.

Yes, I wasn't expecting her to
tell you all that.

You're through the worst now.

He also has sometimes
touched himself thinking of
the two of them together.

He is a sexually complicated man.
But with a huge heart.

- Right.
- A huge, broken, heart.

- OK, Melody.
- Shattered.

Bum out.

No, no, look.
She has found love with Brian.

I cannot begrudge her that.

Your pain is so beautiful.

Thank you.

- Have you been in touch with Cara?
- Yes... She, uh...
sent me a photo of her garden.

Her front garden?

No, although she does have
a lovely little front garden.

But I only paid attention to
the back garden.

More space for aggressive seeding
and such.

It was rather a weekend
passion of mine.

Can we see a picture of her
back garden?

Of course.
If you like that sort of thing.

Here are the lovely camellias.

And you can just make out that
climbing rose blossoming

through the sweet peas.
- What's that?

That's Brian jumping through
the sprinkler in front

of the chrysanthemums.

- He's very...
- Hairy, yes.

I haven't that gift, I'm afraid.

I think it's beautiful.
That you tried. She let you down.

You held your end up. Good for you.

Thank you, Sam.

- Are you trying to have sex with
someone here?
- No.

UKULELE STRUMS

OK. It's Ukululu time.
We're going to play Truth Songs.

So, fill your cups.

It's time to
get to know each other properly

and these are the only two ways
I know how to do it.

I have work tomorrow.
Ah, we all do.

- Well...
- What?

You're a receptionist.

And?

Well...

Sing one about this deliciously
spicy curry!

OK.

♪ I really liked the curry

♪ Which is really lucky

♪ Cos Kate told us to big it up
whether we did or not. ♪

APPLAUSE

Is that true?

No.

Yes. Who's next?!

Kate do one!

Excellent idea!

- Do one about...
- Nothing sexual, please.

...orgasms!

I'm not going to sing about orgasms!

ALL: Come on!

UKULELE STRUMS

♪ They feel really nice

♪ They feel really nice

♪ I really like orgasms

♪ They happen down there. ♪

You nailed it, babe.

I want to do one with Colin,
about love.

Hold my hand.

- ♪ Oooooo
- Oooooo

♪ Why am I here?

♪ Most mornings I wish I was dead. ♪

Wow.

Fucking amazing.

TIMER DINGS

Second curry.

What's that smell?

It's the next curry.

Ooh, lovely. Why did you tell
Lulu about my orgasm thing?

I didn't. Why did you tell everyone
to pretend to like my meal?

I didn't. Why did you tell
Lulu I've never jizzed?

I didn't!
Baby, you can't say jizzed.

Well, she's fucking intuitive then,

picking ME to sing the one
song about orgasms.

Lucky I pulled it off.

Later. Please. This one is fish.

It's all in the timing.

Promise me she doesn't know.

I promise.

- Swear on our future children.
- I swear.

♪ Kate can't co-me. ♪

I was singing about how...

how you can't come to the cinema
with Sam and Fred tomorrow.

- Sure.
- Seriously, I didn't know.

Seriously, it's OK.

I didn't know. Anthony never tells me
anything any more. Seriously.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to talk about it.

OK.

I can get the ukulele
if you'd rather sing about it.

- I could fucking murder
you sometimes.
- Sorry.

Hey, I'm a good listener, though.

- I'm sure you...
- What?

I just feel like everyone else can
jizz at the drop of a cock.

Tell me about it.

You struggle as well?

Oh, no, sorry.
I'm one of the lucky ones.

I get close just
looking at The Shard.

- Huh...
- DOOR BANGS

Lulu, get out, come on.

I can feel you ruining
my relationship from here.

It's OK, baby. I know you didn't say
anything. We're just chatting.

- About what?
- The Shard.

- Get out of there!
- We're bonding!

I'm serious! She's a teenage boy,
she has nothing to offer!

It's OK, baby.
We'll be down in a minute.

I know you didn't tell her anything.

Yeah, well, I don't like it.

Is it really gross for you
to talk about all this stuff?

I know you two are like
siblings, right?

- No, it's fine.
- Siblings... right?

Yes.

Look, the main thing about orgasms...

Oh, fuck's sake. I HAVE jizzed.

I've just never...

...with Anthony.

- Ooh.
- Please don't tell him I told you.

- Course.
- I don't want it to mean we're not happy.

It doesn't.

Happy people jizz.

Everyone has a thing. You probably
just haven't found yours yet.

You've got to keep experimenting.
Don't give up.

SHE SLAPS HER THIGH

Thanks.

(I did actually come in here
because I need a poo.)

Sure.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Wow! Nothing.

Come on. Tell me, like...
Why is this one not right for me?

Too kind? Too successful?

Too attractive?

You've got a bogey.

I know that's not true.

Fuck you.

No, come on. Please, tell me.

- I do think she's right for you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Thanks.

I'm just not sure
you're right for her.

You don't even come together.

I told you that in confidence.

Aw, shit. Lulu...

...I'm really fucking happy now.

I don't think you are.

Stop trying to fuck Sam.

You're embarrassing yourself and
I don't want him to catch anything.

Hey, guys. Sorry to interruptaroo.

You don't know where I can find a
little fella called Fred, do you?

CHATTER

TALK GROWS LOUDER

- Go on!
- No, no way! No, I hardly know you guys.

Look, if I can do a song, then you
can! It's rather liberating.

Yeah, it doesn't matter if you can't
sing, it's not about that.
It's about truth!

Just fucking do it.

Only if Fred gives me the topic.

Ooh, me? Oh, I don't know...
I feel under pressure now.

- How about, um...
- Cock?

Sam.

How about... penguins?

- Lovely!

Excellent choice, Fred.

Classic Fred.

♪ I'll sing you a song
about penguins and... ♪

Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, no, no! It's good.
One more go, one more go.

- Just do it again.
- All right, come on. With groove, groove it.

♪ And I wish that I could
sing about those penguins

♪ But all that I have
in my head, yeah

♪ Is a tune, a tune, a tune

♪ About the most beautiful
creature in the world

♪ So I guess I got to sing

♪ So I guess I got to sing

♪ I got to sing about Fred! ♪

CHEERING

I want to do one.

You can't beat that!

I think I surprised
myself with that one!

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

I'm going to have to
strap you in, baby girl.

TABLE SHAKES
Oh!

Why am I the only ones drunk?

Cos you drank everyone's wine.

Sam, help me, would you?

- Sam?
- Yeah.

So, Lulu...

- Pretty full-on, yeah.
- She's trying to piss me off.

She doesn't actually want
to have sex with you.

- She does.
- She doesn't. Mmm. She does.

She doesn't.

- She does.
- I don't have time to do this.

She doesn't.

She doesn't.

Can you carry those in?

So, just to be clear...
you still want to bang Lulu?

No! No.

OK, cool! So she's
not red zone any more?

- Do what you want, man.
- Really?

No!

But, yeah, sure. But no.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

No. Cool?

Are you OK?

No.

That'll keep me busy for a couple
of weeks. And then... Colin?

I suppose a drop more can't hurt.

Then I'm whisking Fred away
to this lovely little villa

that I've got in Palma.

- Aw, how romantic.

Are we nearly finished?

- Nope, no-one move.

- Ow! Melody, Fred hit me!
- Fred, do it again.

Give me that.
I'm so sorry about this, Will.

Don't make crazy Fred
come to town, OK?

ALL: Oh!

You have ruined the shirt!

It was my shirt! I've ruined
MY shirt. And "crazy Fred"?

Oh, you're adorable.

Stop touching me. I'm not adorable.

- I'm a man.
- All right, stop showing off, you little squid.

I made you.

Excuse me?

Give me my shirt back.

- What?
- I don't think that's necessary, is it?

Now.

All yours.

OK...

Now let's play...

"who's going to have sex tonight?"

Melody and Colin!

That is not what this is.

Oh, come on. We've all seen
you sneaking out of Melody's room

like a satisfied little squirrel.

- Come on, Colin.
- Aw, Lolita, don't run!

Oh, God, I think I'll, erm...

It's OK, Colin. You're going
through a big life change.

You're bound to make
very odd decisions.

I understand English, you know.

Why is everyone freaking out?

Zey are lovers. Let zem be!

Is zat offensive, Anthony?

He's not my lover!

He's my muse!

- Please excuse me.

- Merci.

- I warned you he was fragile.
- He's an adult.

- Well, he just stormed off like a little baby.
- Your muse?!

- Well, I think that's just lovely.
- Me, too.
- No, you don't.

Like an artist's muse?!

- Just lovely.
- Yes, he is!

You think meeting someone like Colin
happens to artists all the time?!

He gives SO much.

Yeah, sure, and you just lap it up
and just slap it on a canvas.

Pardon?

"His pain is so beautiful."
You're using him to indulge yourself.

I am indulging. And what is this?

That is a?4 bottle of wine.

COMMOTION

What did I just say?!
That's expensive!

Can we all grow up
for a second here, please?

- I can't believe you can't come.
- Sorry if I upset you, Melody.

You don't upset me. You bore me.

All you seem to want to do is drink
and wank and drink and wank.

Well, at least I don't have to wank
other people's pain onto a canvas,

and then shove it in people's
faces and call it "my art."

Well, at least I don't have
to stare at other people's

miserable, naked bodies
to make me feel something.

This is so hot.

Isn't that exactly what
you're doing with Colin?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
should I call him your muse?

Maybe Kate should try
staring at a naked Colin

to help her orgasm debut.

I have had an orgasm!

You are all obsessed with sex!

- Don't walk out on this, this is
the big one, this is the curr-icane!

I can't bear it, mate.
I'm going to have to make her come.

I have had an orgasm!

This is a very delicate mix of three
very unusual, sought-after spices.

This is the first time I've managed
to make it. Three days to marinate.

- What does it feel like, then?
- Oh, leave her alone.
- Can we focus on the curries, please?

- You blatantly haven't.
- She has!
- I have had an orgasm!

She's just never
orgasmed with Anthony!

Can we drop... the wind-ups...
for a second, Lu?!

OK...

I am just going to gather up
all of this negative energy

and I'm just going to
pop it in here, OK?

Don't put it in there.
I've spent three days marinating!

- No!
- Oh, God, it's delicious, it's delicious.

- Come on, baby, let's go to bed.
- Try.
- Anthony.

- Fuck!
- I'll do it, I'll do it!

Aww. Our first fight.

G'day. I'm going to go and get
you a big pint of water, OK?

Fred, have you got some cups
and some cloths?

Yes. Sure. This way.

Your friends are lunatics.

I know.

Ugh!

SHE GROANS

Oooh...

Hey.

Ooh.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's tempting, Chuckles,
but I'm too full.

Aw, come on. Get your tits out.

We can't.

Sorry.

No!

I'll let you call me Fred!

That was a joke.

I thought you left.

So did I.

- You don't have to be here
if you can't handle...
- No.

I want to be here.

I want to be the pain
in your paintings...

so to speak.

Merci, Colin.

Yup.

That's OK.

Yup. Yup.

This is humiliating.

No, baby, it's not. We've just
got to find our... thing.

- HE SNIFFS
- I'm sorry.

I don't want to... Whoo!

...cry in front of you, but...

No, no... That's fine.

Maybe we're just going to have
to admit that we're not...

Keep crying. Don't stop crying...

...compatible...
- Yeah!

- Keep going.
- ..together.
- Think about how sad that makes you.

- Keep crying!
- HE SOBS

Cry! Cry!

Oh, yeah! Please, cry!

Oh, you're sad! Yeah!

Ugh! UGH!

- Did you...?
- Yep.

Yeah, I did.