Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 9 - Two Men Talking - full transcript

Jules tries to set her father up with Grayson as a best friend; a cool mom group.

Anything less than 40%
and we walk.

Mmm.
Wow, this is good coffee.

Look at you--
stay-at-home dad,

just sit around
on your ass all day

while your wife works
to support you.

Must be quite a blow
to your manhood.

All this lounging is awful.
I'm miserable.

But you enjoy work today.

You know what you don't realize?

To make me happy, you need to
keep your ass out of my way.

Hoo!
I don't envy that guy.



I'm talking to you now, babe.

- Get your ass out of my chair!
- Oh!

Mmm. Coffee.

_

I don't wanna go to court
on this, but I will.

And if I do, you will regret it.

Wine me, dime eyes.

You just waved me off.

Didn't you see the glasses?

That was Work Ellie.
She's all about business.

This is Hang Ellie.
She's all about party time.

You know, I forgot how hectic
a law firm can be.

I'm so glad you never work

so I have someone
to lunch drink with.



Hey, I work.

Like today,
I was swimming in paperwork.

Sounds conveniently nonspecific.

Tell me more.

Hey, dad. Where you going?

Oh, nowhere, really.
I'm just gonna walk downtown.

By yourself?
You want me to come?

We'll get some fro-yo,
maybe see a movie.

Nah. I'm sure you've got
a lot of work to do.

Tons. I'm practically
swimming in paperwork over here.

Shut up.

All right. Well, uh, see ya.

- Does my dad look lonely?
- Yep.

Nope. He sounded like he wanted
to get out of this house.

He's very smart.

Man, this mobile wine business
is stressful.

I just got
a cease and desist letter

from a wine shop owner saying

I'm "Infringing
on the parameters

of established
commercial boundaries"?

All right, let me see.

This is just a scare tactic.

Come on.
I'll destroy this loser.

Great. Thanks.

It's pretty cool

how she can just turn that
on and off like that.

Wow. Wonder if I could.

"I'm regular Jules.
I'm happy."

"Ugh!
I'm swimming in paperwork!"

- Whose glasses are those?
- My dad's.

I can see into the future.

I didn't know you and Stan
came to this park.

Yeah. I need him to burn off
a little extra energy.

You know, for the longest time,

I thought of parks as just
a place people went to get

midnight sandbox b-jammers
and score drugs.

I totally forgot
they were for kids.

Hey, Stan,
get out of the sandbox!

Andy, why are you over
here by yourself?

Why aren't you hanging
with other parents?

It'd be weird.
I don't know anyone.

What about those moms
over there?

Those are the Leahs.
They're all named Leah.

Except for Becca and Lynn.

Oh, man, they got class
and style and buns to die for,

and they do cool stuff
like go to art galleries

and spin class
and drink mojitos.

Someone's got a chub
for the mom club.

Don't be ridicu-Leah.

That is actually a genius name
for a female rapper.

♪ What's up, y'all?
I'm Ridicu-Leah. ♪

♪ I drop more rhymes than... ♪

♪ gonorrhea ♪

I don't know.
Rap is really hard.

Seeing my dad look lonely
makes me realize

how good people are in pairs.

Feels like I'm about to hear

your latest,
totally unnecessary obsession.

My dad needs a best buddy.

And there it is.

Look, Jules, not everybody needs
to have people around

- all the time.
- Yes, they do.

Everyone does,
except for maybe serial killers.

But they have people around
for a while... till they don't.

But then they find someone new.

- Oh, you get my point.
- That serial killers need pals?

No, that my dad needs
a best buddy.

But it can't be me

because then he'd think
I just feel sorry for him.

It's gotta be a guy, someone--
someone I can trust.

Someone nice, but not too nice.
My dad hates that.

Oh, someone who likes sports
and beer...

Nope.

I'm not gonna be
Chick's best buddy.

I'll be best friends
with your dad.

- My dad's still dead.
- I know a psychic.

Chick is great, okay,
but he's also cranky and gassy

and 74 years old.

And I love him, but we're never
gonna be super pals

who go out for fro-yo
on a tandem bike.

Mm.

You just heard "tandem bike,"
huh?

Ohh, you'd be so cute together.

Thanks for destroying
that wine shop guy for me.

By the end, he looked so sad
and defeated.

I love making people
look like that.

Here's a sentence
I've never said before--

this is a nice van.

I know.
It's comfortable, quiet.

Something about a moving car,
just...

the subtle, repetitive
"bump-bump, bump-bump"

of the road puts me at ease.

It's like you could open up
and share anything with anyone.

I'm overly aggressive at work

because secretly
I'm afraid I'll fail.

I started a business to prove

I can do something
without my mom.

Did you see that?

Leah just made a kale smoothie
with a portable blender. Aw!

If you're so into them,

why don't you just
go hang out with them?

Me. With them. If only.

Just go up and say hi
with energy and confidence

and you show 'em
your big personality.

Come on!

- I can do that. All right.
- Yeah.

- I'm going over.
- Okay.

Hey, guys! How you doing?
My name's Andy.

Uhh!

All right. Oh!

Oh, honey, no.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

- That was--
- Humiliating.

I tripped and fell
and knocked over their pitcher

of lemon and mint-infused water
that helps reduce belly fat.

It was so, so, so brutal...

until they helped me up

and invited me to go
power shopping with them!

- What's power shopping?
- I don't know, but I'm invited!

- Yay!
- Yay!

Are they watching us now?

Yeah, and they look
a little confused.

Pretend this is part
of our workout. And go!

I'm so glad you're coming
to dinner with us, dad.

If their dessert tray
looks good,

I'm saying it's my birthday.

Play along.

This is nice. I don't mind
three of us going out.

That's great.
Three people is perfect.

Okay, let's see what they got.

Oh! Excuse me.

Yes, hi, this is Jules Cobb.

Oh, what's that?

A real estate emergency?

- I'm on my way.
- Seriously?

You guys are gonna have to have
an amazing time without me.

Sorry.

Wow. That is an emergency.

Yes, this is gonna take hours
to fix!

Now when the waiters sing
"Happy Birthday" to me,

need you to join in, big.

Uh, oh. When you get nervous
you break out Big Chuck,

but when you get so nervous
you think you might break

Big Chuck, you improvise.

Well, I planned a dinner
for me, Grayson, and my dad.

- Oh, nice.
- But then I faked a work emergency

so they could have a man-date
together.

And I just know Grayson's gonna
be really mad.

Setups never end well.
You should know that.

One time, I tried to set up

my bunkmate
from my first stint in juvie

on a coffee date

with my bunkmate
from my third stint in juvie.

I thought they'd really
get along.

Both from Tampa. Both impulsive.
Both love fire.

Long story short,

that coffee shop no longer exists.

I regret
pulling the birthday stunt

on two different waiters.

That is an excessive amount
of flan.

Good night.

So how was dinner?

And besides the hat,
it was good?

When you ran out--

on the worst fake phone call
I've ever heard--

I was so mad,
I almost ordered a burrito.

I would never take in that many
carbs unless I was rage eating.

Of course.

Mm, I could not have been
more angry,

but then--

there's a "But then"?
What's the "But then"?

Chick told a joke
about you being Curious George.

You know, the ears.

Well, then Chick and I laughed
and started to talk and had fun.

We actually made plans
for tomorrow.

They're best friends!
I knew it!

I'm the smartest person
in the world!

I'm the smartest person
in the world!

Aah!

Wasn't Big Chuck.

I really am the smartest person
in the world.

- Hello, Jelly.
- Oh, hi.

Whenever I see you
without your baby,

I feel like it's my duty to
remind you that you have a child

in case you've left it
someplace.

Yes.

He is definitely with Jules.

Oh, hey, Trav. How's it going?

- Ellie, hey.
- Okay, that's weird.

Take a load off, ladies.
I'll take care of the mojitos.

There's my Trophy Wife!

Five mojos, mofo.

These girls know all the gossip
of what's going on in town--

who's hooking up with who,

what well-known t-ball coach
is on the downlow...

Jake Morton.
Can you believe it?!

I'm supposed to be
in court today,

but I got a ride here.

Oh. Well, I can give you a ride.
I mean, if you want.

- Totally. Let's go for it.
- All right, see you, guys.

I'm gonna hang here and watch
Andy turn into a Lulu mom.

I put up walls 'cause I find it
easier than being vulnerable.

The times I act
sarcastic and indifferent

are just when I fear I have
nothing of value to offer.

Okay. Courthouse.

Wait. I got my dates confused.

I actually
don't have court today.

- Really?
- I'm such a goof sometimes.

No, don't worry about it.

I mean, no one is goofier
than me.

Well, I guess I'll just...
take you home?

If it's easier,
I could, you know,

ride around on your work stops
with you.

Great. I mean,
if that's cool with you?

Totally, if it's cool with you.

Yeah.

I sneak butter into Andy's food

because his husky look
turns me on.

Two years ago, I was catfished

by a 47-year-old man
on the internet.

It happens.

Hey.

Jules, relax, okay?

You look like a 3-year-old
who has to go to the bathroom.

I'm just excited that
you and my dad are hanging out.

And yes, I also have to pee.

It's no big deal.
We're just going fishing.

My dad hardly ever
takes anyone fishing.

My cousin Grits
once pulled him out of the path

of a speeding car
and saved his life.

But did he take him fishing?
Yes, he did.

Ooh, that didn't support
my point.

Okay, son, let's hit the lake.

Jeez, J-Bird,
hit the can already.

I don't wanna miss
you guys leaving!

- Ooh! Let's pose for a picture.
- You don't have a camera.

I'll do it with my eyes.

Ready? And smile.

Ooh, that's a good one.

I really need to stop enabling
stuff like that.

Bye!

Wow!

I am an awesome matchmaker.

Right now, Chick and Grayson
are fishing,

being best buds,
talking about...

Wait. What do guys
talk about?

I think nicknames
for their penises, mostly.

Wow. Guys are stupid.

Ooh! Speaking of
amazing matchmaking skills,

check out my handiwork.
Waabam!

♪ drop it low, low,
drop it low ♪

♪ drop, drop it low,
drop it low ♪

♪ drop it low, low, drop it low,
drop it low ♪

That is some impressive
choreographed walking.

Do you think
they practice that?

Oh, hey, guys.

Just out power shopping,
which, it turns out,

is power walking plus shopping.

Often complemented
with an iced coffee

or frozen kale-based drink.

- That's magnificent.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, bubble butt!
Pick up the pace!

Coming, Leah!

Did she just call you
"bubble butt"?

Oh, it's a friendly nickname.

And let's face it--
papi's got back!

W--

Oh, I don't like
the looks of this.

Since when can you drink kale?

I just feel like I can't share
anything personal with Andy.

Is that because
he doesn't listen?

Oh, no, he listens hard.

Too hard.

If I say I had a bad day,
sometimes he cries.

For hours.

The only way I can cheer him up
is to have sex with him.

It's not fair.

Yeah, I don't share
personal stuff with Laurie

because she always has a story
to one-up me.

It's easy talking to you. We can
have an actual conversation.

Totally.

I mean, at first, we were
just talking about, you know,

work frustrations or whatever.

But now I feel like I could
talk to you about anything.

Definitely.

- There's a mutual trust here.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, it's just you and me,

opening up about things that
we couldn't say to anyone else,

including the people we're
in actual relationships with.

Oh, my God. We're having
an emotional affair.

Okay, should I get dad
and Grayson BFF necklaces

or best friend t-shirts
with their picture on it?

- Hey, Jules.
- Yeah?

Um, when two guys go fishing,

they normally do that
at, like, water, right?

Bruce Willis was all like...

Hi! What...

What's up?

I thought you and Chick
were fishing.

Oh, hey, did Andy get in
with the Leahs?

Lucky dog.
These gals run this town.

I'm so mad at you,
ditching my dad.

And yeah, I can be mad and eat.

I didn't ditch Chick.
We ditched each other.

It was a mutual ditch.

Okay, so you both lied.

Now he's just wandering
the streets by himself

because you were too selfish
to hang out with him.

Now if he's missing, I'm gonna
have to call the police.

Jules, stop. He's not missing.

He's fine. Come with me.

Oh, I guess our bro-date
to the movies

doesn't mean anything.

And now playing big fat idiot--
Tom.

No. No.

I'm so ashamed.

Don't be so hard on yourself,
okay?

There were two of us
in that van.

I've just been
so stressed lately,

and there you were,
all pale and asexual

and didn't seem
remotely dangerous.

It just happened.

Well, in fairness,

you were the one
who opened up first.

It was unexpected.
It made me lower my guard.

I got sucked in.

Are you saying that
I emotionally seduced you?

I didn't seduce you.

If I seduced you,
you would know it.

Please stop saying "Seduced."

- Hi, guys.
- I didn't do anything!

I'll have, uh, anything
infused with cucumber.

I'm trying to cut back
on my calories.

And cucumber is awesome
for your skin.

I love your skin.

I love you. Mwah!

Dial it back.

- Hey, babe.
- I'm a good person.

Okay.

You know, the most horrible girl
I ever knew

was actually named Goodperson.

So this one Halloween, we...

No.

Do not tell
the Angel Goodperson story

anywhere near a child.

Andy, I wanna talk to you
about something really fast.

We have to stop
sharing feelings.

- I can't live with the lies.
- I know.

- It's filthy.
- Shameful.

- I don't want it to stop.
- I'll get the van.

About the mom club...

You want in, right?

Sometimes,
a pack of alpha bitches

will take on a new member.

Sort of... a Patsy.

Andy, you're their Patsy.

I'm... their fall guy?

What? No.

Patsy was
a girl from high school

that my group of alpha bitches
took on as a new member.

We made her do stuff for us--
you know, like our homework

or bitch slap teachers
who were failing us.

You're-- you're crazy.
The Leahs love me.

That's why they let me
carry all their stuff

and call me "bubble butt."

I know
they don't like me, Laurie.

I've always known.

Then why do you hang out
with them?

Because I'm new
on the elementary school scene

and I don't have
one parent friend.

And I may be the Patsy
of the group,

but at least I'm in the group,
right?

And to be honest, I think I'm
starting to earn their respect.

Hey, yoga in five.

We need you to carry our mats.

At your service!

Dad, are you here?

Shoot.
I could've sworn he said

he'd be here eating butterscotch
and watching Blue Bloods.

Just like you could've sworn
he was at the VFW

or the boot barn
or the hardware store?

You keep taking me places,
and he's not there.

Marlo's! Oh, of course!

This is the time of day

he always gets a hankering
for fro-yo.

Okay, stop it.
I'm calling the police.

Jules, stop.

Your dad's fine,
and I know where he is.

And this time,
I'm not just stalling

or intentionally wasting time

like I have been
for the last two hours.

You've been taking me
on an angry goose chase?

No, I've been taking you
on a wild-goose chase.

That's not a thing. Why would
anyone chase a wild goose?

Why would anyone chase
an angry goose?

Because they stole your corn.

Jules, can you just trust me?

Drive. I have a lot
to unload today.

Ellie...

- I can't.
- Can't what?

I can't do this anymore.

After I left the pub,
Laurie called

to finish
the Angel Goodperson story.

If she's sharing things
with me,

how can I share
with someone else?

Don't say it.

It's over.

You don't say it's over.

I will make your whole world
come crashing down.

Why would you wanna do that?

Oh. I'm sorry.

I just find threatening people
relaxing.

You're right. I don't wanna
keep things from Andy,

even if I have to climb
on top of him

to cheer him up when I'm sad.

Yeah.

You know all those deep,
personal things I told you?

I will never forget them.

I was gonna say,

do you know all the deep,
personal things I told you?

Forget them, or so help me God,

I will catfish you again.

That was you?!

Oh, well, well.
If it isn't the alpha bitches.

Go away.

High school me
would've already destroyed you,

dismantling your bitch pack

and claiming your scattered,
newly orphaned bitches

as my own.

Oh, no! Don't kill her, please.
Please.

But I'm a mom now,

and now my baby is old enough
to go outside--

he's gotten his cradle cap
and baby acne under control.

And I'm in the market
for a new mom friend.

You wanna join
our cool yoga group?

No. I'm looking for someone
who's actually cool.

You know, fun, considerate,

and self-confident enough that
they don't need to parade around

like some pompous,
snooty-ass bitch

who is so shallow and obnoxious

that it makes me wanna
reach around from behind

and choke her with her own
badly installed implants.

So I'm gonna be over there
doing some yoga'ing

and if anyone fits
that description,

come and join me.

Sorry, baby.

She means me.

See ya!

Hey, what do you know?

Vacant spot in the Leahs...
A Tom...

This just makes sense.

Why'd you bring me to the park?

Well, Jules,
you like to be involved

in the lives
of the people you love.

Very, very involved--
like the time you left

step-by-step instructions
for Trav

on the night he lost
his virginity.

I wanted him to feel
I was right there by his side.

Sometimes, when a person
is making a big step,

trying something
a little difficult,

well, sometimes
they're not ready

to share with other people.

♪ there's no hesitation ♪

♪ oh, baby ♪

Why is my dad holding hands
with that stranger?

Is she trying
to steal his watch?

Jules, your dad is on a date.

My dad is on a date?

He's still trying to get to know her.

He wanted to take some time
and work some stuff out, but...

Then you started to pry
and ask questions

and forced us to go
on playdates together, so...

Chick and I made a plan
to play along.

You know, you doing all that
for my dad,

making a plan
and having his back...

that's best buddy stuff.

Don't be ridiculous.
Jules, seriously?

I had a cup of coffee
and some wine.

- I'm gonna find you a bathroom.
- No, no, no.

Shh, shh.
I don't wanna miss this.

Okay, maybe I need a bush.

- Or a cup. Get me a cup.
- Okay, I'm gonna walk away.

Yeah, no, get me a cup.
Come back!

Oh. Travis.

Ellie. Hi.

- Hi. What are you up to?
- How are you?

Well...

Oh. I'm well.

Um, getting in the zone
at work.

You know. And you?

The-- the-- the winebulance?

- No complaints.
- I'm just, um...

Here to get, uh... takeout.

It was good to see you.

And you.

Hey, maybe sometime we could...

Don't.

Just-- don't.