Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 5 - Runnin' Down a Dream - full transcript
Jules decides that she's done with real estate.
- Are you really trying for morning sex?
- I am.
Can I get on top so I don't
have to look up your nose?
Yep, yep. Absolutely.
Mmm.
I'm sorry.
My heart's not in it.
Oh, no one cares.
Except for me. I-I do.
It's just that I've sucked
at my job lately.
I haven't sold a house
in forever,
and today I have to show
this annoying couple
the same house that I've
showed them five times.
You're just in a little slump.
You know, all you need
is, like, a little pump-up.
You know, like the boxers get.
(Boxing ring bell dings)
(Hip-hop music playing)
(Imitating boxing announcer)
And now
standing 5'6" tall,
weighing in at exactly what
a woman her size should weigh
if not 2 pounds less,
the Alabama Slamma--
Jules "Sweet Corn On The" Cobb.
(Man) ♪ I make the ball move
when they give me a beat ♪
Whoo-hoo! You crazy, girl.
You crazy.
♪ Till I rest in peace,
forever be in peace ♪
(Music stops)
- That's hot coffee!
- Scalding!
(Exhales)
Game on, 'Bama Slamma.
So...
did you love
seeing the place... again?
- Ohh...
(Inhales sharply) - Ah...
- What you love about the place?
- Yeah.
It's got a great layout.
It's got a yard.
Oh, it's got another yard
in the back.
Well, that's
a double yard thing.
What about the schools, Jerry?
You know, are the--
are the schools good?
They're fine. They got
sports, pregnant teens--
you know, the usual.
Can we put in a jacuzzi?
You could put in ten jacuzzis.
You could turn a whole room
into a jacuzzi.
That's something to consider.
For the love of God, could you
just make up your minds?
Is that dining-room wall
load-bearing?
I don't know, Jer.
Knock it down and find out.
- Can we?
- That'd be great.
"And then Terry The Train
said good-bye to his mommy
and daddy and..."
"Set off for his adventure."
Good job.
Sweetie, I think
the paperboy's here.
You want to go
throw rocks at him?
Okay. Nothing bigger
than a quarter.
(Door opens and closes) I love
watching you read to our son.
I wish Terry The Train
would crash
- and burn to death in a fire.
- Oh, that's sweet.
You know I love Stan,
but we have a nanny
to give him all the love
that I feel
but don't have the energy
to express.
But Rosa just up and left
for a vacation in Honduras.
Her mother died.
Like she's not gonna
see friends when she's there?
(Imitates Honduran accent)
Wah. I miss my mom.
(Normal voice) Pass the salsa.
That's selfish, insensitive,
and racist all at once.
The trifecta!
(Giggles) Yeah.
(Humming)
Stop being so happy.
No.
Fun and work go together like
the NBA and bastard babies.
Fun and work don't go together.
If they did,
they'd call it... "Furk."
Ugh. I haven't furked
in so long.
I was really hoping
you wouldn't make it a verb,
but then you did.
I mean, I can't even pay
attention at open houses.
I just play stranger touch.
(Laurie)
Stranger touch is a game
that we invented
when we worked together.
You try to touch a stranger
without getting caught.
I touched a cop on the way
into work yesterday
just to feel something.
Do you need a hit
of happy sauce?
Mmm.
Oh, that's cheaper than Xanax.
I'm gonna take
one of these home.
You know, work is like sex.
You shouldn't be doing it
unless you really,
really want to,
even if a wealthy
middle-eastern man
is paying you a bunch of money.
I mean, sure, some prince's
beach compound in Yemen
sounds like
a super-sweet vacay
until you're in a harem
with a dozen former
midwestern beauty queens
and Blair
from "The Facts Of Life."
You get my point?
What's a Yemen?
Okay. The point is,
we love what we do.
I mean, I want to be
a photographer,
but... (Chuckles)
I'd do it for free.
- Me, too!
- Wow. I don't think there's anything
that I would do for free.
Maybe open presents,
tickle babies,
oh, and smell my fingers after
I pump gasoline. (Inhales)
It's probably hard
to make careers
out of most of those things.
I...
(Both) Stranger touch.
Good job, grown-ups.
Look, I'm glad you guys
love your work,
but most people don't.
(Bobby) Ladies.
I just found my dream job.
Furk.
Behold.
Bobby's Burgers.
(Chuckles)
Bobby, I've never seen you
cook food.
I've seen you find food...
outside and then eat it.
Well, that's the beauty
about my business model.
All right, when drunk people
come out of a bar,
they want food.
So what I do, I go down
to the burger joint.
I buy a bunch of
their burgers for $1 a piece,
and then I pull the truck up
in front of a bar,
and I sell to these rowdy yahoos
for 4 bucks a pop.
What y'all think?
Do you want to start,
or should I?
I think it's amazing
that you found your calling.
I wish I had that.
Seriously?
Heel.
Stan has a harness.
But he eats glass.
What's your excuse?
Well, someone has to help pull
the truck around town.
It has no engine.
Well, have you seen
Ando's legs?
He's Quadzilla.
(Imitates slapping sound)
I'm ready to respond.
Cornbread,
science tells me
you have a brain
because you're standing
and blinking,
but I don't imagine
anything else in there
but a meatball that talks
just like you.
(Imitates Bobby)
Hurdy-dur.
Look, I know being with Stan
24 hours a day
has made you a little bit...
I don't know.
Let's call it edgy,
but that was too mean,
even for you.
Why are you smiling?
Bobby's dream is rolling away.
Ay!
(Thud)
(Cell phone beeps)
Ooh, Jules needs me.
Can you guys watch the bar
for a few minutes?
- Obviously.
- Totally.
- Absolutely.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
- Have a good one.
Oh, my God.
(Cork pops)
I feel sad for Jules,
so bummed over her job.
Well, sometimes work sucks.
That's why I call it "surk."
- Well, it surks for people
like you and my mom. - Yeah.
But Laurie and I--
we're artists.
I'm a cake artist.
What we do
changes people's lives.
Our humble mission--
to inspire humanity,
to hold up a mirror and ask
two questions-- why and what if?
With... cupcakes
and pictures?
What do you do again?
Something with numbers?
I'm a financial manager.
Dud if I... (Laughs)
had to what you do every day--
going into the same office,
sitting at the same computer,
eating
the same bologna sandwich,
I would totally go bath salts.
Sometimes I play solitaire.
♪
- Grayson gone?
- Yep.
When the cat's away, baby.
(Glass clatters, beer pours)
(Speaking indistinctly)
(Singsongy) Stranger touch.
You realize this game ends
with me being beaten to death?
I got big news.
I realized that I haven't
been selling any houses
because my heart's not in it.
So I'm gonna quit.
Quit and do what?
I don't know,
but I'm real excited
about the quitting part.
I mean, it makes things
a little harder on me,
but... (Chuckles)
that's no big deal, right?
Is it getting sarcastic?
(Chuckles) No.
I mean, it's cool to be
the sole breadwinner.
I get to pay for
the mortgage by myself
and-- ooh! I even get to pay
for your son's college tuition,
but he pays me back
by being surly
and stealing my shirts.
He steals from me, Jules.
He just borrows.
(Clattering)
What's shakin'?
That's stealing.
Bobby's burgers!
Get 'em while they're hot!
There you go. We gotta
get back to the grill.
(Metal clanking)
Grayson's right.
I don't think it's fair to
make him the only breadwinner.
(Continues clanking) (Woman) Can
I get four burgers, please?
I need four!
Four more burgers.
Make 'em sloppy.
Can you man the grill
for a second?
I gotta warm these up.
On it.
Um...
(Clanks)
I just don't know what I would
do for a living, you know?
(Clanking)
I'm... I'm-- I'm 43,
I didn't graduate from college.
(Clanks) I mean, I'm not
good at computering.
The only thing
that I'm qualified for
is real estate
and maybe being a prostitute.
Sorry, J-bird,
but I don't think
there's a huge market
for prostitutes in their 40s.
I can't even be a whore?
Mom, I think you'd be
an amazing whore.
Oh, my God. I can't believe
I just said that.
I just wish there was something
I could find to do
that made me happy.
All right, think back.
What were the jobs
where you had the most fun at?
Well, I loved
working with Laurie.
(Chuckles) Well, there you go.
As long as you're
with the people you love,
work ain't so bad.
Hey there, new boss.
(Dings)
Hey-o!
Let's sell some booze.
No.
Art. Art.
(Camera beeps, shutter clicks)
Ooh.
(Beep)
Art.
What are you doing?
You guys were so impressed
with yourselves,
that it made me wish
that I was an artist, too.
So I'm making art.
(Beep) Art.
(Beep) Art.
With your cell phone?
Sorry.
Those are only for taking
self-portraits
and pics of your snooze
for Vagalentine's Day...
(Singsongy) which is every day.
Laurie, sexy face.
(Beep)
- Art.
- Don't encourage him.
I'm sorry. It's a reflex.
Gosh.
It's so hard
being a photographer.
I mean, the picture part
is easy.
Any monkey can point and click.
(Beep, click) Art.
I'm just having trouble
pulling off
the pretentious part.
Art.
(Clanking)
Bobby,
I've been stressed lately,
and I-I shouldn't take it out
on you for being an idiot.
Apology accepted.
I just need an outlet
to get this mean out.
Hey, can I get a burger?
Oh, I think
you've had enough, bigguns.
(People murmur)
Damn, that felt good.
Toss me an apron.
Which one of you butt chuggers
is next?
Oh, the ginger.
You're stepping up,
with your friend,
too-tight T-shirt? Okay.
(Laughs)
(Laughter) Let's go.
- Here you go.
(Woman) - Thank you.
Employees only
behind the bar, please.
How do you not see
what a great idea this is?
I mean, if I work here,
you don't have to pay me,
plus you get to fire
that creepy waiter
with the giant eyebrows.
Not you. (Chuckles)
(Whispers) It's him.
(Whispers) I know.
(Normal voice) I could waitress.
I can bartend.
I can fill up the urinals
with ice.
Why do you do that, by the way?
It's fun to pee on.
Oh, great.
Now I want to try it.
Look, I just want
to enjoy my job.
(Sets down glass)
Mm, you think this is fun,
pouring beers all day?
Whoo! Look at this.
It's all foamy.
You know, how can I say this?
You know how when I rub
my temples like this,
it means I want to kill you?
That means you want to kill me?
You do it, like,
20 times a day.
And I've never done this
at my bar, not once.
I'm sorry.
You can't work here.
I'll give you morning sex
every day for a month.
Welcome aboard.
Ooh. I gotta go
melt some ice.
Do these two people look like
they're just saying hello
or like they're gonna
stab each other?
Definitely stab.
Awesome.
It's a gang initiation cake.
I am now the official baker
of the Latin Kings.
Li'l Choke is gonna be
so excited.
He gets stomped in this week.
So, Laurie,
I want you to hang one
of these pictures in your shop.
But here's the thing,
I took one
and Travis took one, you know,
with all his talent.
All you've gotta do
is tell me which one's which.
Just focus on
the symbolic use of light
- utilized to--
- Shut it, art douche.
Okay.
This picture really captures
this man's soul,
you know?
But this one is, like,
a caught moment in time.
It's like I could just,
you know,
turn my head,
it's like I'm there.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Okay, um,
this one!
Did I pick right, Travis?
(Moans)
Oh! So close.
I took this one
at Bobby's Burgers
on my cell while I
spun around in a circle
with my eyes closed.
If it makes you feel better,
I also made
some artsy cupcakes.
I slipped them
into your display case.
I've been selling cup-fakes?
(Gasps)
What's wrong?
I can't tell which are his
and which are mine.
(Camera shutter clicks, beep)
Art.
I think I'll call this one...
"Suck it!" (Chuckles)
(Gasps)
Enjoy your meal.
Hopefully it can replace
the love of a woman.
(Laughter)
Do me! Do me!
When's the last time
a girl said "yes" to that?
(Crowd) Ohh!
(Laughter)
(Amplified voice)
Back of the line, sasquatch.
(Laughter continues)
(Laughs) Check out
all these people.
I mean, this one guy drove
all the way down from Tampa
just to meet the burger bitch.
Honest to God,
you were put on this earth
to hurt people's feelings.
Aw.
Shouldn't you be eating goats
under a bridge somewhere?
(Laughter)
We're neighbors.
She's been doing that to me
since before it was cool.
Back of the line.
(Sighs)
Hell, yeah!
That's how you pour
a glass of wine, bitch.
No, that's how you pour
a glass of wine.
If I pour all my glasses
like that, I lose money.
Got it.
(Dings)
All right.
Who wants a refill?
Stop ringing my bell.
That's not what you said
last night.
(Ding)
Hey-o!
Thank you. Frank,
here's your burger.
That'll be 5 bucks.
We charge 10 bucks
for a burger.
In real estate,
the most important thing
is to make the sale.
Frank wasn't gonna buy high.
If it makes you
feel any better,
that woman over there is having
a $33 fish-and-chips.
Oh, thanks, Guillermo.
Thank you.
I thought you were gonna
fire him.
I couldn't.
He's got three kids,
plus he said he'd cover for me
on Fridays when I do pilates.
So we get the joy
of spending every second
of every day together,
and I don't even save money?
(Dings)
I also told him
he could ring the bell.
Oh, no. You're doing
the temple rub.
Sweetie, what can I do
to make it stop?
Really.
I'll-- I'll do anything.
You kept that job
for 12 minutes.
Work sucks.
Yeah, it does.
Jerry, you've been
to the house six times.
Did you see a closet?
Did you walk into it?
Then, yeah,
it's a walk-in closet.
I need a hit.
More cake icing?
No, she gassed up her car
on the way over. (Sniffs)
Mm. Diesel.
Andy crapped all over
what we do.
He has no--
Not now, Tarvis.
You get a 20-second high
from good gas.
Hold on.
Wow. What a rush.
Okay, what did Andy do?
He insulted our crafts.
Those cakes are so much more
than just eggs, flour, and milk.
I put my soul in them.
And according to some liar
on Yelp,
one of my fake nails.
Whatever.
Normal people
just don't realize
the sacrifices we make
for our art.
God, you two are smug.
Is this the gasoline talking?
I mean, let's not forget
the dynamic here.
You think I'm perfect.
I remember.
But listen up.
If you're one of the few people
on this earth
that actually loves
what they do,
you don't ever rub that
in anyone's face.
No, you be grateful
and keep your mouth shut.
(Sighs)
Oh, no.
Not again.
(Amplified voice) All right,
people, let's line up
from least annoying to the most.
(Crowd murmuring)
Tom, you don't have to be
in the back of the line,
but you should be near it.
Yes! Not in the back.
High five!
Now you're in the back.
(Crowd) Ohh!
Oh, nothing sadder
than a cop on a bike.
Can someone get him a bell
for his handlebars?
Could you two
step out of the truck?
With all due respect,
I know my rights.
- I don't know what they are.
What are they? - I don't know.
You're screwed
if you don't have a permit.
Well, luckily I have one.
I'll go grab it.
Bobby! Stop!
He's got a gun.
You're welcome.
(All, singsongy)
Stranger touch!
I'm gonna miss that truck.
It was nice making people
feel bad about themselves,
even for a second.
Ooh!
Give me a hit of that,
e-train.
I'm not meant to be
a stay-at-home mom.
I feel like I need to go back
to work. It's time.
That's cool. What would be
your dream job?
Mmm.
Don't bogart it.
What's all this stuff
about you and dream jobs?
What are you, 7?
I just want to be happy
at my work.
Oh, and by the way, Bobby,
I'd make an awesome prostitute.
I feel like I'm missing
some backstory.
You know, when we were married,
real estate made you happy.
Yeah. That was when
you weren't making any cash.
I came through,
bought us a house.
I think deep down,
I liked taking care
of the family, just myself.
That's why marrying Grayson
might have been a big mistake.
He makes his own money.
Sometimes I forget
how messed up you are.
I still remember
how stoked you were
when you sold
your first house. (Chuckles)
You bought everyone we knew
a steak dinner.
Oh, man.
I would love to get
that feeling back.
Then quit being lazy
and just do it.
Yeah.
This stuff makes you lazy.
(Door closes)
(Laurie) Hey.
We brought you something.
The Latin Kings
didn't want my cake.
Turns out Li'l Choke
doesn't like caramel.
- Oh, and also, he's dead.
- Aw.
Also, uh... I thought
you might like this.
Oh. Now this...
this is art.
- Sorry we were art douches.
- Yeah.
You know, when I was younger,
I had a dream.
I wanted to be a comedian.
I even did some open mics
at my brother's club in Miami.
Were you any good?
Oh, well, you know,
it was in... Little Havana,
and I don't speak Spanish,
and, you know--
but I-I did
a pretty good accent,
and, you know,
the crowd really loved me.
(Laughs)
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
♪
(Men)
♪ I'll be flicking stones ♪
Oh, not again.
I really should start
wearing gloves.
(Woman) I wanted
the crab cakes, because I know
- they're heavy, too, so don't-- I mean...
- Yeah.
- But I'm just saying, if you could just have one--
- I'm not sure I'm in the mood for crab.
Oh, good God. You can't even
pick an appetizer,
much less a house.
But that's okay.
That's why I'm here.
I brought the contract.
You're going to buy
that damn place.
Look, I know it's scary,
buying a house,
especially for a new couple.
Oh, honey,
you're probably afraid
of that kind of commitment.
♪ Walking on sand ♪
And, Jer...
you're probably nervous
because you know that Bonnie's
got some drinking issues.
What's she talking about?
Nothing. Jules, go on.
You guys are ready for this.
Now here is your pen.
Here is your pen.
They'll have the Hummus.
That's right.
That's how I say it.
Now are you ready
to buy this house or not?
♪
(Pops) Aah!
(Cheering and laughing)
I'm back!
Way to close, J-bird.
- To Jules.
(Andy) - To Jules.
(Clinking) (Laurie) Whoo!
How'd you get the money
for these steaks so fast?
What, did they pay in cash?
Oh, these are from your bar.
(Laughs)
- ♪ Think all the places we could be ♪
- Oh, man.
- ♪ I'll be waiting ♪
- Whoo!
♪ Waiting on
a new brand-new day ♪
(Imitating Cuban accent)
Okay, amigos.
Check this out.
Check this out.
So this, uh, one time,
I was--
I was, uh, I took out
this white girl, you know?
And, uh, I'm like,
"Baby, where do you wanna go?"
And she goes, "I want to go
to the shopping mall."
(Singsongy) Bitches be loco.
(Laughs)
Hey. Okay.
Uh, seriously, seriously,
so then, like, I took her
to my-- my mom's house,
you know, my mami's house
to, uh, to get some dinner.
And she's like, "You got
any kind of mild salsa?"
I go, "Baby, we only got two
kind of salsa in this house.
We got hot
and hooooot.
Why don't you take your ass
back to the shopping mall?"
Bitches be loco!
And by the way... ahh!!
They didn't love the accent.
- I am.
Can I get on top so I don't
have to look up your nose?
Yep, yep. Absolutely.
Mmm.
I'm sorry.
My heart's not in it.
Oh, no one cares.
Except for me. I-I do.
It's just that I've sucked
at my job lately.
I haven't sold a house
in forever,
and today I have to show
this annoying couple
the same house that I've
showed them five times.
You're just in a little slump.
You know, all you need
is, like, a little pump-up.
You know, like the boxers get.
(Boxing ring bell dings)
(Hip-hop music playing)
(Imitating boxing announcer)
And now
standing 5'6" tall,
weighing in at exactly what
a woman her size should weigh
if not 2 pounds less,
the Alabama Slamma--
Jules "Sweet Corn On The" Cobb.
(Man) ♪ I make the ball move
when they give me a beat ♪
Whoo-hoo! You crazy, girl.
You crazy.
♪ Till I rest in peace,
forever be in peace ♪
(Music stops)
- That's hot coffee!
- Scalding!
(Exhales)
Game on, 'Bama Slamma.
So...
did you love
seeing the place... again?
- Ohh...
(Inhales sharply) - Ah...
- What you love about the place?
- Yeah.
It's got a great layout.
It's got a yard.
Oh, it's got another yard
in the back.
Well, that's
a double yard thing.
What about the schools, Jerry?
You know, are the--
are the schools good?
They're fine. They got
sports, pregnant teens--
you know, the usual.
Can we put in a jacuzzi?
You could put in ten jacuzzis.
You could turn a whole room
into a jacuzzi.
That's something to consider.
For the love of God, could you
just make up your minds?
Is that dining-room wall
load-bearing?
I don't know, Jer.
Knock it down and find out.
- Can we?
- That'd be great.
"And then Terry The Train
said good-bye to his mommy
and daddy and..."
"Set off for his adventure."
Good job.
Sweetie, I think
the paperboy's here.
You want to go
throw rocks at him?
Okay. Nothing bigger
than a quarter.
(Door opens and closes) I love
watching you read to our son.
I wish Terry The Train
would crash
- and burn to death in a fire.
- Oh, that's sweet.
You know I love Stan,
but we have a nanny
to give him all the love
that I feel
but don't have the energy
to express.
But Rosa just up and left
for a vacation in Honduras.
Her mother died.
Like she's not gonna
see friends when she's there?
(Imitates Honduran accent)
Wah. I miss my mom.
(Normal voice) Pass the salsa.
That's selfish, insensitive,
and racist all at once.
The trifecta!
(Giggles) Yeah.
(Humming)
Stop being so happy.
No.
Fun and work go together like
the NBA and bastard babies.
Fun and work don't go together.
If they did,
they'd call it... "Furk."
Ugh. I haven't furked
in so long.
I was really hoping
you wouldn't make it a verb,
but then you did.
I mean, I can't even pay
attention at open houses.
I just play stranger touch.
(Laurie)
Stranger touch is a game
that we invented
when we worked together.
You try to touch a stranger
without getting caught.
I touched a cop on the way
into work yesterday
just to feel something.
Do you need a hit
of happy sauce?
Mmm.
Oh, that's cheaper than Xanax.
I'm gonna take
one of these home.
You know, work is like sex.
You shouldn't be doing it
unless you really,
really want to,
even if a wealthy
middle-eastern man
is paying you a bunch of money.
I mean, sure, some prince's
beach compound in Yemen
sounds like
a super-sweet vacay
until you're in a harem
with a dozen former
midwestern beauty queens
and Blair
from "The Facts Of Life."
You get my point?
What's a Yemen?
Okay. The point is,
we love what we do.
I mean, I want to be
a photographer,
but... (Chuckles)
I'd do it for free.
- Me, too!
- Wow. I don't think there's anything
that I would do for free.
Maybe open presents,
tickle babies,
oh, and smell my fingers after
I pump gasoline. (Inhales)
It's probably hard
to make careers
out of most of those things.
I...
(Both) Stranger touch.
Good job, grown-ups.
Look, I'm glad you guys
love your work,
but most people don't.
(Bobby) Ladies.
I just found my dream job.
Furk.
Behold.
Bobby's Burgers.
(Chuckles)
Bobby, I've never seen you
cook food.
I've seen you find food...
outside and then eat it.
Well, that's the beauty
about my business model.
All right, when drunk people
come out of a bar,
they want food.
So what I do, I go down
to the burger joint.
I buy a bunch of
their burgers for $1 a piece,
and then I pull the truck up
in front of a bar,
and I sell to these rowdy yahoos
for 4 bucks a pop.
What y'all think?
Do you want to start,
or should I?
I think it's amazing
that you found your calling.
I wish I had that.
Seriously?
Heel.
Stan has a harness.
But he eats glass.
What's your excuse?
Well, someone has to help pull
the truck around town.
It has no engine.
Well, have you seen
Ando's legs?
He's Quadzilla.
(Imitates slapping sound)
I'm ready to respond.
Cornbread,
science tells me
you have a brain
because you're standing
and blinking,
but I don't imagine
anything else in there
but a meatball that talks
just like you.
(Imitates Bobby)
Hurdy-dur.
Look, I know being with Stan
24 hours a day
has made you a little bit...
I don't know.
Let's call it edgy,
but that was too mean,
even for you.
Why are you smiling?
Bobby's dream is rolling away.
Ay!
(Thud)
(Cell phone beeps)
Ooh, Jules needs me.
Can you guys watch the bar
for a few minutes?
- Obviously.
- Totally.
- Absolutely.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
- Have a good one.
Oh, my God.
(Cork pops)
I feel sad for Jules,
so bummed over her job.
Well, sometimes work sucks.
That's why I call it "surk."
- Well, it surks for people
like you and my mom. - Yeah.
But Laurie and I--
we're artists.
I'm a cake artist.
What we do
changes people's lives.
Our humble mission--
to inspire humanity,
to hold up a mirror and ask
two questions-- why and what if?
With... cupcakes
and pictures?
What do you do again?
Something with numbers?
I'm a financial manager.
Dud if I... (Laughs)
had to what you do every day--
going into the same office,
sitting at the same computer,
eating
the same bologna sandwich,
I would totally go bath salts.
Sometimes I play solitaire.
♪
- Grayson gone?
- Yep.
When the cat's away, baby.
(Glass clatters, beer pours)
(Speaking indistinctly)
(Singsongy) Stranger touch.
You realize this game ends
with me being beaten to death?
I got big news.
I realized that I haven't
been selling any houses
because my heart's not in it.
So I'm gonna quit.
Quit and do what?
I don't know,
but I'm real excited
about the quitting part.
I mean, it makes things
a little harder on me,
but... (Chuckles)
that's no big deal, right?
Is it getting sarcastic?
(Chuckles) No.
I mean, it's cool to be
the sole breadwinner.
I get to pay for
the mortgage by myself
and-- ooh! I even get to pay
for your son's college tuition,
but he pays me back
by being surly
and stealing my shirts.
He steals from me, Jules.
He just borrows.
(Clattering)
What's shakin'?
That's stealing.
Bobby's burgers!
Get 'em while they're hot!
There you go. We gotta
get back to the grill.
(Metal clanking)
Grayson's right.
I don't think it's fair to
make him the only breadwinner.
(Continues clanking) (Woman) Can
I get four burgers, please?
I need four!
Four more burgers.
Make 'em sloppy.
Can you man the grill
for a second?
I gotta warm these up.
On it.
Um...
(Clanks)
I just don't know what I would
do for a living, you know?
(Clanking)
I'm... I'm-- I'm 43,
I didn't graduate from college.
(Clanks) I mean, I'm not
good at computering.
The only thing
that I'm qualified for
is real estate
and maybe being a prostitute.
Sorry, J-bird,
but I don't think
there's a huge market
for prostitutes in their 40s.
I can't even be a whore?
Mom, I think you'd be
an amazing whore.
Oh, my God. I can't believe
I just said that.
I just wish there was something
I could find to do
that made me happy.
All right, think back.
What were the jobs
where you had the most fun at?
Well, I loved
working with Laurie.
(Chuckles) Well, there you go.
As long as you're
with the people you love,
work ain't so bad.
Hey there, new boss.
(Dings)
Hey-o!
Let's sell some booze.
No.
Art. Art.
(Camera beeps, shutter clicks)
Ooh.
(Beep)
Art.
What are you doing?
You guys were so impressed
with yourselves,
that it made me wish
that I was an artist, too.
So I'm making art.
(Beep) Art.
(Beep) Art.
With your cell phone?
Sorry.
Those are only for taking
self-portraits
and pics of your snooze
for Vagalentine's Day...
(Singsongy) which is every day.
Laurie, sexy face.
(Beep)
- Art.
- Don't encourage him.
I'm sorry. It's a reflex.
Gosh.
It's so hard
being a photographer.
I mean, the picture part
is easy.
Any monkey can point and click.
(Beep, click) Art.
I'm just having trouble
pulling off
the pretentious part.
Art.
(Clanking)
Bobby,
I've been stressed lately,
and I-I shouldn't take it out
on you for being an idiot.
Apology accepted.
I just need an outlet
to get this mean out.
Hey, can I get a burger?
Oh, I think
you've had enough, bigguns.
(People murmur)
Damn, that felt good.
Toss me an apron.
Which one of you butt chuggers
is next?
Oh, the ginger.
You're stepping up,
with your friend,
too-tight T-shirt? Okay.
(Laughs)
(Laughter) Let's go.
- Here you go.
(Woman) - Thank you.
Employees only
behind the bar, please.
How do you not see
what a great idea this is?
I mean, if I work here,
you don't have to pay me,
plus you get to fire
that creepy waiter
with the giant eyebrows.
Not you. (Chuckles)
(Whispers) It's him.
(Whispers) I know.
(Normal voice) I could waitress.
I can bartend.
I can fill up the urinals
with ice.
Why do you do that, by the way?
It's fun to pee on.
Oh, great.
Now I want to try it.
Look, I just want
to enjoy my job.
(Sets down glass)
Mm, you think this is fun,
pouring beers all day?
Whoo! Look at this.
It's all foamy.
You know, how can I say this?
You know how when I rub
my temples like this,
it means I want to kill you?
That means you want to kill me?
You do it, like,
20 times a day.
And I've never done this
at my bar, not once.
I'm sorry.
You can't work here.
I'll give you morning sex
every day for a month.
Welcome aboard.
Ooh. I gotta go
melt some ice.
Do these two people look like
they're just saying hello
or like they're gonna
stab each other?
Definitely stab.
Awesome.
It's a gang initiation cake.
I am now the official baker
of the Latin Kings.
Li'l Choke is gonna be
so excited.
He gets stomped in this week.
So, Laurie,
I want you to hang one
of these pictures in your shop.
But here's the thing,
I took one
and Travis took one, you know,
with all his talent.
All you've gotta do
is tell me which one's which.
Just focus on
the symbolic use of light
- utilized to--
- Shut it, art douche.
Okay.
This picture really captures
this man's soul,
you know?
But this one is, like,
a caught moment in time.
It's like I could just,
you know,
turn my head,
it's like I'm there.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Okay, um,
this one!
Did I pick right, Travis?
(Moans)
Oh! So close.
I took this one
at Bobby's Burgers
on my cell while I
spun around in a circle
with my eyes closed.
If it makes you feel better,
I also made
some artsy cupcakes.
I slipped them
into your display case.
I've been selling cup-fakes?
(Gasps)
What's wrong?
I can't tell which are his
and which are mine.
(Camera shutter clicks, beep)
Art.
I think I'll call this one...
"Suck it!" (Chuckles)
(Gasps)
Enjoy your meal.
Hopefully it can replace
the love of a woman.
(Laughter)
Do me! Do me!
When's the last time
a girl said "yes" to that?
(Crowd) Ohh!
(Laughter)
(Amplified voice)
Back of the line, sasquatch.
(Laughter continues)
(Laughs) Check out
all these people.
I mean, this one guy drove
all the way down from Tampa
just to meet the burger bitch.
Honest to God,
you were put on this earth
to hurt people's feelings.
Aw.
Shouldn't you be eating goats
under a bridge somewhere?
(Laughter)
We're neighbors.
She's been doing that to me
since before it was cool.
Back of the line.
(Sighs)
Hell, yeah!
That's how you pour
a glass of wine, bitch.
No, that's how you pour
a glass of wine.
If I pour all my glasses
like that, I lose money.
Got it.
(Dings)
All right.
Who wants a refill?
Stop ringing my bell.
That's not what you said
last night.
(Ding)
Hey-o!
Thank you. Frank,
here's your burger.
That'll be 5 bucks.
We charge 10 bucks
for a burger.
In real estate,
the most important thing
is to make the sale.
Frank wasn't gonna buy high.
If it makes you
feel any better,
that woman over there is having
a $33 fish-and-chips.
Oh, thanks, Guillermo.
Thank you.
I thought you were gonna
fire him.
I couldn't.
He's got three kids,
plus he said he'd cover for me
on Fridays when I do pilates.
So we get the joy
of spending every second
of every day together,
and I don't even save money?
(Dings)
I also told him
he could ring the bell.
Oh, no. You're doing
the temple rub.
Sweetie, what can I do
to make it stop?
Really.
I'll-- I'll do anything.
You kept that job
for 12 minutes.
Work sucks.
Yeah, it does.
Jerry, you've been
to the house six times.
Did you see a closet?
Did you walk into it?
Then, yeah,
it's a walk-in closet.
I need a hit.
More cake icing?
No, she gassed up her car
on the way over. (Sniffs)
Mm. Diesel.
Andy crapped all over
what we do.
He has no--
Not now, Tarvis.
You get a 20-second high
from good gas.
Hold on.
Wow. What a rush.
Okay, what did Andy do?
He insulted our crafts.
Those cakes are so much more
than just eggs, flour, and milk.
I put my soul in them.
And according to some liar
on Yelp,
one of my fake nails.
Whatever.
Normal people
just don't realize
the sacrifices we make
for our art.
God, you two are smug.
Is this the gasoline talking?
I mean, let's not forget
the dynamic here.
You think I'm perfect.
I remember.
But listen up.
If you're one of the few people
on this earth
that actually loves
what they do,
you don't ever rub that
in anyone's face.
No, you be grateful
and keep your mouth shut.
(Sighs)
Oh, no.
Not again.
(Amplified voice) All right,
people, let's line up
from least annoying to the most.
(Crowd murmuring)
Tom, you don't have to be
in the back of the line,
but you should be near it.
Yes! Not in the back.
High five!
Now you're in the back.
(Crowd) Ohh!
Oh, nothing sadder
than a cop on a bike.
Can someone get him a bell
for his handlebars?
Could you two
step out of the truck?
With all due respect,
I know my rights.
- I don't know what they are.
What are they? - I don't know.
You're screwed
if you don't have a permit.
Well, luckily I have one.
I'll go grab it.
Bobby! Stop!
He's got a gun.
You're welcome.
(All, singsongy)
Stranger touch!
I'm gonna miss that truck.
It was nice making people
feel bad about themselves,
even for a second.
Ooh!
Give me a hit of that,
e-train.
I'm not meant to be
a stay-at-home mom.
I feel like I need to go back
to work. It's time.
That's cool. What would be
your dream job?
Mmm.
Don't bogart it.
What's all this stuff
about you and dream jobs?
What are you, 7?
I just want to be happy
at my work.
Oh, and by the way, Bobby,
I'd make an awesome prostitute.
I feel like I'm missing
some backstory.
You know, when we were married,
real estate made you happy.
Yeah. That was when
you weren't making any cash.
I came through,
bought us a house.
I think deep down,
I liked taking care
of the family, just myself.
That's why marrying Grayson
might have been a big mistake.
He makes his own money.
Sometimes I forget
how messed up you are.
I still remember
how stoked you were
when you sold
your first house. (Chuckles)
You bought everyone we knew
a steak dinner.
Oh, man.
I would love to get
that feeling back.
Then quit being lazy
and just do it.
Yeah.
This stuff makes you lazy.
(Door closes)
(Laurie) Hey.
We brought you something.
The Latin Kings
didn't want my cake.
Turns out Li'l Choke
doesn't like caramel.
- Oh, and also, he's dead.
- Aw.
Also, uh... I thought
you might like this.
Oh. Now this...
this is art.
- Sorry we were art douches.
- Yeah.
You know, when I was younger,
I had a dream.
I wanted to be a comedian.
I even did some open mics
at my brother's club in Miami.
Were you any good?
Oh, well, you know,
it was in... Little Havana,
and I don't speak Spanish,
and, you know--
but I-I did
a pretty good accent,
and, you know,
the crowd really loved me.
(Laughs)
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
♪
(Men)
♪ I'll be flicking stones ♪
Oh, not again.
I really should start
wearing gloves.
(Woman) I wanted
the crab cakes, because I know
- they're heavy, too, so don't-- I mean...
- Yeah.
- But I'm just saying, if you could just have one--
- I'm not sure I'm in the mood for crab.
Oh, good God. You can't even
pick an appetizer,
much less a house.
But that's okay.
That's why I'm here.
I brought the contract.
You're going to buy
that damn place.
Look, I know it's scary,
buying a house,
especially for a new couple.
Oh, honey,
you're probably afraid
of that kind of commitment.
♪ Walking on sand ♪
And, Jer...
you're probably nervous
because you know that Bonnie's
got some drinking issues.
What's she talking about?
Nothing. Jules, go on.
You guys are ready for this.
Now here is your pen.
Here is your pen.
They'll have the Hummus.
That's right.
That's how I say it.
Now are you ready
to buy this house or not?
♪
(Pops) Aah!
(Cheering and laughing)
I'm back!
Way to close, J-bird.
- To Jules.
(Andy) - To Jules.
(Clinking) (Laurie) Whoo!
How'd you get the money
for these steaks so fast?
What, did they pay in cash?
Oh, these are from your bar.
(Laughs)
- ♪ Think all the places we could be ♪
- Oh, man.
- ♪ I'll be waiting ♪
- Whoo!
♪ Waiting on
a new brand-new day ♪
(Imitating Cuban accent)
Okay, amigos.
Check this out.
Check this out.
So this, uh, one time,
I was--
I was, uh, I took out
this white girl, you know?
And, uh, I'm like,
"Baby, where do you wanna go?"
And she goes, "I want to go
to the shopping mall."
(Singsongy) Bitches be loco.
(Laughs)
Hey. Okay.
Uh, seriously, seriously,
so then, like, I took her
to my-- my mom's house,
you know, my mami's house
to, uh, to get some dinner.
And she's like, "You got
any kind of mild salsa?"
I go, "Baby, we only got two
kind of salsa in this house.
We got hot
and hooooot.
Why don't you take your ass
back to the shopping mall?"
Bitches be loco!
And by the way... ahh!!
They didn't love the accent.