Crashing (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

What?

- Just a sec.
- No, baby, no, no, no!

Just do it here. You won't
get back in if you get out now.

Seriously, Anthony, let me go.
It's going to come out on its own.

- No, you have to learn.
- Anthony, I'm going to hit you.

Stay in the bed!

Just put your bum out over the edge
and just let it go.

Please. It's just a fart.

Oh, my God.

It's shy now. Don't look at me.

You're beautiful.



Oh, God.

Excellent.

Wow!

- Was that...?
- Oh, my God. Get out.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God, did you just...?
- Get out, quick! Don't look!

Stop it! Get out!

Baby, it's lino, it's lino!

I can't help you
unless you tell me what happened.

The only significant detail
is that she's annoyed with me

for something that
wasn't in any way my fault.

But it probably was your fault

so why don't you break
a habit of a lifetime and apologise?

- Do you still have
my Frankfurter shirt?
- Yes.

Just say you're sorry.
You don't have to mean it.



- This is really complicated.
- Just turn it inside out.

And you're the one
who can never apologise.

What the hell have you done
to my T-shirt?

My T-shirt.
And I'm always apologising.

Do people really do this
every month?

Can you explain to me what
you are wearing, please?

It's a onesie. It's very chic.

- Tell me what happened.
- You look like a child.

Thank you. Tell me what happened.

What do you mean about me
not apologising...

- Jesus, just turn it inside out!
- OK, OK, OK! OK.

OK.

Just tell me what happened and
I'll tell you if it was your fault.

Come on. I'm getting panicky
in my onesie.

I'm not telling you anything
ever again.

You just end up telling
the whole hospital.

That was a misunderstanding and you
should have apologised like I did,

you arsehole.

I won't take the piss
or tell anyone,

I promise.

She was...

...doing a fart

and it turned into a poo
over the side of the bed.

And she's blaming me because
I wouldn't let her out of the bed

to do the fart.

If you're laughing,
I'm going to suffocate you.

You're laughing... You're laughing!

I'm not laughing!

Give me the corners,
just give me the corners!

..tried to do a poo!

Did you tell management
about your door?

- Management?
- Yeah, when you registered.

Registered?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Please forgive me.

So, it's you.

It's an emergency

and this is
the first time I've done it.

Colin has gone.

To the dentist.

- He'll come back.
- What if he doesn't?

What the hell
am I supposed to paint?

So, this is the sexiest property
we have on our books.

Two beds, one kitchen,
bunch of walls, big window.

And the shower has excellent
pressure. A screaming bargain, mate.

- What about the owners, are they...?
- In Ibiza.

Ooh, a prune. Do you want anything?

No, I'm good.

Hey, thanks for sneaking me in on
a weekend. I really owe you one.

Friend of the little bitch
is a friend of mine.

- Guys.
- Oh, hey.

Hi, hi, hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

This is a nice place!
Is this a nice place?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Smooth, guys.

Whoa, look at this place!

Surfaces and skirting boards
and cupboards and...

an oven!

Can you believe people
actually live like this?

I know, it's super cute, eh?

So...

Lunch?

I really appreciate
you bumping me up. Thank you.

A guardian can fast-track
another guardian.

- It keeps the community-feel strong.
- Indeed.
- Indeed.

OK, you are aware that if
Louise does make a tit of herself,

you will be accountable
for her as her referee?

I am. She will not let me down.

Great. Now, if we could have
all your documents and the deposit.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm afraid we need
the money up front.

I'm afraid I don't have any money.

Well, I need the money now.

There are a lot of people on this
waiting list who do have the money.

Can you hold on
for a couple of hours?

For the money? Yes.

I just want the money and my
superiors want the money very much.

Are you working towards
anything in particular?

Seen any good films recently?

Can you take your top off?

- Why?
- It's just better.

No, sorry,
that wasn't the agreement.

I'm not... That's not...

I'm not comfortable taking my...
being naked.

I understand the whole desexualised
art thing, yes, but I'm just... No.

OK... No.

- D'accord.
- I mean, I know I shouldn't care,
not in this situation,

but, I hate my body and I wish
I had the sort of body confidence

to just drape myself all over
everything, but it's just, well,

it's not like I don't think I'm... No.
- You hate your body?

Of course I do. Everybody does.

Everyone hates your body?

No, I mean...
Well, probably, if they were honest,

I just... I'm not the sort of person
to just, you know, take my top off

and then not care
that my top was off.

I would just never do that.

I'm leaving my bra on.

D'accord.

Ready for me to paint you?

Don't breathe.

Stop hitting yourself, poodle dick!

Can't stop it,
haven't got the energy.

You are out of control.
Stop it, stop it!

You guys are just too funny.

So, how long's
this been on the market, then?

I'd say about 28 years.

I mean,
there's minimal storage space

and there's a couple
of smelly corners,

but it's worth it for
the little willy that comes with it.

- What's on the menu?
- Just a little something
I picked up on my travels.

- He is a really good cook.
- Oh, coolio.

He also buys himself small companies
and makes them stronger

and more commercially viable.
- Well, that's impressive.

- You make it sound like
I work for a charity.
- Oh, yeah, he's a Samaritan

when he's got the spare time.
- Cool.

Stop it! Really.
Makes me sound like a knobber.

Don't tell him about the paper.

- Fred?
- Oh, yeah, he also writes
a column for a financial paper.

And he bakes!

Well, hey,
who doesn't love a home-made bun?

Not big on carbs actually, myself.

- Hey, shitty tits, get my bag.
- OK.

Don't say anything inappropriate.

- Get your cock out.
- What?

I heard that!

It was a test!

You passed.

Just.

All right, you muckers, grub's up.

- OK. Ready?
- Yeah.

- No leaving the room.
- Deal.

- In. Charm. Get the money. Out.
- Easy.

We're going to nail it.

- Just don't drink...
- ..the Golden Goo. I know.

- Lulu!
- Aunt Gladys!

You are a vision.

And Anthony, what a treat!

Little pressie!

Well, come on in, you two.
I have drinks to drown you in.

So, you going to put an offer in?

I'll think about it, sure.

Hey, have you got a second?

- Like, now?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, man.

It's not cool how you talk to Fred.

Calling him "bitch" and
"pencil prick" and "freaky tits".

I'm not a gaping arsehole -
I know it's just for laughs -

but that sort of language
is actually pretty...

insidious.

I just think you should
just dial it down a bit,

before it starts making a dent.

You're a smart guy,
you know what I mean.

Shit, I'm sorry.
Yeah, of course. I've never...

- Never thought of it like that.
- Thanks, man.

- I knew you'd get it.
- Sure.

Everyone happy?

Never happier, cummy bum.

- Home time?
- OK.

This one is a real goer.

I found it on the Silk Road.

In Asia?

No, no, no.

It's a dark internet.

Awful place,
all sorts of things for sale,

but the occasional delight.

- Sip it.
- Ooh, no, thanks.

- Sip it.
- We really can't stay long.

Oh, please sip it, darling. I'm just
so touched you popped round.

No-one ever just pops round
for no reason these days.

Sure.

- I was actually going to
ask you for something...
- Don't say money.

Please.

I couldn't bear it.

And ten for ten more years
of life ahead. Chin-chin!

Oh, OK!

Now, that has to be the last one,
you naughty thing, you.

Darling, what IS this
that you're wearing?!

It's ridiculous.

It's a onesie.

It's divine!
But where does it open?!

How does one get in?!
Isn't it a nightmare to get it off?

Nope. No, I've got the knack.

Honestly I can have
it off in seconds, auntie.

Are these little poppers?

So yeah, what's...
What's up with me?

I'm working in a restaurant.

- So are you finally
in a relationship?
- Well, yeah...

Lulu always said you would
end up together.

Living together.

End up LMNG together.

Oh. Have I said a whoopsie?

Oh, never mind!

- I have actually met someone.
- Oh.

- We're engaged.
- Oh! How lovely!

What does she look like?
Is she a curvy girl?

- No. She's slim.
- Is she? Sticky little thing, is she?

Petite? Is she a tiny little thing?

She's very... smart.

So is she a porker, then?

Oh, lovely!

Oh, darling, this outfit!

I simply love it!

Listen, auntie, we really...

My best friend died this morning.

- Where is the toilet again?
- Ah, yes.

It's at the very, very, very,
very top of the stairs.

- You might be some time.
- Yup.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling. You two will
come to each other eventually.

Can I borrow some money?

It's just...
you go through your whole life...

...and then you shit
on your boyfriend's floor.

Did he like it?

You never know.
Everyone finds something weird sexy.

What do you find sexy?

I can hardly remember why
I've got a vagina.

- You guys don't have sex?
- No, we do, just...

the downstairs response is...

rare and very specifically prompted.

What do you think it wants?

- Well...
- What do you want?!

Jesus!

Let's see if she gets back to us.

Do you like sex?

Silly question.

Is it?

Are you all right?

- Do you have a toilet
she could use, please?
- Hmm.

She won't be long.

No, no, no, no.

Ah!

Argh! Let me out!

Ah!

Oh, fuck.

Excuse me.

Hi. Yeah.

OK. Bye.

Excuse me.

- Why do you want to be
a property guardian?
- Yes.

OK. Have you got the money?
The deposit?

Do you take cash?

Any money.
Just the money would be great.

Just give him the money, Lu.

I don't trust him.

Great. Thank you for joining
the guardian programme.

You seem like the perfect candidate.

You're so beautiful.

Oui.

How are you so confident?

Well, it's not useful to anyone
for me to be ashamed of myself.

They want us to hate our bodies.

It's how they control us.

- Oh, my God.
- Super!

Oh, fuck off, they're amazing!

I'm even more depressed
than ever now!

Do you really like Colin?

- Of course.
- Why?

Because he's given up.

And that's attractive to you?

Oui.

He just wants to be
small and good and...

because of that he is huge
and beautiful.

Everyone wants to be big.

It's bullshit.

And he won't fuck me.
Which I love.

Why do you like Anthony?

- Have you got any more wine?
- Oui.

Have you got any more paint?

Yo, titty-face, what are you doing?

Do you wanna give me a massage?

I got your special ice cream.

Hey.

Oh, hey!

Hey! We're watching Blue Planet!
The whales are extraordinary.

The whales are extraordinary.

Oh, they're powerful creatures.

- Fred are you eating
normal ice cream?
- Hmm?

He shouldn't be eating
normal ice cream.

I've got him the sugar-free variety.

- I've got quite a few friends
who are diabetic so...
- Sure.

So I know where to get the good
stuff. Do you want to try some?

Nah, no. That stuff's just
a little less creamy.

Hey, Sam. You wanna join?

What was that?!

- Don't worry,
I'll find out what that is!
- Stand back,
I'll make sure we're safe!

That's not a danger scream.

That's a jovial scream.

Please don't tell her I'm smoking.
She doesn't show me her body.

Because of the secret willy
she hides in the crease?

If it was only that simple.

She gets undressed under the duvet
and she farts in the hall.

- You've always farted in bed.
- I'm farting while I'm saying this.

I just wish she'd let go a bit, you
know, laugh at herself a bit.

Just wish she was more...

That really smells, doesn't it?

- That's the most disgusting thing
I've ever tasted.
- Thank you!

I am sorry that I didn't say
sorry about accusing you of trying

to fuck Sam.

I can fuck who I like.

- No, you can't.
I have to have approval.
- Fuck you!

- Fuck you!
- No, really, fuck you.

- Can we stay up all night and
get really drunk together, please?
- Yes!

- You know what the greatest
tragedy about us is?
- My nose?

No.

- That you'd make a much better girl
and I'd make a much better boy?
- No.

You never know when
to shut up, do you?

Whoa! Party!

Shit. Kate's going to flip!

Whoo! What are they doing?!

MUSIC: Crazy Rhythms by The Feelies

- Baby!
- Why are you topless?!

I'm being free.
Why are you?!

Why aren't we all?!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Come on!

Argh!

You did not just do that.

Stop making me bum you!

Colin!

Naughty Colin!

No!

Colin! You come back now!

Colin!

Whoa!
Careful!

- Where have you been?
- The dentist!

All day?
What is wrong with your mouth?

Were you watching Cara
and Brian shopping again?

No! Yes! It's OK!

I gave Cara my house keys back
and told her to budgie off.

I can't believe this is my home.

You are... one of us now.

Yes, I suppose I am.

Colin!

Good evening.

Thank you. Put this on.

No! They are my boobs and
they want to see the world.

They can see the
world of the showers.

Oh!

I wanna stay!

No, no, please!

Argh!

Hey, I know you've been
grieving your father,

and that can sometimes make you
act a little bit...

You're a bit of a prick, aren't you?

Yep.

- Don't you like it?
- No.

Not at all.

That's a shame.
Cos my little bitch loves it.

Don't push me, Sam.

Uh-uh.

Just don't.

Wanna fuck?

I'm not allowed to.

- Wanna fuck?
- Yeah.

- OK. I'm just gonna pee first.
- Sure.

I've heard things about you.

Yeah, well, I've heard
things about you, too.

I've heard you can't poo
unless you are completely naked.

- I heard you thought Germany
was a continent.

Anthony's not gonna like this.

Anthony's not
going to know about this!

What happened?

I shat on the floor
and I grew some tits.

I shouldn't have
made you fart in bed.

Sh, I love you.

- Huh?
- I love you. Shhh...

Oh, I...

Shh. I know you do.

OK.

Shh.

Baby...

Yeah?

I think I've been pretending.

What? Orgasms?

Come on, I thought we'd nailed that.
With the crying and the...

No. Pretending to...

What?

Pretending to be in love with you.

Pretending to be jealous.

Pretending to find you funny.

Pretending to love you.

Sorry.

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