Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Wild One, Forever - full transcript
A hurricane floods a local high school gym; Jules volunteers Gray's Pub as a venue for their prom.
Okay, we're all boarded up
for the storm.
- [ Thunderclap ]
- Ah! And it looks great.
I am loving
all the new artwork, Jules.
Thanks. I thought I'd make
hurricane prep fun.
That one's my favorite.
It's like Tom is right here.
Tom: I am!
It's pretty nasty out here! Aah!
Grayson: - Whoa!
Andy: - Oh, ho ho!
Oh, that wind is vicious.
Yeah, but not as bad
as the grocery store.
There was only one pack
of toilet paper left,
and me and this crazed housewife
reached for it at the same time.
Tell me
you took that bitch down.
[ Wind whistling ]
- Ha!
- [ Claps hands ]
Still... I feel like
there's something missing.
Are you perhaps looking for...
these?
- Ohh!
- Aah!
Yeah!
You are almost sexy right now.
I mean, seriously?
I got bit.
Mmm.
_
Jules: Ugh.
That was a wild night,
but we made it through.
And nobody behaved badly expect
for everything that Jelly did.
I warned you guys--
when I fear for my life,
I kick and scream and yell
and I tell people exactly what
I think about them.
Still, I am sorry
for everything that I said.
And did.
- I'd be mad if I wasn't so impressed.
- Ugh.
How is the damage out there?
Well, it looks like we lost
a tree
and gained a new patio set!
Score!
You're holding hands?
What, is the world ending?
No, it's just all the chaos
and destruction in town
makes me feel romantic.
If we had walked over
a power line,
Andy might've gotten lucky
right there and then.
Ooh!
[ Laughs ]
Wow, sounds like
the power's still out
almost everywhere in town.
A pipe burst and flooded
the gym at the high school,
and they were having
their prom tonight.
So I called the school
and I said,
"Prom's on tonight,
free of charge,
right here at Gray's pub."
- [ Laughs ]
- Yeah.
Laugh it up.
I have to close the bar early
and fill it with streamers
and balloons
for a bunch of kids who aren't
paying a dime.
- It's so funny.
- Sucks to be you right now.
It does.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, Jules, is there a small
detail you might've left out?
I signed us all up
as chaperones.
Oh. They don't seem
very excited.
I'm sure they'll be better
when they realize
they can just stand around
and drink all night.
- Oh. Well...
- Oh! They can't!
Because the high school's
making me take all the liquor
out of my bar for the night!
- It'll be fun?
- I will kill you.
This whole prom idea
is so lame, right?
Well, it depends on
who you were in high school--
a pasty young dork
with more zits than friends,
or a dashing babehound
with dance moves so smooth
they almost sent a teacher
to jail.
Mrs. Pritchett loved my dancing
so much
that she asked me over to
give her a dance lesson. Hmm.
I wasn't ready to do the kind of
dancing she wanted to do.
Wow. High school me
would've hated high school you.
If we're doing this,
we should do it right.
Chaperones are
prom secret service.
It's like I keep trying to tell
you, Boo-- stop talking to me.
Look, tonight won't be so bad.
All we have to do
is stand around.
I'm gonna act like I did
at my own prom--
I'll be aloof and above it all
and judge everyone.
- You'll seem different, but not.
- Yeah.
Guys, none of us are gonna
take this that seriously--
I now take that back.
[ To tune of "Bridal Chorus" ]
♪ prom, prom, prom-prom ♪
♪ prom, prom, prom-prom ♪
[ Gasps ]
Prom!
Yikes.
Dudes. Weak.
How come I'm the only one
who's in the prom spirit?
'Cause you're the only one
insane enough
to think that we're gonna
jump aboard your crazy train.
Ellie, I caught some of that,
and I don't think I liked it.
You know what sucks?
The fact that I'm the only one
that is weird enough
and goofy enough to take this
as a chance
for us all to have a little fun
ourselves.
That's what sucks.
- [ Door opens and closes ]
- O... M...
Gigi freakin' Fernández!
[ Both giggle ]
My baby has no shot
at a normal life.
♪ Prom-prom-prom, prom
prom-prom-prom, prom, prom ♪
I think it's sweet.
The car's out front
when you're ready.
Aah! Oh!
[ Giggles ]
You're welcome.
We're so glad you came.
Now go get crazy! It's prom!
Whoo! Prom!
If these kids get half as crazy
as I did at my prom...
Tell me about it. The things
that went down at my prom...
♪♪
Please don't get pregnant!
Sometimes "I love you" is just
a trick to get your dress off!
[ Sighs ]
Laurie, you know,
I thought I'd be the only one
getting dressed up.
But then there you walk in,
looking amazing.
A little slutty,
but mostly amazing.
You, too. When I walked in
and I saw you in this dress,
I was like, "Ah! Soul mates!"
You know, since the day we met,
I spent most of
my craziest times with you.
Oh! Like the time we broke
all the penises off the statues?
- [ Laughs ]
- Or when we went bar hopping
and we stole
that scary cop's gun?
[ Gasps ] Or when we broke into
Tom's house
and we locked his girlfriend
in the closet?
Wow.
We sound totally insane
when you string 'em
all together.
You ready for another
crazy adventure?
The crazier, the better!
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]
So, like, normally,
this is the moment
where I would pound my drink and
then smash it against the wall,
but I'm kind of at a loss here.
- Would these help?
- [ Gasps ]
Soul mates!
Party in the bathroom stall,
y'all!
Oh! Isn't it great that
you can still get crazy
when you're a mom?
It's time to put
the popular girls
in their place.
Hey, catty cheerleaders,
you want some real gossip?
Your jock boyfriends are
all in love with each other.
Ellie, I am trying to focus
on my job.
Me, too. You think this
dumb prom's gonna mock itself?
Prom is not dumb!
It's a beautiful night
of magic and wonder.
And sometimes, a poor kid's life
is destroyed forever.
But that won't happen here.
Oh, no! Not on my watch!
It sounds like you're
working through some stuff.
I'm gonna leave you to it.
And I gotta get back
to my thang.
Hey, bet you 5 bucks
that 5 years from now,
that condom will still
be in your pocket.
You get it.
He's not gonna ever use it.
It's not that heavy.
Do I need to make fun
of "Star Wars" or something
- to summon your angry nerd strength?
- I'm fine.
[ Strained voice ] And anyone
who makes fun of "Star Wars"
is just revealing their own
cinematic ignorance.
- [ Chuckles ] Nerd speak.
- Whoa.
I don't remember having that
in my storeroom.
Yo, guys. What's going on?
[ Chuckles ]
Why aren't you
out at the party?
- The thing is...
- We're in a weird situation.
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
I get it, fellas.
It's okay.
I mean, look, you're 17.
Life's crazy right now,
and the one thing you can really
count on is your best friend.
It's natural to kiss a little.
You know, just see
if it feel all right.
Dude!
We're not gay. We didn't kiss.
Uh, duh!
[ Laughs ]
I did not kiss my best friend
in high school either.
At all. Ever.
We are always pulling back
a strange new layer on you,
aren't we?
This is just the greatest night!
Isn't it, Laurie?
[ Drowners' "A Button
On Your Blouse" playing ]
How long have we been
holding hands?
Huh. Wasn't that fun?
[ Chuckles ]
Why don't you go spend some time
with your friends now?
[ Gasps ]
These kids are so happy.
They even gave me
a nickname--
"That lady who saved prom."
[ Laughs ]
I even made a love connection.
I found a lonely guy
and a lonely girl,
I put 'em together...
and now they're dancing.
It's a weird dance.
It's like they're trying
to smother a fire
between their crotch.
So what have you been doing
since I lost you?
Gettin' crazy?
Yeah. No, I mean, I was.
But then I remembered that
I left my purse over here
so I came to find it.
That's the end of the story.
Hey, it's early.
Let's go have some fun.
Go without me because I need
to catch my breath
after all the...
purse excitement.
No way! We're a team!
Also, you may have to rescue me
in case anyone pulls me into
a dance circle.
That is my biggest fear.
Well, that and... [ Whispers ] clowns.
What about a dance circle
made up of clowns?
Ooh.
♪ why don't you just
come around ♪
♪ and undo another button
on your blouse? ♪
Boy: [ In distance ]
It's going down.
At 11:00 sharp,
we shank the dork.
♪ I hate the thought of
you missing out ♪
Who-- who said that?!
No.
Oh, please, no.
So what's going on?
All right, so there's
this girl here tonight
- that I really like.
- Same with me.
Oh, that's great!
Perfect wingman situation.
Two bros, two babes--
Yeah, it's the same girl.
Ohh, that is less great.
Her name's Kim.
She's new at our school.
I'm really into her, so I asked
Pete to go talk to her
- and find out her situation.
- So I did.
I went up and asked her
if she had a boyfriend,
and she said, "I do now,"
and then she winked at me.
- Traitor!
- I didn't mean for it to happen.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
No need to let a girl get
in between two best friends,
especially when there's
an obvious answer.
Very obvious.
- This one goes to Pete.
- Adam.
No, dude, that is Adam.
Dude, that is Pete.
Can you give us a sec?
Live it up, football jocks!
- It's all downhill from here.
- Oh!
It's going down!
I just heard!
Here, tonight!
It's going down!
Nice dress.
Did your mom make it?
Listen to me, damn it!
I didn't see them,
but I heard their plan.
"At 11:00 sharp,
we shank the dork."
Ellie, some poor kid's
getting pantsed!
No, this can't be happening.
Not now! Not again!
Boo, you got your crazy face on.
A-are you all right?
[ Sighs deeply ]
1987. Senior prom.
I was so excited.
I had a cool tux, a hot date,
and a plan to help
my best pal Bucky Martin
score a dance
with the girl of his dreams.
Bucky Martin?
Sounds like a stud.
- He actually wasn't.
- Stop it.
But I knew he could be,
if he-- if he just believed.
And then when I saw Cindy Lee
standing alone
at the punch bowl,
I grabbed him by the lapels,
I said,
"This is it. Your time.
Bucky time. Go get her."
He looked so cool
walking over to her.
So brave.
[ Breathes deeply ]
She looked up and saw him
and smiled.
♪♪
They were so fast.
[ Whispers ] Jocks always are.
♪♪
It was a half a second before
Bucky's pants hit the ground.
- [ Fabric drops ]
- He just froze...
- [ Laughter ]
- ...standing there
in his little white undies.
The laughs were deafening.
He turned to me,
his eyes pleading for help,
trembling...
I did nothing!
- I couldn't even get out "Bucky!"
- [ Gasps ]
He turned around and ran,
his pants still at his ankles,
until he was out the door.
And I never saw him again.
Until Monday at school,
when I saw him again.
But he was different.
He would never be the same.
The Bucky I knew was dead.
And now it's happening
all over again.
Not if we stop it.
I was excited about
my prom, too.
I had the cutest
vintage YSL jumpsuit.
And when I got there,
the nuns got all weird because
my date was a 28-year-old
Wall Street banker.
[ Voice breaks ]
They kicked me out.
I ended up going to
this mansion party
that was, like, a thousand times
better all-nighter.
But still, I didn't
get to dance at my prom.
I never knew.
I'm so...
[ Sighs ]
28? Really? He was 28?
Come on. We have
a magical night to save.
W-was it your date's mansion?
28?
Chad, Kristin, lookin' good!
There's my lovebirds.
[ Laughs ]
♪
Ooh! They may need a hose!
Hey, Jules, maybe we should
hang back.
You know, like,
give the kids some space.
They love us. We saved prom.
Also, we're super fun.
I think the kids can sense that.
It's kinda like how dogs
can hear loud whistles.
♪♪
[ Cheering ]
Dance circle.
[ Cheering continues ]
Uh, no, thanks. I'm good.
I'm not really cut out
for a dance circle, so...
Boy: Shake it!
Shake it! Shake it!
But Jules and Laurie are!
What? How?
We're going in!
Laurie, this is why I love you!
I can do anything
when I'm with--
Laurie?
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
Alone in a dance circle.
No way out.
Unless I get tough
and dance my way out.
[ Cheering ]
No.
I'm gonna die in here.
All right,
we have to move fast.
We don't know who's behind this
and we don't know
who their target is.
But in a pantsing plot,
the story's always the same.
Jerks versus dorks.
You find the losers here
and get them to safety.
I'll sniff out the punks
and the troublemakers.
But mark my words,
by 11:00, all dorks pants
will be standing.
[ Sighs ]
God help us.
Oh, Ellie,
while you're out there
wading through all the jerks,
please stay focused.
You know how you get weak
around bad boys.
Oh, please.
No one here is over 18.
Oh, that guy looks
like he's over 18.
I'll be careful.
What the hell?
You left me alone
in a dance circle.
I was trapped in a ring
of clapping strangers
who wouldn't let me go
unless I busted a move.
I have no moves to bust!
What happened back there?
I don't even know.
What's going on?
Huh? You've been acting
a little strange all night.
You made that comment
about still gettin' crazy
even when you're a mom.
It just got into my head.
Then we went into the bathroom
to drink,
- and crazy girls in these crazy dresses...
- [ Chuckles ]
...about to pound
a giant bag of wine,
and I saw myself
in the mirror...
[ Laughs ]
I only saw the ceiling.
I was like, glug, glug, glug.
Sorry. Continue.
I have a baby at home.
And here I am,
in this slutty dress,
ready to party my ass off
in the bathroom of a bar,
acting like...
Like your mother did
when you were a kid?
She was
the Ultimate Party Slut.
And that's not coming from me.
That was an actual title
she won in Daytona.
You think Adam should back off?
Duh.
Check the Magic 8 ball, buddy.
[ Gasps ]
All signs point to Pete.
- Adam liked Kim first.
- Well, too bad. Kim digs Pete.
That's because he stepped in
with the c-block.
Pete stepped in because Adam was
too much of a wussy
to talk to Kim himself!
- Ahem.
- We'll be right with you.
Yeah, you guys good?
Want a soda or anything?
Grayson: No? Great.
Why am I the only one
looking out for Kim here?
She wants tall, cool Pete,
not lame, weird Adam.
You don't know the first thing
about Adam!
You don't know the first thing
about Pete!
Hey, guys, do you like
role-playing games
and stories with dragons?
Get out of here now, please!
Run for your lives!
I'm hosting a trunk sale
outside--
cigarettes, bad lite beer,
and urine samples so clean you'd
swear it was from the math club.
Parking lot. 10 minutes.
I think I'm having
an asthma attack.
Leave now if you value
your pants.
Just go. Go.
Dude, the cops are coming to...
[ Inhales sharply ]
I can't lie to you.
Let's just...
get in your car and see
where the night takes us.
Laurie, you're nothing
like your mom
- and you never will be.
- [ Sighs deeply ]
Where is your baby right now?
He's at home with a sitter.
Where would Baby Laurie
have been
if her mother was
out at a bar, partying?
In her purse.
At the bar.
Jules, I know I'm not like her.
I just...
I wanna be a great mom
so bad that...
I'm afraid I'm never gonna
be able to have fun again.
Of course you can.
Just because you have a kid
doesn't mean you have to
change who you are.
All you have to do is...
Girl: - [ Giggles ] Let's go dance.
Girl #2: - Yeah!
Trust your instincts.
Mm.
Laurie, you're a mom.
And not just because
you have a baby.
It's because of who you are
and the love that you have
in your heart.
I've seen the way you hold him.
And even when you go out
and you get a little crazy,
the thing you're gonna be
most excited about
is to get home
and see your son.
All my mom ever wanted to do
at the end of the night
was go to an airport hotel
and see if any hair bands
were staying there.
She once took her top off
in a hot tub
and caused a fistfight
between Kip Winger
and the lead singer
of Quiet Riot.
Please don't tell me
that you--
Poolside in her purse.
If I close my eyes,
I can still hear them arguing.
My God, she was not
a great mom.
It sounded like she had
great boobs, though.
- She did.
- Mm.
But you're right, Jules.
The end of tonight,
the thing that I am
most looking forward to
is getting home
and being with my baby.
I know.
- Come here.
- Oh.
Mm.
Jules...
is this hug
a display of affection
or are you just drinking wine?
[ Mouth full ]
'Splay of 'fection.
Adam is not lame.
He may not be tall
and good-looking like Pete...
Mm-hmm.
You got that right.
But-- but he's deep,
interesting, and he's tired
of cool guy idiots acting like
he's inferior.
If Adam had a fair shot,
Kim would've seen his substance
and known he's the better guy.
Oh, so Pete isn't smart and has
no substance because he's cool?
- Well said. I agree.
- That is so unfair!
Cool guys can be deep, too.
You know, you cut them,
they bleed.
And if you call them dumb,
they hurt.
But then they put on a tank top,
and everything's okay, so...
Uncool guys do not have
a monopoly over feelings.
- Hey, where you guys going?
- Out to the party.
We settled the Kim thing
on our own. We're good.
Also, this got weird when
it became about the two of you.
Later.
About us?
[ Chuckles ]
- What are they talking about?
- No idea. They're weird.
Totally. Totally.
[ Exhales deeply ] It's actually
a nice little party.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Pretty nice.
[ Nick Mulvey's
"Fever To The Form" playing ]
Listen, Trav,
I know we give each other
a hard time,
but truth is,
I don't really think
you're a nerd.
Well, thanks.
Hey, and even though I may
imply it or flat-out say it,
I don't think you're
shallow or dumb.
Thanks.
You totally think I'm a nerd.
Huge nerd.
Huge.
And you totally think
I'm shallow and dumb, huh?
So dumb.
But, uh, you're all right.
[ Pats arm ]
Nerd.
What's that about?
Andy: No idea.
[ Chuckles ]
That's weird but... kinda sweet.
No, it isn't.
It's just weird.
Check it out--
three cute girls
and our boy Adam
thinking about making a move.
♪ reasons ♪
♪ oh, my fever to the form ♪
Adam: How's it going?
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
♪♪
♪ oh, fever to the form ♪
Andy: Uhh! Uhh!
[ Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughter ]
♪ singing "Give me more" ♪
♪ 'cause you were never empty ♪
♪ and we've been here before ♪
- [ Laughs ]
- Andy's fun.
Yeah. I love
those boxer shorts, too.
Mm-hmm.
[ Laughter continues ]
Quite a night.
[ Shivers ]
I didn't-- I didn't know
I had it in me.
But when duty called, I found
the strength to be a hero.
I only hope one day,
both of you get a chance
to know how that feels.
Actually, I was a lifeguard
one summer in high school.
And I saved, like,
15 people from drowning.
Well, I'm a brain surgeon,
so I've saved two or three...
hundred lives.
Oh, those-- those--
those are good stories, too.
Oh, yeah, but how did you stop
that guy's pants
from being pulled down?
How did you pulled that off?
I didn't know I had it in me,
but when duty called,
I found the strength
to be a hero.
It was all adrenaline...
[ Indistinct talking continues ]
for the storm.
- [ Thunderclap ]
- Ah! And it looks great.
I am loving
all the new artwork, Jules.
Thanks. I thought I'd make
hurricane prep fun.
That one's my favorite.
It's like Tom is right here.
Tom: I am!
It's pretty nasty out here! Aah!
Grayson: - Whoa!
Andy: - Oh, ho ho!
Oh, that wind is vicious.
Yeah, but not as bad
as the grocery store.
There was only one pack
of toilet paper left,
and me and this crazed housewife
reached for it at the same time.
Tell me
you took that bitch down.
[ Wind whistling ]
- Ha!
- [ Claps hands ]
Still... I feel like
there's something missing.
Are you perhaps looking for...
these?
- Ohh!
- Aah!
Yeah!
You are almost sexy right now.
I mean, seriously?
I got bit.
Mmm.
_
Jules: Ugh.
That was a wild night,
but we made it through.
And nobody behaved badly expect
for everything that Jelly did.
I warned you guys--
when I fear for my life,
I kick and scream and yell
and I tell people exactly what
I think about them.
Still, I am sorry
for everything that I said.
And did.
- I'd be mad if I wasn't so impressed.
- Ugh.
How is the damage out there?
Well, it looks like we lost
a tree
and gained a new patio set!
Score!
You're holding hands?
What, is the world ending?
No, it's just all the chaos
and destruction in town
makes me feel romantic.
If we had walked over
a power line,
Andy might've gotten lucky
right there and then.
Ooh!
[ Laughs ]
Wow, sounds like
the power's still out
almost everywhere in town.
A pipe burst and flooded
the gym at the high school,
and they were having
their prom tonight.
So I called the school
and I said,
"Prom's on tonight,
free of charge,
right here at Gray's pub."
- [ Laughs ]
- Yeah.
Laugh it up.
I have to close the bar early
and fill it with streamers
and balloons
for a bunch of kids who aren't
paying a dime.
- It's so funny.
- Sucks to be you right now.
It does.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, Jules, is there a small
detail you might've left out?
I signed us all up
as chaperones.
Oh. They don't seem
very excited.
I'm sure they'll be better
when they realize
they can just stand around
and drink all night.
- Oh. Well...
- Oh! They can't!
Because the high school's
making me take all the liquor
out of my bar for the night!
- It'll be fun?
- I will kill you.
This whole prom idea
is so lame, right?
Well, it depends on
who you were in high school--
a pasty young dork
with more zits than friends,
or a dashing babehound
with dance moves so smooth
they almost sent a teacher
to jail.
Mrs. Pritchett loved my dancing
so much
that she asked me over to
give her a dance lesson. Hmm.
I wasn't ready to do the kind of
dancing she wanted to do.
Wow. High school me
would've hated high school you.
If we're doing this,
we should do it right.
Chaperones are
prom secret service.
It's like I keep trying to tell
you, Boo-- stop talking to me.
Look, tonight won't be so bad.
All we have to do
is stand around.
I'm gonna act like I did
at my own prom--
I'll be aloof and above it all
and judge everyone.
- You'll seem different, but not.
- Yeah.
Guys, none of us are gonna
take this that seriously--
I now take that back.
[ To tune of "Bridal Chorus" ]
♪ prom, prom, prom-prom ♪
♪ prom, prom, prom-prom ♪
[ Gasps ]
Prom!
Yikes.
Dudes. Weak.
How come I'm the only one
who's in the prom spirit?
'Cause you're the only one
insane enough
to think that we're gonna
jump aboard your crazy train.
Ellie, I caught some of that,
and I don't think I liked it.
You know what sucks?
The fact that I'm the only one
that is weird enough
and goofy enough to take this
as a chance
for us all to have a little fun
ourselves.
That's what sucks.
- [ Door opens and closes ]
- O... M...
Gigi freakin' Fernández!
[ Both giggle ]
My baby has no shot
at a normal life.
♪ Prom-prom-prom, prom
prom-prom-prom, prom, prom ♪
I think it's sweet.
The car's out front
when you're ready.
Aah! Oh!
[ Giggles ]
You're welcome.
We're so glad you came.
Now go get crazy! It's prom!
Whoo! Prom!
If these kids get half as crazy
as I did at my prom...
Tell me about it. The things
that went down at my prom...
♪♪
Please don't get pregnant!
Sometimes "I love you" is just
a trick to get your dress off!
[ Sighs ]
Laurie, you know,
I thought I'd be the only one
getting dressed up.
But then there you walk in,
looking amazing.
A little slutty,
but mostly amazing.
You, too. When I walked in
and I saw you in this dress,
I was like, "Ah! Soul mates!"
You know, since the day we met,
I spent most of
my craziest times with you.
Oh! Like the time we broke
all the penises off the statues?
- [ Laughs ]
- Or when we went bar hopping
and we stole
that scary cop's gun?
[ Gasps ] Or when we broke into
Tom's house
and we locked his girlfriend
in the closet?
Wow.
We sound totally insane
when you string 'em
all together.
You ready for another
crazy adventure?
The crazier, the better!
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]
So, like, normally,
this is the moment
where I would pound my drink and
then smash it against the wall,
but I'm kind of at a loss here.
- Would these help?
- [ Gasps ]
Soul mates!
Party in the bathroom stall,
y'all!
Oh! Isn't it great that
you can still get crazy
when you're a mom?
It's time to put
the popular girls
in their place.
Hey, catty cheerleaders,
you want some real gossip?
Your jock boyfriends are
all in love with each other.
Ellie, I am trying to focus
on my job.
Me, too. You think this
dumb prom's gonna mock itself?
Prom is not dumb!
It's a beautiful night
of magic and wonder.
And sometimes, a poor kid's life
is destroyed forever.
But that won't happen here.
Oh, no! Not on my watch!
It sounds like you're
working through some stuff.
I'm gonna leave you to it.
And I gotta get back
to my thang.
Hey, bet you 5 bucks
that 5 years from now,
that condom will still
be in your pocket.
You get it.
He's not gonna ever use it.
It's not that heavy.
Do I need to make fun
of "Star Wars" or something
- to summon your angry nerd strength?
- I'm fine.
[ Strained voice ] And anyone
who makes fun of "Star Wars"
is just revealing their own
cinematic ignorance.
- [ Chuckles ] Nerd speak.
- Whoa.
I don't remember having that
in my storeroom.
Yo, guys. What's going on?
[ Chuckles ]
Why aren't you
out at the party?
- The thing is...
- We're in a weird situation.
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
I get it, fellas.
It's okay.
I mean, look, you're 17.
Life's crazy right now,
and the one thing you can really
count on is your best friend.
It's natural to kiss a little.
You know, just see
if it feel all right.
Dude!
We're not gay. We didn't kiss.
Uh, duh!
[ Laughs ]
I did not kiss my best friend
in high school either.
At all. Ever.
We are always pulling back
a strange new layer on you,
aren't we?
This is just the greatest night!
Isn't it, Laurie?
[ Drowners' "A Button
On Your Blouse" playing ]
How long have we been
holding hands?
Huh. Wasn't that fun?
[ Chuckles ]
Why don't you go spend some time
with your friends now?
[ Gasps ]
These kids are so happy.
They even gave me
a nickname--
"That lady who saved prom."
[ Laughs ]
I even made a love connection.
I found a lonely guy
and a lonely girl,
I put 'em together...
and now they're dancing.
It's a weird dance.
It's like they're trying
to smother a fire
between their crotch.
So what have you been doing
since I lost you?
Gettin' crazy?
Yeah. No, I mean, I was.
But then I remembered that
I left my purse over here
so I came to find it.
That's the end of the story.
Hey, it's early.
Let's go have some fun.
Go without me because I need
to catch my breath
after all the...
purse excitement.
No way! We're a team!
Also, you may have to rescue me
in case anyone pulls me into
a dance circle.
That is my biggest fear.
Well, that and... [ Whispers ] clowns.
What about a dance circle
made up of clowns?
Ooh.
♪ why don't you just
come around ♪
♪ and undo another button
on your blouse? ♪
Boy: [ In distance ]
It's going down.
At 11:00 sharp,
we shank the dork.
♪ I hate the thought of
you missing out ♪
Who-- who said that?!
No.
Oh, please, no.
So what's going on?
All right, so there's
this girl here tonight
- that I really like.
- Same with me.
Oh, that's great!
Perfect wingman situation.
Two bros, two babes--
Yeah, it's the same girl.
Ohh, that is less great.
Her name's Kim.
She's new at our school.
I'm really into her, so I asked
Pete to go talk to her
- and find out her situation.
- So I did.
I went up and asked her
if she had a boyfriend,
and she said, "I do now,"
and then she winked at me.
- Traitor!
- I didn't mean for it to happen.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
No need to let a girl get
in between two best friends,
especially when there's
an obvious answer.
Very obvious.
- This one goes to Pete.
- Adam.
No, dude, that is Adam.
Dude, that is Pete.
Can you give us a sec?
Live it up, football jocks!
- It's all downhill from here.
- Oh!
It's going down!
I just heard!
Here, tonight!
It's going down!
Nice dress.
Did your mom make it?
Listen to me, damn it!
I didn't see them,
but I heard their plan.
"At 11:00 sharp,
we shank the dork."
Ellie, some poor kid's
getting pantsed!
No, this can't be happening.
Not now! Not again!
Boo, you got your crazy face on.
A-are you all right?
[ Sighs deeply ]
1987. Senior prom.
I was so excited.
I had a cool tux, a hot date,
and a plan to help
my best pal Bucky Martin
score a dance
with the girl of his dreams.
Bucky Martin?
Sounds like a stud.
- He actually wasn't.
- Stop it.
But I knew he could be,
if he-- if he just believed.
And then when I saw Cindy Lee
standing alone
at the punch bowl,
I grabbed him by the lapels,
I said,
"This is it. Your time.
Bucky time. Go get her."
He looked so cool
walking over to her.
So brave.
[ Breathes deeply ]
She looked up and saw him
and smiled.
♪♪
They were so fast.
[ Whispers ] Jocks always are.
♪♪
It was a half a second before
Bucky's pants hit the ground.
- [ Fabric drops ]
- He just froze...
- [ Laughter ]
- ...standing there
in his little white undies.
The laughs were deafening.
He turned to me,
his eyes pleading for help,
trembling...
I did nothing!
- I couldn't even get out "Bucky!"
- [ Gasps ]
He turned around and ran,
his pants still at his ankles,
until he was out the door.
And I never saw him again.
Until Monday at school,
when I saw him again.
But he was different.
He would never be the same.
The Bucky I knew was dead.
And now it's happening
all over again.
Not if we stop it.
I was excited about
my prom, too.
I had the cutest
vintage YSL jumpsuit.
And when I got there,
the nuns got all weird because
my date was a 28-year-old
Wall Street banker.
[ Voice breaks ]
They kicked me out.
I ended up going to
this mansion party
that was, like, a thousand times
better all-nighter.
But still, I didn't
get to dance at my prom.
I never knew.
I'm so...
[ Sighs ]
28? Really? He was 28?
Come on. We have
a magical night to save.
W-was it your date's mansion?
28?
Chad, Kristin, lookin' good!
There's my lovebirds.
[ Laughs ]
♪
Ooh! They may need a hose!
Hey, Jules, maybe we should
hang back.
You know, like,
give the kids some space.
They love us. We saved prom.
Also, we're super fun.
I think the kids can sense that.
It's kinda like how dogs
can hear loud whistles.
♪♪
[ Cheering ]
Dance circle.
[ Cheering continues ]
Uh, no, thanks. I'm good.
I'm not really cut out
for a dance circle, so...
Boy: Shake it!
Shake it! Shake it!
But Jules and Laurie are!
What? How?
We're going in!
Laurie, this is why I love you!
I can do anything
when I'm with--
Laurie?
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
Alone in a dance circle.
No way out.
Unless I get tough
and dance my way out.
[ Cheering ]
No.
I'm gonna die in here.
All right,
we have to move fast.
We don't know who's behind this
and we don't know
who their target is.
But in a pantsing plot,
the story's always the same.
Jerks versus dorks.
You find the losers here
and get them to safety.
I'll sniff out the punks
and the troublemakers.
But mark my words,
by 11:00, all dorks pants
will be standing.
[ Sighs ]
God help us.
Oh, Ellie,
while you're out there
wading through all the jerks,
please stay focused.
You know how you get weak
around bad boys.
Oh, please.
No one here is over 18.
Oh, that guy looks
like he's over 18.
I'll be careful.
What the hell?
You left me alone
in a dance circle.
I was trapped in a ring
of clapping strangers
who wouldn't let me go
unless I busted a move.
I have no moves to bust!
What happened back there?
I don't even know.
What's going on?
Huh? You've been acting
a little strange all night.
You made that comment
about still gettin' crazy
even when you're a mom.
It just got into my head.
Then we went into the bathroom
to drink,
- and crazy girls in these crazy dresses...
- [ Chuckles ]
...about to pound
a giant bag of wine,
and I saw myself
in the mirror...
[ Laughs ]
I only saw the ceiling.
I was like, glug, glug, glug.
Sorry. Continue.
I have a baby at home.
And here I am,
in this slutty dress,
ready to party my ass off
in the bathroom of a bar,
acting like...
Like your mother did
when you were a kid?
She was
the Ultimate Party Slut.
And that's not coming from me.
That was an actual title
she won in Daytona.
You think Adam should back off?
Duh.
Check the Magic 8 ball, buddy.
[ Gasps ]
All signs point to Pete.
- Adam liked Kim first.
- Well, too bad. Kim digs Pete.
That's because he stepped in
with the c-block.
Pete stepped in because Adam was
too much of a wussy
to talk to Kim himself!
- Ahem.
- We'll be right with you.
Yeah, you guys good?
Want a soda or anything?
Grayson: No? Great.
Why am I the only one
looking out for Kim here?
She wants tall, cool Pete,
not lame, weird Adam.
You don't know the first thing
about Adam!
You don't know the first thing
about Pete!
Hey, guys, do you like
role-playing games
and stories with dragons?
Get out of here now, please!
Run for your lives!
I'm hosting a trunk sale
outside--
cigarettes, bad lite beer,
and urine samples so clean you'd
swear it was from the math club.
Parking lot. 10 minutes.
I think I'm having
an asthma attack.
Leave now if you value
your pants.
Just go. Go.
Dude, the cops are coming to...
[ Inhales sharply ]
I can't lie to you.
Let's just...
get in your car and see
where the night takes us.
Laurie, you're nothing
like your mom
- and you never will be.
- [ Sighs deeply ]
Where is your baby right now?
He's at home with a sitter.
Where would Baby Laurie
have been
if her mother was
out at a bar, partying?
In her purse.
At the bar.
Jules, I know I'm not like her.
I just...
I wanna be a great mom
so bad that...
I'm afraid I'm never gonna
be able to have fun again.
Of course you can.
Just because you have a kid
doesn't mean you have to
change who you are.
All you have to do is...
Girl: - [ Giggles ] Let's go dance.
Girl #2: - Yeah!
Trust your instincts.
Mm.
Laurie, you're a mom.
And not just because
you have a baby.
It's because of who you are
and the love that you have
in your heart.
I've seen the way you hold him.
And even when you go out
and you get a little crazy,
the thing you're gonna be
most excited about
is to get home
and see your son.
All my mom ever wanted to do
at the end of the night
was go to an airport hotel
and see if any hair bands
were staying there.
She once took her top off
in a hot tub
and caused a fistfight
between Kip Winger
and the lead singer
of Quiet Riot.
Please don't tell me
that you--
Poolside in her purse.
If I close my eyes,
I can still hear them arguing.
My God, she was not
a great mom.
It sounded like she had
great boobs, though.
- She did.
- Mm.
But you're right, Jules.
The end of tonight,
the thing that I am
most looking forward to
is getting home
and being with my baby.
I know.
- Come here.
- Oh.
Mm.
Jules...
is this hug
a display of affection
or are you just drinking wine?
[ Mouth full ]
'Splay of 'fection.
Adam is not lame.
He may not be tall
and good-looking like Pete...
Mm-hmm.
You got that right.
But-- but he's deep,
interesting, and he's tired
of cool guy idiots acting like
he's inferior.
If Adam had a fair shot,
Kim would've seen his substance
and known he's the better guy.
Oh, so Pete isn't smart and has
no substance because he's cool?
- Well said. I agree.
- That is so unfair!
Cool guys can be deep, too.
You know, you cut them,
they bleed.
And if you call them dumb,
they hurt.
But then they put on a tank top,
and everything's okay, so...
Uncool guys do not have
a monopoly over feelings.
- Hey, where you guys going?
- Out to the party.
We settled the Kim thing
on our own. We're good.
Also, this got weird when
it became about the two of you.
Later.
About us?
[ Chuckles ]
- What are they talking about?
- No idea. They're weird.
Totally. Totally.
[ Exhales deeply ] It's actually
a nice little party.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Pretty nice.
[ Nick Mulvey's
"Fever To The Form" playing ]
Listen, Trav,
I know we give each other
a hard time,
but truth is,
I don't really think
you're a nerd.
Well, thanks.
Hey, and even though I may
imply it or flat-out say it,
I don't think you're
shallow or dumb.
Thanks.
You totally think I'm a nerd.
Huge nerd.
Huge.
And you totally think
I'm shallow and dumb, huh?
So dumb.
But, uh, you're all right.
[ Pats arm ]
Nerd.
What's that about?
Andy: No idea.
[ Chuckles ]
That's weird but... kinda sweet.
No, it isn't.
It's just weird.
Check it out--
three cute girls
and our boy Adam
thinking about making a move.
♪ reasons ♪
♪ oh, my fever to the form ♪
Adam: How's it going?
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
♪♪
♪ oh, fever to the form ♪
Andy: Uhh! Uhh!
[ Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughter ]
♪ singing "Give me more" ♪
♪ 'cause you were never empty ♪
♪ and we've been here before ♪
- [ Laughs ]
- Andy's fun.
Yeah. I love
those boxer shorts, too.
Mm-hmm.
[ Laughter continues ]
Quite a night.
[ Shivers ]
I didn't-- I didn't know
I had it in me.
But when duty called, I found
the strength to be a hero.
I only hope one day,
both of you get a chance
to know how that feels.
Actually, I was a lifeguard
one summer in high school.
And I saved, like,
15 people from drowning.
Well, I'm a brain surgeon,
so I've saved two or three...
hundred lives.
Oh, those-- those--
those are good stories, too.
Oh, yeah, but how did you stop
that guy's pants
from being pulled down?
How did you pulled that off?
I didn't know I had it in me,
but when duty called,
I found the strength
to be a hero.
It was all adrenaline...
[ Indistinct talking continues ]