Crashing (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

UKULELE PLAYS

Can you not?

I'm surprising someone in London...

SHE STRUMS UKULELE
♪ Someone needs an orgasm. ♪

Stop being anal, Kate.
It's just a party.

- Please. - No.
- Yes. - No.

- Yes!
- No!
- It's my birthday.

We are not allowed parties.

We will get kicked out.

All right, how is not wanting
to be homeless anal?

Just a small little gathering.
You can invite Jessica for my sex.



I don't want work people
seeing where I live, thanks.

They'll think I'm a squatter.

Look, the whole point
of living in a disused hospital

is to get a girl on a slab.

No, Sam, it's to save money
for a deposit on an actual house.

Oh, yeah, as if that's what
we're all doing here.

Come on, Kate.

WHISPERS: I'll go down on you.

Don't go down on my fiance.
The pigeon's in the shower again.

- It's nice to know he's looking after himself.
- Just throw it over him.

- It's not moving and
it's looking right at me.
- I'll go.

Oh, my God!
I'm going to have to say it.

He's going to say
something terrible.

It's my first birthday
since my dad died.



There, said it.

- What's this?
- He wants a party.

No-one should have to go around
carrying this much grief

and this much semen.

Something bad is bound to happen.

You're unbelievable. I'm an orphan.

- You have a mum.
- She lives south of the river.

Compliment her again
and she'll do it.

You've got really fit hair.

I'm going to be late.

- We're organising a massive treasure
hunt today for a shoe shop.
- Mm.

- Maybe we could do
something like that.
- Oh, you're an angel!

- The pigeon puffs up when it's angry.
- I know, baby.
- You're my hero.

Er, Melody, when you want me,
I am all yours.

Come on, one poke.
Melody, what have I got to do?

- Really? - Yeah.
- Drug me. - Wow.

- And then never tell me.
- Wow. Really?
- Yeah.

'Ladies and gentlemen,
this bus will be terminating

'at London Victoria
in approximately 15 minutes.'

SHE SNORES

SHE SNORES HEAVILY

What the fuck?!

MUTED POUNDING MUSIC

- This place is amazing.
- I know, it's brilliant.
Thanks for taking me.

MUSIC PLAYS

Forgive me, Kate.

It appears you live in a hospital.

Please don't tell anyone at work.
I'm not a squatter, OK? I do pay.

Me and Anthony are just saving
for the wedding and...

- I'm just not a squatter.
- No, no.

Congratulations, by the way.

He cooks a mean curry.

Oh! Thanks!

I still get coy
when he takes his shirt off.

What was your wedding like?

Where are you staying
while your divorce wraps up?

Um...

Still on the sofa.
Cara's moved him in now.

It's, er, a little awkward
in the mornings,

but they're usually in bed
by the time I get back,

which is a small mercy, I suppose.

Oh, God, Colin! There's a spare ward
going here if you need the space.

Thank you. I'll think about it.

Melody!

This is Crying Colin from work...

Colin from work.

He's thinking about
moving into the spare ward.

- Are you poor?
- Um, no. Just...

Lonely?

- Well, I'm going through a divorce.
- So both.

I suppose so, yes.

Do you enjoy living here?

Well, you're not allowed
to have parties, cook meals,

light candles, have sex,
express emotion, claim any rights,

argue if they want to throw you out
with only two days' notice,

or smoke.

It's a riot.

Gosh.

Happy birthday, dude.

Ahh!

Mmm! Stop.

Stop it!

Stop it.

OK, OK, everybody, everybody!

Line up for the treasure hunt.

CHEERING

There are clues
on every floor of the hospital.

Do not change your partner
once you've been allocated one, OK?

- It's going to be...
- Anal!
- ..super fun.

Right. Purnima and...

- Sam!
- ..Harry.

CHEERING

- Jessica, Jessica, Jessica...
- Jessica and...

Sam!

...that unbelievably hot guy.

What? Who even is that?
Who brought that?

Kate, mate, digging the squat.

It's not a squat.

- Melody and...
- Sam!

...Colin.

Anthony...

and...

- Lulu?
- ..me!

No fucking way!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
Look at your stupid face.

Oh, my God, don't say anything!

Oh, my God, you have to meet Kate!

Kate, this is... This is Lulu.

- My Lulu.
- Wow! Lulu!

- Lulu! Oh, it's so great
to finally meet you.
- You, too.

Is that a ukulele? Wow, quirky!

Yeah, thanks. I try really hard.

You must be the brilliant Kate.

My God!

- Ohh!
- Wow, you are gorgeous.

What are you doing
with this shitbag?

Oh, just... You know, just...

Just...

- She totally loves me.
- No, I don't!

- You don't?
- No, I do.

A lot.
I love him so much, I could die.

- Mwah!
- So you're here! Yeah!

Fucking look at you!
I've missed you so much.

Hey! Sugar-tits.

OK, no, don't speak to him.
I grew up with her.

She is Red Zone.
She's basically my sister.

You guys look really similar.

- Yeah, I guess we...
- No, I don't think so.

- So, I'm Sam and I am amazing.
- He's a pervert.

This is Melody. She's a hot frog.

- She's a teacher.
- I'm an artist.

And you've met Kate.
She's really anal.

KATE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
I am not anal.

- Do you all live here?
- We're not friends. We just share a floor.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I dunno.

I've just got to find
somewhere to live

and then I'm just going to be
completely on top of this one.

- Can I dump my stuff?
- Sure, yeah. I'll show you round the wards.

- I'm about to start the treasure hunt.
- We'll just be a couple of secs.

"Sex"!

OK, OK.

Sam and...

Fred.

- Fred? Who's she?
- HE lives with us, you moron.

Hi.

Ohh... Oh, Jesus.

Josh and Vicky.

OK, babycakes, your penis
is a bit of a problem for me.

We're going to have to forget that
exists while we do this, capisce?

- Capisce.
- That's my girl.

OK, everybody, let the...

Let the treasure hunt commence!

CHEERING

What are you doing here, Lu?

- Ah, I missed you.
- Yeah, and...?

Steven kicked me out, so I left
town, did a bit of travelling.

What? Where did you go?

Mainly the Midlands, but I spent
a bit of time in Bristol,

which was really intense.

Out the way, out the way.

Hey, Lulu-licious,
do you want to, er, swap partners?

No way.
You two are perfect for each other.

- Ooh, you're cheeky. I like that.
- Red Zone?

- He's hot.
- No, he's not.

So, this is new.

Yeah, it's my uku-Lulu.

Can you play?

♪ Even though I know
I'm not a lesbian for sure

♪ I sometimes look up lesbian porn

♪ And it really, really, really
gets me off. ♪

Yes!

Er, homeless people.

♪ I sometimes feel bad if they
have scabs on their faces... ♪

- Oh! - What?
- I think my tampon
just came out a bit.

Er, can I do anything?

- Yeah, actually, if you could just...
- Wow, OK.

- I was joking!
- Thank God!
- What were you going to do?

- Help you. I don't know! Eugh.
- Hey...

You would love my vagina.

She really went for it. Wow!

- Boom. Big one. Lift me, princess.
- OK!

Brilliant. This is so much fun.

Hey, we have actually met before,

in the laundry room when you were
stealing that girl's...
- Oh, shit-fit.

"The envelopes on the ceiling
all contain X-rays with the letters
of the alphabet hidden in them.

"Find all the letters
and they will make up the name
of the room the prize is in."

She is so fucking anal. I love her.
Let's go.

- Vault me, vault me!
- Yes, I will!

Ah!

BOTH: W!

- Vault me again, vault me again.
- Yeah!

So I guess go for it.

- Could I just double check the clue?
- No.

She wouldn't have hidden anything
in a toilet.

She's not that kind of person.
Trust me, I work for her.

Let her surprise you.

It's the most attractive thing
a person can do.

So rare to be surprised.

Oh, God. Oh, putain.
I can't believe you just did that!

Neither can I.

I can't feel a clue.

Found it.

The main rule about truth songs
is just to sing with abandon.

Just let go of whatever you're
afraid of admitting to yourself.

Yeah, I really get it.

I really get how it's about
being who you need to want to be,

in a world
where needing to be someone

is more about being
who you think you need to be,

when really, what we all
just need to do is sing...

man.

- You're taking the piss.
- I'm taking the piss, yeah.
- Wow!

You really can't drop it, can you?

- You really can't take a joke, can you?
- Look at you.

- You get so edgy.
- I get...?

Shouldn't you be rubbing up
against someone downstairs by now?

- Say one thing sincerely, I dare you.
- You flirt with me too much.

I'm afraid you have to sing it,
or it doesn't count.

- I'll play.
- No.

You sing, I'll play.

HE STRUMS UKULELE

Do you really think
I flirt with you too much?

Do you wish I didn't?

- Hey! - Hi. - Hey.
- What are you doing?

We're just having a singsong.
Come join us.

Oh! No.

Singing's not really my thing.

Sorry, baby,
we're just catching up.

Yeah, no, you haven't seen
each other for ages.

Hey, it's all getting a bit heated
between Jess...

And that unbelievably hot guy.

- His name is...
- Don't ruin it.

Come on, we've missed enough of this
brilliant treasure-hunt bonanza.

- Who's my partner, baby?
- No!

Stay. Catch up.

It's fine. Too many people anyway.

Hm!

Push harder! Push harder!

Mate, you smell like lychees.
D'you eat a lot of lychees?

Stop making me laugh!

Oh, what the fuck?!

Heeey! Wow, you two look cosy.

I was going to fuck you.

Excuse me?!

I was... going... to... fuck... you.

Oh shit!

Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry,

I guess in that case I should,
I should probably...

You OK?

Stop trying to bum me!

- Excuse me?!
- Fucking bender!

That is not nice.

Yeah, well neither is being sexually
assaulted by a surprise flatmate.

I don't think you're very happy,
mate.

- Don't say "mate".
- You say "babe".

I'm an estate agent.
I'm meant to sound like a twat.

What's your excuse?

Won't Kate be wondering
what you're doing?

She'll just assume I'm smoking.

Fiver says she sniffs
my breath when we go down.

- Supportive(!)
- It's OK. I'll say you were my witness.

Fiver says she'll sniff your cock
if you tell her that.

- God!
- Sorry! But she might as well
have weed on you down there!

Don't, OK? Sometimes you just
take it too far, Lulu.

She'd be well within her
rights to be paranoid

the way you behaved downstairs.

We both know there's nothing
between us, but I won't have you

taking the piss out of her,
all right? Fuck sake!

I mean, you really, really

fell for that
hook, line and sinker.

Oh, my God! You dick!
I can't believe you still get me!

I'm sorry but your face
was hilarious!

Diabetic? That's intense.

- What made you think I was gay?
- You are so gay.

You don't know me at all.
I know when one jumps on my back.

You are so inappropriate!
And you told me to do that!

Are you gay?

Are you?

You're so gay.

I heard about your Dad. I'm sorry.
Yeah.

Mine died too.
I was much younger but...

Hurts, yeah.

Yeah.

(Yeah.

Yeah.

Right, come on treacle, let's go.
Let's win this thing.

Wanking room! How does
she know about my wanking room?

- Waiting room?
- WAITING ROOM!

You are a genius.

I'm sorry I flirt with you too much.

I'm allowed to fancy you though,
doesn't count.

Do you though?

Nah. Used to though.
You can cling to that.

- What's going on here?
- What do you mean?

Now, come on. We have never
been more sober in our lives.

I'm trying to be an adult now, OK?

I actually want to know how
you feel about me.

I don't care about the
shit-storm it could cause.

I don't care about Kate,

I mean, I think she's probably
a lesbian anyway.

I just need you to admit you don't
just flirt with me for kicks.

OK. Just so I
know that I'm not crazy.

Fuck off!

Can you drop it please?
Just for a second.

- You're making me nervous.
- Sit down.

Why do you do it?

- Power?
- Yeah.

But you would never actually kiss me?

I've been trying
since we were 14, baby.

Bullshit. Kiss me, then.

Tease!

Coming from you!

- You kiss me.
- You kiss me.

- You kiss me.
- You kiss me.

Lu, you're kissing me.

I know.

Woah, woah, woah!

You just won't lose, will you?!

- You actually kissed me.
- Yeah, that was...

- You don't actually think
Kate is a lesbian, do you?
- No!

OK. Oh, my God. Lu?

- I'm such a dick.
- I didn't think in a million
years you'd... Lu? Do you?

- It's OK, it's fine,
- I know you can't...

You're serious? Lu, I've been in love
with you... I'm joking, you dick!

Oh right. Course. Touche! Me too.

- Me too.
- Me too.

Good.

I should probably go and sort
this tampon out now.

Yeah. Good.

I am not going on a date with you.

- Why not?
- You'll eat me alive.

Maybe. You might like it.
If we don't try we'll never know.

Don't be a scaredy-cunt.

Oh, that is a horrible word.

That is my favourite word.

Say it, cunt, and let's get dinner.

Cunt! Oh, God protect me.

Magnifique.

The prize is in the waiting room!

Shut that pretty mouth, baby.

Let's go.

Hey guys! Tequila!

I am fun!

Don't be a scaredy-cunt.

I am not anal!

- Baby...
- You say I am not anal!

You are not anal.

And don't think I don't know that
because I make all the fun,

I can't have any of the fun because
I always know where the prize is!

I'm the fun one, OK?

In here, it's all
crazy crazy in here!

Whoo! Look at me!
I am out of control!

Woah!

Sorry. I'm a dick.

It's OK. I know it's because
you're sad, but we are here.

Thank you for my party.
Where's the prize?

(It's in the incubator!)

Come here, pumpkin.

Yeeaaah! Winner, winner!

Where's my baby gurl?

This is for you!

ALL GASP

Argh! Argh! That was horrible!

Head forward, pinch the top.

And who's this guy?

- He's mine.
- Really?!

Thank you. He's unbelievably hot.
See you on Monday.

Slut!

D'accord. Bon soir. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday!
I've had such a lovely night.

So nice to hang out with...

If I throw up in my bed,
I'm gonna sleep in yours, OK?

OK.

- I am going to be sick.
- Yeah?

And then I am going to be
so anal with you.

Whooo!

Welcome to the family, Lu.

Oh, yeah, I think I'm just gonna
find somewhere else to...

No. No! You are staying here.

Because, you are special to him,
so you're special on me.

- Yeah, I think it might be weird.
- Why would it be weird?

- It wouldn't be weird.
- It wouldn't be.

Good! Goooooood.

- Thanks, Kate.
- Pffffft! I'm chill.

So that's cool that...
Yeah, it's gonna be...

- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
- Cool.

Why are you being weird?

He calls her my Lulu.

That's so hot.

Which bit do I pick up
when it rings?

Sorry, is this a joke?

- Hello, Colin.
- Bad!

I think you should live with me.

I think you would like
being painted.

I'll be generous with your penis.

HE CRIES

Hey guys, great work.

Fred, I need to ask you to
step outside.

Where are we going?

Aaaaargh!