Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 8 - This One's for Me - full transcript

Just a heads-up--

starting tomorrow, my bar
will be closed for a week.

Did someone finally get sick
from eating the food?

Or is it smelling the food?

I think the smell is worse
than the taste.

My bar is clean, okay?

This is just
some routine maintenance.

The place is
crawling with bugs.

It's just some termites.

Jules, seriously?
I told you that in confidence.

Are you sure you didn't tell me
with confidence?



[ Firmly ]
"I have termites."

Have I ever said anything to you
in secret

that you didn't immediately
tell everyone?

Hmm? I think I have my answer.
Thanks.

Oh, well, you're welcome, babe.

If bug boy's bar is gonna
get circus-tented,

who's gonna pour our drinks?

Hey, guys.

Tom...

- hold and pour.
- [ Wine pouring ]

Mm.

You know it's 9:00 AM, right?

Already? Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

_



Why does Grayson have a picture
of P!nk on his bathroom mirror?

- 'Cause he's trying to get her abs.
- Mm.

Were you snooping up there?

- That's preposterous.
- You were.

You only talk like the queen
when you're hiding something.

- Beg pardon, milady?
- Mm.

Hey, guys.

Wow.
Jelly, you look ridiculous.

Is this a gift for me?
I love it.

No, it was a gift for me
from my Uncle Doug,

whose passion
for fine women's clothing

made him an expert tailor--
and also ruined his marriage.

Jules, my giant thing
of sprinkles

is missing from my shop again.
Did you take it?

[ Cockney accent ]
I beg your pardon, milady?

[ Normal voice ]
Sorry.

Sometimes I like to
pour it in my wine

and pretend it's my birthday.

Look at you, Jelly.

Wardrobe-matched baby
on one arm,

big tub of sprinkles
in the other.

You look white trash enough
to be Kid Rock's mom.

I don't even wanna tell you

how many ways that is
super disturbing.

So why were you
snooping anyway?

Are you eating
sprinkles and wine

- like some sort of new hobo cereal?
- [ Door closes ]

- Want some?
- What I wanna know

is why Grayson has been leaving

at 9:00 AM
every day this week

with no mention
of where he's going,

carrying a weird duffel bag,

and then returning
three hours later

looking strangely happy.

How have I not noticed that?

Who can know, really?

- [ Door opens and closes ]
- But it's been three hours. Take note.

[ Chuckles ]
Hey, guys. Great day, huh?

That is strange.

You ever think there's a termite
that's like,

"Guys, why are we eating wood?
Wood sucks.

Let's eat food."

Are you working on
your stand-up act?

Nah. Just chitchattin'.

Unless that was gold. Was that
gold? I think that was gold.

Fellas!
Just got a belated baby present.

A few of the old co-workers
from Coffee Bucks chipped in,

- got me this gift card.
- Oh, that was generous,

considering you were
lazy, obnoxious,

and your coffee drinks
tasted like roast dirt.

- Yeah, but they never had bugs.
- Dude, that is low.

This is not a gift card.
It's a bank card.

You can use this anywhere.

For $300! Wow!

- Yeah, Laurie's gonna be stoked.
- W-- Trav.

Your old co-workers just
gave you a $300 gift

that Laurie doesn't know about,

has no way
of ever hearing about,

and you're house gonna hand it
over to her

for diapers and butt wipes?

Seems to me
that you're the butt wipe.

Once again, it's time for me
to take you by the hand

- and guide you to the ways of--
- Don't hold my hand.

No one ever wants to hold hands
around here!

Hey, is Jules here?
I'm missing a bag of frosting.

I'm sure she's enjoying
a big glass of frosting wine.

Are you seriously
dressed alike again?

Well, when we saw

how much you enjoyed our outfits
the other day,

I went out and bought, like,
50 more.

Baby B and I are gonna be
all match, all the time.

We're even wearing
the same unisex cologne--

"Both" by Bruce Jenner.

You can't decorate your child
to match you.

It's a baby, not an accessory.

Or is it both?

You think you're being
super clever?

- You're being super annoying.
- Or--

- Don't!
- Am I?

Stop it.

Both.

[ Gasps ]
I...

Trav,
in every happy relationship,

there is one common element--

a woman who gets what she wants
when she wants it

all the time without exception.

Well, that doesn't
sound happy to me.

Well, that's because
you're young and stupid,

but I'm here to help.

In every
relationship disagreement,

there are
two possible outcomes.

One-- the woman wins,
and there's harmony.

Two-- the man wins, and there
appears to be harmony,

but in reality, the woman
secretly resents that win.

Then I saw the light--

everything's better
when the woman always wins.

- So the man never wins?
- Well, he can win,

but he has to do it
in the shadows

with silent victories.

[ Whispers ]
Secret treats.

[ Normal voice ]
I love marshmallows,

but Ellie
won't let me have them.

So what do I do?

Fine. What do you do?

I keep
secret marshmallow stashes--

in my house, in my car,
all over town.

Always close enough to grab
whenever I want one.

Right now you could just
reach out and...

That's harmony--
a woman who always wins

and a man who doesn't mind
because he has...

[ Whispers ]
...secret treats.

Okay, you don't have to
keep whispering it.

I know. I like to.

There must be something
you want,

something she doesn't
want you to have.

Go get it. She won't know.
Everyone wins.

You did it!

I've wanted this for months,
but Laurie hates video games.

Come on! Let's go to your house
and play.

My house? Are you crazy?
Ellie can't see me playing this.

We can't play at my house.

So I just
indirectly lied to Laurie

and blew my gift card
on a treat I can't enjoy?

Well, see ya.

- Hey, babe. [ Chuckles ]
- Hi. Where you been?

Oh, just out running some
errands, met the exterminators.

Boring stuff. Hmm.

[ Lowered voice ]
Right on time.

Yeah, and he's all happy
and smiley.

It's not like him.

It's all a bit strange.

I-I need to prep.

I got totally slammed by
the happy hour rush yesterday.

All right,
when he comes back down,

I'm gonna get to the bottom
of this.

- [ Descending footsteps ]
- [ Gasps ] My husband! Yay!

- My wife! Cool! [ Chuckles ]
- [ Chuckles ]

Hey, I have to run to the bar
for a few things

before they fumigate.

I'll be back in a bit.
Love you.

Uh, hey, babe?

You know,
when you've been coming home

from your daily errands,
you seem really happy.

Of course I'm happy.
I'm married to you.

Aw.
[ Giggles ]

Dang it! He threw me off
the trail.

- [ Door closes ]
- World's worst detective.

Fortunately, you have me.

Ellie, what are you doing?

- W--
- No, no, no. We can't.

Yes, I am dying to know
what's in that bag,

but it is more important for me
to trust my husband

and respect his boundaries.

Are you sure about that?

Look down.

Aw, hands.
[ Clicks tongue ]

What are you doing?!

- Ellie, I'm not gonna go
through Grayson's bag. - Again, hands.

Uh, seriously, they just do
whatever they want.

Gold chain.

Black gloves.

Weird paper
in the shape of money.

I thought there'd be some
gay stag film he did in college,

- or... a gun.
- [ Material rustling ]

This is boring.

At least none of these
are weird sex things.

- Uh, two of them can be.
- Which one?

No, I don't wanna know.

The fedora, right?

If you really wanna know
what he's doing...

1100 Ocean Street.

6:00 PM.

Bingo. Case closed.

Actually, it-- it's not.
It's very open.

That's what I meant.
Case wide open.

I've gotta go. All this stupid's
giving me a headache.

If that backpack is
from your dad's boat,

one of the pockets may be filled
with snake eggs.

We need to talk about... this.

Have you lost your mind?
What if Ellie sees that here?

- Is she here?
- No!

- Then how would she know?
- This is her lair.

Anything's off,
she'll sniff it out.

Last week, just as I was
about to click "Buy"

on a full 5-season DVD set
of "Charles In Charge,"

she texted me "Don't."

All right, well, if I can't
play this anywhere,

I might as well return it.

No, you can't give up now.

This is your...
secret treat.

[ Mouth full ] We gotta find
a place to play.

- What about Tom's house?
- No.

The last time I walked in his
garage, he was wearing a kimono,

eating sushi off the body
of a female mannequin.

[ Gasps ] I got it!
I know where we can play!

Oh. So you're heading to
Grayson's mystery address.

What do you think it is?
Fight club? Sex club?

Maybe it's both.

Maybe it's fight-sex club
or a sex-fight club.

- What's the difference?
- One has fight sex

and the other one
has sex fights.

Whatever it is, I'm covered.

I got, uh,
two bottles of Gatorade,

can of Mace, and my best bra.

Oh, it does sound like
you have it covered.

Uh, one nutty Pinot.

Oh, tip him a dollar.
It's worth it.

[ Sighs ]

♪ tip tip hooray!
tip tip hooray! ♪

♪ your generosity
just made my day ♪

♪ so drink your wi-- ♪

- [ Door closes ]
- [ High-pitched voice ] What up, y'all?

Okay, that's officially
child abuse.

I mean, skankify yourself
if you must,

but please,
don't skankify a baby.

Jules, tell her how this looks.

They're so adorable.

I just wanna gobble them both up
right now.

What? Yesterday when you saw it,
you went, "Wow."

"Wow, they are so adorable,

I wanna gobble them up
right now."

Okay, I gotta go to
a sex-fight club.

Oh! Cheetah's?

I thought that burned down
in the thong fire of '07.

- Hmm.
- I am not good

at choosing the people
I hang out with.

What, babe?

Ugh.

[ Whispers ]
Tom!

I need you to hook me up
with some... protection.

Are we talking condoms or guns?

No. I need...
You have guns?

I don't know.
You have money?

Hi.

- Hello.
- Oh.

Um, I'm here to, um...

Well... I actually don't know
why I'm here.

You're looking
to have some fun,

maybe get out
of your comfort zone?

Um... o-okay. Sure.

First time? Mm.

The first time is the best.

[ Under breath ]
Oh, God.

- [ Beep ]
- [ Laser shooting sounds ]

[ Muffled voice ]
Stick with me, kid.

I'll take you places.

- Well, hello, Jelly.
- [ Gasps ]

No way.

Yeah, I'm just out for a walk
with my child,

who's dressed exactly like me,
to show you how dumb it looks.

This is how dumb you look.

What do ya think?

- I love it.
- What?

No, you don't. You can't.
It's ridiculous.

More like ridonkulous.

Jelly, there are many things
that I hate--

vegans, craft fairs,

vaping, home births--

people who say "Hashtag."

I hate that.
Girls named Keegan...

I had a foster sister
named Keegan who was vegan...

until she got rabies,

and then she craved
the taste of fresh, raw cow.

Your stories.

But what I hate most of all

are parents who dress their
children exactly like them.

It's like nails on a chalkboard,

but then the chalkboard is
beating me over the head.

Please, please stop it.

[ Clenches teeth ]
I'm asking you nicely!

I had no idea
that you felt this way.

Of course I could stop it...

if it wasn't so adorable.

I mean, look at us!
Twinsies! Twins times two!

Double trouble doubled.

Ooh, I see you.
Get out that camera phone.

- Come on, click some pics!
- [ Camera shutters clicking ]

[ Singsongy ]
Hey! #samesies!

[ Sighs deeply ] There's
some strange people here,

but no one who looks like
they're into sex fighting.

Okay, one guy.

Ah. Grayson, what are you into?!

Man: [ Amplified voice ]
Ladies and gentlemen...

Please don't sacrifice
an animal.

We know why you're here.

We have what you want.
So brace yourselves...

for the sauciest comedy troupe
this side of Nokomis--

The Riga-Tonys!

[ Piano plays fanfare ]
Hi! Hiya!

- [ Cheers and applause ]
- Oh! There you are!

- Hey!
- 2, 3, 4!

♪ we're the Riga-Tonys ♪
♪ and it's no baloney ♪

♪ we like jokes and pratfalls ♪

♪ 'cause we're a bunch
of meatballs ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Seriously?

Ugh.

Hey, how was the, uh,
sex-fight/fight-sex club?

It was even weirder
than I thought.

Was it anything like

"Eyes Wide Shut"
meets "Mortal Kombat"?

That's how I picture it.

Yah!

♪ ohh ♪

Mm.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Interesting night.

Yep, yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
It was.

Valet parking's
really expensive.

Yeah, that's why I prefer
to self-park.

I can't believe
you've been lying to me.

Me? I can't believe you.

Trailing me all over town,

- spying on me.
- I have not been trailing you.

I've been going through
your private things

when you're not here.

That may be worse.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?

I tell you everything--

My ATM code,
why I'm scared of mannequins.

I even tell you about my dream
that I'm marrying Travis.

I know.
I keep asking you to stop.

Well, someone has to know
how beautiful the ceremony was.

Uh, slow night tonight.
[ Whistling ]

You can apologize anytime,
okay? I'm waiting.

Oh. Well...
[ Chuckles ]

you may be waiting a while,
okay?

If you think I'm more
in the wrong here than you are,

I have nothing else to say.

Well, if you think
that I'm not more...

in the wrong
waiting... here...

bad!

Great. I'm done.

Done! I'm great!

Tom.

[ Gasps ]

Oh. There you go.

You'd think as a surgeon
I'd be better at this.

Ellie: - What is happening?
Laurie: - Hey.

You like it?

Is this one of those
"What Would You Do?" news shows?

'Cause if so,
the answer's mass murder.

I tweeted out to
all my larmy peeps

to declare today

parent-kid dress-alike day
in Gulfhaven.

#parent-kid-samesies-day,
obvi.

It's horrible!

It's like a bunch of twins,

except one twin got
all the placenta,

and the other twin didn't
and stayed really tiny.

That happened
to two of my cousins.

The tiny one does porn now.

Of course she does.

We were cooking today.

[ Door opens ]

Oh, hey, babe.

- How was your day?
- Completely normal.

Left this morning,

made three work deliveries,
gassed up, hit the car wash,

stopped for a sandwich--
roast beef on toasted wheat--

made six more deliveries,

an impromptu stop
for a fun-size candy bar,

then I came home. You?

It was good.

I mean, not as detailed as that,
but good.

Ohh, I'm starving.
You wanna grab some food?

Oh, no. I'm still full from
the roast beef on toasted wheat

and the impromptu
fun-size candy bar.

But... thanks.

- [ Cell phone ringing ]
- Is that your phone?

Nah.

It seems like it's coming from
over there.

- [ Ring ]
- From... inside the vent?

[ Laughs ]
Laurie

- that's...
- [ Ring ]

That's crazy. I mean...

[ Cell phone vibrating ]

You know what? I guess
I could eat again. Pizza?

[ Ring ]

- You're in my way.
- And you're in mine.

- So move.
- You move.

I'll move when you apologize
for lying.

I'll apologize
when you apologize

for invading my privacy.

- I'm not apologizing first.
- [ Sets down pitcher ]

Well, then I guess
we'll just stand here.

Great.
I can do this all day.

[ Chuckles ]
I hope we do.

There is a lot of anger
between us.

I feel it, too.

And it is turning me on
big-time.

- Ditto that.
- Oh!

[ Both moaning ]

Okay, wait. Is this undermining
the fact that I'm mad at you?

- Tremendously.
- Ugh.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Babe, I am so sorry
for not being honest with you.

Well, I'm sorry
for not trusting you.

[ Sighs ]
Look, Jules,

I'm in a comedy troupe.

There it is--
my humiliating secret.

Well, that's not that bad.

I thought you were
in a sex-fight club

or a-a fight-sex club.

What's the difference?

I don't know.
I thought you could explain.

I have no idea.

Look, Jules,
I'm a guy who loves acting.

I mean, I know the Riga-Tony's
are corny and dumb,

but it's fun.

We make people happy.
It makes me happy.

Well, why didn't you
just tell me?

Well, because I can't enjoy it
if I'm being mocked and teased

by our entire group.

I wanted to trust you
with my secret, Jules.

I just wasn't sure I could.

I'm sorry. It's...

Andy convinced me
women always win,

and the only way
to stay happy is...

[ Whispers ]
...secret treats.

Why do you whisper it?

I still don't know.

Are you completely furious
with me?

No, I'm not furious.
I mean, I'm a little annoyed,

but not because you bought
a PlayStation--

because you felt like
you had to hide it from me.

You think video games
are stupid. I just figured--

Babe, I think most everything
that you love is stupid.

But if it makes you happy,
I'm cool with it.

I did not judge
this situation well at all.

Well, you were taking advice

from a guy who eats
stale marshmallows

that he's stashed all over town

because he's so terrified
of his wife.

You know about that?

Everybody knows about that.
Ellie thinks it's hilarious.

Is there anything I can do
to make it up to you?

There is one thing.

It might be a little...
dangerous.

- Whoo!
- [ Laser shooting sounds ]

[ Muffled voice ] Missile
to the head! Suck on that!

[ Muffled voice ] Careful!
Trash talk fogs up the mask.

You be careful, or I'm gonna...

Oh, wait. I'm in a swamp.
What's happening?

Laurie found out?

Did she yell until
it set off a car alarm?

Give you a look so cold you
started having war flashbacks,

despite never having been
near a war?

Is that stuff Ellie's done?

I don't wanna talk about it!

So what did Laurie do?

Asked to play.

It was great.

Are you okay?

Of course. I have my...

[ Mouth full ]
secret treats.

Ellie: I guess I could move.

I don't really have any ties
to this town.

Hey, would you babysit
Baby Bobby tonight

so Travis and I can go out?

What do you think?

I think that you shouldn't have
told me your Kryptonite,

because I can make this happen
anytime, here...

or here.

Hey, guys.

- Ah! Trav, twinsies!
- Hey!

Just like we did
when you were a teenager.

Are you referring to how
you would buy all my clothes

from the women's department,
get yourself a matching set,

then wait to see
what I would wear every day

so you could wear
the same thing?

- Twinsies!
- [ Laughs ]

Drop the baby off
before you go out.

Done! And you know what?

I'm gonna stop twinsing
with Baby B.

I'm kinda over it.
I'm into exotic pets now.

- [ Screeches ]
- It's a baby fox.

- Aw! Can I pet it?
- No, I wouldn't. It's a wild animal.

All right. That's okay.
I gotta go anyway.

- Where to?
- Ah, just some boring errands.

- [ Screeches ]
- Gotta pick up the dry cleaning,

get some plant food,
um... tax document, so...

That's odd, you know,

considering you picked up
your dry cleaning yesterday

and your houseplants are fake.

And that tax document--

What's it for,
your LLC or personal?

It's, uh, LLC-3PO.
So see you, guys.

George Ezra: ♪ give me one good
reason why I should never... ♪

Oh, whatsamatta with me?

Whatsamatta with you?

- [ Laughter ]
- Ey! Nothingsamatta with me.

I wanna know whatsamatta
with them!

- Hey!
- Ey!

Don't point!
Whatsamatta with you?

Whoa!
Well, whatsamatta with them?!

All: Ohh!

Whatsamatta with you?!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughing ]

I don't understand any of this,
but I love it.

♪ my house in Budapest ♪

♪ my beautiful castillo ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'd leave it all ♪

So I got a great story
about my friend.

Oh, yeah?
What's his name?

Fuhgeddaboutit!

All right.
Then we'll go then.

Where's you goin'?!

Are you gonna tell a story
or not?!

- I'm try to!
- [ Laughter ]

So my friend Fuhgeddaboutit...

[ Laughs ]

he's datin' this girl...
Getthehellouttahere.

[ All shouting at once ]

Ohh! I'm trying to
tell a story here!

[ Babbles ]