Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Trip to Pirate's Cove - full transcript

(Laughing)

Ellie, are you crazy?
Ditch the wine glass.

(Whispers)
Here comes the fuzz.

Wife of the mayor.

(Gasps)

Just because Andy is
the figurehead mayor,

you can drink anywhere?

That is so cool.

I also get handicap parking,
free stamps,

and if I need a jar opened,

I just call
the fire department.



If I were mayor,

I would grant more rights
to animals.

But also, more responsibility.

All potty business must
be done behind a tree.

And if a dog
has a visible beanbag,

he's gotta wear dog pants.
Ugh.

- What? What?
- Hey.

The mayor's wife can just
take bottles of wine?

Uh, no, that's more
of an Ellie thing.

- We should walk faster.
- Oh.

_

All right, you each get
one pirate joke.

Okay, what is a pirate's,
um, favorite movie?

One that's rated "Argh!"
(Laughs)



Okay, I'm up.

Look...
It's Captain Jack Sparrow.

But it's... not Johnny Depp.
It's a guy that's...

(Lowered voice) shorter.

It's stupid Buccaneer Week
in Gulfhaven.

It's this dumb event to get
tourists here to spend money.

Since I'm mayor, I have to...

Okay, do-over.

Hey, look!

It's Pirate... Long John...

silver not-short... mayor.

Ah, I'm 0-for-2.

- Oh.
- They want me to schmooze

all these rich business owners
and their wives.

So I was hoping I'd get
a hand from... Charming Ellie?

Charming Ellie?
Well, what's that?

It's Ellie being charming.

(Laughs) Come on.
Seriously, what is that?

Oh, I'm serious.

I can turn it on
when I absolutely have to.

But Charming Ellie
hasn't been out in ten years,

not since
the hostage situation...

(Voice breaks) at the bank.

They were gonna kill us.

(Bobby)
I'm so glad they didn't.

Oh, Bobby and I decided
we'd keep our phones

on speaker all day.

- That way we don't miss anything.
- That way we don't miss anything.

- Jinx!
- Jinx!

(Laughs)

Anyway, if I mess up this week,

they can squeeze me
out of office.

Eh, well.

Which means no more
drinking wine in public.

Fine. I'll be irresistibly
charming, you jackass.

Wait. Did it start yet?

- I mean, that was kinda charming.
- Yeah.

Hey, take a picture
of this mole on my back.

I don't have a mirror
on the boat.

Dog Travis has body issues.

I'm sure he does.
(Camera shutter clicks)

Hey, you know,
I got a gig taking pics

of Mayor Torres
for Buccaneer Week.

(Andy) Please, call me Mayor Andy.
(Toilet flushing)

- (Laughs)
- You guys keep your phones on

when you go to the bathroom?

Friendship doesn't stop to pee.

- I feel like it should.
- I should go.

Stupid rich jerk Roger Frank

told me to be there
at 10:00 sharp.

Why are you so worried about impressing Roger?
(Camera shutter clicks)

You're the mayor.

Yeah, but he's the head
of the chamber of commerce.

On a casual whim,
he could just drain

the city budget or take away
my mayoral Netflix account.

So you're not gonna come watch me surf?
(Camera shutter clicks)

Without you holding up
scorecards,

I don't know how I'm doing.

(Sighs) Time to go
be important.

- Confidence dance me out?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, whoo!

Go get 'em pirate!
Go get 'em, yeah!

I wish I had more friends.
(Camera shutter clicks)

Why aren't you people
coming into my shop?!

The next person that walks by
without buying

one of my delicious cakes
is getting a slice

jammed down their throat.

Wow, threatening customers.

Always a good move.

Listen, can I borrow
a bunch of napkins?

My bar is packed.

Oh, I guess pirates aren't
really that into cake.

My business is crashing.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I didn't get into this
business for the money.

I really love the look
on a little kid's face

when they see one of
my butterfly cakes.

Ugh, I still need
their stupid parents

to pay for it.

Here.

Don't worry.
People will come.

Tom!
How may I help you?

Uh, bachelor party for
a dermatologist friend of mine.

Uh, these skin docs really
know how to party.

Do you wanna buy a cake or not?

Yes, it's a special order.

Can you make... that?

(Gasps) Oh, Tom! Gross!

I mean, yes, I've
obviously tried that before.

But I'm not putting it
on a cake. Come on.

All right, I'll take
my business elsewhere.

Wait.

I'll make your filthy cake.

Sweet! All right,
let's talk about flavors.

As the owner
of over a dozen businesses

here in Gulfhaven,
I'm already very rich.

And if this Buccaneer Week thing
takes off and the tourists stay,

I'll be even richer.
(Camera shutter clicking)

Nothing would make me happier.

I've taken every precaution
to make sure

that Buccaneer Week goes flawlessly.
(Chuckles)

(Camera shutter clicks)

(Menacing theme playing)

What the--

Aah! Oh, jellyfish!
Killer jellyfish!

I've anticipated every possible problem.
(Shutter continues clicking)

Beefed up security.

You have my guarantee that
absolutely nothing

will happen to ruin
Buccaneer Week.

Giant killer jellyfish!

He's gonna kill us all!
Run for your lives!

Ohh! No!

Did not anticipate that.

(Imitates pirate voice) Ahoy!
It's me favorite wenches.

(Normal voice) Pirate talk
is weirdly catchy.

Well, stop.
'Cause Ellie's gotta get

her game face on.
She has to charm

those socialite wenches
over there.

You're right. It is catchy.

- Right?
- I shouldn't have let

Andy talk me into this.
I don't even know

if I can turn on
the charm anymore.

All I can think about
is how much I wanna set fire

to that tourist's wig.

Okay, high energy.
That's good.

Now let's get arson
off the table.

I know you can do this, Ellie.

I... think you can
do this, Ellie.

Let's get this over with.

Have a strong drink ready.

She's gonna tank this
big-time.

Oh, hi!
Three gin Martinis.

And if you're quick about it,
I'll give you some style advice.

These waitresses outfits
are horrendous.

Hi, Bev.

I am Ellie Torres,
the Mayor's wife.

I think I met you last year

at the police gala.

Although, I swear,
you look even younger tonight.

You're Gulfhaven's
Benjamin Button.

Oh!
(Women laugh)

And the bartenders may need
to check some IDs here.

Sir, it is 'tini time
for my darling friends.

- Who's ready to party, gals?
- (Chuckles)

Shiver me timbers!
Who is that?

So I said to my seamstress,
what do you expect me to do?

Wear a salmon cardigan
with a Paisley scarf?

What do you think I am,
an escaped mental patient?

(Women laugh)

Please allow me to introduce you
to my dearest friend.

This is Jules. Love.

She's the town's premiere
real estate agent.

She single-handedly
put her son through college.

She's my touchstone
and the light of my life.

Aw.

Well, it's nice
to meet you all.

Hey, guys.

And, uh, who is this?

This is Dr. Thomas Gazelian,
Gulfhaven's own Don Draper.

He's an accomplished
neurosurgeon.

And rumor has it,
he's quite the ladies man.

(Gasps)

- Uh, I feel light-headed.
- Who's hungry?

Do you guys wanna go get
the best tapas?

Olé! (Laughs)

(Chairs scrape floor)

I don't want this to end.

I'm intrigued,
but I still feel like

she's gonna drain their blood
and leave 'em all in a ditch.

Maybe.

There's a giant
killer jellyfish out there.

He looked me right in the eyes,

- and all I saw was murder!
(Travis) - Slow down,

take a deep breath,
tell us what you really saw.

Okay.

There's a giant killer jellyfish
out there, who looked me

right in the eyes,
and all I saw was murder!

And I'm telling you,
this monster was, like,

20 feet wide.

Are you sure it wasn't
a bunch of little jellyfish

that looked like
one great big one?

Yeah, I saw some little ones.

But they were guarding
the big one, man.

Like Stormtroopers
on Darth Vader.

An-do, I'm telling you,
you gotta close the beaches.

Drugs and surfing
don't mix, son.

Bobby, this week is very
important for local businesses.

And if we close the beaches,
they'll lose a lot of money.

Oh, An-do, you believe me now,
don'tcha?

Of course I do.

Don't worry.
I'll keep the beaches safe.

Yeah. I knew I could
count on you.

I've always suspected that
he's a teenage boy

who made a wish at a carnival
to become big.

You are not actually
going to listen to him.

Bobby's great, but he's not
exactly known for being

grounded in reality.

(Camera shutter clicking)
Don't worry. I'll-- I'll handle him.

(Andy) He gets a little crazy
sometimes.

If I wanted to add
the 3-breasted lady

from Total Recall,

that would just be
the regular price?

You know I charge by the boob.

Uh, excuse me.
Uh, what is going on?

Why does it look like
an airport strip club in here?

I made one naughty cake
for Tom,

and now I'm tapped into
a whole new part

of the cake business.

(Singsongy)
The dirty part.

A tweet from @doctortomg
helped spread the word.

- That's @doctortomg-- D-O-C--
- Be careful, Laurie.

This feels like
a slippery slope.

It's funny, because I see
your lips moving,

but all I'm hearing is
ka-ching, ka-ching.

Hi!

I would like a naughty cake
for my husband's birthday.

Um, I want it to be me, naked,

but three months more pregnant.

I'm gonna need a lot more orange frosting.
(Sighs)

What's going on with you?

I was just thinking
about Chellie.

That's Charming Ellie.

Travis, she is so magnetic,
that silverware

will just fly across the room
and stick to her.

Okay, that didn't happen.
But she is amazing.

Ellie!

Come say hi to Travis.

Why? Does that pasty-faced
art nerd have something

interesting to say for once?

Tell him I'm bored enough
already as it is.

- What a peach.
- That was Ellie.

Chellie is great.

She is so nice,
she would've put

a positive spin
on your paleness.

She would've called you
"Porcelain."

Okay, whoever Chellie is,
is gone now.

I didn't even really
get to know her.

We didn't get a chance
to go have lunch

and laugh over salads,
like women do in magazines.

I gotta get her back.

You can't pick and choose
your favorite parts

of people like that.

You have to accept them
for who they are.

Hmm. Yeah,
I guess you're right.

Hey, have you ever
thought about

getting that chin dimple
filled in?

Sure, the ocean was murky
and-- and you thought

you saw something you didn't.

So if you could tell everyone
that the water's safe,

it would really help me out.

Sure, then.

Anything for my best friend.

This Buccaneer Week
is a killer.

I'm putting out fires
all over town.

Hey, well, don't let them
near my cleave cash,

because I am... (Singsongy) flammable.

I had to put on my old
double-D shoplifting bra

just to fit all this in there.

In my day,

I could fit a honeybaked ham
and a DVD box set in there.

That's a lot of cash.

She decided to turn
her cake shop

into an adult-themed
establishment.

So I decided to mix up
my business a little bit.

What's the harm in that?

(Chuckles) I'll tell you.

It was nine years ago.

I wanted to reach some
new customers,

so I got one of those
Monday night soccer channels.

It worked. (Chuckles) Place was packed...

Until the Hooligans took over.

Yeah, I had to change the name
of my French fries to "Chips."

I ordered fire extinguishers

in bulk to put out
trash can fires.

I was headbutted
on six different occasions.

Sometimes when I close my eyes,

I can still hear them.

♪ Olé! ♪

♪ olé, olé, olé ♪

♪ olé! ♪

(Softly) ♪ olé ♪

I remember that.
Didn't they flip over

a police car in the plaza?

With the policemen still in it.

I ended up bringing in
a family of rats

to have my own bar shut down
by the board of health.

Nothing like that could
happen to me, could it?

Whoo! Cake slut.

That's the first time

I've been called "Slut"
in a bad way.

Don't worry about it, sir.
I got it all taken care of.

(Mouths words)

(Indistinct conversations)

(Amplified voice)
Citizens of Gulfhaven,

the Mayor has asked me
to get up here

and tell you that
the water's safe

and that there is no
giant killer jellyfish.

(Crowd murmuring)

(Loudly)
The Mayor's a liar!

The giant killer jellyfish
is out for blood!

It's a man-eater,
and opening up the beaches

is like ringing a dinner bell.

(Crowd murmuring)

Why is he running?
We're on land.

Bobby, what did you just do?

How should I know?

I'm not exactly
grounded in reality.

These people are the worst.

Aw. You know what?
You should probably be

Charming Ellie just in case

there's anyone
important around.

Oh, like the falling down
drunk with the eye patch?

I wish I had two eye patches.

Yeah, but you just never know.

I mean, see that couple
right there?

They could be members
of the chamber of commerce.

Socialites tend not to run
the bases in public.

Yeah, well, maybe that's what
they want you to think,

which is why
they're undercover.

You should probably be
charming just in case.

Bu-bu-bu-bah.

Why do you keep trying
to get me

to be nice to strangers?

I think I know what's going on.

You like Charming Ellie,
don't you?

What? (Scoffs) That's crazy.

Oh, are you just saying that
because you wanna be Chellie?

'Cause I would totally
support that.

You have a name for it?!
Oh, my God.

You like Charming Ellie
more than me.

Oh, honey, of course not.

I love you more
than anything, Chellie.

Wait, did I say "Ellie"
or "Chellie"?

Wow. So my best friend
would rather be friends

with a totally
different person.

Thanks, Jules.

Oh, Ellie, come on.
I'm so sorry.

Ellie!

Argh!

Ellie, I didn't mean
I want you to change.

Please don't be mad.

I'm not mad. It's fine.

You like Chellie better.

Maybe I'll be Chellie
all the time.

Your top is really flattering.

Thank you?

You're a pleasure to be around.

You know, your words are nice,

but your voice is mean.

Compliments aren't
supposed to hurt!

Hey. What's going on?

I needed some new business,
and I got some, okay?

I'm shocked...
and slightly turned on.

Number 12!

Oh, let me guess.

You hang out here
all the time now.

Not all the time.
I do have a job.

I just... called in sick.

Hey, can I amend
my other order?

I wanna upgrade from big
to ba-donka-donk.

Oh, hi.

My kooky husband loved
the idea of the pregnant cake.

But he wants to take it
up a notch.

So could we just, um...

What?
(Whispering indistinctly)

That's insane!

Well, the other woman
doesn't have to be black.

That's it. I want all
creepy weirdos out my shop.

You heard the lady!

Well, I just kicked a bunch
of paying customers

out of my shop,
and now it is empty again.

True, but you chose integrity
over compromising your vision.

And that's gotta feel good,
right?

(Exhales deeply)

(All shouting over each other)

Mr. Mayor!

You need to close the beaches.

My children swim there.
My children!

And I love children, miss, but--

Look, if we close the beaches,

then all these tourists leave.

And not to sound cold,

but I've been cleaning up
this week.

Down with big business!

Say "No" to the lies!
(Crowd booing)

Let's hear from
the brilliant Roger Frank.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

I say the beaches stay open,
hoo-zah!

(Crowd) Yeah! Yeah!

You! You're a troublemaker!

(Scratching)
(Crowd groans)

You all know me,

know what I do for a livin'.

It hasn't been easy.
I can't please all of you.

Too many captains in this town.

But only one is my best friend,

so if Bobby Cobb said he saw

a giant killer jellyfish,
then he saw it.

The head, the tail,

the whole damn thing.

The beaches are closed.

I'm going home,
ladies and gentlemen.

(Crowd booing)
Go, go!

(Woman) - Yeah! Woo-hoo!
- Wa-wa-- wait, wait, wait, wait.

I do exaggerate
a little bit sometimes,

but my best friend is legit.

And if Mayor Torres says
the beaches are safe,

then they're safe.

And I'm gonna prove it.

(Andy) Not by yourself,
you're not.

(Both groan)

What just happened?

We're... going in the water

to see if... it's safe.

Was that not... clear?

I need to move to a new town.

I don't mean it in a bad way.

I just think they'll be
happier back home.

Of course.

My son is half Cuban,

but I totally see
what you're saying.

(Chuckles) Oh, Ellie.

Your charm more than
makes up for the fact

that you dress like
a teenage boy.

I sure do, Bev.

Oh, you! (Chuckles)
(Women laugh)

Uh, can you excuse us
for a second?

- No, I'm laughing.
- I wanna talk to you. Okay, thanks.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm being Chellie.

'Cause she's so fun
and charming to be around.

She is, but this isn't
what I wanted.

Come on. You know me!

I fall in love with new things.

Remember that psychic phase
I went through?

I had that crystal ball,
and Bobby went bowling with it?

New things come and go.

I just don't realize how
beautiful and perfect

the old thing was
until it's gone.

You miss and desperately
love Ellie?

More than anything.

I'm so sorry, honey.

It's okay.

Just that being nice
hurts me to my core.

Unless I'm being nice to you.

Wait, does that mean
I get to have Ellie back

but also just
a little side of Chellie?

We'll see how it goes.

First, I have to take care
of a little... something.

You're gonna go destroy
those women, aren't you?

Beautiful bitch is back.

Excuse me.

How are you at making balls?

Are you serious?

Come on, your kid
is right here.

- Yes, and she loves soccer,
so for her birthday... - Oh!

- ...we were hoping...
- My mistake.

Yes. No, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
Of course, yeah.

I can make soccer balls.

Wow.

Oh! Uh...

do you know...

that this butterfly cake

is the first kind of cake
that I ever learned how to make?

Do you like it?

It's so pretty.
Can I have it?

Well, then. I-I guess
we'll take the butterfly.

Can I offer
a more sensible solution?

Call a professional,
see if the water's safe.

We don't need a professional.

We have friendship.

- Best friendship!
- Oh, great.

Because I read that friendship

keeps away jellyfish
and sharks.

So you should be all good.

Ah, I don't see any jellyfish.

I think we're safe.

Yeah, I guess Darth Vader
and his Stormtroopers

headed back to their
underwater death st-- Aah!

- Oh!
- (Laughs)

Did you just say "Death stah"

like you're from
New Jersey-- Aah!

Oh, man. It's about to
get bad, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Well, at least
we're together-- Aah!

Oh, man,
they're every-- Aah! Aah!

And it looks like friendship
does not keep jellyfish away.

(Bobby and Andy) Ooh! Ow!

Weak pour, dime eyes.

What do you think I am,
some slutty tourist in a corset?

♪♪

You look so gorgeous.

I wish I could
stare at you forever.

I get the best of both Ellies.

This is perfect.
(Door closes in distance)

- Not for me.
- Nobody cares.

Hey. Who wants to
dive into a tray

of leftover erotic cake parts?
(Sets down plate)

Duh, bring it.

Ooh.

I Frankensteined all the unused
boobs, butts, and limbs

into one giant erotic cake
super freak.

It's like out of one of
those Japanese anime pornos.

(Laughing) I'm guessing.

I mean, how would I know
in the first place?

Hey, does it make me gay
if I eat this?

I think it does.

I'm doing it anyway.

Well, you don't have to--
Do you want a fork?

Still sore from those stings?

But you know what might
make us feel better?

Hmm?

♪ Olé, olé, olé, olé ♪

♪ olé, olé ♪

No, no, no, no, no.
Sorry. Get out of here.

Not that kind of bar.

Mnh-mnh. Go on.
Sorry, fellas.

(Quietly)
♪ Olé, olé, olé, olé ♪

(Loudly) ♪ olé, olé ♪