Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 6 - The Wrong Thing to Do - full transcript

Good morning.

Hi, babe.

D-aah!

What'd you do?

Ellie bet me that
I couldn't put my makeup on

with my eyes closed, and I won.

Did you?

I did it, too.

Aah! Why?

[ Imitates Danny Torrance ]
To make you scared

and uncomfortable, Grayson.



- I'm not scared.
- Okay.

Then come kiss me.

No, I'm-- I'm fine
over here. Um, thank you.

Why don't you kiss...

both of us?

Kiss me!

Aah!

_

- Hey. Why'd you call us over?
- Hey!

You know when
someone loses their job

and is at home for a month,

it would be natural for them
to go a little crazy, yeah?

Yeah, that seems normal.

Do you think that's normal?



Andy: [ Grunting ]
[ Rolls banging ]

Oh, no! Zombies! Quick!
Back to Fort Butt!

[ Imitating gunfire ]

Two choices-- heads, divorce,
tales, murder.

- Both good ideas...
- Mm-hmm.

- But divorce is messy money-wise.
- Mm.

But murder is messy because
all the blood and the guts.

You're slippin' around. I don't
wanna ruin these new shoes.

So... I got an idea.

Why don't you try to talk
to him first? Be supportive.

Gotcha.

Boo, great new outfit.

Get a job!

Have a job! Space cop.

[ Clicks tongue ]

- I tried. Time to die.
Laurie: - Mm.

Or...
I could talk to him.

You know, he won't know
you put me up to it.

Guys, I've had enough.

I need peace, quiet,

Ellie time.

But Needy Nancy?
He has no job.

And because Bobby's gone,
he's never on Bobby's boat.

Well, that's it.

Bobby's boat.
[ Inhales sharply ]

Bobby's boat!

Tom! Hey!

- How's it going?
- Hi!

- Hey.
- [ Giggles ]

One of these days,
he's gonna notice me.

[ Laughs ] Right.
Like you have a chance with Tom.

- Come on.
- Why would you say that?

- What the hell was that?
- Tom, who were those ladies?

Just doctors from the hospital.

Dude, they were into you.

You guys know me
as Neighbor Tom--

kooky, nutty,
perhaps a tad socially awkward.

But to them, I'm Dr. Tom--

superstar brain surgeon,
millionaire bachelor,

you know,
cool-under-fire lifesaver

with a body that was built
for OR scrubs.

You're the Dr. McDreamy
of your hospital.

Why don't you ask out
one of those girls?

A doctor doesn't date
fellow doctors.

As hospital stud,
it is practically your duty

to bag one of those babes.

McDreamy and McSteamy
don't see a hot lady doc,

and they're just like,
"Huh, how's it going?"

They're like,
"Ditch the clipboard

and meet me in the breakroom
for 10ccs of lovin', stat."

They sound cool.

They are, and you're them!

I had no idea.
I'll give it a shot.

Here, Trav,
pass me your binaca.

Thanks.

♪ booty, booty, booty, love ♪

♪ I'm-a rock that booty,
it's my duty ♪

What are you doing here?

Watching a grown man struggle
with his sexual identity.

It's called pampering,
and guys can do it, too.

Why are you here?

My house has become

the secret lair
of Captain No-Job.

I needed a sanctuary.

And then it hit me--
Bobby's boat.

[ Scoffs ] My house has
way more idiots than yours.

And I needed a sanctuary,
and it hit me-- Bobby's boat.

How interesting.

We both want the same thing,

and yet only one of us
can have it.

I wonder who will triumph.

We're not doing this.
Okay, it was my idea first.

I'm closer with Bobby.
It's my boat.

I'm the captain,
and you're leaving.

Why don't you lighten up,
fancy pants? I will go.

You are so bitchy
when you're upset.

Whoa.

[ Chuckles ]

Greetings!
Did you call for me?

Wow. You wore that
outside, huh?

[ Chuckles ] I was actually
looking for Andy.

Oh, it's a Andy you want.

Oh, well, let me summon this "Andy."
Would you please turn around?

I need to keep my identity... secret.

[ Whispers ] Ah. Yes.

[ Clears throat ] Hmm. Huh.
Oh, hey, Jules!

It's me, Andy Torres.
What's up?

Ah. Still rockin' the undies.

Super.

So speaking of jobs...

We weren't speaking of jobs.

Well, now that we are,

when do you think
you might get a job?

Did Ellie say something?
Does she hate having me at home?

What? No way, bro.

No, she especially loves
the make-believe

and the dressing up.

Oh, yeah. She thinks that's...
sexy.

Well, does she want to
include it in our lovemaking?

So... jobs--
let's get back to that.

Now just...
biz pro to biz pro,

if you wait too long
between jobs,

you get stale.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Man. That's terrible.

[ Inhales and exhales deeply ]
It has been almost a month.

I guess I should call around,
set up some interviews.

Attaboy!

You go out there and you take
the bull by the horns!

Wait. Aren't the horns
the worst place to take a bull?

Yes. They're extremely sharp.

So you go out there
and you take...

the bull by the tail.

Wait. Won't the bull just then
kick me with his back legs?

All right, well,
you go make the calls,

and I'll stay in here
and brainstorm about the bull.

Okay.

Oh.

This is amazing. I can't believe
I'm actually on a date with Tom.

- What can I say? You're a lucky gal.
- [ Chuckles ]

- Ooh. Uh, BRB, babe.
- Okay.

Whoa. Looks like you didn't
waste any time.

Thank you for opening my eyes.

I had no idea I was
the coolest guy in town.

Okay, well, I didn't say
you were...

I'm glad you're happy, Tom.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Where's my ladder?

Hey there.

You made the "SS Prissy-Pants"
seem so good,

I thought I would come by
when you were gone,

pull up the ladder,
and try it for myself.

Ellie, I told you, I'm not
playing this game with you.

All right, the boat is mine!
I'm the captain.

[ Imitates muse from "Captain Phillips" ]
Look at me.

I'm the captain now.

Dang it.

Stupid Ellie.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

I'm out for one last taste
of life with no job.

Mmm.

Lemony.

I set up six job interviews.

I'm about to get
six big fat job offers.

You think you'll get all six?

[ Laughs ] Of course!

I'm a born charmer
with a warm smile, buttery tan,

and I've nailed every interview
I've ever had.

I hate job interview questions.

"What's
your biggest weakness?"

Someone asked you that?
That's-- that's personal.

You get stuff like,
"What's your greatest fear?"

Why? So you can use it
against me?

"Describe a time you failed."

No!

Andy, how many interviews
have you been on?

One... 22 years ago,
but I nailed it.

The interviewer was my uncle,

but still...
nailed it!

Well, things have changed now.
The questions are tough.

You get judged on your posture,
your poise,

the way you walk into a room.

Are you okay?
Fine. My-- my tie's too tight.

- You're not wearing a tie.
- What's going on?

I'm just thinking about losing
my house and everything I own,

and my starving family living
in an old refrigerator box

'cause I can't come up
with my greatest weakness!

[ Groans ] Need air!

We're outside! Take some!

- [ Groans ]
- More!

[ Inhales deeply ]
Andy go now!

[ Grunting ]

He's gonna need
to work on his poise.

I'm hopeless!

It's just a matter of time
before I'm broke and alone,

sitting on a milk crate
outside a Mini Mart

with a beard covered in

scratch-off lottery ticket
shavings.

You listen to me.

Scratch-offs are
a waste of time.

You gotta go Powerball!

I think you missed
the bigger picture concern

in that story.

Andy, you're gonna be fine.

You just need a little advice
from a good friend

who is also
a savvy local business owner.

I don't wanna burden Laurie.

Which is why I'm asking you!

Mom's actually a great coach.

In third grade,
I didn't have any friends.

And after a few tips from her,

I was eating lunch at the table
instead of under it.

That's real results.
Let's do this!

Whoo-hoo! Let's roast this town
like a pig on a spit!

Roll tide!

What? When I get real fired up,
I go Southern.

[ Sea bird cries ]

Oh, come on!
Your car's at home.

I left it there to fool you.

Were you coming to take
my boat?

It's my boat.
And fortunately,

you forgot
to pull the ladder up.

- No, I didn't.
- Ellie, no. No, no, no, no-- Ah!

[ Laughs ] I got your broom.

- It's yours.
- Aah!

- [ Thud ]
- Uhh!

I told you.
I'm the captain now!

[ Strained voice ] Fine.
That's it. The boat's yours.

I'm not playing your game!

- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!

- No... I'm... not!
- [ Splat ]

That does it.

Hey, pal.

[ Splat ]

[ Thud ]
[ Grunts ]

This is getting a little
Roadrunner vs. Wile E Coyote.

[ Sputters and coughs ]

[ Thud ]

You will not beat me!

Yes, I will.

I got nowhere else to go!

Would you grab us a table?
And I'll score some drinks.

You got it, Tom.

Big Trav! Laurie K! What up?

Are you on a date
with another doctor?

I was having trouble choosing
between them, so I didn't.

So you're just gonna
date them both?

[ Singsongy ] Bingo!
Dr. Tom making his rounds.

Yeah!
[ Imitates Elosion ]

Sorry. Reflex.

What happens
when these girls find out

you're dating both of them?

I don't know.
Sexy doctor catfight?

S-sorry... Tom. I'm gonna
have to pass on that one.

I will see you on the flip.

Ugh. Are you believing this?

I know!

Tom's awesome!

I mean, awful.

I said awesome,
but I meant... he's awful.

A great interview starts
with a great entrance.

So walk in and stay cool
no matter what's thrown at you.

Hello! I'm Andy Torres.

[ Grunting ] Ah!

Why are you guys
throwing fruit at me?!

Poise, damn it! Poise!

Hello, I'm Andy Torres.

- [ Spraying ]
- [ Grunting ] Ugh!

Mnh.

Oh, yeah.

Man: ♪ people nowadays
don't think 'bout their ways ♪

♪ don't think before they do,
don't think before they say ♪

- ♪ haphazard with the language ♪
- 'Sup?

That cool guy kinda looked
like Tom.

I'm Andy Torres.
I'm glad to meet you.

I appreciate the opportunity
to meet with this fine company.

That's perfect!

You are now ready to meet...
Mrs. Worthington.

Wow! Mrs. Worthington.

Who's that?

Don't be late... or else.

Or else what?

I don't know. I just thought
it would sound good.

Aah!

Oh, come on.

Dude!

Seriously?

Oh, so now... what?
I don't know you're dating...

three doctors?

Of course not.

Hey, Tom, are you
a slightly different hue?

It's called bronzer. You should
look into it, Paste Face.

- What's that?
- Huh?

Ohh.
[ Laughs ]

[ Whispers ] Pow!

He's smooth.
I'll give him that.

No, he is not! What are you
talking about? This is insane.

I honestly don't even know
if it could get weirder.

Tom?

Dr. L! Dr. K!

What are you doing with her?

Wait. Why do you care?
Tom's with me.

E-easy, girls. There's plenty
of Tom to go around.

We can just, uh, work together.

- [ Exhales deeply ]
- Oh, hell, no!

Uh, okay.
[ Speaks indistinctly ]

- Easy.
- Um, he is with me, okay?

Why are they taking
their jewelry off?

'Cause that's the last stop
before a catfight.

- Come on, they're not gonna....
- [ Glass shatters ]

Woman: - No, he's mine!
- [ Tom speaks indistinctly ]

They are. Fascinating.

- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- Aah!

You secured the perimeter,

but you forgot
the hole in the hull.

Damn! Bobby's toilet!

That's not Bobby's toilet.

Whatever you need
to tell yourself.

Well, I'm the captain now!

And you better
get off my boat or...

or the glasses get it!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Easy.
Those are my Jackie O's.

Put them down.

Or I start snapping strings.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I-I need that for ballads.

- [ Crack ]
- [ Gasps loudly ]

- [ String snaps ]
- Ping!

- Uhh!
- [ Gasps ]

[ Zing, air hisses ]

Knife took out a trailer tire!

It's okay. We'll just
dip a few inches.

It shouldn't compromise

the structural integrity
of the boat.

The boat has no integrity!

[ Metal creaking ]

Hello?

I'm-- I'm here to see
Mrs. Worthington.

I'm Mrs. Worthington.

Jules?

Let's begin your interview.

- Have a seat, Andy.
- [ Catalogue thuds ]

Interview simulation.
I get it.

[ Trash can thuds ]

Why should I hire you?

I'm an intelligent,
goal-oriented team player

who delivers bottom line results
and great watercooler chitchat.

I can hire somebody half
your age for half the salary.

Short-term gain,

while my experience
pays off more in the long run.

Your greatest skill?

A mix of charm and smarts
I call "charts."

- Greatest weakness.
- Work too hard, care too much.

I want to rip off your suit
and get freaky on the floor.

I respect you,
but let's remain professional.

Well... I'm impressed.

You seem ready for the long
hours and the late nights

to make Worthington Inc.
the best...

[ Lowered voice ]
What does this company do?

[ Under breath ]
We never decided.

That's a crappy business model.

Andy, are you okay?

Doing great. Ahh. Except that
the room's on fire,

and the ground is shaking
and the walls are closing in

and they're gonna crush
my bones!

[ Screaming ]

[ Deep voice ] "You cannot stop
my evil plan...

[ Laughs evilly ]
...awesome man."

[ Normal voice ] "I know.
I am a tremendous coward."

"Mwah-ha-ha-ha!"
"That hurt my feelings."

Jules: - Andy?
- [ Door opens and closes ]

Andy, are you in the fort?

- No.
- Sounds like you are.

There's a, uh, problem
with the acoustics

in this, uh, house.

You know, someone should really
take a look at that.

I lied.
I really am in the fort.

Thanks for coming clean.

Andy, I'm worried about you.

I don't know why
you freaked out.

You were doing so great and...

Dude, is that
an easy bake oven?

Yeah. I found it
in the attic.

My super tasty mini cakes
will be ready soon.

Yeah, you walked into the office
with confidence and poised,

and-- oh, my God. What's taking
so long? I want a mini cake.

That was unexpected.

Yeah.

This vessel was not
terribly stable.

No.

Kind of amazing it held up
as long as it did.

Yeah.

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

I just witnessed
the total destruction

of your lame hideout.

I'm pleased.

There are a thousand places
you could've gone in town

to be alone.

Why'd you have to take mine?

[ Sea birds calling ]

Do not hit me
in the back of the head

with a w--
[ Splat ]

The first you freaked out,

you were afraid that
you couldn't find a job.

That one makes sense.

But then in the office,
you were doing so good.

And then out of nowhere,
you crashed, burned,

and went total ape-shizzle.

I felt good, right up until
the crash, burn, ape-shizzle.

I don't know why.

You-- you were telling me
I was doing great,

and I was-- I was ready
to put in the long hours

and... the late nights.

The long hours
and the late nights

away from home,

and all this of this...

and Stan.

Andy, I think I know
what to do.

Extend the walls of Fort Butt
to your house?

I know the way we can do it.

We'll look into that.

Come with me.

He is out there somewhere.

Dr. D-Bag.

You know,
I created this monster,

and now I have to destroy him.

Always good to have a project.

- Hey, that's mine.
- It was.

I need a victory sip.

I just destroyed Grayson's
lame sanctuary and Bobby's boat

in one shot.

Mnh.

Doesn't taste as sweet as usual.
Something's off.

Maybe you've finally developed
human emotions

and feel bad
for hurting people.

No, but that's funny.

[ Laughs ] So I said,

you know...
[ Speaks indistinctly ]

[ Exhales sharply ]
It ends now.

How do?
[ Clicks tongue ]

What? Nice!

Sweet! Hello, beautiful.

Hi there, little lady.

Uhh! Easy, babe.

You are acting like
a real jackass, Tom!

- This isn't you!
- Yes, it is. I'm Dr. Stud.

No! No, you're not!

You're Neighbor Tom,
and Neighbor Tom is super weird

but he's also really sweet.

And he's fun!

And that's why everyone
in our gang really loves him.

The gang is not going to love
this new Tom.

So you have to decide.

Do you wanna be a skeevy jackass
out there, playing the field?

Or do you wanna be
the sweet guy that has

a great group of friends
that really care about him?

Woman: Hi!

That's my 6:00. I gotta jet.

That is not how I thought
this would end.

What do you want?

Grayson, I'm sorry for hijacking
the "SS Prissy-Pants."

At first, I loved
crushing your spirit.

I didn't care about
the stupid sanctuary.

I just loved fighting with you.

Is this your psychotic way
of saying

that you love battling me

because you enjoy
doing stuff with me,

and that's why we're friends?

Wasn't really going there.

What I love is the thrill
of savagely duking it out

with a worthy adversary.

I just don't have much of that
these days.

I guess I'm bored. I need
a new challenge in my life.

I fixed your string.

Man: ♪ tells me nothing ♪

Tell me what happens
when I play this thing?

Does it explode?

Ellie, seriously.

Jules, I can't handle
another interview.

I'm tearing through
all my good shirts.

It's not an interview.
It's just a sales pitch.

Come on,
you're gonna be great. Go.

♪ lost the way ♪

I'm motivated, passionate,

and I can do this job
as well as anyone in the world.

Ellie...

I wanna be
a stay-at-home dad.

♪ through the ruins ♪

Of course, this means you would
have to go back to work.

♪ trying to save it ♪

Let's do it.

♪ for a fallout ♪

She said "Yes"!

[ Laughs ] We did it!

Uh, right. I know.
This is about you guys.

I'm just really enjoying this moment.
We did it! Yay! Well, I'm awesome!

Me! Mmm!

You, too!

Janice. Big Tom. Doc T.

Giving you a call,
RE, "That booty."

Uh, Dierdre, I got a jacuzzi

and a bottle of peach schnapps
with your name on it.

The bronzer--

it, uh, comes in a 16-ounce
or does it also come in a 64?

Jules.

Tom, we were just
all sitting in my kitchen,

and I wanted to invite you
to come by.

I haven't seen you in so long.

I've missed you.

Thank you for doing this.

Of course. What'd I do?

Come on.