Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 5 - Hard on Me - full transcript
When Andy organizes a 5K run to help repair his reputation as Mayor, Jules asks her father to get the Cul-de-Sac Crew into shape for the event. Grayson's dream of appearing in a commercial is not what he expected.
Hey, who wants to do
something fun?
- I do!
- Me!
Great. We're gonna go
to my dad's house
and help him find his glasses.
I thought if I said it in
a happy tone, you'd be excited.
Did not work.
Ellie, are you okay?
You seem wiped out.
I was book mom at Stan's class
yesterday,
so I had to get up at 8:00 AM.
What am I, a coal miner?
And it's flu season.
Most of those little brats were
snotty, whiny messes.
You... didn't catch anything,
did you?
- What's the big deal?
- Ellie is crazy when she's sick.
Remember the great
stomach virus of '09,
when she burned down the shed?
Or the time she got
strep throat
and served me
with divorce papers?
I called it off.
I had to pay 2 grand
in legal fees!
I feel okay.
She's warm.
Just more for us.
♪
_
Found 'em. It was under
a TV Guide from 1985.
Michael Landon can take
a highway to my house. Mmm!
Okay. Thanks.
Come on, dad. Have you been
sitting here all day?
Come on, let's go do something.
I'm watching
a home repair show.
They're gonna paint that fence.
Why don't we go to
that new tapas restaurant?
It's supposed to be great.
I don't care for health food.
Oh! I know.
Teach me the Jitterbug.
Remember you wanted me to
learn as a kid?
Come on.
Isn't this fun?
You're blocking the TV.
Ever since
his Alzheimer's diagnosis,
he's just been sitting around,
doing nothing.
I wish there was something
I could do to get him excited.
Sign him up at
the senior center.
Old people are really
promiscuous these days.
He'd have a blast.
Gross. Grandpa doesn't wanna
slut it up
with a bunch of old biddies.
Okay, he probably does.
But still... gross.
What about an art class?
Or an acting class.
I could audit one with him.
Oh, do you still want
to be an actor?
Too bad you're terrible
at acting.
E-train, should you be drinking
wine if you're sick?
I put, um, flu medicine in here.
(Door opens)
My job as Mayor of Gulfhaven
is in serious jeopardy!
I was caught falling asleep
at a town hall meeting.
(Jules laughing) "Snorres"!
That's hysterical!
(Slaps leg)
Why didn't we think of that?
All this time, I've been
calling him "Borres."
(Jules laughs)
Oh, hey,
I really don't appreciate
you guys making fun
of my best friend.
- (Mouths word)
- Oh!
Because your name is Torres
and it rhymes!
(All laughing)
(Jules) - Snorres!
- (Snores)
(Jules) Oh!
Hey, babe, will you pass me
a napkin?
Sure thing, babe.
What's with
the "Babe" sandwich?
Travis and I are trying
to figure out
our relationship pet names.
Isn't that right, babe?
- You know it, babe.
- Mmm.
Don't use "Babe," okay?
That's horrible.
Also, that's Jules' and mine.
G-man, I picked up
a local theater magazine.
The girl on the cover had
big boobies.
And listen to this--
an audition for a commercial.
"Men over 40, rugged good looks,
and in great shape."
(Taps magazine)
That's you!
I don't know, Bobby.
I think it might be time for me
to give up on my acting dream.
Never give up on a dream, man.
Just look at Harry Potter.
He never gave up.
You read those books?
Books? I'm talking about
my old neighbor Harry.
Right? He used to live in
a buick parked next to the boat.
And then he invented
the "Potter Squatter."
What's the Potter Squatter?
It's a mobile pooper.
Now Harry lives in a mansion,
while his sister Patty
went to jail.
Why? 'Cause she gave up
on her dreams.
She also liked to steal wallets
and purses.
Patty Potter picked pockets?
And purses.
Just go on an audition, man.
If you believe you can get it,
you can.
Yeah. Why not? Thanks, Bobby.
- You wanna split some potato skins, poodle?
- Mnh-mnh.
- Muffin?
- No.
- Pug butt?
- What?
I wish I knew a way
to get my dad excited.
Maybe I should get him a pet.
That's a great idea, Jules.
I just need to find something
to keep the public distracted
from my political scandal.
Wait. Did you just switch
the conversation
from my thing to your thing?
I thought I could do it in a way
no one would notice.
Epic fail!
I have three puppies.
You'd give Chick
one of your puppies?
(Laughs) Huh? Oh, sorry...
I was on Andy's thing.
I was gonna suggest
a puppy race.
Puppy race?
You're the dumbest person ever.
Wait! That's the answer!
A race!
Oh, I can organize
a Gulfhaven 5K.
People go crazy
for that kind of stuff.
Would you quit stepping
on my thing for your thing?
Wait. A race! (Gasps)
I think your thing
just answered my thing!
Chick was a track coach.
If we all say that
we're gonna run a 5K
and ask him for his help,
he'd be thrilled.
- "Us"?
- Well, if I'm running, you're running.
(Scoffs) Are you new
to this group?
(Groans)
Not you, Ellie. You get on
that couch, put your feet up.
No exercise for you.
- I should, shouldn't I?
(Andy) - Ooh!
(Whines)
Okay, let me make you
another cough-tail.
Bobby Cobb, you son of a bitch!
Huh? Wh--
You had sex with my sister,
didn't you?!
You got her pregnant,
and now you're denying
you're the father?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm sorry, man!
I'll-- I'll-- I'll do the right
thing, man. I'll marry her.
(Laughs) Relax, Bobby.
I was just acting.
Oh, man! You had me goin'.
Well, wait a minute.
Does this mean...
- I got it! (Laughing)
- Yeah! Neat, dude!
What's the commercial for?
It's for this sports deodorant.
I play this athletic stud
who spikes volleyballs
and works out.
And then I get seen by
this totally hot beach bunny,
and it is on!
I want that product.
Thanks for believing in me,
Bobby.
But if you ever touch
my sister...
I won't! I promise!
Aw!
(Both laugh)
(Gasps)
Ee! Ohh. (Breathes deeply)
Oh, I thought you were dead.
Dead?
I've never felt more alive.
Is a popsicle good for the flu?
It is when it's frozen red wine
and cough syrup.
(Coughs)
Ellie, you're as cold
as a corpse.
Let me get you a blanket.
(Hisses)
Sorry. I'll just... go now.
This is gonna be awful.
The last time I ran
was when I punched that flamingo
at Busch Gardens.
In my defense,
it did steal the hot dog
right out of my hand,
and you can't do that to
a former foster kid.
Right, Tater Tot?
Ah! Let's not go
blurtin' out pet names
before they're official.
We don't want anything to stick.
Too late, Tater Tot.
Ha, ha!
It's just a 5K. How tough
could the training be?
- Ow!
- I'll tell you how tough it can be
after you give me 50 crunches.
Down!
(Lowered voice) Thank you
for letting me
- be part of the team, Junebug.
- (Chuckles)
What are you all gawking at?
500 jumping jacks! Go!
I'm winding up Bessie...
- No!
- Okay.
(Panting) Jules,
your dad coached track?
Yeah. Track, soccer, football...
back before they had helmets.
Aw, man. This is gonna suck.
Ow! Mother! Mm!
Come on! Get with it!
There's dirt in my eye!
I'm a brain surgeon!
All I can hear is
"Wah! Wah! Wah!"
I forgot how tough
Chick could be.
How could you unleash this
on us?
Well, what was I supposed to do,
Tater Tot?
Just sit back and watch him
give up on life?
Come on, we can do this.
I'll just tell him to back off
a little bit.
Hey, dad,
we don't need to work too hard.
It's just a 5K.
I have two coaching speeds--
zero and turbo.
If you would prefer zero,
I'll be happy to turn around
and go home.
No, no. Please don't go.
We'll do turbo.
I was hoping you'd say that.
(Blows whistle)
Line up for wind sprints,
losers.
- Come on.
- (Andy and Travis groan)
(Panting)
I haven't hurt this bad
since I had to push my
childhood home to a gas station.
I would give anything to stop.
(Raspy voice) Anything?
Aah! Ellie! You scared the crap
out of me!
Why are you talking like that?
(Normal voice) Sore throat.
My illness has opened up
a whole new world for me.
I lie around all day
watching TV,
sucking on wine-sicles,
not training.
I can make you like me.
But...
Jules needs me.
I'm very contagious.
All I have to do
is breathe on you.
All you have to do...
(Whispers) is let me.
(Imitates British accent)
The talent has arrived.
I'm here for
my wardrobe fitting.
Hmm. Cheerio.
(Normal voice) Oh, uh, excuse me. Um...
(Chuckles)
What's with all the snow birds?
You know what I mean?
Am I in the right place
for Turbo-T?
The, uh, deodorant commercial.
Deodorant?
Turbo-T is
a prescription gel
for men with low testosterone.
You must be Grayson.
I'm your director.
And that lovely lady over there
is playing
your romantic conquest.
(Rizzle Kicks'
"Mama Do The Hump" playing)
♪ mama, won't you please
let me? ♪
♪ mama,
won't you please, let me? ♪
♪ mama, won't you please,
let me? ♪
♪ mama,
won't you please, let me? ♪
(Groans)
♪ yo, coming in with a sound
fresher than cut grass, fun starts ♪
♪ second that we enter
if you must ask, rush past ♪
All right, that's one.
That's one.
Kiss the ground!
(Strained voice) One!
That crusty old bastard's
gonna kill me.
♪ not call it a night, luv ♪
♪ and I might just join
the mile high club ♪
(Caps explode)
♪ couldn't give
a flying (Bleep) ♪
♪ yeah, let me touch back down ♪
But, sugar, if I have the flu,
I can't run the 5K.
(Raspy voice) Exactly.
♪ other half jiving,
I love that sound ♪
(Sobbing loudly)
Aah! (Sobs)
I'm ready.
Take me inside you.
♪ do the hump hump ♪
Have a lick of my leftovers.
I don't know how much longer
I can keep this up.
Don't you quit on me.
You're all I've got left.
(Blows whistle)
Great. Let's call it a day.
We're done when I say
we're done.
(Whines) Come on, dad,
we're so exhausted.
And my thighs are
really chaffed.
(Singsongy) Hey, hey,
mama's boy, mama's boy.
I bet you're gonna cry.
Squirt out a few.
Come on! Cry!
One, two, three, cry.
One, two, three, cry.
(Door closes)
Bobby,
I just came by to say... (Coughs) ugh!
This house smells like
sweat socks filled with
bleu cheese.
It was him.
It was me.
(Raspy voice)
It's so great here, Grayson.
You should join us.
Cough-sicle?
(Coughs and wheezes)
I hope you're happy, Bobby.
The wardrobe fitting
for my new commercial
was humiliating!
Turbo-T isn't a deodorant.
It's an underarm cream for
men with low testosterone.
They had me riding bikes
with 60-year-olds
and bedding her.
(High-pitched cackle)
What? It was funny.
Dude, buddy, I didn't know.
I was happy bartending, and then
you had to get my hopes up.
I'm not an actor.
I'm a joke.
(Door opens)
Chick is an animal.
(Door closes)
You guys are so lucky
you're sick.
(Raspy voice) It wasn't luck.
You guys got sick on purpose?!
I'm telling Jules!
(Raspy voice) You'll have to
get out first.
Guys? This is not funny.
- Knock it off!
- (Hisses)
No! No, I don't-- Leave me alone!
I don't want to be like you!
- (Hisses)
- (Shouts indistinctly)
No!
A cell phone commercial?
Why couldn't I have gotten that?
I look amazing
talking on the phone.
(Woman speaking indistinctly)
(Groans)
You okay, babe?
No, no! Don't touch me.
Everything hurts.
Just turn the lights out,
please.
(Turns off TV)
(Click)
(Air horn blows)
5:00 AM!
Training time!
Where are the other turds?
They all got sick
with Ellie's flu.
Good. They were
holding us back.
You know, I'm pretty tired
today, too, dad.
Can we just take it easy?
That sounds like loser talk.
No, no. I really am tired.
Five, four, thr--
You pop me
with that towel again,
and I will choke you with it.
Oh. I'm just trying to--
Well, stop!
This is a huge mistake!
You're a bully and you're
a horrible coach!
And I wish I'd never asked you
to help me in the first place!
Wow. This is the most conscious
I've seen you all week.
I tried to wake you up
five times last night.
Wouldn't budge.
I had a fight with my dad.
I mean, this whole training
thing has been a huge bust.
But on the positive side,
I don't have to run the 5K.
- What, you're not gonna run the race?
- What's the point?
Jules, the reason you started
this was to motivate your dad.
Say what you want about
his coaching methods,
Chick was definitely motivated.
But he's too motivated.
It's awful.
Do you know how many towel snap
marks I have on my ass?
I actually do. I counted last
night when you wouldn't wake up.
Look, I know things got hard
with Chick,
but you wanted to convince him
not to quit when life got tough.
Right?
If you bail on the race,
it's not exactly setting
a great example.
You're right.
- Can you do me a favor?
- You want me to call Chick?
No. Will you lift that glass
to my lips?
My arms are dead.
Sure. Here you go.
- Sippy-sippy.
- Mmm.
Hey, G-man.
I just had to come say
I'm sorry.
Just gonna wear that robe
everywhere, huh?
Look, man, I'm the one
who needs to apologize, okay?
You were just trying
to encourage me.
Besides, I don't believe
I'm gonna be a movie star
any more than you believe you're
gonna win a Heisman Trophy.
Why can't I win
a Heisman Trophy?
'Cause you have to...
be a football player.
In college.
Oh. Pfft. Excuses, excuses.
Look... maybe I got my head
in the clouds,
but the second you start listing
reasons a dream won't happen,
it's as good as dead.
You wanna hear another dream
of mine,
one that I've never
told anyone?
Let's see.
I'm gonna go with...
live out the plot of
any Burt Reynolds movie.
It's to get married again.
And I know I'm--
I'm broke
and I live on a boat
in a parking lot,
but I'd rather have
a far-fetched dream
than no dream at all.
That makes a lot of sense.
I mean, I just wish
I didn't get picked
for such an embarrassing
product.
Buddy, they picked you because
you're the young stud that
all those old dudes wanna be.
So I say go in there
and show 'em what
real testosterone looks like.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! I am a stud!
- Yeah! (Laughs)
Yeah, you are!
Now go get it!
All right!
(Laughs)
Shoot's not for, like, an hour,
so I'll probably just
hang here until I gotta go.
Dad, are you here?
How'd you know I was here?
Because this is where
I would come as a kid
whenever we'd get into a fight.
And... you'd find me
and give me a big hug.
And you'd spin me around,
and all my problems
would go away.
I'm sorry I blew up at you.
I'm sorry I was so rough
on you.
I was excited at getting
to coach again.
And I... got carried away.
I forgot how tight
you roll a towel.
Any time I was ever tough
with you as a coach or as a dad,
it was only because
I wanted you to succeed.
That's what makes you
such a great dad.
I mean,
you can be tough, but...
I always knew that you cared.
And that's why I wanted
to inspire you,
'cause I'm not ready
to lose you.
Honey, you did inspire me.
I needed somebody to snap me out
of the funk I was in,
and you did.
You didn't give up on me,
because my girl doesn't quit.
You want a spin?
(Scoffs) You know I do.
What is this, Sunday brunch?
- (Grunts)
- Get the lead out.
- (Laughing)
- Let's go!
There you are.
(Nasal voice) Being sick is amazing.
(Wheezes)
It's hour five of
this Teletubbies marathon,
and nobody can judge us.
Go to sleep, Tinky-Winky.
(Door opens)
Wait. That's actually
a really good pet name.
Hey, guys,
brought you some soup.
Wow. This place smells like
my nana's house.
She used to always perm her hair
and never cleaned the cat box.
No, I don't think
we can smell anything.
(Nasal voice) Hey, Jules,
you know what?
Ellie was getting everyone--
Oof!
I'm so sorry you're all sick
and I can't be here
to take care of you.
I'll pick up some flu medicine
on the way back from the 5K.
You're still gonna do the run?
Yeah. I mean, technically,
I'm off the hook,
but I can't exactly preach to my
dad about not quitting on life
and then quit
on this little race.
Love you, guys.
Wish me luck.
(All) Good luck.
(Door closes)
There's a thespian
in the building!
I hope you people are ready
to see a tour de force,
because I'm here to
act my ass off!
(Laughs) Now which one of
you little punks' job is it
to fetch me a soda?
Are you looking for
the low testosterone spot?
- Yes, I am.
- That's next door.
It's... oh. Got...
(Chuckles) Oh! Thank you.
That's...
Very kind. (Chuckles) Next door.
(Bear Mountain's "Congo"
playing)
I'm proud of you, honey.
- You sure you feel up to this?
- Hell, yeah.
Next time you see me, I'll be
dashing across that finish line.
Yeah.
(Fires starter pistol)
Oh!
(Cheering)
♪
Oh.
It's okay, Jules.
You can do this.
It only feels like
you got shot in the knee.
♪
What are you doing here?
You're tough, Jules,
but I know you're hurting.
It's okay if you want
to sit this out.
Not a chance.
I'm not quitting.
That's my girl.
Then let's do this.
I can't believe you came
to support me.
(Voice breaking) Don't get
all weepy on me.
If you start crying,
then I'm gonna lose it, too.
(Voice breaking)
I can't help it. I just--
I love you so much.
I love you, too, Junebug.
(Cries)
Oh, crap. I can't see
through the tears in my eyes.
(Crash)
(Crowd) Aah!
Keep going, Jules!
You can do it!
Sunscreen's in my eyes!
I'm blind!
Oh, my God.
I can see dead people.
Grandpa?
Oh!
Oh! Ohh!
(Grunts) Come on,
we can do it, J-bird!
(Groans) Hang in there, mom.
(Jules groans)
♪
(Panting)
Ohh. Oh! Ellie.
- Tater Tot.
- (Chuckles)
You're all here!
Whose hand is on my ass?
- Just trying to help with the glutes.
- Oh.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry
we weren't here all along.
It's okay.
I'm just glad it's over.
I feel delirious.
So if I confess to you that
I got everybody sick on purpose,
you might not remember?
It's okay.
I'm just glad it's over.
I feel delirious.
- Let's get her some fluids.
(Bobby) - All right.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
No, no. Let's get you...
(Jazz playing)
(Man) Moody? Low energy?
Trouble maintaining
an erection?
You may have low testosterone.
Low testosterone can affect
all areas of your life.
But Turbo-T gel, used daily,
can safely and effectively
elevate
your testosterone levels...
on the court
and everywhere else.
Boost your energy,
raise your performance,
put the bang back in your game
with Turbo-T.
something fun?
- I do!
- Me!
Great. We're gonna go
to my dad's house
and help him find his glasses.
I thought if I said it in
a happy tone, you'd be excited.
Did not work.
Ellie, are you okay?
You seem wiped out.
I was book mom at Stan's class
yesterday,
so I had to get up at 8:00 AM.
What am I, a coal miner?
And it's flu season.
Most of those little brats were
snotty, whiny messes.
You... didn't catch anything,
did you?
- What's the big deal?
- Ellie is crazy when she's sick.
Remember the great
stomach virus of '09,
when she burned down the shed?
Or the time she got
strep throat
and served me
with divorce papers?
I called it off.
I had to pay 2 grand
in legal fees!
I feel okay.
She's warm.
Just more for us.
♪
_
Found 'em. It was under
a TV Guide from 1985.
Michael Landon can take
a highway to my house. Mmm!
Okay. Thanks.
Come on, dad. Have you been
sitting here all day?
Come on, let's go do something.
I'm watching
a home repair show.
They're gonna paint that fence.
Why don't we go to
that new tapas restaurant?
It's supposed to be great.
I don't care for health food.
Oh! I know.
Teach me the Jitterbug.
Remember you wanted me to
learn as a kid?
Come on.
Isn't this fun?
You're blocking the TV.
Ever since
his Alzheimer's diagnosis,
he's just been sitting around,
doing nothing.
I wish there was something
I could do to get him excited.
Sign him up at
the senior center.
Old people are really
promiscuous these days.
He'd have a blast.
Gross. Grandpa doesn't wanna
slut it up
with a bunch of old biddies.
Okay, he probably does.
But still... gross.
What about an art class?
Or an acting class.
I could audit one with him.
Oh, do you still want
to be an actor?
Too bad you're terrible
at acting.
E-train, should you be drinking
wine if you're sick?
I put, um, flu medicine in here.
(Door opens)
My job as Mayor of Gulfhaven
is in serious jeopardy!
I was caught falling asleep
at a town hall meeting.
(Jules laughing) "Snorres"!
That's hysterical!
(Slaps leg)
Why didn't we think of that?
All this time, I've been
calling him "Borres."
(Jules laughs)
Oh, hey,
I really don't appreciate
you guys making fun
of my best friend.
- (Mouths word)
- Oh!
Because your name is Torres
and it rhymes!
(All laughing)
(Jules) - Snorres!
- (Snores)
(Jules) Oh!
Hey, babe, will you pass me
a napkin?
Sure thing, babe.
What's with
the "Babe" sandwich?
Travis and I are trying
to figure out
our relationship pet names.
Isn't that right, babe?
- You know it, babe.
- Mmm.
Don't use "Babe," okay?
That's horrible.
Also, that's Jules' and mine.
G-man, I picked up
a local theater magazine.
The girl on the cover had
big boobies.
And listen to this--
an audition for a commercial.
"Men over 40, rugged good looks,
and in great shape."
(Taps magazine)
That's you!
I don't know, Bobby.
I think it might be time for me
to give up on my acting dream.
Never give up on a dream, man.
Just look at Harry Potter.
He never gave up.
You read those books?
Books? I'm talking about
my old neighbor Harry.
Right? He used to live in
a buick parked next to the boat.
And then he invented
the "Potter Squatter."
What's the Potter Squatter?
It's a mobile pooper.
Now Harry lives in a mansion,
while his sister Patty
went to jail.
Why? 'Cause she gave up
on her dreams.
She also liked to steal wallets
and purses.
Patty Potter picked pockets?
And purses.
Just go on an audition, man.
If you believe you can get it,
you can.
Yeah. Why not? Thanks, Bobby.
- You wanna split some potato skins, poodle?
- Mnh-mnh.
- Muffin?
- No.
- Pug butt?
- What?
I wish I knew a way
to get my dad excited.
Maybe I should get him a pet.
That's a great idea, Jules.
I just need to find something
to keep the public distracted
from my political scandal.
Wait. Did you just switch
the conversation
from my thing to your thing?
I thought I could do it in a way
no one would notice.
Epic fail!
I have three puppies.
You'd give Chick
one of your puppies?
(Laughs) Huh? Oh, sorry...
I was on Andy's thing.
I was gonna suggest
a puppy race.
Puppy race?
You're the dumbest person ever.
Wait! That's the answer!
A race!
Oh, I can organize
a Gulfhaven 5K.
People go crazy
for that kind of stuff.
Would you quit stepping
on my thing for your thing?
Wait. A race! (Gasps)
I think your thing
just answered my thing!
Chick was a track coach.
If we all say that
we're gonna run a 5K
and ask him for his help,
he'd be thrilled.
- "Us"?
- Well, if I'm running, you're running.
(Scoffs) Are you new
to this group?
(Groans)
Not you, Ellie. You get on
that couch, put your feet up.
No exercise for you.
- I should, shouldn't I?
(Andy) - Ooh!
(Whines)
Okay, let me make you
another cough-tail.
Bobby Cobb, you son of a bitch!
Huh? Wh--
You had sex with my sister,
didn't you?!
You got her pregnant,
and now you're denying
you're the father?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm sorry, man!
I'll-- I'll-- I'll do the right
thing, man. I'll marry her.
(Laughs) Relax, Bobby.
I was just acting.
Oh, man! You had me goin'.
Well, wait a minute.
Does this mean...
- I got it! (Laughing)
- Yeah! Neat, dude!
What's the commercial for?
It's for this sports deodorant.
I play this athletic stud
who spikes volleyballs
and works out.
And then I get seen by
this totally hot beach bunny,
and it is on!
I want that product.
Thanks for believing in me,
Bobby.
But if you ever touch
my sister...
I won't! I promise!
Aw!
(Both laugh)
(Gasps)
Ee! Ohh. (Breathes deeply)
Oh, I thought you were dead.
Dead?
I've never felt more alive.
Is a popsicle good for the flu?
It is when it's frozen red wine
and cough syrup.
(Coughs)
Ellie, you're as cold
as a corpse.
Let me get you a blanket.
(Hisses)
Sorry. I'll just... go now.
This is gonna be awful.
The last time I ran
was when I punched that flamingo
at Busch Gardens.
In my defense,
it did steal the hot dog
right out of my hand,
and you can't do that to
a former foster kid.
Right, Tater Tot?
Ah! Let's not go
blurtin' out pet names
before they're official.
We don't want anything to stick.
Too late, Tater Tot.
Ha, ha!
It's just a 5K. How tough
could the training be?
- Ow!
- I'll tell you how tough it can be
after you give me 50 crunches.
Down!
(Lowered voice) Thank you
for letting me
- be part of the team, Junebug.
- (Chuckles)
What are you all gawking at?
500 jumping jacks! Go!
I'm winding up Bessie...
- No!
- Okay.
(Panting) Jules,
your dad coached track?
Yeah. Track, soccer, football...
back before they had helmets.
Aw, man. This is gonna suck.
Ow! Mother! Mm!
Come on! Get with it!
There's dirt in my eye!
I'm a brain surgeon!
All I can hear is
"Wah! Wah! Wah!"
I forgot how tough
Chick could be.
How could you unleash this
on us?
Well, what was I supposed to do,
Tater Tot?
Just sit back and watch him
give up on life?
Come on, we can do this.
I'll just tell him to back off
a little bit.
Hey, dad,
we don't need to work too hard.
It's just a 5K.
I have two coaching speeds--
zero and turbo.
If you would prefer zero,
I'll be happy to turn around
and go home.
No, no. Please don't go.
We'll do turbo.
I was hoping you'd say that.
(Blows whistle)
Line up for wind sprints,
losers.
- Come on.
- (Andy and Travis groan)
(Panting)
I haven't hurt this bad
since I had to push my
childhood home to a gas station.
I would give anything to stop.
(Raspy voice) Anything?
Aah! Ellie! You scared the crap
out of me!
Why are you talking like that?
(Normal voice) Sore throat.
My illness has opened up
a whole new world for me.
I lie around all day
watching TV,
sucking on wine-sicles,
not training.
I can make you like me.
But...
Jules needs me.
I'm very contagious.
All I have to do
is breathe on you.
All you have to do...
(Whispers) is let me.
(Imitates British accent)
The talent has arrived.
I'm here for
my wardrobe fitting.
Hmm. Cheerio.
(Normal voice) Oh, uh, excuse me. Um...
(Chuckles)
What's with all the snow birds?
You know what I mean?
Am I in the right place
for Turbo-T?
The, uh, deodorant commercial.
Deodorant?
Turbo-T is
a prescription gel
for men with low testosterone.
You must be Grayson.
I'm your director.
And that lovely lady over there
is playing
your romantic conquest.
(Rizzle Kicks'
"Mama Do The Hump" playing)
♪ mama, won't you please
let me? ♪
♪ mama,
won't you please, let me? ♪
♪ mama, won't you please,
let me? ♪
♪ mama,
won't you please, let me? ♪
(Groans)
♪ yo, coming in with a sound
fresher than cut grass, fun starts ♪
♪ second that we enter
if you must ask, rush past ♪
All right, that's one.
That's one.
Kiss the ground!
(Strained voice) One!
That crusty old bastard's
gonna kill me.
♪ not call it a night, luv ♪
♪ and I might just join
the mile high club ♪
(Caps explode)
♪ couldn't give
a flying (Bleep) ♪
♪ yeah, let me touch back down ♪
But, sugar, if I have the flu,
I can't run the 5K.
(Raspy voice) Exactly.
♪ other half jiving,
I love that sound ♪
(Sobbing loudly)
Aah! (Sobs)
I'm ready.
Take me inside you.
♪ do the hump hump ♪
Have a lick of my leftovers.
I don't know how much longer
I can keep this up.
Don't you quit on me.
You're all I've got left.
(Blows whistle)
Great. Let's call it a day.
We're done when I say
we're done.
(Whines) Come on, dad,
we're so exhausted.
And my thighs are
really chaffed.
(Singsongy) Hey, hey,
mama's boy, mama's boy.
I bet you're gonna cry.
Squirt out a few.
Come on! Cry!
One, two, three, cry.
One, two, three, cry.
(Door closes)
Bobby,
I just came by to say... (Coughs) ugh!
This house smells like
sweat socks filled with
bleu cheese.
It was him.
It was me.
(Raspy voice)
It's so great here, Grayson.
You should join us.
Cough-sicle?
(Coughs and wheezes)
I hope you're happy, Bobby.
The wardrobe fitting
for my new commercial
was humiliating!
Turbo-T isn't a deodorant.
It's an underarm cream for
men with low testosterone.
They had me riding bikes
with 60-year-olds
and bedding her.
(High-pitched cackle)
What? It was funny.
Dude, buddy, I didn't know.
I was happy bartending, and then
you had to get my hopes up.
I'm not an actor.
I'm a joke.
(Door opens)
Chick is an animal.
(Door closes)
You guys are so lucky
you're sick.
(Raspy voice) It wasn't luck.
You guys got sick on purpose?!
I'm telling Jules!
(Raspy voice) You'll have to
get out first.
Guys? This is not funny.
- Knock it off!
- (Hisses)
No! No, I don't-- Leave me alone!
I don't want to be like you!
- (Hisses)
- (Shouts indistinctly)
No!
A cell phone commercial?
Why couldn't I have gotten that?
I look amazing
talking on the phone.
(Woman speaking indistinctly)
(Groans)
You okay, babe?
No, no! Don't touch me.
Everything hurts.
Just turn the lights out,
please.
(Turns off TV)
(Click)
(Air horn blows)
5:00 AM!
Training time!
Where are the other turds?
They all got sick
with Ellie's flu.
Good. They were
holding us back.
You know, I'm pretty tired
today, too, dad.
Can we just take it easy?
That sounds like loser talk.
No, no. I really am tired.
Five, four, thr--
You pop me
with that towel again,
and I will choke you with it.
Oh. I'm just trying to--
Well, stop!
This is a huge mistake!
You're a bully and you're
a horrible coach!
And I wish I'd never asked you
to help me in the first place!
Wow. This is the most conscious
I've seen you all week.
I tried to wake you up
five times last night.
Wouldn't budge.
I had a fight with my dad.
I mean, this whole training
thing has been a huge bust.
But on the positive side,
I don't have to run the 5K.
- What, you're not gonna run the race?
- What's the point?
Jules, the reason you started
this was to motivate your dad.
Say what you want about
his coaching methods,
Chick was definitely motivated.
But he's too motivated.
It's awful.
Do you know how many towel snap
marks I have on my ass?
I actually do. I counted last
night when you wouldn't wake up.
Look, I know things got hard
with Chick,
but you wanted to convince him
not to quit when life got tough.
Right?
If you bail on the race,
it's not exactly setting
a great example.
You're right.
- Can you do me a favor?
- You want me to call Chick?
No. Will you lift that glass
to my lips?
My arms are dead.
Sure. Here you go.
- Sippy-sippy.
- Mmm.
Hey, G-man.
I just had to come say
I'm sorry.
Just gonna wear that robe
everywhere, huh?
Look, man, I'm the one
who needs to apologize, okay?
You were just trying
to encourage me.
Besides, I don't believe
I'm gonna be a movie star
any more than you believe you're
gonna win a Heisman Trophy.
Why can't I win
a Heisman Trophy?
'Cause you have to...
be a football player.
In college.
Oh. Pfft. Excuses, excuses.
Look... maybe I got my head
in the clouds,
but the second you start listing
reasons a dream won't happen,
it's as good as dead.
You wanna hear another dream
of mine,
one that I've never
told anyone?
Let's see.
I'm gonna go with...
live out the plot of
any Burt Reynolds movie.
It's to get married again.
And I know I'm--
I'm broke
and I live on a boat
in a parking lot,
but I'd rather have
a far-fetched dream
than no dream at all.
That makes a lot of sense.
I mean, I just wish
I didn't get picked
for such an embarrassing
product.
Buddy, they picked you because
you're the young stud that
all those old dudes wanna be.
So I say go in there
and show 'em what
real testosterone looks like.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! I am a stud!
- Yeah! (Laughs)
Yeah, you are!
Now go get it!
All right!
(Laughs)
Shoot's not for, like, an hour,
so I'll probably just
hang here until I gotta go.
Dad, are you here?
How'd you know I was here?
Because this is where
I would come as a kid
whenever we'd get into a fight.
And... you'd find me
and give me a big hug.
And you'd spin me around,
and all my problems
would go away.
I'm sorry I blew up at you.
I'm sorry I was so rough
on you.
I was excited at getting
to coach again.
And I... got carried away.
I forgot how tight
you roll a towel.
Any time I was ever tough
with you as a coach or as a dad,
it was only because
I wanted you to succeed.
That's what makes you
such a great dad.
I mean,
you can be tough, but...
I always knew that you cared.
And that's why I wanted
to inspire you,
'cause I'm not ready
to lose you.
Honey, you did inspire me.
I needed somebody to snap me out
of the funk I was in,
and you did.
You didn't give up on me,
because my girl doesn't quit.
You want a spin?
(Scoffs) You know I do.
What is this, Sunday brunch?
- (Grunts)
- Get the lead out.
- (Laughing)
- Let's go!
There you are.
(Nasal voice) Being sick is amazing.
(Wheezes)
It's hour five of
this Teletubbies marathon,
and nobody can judge us.
Go to sleep, Tinky-Winky.
(Door opens)
Wait. That's actually
a really good pet name.
Hey, guys,
brought you some soup.
Wow. This place smells like
my nana's house.
She used to always perm her hair
and never cleaned the cat box.
No, I don't think
we can smell anything.
(Nasal voice) Hey, Jules,
you know what?
Ellie was getting everyone--
Oof!
I'm so sorry you're all sick
and I can't be here
to take care of you.
I'll pick up some flu medicine
on the way back from the 5K.
You're still gonna do the run?
Yeah. I mean, technically,
I'm off the hook,
but I can't exactly preach to my
dad about not quitting on life
and then quit
on this little race.
Love you, guys.
Wish me luck.
(All) Good luck.
(Door closes)
There's a thespian
in the building!
I hope you people are ready
to see a tour de force,
because I'm here to
act my ass off!
(Laughs) Now which one of
you little punks' job is it
to fetch me a soda?
Are you looking for
the low testosterone spot?
- Yes, I am.
- That's next door.
It's... oh. Got...
(Chuckles) Oh! Thank you.
That's...
Very kind. (Chuckles) Next door.
(Bear Mountain's "Congo"
playing)
I'm proud of you, honey.
- You sure you feel up to this?
- Hell, yeah.
Next time you see me, I'll be
dashing across that finish line.
Yeah.
(Fires starter pistol)
Oh!
(Cheering)
♪
Oh.
It's okay, Jules.
You can do this.
It only feels like
you got shot in the knee.
♪
What are you doing here?
You're tough, Jules,
but I know you're hurting.
It's okay if you want
to sit this out.
Not a chance.
I'm not quitting.
That's my girl.
Then let's do this.
I can't believe you came
to support me.
(Voice breaking) Don't get
all weepy on me.
If you start crying,
then I'm gonna lose it, too.
(Voice breaking)
I can't help it. I just--
I love you so much.
I love you, too, Junebug.
(Cries)
Oh, crap. I can't see
through the tears in my eyes.
(Crash)
(Crowd) Aah!
Keep going, Jules!
You can do it!
Sunscreen's in my eyes!
I'm blind!
Oh, my God.
I can see dead people.
Grandpa?
Oh!
Oh! Ohh!
(Grunts) Come on,
we can do it, J-bird!
(Groans) Hang in there, mom.
(Jules groans)
♪
(Panting)
Ohh. Oh! Ellie.
- Tater Tot.
- (Chuckles)
You're all here!
Whose hand is on my ass?
- Just trying to help with the glutes.
- Oh.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry
we weren't here all along.
It's okay.
I'm just glad it's over.
I feel delirious.
So if I confess to you that
I got everybody sick on purpose,
you might not remember?
It's okay.
I'm just glad it's over.
I feel delirious.
- Let's get her some fluids.
(Bobby) - All right.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
No, no. Let's get you...
(Jazz playing)
(Man) Moody? Low energy?
Trouble maintaining
an erection?
You may have low testosterone.
Low testosterone can affect
all areas of your life.
But Turbo-T gel, used daily,
can safely and effectively
elevate
your testosterone levels...
on the court
and everywhere else.
Boost your energy,
raise your performance,
put the bang back in your game
with Turbo-T.