Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 3 - Depending on You - full transcript

Jules?

Oh, good. It's just you.

Were you napping
under your desk?

Bonnie and Jerry
just left a message

saying they're popping in
to ask me a favor.

Those two are so annoying.

Jules, your obligation
to the client ends

once they move into the house.

I know, but they call me
constantly for help.

Today, I'm putting
my foot down.

Hell, yeah, you are.



- Mm.
- Except for you won't.

Okay, here they are.

(Gasps) - Hey, Jules!
- Hi... Grayson.

Bonnie.

Uh... (Stammers)

All right.

Jules, we can't decide
on a color for the den.

Pine green? Forest green?
Asparagus?

Do you think you could
spare a day

to go over some swatches
with us?

(Inhales deeply) You know,
I don't think...

I'm doing anything today,
so... sure.

- You're the best.
- Okay. (Chuckles)

- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.



- Bye, Grayson.
(Grayson) - Bye.

(Lowered voice) Help me.

(Lowered voice) You did this
to yourself.

Ugh.

_

(Singsongy) Okay.
Who wants cookies?

Again?
(Scoffs)

We have a freezer full
of last year's Thin Mints.

You know,
you need to be careful.

Those saleskids are
super gossipy.

Before you know it,

every preteen cookie pusher
is gonna be stalking you

like I stalked
my seventh grade boyfriend

after I caught him

tongue-stabbing
my foster sister.

Ironically, I pretended
to sell cookies,

and that's how I got into his house.
(Door closes)

(Whispers) - Wah!
- Jules, why were the cookie girls

high-fiving you
after they left our house?

How should I know?

(Gasps) Hey, sexy!

How'd you get your abs
so tight?

Nice try.

You're a pushover.
Just can't say "No."

And since you're asking,

reverse crunches.
Shred me up.

(Gasps) Oh.

I'm not a pushover.

Said the girl
who spent yesterday

looking at paint swatches
with two lunatics.

Speaking of, they dropped off

a sure-to-be-insane
thank you gift.

My money's on
toenail clippings.

(Mouths word)
Oh. It's a wedding invitation.

Oh, thank goodness
I already decided

I'm never attending
another wedding.

What if Trav and I get married?

Jules will tell me all about it.

Why do they want us
at their wedding anyway?

I mean, I've only met 'em,
like, twice,

and both times, Bonnie tried
to eye-molest me.

- (Laughs)
- It's not funny.

She stared at my snack pack
like it was a magic eye poster.

Well, I think we should go.

Mnh. Sorry,
but they're getting married

on the day of
my roller hockey finals.

- I'm not going.
(Ellie) - Ah.

The classic
husband and wife standoff.

She wants one thing,
he wants another.

- What will they choose?
- Hmm?

Well, how do you and Andy decide
things like this?

Hmm. Let me think.

We compromise.

(Snorts and laughs)

Well, this is our last lap,
so please do your thing,

try not to eat it.

- (Whines)
- What is it, bud?

(Dog Travis barks)

I'm telling you, those are
Dog Travis' puppies.

Dad, you had Dog Travis fixed.

You made us bury his
little buddies in the backyard.

- (Chuckles)
- I just know they're up there now,

watching over all of us.

Must not have taken.

Luckily, I got some puppy fur,
and I know a guy with DNA kits.

The pup-ternity results are in.

Dog Trav...

is the father!

- Ohh!
- Yee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

- Ha, ha!
- Maury Povich dance!

(Both) Whoo! Whoo!

(Singing indistinctly)
(Singsongy) DT's a father!

DT's a father!

Yee-hee-hee-hoo!

Hey.
(Utensil clatters)

I found a way to get through
all those cookies.

Taste the Thin Mint julep.

Hmm.

Wow! That's terrible.

I know. I just wanted it to work
because I love the name so much.

Look, you have hockey games
all the time.

Bonnie and Jerry are only gonna
get married once.

- Probably.
- Well, then you go to the wedding,

and I'll go to my game.

Go to a wedding by myself?!

Oh, you're probably one of those
people that thought it was cool

to go stag to your prom.

Travis went stag to his prom.

Yeah, until I showed up.

And then
we danced the night away.

It was a masquerade theme.
He didn't know it was me.

I wonder why he's so weird.

You can't say no to people,

not even to people
you barely know.

- I know them.
- Really?

Okay,
what's Bonnie's last name?

What's Jerry's last name?

Uh, where are they from?

What's their phone number?

5-6-4... 2-1.

Look, you can't say "No"
to people,

but fortunately...

I can.

Seinfeld!
That's his last name!

His name is not Jerry Seinfeld.

Then how come it sounds
so familiar?

- (Chuckles)
- (Scoffs)

Hey, Tom? We ran out of wine.
Can we borrow some...

Holy shi--nia Twain.

What the hell is this?

It's my mini cul-de-sac.

Modeling's always been
a-a hobby.

Yeah, at first I just started
with one house,

but as it grew, I realized I was
in control of the whole world.

- (Chuckles)
- Like a God.

Uh, pretty cool, huh?

It's all exactly to scale.

What's Grayson's doing
laying facedown in the bathtub?

Oh, no. How did that happen?

It's me!

You gave me triceps.
(Chuckles)

I noticed you've been trying.

(Doll clatters)
Yeah. (Gasps)

- Oh. Mom will like the size of her boobs.
- Yeah.

And her hair color is perfect.

I used printer ink.

Mrs. Torres!
Okay, this is weird.

- This doll is physically colder
than the others. - Uh, yeah.

Whoa. Hold up.
Tom, is this supposed to be me?

I don't wear this much makeup.
This doll looks insane.

What are you talking about?

It looks just like you.
It's identical.

Seriously?!

Uh-oh.

Hey, Tom, I can't help
but notice that, uh,

Grayson is very tiny,

and you are extremely jacked.

That's, uh, forced perspective.
You-- you wouldn't understand.

Let's see what Bobby and Andy
are up to.

(Bobby) I can't wait to meet
my grandpuppies.

Welcome to the family, big guy.

I'm your in-law Bobby Cobb.

Excuse me?

The pups.
My dog is their pop.

How's this work? I name half,
and you name half?

'Cause I wanna call him Gizmo.

(Giggles) That tickles.
(Laughs)

Hey, is it too early
to talk holidays?

'Cause you can have Thanksgiving
but I need Christmas,

'cause I wanna put 'em all
in little tiny Santa hats.

Look, I don't know who the hell
you guys are,

but stay away from my dogs!

(Dog barking)

(Puppies whine)

(Man) Stay away!

Hi. Would you like to buy
some cookies?

Fine. I'll buy the whole bag.
(Chuckles)

- Here you go.
(Ellie) - Jellybean was right.

The word is spreading.

Oh, crap--
Bonnie and Jerry.

Act like you're sad we can't
make it to the wedding.

Hey, guys!

Hi! Oh!
(Chuckles)

Come here! Mmm!

- Oh!
- Nope.

Looks like we're having lunch.

(Jules) Actually,
we were just leaving.

- Gotta go. See ya.
- I'm sorry. Bye, guys.

(Exhales deeply)

Oh! We got your RSVP.

We are so happy you're coming
to the wedding.

Great.

(High-pitched whine)

We're registered
at Radio Shack.

(Chuckles)
That's funny.

I'm pretty sure I marked "No,"
sealed the envelope,

and put into the mailbox.

So unless somebody got it
out of the mailbox

and changed our reply...

Oh, my God.
Your abs are tighter today.

How do you do it?

(Chuckles) I added pilates
to my workout.

Oh, so smart.

Travis is right. This is insane.

That's funny.

My doll's shirt
is the same material

as my favorite dress
that I can't find.

(Laughs nervously)

That is funny.

I can't believe you're
making me miss my hockey game.

Oh, wait.
I just had a brain-flood.

(Chuckles) If you mean
"A really good idea,"

it's a brainstorm.

Why? Storms are dark
and confusing.

A flood is a huge rush.

Ellie?

(Tom, deep voice)
Change approved!

(Tom laughs)

Mm. Why don't we go to both?

The wedding's at 3:00.
The game's at 4:00.

We hit the wedding,
we show our faces,

and then we go to the game.

I promise you this will work.

Hey, Tom, how did you know that

one of my boobs is
slightly larger than the other?

That's it. I'm going to
check our room for cameras.

(Singsongy)
He won't find them.

What kind of man wants to keep
a bunch of adorable dog pups

away from their loving
human grandpappy?

I'd say a normal one.

Babe, back me up here.

No, I'm sorry. What?

It's just, I can't hear you

through all the layers of
clown makeup that I'm wearing.

And if you'll excuse me,
I'm due back at the circus.

You know, where clowns work.

- What was that about?
- Huh?

I accidentally said something
that hurt her feelings.

Travis, you should never

accidentally hurt
someone's feelings.

It should be done with intent
and purpose.

Those shorts accentuate
your baldness.

(Travis laughs) Good one.

I should really go after her.

Honey, your nastiness
just gave me a great idea.

Did you have a brain-flood?

What? Where'd that come from?

I have no idea.
But I approve.

All right.
You can help Bobby.

I'm out.

Come on! He needs a lawyer.

You're the most savage, ruthless
ballbuster I've ever met.

Go on.

You look smoking hot when you
wear your ass-kicking heels...

and you've been thinking about
going back to work.

This jackass won't even
let me visit

Dog Travis' bastard puppies.

I do love destroying jackasses.

How big a jackass is he?

He wears a puka shell necklace.

When do we start?

They're having their wedding
in Bobby's boat yard?

Well, Bobby owed Jerry 6 bucks,
and this is how they squared up.

I love it!

What do you think the theme is?

Mm, an AA meeting?
Craigslist?

STD clinic.

I was thinking more like

an afternoon
in a beachside paradise.

And then there's that guy.

I'm watching the clock, okay?
I gotta make my game.

I thought this through.
You have your jacket?

- Check.
- Good.

You're gonna leave it on
the back of your dinner chair.

And that way, people will think
we're up mingling all night.

Mnh. My dad left this jacket
to me when he died.

Do you want to go
to the game or not?

Great.

(Bird squawks)
Let's go photo bomb some pictures.

That guy's got a bird
on his head.

(Chuckles)

(High-pitched voice)
Trav, what happened?

(Normal voice) Well,
after the meteor hit,

I woke to find
I have a new power--

human flight!

Hey! Whoa! Hi.

- I was just--just, uh...
- Shh, shh, shh.

It's okay.
It's a safe place.

Just let your imagination
run free.

I do. (Inhales deeply) Believe me.

(Muffled voice) Hey, guys.

Wow. (Chuckles)

I would say that was insane

if I wasn't holding
a doll version of my own mother.

(Visor clacks)
Well...

since you obviously think

that I have
a ridiculous clown face,

I've decided to hide it
from you.

So you're welcome.

Well, now I need to make
a tiny little helmet.

(Visor clacks)

Laurie, I'm sorry.

(Visor clacks)
This is the new me, Travis.

You should just get used to it.

(Visor clacks)

Laurie!
(Door opens)

99 problems.

Let's see what Bobby and Ellie
are up to.

(Ellie)
You are in good hands.

I have never lost in this suit.

I call it "The Widow-Maker."

Game time.

Heels.

Damn!
You brought the heat, girl.

Let's go kick this guy's ass.

(Babbles)

Excuse me?

If your poop scooping schedule
will allow,

I'd like to have a word
about those pooches.

- Me? - No, the other guy with
the wagon full of puppies.

Are you aware

that chapter 61 of
Florida Family Law statutes

state that you must comply
with all parenting schedules?

Three days a week
and alternating holidays

- will be fine.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm also aware that
Florida Family Law

only applies to humans.

Honey, you're not as scary
as you think.

Buh-bye now.

What just happened?

Did we lose?

Oh, would you stop looking
at your watch?

Just relax and enjoy
the insane assortment of people.

Okay, fine. Hey, look--
Scott Baio.

(Laughs)
Hey, look over there.

There's the bad guy from
every black-and-white movie.

- (Laughs evilly)
- (Laughs evilly)

Oh, you think that's bad?

Check out "How many meatballs
can I fit into my mouth?" guy.

Oh, no. A-a different guy.

- Oh!
(Man) - Ladies and gentlemen,

please take your seats.
We're about to start.

Wow. I can't believe
we're starting on time.

- This actually might work.
- I told you I knew what I was doing.

Now the second they walk
down the aisle,

we're outta here!

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

Hey! What are you two doing
in the cheap seats?

Maid of honor and best man
need to be up front.

I'm sorry.
M-maid of what now?

- Hurry up! We're starting!
- Got the rings?

What?

I'm kidding!
I've got the rings. Come on!

Well, that's a small
little wrinkle in the plan.

I'm sorry.

I thought that "First mate" was
just a cutesy name for "Guest."

Why couldn't you just say "No"
in the first place?

So I'm making a viral video
out of this.

Act surprised when my friend
Fat Dave streaks the ceremony.

Mm, okay.

(Organ playing "Bridal Chorus"
from Wagner's "Lohengrin")

- Please don't be mad.
- I should've known better.

Seriously? Right now?

All right, um,
I'll take one box.

(Whispers) Peanut butter.
Pay you later.

It's incredible how much
this doll look likes me.

I'd sue you for using
my likeness,

but I'd probably lose.

Yeah, well, this Bobby doesn't
have any puppies either.

That guy wasn't afraid at all.

I've lost my edge.

No. You're still as terrifying
and vicious as ever.

Tom, show her your Ellie doll.

No, no. The other one.

Angry Ellie.

No, thank you.
I don't want to.

Tom, do it.

See, Ellie?

This is how tom envisions you
in his head--

as a giant, horrible dragon.

You do?

(Whispers) Oh, Tom...

(Stifles sob)

Now go find
that puppy-hoarding jackass

and let him taste the wrath
of the dragon lady.

Puka shell is goin' down.

Yeah!

Knock-knock. (Chuckles)

Okay, can you just take
that thing off so we can talk?

Look, I'm sorry that
I hurt your feelings.

I like that you wear
a lot of makeup.

I mean...

uh, you're like a...
like a beauty pageant queen.

Not one of those slutted out
"Toddlers & Tiara" freaks.

What are you talking about?

Aah!
Why can't I just say this?

You know, we never fought
about anything

before those stupid
yet skillfully crafted dolls.

You're right.

This is all because of Tom
and his freaky dolls.

You know what? I'm gonna put
an end to this right now.

Wait up!

Guess I won't be needing that.

You were wearing a groin cup?

Yeah, because I was gonna try
and skate right into the game.

Also 'cause Bonnie tried to grab
me there twice already today.

But who cares now anyway?

Because we're stuck at this
stupid crapfest of a wedding.

(Feedback whines)
(Amplified voice) All right,

so now it is time
for the toasts, everybody.

(Cheers and applause)

What?

Oh.
(Sighs)

(Amplified voice) Hi.

Marriage is supposed to be
about compromise.

But then you get steamrolled
by your people-pleasing wife

and you miss
your street hockey playoff game,

all to hang out with
a bunch of jackasses. Cheers.

(Thud)

How great is this guy?

(Amplified voice) Jules' turn!
Jules' turn! Ow!

(Feedback whines)
(Chuckles)

(Amplified voice)
Okay, um...

first off, congratulations
to you, Bonnie.

I saw that baby bump.

(Lowered voice)
What's she talking about?

Oh.

Oh. A-anyway, um...

Well, my wedding day--

well,
my second wedding day---

was the happiest day
of my life.

And I hope the same for you,
Bonnie and Jerry.

You know, sometimes you try
so hard to...

make everyone else
around you happy

that you overlook

the happiness of the person
that you love most.

And that's not okay.

So what I'm trying to say,
Bon and Jer,

is just always put
the other person first.

All right. Now it's time to
toss the garter! Line up, boys!

Hold on.
I got something to add.

(Sighs deeply)
I just wanna add that,

if you're the woman
that goes out of their way

to make everyone else happy--

and I'm obviously talking
about you here, Bonnie.

- Yeah.
- You do so because

you've got the biggest heart
of anyone I know.

And that is what makes you
irresistibly attractive to me.

Oh. (Chuckles)

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

(Mouths word)

Oh. (Chuckles)

(Clears throat)

(Voice breaks)
And I love you...

Bon and Jer.

You've never looked
more beautiful

than you look right now.

(Applause)

(Mics thud)

(Woman chuckles) Ooh!

(Chuckles)

Ooh. Dessert came early.

(Chuckles)

Hey, puka-face.

(Flatly) Oh, yay.

I'll admit, last time I brought
the weak sauce.

But then I remembered

why I became a lawyer
in the first place--

to see the look in the eye

of some cocky, d-bag jackass

the moment he realizes
that his testicles

are gonna be legally ripped

from his body and shoved up
his pompous ass.

You mean...

Here is your half
of the litter.

Wait. What?

I own 'em?

No, I just wanted to be able
to play with 'em.

I didn't want to own 'em.

Babe, you did it.

I knew you still had it.

Thank you
for always reminding me

what a ballbuster I am, Boo.

- A quick?
- Yeah.

(Both speak indistinctly)

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!

What am I supposed to do
with all these puppies?

(Puppies whine)

Hey. Hey! Stop humping!
That's your kin!

Oh, hey!

(Mutters)

No, no, no, no! No tinklin'!

Oh, you!

(Clicks lighter)
I'm gonna go left eye on this dollhouses.

(Tom, as Laurie) Oh, Trav,

y-you don't know
what it was like for me.

I grew up in
a dozen foster homes,

just another kid hauling
fertilizer and gasoline

across state lines.

I wanted a way to stand out
and keep my identity.

Doing my makeup different
than everybody else

is how I got that.

So it kinda felt like you were
making fun of who I am.

(As Travis) Aw, I-I think
you're always gorgeous.

Every once in a while, I wanna
see the plain and natural you.

(As Laurie)
Aw, you really mean that?

What, what?!

(As Travis) Yeah. Come here.

(Acoustic version of Nonono's
"Pumpin Blood" playing)

That's what I meant to say.

Hold that thought.

I guess maybe I can mix it up
every once in a while.

- You're beautiful.
- (Laughs)

(As Laurie) You know what else
would be beautiful?

Here, let me get this top off.

Absolutely not.

(Whistling melody)

I'm not sure that move is safe
for a pregnant woman.

Mnh.

You know, our wedding was
the best day of my life, too.

Even happier than when
someone thought you were gay

because you were in
such good shape?

(Chuckles)
That was a good day.

Still, I'd rather be here
with you at this crappy wedding

than at my stupid hockey game
anyway.

Ooh! You're so sweet. Mmm.

You're such a liar.

No, I'm not.

Really? Then why are you
wearing your skates?

(Grunts)

- Get outta here.
- Are you serious?

Go get 'em, champ!

- I'm gonna kick some ass! Whoo!
- (Laughs)

No, you're not.

(As Jules) Oh, Tom,
thanks for coming by.

(As himself) Oh, surprise,
no problem. Where's Grayson?

(As Grayson) Hey,
has anybody mentioned my name?

I got stung in the face
by a bunch of hornets.

It's all puffy.

I can't really hear anything
and I can't see anything.

Oh! I just tripped.

(As Jules) I have to deal
with him now.

You know, I feel such
a connection to you sometimes.

(As himself) Ha. Yeah, me, too.

(As Jules) No, I mean it.
Like a real connection.

(As himself) What?

(As Jules) Shh. Don't talk.

(As himself) What is that? It
looks like a giant mutant puppy.

(As Jules) Tom! Tom! Save me!

(As himself) Oh, no!

And his friend Destructo
is coming, too!

It's got Grayson!
It's got Grayson!