Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 6 - Learning to Fly - full transcript

Hey, guys,

in honor of tomorrow's
annual cul-de-sac sale, I...

wrote a little ditty.

You guys wanna hear it?

- Play it! Play it!
- Oh, absolutely!

(Bobby) Absolutely! Yeah.

Oops. Dropped the pick.
(Chuckles)

Okay.

Guys?

Oh, screw it.

♪ Listen up, Jack,
there's a sale in my sac ♪



♪ if you watch movies on VHS ♪

♪ or you'd like
a 10-year-old dress ♪

♪ or if you collect
toy submarines ♪

(Lowered voice) - Is it almost over?
- ♪ or dirty old figurines ♪

(Whispers) - I hope so.
(Whispers) - Oh, yeah.

♪ Tell your sister
not to bail ♪

♪ tell your brother
who's in jail ♪

♪ it's the annual
Gulfhaven cul-de-sac... ♪

(Falsetto voice) ♪ sale ♪

That was good.

Second verse
different than the first!

♪ It's the sale
that everyone goes to ♪

_

Well, this looks like
the last of it.



Why are you selling
our ice cream maker?

Because we've had it
for two years,

and you've made ice cream
exactly zero times.

Maybe I'll make some now.

Let's see. All right.

All we need is, um...

some milk, some sugar, cream.

We throw this bucket
into the freezer for an hour.

Then we have to take
a mixing apparatus and...

Screw it. 5 bucks?

Done.

I hate yard sales.
It's just a bottom-feeders

buying and selling
each other's trash.

Oh! A pair of used crutches!

- Sword fight?
- Yeah!

Bottom-feeders.

Hey, are you selling
the ice cream maker?

5 bucks.

Sweet! Is it easy it use?

It's easier than...

- Ellie, little help?
- It's easier than...

Jules after a bottle of wine
and a compliment on her calves.

You think my calves are nice?

I'll take it.

Oh!

How much for
this fine dish towel?

Hmm. 35 cents, you say?

(Clicking)

Okay, well, the nickels
are jammed. How about 30?

(Coins clatter)

Well, this is horrible.

I love yard sale season.

A time for buying,
a time for selling.

Time for finding
that perfect pressure cooker

you never knew
you always wanted.

And the cycle continues.

You buy a bunch of crap,

no one buys ours,

and our garage becomes
the dump site

for all the unwashed losers
of Gulfhaven.

Maybe if you're not so snarky
to our customers,

we'll actually be able
to sell some stuff this year.

What's the fun
of having a yard sale

if you can't mock the lowlifes
that shop there? Pfft.

If we sell the NordicTrack

and the old-timey
popcorn machine,

we'll be able to fit your truck
into the garage.

Okay. I will keep
my nasty thoughts to myself...

Thoughts like
your little carny change belt

makes me wanna empty the coins
into a sock

and beat you over the head.

We're off to a good start.

You wanna help?

This yard sale
is the perfect chance

for you to get rid of
some of this crap.

(Clatter)
Crap?

Everything on this boat
serves a purpose.

How about this broken TV?

That's my piggy bank.

This... empty paint can?

Early prototype of penny can.

That thing could be in
the hall of fame one day, buddy.

What about this?
(Object thuds)

What the hell is this?

It sounds like there's
a bunch of dirt in it.

Those are ashes

from your Great-Grandpappy
Robbie Cobb.

Well, that definitely surpasses
the duck skeleton

as the creepiest thing
on the boat.

I was his favorite grandson,

and his dying wish was for me
to scatter those ashes

on a roller coaster.

Crazy as that is,
my main question is,

what is it still doing here?!

I mean, didn't he die, like,
15 years ago?

I've been busy.

You know, the boat always
needs fixin',

and hanging out with your mom
takes up a big chunk of time,

and I've got beard maintenance.

What-- what's up
with all the questions?

Man, who made you
king of the boat?

Okay, enjoy that bundle
of extension cords.

If you ever get 'em untangled,
you're gonna love 'em.

He's never getting 'em
untangled.

That doesn't bother you,

taking his money for something
that might not work?

Laurie, you don't get
yard sales.

People just wanna buy
something for 50 cents.

If the thing works,
it's a bonus.

I don't think that's right,
Jules.

I think that you should think
about karma.

I'm not talking about my friend
Karma Davis,

the fiercest female wrestler
in all of Tampa.

You know she once put
one of her opponents

in a figure four leg lock
so tight,

they never got out?

They're like
siamese leg twins now.

That is super. I'm gonna
give that some thought.

(Singsongy) Check it out!

(Normal voice)
I got these bagpipes,

this stuffed porcupine,

a stranger's wedding video,
and...

(Singsongy) a shake weight!
(Rattles)

And to think, if we ever
get divorced,

half of that will be mine.

It's a 50-cent pack of cards.
No need to mull it over.

I thought you weren't gonna
be snarky to the customers.

I thought so, too,

but then a bunch of losers
invaded my yard,

and I changed my mind.

Are you even physically able
to not be snarky?

I am, if I'm not surrounded
by idiots,

which is almost never.

Okay, prove it.

If you can be not snarky
for one whole day,

I'll get rid of all this stuff
I bought at the yard sale today.

Last five yard sales.

Deal. But if you lose,

you have to wear
this inflatable sumo suit.

(Shouts indistinctly)

Deal.

Hey, Jules.

How's the, uh, suction
on this vacuum?

When I turn it on,
it makes a loud noise.

So I'd say good and sucky.

- I'll take it.
- All right.

- Here you go.
- Hope you love how much it sucks.

You told me that vacuum
barely works.

Well, I decided to focus
on the "Works" part

and ignore the "Barely."

That's just good salesmanship.
(Sea bird calling)

Oh. I just got crapped on
by a bird!

No, Jules. That was karma.

You just got crapped on
by karma.

Oh, would you stop it, Laurie?

There's no such thing
as kar... Ugh!

(Exhales)
Birds fly in flocks, okay?

That's how it works.

I'm not getting any poop.

(Gruff voice)
Ahoy, landlubber.

Look what I got
at the yard sale for $5.

(Normal voice) Don't I make
a great sea captain?

Stern! Jib! (Imitates sea captain) Scurvy.

You look like a guy wearing
funny clothes.

What if I talked like this?

(Imitating New England accent)
There's a perfect storm coming.

Park the car in Harvard Yard.

Oi, mate!

Come here.
There's a storm on the brew.

You start sellin' fish sticks?

Dad, I think I know

why you haven't spread
grandpappy's ashes.

You start thinking about
how embarrassing it is

to be descended from a man

that would make
such an insane request,

and you're worried about
how that reflects on you,

and that maybe that says
something negative

about who you are as a man--

Damn it, Travis, I'm afraid
of roller coasters!

Why do you keep torturing me?

(Sighs)
Didn't see that coming.

Okay, I got $43 in cash money

and an assload of change.

Oh, it's like a weapon.

Uhh! I could take out
a bear! Mm!

Wow. Great haul.
I couldn't sell anything.

What were you selling?

Oh, the usual--
CDs, dead wife's shoes,

used scalpels, forceps,
surgical masks.

Oh, come on, Tom.
Sometimes you just don't think.

You might've boned the sale,

but at least you didn't jank
your karma by lying to everyone.

There's no such thing as karma,
because if there was,

I wouldn't be celebrating
with this bottle of bubbly.

(Corks pops)
(Laurie screams)

(Horror movie theme playing)
(Slo-mo voice) Tippi, no!

I'm not even gonna
say anything.

Okay, you know what? I am.

That was karma!

We are gathered here
to celebrate

the tragically short life
of Big Tippi.

(Voice breaks) Oh, God.
It just gets harder every time.

Come here.

Look, I know we go through this
pretty much every year,

but, uh, this is insane.

Big Tippi is family.

So zip it, Cap'n Crunch.

Big Tippi,

you were the best thing
to come out of Los Angeles.

Except for
the fake Academy Award I got

for best supporting lover.

(Kisses)

There is no greater tragedy

than outliving
your own wine glass.

(Door closes)
(Playing "Amazing Grace")

When did you learn to play
the bagpipes?

(Panting)

Middle school band.

A friend told me it would
help me get girls.

Turned out it really wasn't
a friend.

More like a clever bully.

So sorry about Big Tippi, Jules.

What a terrible accident.

This was no accident.

This was karma.

Your wrestler friend
from Tampa?

No.

No, I lied, and now the universe
is pissed at me.

Laurie, please help me get
the universe to like me again.

At least you're honoring
Tippi's memory

and not wussing out because
you're afraid of a loop-de-loop.

Ordinarily, I'd be machine gun
snarking this moment.

(Imitates rapid gunfire)

(Makes gurgling sound)

(Penny clinks)

That's just about
the saddest game of penny can

I've ever seen.

(Penny clinks)

So you're afraid
of roller coasters.

Ever since I was a little kid.

You know, I just can't stand
those big, loopy rickety...

Dad, I think I know what to do
about Grandpappy Cobb.

- What, throw him in dumpster
and forget the whole thing? - Nope.

You're gonna get over your fear
of roller coasters.

Sorry, son. I just can't.

Not even for a good man
like Grandpappy Cobb.

He taught me the difference
between a sea lion and a seal.

The ears, Trav.

Ears.

He deserved better.

And that's why I'm gonna
help you beat this thing.

Yeah? How?

(Whispers) Technology.

I'm gonna die! Stop the ride!

You're doing great!

Trav, I'm gonna die! Please!

Hey, hon.

How's your day
of no snark goin'?

- I am managing.
- Oh, that's great,

'cause I got some stuff
I wanna show you

that I got from the yard sale.

How do you like
my pink fuzzy bathrobe

and my 1970s era

wacky Elton John glasses?

Hmm?

(Voice cracks) I...

(Whispers) love... I love it.

Then you won't mind
if I get cheeky

and dance around a little bit,
will you?

(Giggles)

I feel so free and light.

Honey, if you do good deeds
for other people,

good things will happen
for you.

Like this one time
I was at a club,

and a girl needed a shirt,

so I literally gave her
the shirt off of my back.

Next thing I know, guys are
stuffing money into my pants.

A-boom! Textbook karma.

Good deeds. That's easy.

Oh, here. Let me help you
with that, handsome.

Oh.

- Wow.
- There you go.

Oh, thanks, Jules.

So long, social anxiety!
(Pills rattle)

(Forced laugh) Okay.

- I've so got this.
- Yeah.

(Clicks tongue)

Let me help you with these.

Here you go. For you.

All right, take a step up.

All right. Have a nice day.

Okay. Here I come!

Here is a beautiful
3-bedroom, 3-bath colonial

in Gulfhaven Prime.

Okay, I have to tell you--

the electrical is shot,
and the kitchen cabinets are...

(Whispers) Crapsville.

Oh, also, there was a murder
in the house ten years ago

in the basement.

Now, honestly,
I've never seen a ghost,

but don't ask me about
the possums.

Okay, it's like they're building
a secret army.

(Whirring)
Oh, man, this is going fast!

Laurie, more wind!

(Whirring loudly)

Cue stuff falling out
of pockets!

- Oh!
- Uh-oh! This lady forgot to zip her purse.

Aah!
(Coins clatter)

Letting you put this
green screen in my apartment

was one of the worst mistakes
of my life--

and I was went on vacation
with Dennis Rodman, y'all.

Oh, no! No, man,
not the corkscrew!

- Trav, stop it! Trav, stop it!
- Dad!

(Grunts)
Dad, you were doing so good.

Good at almost
crapping my pants!

I can't do it, Trav!

You know, Ellie,

I was starting to think
that my captain's outfit

wasn't working for me.

(Chuckles) You're into it,
aren't you?

Can't answer now.

But... please,

please wear it again tomorrow.

Aye aye, Captain. (Chuckles)

Oh, there you are!

(Sliding noises)

If I didn't know any better...

I'd think you were avoiding me.

Oh, look. I'm one of those
blue guys that destroys stuff.

(Flaps lips)
(Bowl clatters)

Somehow that passes
for theater.

Wait. You set me up.

You started this bet
so you could buy

loads of yard sale crap,
and I couldn't make fun of you.

Yes, I did.
But a bet is a bet.

Hey, does anyone have the time?

It's 3:00, boy!

(Beatboxing)

I did so many good deeds today,
my karma is through the roof.

Ah! I could probably murder
somebody and get away with it.

(Laughs)
It was so nice of you

to take that homeless man
out to lunch.

I have never seen a hobo
so happy.

Or, you know,
a restaurant manager so angry.

How was I supposed to know

he was gonna take a bath
in the lobster tank?

Well, the important thing is,

he got his steak fajitas,
and I fixed my karma.

Bring on the good, universe.

(Jules and Laurie scream)

What the hell, karma?!

That was fun.

Does the car in your office
have anything to do with

that guy sitting on the curb
with a foil blanket?

That's the driver.

Apparently he was
texting and driving--

something I would never do.

Although I have taken
the occasional driving selfie.

When the wind hits your hair
at 70 miles an hour...

it is, like, next-level hot.
(Clicks tongue)

I did so much good stuff.

What else could karma want?

Should we get a ouija board
and ask her?

I have spent half the day
biting my tongue

so I don't have to dress up like
a fat Japanese man in a thong.

If you guys could pull back
on the crazy talk,

that would be great.

Laurie, what am I gonna do?

This may require
an insane amount of charity--

and I'm not talking about
Charity Diaz,

my latina doppelganger.

Ugh. That bitch is always
running around town

with her blonde extensions
and her day-glo push-ups bras

and she's like, "¿Qué, qué?"

Ugh!

I've gotta leave
right this second.

(Bobby screaming)

(Tape rips) So how'd you get here so
fast with the chair stuck to you?

I coasted on the downhill parts.

I saw you zooming through town.

You came really close to hitting
those two construction guys

carrying that
giant pane of glass.

What kind of loser is so afraid
of roller coasters

where he can't even honor his
beloved grandfather's last wish?

Okay, dad,
I have a confession to make.

I'm afraid
of roller coasters, too.

Ah, you're just saying that
to make me feel better.

Mnh-mnh.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Because it's
incredibly embarrassing.

So I passed that onto you?

God, I guess coaster fear
is in my DNA.

Yeah, it could be genetic.
Or...

Sure, we can go
on the coaster, Trav.

But you should know

there's a bogeyman waitin'
for us on the first hill.

Yeah, let's go for a ride!

I'm sure somebody put back
that missing piece of track.

When we hit the loop,
keep your mouth closed

'cause there's 100% chance

some dude's puke is gonna
fly in your face.

Trav, I am so sorry.

It's okay, dad.
I forgive you.

And I love you,
and when you love someone,

you step in when
they need it most.

What are you doing?

Going to the amusement park,
for you

and for Grandpappy Cobb.

So touching.

40 bucks says he hurls.

Did your mom pick out
that outfit for you?

She's an idiot!

Sorry. Built-up snark.

Nice goatee, stone temple loser.

Adult braces? Good call, yeah.

Hey, granola,
it's called deodorant.

Nice spray tan, Jersey short.

Hey, jackass,
you ever think about...

(Chuckles)
how handsome you are? Wow.

Really, Ellie?
Getting your snark fix

on all the innocent people
of Gulfhaven?

Are you following me?

Yes, I am, Ellie-San.

Now let's get you dressed up
like a butt-flossed fatso.

Considering I lost

and I am no longer restricted
by this bet,

do you think it's wise
to taunt me?

No, ma'am.

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna shave my head.

(Buzzing) I'm gonna donate
my hair to the needy.

Jules, this may sound crazy

coming from a guy
in a captain's outfit,

but, uh, have you lost
your mind?

I mean...

(Buzzing stops)
What's going on?

Well, ever since I lied
to sell stuff at the yard sale,

so many bad things
have been happening.

I just feel like
I've been cursed

with some kind of bad mojo.

"Cursed" and "Mojo"? Jules,
that doesn't sound like you.

Laurie maybe.

Oh, well,
she's my spiritual coach.

And we are zeroing in
on the problem.

Jules, you really can't think
that the universe

is conspiring against you.

Of course not. (Chuckles)

I mean, probably not.

Unless it definitely is.

Maybe this karma thing
is crazy,

but before the yard sale, I was
blessed with such good luck.

You know, my dad's health
was getting better.

Travis and Laurie
are doing great.

I'm married to an amazing man

who usually doesn't walk around
looking like a massive dork.

This is a cool jacket,
and I am a cool guy.

How can this combination
not be working?

- Sorry. Back to your thing.
- I don't know.

I just feel like
the idea of karma

gives me control over
the bad things.

No one can control what
the world throws at them, okay?

But what we can control--

except in parts of India--

is who we choose to be with.

So when life hits
a rough patch,

you don't reach for
the clippers.

You lean on
the people you love.

(Foy Vance)
♪ ...a long way yet to go ♪

- Oh! Even if they smell like mothballs?
- What?

♪ so let's start over ♪

I love you.

I guess I do have
a great support team, don't I?

We all do.

I mean, it's like Travis going
on that roller coaster

to help Bobby.

Travis is going on
a roller coaster?!

♪♪

Okay, you can do this.
It's just a roller coaster.

Nobody's ever died on it.

(Gasps) Which means
it's long overdue.

Trav! Wait! Don't do this!

- Okay, I won't!
- No, no, no.

Don't do this by yourself.
We're gonna do this together.

For Grandpappy Cobb.

♪ but I'm feeling ♪

You're a good kid, Trav.
He'd be so proud of you.

Now let's ride this bad boy!
There's nothing to be afraid of.

(Indistinct conversations)

Okay, now that operator's,
like, 12 years old, man.

That can't possibly be safe!

♪ coffee's on ♪

It's okay. I've got you.

Mom, what are you doing here?

We came to support you.

♪ color in your eyes ♪

All of you?

That's right, pasty face.

Hey, watch it, wide load.

Sumo hip check!

Ohh!

(Thud)
Ooh.

That was so hot. (Chuckles)

Excuse me. No, we gotta do this
now or it's not gonna happen.

Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Um, excuse me.
I saw you cut the line.

So, uh, get to the back.
Right now.

- We're losing him.
- Whoa, dad!

It's okay, young man.
This is an emergency.

Oh. Um, Captain,
I didn't see you there.

Please, um, hop on board.
(Chuckles)

♪♪

(Jules) Great save, Captain.

Thanks. You sure you're not
worried about bad karma?

I mean, we just got in front of,
like, hundreds of people.

No, we were just doing it
to support our friends.

Besides, I don't really
believe in karma.

Good.

But maybe don't say that
right as we get on

a decades-old carnival ride.

All right, Grandpappy Cobb,

- let's get you scattered!
- Yeah!

If Bobby's scattering the ashes,
why is he in the front?

(Gasps) Bobby, wait!

(Camera shutter clicks)

Thanks for coming, everyone.

We've mourned our loss,
and now it is time to move on.

Also, I really need to wash
Grandpappy Cobb out of my mouth.

Ditto that.

I'm an ashy mess.

Okay, let's get on with it.

Please welcome our newest member
of the gang...

Big Chuck.

- Ah, Big Chuck!
- Big Chuck!

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

Does it have to be that big?
Really?

I mean, eventually, it's gonna
just tumble to the earth

and crash in a storm of glass,

which I'm gonna have to
clean up.

Oh. Okay, really, I'm--
I'm the crazy one? Okay.

We'll miss you, Big Tippi.

♪♪

_