Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 7 - Time to Move On - full transcript

Okay, what do you think
I should get Travis

for his graduation gift...

the robot vacuum,
uh, electric bike,

or a one-person hovercraft?

Definitely not a robot vacuum.

Those things really
creep me out.

I need my vacuums to have soul.

He doesn't graduate
for four months.

I thought you agreed to cut back
on your early shopping?

Okay, fine.

Then I'll just
make some returns,



and you'll never know
what you were getting

for Christmas 2015.

A spray tan package!

Oh, hey, why don't you
get him this massage chair?

"Perfect for those times
you wanna be touched,

but you're all alone."

You can have them deliver it
right to his room upstairs,

where he'll be
for the next ten years.

Why would Travis be
living here after graduation?

'Cause he's graduating
from art school.

Oh, come on, Ellie.

Now we all know that Trav is
ambitious, independent,

and has a fantastic work ethic.

Why are we laughing?



_

Hey, I was just
talking about you.

So graduation's
in a couple months, huh?

Yeah. Guess that's right.

In the eight or nine years
it'll take you

to find a way to make money
with an art degree,

what do you see yourself doing?

Lotta irons in the fire.

Can't wait to, uh, dive in,

get my hands dirty,
really hit the ground running.

I gotta go to class.
Later.

Bye, babe.

Well, it sounds like Travis
has got a lot going on.

Those are just empty buzzwords.

I do that at work

when I can't think
of anything to say.

"You need to prioritize,"

"Refocus your capital,"
"Really attack the market."

Should I be attacking
the market?

Yeah, go ahead.

I don't mind dating a guy
who plays with action figures,

I just don't think
I should have to pay for them.

Dude needs a J-O-B.

I should go.

We are trying to get Stan
into Gulfhaven Academy.

The woman from admissions
is coming by the house.

That place
is crazy competitive.

They barely accept anyone.

Like me, but a school.

Why didn't you tell me?

You know I need at least
an hour to tie a Windsor knot.

You're not invited.

You know you get all weepy
talking about Stan's future,

and then you make
a huge ass of yourself.

I'm cool with Stan
getting older...

going to school...

becoming a man.

Okay. All right,
that's all yours, Jules. Enjoy.

Just let it out.

It's like
yesterday he was a baby!

Laurie, where's Jules?

Whoa, are you okay?

You didn't even call me a name.

There's no time,
trample-stiltskin.

Okay, there's a little time.
Where is she?

She's showing a house.

- Aren't you supposed to be at
your interview? - My nanny is sick.

If I don't have someone
watching Stan,

he might put
Thousand Island dressing

in my shampoo bottle again.

Honey, I'll watch him.

I used to take care
of my 15 foster sibs.

Well, Stan is a major handful.

Bitch, please.

One of my brothers
thought he was a pit bull.

I used to fill a dog toy
with peanut butter

to keep him from biting.
I think I got this.

Okay, but only
because I'm totally screwed.

Come on, hooba-skank!

Hey! I'm doing you
a favor.

I'm sorry, it's reflex.

Thank you so much for helping.

Slut-bag.

Bobby, we need to talk.

Uh-oh.
I know that voice.

Either something's going on
with Travis,

or your Aunt Gracie died again.

I asked Travis
what he wants to do

after graduation,

and he said he has a lot
of irons in the fire.

Sounds like our boy
means business.

No, he doesn't.

I know he wants to be
a photographer,

but that could take
a really long time.

What's he gonna do
for money until then?

Pretty soon,
Trav will be on his own...

out in the world.

Okay, you're gonna
have to go, dude.

You're kicking me out, too?!

Damn it.

I don't want Travis
to be one of those kids

that finishes school,
and just sits around

doing nothing,
waiting for his dream job.

What are we gonna do?

You hold him so close
he never grows up.

- Dude.
- I'll stop.

We have to sit Travis down,
and we have to make sure

that he has a plan.

I'm in.

Hello?

Hmm? Oh, you meant now.
Oh, come on. Yep, got it.

Looks like you're dealing
with something.

So I'm just gonna
leave you with that and...

Ellie kicked me
out of the house,

and I don't know what
to do with myself.

Are you kidding?

In my first marriage,

my friends and I would rage
when our wives were busy.

Me and a buddy once

broke into
Gloria Estefan's house

and took a picture
with her grammy.

Not the award...

her grandmother
was house-sitting.

I don't know.

I might just put on
my cozy pants

and get an oil change.

Tell you what...
Jules is with Travis,

so I'm gonna help you out.

We're gonna do anything
you want.

Something crazy,
you name it. Bro day!

Do we have to call it
"Bro day"?

Well, I used to call it
"Dudes on the down low,"

but turns out,
that means something else.

Stan's test scores are great.

But we're looking for kids
from families

that are a little more... diverse.

Well, Stan's half-Cuban.

This is Florida,
Mrs. Torres.

I dare you to throw a rock
and not hit a Cuban.

Figuratively.

Sorry, sorry to interrupt.

I just need to grab Stan's books.

Unfortunately,
we only have a few spots left.

And we hope to fill those
with a child from say,

a low-income bracket
or single-parent home,

or perhaps
an alternative family.

So...

Excuse me.

Oh, baby girl.

You know I can't resist you
when you wear this sweater.

Oh, I didn't realize
that you were...

Yes, big-time.

Big-time.

So this graduating thing
is exciting.

And I know you have
a lot of irons in the fire.

Yeah, you gotta cast
a wide net,

bait the hook, see what bites.

Mover and shaker, this guy.

Oh, sorry.

We both support
your photography,

but that could take years.

So what are you planning
to do in the meantime?

A ton... cooking up
an animated web series,

may kickstart an app.

And if my blog gets linked
to Huffpo,

sky's the limit.

All I heard was "Po,"
"Kick," and "App."

So let me ask you
another way...

um, how are you gonna
support yourself?

Probably just move back here
until one of my ideas pops.

Oh! And I thought
of an idea for a reality show

about old firehouses.

My friend's cousin
lives next to a producer.

So... fingers crossed.

Yep, we raised a deadbeat.

Trav has no interest in a real job.

You know, when I was 20,
I-I worked at a car wash.

I mean, I only quit because
all the old men were yelling,

"Put 'em on the glass!"

When we met,
I was selling shoes

at an Irish pub.

I would steal them off
the drunk guys

and sell them back to 'em
at the end of the night.

Yeah, when you told me that,
there was no way

I wasn't marrying you.

Hey, maybe Trav can use
a metal detector

and collect coins at the beach.

Now, well, how do you
buy a metal detector

when you have no money?

I'm out of ideas.

Yeah, I think Travis
needs a job

that's more... a job.

The manager at Coffee Bucks
loves me.

He lets me pay
for coffee in hugs.

I bet he'd give Travis
a job interview.

I cannot believe you kissed me!

Pfft. Ugh.

What kiss?
You kissed?

W-where was I
when you kissed?

Big deal.
There was no tongue slip.

There was no tongue
because I shut my lips.

I felt you trying to poke in.

Okay, I need to know
what's going on right now.

Jelly Clarkson made out with me

in front of the admissions rep,

who now thinks we're lovers.

She said that they were
looking for kids

from alternative families.

As in... same-sex couples.

Oh, great.
That's her now.

What was it like?
I mean... did you like it?

I mean, do you think
that Ellie would be

a better kisser than me?

I always thought I would
make a magnificent gay man.

I'm a tender, open-minded,
free spirit,

and I got a quality unit.

Oh.

Well, Stan is now very high
on their waiting list.

They just invited me
to a prospective parent picnic.

Boo-yah! I told you
it would work.

So what's the problem, lady?

The problem is
that she wants me

to bring my partner.

Oh. Yeah.
That might be a problem.

Goodness, look at us.

The best of friends
just laughin'...

and lovin'...

and kissing?

Not now, sweetie.

Bro time!
What do you got?

Okay, let's see.

Um, beef up
my shell collection,

make some fruit smoothies.

You know, I always wanted
to grow my own basil.

Dude, you got a free pass here.

We gotta do something
bro-dacious

like jet-skiing,
catfishing,

or body surfing,
or motorcycling, spelunking,

or dunking and crunking!

I guess I'll know it
when I hear it.

Hey, Grayson?

Could I borrow some of those
tiny drink umbrellas?

Snowball and I
are making a cat video.

Cat video!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You said anything I want,

and this is what I want.
It sounds purr-fect.

Meow we're talkin'.

It'll be kitty fun.

Hey, it's pretty cool
you got Trav an interview,

but I doubt he's gonna dig
us eavesdroppin'.

Please, I've got this covered.

So, Travis, tell me...

why do you wanna work
for Coffee Bucks?

Well, "Want" is
a bit of an overstatement.

My mom forced me
to take this interview.

You know how it is.

Bonus points for honesty, I suppose.

Uh, what would you say
are your strengths?

Sci-fi movie trivia,

ironic t-shirt ideas,
subtle sarcastic put-downs...

nice tie, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

Not a strong start.

But he could still
put it around.

But you are passionate
about coffee.

Uh... coffee?

I'm passionate about
photography,

passionate about my girlfriend.

Oh, yeah.

What kind of weirdo
is passionate about coffee?

This weirdo is passionate
about coffee.

I think you should go.

I might not be able
to pay with hugs anymore.

Yeah.

If there is anything funnier
than a cat CPA

with a tiny briefcase...

I don't know what it is.

You know, on my last bro day,

my buddy and I
took a cigarette boat

to get Cuban food...

in Cuba.

I should get some tuna.

Snowball can get
a little bratty

if his blood sugar drops.

It's hard work being
a cat-countant.

A cat-countant?!

Can you not see yourselves?
Look at you,

you're two grown men
trying to put a cat

in a bow tie and a pocket
protector. It's so stupid.

You should at least make him
something cool,

you know, like...

you know, like a bartender
or something.

You mean, cat-tender?

Yeah, like a...
like a cat-tender.

To the pub!

Okay, we are only going along
with this insanity

until I find a way
to straighten

this whole thing out.

Okay, well,
as long as we are a couple,

my relationship demands
are as follows...

constant touching,
surprise kisses,

casual boob grazes,
and regular compliments.

Some good areas to focus on...
my eyes, hair, feet.

I'm out.

Mrs. Torres,
it's great to see you.

It's so nice to be here...
with my partner.

We are lovers, above all else.

Isn't that right, lover?

Yes, lover.

Aw! You have that look
in your eye,

like you're about
to pay me a compliment.

You're... pretty,

particularly in the hair,
eye, and feet area.

It's inspiring to see
a couple so in love.

I can't keep my hands off her.

Aw.
Highway to the lady zone.

What-what?

What-what, indeed.

You know, I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this,

but Trav has no job, no plan,

and no respect for money.

It's time
to scare him straight.

And I am the poster boy
for zero ambition...

living on a land boat,
hand-to-mouth,

and I use a costo-sized bag
of oyster crackers as a pillow.

Why don't you just
roll up a towel?

What would I put under the door

to keep the snakes out?

What's up, parental unit?

Travis, have a seat.

Let me tell you
about my life, son.

Last night I had
six Doritos Locos tacos

and fell asleep naked
under the stars,

'cause I got no job

and nowhere to be
when I wake up.

Sounds... amazing.

It's awful.

You know, he has to steal
his electricity

from a sushi restaurant/
gas station.

Of course, if he was
willing to get a job,

he wouldn't be in this
pathetic situation.

I don't know
if it was pathetic.

It's pathetic and embarrassing.

And that's what's
gonna happen to you, boy.

Is this some type of
"Scared straight" routine?

Travis, you need
a wake-up call.

I mean, I can't believe
how you acted in that interview.

So you were spying on me
in the interview?

Why can't you just let me
do anything on my own?

Yeah, Jules, why do you
always have to meddle?

What are you
doing? We're a team.

We were until
you threw me under the bus.

Yes, but we were
supposed to throw you

under the bus together.

This is crazy!
I'm outta here.

Yeah, you know what?
I'm outta here, too.

Well, I'm outta here, too!

Damn it! This is not
an easy place

to storm out of.

Wow! Really sucking
it down, huh?

Yeah, so what?

Your wine is like crap,
pretzels are stale.

What's that stupid photograph?

Oh, that's me
and my buddy Blake

with Gloria Estefan's grammy.

We were being bro-dacious.

Well, that's actually kinda cool.

I'm sorry, honey,
I'm just...

I'm upset about this
Travis thing.

And Bobby completely ruined
our "Scared straight" routine.

That never works.

Although, I do do
a great angry inmate.

Boy, you don't
wanna come into my world.

I'll slap some strawberry
lip gloss on you

and make you my woman.

Ooh, can we do that tonight?

What? No.

All right, maybe
the "Scared straight" thing

was a dumb idea.

But I just... I want Travis
to start thinking

about his future.

I didn't start working
right after college,

and look at me now.

I'm a successful,
responsible business owner.

Grayson, look at these
prosthetic cat paws

so Snowball can mix drinks.

I didn't...
What was that about?

I didn't even know
he was back there.

I know I meddle
in Travis' life.

I just... I want him
to make smart choices

so he doesn't end up struggling

like Bobby and I did.

Look, he's 22 years old now.

He's gonna do
what he wants to do,

and if you've raised him right,

then he already has the tools
to make the right decisions.

Besides, we know he's mature.
I mean, all he does

is hang with a bunch of adults.

Grayson, the mustache you made

won't stick
to Snowball's whiskers.

We need a cat-safe
adhesive.

Are you trying to time these
for maximum embarrassment?

Yeah.
But seriously,

we need your help
with the whiskers.

Ellie was my psych
TA in college,

so I asked for study help,

and she said office hours
were that night at her house.

Well, bottle of tequila later,

we're all tangled up
in a bubble bath.

The rest is history.

It's like our story was lifted

straight off the pages
of "Maxim" magazine.

Oh, oh, baby.

Maybe dial it back
a notch, L-word.

I don't do relationships
halfway.

Quick, the Murrays are looking.

Stick your tongue in my ear.
Make it deep.

At what roadside truck stop

did you learn about
relationships?

I guess I'm supposed
to just sit here, unloved,

by a seething ball
of negativity.

Well, at least I'm not
a giant pit of need.

I'm sorry that I'm so needy!

You're just a cold fish.
You never touch me!

We're at a public event.

This is not the ideal place
for ear sex

and a full-body rubdown.

All you do
is take me for granted.

I give and I give and I give

to be the very best
lesbian I can,

and you never care!

I am done. Do you hear me?

Done!

Excuse me.

We fight because we love.

Uh, excuse me.

Why is our cat-tender
wearing a Hawaiian shirt?

Oh, because he's a flair cat,
like Tom Cruise in "Cocktail."

Whoo!

I don't know how cats
work with these things.

We are not doing
some cheesy cat-tail rip-off.

Snowball is a film noir cat,

serving up Martinis

to hard-boiled
Humphrey Bogart types.

Who's ever heard
of a film noir cat?

Who's ever heard
of a "Cocktail" cat?

I don't think this
is a healthy cat-mosphere.

This is my bro day,
and I wanna do "Cat-sablanca."

Well, this is my bar,
and I wanna do "Cat-tail."

This is my cat...

Shut up, Tom!

You should not
have to listen to this.

Very unprofessional.

Hey, Trav.

- Look, I just got your text.
I know you're mad. - Sit.

Okay, son, I got your text,

and I know you're pissed off.

- Park it.
- Ooh. Shoot.

You know,
when I was walking away

from the boat earlier,
I thought to myself,

"Who else but my parents
would come up with an idea

as stupid as
a 'Scared straight' routine?"

It seemed so smart
when we thought of it.

I was impressed with us.

I was mad that you'd
treat me like a child,

so I figured I'd ignore you
for a few days,

make you come to me
and apologize.

But that seemed
like the behavior

of, well, a child.

So, thought I'd try something
a little more adult.

Oh, man.

- Am I about to get punched in the face?
- No, dad.

I brought you here
to say thanks.

Even though you show it

in amazingly stupid ways
sometimes,

I know you guys care about me.

And I think you guys
are great parents.

Oh, my little boy
has gotten so dadgum mature.

Not really helping
the adult vibe, mom.

Let's get in there
and grab some coffee.

- I think that went okay.
- Yes, it did.

I'm so gonna have
to pay for these coffees.

Yes, you are.

Why did you draw whiskers
on your face?

I am playing
Snowball's bar back.

It's called committing.

Well, I hope you can commit
to flair cat,

'cause that's what we're doing.

Oh! Pfft.

Look at me,
I have flair! Oh!

Well, look at me!
I'm a film noir rip-off.

Her gams went all the way

from her paws to her ears.

I could tell from the start
that this tabby was trouble.

What's happening here?
What are you guys doing?

We're having awesome bro time.

Oh, wait.
Are we taking a five?

This isn't bro-dacious
at all.

Yeah, I guess I can't
get as wild as I used to.

Do you think maybe
I could get a drink?

Ellie and I broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She's like a tornado.

She sweeps you up,
knocks you down,

and as much as it hurts,

you just want her
to do it all over again.

You smell like cat litter.

Hey.

I wanna apologize.

I know you were just
trying to help.

I'm sorry I got
so carried away.

It's just...
I never had a chance

to go to a great school
like that.

And... I really wanted it
to work out for Stan.

And it's so sweet that you
care about him so much.

I really do.

And if there was a truth gun
to my head,

I really care about you, too.

I feel the same.

Man, I'm sorry
for being such a jerk.

I'm sorry for being so...

I'm tempted to say "Catty."

Don't.

I just wish I hadn't
ruined everything today.

That school's
too pretentious for Stan.

He deserves better.

And for what it's worth,
you were a great girlfriend.

Thanks.

You were a really good
girlfriend, too.

And you're a great kisser.

You weren't bad, yourself.

Thank you.

- Mm.
- Aw.

The camera's not even here.

I'm sorry for what
I said about you on the boat.

You're not pathetic.

I was just trying
to get through to Trav.

I know, Jules.

You know, we both just want
what's best for him.

And we may not get through
to him all the time,

but overall, I'd say
we did all right.

Welcome to Coffee Bucks.
Can I take your order?

Trav, what are you
doing back there?

Did you steal that apron?

You're gonna get
in so much trouble!

Guys, I work here now.

I called the manager
and asked for a second chance.

So... what can I get for ya?

It's my first shift,

I only know how to make coffee.

Two coffees.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

I'm not supposed
to take your money.

My coffees are free?

Well, they're not
exactly free...

- Ahh.
- Ooh.

Mmm.

Is this the worst coffee
you've ever had?

Man, it tastes
like dirt and water.

Ugh.

Wow. What'll it be, pal?

Do you know the mug

at the end of the bar?
Skinny Sal?

Big drinker, bad tipper.
Ha ha, meow.

He's not as dumb as he looks.

He's the top money man for...

Whoa.

He's not as dumb as he looks.
He's the top...

What are you doing?

These paws suck...

Um... cessfully help me catch mice.

Snowball's never
gonna forgive me for this.