Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 4 - Waiting for Tonight - full transcript

Mmm! [ Smacks lips ]
This is nice.

It's my favorite time of day--
just you and me

and 20 seconds
of total peace and quiet...

...until your dad
wakes up the entire state

with one of his sneezes.

Ah-choo!

Ah. Morning!

True story-- one of his sneezes
killed Scott Baio.

- He's still alive.
- No, that was our dog.

Yeah, I killed a parakeet, too.

Then the neighbors stop by
mid-argument for coffee.



Andy: I have to stay in a hotel
to clip my toenails?

You are not clipping
those talons in my house.

It's like walking
on broken glass.

New parents
pop in with a question.

Hey, guys, okay, is it normal
for diaper rash to kind of...

Go around the corner?

Gross, and yes.

Then there's the wild card.

[ Yodeling ]

Met a Swiss gal on
the operating table last week,

so, uh, I'm working
on my yodel.

It's their mating call.

Same time tomorrow?

- See you then.
- [ Both chuckle ]



- You know, it's my house, too.
- It's okay. It's just a rash.

- Okay, go to the doctor?
- The hat is too much?

- [ Sneezes ]
- [ All speaking indistinctly ]

Seriously?

6x04
Waiting For Tonight

- Hey, babe.
- Mm.

- Ooh, you look great.
- Thanks.

Ooh, you might want
to let that cool.

No time. I got to go close
on that two-bedroom apartment.

Mm! Wow!
Burned my tongue.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I think I'll have some yogurt.

[ Inhales deeply, sighs ]

There's my classy gal.

So, it's been a while

since the two of us have had
some time to ourselves.

Yeah, I've noticed that, too.

But tonight, your dad's gonna be
out of the house,

rehearsing
with that ridiculous jug band.

The Jugs.
It's a play on The Judds,

but with, you know...
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] I know.
I just like to hear you say it.

Anyway, you know
that fancy tapas place

- where it's impossible to get a table?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I got us a table.
[ Chuckles ]

How?!
That's only for cool people.

I had to convince them
I was scouting locations

for the Lou Diamond Phillip's

Native American jewelry line
launch party.

So if you see me
wearing a necklace later,

just go with it.

Tonight?
That is so sweet...

and also slightly annoying,

'cause I have like 20 things
I've got to do.

And I told Trav and Laurie
I'd watch the baby tonight.

[ Sighs ]

I just thought
it'd be a cool surprise.

I'll go cancel it.

Is that "sad body"?

I mean,
I can rearrange a few things

and just find
a substitute sitter for tonight.

- I'm free.
- Shocking!

Plus, I can do two dozen ambient
sounds that soothe babies.

Uh, this is
"migrating whale pod."

[ Whining hum ]

[ Chuckles ]

Mm.

You know, I thought
that would be horrible,

but that's like a deep-tissue
massage for the soul.

Keep 'em coming!

"Happy cat."
[ Purring ]

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, for Stan's birthday,

we need cake, ice cream,

party hats...

Oh, balloons.

Ugh.

Stan is turning 7.
He deserves an awesome party.

You know, traditionally,
in Cuba, when you turn 7,

you get to smoke
your first cigar.

Let me plan it.

No. I love planning
my son's parties.

Let me make you a deal.

You know how you and I
have a dinner tonight

with my new clients
and their wives?

[ Sighs ]

Let me plan Stan's party,
and you can skip it.

- Done.
- Hmm.

Hey, you guys, you know, we're
celebrating something, too.

Today, Baby Bobby
turns six weeks old.

And six weeks after childbirth

means Laurie and I
can finally...

officially...

get it on!

- Ugh.
- Bleh.

The thought of you having sex

sends a cold chill of disgust
down our spines.

You know what? We should
synchronize our reactions--

your shudder with my bleh.

I'll try it.

- Ugh.
- Bleh.

I like it.
Change approved.

[ Giggling ]
You guys.

What, it doesn't bother you
that they're grossed out by us?

Oh, sweetie, it's not us.
Observe.

I once had sex
with Willie Nelson,

but it turned out
it wasn't Willie Nelson.

It was just an old lady.

I occasionally let Travis
have sex with me.

- Ugh.
- Bleh.

See?
They're just repulsed by you.

Great.
That's much better.

That reminds me-- time for
my romantic tip of the day.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Tweet larmy.
[ Cellphone beeps ]

I got carpal tunnel going on
from lifting up the baby,

so I can't text, so I have
to dictate all my tweets.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Slowly ]
Before boning dude in--

Let me just type for you,

which is easier
than having to hear you

and having to then stab you.

Oh, about time to drop
Baby Bobby off with Jules

so mommy and I
can get our freak on.

- Ugh. - Bleh.
- Blech.

Bonnie,
you barely even know me.

I know you plus sex
equals gross.

[ Groans ]

Oh, hey!
Got some roller skates.

It's a really good workout.

Did you know
that this works your butt?

Actually, formally,
it works your butt cheeks.

That's the real place
that it works.

It makes them very, very tight,
very taut,

- hard as a rock, you know?
- [ Grunts ]

So, Tom is helping you babysit?

Jules: Yep.
You know, he's a doctor.

It's good to have him around

just in case Grayson and I
accidentally fall asleep

from having such a lame,
uneventful night.

Bye, sweetie.
Mama loves you so much.

I'm gonna be thinking about you
every second.

Not every second.
Not when we're, uh...

- Ew.
- [ Shudders ]

Ellie came by
and showed us how.

Glad you're on board.

How long
do you think it'll last?

- Oh, I'm guessing forever, bae.
- [ Sighs ]

- You guys have a great time.
- [ Door closes ]

Okay, they're gone.
Let's do this!

[ Grunts ]

Do we really have to
lie to the gang

- about going out to dinner?
- Are you kidding?

They find out we're gonna
have fun without them,

they're gonna
come out of the woodwork.

You're dressed up.

Are you going out?
May I come?

Oh, no, no.
We're not going out.

[ Chuckles ]
I just, um...

I-I wanted to look hot
for Baby Bobby.

Yeah. Me too.

All right. Stay low.
Head for the door.

Trav and Laurie are turning
around. They're coming back.

Back door! Stay low!

What's going on there?!
I hear scurrying.

No, there's no scurrying.
Just, um...

Baby stuff.

Why is Tom there?
What are you doing over there?

Why are you inside the house?

Hey.
Is Jules here?

She was home a minute ago,
and now she's gone.

Yeah, Laurie just needs
a little reassurance on the baby

before we, uh...

- head home.
- Ugh.

- I didn't even say it.
- You thought it.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Tweet larmy--

after six weeks on the DL,
my lady parts--

I would rather type
than hear that.

[ Keypad clicking ]

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Cellphone beeps ]

"My lady parts are supes stoked

to get back into
naked spin class."

That's really good.

Yeah, because it's not hard

spitting out skank-speak
to idiots.

So you got lucky
with one sweet tweet, you know,

but the larmy demands a constant
stream of my brain gems.

I'm sure it's quite a challenge
to produce genius such as...

Oh, "Just twerked
for six straight minutes.

#reaching goals."

You think it's easy
to keep my tweeples stoked

for an entire day?

Prove it.

[ Keypad clicking ]

"Just totes got tweet-challenged
by a hooba-skank."

- [ Cellphone beeps ]
- Oh, they like that.

- [ Cellphone chiming ]
- What's a retweet?

Oh, here's another.
Is that good?

I mean...

Where'd mom and Grayson go?
Her car's still here.

Ooh, God.
I don't know.

I just realized my boobs
are hard as rocks.

Oh, hey, baby.
I'm turned on, too.

- You don't really know how
boobs work, do you? - No, I don't.

I have to feed Baby Bobby.
Come on.

We did it!
We're free!

- [ Engine turns over ]
- Whew!

Sexy dinner, here we come.

Jules!

- Aah!
- [ Thud ]

Watch out for Bonnie?

- She's fine. I barely tapped her.
- With a 3,000-pound car.

But she doesn't even
have a scratch.

Hon, do you want me
to call the doctor?

Oh, no, I have everything I need
right here.

Put her on the couch.
I'll get some water.

Here you go.
[ Grunts ]

What are you doing?
Put her down.

[ Straining ] I'm trying.
She's on me like a koala.

Gah!

[ Panting ] Look, Jules...

If we get Jerry
to pick her up right now,

we can still make dinner.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm too hurt to be moved.

I'm calling your husband.
What's Jerry's number?

Oh. [ Sighs ] I don't remember.

I can only remember
my lawyer's number.

[ Sighs ]

And there goes dinner.

Well, guess I don't need
this wearable art anymore.

If you need me,
I'll be in my bed.

Ooh, I wonder
if I'd heal faster

if I was up in that bed
with him.

Well, wonder away.
It ain't gonna happen.

I just walked into my room

to find Laurie nursing
on my bed.

Ew!

The baby, not Trav.

Oh.
Well, that's beautiful.

So, I have no sexy tapas night,

a milking mom on my bed,

and a psychotic lunatic
on my couch.

Guess I'll just, uh,
go stand in the yard.

You know what?
I can fix this.

I'm gonna go down
to that restaurant,

and I'm gonna get us
another reservation.

Good luck! I had to beg
for a crappy 6:00 table.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Mm. Every time we make eye
contact, my whole body shakes.

[ Scoffs ]

Whew. Caught me.
[ Giggles ]

What are you doing here? I thought you
and Laurie were supposed to be-- bleh!

We are, but Laurie had
to feed Baby Bobby

so we called a one-hour delay
on the spanks.

- Aah.
- Right.

To Gray's pub and bey--

beyond!

To gray's pub and beyond!
[ Laughs ]

I'm Buzz Lightyear!

Pixar, man, in the house!

Yeah! What do you think, Ellie?

"Supes sad when grown men
rock a bone for kids' toys."

Great. Stan's gonna have
the best birthday.

"I have a cuz named Birthday.
Her stripper mom went into labor

- jumping out a giant cake."
- [ Cellphone beeps ]

I just wanted to show it off.
Can you help me get out?

I get charged double
if I get sweat stains in it.

Uh, hold on.
The suit is...

Awesome?
[ Chuckles ]

It's also stuck.

Hilarious.

Trav? Hilarious?

Got to get out of this.
Got to get out of it.

Now it's hilarious.

Hi. Uh, my husband and I have
reservations tonight at 6:00,

but I ran over someone
with my car,

so I was wondering, could we get
a table just a little bit later?

- "N" to the "O." We're booked.
- "N" to the "O"?

Oh, sorry, got it.

"No."
[ Chuckles ]

Um, look, this is really
something he wants, so...

This is chez fray--
supes swank

and tuna tartare so totes tight
it'll make your face melt.

Walk-up rezzie to this restie?
Sha.

Right. So, um...

What?

Totes... booked.

I'll be right back.

You. Ugh.

"N" plus "O," "K"?

Okay, I'm pretty sure
you're using words.

They're just not words I know,
so I brought a translator.

Hey, chestie bestie.
No tabes for my girl?

Your girl's trippin'.

No walk-up rezzies
at chez to the fray.

- Def?
- Snagging tabes is supes hard.

- How supes?
- Totes supes.

- Totes supes? Real?
- Real. Walk-ups are imposs.

Feel.

What if lady peeps
and her sugar "D"

grabbed a high-top
bar-sides?

Swingsies for a chestie bestie?

I can maybe swingsies
bar-sides.

Ray owes me a fave 'cause I used
to let him motor-b my speed bags.

Use 'em if you got 'em.

Def throw a bro a motor-b
and grab a fave.

Totes.

I can hook a bar slice at ocho,

but ocho on the nizzy
on the dot.

Sharp ocho on the dot, real.

- Feel.
- Love.

[ Both smooch ]

What the hell just happened?

Um, it's a tabes
for two at 8:00.

Okay, I got to hurry.
Um, wow.

Your Laurie
is getting scary good.

I'm in her head.
There's tons of room.

You're the best.

[ Thinking ]
Fact-- I'm a supes bestie.

Wait.
Why am I thinking in Laurie?

OMG-string.
My brain is stuck.

My brain is totes stuck.

Bums.

[ Strains ]

Aah!

[ Inhales sharply, grunts ]

Jerry down.
Suit still on.

Please, I have to pee so badly!

Think!

- [ Laughter ]
- Yeah, all right.

All right.
One, two...

- Three!
- [ Creaking ]

I think it's working!
I hear tearing!

It's not the suit!
It's me.

- [ Grunts ]
- Ooh, was that a pop?

That thing's on you
like a bear trap.

Is there at least a zipper
so you can use the bathroom?

- I don't have to go anymore.
- What?

What? Nothing.
Shut up.

Travis,
I have to get out of this suit

before my dinner at 8:00.

It's with
really important clients!

It's already 5:30!

Yeah, that watch
might be slightly off

since it's a sticker.

It's 7:45.

7:45?! They're gonna be there
any minute! I'm screwed!

[ Heroic music plays ]

Where you going?

To dinner... and beyond!

Why are you still outside?

Grayson: It's my new spot,

- right here next to the bug zapper.
- [ Electricity crackling ]

And why is Bonnie hard-core
spooning your sweats?

She must've gotten into the
laundry when I wasn't looking.

Well, I've never felt bad for a pair of
sweatpants before, but that is assault.

[ Couch squeaking ]

Get this--
we got a table.

- Our dinner's back on.
- How?!

Ellie's friend called in a fave

'cause ray motor-b'd
her speed bags.

I don't know what that means,
but we got a table!

[ Laughs ]
Is Tom here?

Will he still watch the baby
when Laurie's done feeding him?

Yeah, he just ran home
for a second.

- Great.
- [ Laughs ]

Let's do this!
Hey, what is a motor-b?

I'll show you later.

I can't believe this.

I mean, I thought the night
was ruined when you hit Bonnie.

When I hit Bonnie?

We were both in the car.
We hit Bonnie.

"We"?
[ Chuckles ]

Okay, okay, who cares?

Oh, can you focus on the road?

I'm focusing.
I know how to drive.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Uh, I-I'm okay, uh,
but could you stop the car?

I'm hitting the brake
as hard I can!

No, I think that's the gas.

We seem to be going faster.

- Jules, stop!
- [ Tires screech ]

- Oh! There it is!
- [ Groans ]

We did it again.

[ Strained ]
Thanks for the lift, Grayson.

I'll be okay.

I've sustained
lots of serious injuries

during my high-school
football days.

You played football?
What position?

Sousaphone.

Good news. The damage to the car
isn't too bad.

- [ Tom clears his throat ]
- What? It isn't.

Whew! Well, that was a doozy
of a breast sesh.

Baby Bobby just tapped out
my mammies.

Sounds like a busy day
at the "breastaurant."

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, I don't even think
this bra fits anymore.

All right.
[ Sighs ]

Listen, I guess it's time for me
to go let Travis hit this.

[ All shudder ]

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Door opens, closes ]

Well, I guess I'll take off.

Oh, wait.
Where you going?

Work. I just wanted one night
for us, Jules--

just one night.
We couldn't even get that.

Jules is really sexy
when she's sad. Mm.

You are one odd-ass duck,
Bonnie.

[ Heroic music plays ]

- [ Music stops ]
- [ Coughs ]

[ Back cracks ]

[ Music resumes ]

Clear the way!

Iconic animated superhero
coming through!

Good day, citizen.

Running out of time!
Must get to restaurant!

[ Cheering ]

[ Whoosh! ]

[ Country music playing ]

Well, your bright, hateful light
seems to have dimmed.

What's going on?

[ Slowly ]
Tweeting so long as Laurie...

[As Laurie] That I can't get
her Jelly voice out my brain.

Ohh, you went too deep
into character.

You've gone full
Daniel Day-Lewis.

[ Chuckles ]

Heard about this
in acting class.

I always dreamt
it would one day happen to me.

Yeah, like you have the chops
to go full DDL, whatevs.

Hey!
This isn't about me!

See, I can do any emotion.
Damn it. I'm sorry.

Look, I had this audition
for a yogurt spot,

and, uh, they said
that I couldn't do happy.

[ Chuckles ]

I heard the only way out
of a full DDL

is, like, some huge shock
to the system.

I think my sys is totes broke.

I'm so in her crain,
I know what she's doing 24-sevs.

Right now, she and shed-head
are on the couch about to get it on

and she's saying...

Babe, I'm riding
a six-week wave of horny.

I haven't wanted
to saddle and ride this bad

since I watched the DVD extras
of "Stomp The Yard."

[ Inhales sharply ]

And then Trav'll say...

You are the most...

sexy, beautiful thing...

I've ever seen.

And then Jelly says...

Then why don't you get

that little, hairless
seal chest over here

and you kiss me like I got an
itch in the back of my throat?

[ Normal voice ]
No, no, no, no, no!

She's gone.

I was so traumatized

at the thought
of her and Travis having--

[ Both gag ]

If I performed a monologue
for you,

would you maybe
give me some pointers?

Oh, no, I'm never doing that.
You're a horrible actor.

And she's back.

Oh, hey, Jer.
Has Bonnie not called you?

- No, why?
- She got run over by a car.

- Is she okay?
- Yeah. She seems-- she seems fine.

Oh.

Great.

The front entrance is closed.

You'll have to go around
to the back.

Sorry.
I'm a little short on time.

[ Heroic music plays ]

[ All gasp ]

- [ Indistinct conversations ]
- Oh, yeah!

Torres?!
What do you think you're doing?!

I'm...

taking profits...
to infinity and beyond!

I'm fired, aren't I?

[ Mockingly ] Oh, yeah!

Hi, babe.

I'm so sorry about our dinner.

I mean, it's not like
we meant to hit those people.

"We"?
Uh, you were driving.

Oh, my God. You really don't
know how to take responsibility.

Wait.
Why is your bar closed?

Private event.

[ James Bay's "Hear Your Heart" playing ]
Hmm.

I had to get you
out of the house

without anyone else
getting in the way, so...

I faked a sad storm-off.

Are you kidding?!
Oh, my goodness.

I really believed
you were upset.

I knew those acting classes
would pay off!

Suck it, Ellie!

Jules [Sighs]...

I know that our life together
is going to be crazy.

You have so many people
that need you...

and I know
you'll never turn them away.

And I love that about you.

- And you love them, too.
- I don't.

I just want a little more time
for us.

So...

if we can't get
to the sexy restaurant,

I will bring the sexy restaurant
to us.

♪ and I just want
to lay you down your burdens ♪

- ♪ all your fears ♪
- Baby, it's perfect.

I'm glad you like it,

especially since I'm losing
9 grand closing the bar early.

Ooh. Come here.

Wait a minute.
Are you really losing 9 grand,

or are you just trying to
guilt me into having freaky sex?

Freaky sex.
[ Chuckles ]

♪ your heart ♪

[ Engine turns over ]

- Aah! Stop!
- Aah!

[ Scoffs ]

Jerry, what are you doing♪
You have to be more careful!

[ Sighs ] Yeah, sorry. I just
wasn't thinking much about it.

Aah!

Ooh!

[ Panting ] You okay?

[ Panting ] Yeah. You?

Yeah.

Don't tell Grayson.