Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 5 - Even the Losers - full transcript

- [ Door closes ]
- Oh, Trav's here.

I love it when he gets off work
'cause his whole body

smells like [Sniffs] coffee.

Yeah, you know what else
smells like coffee?

Your cup of coffee,
which makes me think

this weird hug
isn't about my smell.

Okay.

Need a stir stick?
Got one.

I also have infinity!

Ah, stealing work supplies--
classic move.

Supply closet's overstocked.



- I'm just helping 'em clear space.
- Mm-hmm.

And I'm saving a fortune
on napkins.

Oh, no.
We're out of sweetener.

[ Gasps ]
My boy is resourceful!

- Oh.
- [ Chuckles ]

_

Andy?

Hello?

This is what happens
when he overdoses on sad.

First, he lost Bobby,
then his job.

Now maybe his wife.

You guys are amateurs.
Watch out.

♪ Andy, Andy ♪

♪ everyone knows he's dandy ♪



♪ he's such a good dude
who's never rude ♪

♪ FYI,
I look great in the nude ♪

♪ but back to my friend
with the great attitude ♪

♪ let's all hear it for Andy ♪

[ Chord plays ]

[ Weakly ] Song. Cute.

Ellie: I've never seen him
this down.

It's gotten to the point
that I actually--

what's that word?

"Care"?
He looks like a cross between

my childhood Saint Bernards
and a Cuban eeyore.

He even bailed on teaching
Stan's music class this week.

Andy teaches music?

He used to shake maracas
in his stand-up act

to punctuate any joke
that didn't work.

He shook them quite a lot.

Okay, look, buddy,
so, you lost Bobby,

and you lost your job, okay,

but you're still
the mayor of Gulfhaven.

No one can take that away.

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Beep ]

This is Mayor Torres.

What do you mean,
"Former Mayor Torres"?

I see.

[ Thud ]

Remember how I always
thought you were crazy

for how you loved Travis
so much,

you wanted to shrink down
and live inside his blood?

I am so sorry.
I totally get that now!

I'm so glad.

You know, sometimes
I still sneak in Travis' room

and watch him sleep.

Travis and I live together.

I've said too much.

Can you believe my boss

almost tossed out
these old aprons?

Luckily, I rescued them
for us to use.

- For what? - We could swaddle
little baby Bobby with them.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Trav is so resourceful.

It's basically one step
above dumpster diving.

Exactly-- a step above.
That's even better.

Jules,
it reminds me of... Bobby.

And you know I love me
some Bobby Cobb,

but the guy who sees
a half-eaten taco on the beach

and says,
"Sand snack, score!"

Is not exactly
the ideal financial partner

when you have a baby.

- Maybe you could say something to him.
- Relax.

Travis is nothing like Bobby.

I mean, sure,
he has the Cobb instincts,

but he uses them
in much smarter ways.

50 broken
coffee sleeves--

score.

There's no music class
this week

because Stan's daddy is, um...

Well, he's going through
some things,

so we don't have
a music teacher.

- [ Door closes ]
- You do now!

Who?

Oh, uh, I'm Grayson.

Um, yeah, uh, Stan's mom's
best friend's husband.

His eyes are so tiny.

[ Laughter ]

So, the city council
just stripped you

of your mayorship
out of the blue?

They said
I lost public support.

How could that have happened?

You did fall asleep a lot
in those town-hall meetings.

My chair was too comfortable.

And at that
ribbon-cutting ceremony,

you accidentally cut
that guy's finger off

with the giant scissors.

His doctor sewed it back on.

[ Sighs ]

I've lost my Bobby, lost my job.
Now I've lost my mayorship.

I have nothing.

There was the scandal
over your leaked Dick pic.

That was a picture of me
with a guy named Dick!

That headline was misleading!

- Boom.
- Wow, is that a--

Everlasting
Cobb-gobbler.

Bobby's fridge-raiding
masterpiece.

Oh, by the way, you're out of

turkey, cheese,
mustard, bread--

Basically everything
that goes in a sandwich.

You're really going all in
on this new resourceful,

"slightly bordering on hobo"
thing.

All part of the plan. I'm trying
to save for the future.

- Oh, Trav, that's great.
- Well, yeah. I got a family now.

What did you think
I was doing, freeloading?

You know what?
I'm really impressed.

I'm going to pitch in
to your savings

and help you with your future.

Mom.

Oh, my God!
This is amazing!

[ Gasps ]
This puts me over the top.

- The top of what?
- The thing I've been saving for!

What is this?

- My future!
- Huh?

Not so--

Man, it just sat
in the parking lot

with a for-sale sign
all month.

I'm so lucky no one
grabbed it before me.

Super lucky.

You don't usually
break out Big Chuck

this early in the day.

- Are you okay?
- Great.

Just switching things up
a little bit.

You know, it's like having
breakfast for dinner.

Mmm!

Now, about this van, I mean,

it really is a super-cool idea
for the future.

- I mean, it's like the perfect plan.
- I haven't told you the plan.

Great, cause I do not
understand it.

I think I've found
an untapped market

that, if properly assessed,
may be poised...

to explode.

Okay, I get it.

It's like you have
a huge pile of dynamite,

and you just lit the fuse.
I can see it right now--

I still haven't
told you the idea.

Great, 'cause I still
don't understand it.

I'm gonna show you.

And, mom, trust me,
this isn't some,

like,
get-rich-quick plan.

Oh, like your dad's idea
for the reverse microwave,

where it makes the food cold?

Reverse microwave's a good idea

in a world where a freezer
doesn't exist.

Mom...
[ Sighs ]

you believe in me, right?

Of course.

[ Both laugh ]

You think you maybe want to
put on some pants today?

Pants are for closers.
I'm a bum.

What are you doing?

I always do that.
It turns me on.

Ooh! Ooh!

What is it?

I was thinking about

how you lost your mayor's job.

Stupid city council
impeached me.

Do you think you have
any enemies

on the city council?

Well, there is that rich jerk,
Roger Frank,

who hates me
and wants to destroy me.

Wait, you don't think

he turned the council
against me?

It did seem weird
that you were impeached

just days after you were fired,

so I called your old company,

and it turns out
they just signed

a new, huge client--
Dustybear Financial.

Guess who
owns Dustybear Financial.

Roger Frank?!

He's behind every bad thing
that's happened to me!

Well, except for Bobby leaving.

Well, it may be a coincidence,

but you know that golf club
in Georgia that hired Bobby?

Guess who their
wealthiest member is.

[ Groans ]

Aah!

I like what I'm seeing here.
[ Chuckles ]

You. You remind me
of me at your age.

I'm gonna call you
"the little lady-killer."

- [ Clicks tongue ]
- [ Chuckles ]

And you seem nice.

And dangerous.

[ Chuckles ]
Play on, playboy.

And I'm gonna call you "Prius,"

because your style is electric.

[ Chuckles ]

Hear you guys got
a little music recital

coming up, huh?

Let's, uh,
check out the playlist.

"Hot Cross Buns,"

uh, Snoozeville.
[ Chuckles ]

I thought you guys

were gonna drop
some funky beats, you know?

Like C+C Music Factory?

Boyz II Men?

ABC? BBD?

It's the East Coast family.

[ Groans ]

Whoa.

You guys know nothing

about the greatest era
in music history?

That's it.
I am taking you to school.

We are at school.

Figure of speech, Prius.

Okay, so here's
my business idea.

You're in your 20s, early 30s.

- I love it!
- That was a hypothetical,

but I like your energy.
[ Chuckles ]

You and your friends are
going out for a wild night.

- What do you do for a ride?
- Call Tom.

Okay, we're having some problems
with hypotheticals.

I'll move on.
You call a cab.

But cabs are boring,

and you and your gang
want a memorable night,

so instead of calling
a lame cab,

you call...

...The Mystery Machine
from "Scooby-Doo"!

- Travis, this is great!
- Oh, The Mystery Machine!

I always wanted to hang
around in that van--

maybe try my luck
with Old Velma.

- You mean Daphne?
- I know what I like.

Okay, well, Tom loves it too,
and he's a brain surgeon.

Travis, you're a genius.

I think I can have this thing

up and running in three months.

What are you, crazy?
[ Laughs ]

We're gonna take this puppy
out on the road now!

Wow. [ Laughs ] Um, thanks, mom.

I am just so psyched for this.

Andy:
I am so psyched for this!

What are you working on?

Taking an untapped market
by storm.

And you?

Raining savage fires of revenge
on Andy's mortal enemy.

Cool. Have fun.

Street kids,
you know what I'm saying?

So they put it together
to become Ronnie, Bobby...

[ Imitating Sprinkler ]
Yeah.

[ Off-key recorders playing ]

No, no, no, no!

You got to play
with your heart.

You got to feel it.

And why wear them backwards?

Yes, because inside-out
is wiggity, wiggity wack.

We are so fly!

[ Triangle playing ]

- [ Recorders playing ]
- Yeah! Huh?!

Now, that is one def ja-a-m!
Ha ha!

We are going to crush
this recital!

All: Tiny Eyes!
Tiny Eyes! Tiny Eyes!

Whoo! Hey, everybody, let me
see. Yeah, back and forth.

This is old-school.
It's how you did it.

- Uh-huh.
Shore: - Mr. Ellis, Mr. Ellis,

this is Mr. Danner.

He is the lead soprano
in the Gulfhaven Glee Club.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Kind of a nerd.

- [ All groan ]
- So, we hired him

as our full-time
music teacher,

so we don't need you anymore.

No, but the recital.

N-no, but thank you.

But our jam is def.

All right, do you have enough
for the repairs?

'Cause we got to get
this baby rolling!

- Bye.
- [ Beep ]

Get what baby rolling?

Your baby. [ Laughs ] Obviously.

- Should be rolling by now.
- Jules?

Okay, well, you told me
that I should talk to Trav

about being more responsible,
so I did.

And then we bought
this old van,

and Trav's a genius,
and Scooby-Doo,

and you're gonna be rich.

Sweetie, I see that
you are insanely excited

about an old van
and a plan from Travis

that seems like
the greatest idea of all time.

But it's not.
You have your mom goggles on.

- "Mom goggles"?
- You know, it's like beer goggles.

You go to a club,
you have a couple drinks,

you meet a 9.9
whose 1/10 deduction

is 'cause he's too hot,
so you ride that train.

The next morning,
you wake up next to a 2.1

with a hamster body
and a gator face.

What?

[ Laughing ] Okay,
Jules, honey,

I can't step in now
and crush his dreams,

but just do me a favor.

The next time you two

are getting so excited
about this genius plan,

I want you to take a step back,
take off the mom goggles,

and take another look,

'cause I think you're
gonna be really surprised

at what you see.

Roger Frank screwed you,

and we're gonna screw
Roger Frank.

Here's the plan.

We need the key
to Roger's office,

but the only time he lets it
out of his sight

is at his weekly massage.

The receptionist
is a hard-ass,

but I've arranged
a distraction.

While I occupy
the laundry attendant...

you steal a uniform...

slip into the room

where Roger is zoned out
post-massage...

take the key...
without being noticed.

Get to the window,
where I'll be waiting.

I'll make a quick copy...

then bring back the original...

which you'll return to Roger...

on your way out the door.

After a quick stop

at my highly illegal
fireworks contact,

we'll have everything we need

to take that bastard down.

Mm.
Say goodnight, Roger.

[ Chuckles ]

What we're really selling
is nostalgia.

I mean, this generation has
a huge love of throwback themes,

things that remind them
of their childhood,

so what we're doing here is...

Laurie: [ Echoing ]
take off the mom goggles.

[ Muffled ] I like Scooby
'cause he's funny,

and shaggy too,
uh, but not really,

and the mysteries
they have to solve

- because of the ghosts.
- Crap.

Shaggy goes, "Zoinks."
[ Laughs ]

And when people see
this thing on the road,

- they're just gonna--
- Trav, stop.

This idea...
It's terrible.

What are you talking about?
We love this idea.

No, you love this idea,

and you love it so much
that you made me love it, too.

How many people do you know
that would actually pay money

to party
on The Mystery Machine?

A lot of people.

There's Tom, my co-worker Sam--
he loves this idea.

And, uh...

Crap.

I'm an idiot.

Oh. No, you're not.

Come on.

Just because this idea
isn't great

doesn't mean the next one's
not gonna be.

I believe in you.

Oh.

Oh, now we're out of wine.

I don't want to go all the way
to the store to get it.

Why can't wine just appear
whenever you want it to?

- Bye.
- Where are you going?

Uh, I just want to go
look into something.

But I'll catch up
with you later--

maybe when you're done
sucking that cork.

Shut up.
I don't do that.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Dang, sad pitt.
Why the long face?

I was dropping mad knowledge
on these shorties

till this wangsta scrub came in
and ganked my crew.

Oh, I was helping out
with a children's music class

till another teacher came in
and took my spot.

I mean, me and the kids
were having so much fun--

you know, really connecting.

And then this guy
just came in and took over.

I feel you.

Back in
my slut-around days,

as soon as I would
roll into a club,

I would lock down
the hottest beef on the grill.

If some club skank
tried to snatch my catch,

I would hog-tie the bitch
with her own extensions,

and I would take back my man!
I would claim that "D"!

You know what I'm saying?

I really don't.

But I can't wait to hear
how it ties in with children.

If you and the kids
had such a great thing,

why should you let
another teacher

- step in and take over?
- You're right!

That was my class.

I mean, I took those kids
on a funky-fresh trip

to 1990 and back.

You know what time it is?

Time to...

♪ pump up the jam ♪

Yay!

Roger Frank
is gonna rue the day

- he took on Andy Torres.
- Okay, remember,

if we get made,
we finger the council

and say everyone's on the take.

Where did you learn all this
cool con-man lingo?

What do you think?
Law school paid for itself?

Now, then, it is time to serve

Roger Frank
and his Dustybear Financial

a little slice of payback pie.

Dustybear Financial--
why does that sound familiar?

- Boo! Don't let the payback pie get cold!
- Right!

- Oh, hey! Are you here for the show?
- I don't know.

Grayson texted me and said,

"Come to the plaza for some" --
hold on--

"zoom, zoom, zoom,
and a boom, boom."

- [ Both laugh ]
- I don't know what that is,

so I brought some sweats
and an apple, just in case.

Okay, I talked to Travis,

and I tried to
take off my mom goggles.

Business whiz, or mega nerd?

It took everything I could do

not to give him a super wedgie.

Laurie, I'm so sorry

I encouraged
this terrible idea.

It's okay, honey.

It just shows
how much you care, you know?

And I get it now.

Just this morning,
I was changing Baby Bobby,

and he caught me with a laser
of pee right between the eyes,

and all I could think was,

"That's amazing aim,
little guy."

[ Gasps ]
He's so talented!

Oh, wait.
Do I have grandma goggles?

You have lots of
different goggles, Jules.

But I love you for 'em.

Kids, you're gonna hit the last
note of "Twinkle, Twinkle,"

and then-- kapow--
right into "Buns."

Hot-cross
your own buns.

My class has a jam to pump.

- You guys with me?!
All: - Yeah!

- That guy is wack.
- [ Laughs ]

All: Tiny Eyes!
Tiny Eyes! Tiny Eyes!

I think revenge

is a dish best served flaming.

Why did you do that?
It was such a cool line.

The other day, you mentioned
your Saint Bernards.

You had two, I believe.
What were their names?

I don't think we ever
got around to naming them.

Dusty and Bear?

I thought Dustybear Financial
had an odd ring to it.

You made it up.
Roger didn't get me fired.

And he didn't derail
my mayorship.

I did, by being a sucky mayor.

The jig is up, sweetheart.

You baited me
with an old newspaper,

cooked up this plan,

then ran me around
on a wild-goose chase.

Why?

You were so down,

and I-- I wanted to get
that spark back.

What better way than blowing up
someone's office?

But does it spoil
all the fun we had

to know I made it all up?

The fact that you made
all this up for me

is so much better
than any revenge.

- Boom.
- [ Chuckles ]

Listen up.

So, Roger didn't fire you...
but he is a total d-bag.

Yeah,
tremendous d-bag.

Shall we?

Let's. Come on.

Hey! Laurie, mom!

I want to show you
guys something.

I had an idea. Actually,
something mom said

gave me an idea.

So I took the van to...

Here, just come with me.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

Meet the Winebulance.

So, you're out of wine,

but you don't want to
go to the store,

so you call Gulfhaven's
only mobile wine bar.

What do you think?

This is the greatest idea ever!

Or the worst.
Laurie?

I think it's great.
No, really, Travis.

I-I-- actually,
I think it's brilliant.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, hey.
Here, take a flier.

I knew Travis was a genius!

God, you know what?
I have to say, "You were right."

And you can really tell
he's been working out.

Uh, you can't.
He hasn't.

I mean...

- [ Indistinct conversations ]
- [ Laughs ]

And next up, please welcome

Ms. Corsino's
first-grade class.

[ Applause ]

- ♪ everybody, dance now ♪
[ Rapping ] - ♪ here is the dome ♪

♪ back with the bass ♪

♪ the jam is live in effect,
and I don't waste ♪

♪ time on the mike
with a dope rhyme ♪

♪ jump to the rhythm,
jump, jump to the rhythm, jump ♪

♪ and I'm here to combine ♪

♪ beats and lyrics
to make your shake your pants ♪

♪ take a chance,
come on and dance ♪

♪ guys, grab a girl,
don't wait, make her twirl ♪

♪ it's your world,
and I'm just a squirrel ♪

♪ trying to get a nut
to move your butt ♪

♪ to the dance floor,
so, yo, what's up? ♪

♪ hands in the air,
come on and say, "Yeah" ♪

♪ everybody over here,
everybody over there ♪

♪ the crowd is live
as I pursue this groove ♪

♪ party people in the house ♪

♪ everybody, dance now ♪

[ All ] Ho!

[ Weak applause ]

- Let's leave before he sees us.
- Yeah. Good idea.

[ Fireworks popping ]

Thank you for helping me

through a very strange time
in my life.

If this was all fake,

how come you have
an illegal-fireworks guy?

I'm a stay-at-home mom
with a full-time nanny.

I get up to stuff.

And what goes well
with an LA face?

It's an Oakland booty.

- Jump around.
- [ Laughter ]

Jump around.
Jump around. Jump around.

Jump around-- Now stop!

Oh-ho, yeah.

Let's do this! Whoo!

Okay, and, uh,
by a show of hands,

who is down
with the East Coast,

and who's down
with the West Coast?

[ Imitating Sprinkler ]

All the way around!

[ Laughs ]

[ Imitates whip ]