Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 15 - Have Love Will Travel - full transcript

The gang takes Chick to Hollywood after learning of his health issues; Laurie and Travis try to set up the perfect first kiss.

I made it!

I-I could only get a flight
to Denver, so I...

rented a car.

I drove 14 hours straight,
peed in a cup, but I'm here.

- LA!
- Tom wasn't here?

Uh, let me get a round
for everyone.

- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Yeah! Tommy!

_

Should we go see the real sign?

It's a mile that way,
but the cop said

in normal LA traffic
it's like three hours.



Maybe we should just go see
the "Labia" Tar Pits.

- What?
- Nothing.

Always say it like that.

Hey, can a girl get a dollar
for a lipstick?

I don't think a dollar's
gonna do it.

Here. Here's a $20.
Oh.

Thank you, sweetie.

I have that dress.
This place makes me sad.

I found her!
I found Tippi!

Hey, why do all these stars
have names on them?

Oh, my God!

Is this a graveyard?

Are there a lot of actors buried
underneath the sidewalk?

Oh!
They're everywhere!



Honey,
this is the Walk Of Fame.

Wow! Tippi Hedren.

She was my dream girl.

We were thinking of heading
over to the "Labia" Tar Pits.

And if you like,

we can have Jules ask someone
for directions.

I'd like to see that.

Looks like somebody's
having fun.

Yeah! Robot man!

I wonder if he paints
his junk, too.

- No, these guys don't,
but Blue Man Group does. - Oh.

Don't ask.
All right, let's go.

You're hot.

She's with me, tin man.

Ohh, still haven't kissed,

and now I got to battle a robot
for your affection.

Which... by the way, has been
a longtime fantasy of mine.

Wrote a graphic novel about it.

I know you're dying to tell me
the name, but please don't.

Look, don't sweat
the first-kiss thing.

I slipped the front desk a $20

so we could have
adjoining rooms-- what, what?

"The Misadventures
Of Tommy Saturn."

Oh, shut up!

Alone...

at last.

No, I am still mad.

La Brea Tar Pits-- it's very
close to what I was saying.

I'm gonna make it up to you.

Get off my daughter.

Oh, good.
Your dad's here.

- I gave him a key.
- Awesome.

Hollywood didn't turn out to be
quite what I thought.

Grayson actually lived here when
he was trying to be an actor.

Yeah?

What was it like being
a handsome, young buck

in Tinseltown?

- Mnh-mnh.
- No. He's not gonna talk about it.

But we're pretty sure
he did stuff for money.

This city takes things from you
that you can never get back.

I always had this fantasy
that I'd come to LA.

I'd be sitting in a bar,

listening to some great band
play a romantic song,

drinking champagne.

Then, Tippi Hedren walks in.

And, damn, if she didn't come
right over and say...

"Have you got an extra glass
for me?"

So, I say,
"For you... always."

And then, we end up
dancing the night away.

Pretty silly, huh?

No, dad.
I love it.

Oh, yeah.

It's show time, girls.

Hey, Tommy Saturn.

I have exciting news.

Hey.

Riggs didn't come, so I didn't
bother to get my own room.

Holy banjo!
Check out Boob Mountain.

Are those for my boy?

Well, this could
not be any worse.

Give it a sec.

Holy moley,
check out Boob Mountain!

Ohh.

- Hey, Boo.
- Mm?

Will you go get me some pain
killers from the concierge?

Why? What's wrong?

Nothing.
We're on vacation.

And I need wine, too.

Ah, no problem, baby.
We're in LA.

My people run this city.

I'll just use
the Latino connection.

That is so not a thing.

It's a thing.

Yes, of course.

Javier.
Que pasa, brother?

My wife needs a prescription
for something.

Can you help me out?

I cannot, sir.

Huh?

The Latino connection.

It's not a thing.

Oh, come on!

_

_

- What?
- Can't help you.

Sweetie, to be fair,
you don't really read Latino.

Come on!

All right, guys...
if you all didn't know me,

and you saw me walking down the
street, what would you think I was?

A Super Mario brother.

- Lands' end model.
- A bisexual bowler.

- A bald guy.
- No! Latino!

- No.
- No.

Well, that's a dumb game.

Anyway,
now that we're all here,

I want to talk about
what we're gonna do today.

Well, we're not swimming
in the ocean,

unless you like ice-cold water
that smells like a porta-potty.

The water in the Bahamas
is like a bathtub.

I was just there.

- Dude! - Shut up, Tom!
- I'm tired of you!

Well, maybe we could all
go get new head shots done

and drop them off at a talent agency.

As a goof, I mean.

My dad was really sad
last night,

so I was thinking we would
go find Tippi Hedren for him.

Aww, that's so sweet.

That's a good idea.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant right now.

- Oh.
- Yes.

- Anytime.
- Here we come.

Why did that waiter give me
a weird look?

Perhaps because he's gay and you
ordered an "LGBT" sandwich?

Yeah-- "lettuce,
guacamole, bacon, tomato."

I think
it's the state sandwich.

They have signs for it
all over West Hollywood.

All right,
Grayson and Laurie checked

with all the talent agencies,

and no one would tell them
how to find Tippi Hedren

or Christina Aguilera.

What?

Laurie has a score
to settle with her

over a bitch-slapping
incident

that happened
at Mouseketeer Tryouts.

Trav and Laurie,
you hang with my dad.

Make sure he doesn't get down
in the dumps.

I'm gonna go find Grayson,
and we're gonna look for Tippi.

On it, J-Bird,
and I have a genius idea

on how to find this actress.

Welcome
to Hollywood star tours.

You are an idiot.

Hola, amigo. Que pasa?

Please.

Don't even pretend you see me
as a Latino man.

Let's face it, Bobby.

You've never once prejudged me
based on my ethnicity.

My bad.
I'll try harder.

Our tour of the stars' homes
will begin in a second,

but right now, our bus is
blocked by that nice meth head

hassling German tourists
for money.

Leave them alone, Carol!
Nein!

This whole bus is a freak show.

Are you the lady from--

No, that's my sister.

Bababooey.

How come I don't feel
like more of a third wheel?

I heard you two kids
are trying to give it a go.

It's just really hard

to go from being regular friends
to being...

...friends.

Look, if it's meant to be, fate
will step in and make it happen.

A psychic once told my foster
dad that she'd tell him his fate

if he gave her
his credit-card info.

We had to move in
to our station wagon.

Yeah. I don't think I really
believe in fate, either.

Trust me.

Fate is real.

I met your grandmother
50 years ago on a train.

We talked for hours--
till I fell asleep.

When I woke up, she was gone.

I didn't even know her name.

One year later, I'm in a diner
in the middle of nowhere

when she came in
to get out of the rain.

I'll never forget the way
she looked at me.

That was it.

That was fate.

Good God, I can land a moment.

My great-aunt said that Tippi's
doing a Channing Tatum movie

on stage six.

Oh, was your great-aunt
in the business or something?

- Uh, no, she's a stalker.
- Oh.

- Ooh, cool.
- Yeah.

Had Wesley Snipes over
for Thanksgiving once.

I don't think
he wanted to be there.

I can't believe
I'm finally on a movie lot.

You know,
I was an amazing actor.

Really had something, but no one
would give me a chance.

Okay. This is
who we're looking for.

Probably won't have the bird.

All right. Let's do this.

May I help you?

I'm here for my thing.

Are you the breast double
for the servant girl?

Sure. Why not?

All right.

Uh, sorry, guys.

Uh...

Well, Tippi wasn't there,
but my naked breasts

just did a scene
with Mr. Ben Kingsley.

When is it gonna be my time?

This town's a bitch, bro.

And, if you look to
your left, you'll see the house

where OJ Simpson
may have killed his wife.

Oh, come on!
He did it. He did it.

- Yes.
- Yeah. 100%.

The man was tried
by a jury of his peers.

Good point.
Good point.

And for all you Hitchcock fans,

here we are
at Tippi Hedren's house.

- Suck it, Ellie!
- Stop it.

Hedren lived here from 1971
until the fall of 1971.

Un-suck it, Ellie.

What the hell? We need to know
where she lives now!

Somebody get this little
Greek guy out of my face.

No, no, no!
Come on!

- I am not a Greek. I am not a Greek.
I'm a Latino, amigo! - Tranquilo, amigo...

You don't really think
he's innocent, do you?

- Ooh!
- Ooh.

Is it weird to thank you
for liking me?

Yes.

Well.

Coming through!

Whoa!

Ridiculous.

Every time we try to kiss,
something happens.

I know!
This should be easier, right?

Do you ever think that...

maybe if fate can bring
two people together--

fate... could also tell two people

they're better as friends?

I mean, it's-- it's crossed
my mind, yeah, but...

do you think that's us?

No. I don't.

- Oh, my God!
- Whoa!

Water!

Stop, drop, and roll!

It sucks
that we didn't find Tippi.

I know what might cheer you up.

Is it you, naked,
flopping around on top of me?

No.
We can do sideways.

Oh, good, she has a key, too.

Everybody has keys.
It's your life now.

Sweetie...

we tried, okay?

We can do something else
with your dad.

We could go explore
LA's fascinating culture?

Do you think
I want to spend my vacation

in this smog-hole
looking for some actress?

If it was up to me,
we'd be on the beach

with a fire and drinking wine.

Oh, my God.
I could use some wine.

Are you all right, sweetie?

No.
This is all so hard.

But I have to pretend
that I'm fine

because that's what dad wants.

You know, this morning,
he made some joke

about how he's
already forgetting things.

I think it was just an excuse
to go downstairs

and get coffee
without his pants on.

Well, I laughed.

It's funny.

I don't want to laugh.
I want to hug him.

And I want to cry,

and I want to tell him
I love him.

And I want to make Tippi Hedren
dance with him.

I just want to give him a memory
that is so great

that he will never forget it.

You know what the problem is

with drinking
when you're really sad?

No.

Me, neither.
Let's order another bottle.

All right.

You need to slap your ass
out of it

because we can find
Tippi Hedren.

We're all in.

The Cul-De-Sac crew
does not give up.

Except for that time we tried to
get through a DVD of "The Wire."

I mean, who the hell puts
80 characters on a show?

I don't want to have to take
notes when I'm watching TV,

damn it!

He gets really angry
about "The Wire."

Oh.

Morally ambiguous, my butt.

Okay. Enough, all right?
Here's the plan.

All right,
Chick wants a romantic song.

Trav and Tom, go find a band.

Why-- why wouldn't Laurie
go with Trav?

They broke up.
Something about fate.

We can fix that.

Right now, we are not talking
about Trav and Laurie.

Who the hell cares
about Baltimore?

Yeah, or "The Wire," okay?

Right now, we are just focusing
on Chick and Tippi.

I think I ordered that
at an Indian restaurant.

"Chick and Tippi."

Okay, well, how are we
supposed to find Tippi Hedren?

There's one man who said

he could find anything
in the City of Angels.

Sir, may I help you?

Nope.

I couldn't do it.

It's not gonna help me anyway.

I don't blame him.

I'm first-generation Cuban,
and I don't speak Spanish.

How is that possible?

I can't even roll my R's.
Listen.

I haven't even told Stan
anything about where I'm from.

Stan the bartender?

We have a son named Stan.

Oh, sure, sure.

Look, when you get home, if you
want to embrace your heritage,

I totally get it.

I mean, it's really why

I have to go home for the summer
to The Hamptons

so I can embrace
my wealthy white upbringing.

It grounds me.

Right now, I need you to
remember that little Cuban boy

whose mom sent him to school
with a whole fried fish

and a cigar for dessert.

Now go make that damn concierge
cough up the info.

I believe in you, Boo.

Okay.

Javier.

I need to find Tippi Hedren,
and you're gonna help me.

You want to know why?

Because when Andy Torres
has to come through

for a friend,
nothing stops him,

especially not a smarmy,
little errand boy like you.

You have the fire.

I will help.

I will use
the Latino connection.

I knew that was a thing.

It is a thing.
It's a thing.

"I know Tippi.

And you're 10 minutes late
to cut my grass."

Tenemos Tippi.

It means "we have her."

She's got a guard?

How are we gonna get past him?

I know. I can solve this
with my acting.

Oh, good God.

Tip of the tongue,
top of the teeth.

Tip of the tongue,
top of the teeth.

Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.

Okay, look, I can be, like, um,
an Italian guy from Brooklyn,

and I'm-- I'm here to check
the gas meter.

Oh!
How you doin'?

Come on.
What am I, a jerk?

I'm here to check the gas meter.
I'm Joe Braesole.

Like, come on. Oh!

You're horrible.

You talking to me?

Pizza brain.
Oh! Come on.

And who are you to judge?

Listen, when the guy chases me,
you guys go to the door.

Hey.

I'm stealing...

"Tabby Hedren."

That's adorable.

Hey, you! Stop!

Come on, bada-bing.

Hey, broads, oh! Come on!

Oh, crap.
Where am I?

Jules!

Hey. You need a ride?

Oh, man.

Dad, you know I love you,
right?

Well, of course I do,
June-bug.

I wanted this to be
the best trip of your life.

I'm sorry
if it didn't turn out that way.

Oh, don't be crazy.

You know I'm happy
to be anywhere with you.

Let's drink to that.

No.
This isn't for me.

Is there an extra glass for me?

If you aren't going to talk,
this isn't going to work.

Now, I know there's
a smooth guy in there.

Let him out.

For you, darling, always.

Where's Travis
and that damn band?

I mean, maybe Laurie and I
are better as just friends.

I don't know.

Look, if it's still fate
or no fate,

I can't stop feeling like we--
we belong together, you know?

Hey, don't freak out,

but I'm pretty sure that's Bud
from "Married With Children."

My fault for sharing.

Look, we still need to find
a band for grandpa, so--

What about this guy?

Uh, we're looking
for something a little romantic.

Oh, man, I can do romantic.

With or without the kazoo?

Smart ass.

Whoa.

♪ I need you to know ♪

Uh, thanks for the ride,
but, no,

I actually don't think silver
would look very good on me.

Ugh.

Besides, dude, I am, like...

totally crazy about this guy.

Who?

♪ You would be the last thing
I saw coming ♪

- Him.
- ♪ I'm still surprised ♪

♪ You are lovely tonight ♪

♪ You, dear, will guide me
into the morning light ♪

- How did you get here?
- What are you doing here?

I thought you were
with my mom and Grayson.

I was, but then I got lost
in the Hills.

♪ You are lovely tonight ♪

Actually, it's kind of pretty
out here at night.

It's beautiful.

♪ I see the rest of my life
with you ♪

Travis.

It was Bud.

It was definitely Bud.
I talked to him.

Sorry.

♪ Alone, we are fine,
but when we're two ♪

♪ we are eternal ♪

♪ the moons have aligned
our separate lives ♪

♪ here become one ♪

♪ you would be the last thing
I saw coming ♪

♪ I'm still surprised ♪

♪ You are lovely tonight ♪

♪ You, dear, will guide me
into the morning light ♪

♪ You are lovely tonight ♪

We did it.

Mm. Hey,
I have something for you.

Come on.

♪ I see the rest of my life
with you ♪

They'll be fine.
It's time for your vacation.

♪ All my life,
I've lived alone without you ♪

To commemorate the best
worst trip ever,

we present to you
the flower vase

permanently borrowed
from the hotel lobby.

Ooh!
We named her Big Tippi.

- Yay! - Yay!
- Yay! - Yay!

Mmm. LA might suck,
but you guys are the best.

Aww.

- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Cheers. - Cheers.

♪ You are lovely tonight ♪

And Tom's here.

Action.

Hello,
all Hollywood talent agencies.

My name is Grayson Ellis,

and I am
currently unrepresented,

with extensive
theatrical training.

Special skills include
horseback riding, tap-dancing,

rollerblading, hacky sack,
jewelry-making,

and breaking hearts.

Just kidding.

I also play music.

Oh!
Where'd the guitar go?

Just a bit of my comedy chops.

Oh, you say you want drama?
Get the tissues.

Where did the guitar go?

Why?

Why, God?! My guitar.

Act much?

Yeah. I do.
And I'm just getting started.

Call me.

What the hell are you doing?

Nothing.
This is just a joke.