Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 4 - I Should Have Known It - full transcript

I have got to go.

Bye.

Bye.

Ooh. That exact moment happened
in my dream last night.

Yeah, and then the tops came off
and the music kicked in.

My mother used to kiss her
friends good-bye on the lips.

It let them know they were special.

So I decided to do that
with all of my best friends.

Well, I should get going.

Bye, Tom.

God.



Hey, I'd like one of those
friend good-bye kisses.

Sweetie, they're only for best friends.

Bye, buddy.

I saw that coming.

Come on!

So Laurie and I have
this new trainer--

"Crazy Chris."

Well, actually, he's an ex-con
that we pay to yell at us

so we work out harder.

He says all I need to do
is lower my carbs

and get crazy wiry, so eses
in the yard think I'm loco.

Your trainer's name is Crazy Chris?

His real name is
Crazy Chris The Nightmare Man,

but he shortened it
to sound more professional.



Here's the bad news.

He says that calorie-wise,

a glass of wine is the same
as a slice of chocolate cake.

I don't buy it.

Hey, Tom, recycle this.

Ooh.

Tom's been kind of AWOL

since you denied him
that good-bye kiss.

Was I too hard on Tom?

Who cares?

Uh, it's okay, Jules.

I'll just be over at my house,

waiting to die.

And you're done.

Boom! I just crushed it
on my date

with the hot dog doctor.

He means hot... dog doctor.

She's a veterinarian.

Sometimes you have a problem
with which word to emphasize.

Yeah, I shoulda said hot dog doctor.

No, that would be
a rule-breaking badass surgeon.

Anyway, I met Nicole when I
took Dog Travis to the vet.

You guys remember when he had
that bad sleep-humping problem?

Oh, Bobby, you don't still
sleep nude, do you?

Man, dogs just don't
understand the word "no."

I feel like they do.

Fellas, I'm really excited
about this woman.

She's smart, she's classy...

and I'm ready for a real relationship.

This could be something special.

And I don't think she wants
to see me again.

Well, don't jump to conclusions.
What's it say?

"I don't want
to see you again."

That's pretty clear.

Oh, good, there's Tom.
I can apologize.

Oh, wait.
He's with a woman.

Well, I'm sure it's just
a relative or something.

Probably a cousin.

Uh...

still could be a cousin.

Cousin stuff can be hot.

It's like they instinctively
know what turns you on.

And that's how Jellies are made.

Hey, Tom.

We haven't seen you in a while.

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Oh, no, Jules.

I'm just hanging with
my girlfriend Jessica.

That's right, world.
I have a girlfriend.

Yeah, you do.

Go ahead. Smack that ass.

Let it know who it belongs to.

Uh, over or under?

I think we all vote over.

Over.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

Your purse could be my purse's mom.

You must be Jules. Tommy says
he hangs outside your window.

And you just ignored
that red flag, huh?

- So Tom's got a girlfriend.
- Mm-hmm.

- Does she not like Ellie?
- What? Why?

- Just assuming.
- Oh, fair enough.

When did you go to
a Yeah Yeah Yeahs concert?

Oh, I didn't.
I just like the shirt.

So... your shirt's a lie.

I hate lie shirts.

Lie shirts say, "Oh, look at me.

I'm pretending to be
something that I'm not."

Or they just say,
"Hey, I'm a shirt."

I'm with Jules.

When I wear a shirt--

Hey, Jellybean,
if you're gonna vomit out

one of your long,
boring-ass stories,

would you do me a solid
and raise your hand

when you hit the halfway point?

If I wear a shirt, you'd better
believe that it is true.

Even my female booty inspector shirt.

That's an actual job that I had once

at a bar in Key West.

At midnight,
all the drunk college girls

would come out on the stage
and--

yes, yes--

and then I would hose them down.

And then I'd get to judge
whose booty was the best.

Bar got shut down fast.

Okay, I say no more wearing lie shirts.

Who's with me?

- Me.
- Me.

It's weird you wouldn't speak up,

considering you're eating
my food and I gave you life.

Moving speech. I'm in.

You can't just outlaw my shirt.

Yes, she can.

In our gang of seven,
four is the majority.

Who's in favor of four votes
making something a rule?

- Aye.
- Aye. - Aye. - Aye.

Change approved.
Change your shirt.

So I texted hot dog doctor?

Thank you. And I asked her

why she didn't want to see me again.

Was it because you burn so bright

that she knew she could never
be good enough for you?

No. She said I had
horrible manners.

I mean, can you believe that?

Well, your shirt does seem to
come off a lot for no reason.

Gotta air the dogs out.

You smell like a man.

Oh, I love you guys,
but you're too nice.

No, I need someone who's gonna
give me the harsh truth,

even if it kills me.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

How did you--

Your ph--
your phone was on.

Oh.

Oh, that necklace
is so "Jersey Shore."

Oh, yeah.

Hey, neighbor.
Do you want some grapes?

Oh, no, thanks!
I don't like grapes...

anymore. Mm.

You know, she's, like,
this perky, hot blonde,

and Tom is...

ooh.

He's...

Nontraditional looking?

You are so sweet.

You know,

Tom has all that doctor money.

I think Jessica's a gold digger.

I should know. I wrote
the book on gold digging.

I say we investigate

and find out what that bitch's deal is.

No, I'm happy for Tom.
We're not investigating anyone.

Oh, hey, sluts.

- Oh...
- Say what?

Is this the window
you make Tommy stand outside of?

Well, that crap is over.

So no more kissing your ass

and laughing at your little jokes

and taking dirty naps
up in your bed when you're gone.

I wasn't aware he did that.

Just back the hell off.

Let's investigate and find out
what that bitch's deal is.

Meet you back here in five.

Oh, I'm loving this!

It's great.

Ooh, damn, girl!

Where'd you get that body from?

Do I really have to say that
every time you walk into a room?

Four votes, dude.
Deal with it.

Okay.

Tom and Jessica just drove into town.

Are you ready to go spy on them?

I got my comfy shoes
and I got the wine.

Oh, honey, are you sure
you wanna bring wine?

We're gonna be standing in one place

for a really long time.

So what? If I have to pee,
I'll just squat in the alley.

Good idea.

Oh, hell, yeah, baby!

Stupid rule.

Comfy shoes, wine--
are those caper supplies?

Is this a caper?

Whenever these two go on
one of their adventures

without adult supervision,
it's always a disaster.

She's the fire starter.
She's the gasoline pourer.

- Bing.
- Bing.

It's a bad thing.

Remember the time when we lived out

all of our favorite song lyrics?

Oh, yeah.
We were dancing in the dark.

Oh, we drank piña coladas,

- then we let all those dogs out.
- Oh.

And I'm the one that has to
clean up the mess.

Write this down.

Do not let these two
near any statues of naked men.

That explains that bag of
bronze penises in your closet.

If you say so, yeah.

Ready.
Bye.

I love this place.
They've got big ass-burgers.

Nope.

They've got big ass burgers?

That's much better.

Hey, thanks for coming
on this fake date

and helping me with my manners,
e-biscuit.

Are you kidding? It combines
two of my favorite things--

eating out and telling people
they're gross.

Now, are you at all curious
as to why I am still standing?

I am not.

You always pull a date's
chair out when she sits.

Open up with a practical joke.
I like it!

It's for real.

Huh?

All right.

There you go.

And always stand when a woman
approaches the table.

Oh, that's the opposite thing
they say at most strip clubs.

What's he doing?

He's washing
his food-pushing pinkie.

Yeah, it's for the stuff
I push onto my fork.

I'm not an animal.

Good God.

Not for waitresses.

These rules are out of control, okay?

I have to put a paper towel
down in the toilet

before I use the bathroom

because apparently, I pee too loud.

I have the stream
of a 20-year-old.

I will not apologize for that.

What's with the tiny spoon?

Ellie got four votes.

She thinks this will
slow down my eating.

You can either sit there
with your baby spoon

or you can stand beside me and fight.

What are you doing?

Bobby and I always
seal the deal with a hug pact.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

Look, we have you, me, and Bobby.

All we need is Travis' vote.

Mm.

The pact is sealed.

Go for Trav-tastic.

Yeah, I really answer
the phone like that. What?

? Balcony can?

Oh, I just love
watching Bobby and Ellie

on their pretend date.

They're so cute together.

You think Ellie and Andy
are, like, for real?

N-no, of course not.

I'm just so bored
watching Tom and Jessica.

They're just shopping.

To the untrained eye,

but to someone with a degree
in gold diggery,

I notice that she doesn't
have her purse with her.

Oh, my God.
He's buying her everything.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, sure, she bends over,

shows him Franklin and Bash,

and out comes the gold card.

She's good.
Yeah, she's real good.

Jules?

Kiss her, Bobby. Kiss her.

- Jules.
- I'm back.

You know, I'd like to get
a look inside that giant purse.

I bet she has her whole life in there.

I bet that purse
is at Tom's house right now.

- Yes!
- Yes! No.

Sometimes when we're together,
it's like I blink,

and suddenly things are
totally out of control.

There. We're in.

I feel good about this.

Wow. Tom's place is amazing.

I could totally see myself

doing a guy I'm not attracted to
in this house.

Just find the damn purse.

Jules, now I know
what "dirty naps" means.

What?

Oh!

Are you kidding?
Are you kidding?

Hey, you still have a kid?

Yeah, yeah, that picture
is from her christening.

I need a frame.

Hey, you're wearing your lie shirt.

We have rules.

No, we have rules.

Hit it, sidekick.

"Lie shirts, big spoons,
and loud urination

are all back.

Coasters are now optional,
'cause they're stupid."

Dumb.

"And that is now
the beer fridge."

Change approved!

How'd you get four votes?

You turned my son against me,
didn't ya?

And you raised such a nerd,
all it took was a pair of...

Incredible Hulk hands.

Incredible what?

Hulk angry.

Hulk smash panini.

This is what happens
when a boy is raised

by Captain Caveman.

What are you doing?

The first bite of someone else's
dessert is always the best.

Give him a break.

Sharing food with your date is sweet.

I guess.

I did want to try the flan.

Back off, girl.

I just told you
the first bite's the best.

It's not my fault
you weren't playing defense.

That is it!

So far you've eaten off my plate,

picked your teeth with a knife,

and used your pants, shirt,
and tablecloth as a napkin.

The only time
that you've said "excuse me"

was to get my attention
before you burped.

I didn't want you to miss it.

That baby was a table shaker.

That guy clapped.
Hey, baby.

You're hopeless.

You're never gonna get
that second date,

so as soon as you can accept that,

your life's gonna be easier.

Women--

no live with them,

no smash.

Sorry.

I can't find it anywhere.

Where do you hide a purse that big?

Maybe we're inside it.

This is crazy.
We could go to jail.

Jail isn't that scary,

especially since Crazy Chris

taught us how to make nice
with the Latin Kings.

I can't remember that handshake.
It had, like, 18 moves.

It's so simple.

Hand, pump.

Hand, pump.

Give one up.
One up.

Pour some out.

- Fake shake.
- Oh...

Homie hug.

See here?

Uh, what are you doing in Tommy's house

doing a Latin Kings shake?

Um, I can answer that.

Laurie, blind her with your wine.

Gyah!

It was mostly empty.

You've ruined my best dress.

I'm calling the police.

That's your best dress?

I'm calling the police--
the fashion police.

I'm calling Tommy.

No, no, please don't do that.
We can work this out. Please.

How's it going with you and Jelly?

Are you keeping it under control?

We may have taken a hostage.

You're going down, you little whores!

Bye.

Let me out, you bitch!

You know, nice language!

Lady, you can forget about
your bathroom bucket.

- I called in the cleaner.
- Let me out, you skank!

I had to.

I understand we have a, uh,
felony break in

and a body in the closet.
Is that correct?

All right.

Do what I say,
and we'll get through this.

Jelly Bean, find that damn purse.

We can still prove she's a gold digger.

Jules, get a rag,
wipe the place down--

tables, door knobs,
anything you may have touched.

Get to work.

A "please" would be nice.

Come again?

I said a "please" would be nice.

Get it straight, buster.
I'm not here to say "please."

I'm here to tell you what to do.

If my help's not appreciated,
best of luck, lady.

No, no.
I-I'm sorry, Miss Ellie.

Are you guys gonna kill me?

No.

Jessica, that text you sent

autocorrected to the word
"kidnapped."

Cleaner out.

Hey!

Whoa. What are you
doing here?

Think you can just
crush my dad and walk away?

Well, bad news, lady.

You're gonna have to answer
to... this guy.

Did you finally get visited
by the nut sack fairy?

- I'm not afraid of you. - Why don't
you come over here and say that?

Because I don't want to.

All you dummies treat Bobby
with such kid gloves.

Because it would be so much better

if we were all just mean and hateful.

I love your dad.

He wants a nice, classy woman
to spend his life with.

Trav, he's an unemployed guy

who lives on a boat in a parking lot.

If every other aspect
of his personality

isn't top notch,

do you think he's really
gonna find that woman?

Do you think he'll ever
really be happy?!

No, I don't!

Was he really crushed?

Yeah.

Shoot.

This psycho locked me in the closet

and tied my hands.

Whoa. Don't push me!

- Oh! Oh!
- O-okay. Stop. Stop.

Normally I'd be thrilled to have
two gals fighting in my house.

Most of my cul-de-sac
fan fiction starts like this.

Well, no one gets hog-tied
and thrown in the closet, right?

I should never read
that stuff, should I?

No.

We were just worried about you.

And Jessica was so into you
so quickly that--

Right, 'cause a-a woman could
never feel that way about me.

You should go.

Bye-bye, Jessica.

Don't let the door hit ya
in your gold-digging ass.

No, Jules. Uh, you.

What?

Jules! I found it.

I walked past it four times.

I thought it was a beanbag chair.

Give me that!

- No. Oh!
- Aah!

All right.

Purse of a purse.

Yes.
This is your watch, Tom.

What?

Why would your watch
be in her purse, Tom?

She's getting it fixed for me.

I guess we should go.

They hurt me.

Okay.

Ugh. I feel horrible--

partly because of Tom,

partly because I had
three slices of chocolate cake

and then an actual slice
of chocolate cake.

I had a whole bottle of chocolate cake.

Oh.

Hey, guys, do you think
we went too far with Tom?

Sorry. New rule.

- Shall we?
- Mm.

- We...
- As husbands...

...no longer have to respond
to crazy-ass questions

that you'd get mad at us
for answering honestly,

even though, deep down,

you already know the honest answer.

That was actually pretty impressive.

Okay, don't say anything.
Just let me talk.

Even though I mean well,

I know that sometimes
I can be a little--

oh, please don't leave.

I'm only standing because
there's a lady present.

Thank you.

Travis told me that you were
just looking out for me.

You know I'm pretty damn charmin'.

You'd totally go out with me
on a second date.

I know.

Are your hands clean?

Nope.

There you are.

I tried calling.

Can you stop breaking into my house?

You broke into my house.

That's different.
I have keys.

I never gave you a set of keys.

I-I stole 'em
for emergencies.

Oh, um, I wasn't sure
I'd get in the window,

so that's Laurie on the roof.

Aah!

- In heels.
- Oh.

Listen, um, we wanted to apologize.

Oh.

Almost died.

This saved me.

Thank you.

Where's Jessica?

I kicked her out.

She was stealing my watch.

I was... just too embarrassed
to admit it.

I knew we were right!

Dude!

Homie hug.

Latin Kings, huh?

How does everyone know that?

Still, it was nice having
someone pay attention to me,

even if it wasn't real.

I get lonely sometimes.

I am so sorry.

It's okay.

It seemed like you were
almost looking out for me.

Well, that's what friends do.

We look out for each other.

? she's incredible?

I hope you find some friends.

Take care.

Oh, Tom, we're just kidding.

Come on!

♪ But she replied ♪

Hey, everyone.

Grab a spot.

- Inside?
- Inside?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, this is easily the greatest thing

that's ever happened to me.

Well, that makes me a little sad.

Why do I have to stand out here?

It's your punishment
for turning Trav against me.

Thank God Andy flipped back.

We had a hug pact.

You never hugged back!

It's not official then, bud.

This is so fun. I-I feel like
I'm one of you guys.

Well, you are.

To Tom.

Welcome to the crew.

- To Tom!
- Yeah!

- Tom.
- Tommy boy.

E-train, I had
a great time tonight.

I did, too.

Now do you promise you'll
always give me the harsh truth?

I promise. Hug pact?

Aw. Aren't they just
amazing together?

I'm not entirely comfortable with this.

Oh, stop it.

You've fantasized about this, too.

Pfft.

I know.

Kiss him.

Kiss him.

Ouch, wow, wow.