Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 2 - Like a Diamond - full transcript

It is so cold!

My fingers shrank, and now
my ring won't stay on.

Did you find out
why the heat's not working?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Do you remember
three months ago

when we split up
our household duties

and you wanted to be in charge
of paying the bills?

I have an awesome system.

I pay the bills the second
I see them in the mail.

And do you remember
two months ago,

when you got sad
about trees dying



and put all of our accounts
on paperless billing?

Duh!

No paper bills,
less tree murder.

Give it a sec.
She'll get it.

Oh, wait.

Paperless means our bills
won't come in the mail.

And if our bills don't come
in the mail, then...

Oh, crap!

Well, then what?
What happens?

It's a miracle I can even tie
my own shoes.

_

Okay, I forgot
to pay our bills.

Not a problem.

It's okay. I'll take care
of it right now.



I'll take care of it later.

Our phone got shut off?!
Jules, damn it!

That is so irresponsible.

I'm so sorry.
I know this is my screw-up.

I'm gonna fix it.

Do it soon.
I'm freezing.

The paper said the next two days
could hit record lows here.

There's a 10% chance of snow.

Snow?!

Awesome!

Man, we can all build snowmen
and write our mes in pee!

Not everyone can
write their name in pee.

Are you more upset about that
than screwing up our bills?

Of course not.

Who would even want to...

pee their name in the snow?

Did you know that some places
make you pay in person

- if your bill is late?
- Of course.

When I lived in New York,

I would just wait until
I got the third late notice.

And then I would go down
to the billing office

and rub up against the guy
at the desk.

I never had to pay.

All right. I got to go deal
with this stuff.

You. You ran out on your check
at breakfast.

You owe me 15 bucks.

No, I don't.

My boyfriend served me
breakfast in bed,

and then I served him
a little side of what-what?

Oh, no.
Did she have dark hair?

Ugh! I bet it was Missy,
my doppelganger.

She looks exactly like me,
except she never has any money.

- Tell her.
- Yeah, that's not happening.

I'm calling the cops.

Fine! Take it.

You have heard all
of my doppelganger stories!

Why didn't you back me up?!

Because you're so full of crap!

You think I am lying?!

Absolutely.
But it's no big deal.

I lie all the time.

You think that Andy
is Stan's father?

He is. I'm joking.

What?

Yeah, I'm trying to find out how
much I owe on my car insurance.

What does that mean, "Lapsed"?

Oh, stupid ring.

Oh. That's what that means.

Shoo! Whoo!

Check out my duds!

You look like the hero
of every '80s ski movie!

"The only way off this mountain

is down
the devil's chute."

What does "Best" mean?

I made one for you, too.

No! I love it!

You know, the weather report

said there was only
a 10% chance.

For snow!

I've always wanted to wake up
to a winter wonderland,

and it's finally gonna happen!

Here. I got this for you for our
first father-son snowball fight.

Aah!

All right.

I'm off to stock up
on canned goods!

Shoo!

You think he's a little
overly excited for something

that almost definitely
isn't happening?

I got snow in my ear!
It's so cold!

- Hey, babe.
- Hi.

- How's your day?
- Not bad.

And I really meant that.

Those weren't just words that
I'm saying that are not true.

Would you move on?

All I did was call you
a huge liar.

Oh, boy.

I do not lie!

Lying is for people
that hide things.

I hide nothing.

I learned that the hard way

when I dropped my napkin
under the table last week.

So, there's no fiction
or exaggeration

in your tales of world travel

or pseudo-celebrity
sexual encounters

or friends who give birth
on dance floors?

I had one friend who dropped
fetus on a dance floor.

No sane person could believe

the nonsense
that you say is true.

Well, I always believed her.

You don't count.
She lets you see her naked.

Knuckleheads?

Never thought she was lying.

Me, neither.

Well, I then I have bad news
for you-- you're all idiots.

And it will be up to me

to prove that our friend JB
is full of BS.

Do your worst.

My rap is bulletproof.

Not unlike
my foster brother, Zig,

who after a serious
lion-taming mishap,

had to be completely rebuilt
using a complicated...

Oh, boy.
Grayson's gonna freak!

Are you out of your mind?!

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
how attractive you are.

Would you mind if I asked you
that question without yelling?

Okay.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm so sorry.

This car's really expensive,
isn't it?

Well, it was until a couple
of minutes ago.

I have this insurance issue.

Why don't we forget
about this whole thing

and grab a cup of coffee,
take a deep breath,

and I can try to figure out

how someone as incredible
as you are isn't married.

Well, actually, I...

I'm Jules.

I'm Sam.
Shall we?

Sure.

Ellie!

I lost my insurance,
I rear-ended a guy,

and now I'm on a fake date
to try to get out of it

so Grayson doesn't kill me.
How do I flirt?

Bat your eyes, flip your hair,

laugh at everything he says,
and rock that cleavage.

Thanks, bye.

All right, bat...

Oh.

You didn't injure those
during the crash, did you?

Oh, no.
Uh, they're fine.

I was just double-checking,
you know.

"Honk-honk. Ah-roogah!"

They're good.

Well, that's a relief.

It's hard to find a replacement
horn from the 1930s.

So, um, you don't live here
in town?

No, I'm just here
on my way through Miami.

My venture capital firm
is investing in--

This is really boring.
Tell me about you.

Well, I like wine.

Okay.

Oh, and I also
sell real estate.

I like that
you started with wine.

I like a nice Chianti,
and not just because

that's what Hannibal Lecter
would drink

- when he ate people.
- Hannibal who?

Lecter, from the movie
"Silence Of The Lambs."

- There were silent lambs?
- Well, no. Not really.

They were more of a symbol.

So you own your own business?

How did that happen?

Oh, okay.
Well, a few years ago,

I was in a bad
mountain-climbing accident.

Oh, no.

Don't worry,
I didn't die or anything.

Oh.

But it was a really bad fall,

and it made me realize
that life is a gift

and we have to make the most
of every day.

So, I bought my own company,

I made an ungodly
amount of money,

and now I just spend
my whole life

just traveling
and enjoying myself.

Falling off that mountain

was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I fell off
this really tall chair once.

And when I hit the floor,

I found my missing hairbrush
right there under the couch.

Oh.

Your story's better.

Was it a good brush?

It was a great brush.

Then I'd call it a tie.

Ho. Lee. Majors.

I have spent the last few hours

mapping out every story
you've ever told.

Which has been great
for business.

So, if you don't mind, I'd like
to confirm a few details.

So, you were born
and conceived in a jacuzzi.

- Yeah.
- Your mom was a Whitesnake groupie,

and your dad was a politician
who knocked her up

and then left to be with
his own legitimate family.

- Yeah. - You've had five stepdads,
countless foster dads,

and you have been
medically dead... four times?

Beach, rave,
rodeo, kid rock show.

That's four.

You've been molested
by a dolphin...

- Ugh.
- Attacked by an animatronic bear,

ear ripped off by a falcon,

and Robin Williams
slept with your niece.

Remember, her foot got caught
in his arm hair.

They had to call the paramedics
to get her out.

You go to a psychic

whose hands were ripped off
by a chimp,

and you have a friend
with robot arms.

Aww! Amanda!

And another with robot legs.

Ugh. Nezzie.

Now that we are clear
on the insane details...

I am gonna find the hole
that sinks this ship of lies.

Someone's getting
an epic spanking!

Aah!

I got this from my bud Ron
at the Pizza Palace.

Can you believe I couldn't find
a snow shovel anywhere in town?

Yes.
Because this is Florida.

Where it never snows.

Until now.

Help me out.

Ow! Fine.

Bobby, you know I get excited
when you get excited,

but the news report
did say "10% chance."

Right.

For snow!

Yeah! Snow!

It's gonna snow, baby!

Ohh.
Sorry, I tried.

Did you? Dad, I feel like

you're only hearing
what you want to hear.

Look, I just don't want you
to be disappointed

when it doesn't snow.

Power of positive
thinking, Trav.

When I believe something's
gonna happen, it does.

Wine me.

My head is swimming
with Laurie Keller tales

of smut and lies.

Oh, how did your date go?

Amazing!

I laughed, I flipped my hair,

I gave him an eyeful
of big lefty and shortstack.

He didn't know what hit him.

What?

Oh, right.
I didn't tell you.

You see, I hit
this really expensive car

right after I found out that
our car insurance had lapsed.

- Lapsed?
- It means expired.

Read a book sometime.

My ring fell off,

and the driver of the car
asked me for coffee.

And then I got some
flirting tips from Ellie,

and then he said,
"Forget the whole thing."

Please don't be mad.

That is awesome!

So, I did good?

You did so good I'm a little
turned on right now.

Ooh.
Come here.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Ohh.

You don't have to stay
and watch.

I know.

Oh, okay.
Mmm.

How long's she been at this?

Hours.

She's on her eighth cup
of coffee

and hasn't left to pee.

She can stare till she's dead,

'cause all my deets check out.

Belize! Ho-ho!

You said that you went
on a cruise to Belize

and you broke up a fight
between rival drug gangs

by turning your body
into a human ice luge.

- And?
- You've never been to Belize.

Yeah, I have.

We went there
right after--

Okay. Well...

You know,
maybe it was Paraguay.

There it is,
the hole in this ship!

And with that one lie, that
calls everything into question.

Ruling?

Technically speaking,
I have to agree.

Sorry, Laurie.

Oh. Here comes my dad.

Hope he's not too crushed
it didn't snow last night.

- What's up, guys?
- You're okay!

I'm better than okay.
Man, I'm great!

So, you're not upset
that it didn't snow?

The news said it was gonna snow
today or tomorrow,

which means it's definitely
gonna snow tomorrow!

A 10% chance has now been
cut in half--

A 100% chance!

All right. I'm gonna go
fill this up with whiskey

in case Dog Travis has
to go make some rescues.

Or if he meets a cute bitch
and wants to get funky.

Hi, babe.

Why don't you grab us
some coffee?

Okay. You want, like, a regular
coffee, or like a frappu--

- Sounds great!
- All right!

- Hi.
- Hey.

I saw your picture on one
of your bus bench ads,

and I figured this is
probably where you work.

I've been sitting here
for about four hours.

You don't work very much,
do you?

Which ad was it?

Did it have mustache graffiti
or penis graffiti?

No, this one was penis
with a mustache on it.

- Oh, that's my favorite!
- Mine, too, oddly.

Hey, you remember what I said

about living life
to the fullest,

making the most of every day?

Yeah.

5, 6, 7, 8!

♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪

♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪

♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪

- ♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪
- I can't stop this feeling.

♪ I can't stop this feeling ♪

Deep inside of me.

♪ deep inside of me ♪

Jules, I don't think you
realize what you do to me.

♪ girl, you just don't realize
what you do to me ♪

♪ ooga ooga ♪

♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪

♪ when you hold me
in your arms so tight ♪

♪ you let me know,
everything's all right ♪

♪ I-I-I-I'm hooked
on a feeling ♪

♪ I'm high on believing ♪

♪ that you're in love with me ♪

You were supposed to ca--
He was supposed to catch that.

Oh!

Jules Cobb...

Yeah?

Will you marry me?

Okay!

She said yes!
We're getting married!

What'd I miss?

Dude! Epic flash mob!
Whoo!

Anybody else want some wine?

I think I'm good.

The champagne was really flowing
at your engagement.

I know!
Sam thought of everything.

Dude, lighten up! Okay?

Sorry I accidentally said
"Yes" to a wedding proposal.

The greatest proposal
of all time,

according
to the entire internet.

You know what? Sam is not just
handsome and charming.

He is crazy rich.

Ooh, well, too bad
you're crazy married.

Would you tell her
how nuts this is?

I can't help you there.

Just watching this
makes me ovulate.

Just the sight of that ring
incinerated my underwear.

What?

Oh, good.
You still have it on.

My hand felt naked,

and my real wedding ring
got lost in the car.

Well, did you look for it?

Oh, well, I'm going to.

All right, babe.

You know I get swept up
in exciting moments.

By the time I realized
what I had done,

I had a hundred people
in my face.

And I was too embarrassed
to own up to it.

I'm gonna have dinner
with Sam tonight

and I'm gonna tell him
the truth.

I just could not humiliate him
in front of a crowd.

Fine, tell him tonight.

And take that ring off
in our house!

I was just about to!

I wasn't.
This thing is gorgeous!

You are so lucky!

So beautiful!

I have a lot to do
before dinner.

You know, I haven't had a reason
to shave my legs in weeks!

You see, this story
sounds crazy,

but we have a video that
proves it's not a huge lie.

What? Why are you so upset?

I might have gotten a country
wrong, but I wasn't lying.

Ellie, I just hate that
it's so important to you

to destroy my credibility.

Oh, poor thing.

You know what she needs
is a hug from Sam.

He gave me a hug.
I popped a woodrow.

- Prepping for golf-cart jousting?
- No.

But that is an awesome idea
that we are totally gonna try!

When we get the pizza scoop
on the golf cart,

Bobby will be the only
snow plower in town!

Cha-ching!

Why are you doing this?

_

Okay, well, this is insane.

So I'm gonna set things straight.

I can't watch you
kill his dreams!

Dad, I hate to do this,

but I'd rather you accept it now
than be crushed tomorrow.

You're not gonna wake up
to snow.

It's not cold enough.

Yeah, maybe you're right.
I just wanted it so bad.

It's not even chilly.

Hey, thanks
for the tough love, son.

Now I just got to find a way
to break it to Dog Travis.

Hey, pal.

You know how you were
all excited and stuff

to see snow?

Do you have
any idea how hard this is?

You know, this may sound
strange for me to say,

but thanks for at least
doing this here at my bar

where I can see it.

Oh, honey.
I would be a crappy wife

if I didn't let my husband
come to my engagement dinner.

I promise as soon as I have
some privacy with Sam,

I'm gonna tell him.

There she is,
the future Mrs. Johnston.

That's you I'm talking about.

My last name is Johnston.

Oh, I like it.

Hey, should I go by JJ?

- No!
- Aah! God!

Absolutely not.

Oh, um, Sam, this is, um,
neighbor, friend Grayson.

Neighbor-friend Grayson.
Nice to meet you.

I'm in really good shape.

Okay, I'll, uh, try
to spread the word.

Sam, can I talk to you
for a second?

Yeah.

Um, listen.
I made a big mistake.

No, no, no.
I made a big mistake.

To ambush you in front
of a hundred of my friends...

and none of my family!

Mom, dad, grandma!

Get in here!
This is Jules!

Ohh, honey!

Oh, thank you.

How is it that no one
has snatched her up?

It's almost impossible
to believe.

Oh, good.

Did you come to tell everyone

that this isn't
my real hair color?

I think they already know.

Actually, I, um-- I brought you
a little something.

Missy!
You freeloading bitch!

You owe me 20 bucks!

Why don't you come and get it,
you over-bleached skank?!

I'm gonna rip off your face

and I'm gonna shove it
up your corn chute!

That'll be all, Missy.

Thank you.

Hey, Laurie.
Did you dye your hair?

Bite me, little eyes!

Okay, why did you
bring her here?

To prove a point.

I spent five hours today

looking for someone
I wasn't even sure existed.

But I kept looking
because I believe you.

It's tough for me to accept
all the things you say,

but deep down, I know that
you're an honest person.

Thank you, Ellie.

That really means a lot to me.

Check it.
Team Sam.

Who's with me?

Oh, this is
a complete disaster!

I just didn't want
to publicly humiliate him!

I know. But unless

you want to go ahead
and actually marry the guy--

- That would get me off the hook.
- No, listen.

The only way out of this
is to tell him.

I know.

But I just hate
to disappoint people,

and everyone here's
gonna hate me.

Okay.
I know I have to do it.

- Sam?
- Yeah.

I have something to tell you.

Oh!

Everyone, my fiancée has
an announcement to make!

No. No,
that's not what I meant.

Okay.

What the heck.

Um...
All right.

Sam, you are an amazing guy.

And you have an amazing family.

And that's why, uh, this
is so difficult for me.

All right! Stop!

I can't stand to hear
another second of this!

Jules...
I'm in love with you!

I've been in love with you
since the moment I saw you.

And I've just been too scared
to say it.

But now Sam here with his
live-for-the-moment spirit

has inspired me to do this.

Jules...

Don't marry him.
Marry me.

He's proposing without jugglers?

This is a total shock!

I had idea you felt this way,

and... I feel it, too!

So, yes, I will marry you!

Boo!
Wrong choice.

I'm so sorry, Sam.

It's just that I've been in love
with Grayson for years.

And I just never realized it
until this very moment.

I wish you'd realized it
yesterday

before I spent $200,000.

Two--

I mean, on the one hand,
I admire what Grayson's doing,

and on the other hand, crap!

Oh, Sam,
you're an incredible guy.

You're gonna find
someone amazing

who deserves you
more than I do.

A few minutes ago, I had it all.

And now I'm just
a lonely billionaire.

Hi, there.
I'm Missy.

You know, I feel as though
this could end in breakfast

for the two of us
if you're interested.

Remember when I said
I was lonely before?

Don't worry about it.

What the...?

It's on! It's on!

Snow!

- ♪ Wherever you are ♪
- You did this?

Well, somebody had to keep
Bobby's dream alive.

See, Trav? I told you
I'd wake up to snow!

Well, it didn't snow.
This is...

snow.
You were right, dad.

The power
of positive thinking--

Aah!

Eat powder, dude!

You gonna let her
get away with that?

- Hell no!
- No!

Get her! Get her!

♪ Wherever you are, be wherever
you are with me tonight ♪

Lambs aren't silent.

They go...

Grayson, Monica.