Crashing (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Lulu! Oh, my God!
Kate, this is Lulu.

She's basically my sister.

Melody, this is Crying Colin.

I am not going on a date with you.

You'll eat me alive.

Sam and Fred!

- Fred?! Who's she?
- Hi.

- I heard about your dad,
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

I actually want to know
how you feel about me.

- Lu, I have been in love with...
- I'm joking, you dick!

This programme contains
strong language, adult
humour and some nudity.



SHE GASPS

Lovely low ceilings,

very little light.

Four floors, 12 rooms on each -

every one occupied by a
different flavour of lunatic.

- Am I on your floor?
- You're in luck, princess.

A trapeze artist got evicted last
week for shitting out the window.

So, moving in gift.

- Never leave that unattended.
- Thanks.

What are you doing now?

Do you want to make love?

Maybe tomorrow.

I've got to find a job

and a door



and an identity, so...

Good luck with that.

What do you think?

This the coolest
place I've ever seen.

Aw,

you'll get over it.

Morning, Sam.

Oh, my God, your fucking face!
Your stupid face!

Oh, my God, you were so sad.

What you doing now?

Got work, actually.

Want to watch a rom-com?

What, now?

Maybe just the beginning.

That's the spirit.

It's so great she's staying.

What's she going to do here?

- Dunno. She's pretty spontaneous.
- Is she?

Does she, like, go
to Berlin and stuff?

We did go to Berlin once, yeah.

Oh, cool.

LOUD HAMMERING

Done!

Just get in.

Come on, I've seen you naked before.

ELECTRICAL ZAPPING

SHE SCREAMS FRANTICALLY

Tell them what happened, baby.

Yeah, so, um...

I was just preparing
to get into the bath.

I turned round... Like this.

...and then suddenly there was
just flashes, flashes, sparks...

Oh, my God. what happened?
The bath blew up.

- Well, it didn't...
- Oh, my God. How?

- I was just
- Oh, my God, are you OK?

Yes. Oh, my God.

- Are you OK?
- I'm a bit shaken, actually.

OK. The lights came from...

- Are you hurt?
- Well...

- Are you injured?
- No.

You ruined our movie!

Come on, Fred.

I really have to go to work now.
Sorry, Sam. Sorry, Kate.

- I hope everything...
- No, you have to bunk off with me.

- I really, really can't. I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, but I need you.

Are you OK?

Yeah. Shut up. Go to work.

So, it was like lightening just...

Does anyone have any
openings at their work?

I'm up for anything -
medicine, advertising...

ALL: No.

I felt the heat.

Hey, what are you
doing today, Melody?

I want to see your little
Colin friend again.

No, Melody, he's going through
a very difficult time.

Do we need tell management about
the bath, or is the bath OK?

I could be dead.

Did no-one check the bath?

Oh, my God, the bath!

Ah, c'est pas vrai.
Kate, do something!

- The shelf.
- Oh, OK. Fuck you all.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure,
I'll fix the danger bath,

put up another shelf, set up dates
for my fragile work colleagues,

before running to work - where I
don't even have a receptionist -

and yes, I am supposed to
be sorting that out as well.

So, if any of you can tell me
where I can find one of those

in the next five minutes, I would
really fucking appreciate it.

OK. So... It will ring, you pick up,

ask who it is,

remember the name or write it down,

then press the name
on the switchboard,

tell THEM who it is

and if they want to speak
to them, put them through,

if they DON'T want to speak to them,

go back and take a message.

OK...

which bit do I pick
up when it rings?

You pick it up...

Sorry, is this a joke?

No, It's just...

So much happens so fast.

Yeah, it's harder than it looks,
I've always thought that.

PHONE RINGS

Ah!

Good morning. Uh...

- What's the name?
- Something Events.

Is this a test?

No, we are called Something Events.

Good morning, Something Events,

Lulu speaking, how can I help you?

Hi, Lulu? It's Melody.

Put me to Colin's phone,
please. Sexy man.

Ah, sure thing, Melody.

What's Colin's extension? Sexy man.

No, No, No.

Non, Melody. No sexy man,

divorcee man.

She's not good for him right now.

HE WAILS

Hey, who's the work flirt?

Want to get my teeth into somebody.

We're not really...

We're very professional.

Hey, KK. Looking beautiful as ever.

Well, I can see your nipples
through that shirt.

Shame I can't say
the same about yours.

SHE GIGGLES

That's Johnny.

Sure.

So, to summarise point number one,

treat your time as your most...

Hey, guys, great work.
You especially.

Fred, I need to ask
you to step outside.

Your test results
have just come back.

Now, Fred.

They've found a donor.

What?!

That was not cool.

I am in professional mode.

Is everything OK?

How good is that smoothie?

It's an amazing smoothie.

That's what the whole day
could taste like, baby.

You, me and The Big Smoke.

What do you say? Work's for jerks.

People can't just
walk out of work...

You're not like people.

Hmm?

Where are we going?

You're my hero. Come!

Ooh, been shopping?

Oh, God, no. No time for that.

Just something for a client.

Cool.

Hey, do you want to
go for lunch today?

No. Sorry, I have a very
intense, boring meeting.

That's OK.

Just Anthony asked me
to go to the restaurant.

- I thought we could go together.
- Oh, really?

Oh.

Oh, my God, I just remembered.

You have to deliver this
package... over lunch.

It's urgent.

- Sorry.
- Oh, no that's...

- That's perfect!
- Great.

I'll just go and get it.

I'll drop it off on the
way to my boring meeting.

Sorry.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Something Events...

Sorry. Ah, bonjour!

Why are you being weird?

I don't know.

'Lulu, just bring Colin to me.'

He'd never go with me.

Of course he will.

I can't.

- I have an errand.
- A what?

- An errand.
- A what?
- An errand.

You have to use a different word.

- A what?
- A little job.

Oh, so fine.

Bring him to me and then
go away on your little job.

For me? New friend?

Oh, God. OK, OK.

- Where?
- Go to Anthony's restaurant.

- J'arrive.
- No, no, not there.

HE WAILS

Madam, to what do
I owe the pleasure?

Just wanted to hang out.

What have you done with Lulu?

Jessica made her deliver
a package so...

Over lunch on her first day?

DOOR CHIMES Bit harsh.

- Oh!
- Oh! - Hi! Hey!

- Hello!
- Hi! - Hey! - Hi!

Did you deliver the package?

- I thought you had a boring meeting?
- I do, yes,

but I just popped in for...

To say hi.

Oh, cool. Me too!

I was just going to deliver
this now actually

I thought we were having lunch?

- Hello, Colin.
- Melody?!
- Bad!

- I'm sorry, she made me.
- Excuse me.

You really shouldn't be here, Melody.

- You have a meeting, non?
- Yes.

Oh, you're not staying?

I really have to go
and deliver this now so...

See you later all. Best of luck.

Where's the package for?

Llewellyn House in Green Park.

I do a lunch drop round there.
I'll pop it in.

Oh, no, honestly. I mean, don't...

It's basically the only thing
Kate's asked me to do today, so...

No, I'll do it.

Stay, please.

Please. Consider this
safe in the hands of

Mrs Delilah Forjenatuseu...

What the fuck?

- Are you sure?
- Well, I...

Great. Can Lulu have your lunch?

- Sure.
- Great!

Oh, so shit about
your boring meeting.

Really shit!

SHE SIGHS

Really shit.

Can we please have some cutlery?

You've already got it.

Hold out your hands.

- Ah!
- We're a no-cutlery restaurant.

It's a contemporary interpretation

of the traditional North African
hand-to-mouth dining etiquette.

I'd rather just have some cutlery.

We don't give a fork.

They make us say that.

It's very cool. Thank you.

I'm sorry...

What? Say something.

I'm fucking nervous.

So...

OK...

Where are you from?

Really?

So, how does it feel to be
grossly underqualified

for a job you've earned
solely through nepotism?

Mmm, yeah, feels fantastic.

Lu... I think we need to...

You know, I should
probably get back.

- In case there's another... package.
- Lu... I...

Don't fuck it up at Kate's.

- I won't.
- And get a duvet.

I don't want you
knocking on my door,

looking for a towel to sleep on.

Sure. I'll see you at the...

And I'm not in love with you.

HE LAUGHS

- I'm not in love with you.
- OK...

Is that... clear?

I'll see you later.

I will continue to live

with my wife and her lover
until they...

They have sex in the bath
while you're shaving your face?

That would do it, yes.

I think you should live with me.
Just for a bit.

I think you would like
being painted.

I'd be generous with your penis.

OK. I don't think this...

I'm not...

I don't want anything
weird from you!

I want to get to know you,
I want to paint you,

I want to make love to you.

I want to be your friend!

What do you want?

I want a fork!

I'll fork you.

OK. You are really interesting,

but please...

I'm not going... I'm going to go.

I AM rebellious. There's
a crazy Fred in here. Serious.

Yeah? Shock me.

I drew on my desk at school.

Whoa! You wild, boy!

I cut the tassels
off my mum's special rug.

Mmm, dirty.

I regularly steal pens from Ryman's,

and I once killed a fox
with a tennis racket.

Shall we do something
rebellious inside?

- It's getting a bit chilly.
- Just ten more minutes.

- What are we doing?!
- Shut that pretty mouth, baby.

THEY MOUTH

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

SHE MOUTHS

THEY MOUTH

You're right, you know.

It's good to take
a day off, occasionally.

Oh, by the way, the whole fox thing

was more complicated
than I actually...

Deep breath.

As he scattered breadcrumbs here
throughout his life,

so we scatter his life here.

Bye, Dad.

I'm just not sure
she's cut out for this job.

(I mean, her phone...

(voice tone is really alienating.

(And she just sounds like...

(..a criminal.)

What's up with you?

He calls her "my Lulu".

That's so hot and inappropriate.

Do you want me
to get another temp in?

OK. But don't say
it was my decision.

And be subtle.

Sure.

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

Why don't you want me
to work here any more?

I do! I... What?

- You said I have a criminal voice.
- Sorry. Came out badly.

Have I done something?

No, I... Jessica said something

about not bringing outside... friends

into the workplace.

Why? I mean, I'd understand
if it was you,

like, I'm suddenly in your work
and in your home and everything,

but it's just weird
that it was Jessica.

- No, I know.
- I mean,
- I've hardly even spoken to her.

She's just a...

...whore.

Hey. Want to eat first, beautiful?

Yeah, great. So I'm not fired?

No! SHE LAUGHS

Great!

Great. See you, KK.

See you, KK!

Have Anthony and her ever fucked?

No, thank God.

Bad luck, babe. Seriously?

Yes! Why is that bad?

Honey...

...everyone...

fucks everyone.

Eventually.

But that's just not true.

LAUGHTER

You are hilarious!

I know!

Hey, Melody.

Hey. Oh, how was your...? Oh.

Oh, it doesn't matter...

Non, non, putain... What's the word?

- It was your big day, non? Fucking...
- No, no, it wasn't even...

...pitch!

How was your big pitch?

Oh, I, erm... It was...

It doesn't matter.
I didn't want it anyway.

Hmm. D'accord.

Hey.

Hey. You all right?

Yeah.

Why are you wearing a hat?

Non!

Non...

Non. Colin, come on.

Courage!

Courage!

Oh...

Oh!

Arrete! Arrete!

Colin!

Colin!

Non!

Non. Non!

Come back. Come back now!

THEY CHUCKLE

Mm!

How...?

How did he die?

Duck attack.

Oh, my God. Was that the pond
where it happened?

HE LAUGHS

Ball cancer.

Runs in the family, apparently.

I'll check yours if you check mine.

THEY LAUGH

HE SOBS

Thanks for today, Fred.

Fred...

Yeah?

This ain't never
going to happen.

OK?

OK.

SHE SIGHS Relaxed?

Yeah, it's heaven.

Thanks for fixing the bath, baby.

It's... heaven.

You OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Really fine.

Really relaxed.

It's just we're not allowed candles.

- Baby.
- Yeah?

Why did you make Lulu
deliver a stapler

to someone who doesn't exist?

They said there was no-one
that worked there by that name,

and that the name looked suspicious

so they opened it
and there was a stapler in it.

Kate?

Kate?

Ooh...

It's just... if you...

had had sex...

at least once,

then perhaps you would have
got it out of your system, or...

God!

The idea of having sex with Lulu

always has and always will

make my penis want to go
all the way back up inside.

It would be like touching up
a monkey I raised myself.

That's really mean.

Thank you.

What made you worried?

Just...

You know.

Everyone fucks everyone eventually.

But that's just not true.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

You go.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

(Anthony!)

(Oh! Kate!

(Have you got a blanket...

(..or a towel that I could borrow?

(I won't wee on it
or anything, I promise.)

Thanks. THUDDING

- Are you alone?
- Yes.

It's just... we're not
really allowed guests.

I am alone.

Hey, KK!

Hi, Johnny.

Have you got any condoms?

Ow!

Have you got any more?

No.

For God's sake.

THUDDING

KATE AND JOHNNY LAUGH

KATE AND JOHNNY SHOUT

DISTANT GRUNTING AND MOANING

GRUNTING AND MOANING CONTINUES

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