Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 3 - To Find a Friend - full transcript

Baby Bobby
is the cutest baby ever.

[ Sniffs ]

Oh!
There's the stuff.

- [ Sniffs ]
- Make room. I'm coming in.

All right.

Okay. You guys, seriously,
you need to be careful.

My cousin Tess actually
got addicted to baby smell.

It nearly ruined her life.

She caught one whiff
of that sweet baby musk

at a birthday party,
and the next thing you know,

she was doing bumps off
of random babies at the park.



Well, thanks for all the help
with our first week as parents.

Think we're ready
to take Little Bobby home

and handle him on our own now.

[ Laughter ]

What?

Oh, you're just in
for a wild ride,

'cause the first time
two parents

are alone with their baby,
things can get a little crazy.

The first few days
we had Stan on our own,

I was so tired and cranky,
I turned into a total bitch.

And I never turned back.

I was so overwhelmed
with our first kid,

I didn't have a second
to take care of myself.

Little tip--
adult diapers.



You guys are making it sound

like some kind of horror movie.

Just take as much sleep as you
can find, don't forget to eat,

and, um, if it gets too crazy,
call me.

Thank you, you guys,
but I'm pretty sure

we can handle our kid
on our own.

- We got it.
- [ Both chuckle ]

Wait for it.

- Little oversight.
- Don't judge us.

Say goodbye to grandma.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Wait!
[ Stammering ]

Good luck.

They're screwed.

6x03
To Find A Friend

I still can't believe
I'm a grandma.

Oh, don't worry, Jules.
You're still a total GILF.

What?

[ Whispers indistinctly ]

Tom!

Wait. No, actually, I'll--
I'll take that compliment.

Gross.

So, how's Andy doing?

I mean, I haven't seen him
since Bobby left

to take that golf-pro job
in Georgia.

He tried to go to the hospital
with a broken heart.

He hasn't even slept home
in the past few days

'cause he's been sulking
on Bobby's boat.

It's been great.

I should probably
go check on him.

Oh, no.
I got to open the bar.

I wish it wasn't so hard for me
to find people to cover for me,

but my job
is really challenging.

[ Laughter ]

Wait. You're serious?

What's the challenging part?

Is it tilting the bottle up
or tilting it down?

Bartender's elbow
is a real thing,

and my job is more
than just pouring drinks.

None of you guys could do it.

No? All right.
Let's find out.

Come on.
Just for a couple hours.

Ellie and I will man the bar
while you go check on Andy.

Fine.
But please... be careful.

Relax.
We got this.

If that idiot can do it,
we can do it.

I'm still here.

I know!

Andy?

[ Groaning ]

Good lord, man.
What happened to you?

You look like a contestant
on a Bear Grylls show.

Are you wearing
Bobby's clothes?

They still have his scent--
saltwater and tacos.

I'm not entirely sure
what to do here.

I've never been left
by a boyfriend.

Come on.
Let's get you a beer.

That was his favorite drink!

It still is.
He's not dead.

Come on. We need
to get you out of here.

Grayson, will--
will you pat my head

and call me "Ando"
like he used to?

Her de der, Ando.

[ Chuckles ]

Her de der.

Okay, got a chardonnay
for Cabbage Patch,

lemon drop for Tube Top,

I got a cab
for Chocolate Mountain,

piña colada for SPF Nada,

and a tall cold one
for Lady Fonz.

[ As Fonzie ] Ehh.

More wine?

We'd love to,
but our husbands are waiting.

Oh, I'm not hearing a problem.

I am having so much fun.

Me too!

And I'm the master
at nicknames.

Check this out.
Okay.

Suds up, Perv Stache.

My friends said this was cool.
[ Chuckles ]

Your friends are wrong.

Okay.
[ Laughs ]

- That was easy.
- [ Chuckles ]

He fell right asleep.

I mean, like a dream,
no problem.

Feeding him, he just latched on
to the old milk jugs.

Ugh, babe,
could you please not say--

Milk jugs. Sorry.

No.
That's what they are.

I meant "Latch."
Oh, God, I hate that word.

I mean, taking care of a baby
is easier

than taking care
of my virtual Tamagotchi pet.

How did you ever
get me pregnant?

- Well...
- Well...

Ah, the gang thought
we couldn't handle this.

But Baby Bobby
is sleeping so peacefully,

- I can't even hear a sound.
- [ Static ]

Why can't we hear a sound?
Shouldn't we hear a sound?

Breathing is a sound. Go!

Go!

Keep going.
Look. I still see room.

I don't know why
you're slowing down.

You call that food,
Quarter Eyes?

[ Chuckles ] See what I'm doing?
I'm being you guys.

Get it?

So, how'd it go today?

Much harder than expected.

One guy wanted
a beer and a water.

I had to use both hands
to carry it.

It was really touch-and-go
for a second.

And then things got really nuts
when I had to give a beer

to a guy over here
and then another guy

all the way over here.

Okay, so, fine.

You handled
a dull morning shift.

That's easy.

Night is where
it really gets cray.

Andy: [ Groans ]

Andy, what are you doing?

[ Voice breaking ] Fell off my stool!
Too sad to get up!

Aw, it makes me want to cry.

Me too.
But for other reasons.

[ Sobbing ] Bobby!

All right, someone needs
to take care of that.

Someone other than me.

You know,
you could help Andy now.

You could take
the whole weekend,

and Ellie and I
can watch the bar.

The weekend?!
Now you're being cray.

Stop saying "Cray"!

Now, look, if we handle the bar
and you help Andy,

then everybody wins.

Okay. Fine.

But as soon as
there's any trouble,

you have to call me
to come back and fix it

and to do my
"Ha ha, I was right" dance.

Ha ha. I was right.
Ha ha. I was right.

Ha ha whoo ha ha.
[ Chuckles ]

Come on, Andy.
Let's go.

[ Sobs ]

Bobby used to drive me
this way.

This bar is ours.

[ Bell rings ]

Oh, we kicked total ass
at the bar last night.

We made people so happy.

Right, but that may
have been the alcohol.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
And we gave it to them.

We did.

What?

We just opened the door and
walked in without using keys.

Oh.

- Didn't you lock up?!
- Didn't you lock up?!

[ Scoffs ]

Wait. I'm sure
everything's okay.

I mean,
it's a safe town, right?

Um, well, that depends.

Was the register wide open and
completely empty when we left?

Then we've been robbed!

Dun-dun-duuuun!

I don't know why
I did that. Sorry.

Okay, I thought it over,
and I've come to the conclusion

that we were robbed.

I thought we
established that already.

All right, I guess we're
gonna have to call the police.

But if we call the police,
then Grayson's gonna know

that we screwed up.

- [ Receiver clicks ]
- He's gonna find out anyway.

Ugh, we're never
gonna hear the end of it.

But he knows how much cash
we made last night.

Oh, he's gonna be so obnoxious!

[ Receiver clicks ]
I got to go.

Okay, wait.
Let's think.

We're out 3 grand.

What if we paid it back
ourselves?

That's a great idea.

You know, I've got, uh, $8.

And I have...
Let's see.

$2.
Oh, and a giant pearl!

That's a Mento.

- Oh.
- No.

Okay, what are we gonna do?

What if we made 3 grand in cash
all under the table

- and say it's from last night?
- Yeah? How?

Can I get a beer?

Sure thing.

5 bucks, one warm beer.

Can I have a cold beer?

Sure.

8 bucks.
Refrigeration fee.

[ Gasps ]
I get it.

We're gonna nickel-and-dime
these suckers to death!

No, no, not you.
Different suckers.

Is he supposed to have
that dry skin on his head?

It's... scaly.

It's lizardy.

[ Sighs ] That's it.
I'm checking Google.

Oh, my gosh. Type in
"Scaly baby lizard head."

Does he have
restricted movement?

He's in a swaddle,
but yes! Yes!

Oh, man!

I think he's got hereditary
equine regional dermal asthenia.

Okay, I'm calling Jules.

No! Wait, wait.

I'm on a veterinary site.
[ Chuckles ]

It's a horse disease.

[ Baby Bobby hiccups ]

- Aah! What?!
- What was that?

- He's throwing up air!
- What?

- Oh, my God! What do we do?
- Let's just rock him back and forth.

I don't know, Grayson.
This seems like a bad idea.

You lost a best friend.

The obvious solution
is to find a new one with...

the Bobby Cobb
replacement challenge!

With them?

You got Tom.
He's...

And, uh, Jerry's here.

Can't believe
you're making me try out.

This is demeaning.

Well, I'm psyched
to be here, Grayson.

Oh, you're going down.
Game on.

And, uh, who's that?

Name's Marty,
and I like to party.

Whoo! [ Chuckles ]

Uh, found him in the plaza.

It seemed weird to have
a tryout with just two guys.

Bobby was always there
with a shot of courage

whenever Andy here
needed some, okay?

So show us your best...

Oh!

Come on! Come on!

Confidence dance!

Well, after the bacon-grease
fire burned down my RV,

my six kids and I
had to move into

this tiny, little motel room.

Now, two of them are still small
enough to sleep in the dresser,

so, you know, we make it work.

Bless you.

[ Ding! ]

Bobby could charm anyone.

Tom, make friends with
the next person who comes by.

Oh!

Hey, there!

Uh, my name is, uh, Tom.

Aah! No! Wait!

[ Whimpering ]

Hot lava! Aah!

[ Ding! ]

Uh, ma'am,
I think I gave you a $20.

Are you calling me a liar?

[ Ding! ]

[ High-pitched ]
Penny can!

Pen-neeeee can!

Marty, uh, toss your pennies.

Oh, I didn't get any pennies.

Sure you did.
I gave you a big, giant handful.

No.
[ Coins jingling ]

No, no, no.
I don't think so.

[ Ding! ]

- Here you go.
- All right.

What is that?

I've been selling the stuff
from this little prize box.

The lost and found?

Oh, I was wondering why
I found my bra in here.

Oh.

Bobby was upbeat.

He never let the little things
get him down, okay?

So, everybody in good spirits?

- Yep.
- Great. Maintain it.

- Oh, yeah!
- Aaah!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, Tom!
Yeah! All smiles! There you go!

Looking good, Jer!

Hey, Marty!

- [ Laughs ]
- Does it tickle?

- You're in first place on this one, man.
- [ Giggling ]

Hey. Andy!

Andy. Andy.

What's going on?

No one could replace Bobby.

I guess I'm just gonna have
to get used to one-man hugs

and emptiness at the end
of every spaghetti noodle.

Laurie: Trav?

His eyelids are closed,
which means he's sleeping.

Unless his eyelids have
collapsed. Is that a thing?

I should feed him. No.

[ Chuckling ]
I already fed him.

Is that AM or PM?

Okay, I remember that he ate
and then he spit up.

I wonder why he spit up.

Do you think
that my milk is spoiled?

I mean, I just leave my boobs
sitting out all day long!

Has baby Bobby been suckling
from rancid teats?!

- I better call Jules!
- Laurie.

- I got to call Jules!
- Laurie, Laurie, Laurie.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Come here, come here, come here.

It's okay, baby.
It's okay. It's okay.

Look, I-I think fear
and, uh, uh, lack of sleep

has been making us
a little crazy, okay?

Nothing is wrong.
We're doing great.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Better than great.
We're super!

The first rule
of losing your mind is,

do not talk about
losing your mind.

I just sold three memberships
to Grayson's pub club.

How come I'm not a member?

Because it's not a real thing.
I just made it up.

How are we doing?

We barely have $600.

There's no way
we're gonna make $3,000.

Might as well just suck it up
and confess to Grayson.

Oh, but he's just
gonna rub it in our faces.

- No.
- What--

Well, now we owe him a phone.

All right, listen.
I have another idea.

When I was in my 20s
bartending in New York,

I used to pull in
thousands a night.

We aren't 20,
but luckily this place

has mostly
middle-aged dudes.

Okay, I'll do anything.
What's the secret?

[ Gasps ] Ellie!

Sweet mercy!

Keep the change.

[ Chuckles ]

Are you ready to sex up
this joint?

Tonight, at Gray's pub,
no cover!

- No.
- All right, come on.

Are these buttons
made of titanium?

Yeah, they're not gonna open.

Poor Andy.

I mean, I really wanted to help,
but he's right.

How do you replace Bobby Cobb?

The guy wore a bikini top
for an entire summer

because he thought
the tan lines would be funny.

Made him look like a girl.
Classic.

So, uh, you and Ellie
are really okay at the bar?

You haven't--
haven't had any problems?

Oh, please.
We're a couple of pros.

Okay.

Why are you wearing a raincoat?

Because it might rain. [ Chuckles ] Duh.

It's a beautiful day.

Oh, it sure is, baby.
It sure is.

[ Clicks tongue ]

I used to make fun of them,
but now I get goth kids.

Pain is life. Life is pain.
The cure rules.

Grayson tried out a few guys
to find me a new Bobby.

It was a big waste of time.

Huh. Is that right?

I guess it was a little funny

when Grayson sprayed them
all down with a hose

and when Tom got maced
by that jogger.

And, oh, Grayson made Jerry eat,
like, a pound of peanut butter.

He was all
"Grayson, I can't move my jaw.

I can't feel my mouth!"
[ Chuckles ]

[ Normal voice ] Oh.

Those three guys aren't fit
to hold Bobby's flip flops.

That guy would do anything
to make me happy.

I'll never find
anyone else like him.

Huh.

So, Grayson threw together
this whole tryout

and spent the whole weekend

doing a bunch of weird, stupid
stuff to try to cheer you up?

That is so sad you won't
find another friend like Bobby.

Oh.

Travis: Morning!

- You get any sleep?
- [ Hip-hop music playing ]

I-I don't know.

What are you doing?

Got to stay alert,
so I put in one of your DVDs--

"Tonin' up with Tony Terry's
slammin' hip hop moves."

Why is there a camera
on your head?

- [ Music stops ]
- Security. I'm recording.

Recording what?

Everything.

- [ Ding! ]
- [ Canned applause ]

I got to go check the closets.

You know, for dingoes.

You can watch Baby Bobby
on this.

Oh.

My sweet, little Baby Bobby.
I love you so much.

Your mama is always gonna
be here for you, okay?

And that would be super
if, you know,

you weren't totes insane.

Ha. Burn.

[ Gasps ]

You ready?

Does my milkshake bring
all the boys to the yard?

I don't know what that means.
I just heard it on the radio.

- Let's do this!
- All right.

[ Chuckles ]
You're so funny.

Let me get those beers.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Ellie, you're a natural slut.

Listen,
here are the basics.

Laugh at all their jokes,
be stunned that they're single.

When you lean it
to drop off a drink,

sideswipe boob graze.

Sideswipe boob graze.

Just like painting
with your cans.

Okay.
Sideswipe boob graze.

Painting with the cans.
All right. Got it.

All right. Come on.
You can do it.

Hey, boys. You're funny.
How are you single?

Here's your beer.

Um...

[ Panting ]

Grayson!
I'm so glad you're here.

You okay?

I feel like such a fool
for not seeing it sooner.

But right now,
it's as clear as day.

Do I have a pimple?

Everything you did,
it was all to make me happy.

I hated seeing you so down.

I didn't really know
how to cheer you up,

but wasn't gonna stop me
from trying, huh?

That's just what
he would have done!

Don't you get it?
It's you!

My new Bobby...
is you!

Okay.
[ Chuckles ]

That look is making me a
little-- little uncomfortable.

It seems I'm... subconsciously moving
backwards. Fascinating.

[ Chuckles ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, um-- look, I know we
haven't always been the closest,

but over the years,

you've become
one of my best friends.

And I, uh...

What's that word, you know,

when you're super-tight
with one of your bros

but, like, on a deeper level?

- "Love."
- No. No. Definitely not that.

I thought there was a word.

Shh. You don't have to say it.
I already know.

Nothing I can do that can stop
this from happening, right?

Nope.
Okay.

[ Grunts ]

Check it out.

A guy gave me 100 bucks
for my shoes.

I don't know why.
They're never gonna fit him.

Still 600 bucks short.

Are you serious?
We're closing soon.

There's no way
we can make that.

I know.

I would like a cold beer
from a hot lady.

Tom, do you have $600?

As in, do I have it on me
this very second? Yes.

- Can I have it?
- Let's see.

For a tip that big,
you'd have to, hmm...

Would you be willing to call me
"Big Tom Stud"?

- Yes.
- Yes, but sarcastically.

Would you dance on the bar
"Coyote Ugly" style?

- Okay.
- I'm out.

- Would you make out with me?
- Fine.

Would you re-enact
the scene from "9 weeks"

where you're blindfolded
and I'm feeding you?

I am really hungry.

Would you shave
his entire body?

Oh, why are you asking
the questions?

I'll allow it.

Would you come to
a party in my garage

where you're
the only one invited

and the theme is
naked Olympics?

[ Sighs ]
If I have to.

Why are you being creepier
than usual?

Grayson: Because...

Dum-dum-duuuum!

After I heard
what you did to my bar,

I was curious to find out
how far you'd go

before admitting to me
that you two screwed up.

I was gonna stop
at naked Olympics.

Probably.

So, what's it gonna be?

Look into my smug, tiny eyes

and admit to me you were wrong and
that you can't handle my job,

or naked garage time at Tom's?

Fine.
We were wrong.

Right, Jules?

I don't know.
I hate that smug look.

My favorite event
is two-person luge.

Dibs on the bottom.

Okay, fine.
We were wrong.

I told you, give me these
in the parking lot!

These are not mine.

Give me those.

Psst.

Out.

Stop it.

[ Baby crying ]

Now he won't stop not crying.
What if that's a problem?

His gums don't look right.

It's like a watermelon rind
that's been picked clean!

And where are the teeth?

Are they just, like,
deep down in there?

[ Echoing ] Trav?

I know he's only a baby,
but he's fat.

- Trav?
- He should lift baby weights,

get baby ripped,
be Baby Arnold.

Trav?

[ As Arnold Schwarzenegger ]
I weigh six pounds,

but I'll crush your head
between my rosy glutes.

Trav?

It's morning!
It's Monday!

We made it!

Oh, my God.

The weekend's over.
Oh, my God!

He's still alive!

- We did it!
- [ Squealing ]

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Knock on door ]

Knock, knock. Just came
to see how your weekend--

Oh, sweet mother of pearl!

Hey, mom.
We're fine.

Yeah, turns out,
we're really great at this.

[ Chuckles ]

I know,
and it doesn't smell at all

like a wet dog
in a pile of rotten shrimp.

- Here. Let me take this.
- Okay.

Let you go lie down.

[ Sniffs ]
Whoa. Or hose off.

Oh, baby.
What did they put on you?

Mm. [ Sniffs ]

Oh, dear lord.

Thanks for inviting me.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
This should be fun.

Ooh. Yeah.

This almost makes up
for what you did to my bar.

Almost?

We need one more thing.

You better not mean...

He does!
[ Chuckles ]

[ Rock music plays ]

- Come on!
- Yeah!

- Work that ass.
- Shake that ass.

- Come on.
- Look at those hamstrings.

That's right.

- Yeah!
- Man.

- Aww, that's...
- Yeah! Yeah!

All right.

Whoo!

- Shake that ass.
- Okay.