Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 1 - All or Nothing - full transcript

I loved our L.A. trip, too, dad.

Oh, yeah. Lotta fake boobs. (Chuckles)

That's why they call it "ta-ta land."

"La-la land"? Well, that
doesn't even make sense.

All right. Okay, I love you, too. Bye.

Oh, guys. (Beep)

Dad had such a good time.

Guys?

This is...

A little...

(Tom) Can't quite...



E-train, help us out here.

What are we feeling right now?

It's a complex range of emotions

that cannot be expressed by mere words.

I invented a sound to capture it.

Aw...

Blech!

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. That's perfect.

(Andy speaks indistinctly)
(Jules) Oh, grow up.

A young couple in a new relationship

is a beautiful thing.

Then why are you hiding
behind a wall of DVDs?

I'm not hiding. I bought these to watch.

Since when do you like movies?



Since L.A.

You know, ever since we
got back from Hollywood,

I think I've turned into a real movie slut.

I think you mean "movie buff."

No, no, she's right. The
expression is "movie slut."

(Whispers) Change approved.

So, Jules, what are some
of your favorite films?

Obviously the classics, like, um...

Hitchcock? Oh!

(Laughs) That's a dirty name.

Um, that's what the
scholars have noted about it.

Uh, also of interest... this.

Mm. Okay. Ooh, I think I
should do some, um, push-ups.

(Thud)

(Andy, Grayson, Tom, and Ellie) Aw.

- (Gags) Holy...
- Blech!

♪

I don't know what to make
of Trav and Laurie dating.

- I mean, it's really weird seeing them together.
- Mm-hmm.

But then again, after such a long buildup,

- I guess we gotta let 'em play it out for a while.
- Yeah.

Hey, Bobby. Got some more
mail at my house again.

- Ooh.
- When are you gonna get your own mailbox?

Well, I put out a cooler that
said "Bobby's mail" on it,

but as you probably guessed,

a bachelor raccoon took it over
for his personal hump shack.

A check for $14,000?

(Grayson) What?

(Panting) 14 grand? Oh.

Oh, uh, you guys all start at Jules' house,

and then you branch out
on different adventures,

and I'm tired of missing
out, so... new kicks.

I don't believe this.

When you and Andy sold Penny Can to Roger,

there was a clause in your contract

that gave you points
on all overseas revenue.

Wow! A clause!

That is interesting.

- Didn't understand a word?
- Not one.

Right on by.

Well, it appears that
Penny Can has gone global.

(Laughs) Well, that would
explain all this weird stuff

that's been happening.

(Man) Guten tag!

Dosen pfennig!

Dosen pfennig!

Hey, Ellie, I tried warm milk,

reading stories,

begging.

Stan still won't nap.

Ellie?

Hey, Ellie, where... Ay!

Aah! I always knew this day would come!

Right? 'Cause it sucks to be scared.

That's why Stan won't sleep.

'Cause his bar-soap-for-brains father

let him watch "Nightmare
on Elm Street," you dummy.

I thought he was mature
enough to handle it.

- He's already got a respectable Latin mustache.
- No, he doesn't.

Stan the man, rockin' the fuzz!

(Click, clatters)

Good shot.

I've tried everything,

but Stan is still
terrified of Freddy Krueger.

(Stan) Aah!

I mean, Eddy-fray Ueger-kray.

- (Stan) Aah!
- Wow. Smart kid.

What are we gonna do?

You broke it, you fix it.

- Here you go, ladies.
- Thank you.

Thank you. But I'm still annoyed at you

for leaving the shower
running again this morning.

He's trying to make a home steam room

because his gym membership got revoked.

Too much nude flexing in the locker room?

It's not my fault they
can't handle "the truth."

He got caught taking selfies.

You'll be happy when you see
our new coffee-table book.

Sounds like you've got a full plate

with your creepy vain husband

and all the work you're
doing to pretend you're cool

with Trav and Laurie's recent operation

to have their lips sewn together.

Trav and Laurie... yes, it was
tough for me at the beginning.

But, you know, the
initial shock has worn off.

I'm cool with it.

Cool as ice.

You know, um, a high
five is one of your tells

that you're not cool,

along with the inability to control

the volume of your voice.

Please. I'm not that bad.

(Laughs) Hi! Hey, guys.

- (Loudly) Hey, lovebirds!
- Said the loudest woman on earth.

Let's turn it down. You're not a stereo.

Oh! My foster brother
Technotron was part stereo.

He was born during an electrical storm

that gave him extraordinary
beatbox abilities.

He claimed that by turning his nurps

you could adjust his treble and bass.

That's literally the most absurd
thing that I've ever heard.

- Luckily, you are so cute.
- Mmm!

Uh, scissors for hands?

(Laughs) Good luck with that, Edward.

Oh, movie slut.

- We're gonna grab a table.
- Yeah.

(Loudly) Have fun!

(Whispers indistinctly)

Okay, fine. The shock hasn't worn off.

But... I'm all right.

So the plan is, you're gonna
get through their relationship

as a high-fiving, loud-talking weirdo?

What could go wrong?

I assume nothing.

(Panting)

Whoa, Trav! Get some.

Ow. (Clatters)

Lou Diamond Phillips is the
face of domestic Penny Can,

but I insisted you be on
every can sold internationally.

But still,

I never expected this. (Taps key)

(Animal chittering)

Yeah!

(Bell tolling)

Ha! Hey!

(Laughing)

Hey, everyone, next round's on me!

- (Cheering) Sweet!
- Hey, I'll take a, um...

- (Squeak, thud)
- (Man) Whoa!

Beer.

This feels weird, handing
money over for beer.

Don't think I've ever done that before.

(Chuckles) You know, it's
funny you should bring that up.

Bobby, I wanna show you something.

You see, last week,

your bar tab spilled over
into a second notebook

because your first notebook
was completely full.

I finished a book?

So many slashes!

Each one of them representing

the thousands of drinks I've
given you over the years.

And now you suddenly have all this money.

(Laughs) I sure do!

Okay. You know what?

Why don't you just take this with you?

Thumb through all those pages of slashes,

and see if anything sparks to you.

Oh, thanks, G-man. This is like
a book of treasured memories.

I love it.

He's not gonna make the connection, is he?

(Mouths word)

- (Shower running)
- (Scoffs) Again?

Damn it, truth!

Oh, boy.

(Suspenseful music playing)

- Jules!
- Mom!

- Aah!
- (Laurie) Oh, my God!

Oh!

(Thud) Ee! Aah! Ow!

So much skin.

A pale and tan swirl.

Jules. (Shivers)

Honey, are you okay?

Mm.

Oh.

Let me see. Got herself a broken, um...

Hmm. Okay, I... I'll be honest.

I... I pretty much partied my
ass off in med school, so...

- I doubt that.
- No.

Why would you do that in my shower?

I'm so sorry. I didn't plan this.

Okay? We were just meeting
up to go get dinner.

I got here early, decided to rinse off,

and Laurie came in and
said, "where are you?"

I said, "in here," which was not
meant as an invite to join me.

Although when she misread
it and did just that,

I'll admit to not complaining.

You know what's so amazing?

That this is the first
time one of us has walked in

on jellybean getting jelly rolled.

This isn't funny.

I'm gonna have to strongly disagree.

There was nothing for you to
grab onto as you were falling?

Well, she reached out
and grabbed onto my honks,

but they were just so sudsy

from Trav washing them for 20 minutes.

They were very dirty.

I slipped right off the honks.

I mean, it was all I could do
to make my last, desperate grab

for something to hold me up.

The towel bar?

- (Mug clatters)
- No.

(Whines and cries)

(Laughs) Ohh.

Okay, mom, I'm sorry. All right?

You are never gonna
have to see me and Laurie

anywhere close to each other ever again.

Totally. We're gonna put a
ton of distance between us.

Like, Ellie and Andy distance.

(Mouths words) Oh, honey.

(Whispers) I'm sorry.

- Nope!
- Oh.

On campus, they called me
"Dr. Drinkenstein." (Groans)

They did not, Dr. Nerd.

- (Grayson) Nerdsville.
- (Ellie) Nerd!

What the hell is this?

It's my brand-new used hot tub.

Grab a fro-yo and hop in.

Aw!

Dang it, man. That's the third time today.

That's it. I can't hold
my tongue any longer.

What, you burn it on a pizza?

No. Bobby, look, I'm
talking about your bar tab.

And the fact that you're
constantly just leaning over

and helping yourself to whatever you want.

So what? Jules does that all the time.

She's married to me.

And I was married to her.

Bobby, a long time ago, I accepted the fact

that you would never be
able to pay your bar tab.

- Well, because I believed...
- Boîte à sous!

(Bobby and Grayson) Boîte à sous!

That you would never have any money.

But now you have all this money,

and you're just throwing it around like...

Party confetti!

(Laughs) I got five
bags! Yeah, help yourself.

Bobby, how would you like it
if I came over here all the time

and just helped myself to all your beer?

I'd love it.

Mi casa, su casa, buddy.

Here you go. (Grunts)

Bobby logic.

- Stan. Bedtime.
- No!

I don't wanna go to bed.

(Yawns) I am so sleepy.

(Yawns loudly) I know, right?

So sleepy.

(Groans)

Good strategy.

What strategy?

Oh, I... I thought you
were trying to help me out.

Yeah, that's not really my style.

Good night. Good night, sweet boy.

Come on, buddy.

It's late. Let's go.

No. Freddy Krueger's gonna get me.

Stan, you have to stop this.

There's no creepy scary
man lurking outside.

(Suspenseful music playing) Hey,
I brought back your kitchen knife.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Aah!

This was a bad way to
return it. I see that now.

I can't believe I overreacted
like that to Trav and Laurie.

I don't think it's possible to overreact

to accidentally grabbing
your son's erect penis.

I acted like such a lunatic.

I mean, how can they ever feel
comfortable around me again?

How long before they stop coming over

for morning coffee or Sunday dinner?

Or just stop coming around altogether?

- Oh.
- Ooh. Could that really happen?

I have to fix this. I
have to show them that

I can be completely comfortable
with their relationship,

even the...

Naked-sexy-touchy-grabby?

Yes.

Wait. Is it me or could
that be a great dance song?

♪ Naked sexy ♪

♪ touchy grabby ♪

♪ naked sexy touchy grabby ♪

♪ naked sexy touchy grabby ♪

(Jules and Grayson)
♪ naked sexy touchy grabby ♪

♪ naked sexy touchy grabby ♪

♪ keep your ass moving right out the door ♪
♪ naked sexy touchy grabby ♪

♪ naked sexy touchy grabby ♪

♪ naked sexy... ♪

Stan was up again all night.

I can't convince him that
Freddy Krueger isn't real.

Ooh, that's a tough one.

That Freddy K. is a scary son of a bitch.

I tried telling him that
superman is also real

and on the hunt for Freddy Krueger,

but he didn't buy that.

That's a good idea, though, you know.

We just need Stan to
think Freddy K. is dead.

Ooh. What if I bought
a Freddy Krueger mask...

Yi fen qián!

(Andy and Bobby) Yi fen qián!

All right, I put it on,

and I let you violently murder me

in front of your young child?

This may be the severe
lack of sleep talking,

but that is the best idea I've ever heard!

- You're so amazing!
- (Laughs)

Wait till you check out
the new wheels I bought you.

They're by the boatyard. Come on.

Ooh! Yi!

Whoa, ho ho! Beeramid!

Bobby Cobb!

See, I realize that you're a visual guy,

so I needed a visual aid.

I get the feeling you're
trying to make a point,

and yet all I wanna do is

bust through that thing like kool-aid man!

No. No, no, no! No, no! Oh! No, no, no, no.

No, don't you dare, buddy. Okay?

This took me six hours to stack this.

- This represents...
- (Engine starts)

All the beer you have taken from my bar.

(Andy) Oh, no! Where are the brakes?!

Ohh! Whoa!

- (Deep voice) Oh, yeah!
- (Cans clattering)

That's what the kool-aid guy says.

(High-pitched voice) Shotgun!

Your relationship was like
jumping in the ocean for me.

But now the water's
fine, and I'm used to it.

Mm.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on. Lovers should be close.

Yeah, super close. Mm.

I think a couple that
showers together is hot.

I gave Grayson the old lather,
rinse, repeat this morning.

Mnh. What's happening?

Yeah, Jules, you're
kind of freaking us out.

Oh!

Jules told me she was gonna
show you two how cool she is,

- so I ran here as fast as I could.
- (Door opens and closes)

- I may have texted him.
- (Door opens)

(Door closes)

- That one's not on me.
- Okay, I don't know exactly what's going on,

but this feels a little ambushy...

and I'm not talking about the nickname

that my friend Amber named her lady-poof.

Relax, Laurie. I'm not
trying... Oh! Ambushy.

I get it. (Laughs) That's cute.

Look, I just wanted you to come over

'cause I wanted to show
you that I could be cool

with you guys being yourselves.

What happened to the woman who freaked out

and crashed into the shower?

That was so yesterday.
I mean, I'm cool now.

We're all adults here. We
could... we could talk about sex.

Sex things we like to do

or sex things we like done to us.

- Am I right?
- (Laughs) Not remotely.

This seems healthy and fun.

I will get the ball rolling.

I like to be the dominant one.

I like to watch myself in the mirror.

There's an inuit position
called the bear claw.

I like to get my hair pulled. Hard.

- I think I'm ready to die.
- Even I'm uncomfortable.

I once had sex in a cemetery.

I had "Frida Rogers,
loving wife and mother"

imprinted on my back for, like, two weeks.

Never stop being you, jellybean.

Come here, you!

Ooh. Gosh. Yeah. Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

- I mean...
- (Kisses)

Yeah. See? There's nothing wrong
with a little tongue wrestling.

(Whispers) Dude, how hot is this?

- Okay. I gotta go. (Sighs)
- Wait. Where you going?

We're having fun!

No, this is actually the
exact opposite of fun.

Yep. Too weird.

(Whispers) I don't know.

- Oh, honey, it's okay.
- (Door opens)

- Dude, that was just for show.
- (Door closes)

That's not cool.

Big tippi will fix this.

Look, look, look, look.

I'll pour until you tell me to stop.

Say when.

(Mouths word)

Well, I should've seen that coming.

Ellie, I just blew it.

Mm.

I don't wanna be the insane mom

whose son refuses to come
visit with his girlfriend.

I can't wait to be that mom.

You know what really sucks?

Laurie and Travis could
make each other happy.

Well, then there's only one thing to do.

You're right.

You don't know what that is, do you?

I do not.

You have to meet this
thing head-on. Talk it out.

You can't shy away from issues
with people that you love.

Remember when Andy
started wearing tank tops?

Did I ignore it?

No. You confronted him...

at the Q&A of his first speech as mayor.

- Mm-hmm.
- Ellie, there were reporters there.

I raised my hand. His fault
for giving me the floor.

You know what? You're
right. Thank you, Ellie.

I'm likin' where this is goin'.

I will come out and kill you!

Hey.

Ahh. I'm real sorry
about your pyramid, G-man.

I know you worked real hard on it.

And even though I still don't get

why I can't treat your casa like my casa...

even though my casis su casa...

I decided to stop taking you beer.

So...

brought my own.

That beer's from my pyramid.

Shoot.

(Sighs)

Here.

I thought you were mad at me.

You spit in this?

I'm not mad at you, Bobby, okay?

The reason I let you
take all that beer from me

for all those years

was because I knew you
didn't have the money.

I guess I was just looking for a sign

that you realized that and appreciated it.

That's all.

(Sniffles)

Thanks again for doing this.

Oh, anything for kids.

What is happening?

I am going to savagely
murder Freddy Krueger

in front of Stan.

(Muffled voice) The
sausages are intestines.

So... much... stupid.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

So you really have to move?

Florida is so expensive.

Plus, I've had trouble finding work.

Well, we hope it all works
out for you in faraway Canada.

I'm really gonna miss Gulfhaven...

The sunshine, the people.

Yeah, so friendly.

Really milking the moment here.

Right. Uh, well...

Thank you for the coffee.

Adieu.

Do you really have to leave, Mr. Krueger?

Aw!

No, Mr. Krueger was my father.

You can call me Freddy.

Good-bye, Freddy.

Hey, kid. Catch!

- Aah!
- (Suspenseful music plays)

(Andy) Ow! Ow!

So much stupid!

- What is all this?
- I get it now.

You know, you been
hooking me up all this time

because you're such a great guy,

and I've been doing such a
crap job of letting you know.

So to apologize,

I present to you...

my prized used hot tub.

Bobby, I can't accept this.

You you don't want my used hot tub?

Why do you keep mentioning the "used" part?

Look, I appreciate you
always having my back.

And I don't think I've ever
told you this, but... (Sighs)

I love you like a brother, G-man.

Man, I've never really had
that many close guy friends.

I assume it's 'cause most
guys are intimidated by my abs.

Yeah, well, most dudes can't handle

the... (Makes whoosh sound) truth.

But I love you like a brother, too, man.

And a gesture like this coming from you

means a whole heck of
a lot more than money.

Well, I'm still gonna
pay off my tab. All right?

Every last cent. I insist.

And I refuse.

I'm relieved. That money's gone.

You know, I think I may have
a money management issue.

You know, it's a shame that
I rolled this used hot tub

all the way over here,
and we may not even use it.

I don't recall saying that.

Hoo-hoo! Whoa! Uhh!

- (Whispers) Ah-cha-cha!
- Yeah.

Here you go.

You know, how'd you get
this thing in here, anyway?

Never you mind, buddy.

Never you mind.

You severely damaged part
of the house, didn't you?

- Jules is gonna be furious.
- Mm-hmm.

♪

Whoo! That's good. That is good.

Hot beer... there's nothin' like it.

Okay, the three of us have to... whoa!

(Travis) Seriously?!

(Laurie) Come on, Jules!

Uh, I'm sorry. Uh, this... this was my bad.

Well, let's just pretend
that didn't happen.

Travis, you really are an attentive lover.

- Ah! (Gasps)
- I'm sorry! I don't know what to say!

Nothing is a good option.

(Exhales deeply)

He really is super attentive.
And also, such a hard worker.

Oh. (Laughs) I'm sorry!

I don't know what to say
either! This is just so weird.

It is weird, and it's probably
gonna be weird for a long time.

But I love you both so much.

And I support this relationship,

even if that means occasionally
swinging the door open

and seeing you two... (Inhales deeply)

So what are we supposed to do?

Well... we'll just deal with it.

We talk about it and we power through.

The only other option is to
pull away from each other,

and I refuse to let that happen.

I could never pull away from you, Jules.

I know if I tried, you'd hunt
me down like the Terminator.

(Imitates Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Where is Travis Cobb?

Oh, sweetie, are you getting a cold?

(Sighs) Such a bad movie slut.

I guess this is just gonna
take some time getting used to.

And I'm willing to put in the time,

'cause you guys are so happy together.

I really think this
relationship could be special.

♪

Wait. Do you mean this relationship

or this relationship?

It's the same thing.

We're all in a relationship together.

- Mnh, don't say that. We're not.
- But we totally are!

We're all in love with each other.

Mm. Weird, Jules.

It's getting weird.

Ohh! (Laughs)

Can I get back in, please?

(All) No!

You're being punished for groping.

I didn't know it was your leg.

Which begs the question,
whose leg did you think it was?

(Bobby laughs)

Uh, bubbles stopped again.

Aw, man. The pump must
be clogged with sprinkles.

No bubbles? Well, now we're
just all taking a bath together.

Ohh. But it's a bath

with... wine.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.

- Yeah. Cheers.
- Cheers.