Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 3 - Between Two Worlds - full transcript

I can't make a word.
I hate this.

I like games
you can yell stuff.

"Jenga!" "Yahtzee!"

"Go fish, bitch."

Would it help if we had sex?

And that's when Trav realized
he was invisible.

No, he's right. I can solve
any problem during sex.

You know, you were conceived

when I couldn't figure out
the VCR remote.

Want to get some pizza?

Trav, you want to come?



Too much schoolwork.
Bring me some.

Whew.

Where's the pizza?

We didn't go yet. But I
figured out a word, though.

Ohh, that's uncool.

Oh, you'll live.
Okay, I gotta get Grayson.

He fell asleep on the hood
of the car.

I have some bad news.

The tree on the side
of the house is dying.

So sad.

Stop. This is important to me.

When we moved in,
I put a swing in it.

And I used to hold Travis
in my arms

and rock him
till he fell asleep.



Didn't you guys move in here
when Travis was, like, 12?

What's your point?

I'm the sure the jury
will understand

when Travis is explaining
why he broke into the morgue

to spoon your corpse.

I get how you could
be attached to a tree.

See the toaster I got you
as a wedding gift?

When I was little,

we didn't have a toaster.

We did have a flamethrower

that my foster dad
got in Vietnam.

I fired it up

and accidentally
burnt down the trailer,

and I ended up in the street,

blaming toast
for all of my problems.

Years later, I see
that toaster on your registry.

You get
a kick-ass wedding gift,

and I finally made peace
with toast.

I knew you were here
telling me the story,

but I was still rooting for you
to die in the trailer fire.

So mean.

Honey, you know the tree
on the side of the house?

Well, I'm gonna have to spend some
money to save it.

Sounds good.

Also, unless you want me
to throw out

all of my sexy underwear
that I never wear,

I'm gonna need the bottom drawer
of your dresser

for the rest of our lives.

Not a problem.

Okay. Mm.
Thanks, babe.

Question.

Where did his balls go?

They're right here.

Oh!

Phew!

Boop.

Now that's just wrong.

Jer! Hey.

I haven't forgotten about
that 6 bucks that I owe ya.

How about instead,
I give you a coupon

for one free piggyback ride
to your car?

That's how they get around
in China.

Forget it. I mean,
loaning Bobby Cobb money

is like putting your child
up for adoption.

You know you're never
gonna see it again,

and that's okay.

Yeah. See ya.

Jerry acts like everybody knows

what kind of man Bobby Cobb is,

like I'm a good-for-nothin',
a freeloader.

Two large Americanos for Ron.

Free coffee time.

All right,
every 20 minutes or so,

they call someone
who's in the crapper.

Get ready to haul ass.

Ron!

I'm Ron.

Ron Mexico.

Whoo!

Ron Mexico--
best name ever!

Look what I bought
for the cul-de-sac.

It's a wine spike.

You just stick it in the ground,
and it holds your bottle.

Now we never have to have
those awkward moments

where we're outside
but we're not drinking wine.

You know, I could kill
a man with these things.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

So can we talk about
how your dime-eyed husband

agrees with everything you say
without a fight?

I know. It's awesome.

But you love to fight.

- I don't love to fight.
- You do.

- No, I don't.
- We're fighting now.

- I'm not enjoying it.
- Why are you smiling?

I'm proud of my teeth.

Enough! Look, Andy does
everything I say,

but emasculating men
really turns me on.

But I know you.

You need to go toe-to-toe
with your husband

or you're gonna get bored.

You need some pushback.

I want a passionate marriage.

I want it to be spicy
but still awesome,

like Ike and Tina
in that movie.

You never finished
that DVD, did ya?

No, I only saw
the first 20 minutes,

but they seem like
a great couple.

Oh, yeah.

Look at you,
drinking like a man.

That means
we can talk like men.

Don't make it weird, Tom.
Ah.

Countdown to weird
in three, two...

So what's your favorite
kind of tushy?

Mine's a big ol' fat one.

Guys...

I'm worried about Wade.

This morning when we Skyped,

he said he was going on
a scouting mission.

He tried to play it cool,

but I could tell
he was really scared.

You know, that's my superpower--
I pick up on people's vibes.

And it's, like,
a hundo-times stronger

on people that I've strudeled.

You think you have
a superpower?

Now I'm getting
a skeptical vibe.

- Very good.
- Yeah.

Everyone in our gang
has a special power.

We're like The Avengers.

Nice nerd reference.

Together we could take down
the Chitauri Army.

Took it too far?
Anyway, no one has superpowers.

Sure we do.

I read vibes.

Your mom can solve
any problem with sex.

Your dad can give anyone
the perfect nickname.

What did you call me
this morning?

Laurie Povich.

Laurie Povich!

Ellie can start a fight
between any two people.

Oh, I bet he doesn't want kids.

Sure he does. Don't you?

What?

So fun!

Andy can find anything.

Hey, buddy.
Found your Lego piece.

Thanks.

Stan's crazy strong.
He may even be able to fly.

The other day, they found him
on top of the neighbor's roof.

And Grayson
can impersonate anyone.

Yeah, I think you're being
a little ridiculous.

Yeah,

I think you're being
a little ridiculous.

Ha ha!
Nailed it, G-man.

Ha ha!
Nailed it, G-man.

Well, you can't do everyone.

Oh, you can't do everyone.

How great are wine spikes?

I know. I put them all over.

They're like fire hydrants,
but useful.

Mm-hmm.

- I got a plan.
- Okay.

Grayson will engage

if it's something
he cares about,

like if I want to waste
a lot of money.

I get my pushback,

then we go back to being
Ike and Tina.

You really need
to finish that movie.

I should warn Andy
about the wine spikes

before he mows.

Yes.

Hey, honey.

Hey, babe.

Okay, so I had the guy
from the tree place come out,

and this is what
it's gonna cost to save it.

Wow.

Whatever you think's best.

How'd it go?

I'm stuck
in a passionless marriage.

Aah! Ow!

Come on!

I decided not to warn him.

This sucks!

I need Grayson to care about
what's going on in our lives.

All I ever wanted
was to grow old with someone

and argue with them
while we drink wine.

Sounds like us.

What do you say
we pack it all in

and become big ol' dykes?

No, not yet. But I like to know
that choice is out there.

- Stay skinny just in case.
- Deal.

I need you to use your power
to get Grayson involved.

Start a fight between us.

My power is strong.

It's like a wildfire.
I can't control it.

I need this, Ellie.

Hey, ladies.
It's your lucky day.

I've been doing a lot
of back work lately,

so I'd like you to meet
The Truth's new sidekick...

Justice!

The Truth...

and Justice!

What a team.

So, dime-eyes,

don't you think it's weird...

that Jules didn't take
your last name

when you guys got married?

I mean, Cobb's not even
her maiden name. It's Bobby's.

That sounds like
a fun conversation. Bye.

Mm.

Some fight.

Just you wait.

He's gonna think about
it, drop everything, and kaboom.

By the way,
your ass is looking tight.

Calm down.
We're not there yet.

All right.

Name?

I said "name."

Ron Mexico.

I want to hang out with a guy
named Ron Mexico.

Hey, you want to come
watch me bust up a meth lab?

Hell, yeah, Ron does!

Well, let's do it.

And then he took me
on a ride-along.

I was like
a kid in a candy store.

Where'd you go?

A candy store.

They're often covers
for meth labs.

"Ron Mexico"
is the manliest name ever,

like Joe Montana
or "Wrath of Khan."

I was "Ron Mexico" all morning,
and it was amazing.

Girls were giving me
their numbers,

I got a bunch of new people
wanting golf lessons.

Hell, I even made
some new friends at AA.

Wait. You went to AA?

Ron did.
He went in for free coffee,

and next thing you know,
he's telling his life story.

Hey, did you know that our gang

shares a lot
of the characteristics

with the people
of that organization?

Nah.

Choose between booze
and your marriage right now.

That's too easy.

I don't want you to use
the name "Cobb" anymore.

Ka-boom.

Ugh.
Wade hasn't texted me back.

It's driving me nuts,
not knowing if he's okay.

This is worse
than that one time

I had to wait an extra week
to get my STD results

because they had to have
specialists weigh in.

Come on, Wade.
Where are you?

Okay, you know what?

Prove your superpower thing
to me.

You see those guys over there?

What kind of vibe
you getting off them?

Okay.

The guy on the left

actually wants to bang
the guy on the right.

Wow.

That's how Andy
looks at my dad.

No.

God, I wish I knew
what my superpower was.

We could totally find it.

Trust me, Trav.

It's in here.

You just have to believe.

Believe in what?

I don't know, dude.

It just seemed like
a cool thing to say.

You know, Jules, traditionally,
a woman would take

her current husband's
last name.

Well,
that's a stupid tradition.

It's like not wearing white
after labor day

or chasing pigs into town

to see if it's gonna be
a long summer.

Cracker alert.

There's nothing wrong
with the name "Jules Ellis."

If a piano was falling
and people yelled,

"Move, Mrs. Ellis!"

I wouldn't turn because
I'm not used to that name.

Your name could kill me.

Strong argument!

If she was a roadrunner.

You know, this wouldn't be
a big deal, Jules,

if you were just keeping
your maiden name.

Yeah, that would be ridiculous.
Then her name would be Jules--

You know the rule.

You say it out loud,
we're no longer friends.

May I please say something
that it rhymes with?

No.

Flenis.

Look, my business
is Jules Cobb Real Estate.

I can't just change it
on a whim.

A whim is trying a new flavor
of ice cream

or that thing you did
with your thumb last night,

which by the way,
I didn't like.

You know what?

You just lost
your new dresser drawer.

Don't you walk away from me.

This is awesome.

Okay, honey, let's figure out
what your superpower is.

Can you touch your toes
to your forehead?

I cannot.

Oh, that's a "no"
on limber man.

Bummer for the ladies.

Can you perfectly fold a shirt?

- Nope.
- Can you spot a vegan at the mall?

- No.
- If you were lost in the woods,

could you turn your pee
into drinking water?

- No.
- Will you loan me $100?

- Wait. What?
- I was trying to see

if your superpower
was unconditional generosity.

It is not.

Look, you have a baby face.

Does that do anything?

It keeps the girls away.

We will find your superpower.

And BT dubbs,

having a baby face is awesome.

Don't look a gift whore
in the mouth.

Pretty sure it's gift horse.

No, in my neighborhood,
there was this prostitute,

and she would hand out gifts
during the holidays.

She did not keep up
with her dental care, so...

Ooh.

- What's wrong?
- Do you ever get the feeling

that something really stupid's
gonna happen?

I have an announcement.

I will no longer answer
to the name "Bobby Cobb."

And there it is.

From this moment forward,
I will be known as "Ron Mexico."

Aw, man. I wanna party
with Ron Mexico.

I do, too. Let's do this.

- You can't just change your name.
- Sure I can.

Everyone's cool calling me
"Ron Mexico" from now on, right?

- I love it.
- Change approved!

Oh, if you're not gonna use
"Bobby Cobb,"

can I have your name?

Yes. No, wait.

Ron Mexico's more of
a "yeah" man, so yeah.

Bobby says he's not gonna be
"Bobby Cobb" anymore.

- Who is he?
- Ron Mexico.

Holy crap.
That's a good name.

Cobb's mine now,
baggage-free.

Problem solved.

Once again, you selfishly get

whatever the hell you want.

Ellie, this isn't fun anymore.

Turn it off.

Can't do it.

Grayson.

No, no, look, you don't like
changing your name?

I don't like wearing
my wedding ring. Yeah.

There. Now no one knows
we're married.

Fine!

Did you actually throw
your ring?

You did.

No, I didn't.

Well, who pretend throws things
to show their anger?

Lots of people.

I'll be at my old house.

Oh! Son of a-- my foot!

Who put this here?! Why would
someone put this here?!

Not the time, Tom.

I'd help Mrs. Ellis find
her ring. She's nice.

But Mrs. Cobb
is a giant chore.

Yeah, well,
sometimes Mr. Ellis cries

when he makes love.

Yeah, me, too.

Ditto. You gotta
be there emotionally.

Here you go, Jules.

You have an amazing gift.
Thank you.

Mm.

Look... all I wanted

was for you
to get into the game.

I want to know
your opinion on things.

No, you don't.

You just want me
to argue with you

but still get your own way.

Look...
my ex, Vivian, and I--

we used to fight
about everything.

Neither one of us
would ever back down.

Look where that got us.

I... I don't want that
to happen to you and me.

Keep whatever name you want.

Bobby...

we need to talk.

Bobby.

Ron.

Yep.

"Ron Mexico"
is a majestic name,

but what's wrong
with "Bobby Cobb"?

Ron!

Oh, crap!
That's my sponsor from AA.

Ron, I'm just
checking in on you.

Are you living
on this boat, Ron?

Because that is...
that is heartbreaking.

Chick is a buzz kill.

Hey, shut it,
you greasy booze bag.

Let me give you
some money for a hotel.

I'm good.

Though I
did spend the last of my dough

on this six-pack.

You're drinking?

Well, it is 4:00.

Okay, who wants to help
figure out Trav's superpower?

Is it
that you can't not hug him?

- Well...
- Oh, I hope not.

What's all this?

Well, I'm trying to make
a new last name

out of "Ellis" and "Cobb."

"Clobeblis"?

Sounds like
high-cholesterol medicine.

"High blood pressure?
Try Clobeblis."

Oh, it's Wade. Baby?

I don't know what to do
because I love my last name,

but I want
to make Grayson happy.

Just have sex with him.

He said out loud to his mother.

I mean, it's how you can
solve any problem, right?

You're a genius.

Oh.

There's your superpower, kiddo.

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's a kid
who gets his mom laid.

Come on!
Don't dump mine out.

I'm not the one
with the fake problem.

Do you know what kind
of person Ron Mexico is?

Not really, no.

You should've listened
to him speak.

You know, before the devil juice
stole his soul,

he jogged across America?

He got shot in the buttocks
in 'Nam.

He worked on a shrimp boat.

So... he's Forrest Gump.

Well, there are
some similarities.

Ah, listen, dude, if I was
Bobby Cobb at that meeting,

you know what I woulda said?

I peaked in college, I drive
a golf cart instead of a car,

and I live
on some old crusty boat

that's so full of spiders,
it's like a spider nursery.

Oh, also my wife divorced me

and ended up marrying
one of my best friends.

You know, and sometimes
late at night,

after killing
the last of the day's spiders,

I lie in bed wondering
if I'll ever be more

than what I already am.

So you're not Ron Mexico?

Hello.

I'm Bobby Cobb,

and unfortunately,
I'm not an alcoholic.

Wade's okay.

Well, that's good news.

You know, I was so busy

trying to figure out
your superpower

that I didn't have time
to worry about him.

You did that on purpose,
didn't you?

That's crazy.

That's it.

That's your superpower.
You're selfless man.

Whether it's sending your mom
off to strudel

or distracting me...

you always put
everyone else's happiness

ahead of your own.

Selfless man.

It's not gonna sell
a lot of comics.

I think it's really sweet.

I'm getting a weird vibe.

What are you writing
with your tiles?

Don't worry about it.

Look, stop using your powers
on me, witch.

I want to see.

Get outta here!

Look, I know you challenged
your ex-wife,

and you guys fell apart.

But we're different.

How?

We're better.

Everybody out!

The bar is closed.

No, no, you can't
just close my bar.

We're gonna have sex.

No thumbs.

Everyone out! Closing early!

I got a full beer.
This sucks.

Did you just pretend throw
your wallet?

Oh, yeah.

Son of a bitch.
That's a real thing.

♪ The wind will come ♪

♪ the wind will come ♪

Ah!

Think we killed
all the spiders.

You know, it was nice
being Ron Mexico.

But it's like what Jerry said
at coffee bucks...

everybody knows what they're
gonna get with Bobby Cobb.

Just can't change that.

People always make the mistake
of thinking who they are now

is who they'll be forever.

Look at JK Rowling.

She was poor, struggling,

then she came up
with "Harry Potter,"

and she's a billionaire.

Please don't make me write
books about child wizards.

I'm not gonna be
very good at it.

My point is, you're Bobby Cobb.

That day could be tomorrow.

Just one-- one big idea,
one victory in your life,

and boom--
everything is different.

You really think
that's gonna happen to me?

I know it will,
and when it does,

everyone's gonna say...

"God help me, I wanna party
with Bobby Cobb."

Thanks, Andango.

Best nickname ever.

♪ And thou art the dream ♪

So we're agreed,

I keep "Jules Cobb,"

but I legally change
to "Jules Ellis"

on my driver's license.

And you promise to always
push back just a little bit?

Deal.

♪ And thou art the bean ♪

Mm.

Hey, once you
officially change your name,

would you ever let anyone
see your license?

No.

Well, would you ever let
anyone call you "Jules Ellis"?

No, no.

But you could.

Okay.

Mmm.

♪ Ron Mexico ♪

♪ Ron Mexico ♪

♪ He's loved and he's lost,
but he's never longed ♪

♪ He travels the world
righting wrongs ♪

♪ He's American-born,
100% male ♪

♪ He's got the heart of a lion
and the dong of a whale ♪

♪ He's tan and strong
with honey-hued hair ♪

♪ When he wants a fish,
he takes it from a bear ♪

♪ He doesn't need a helmet
to breathe in space ♪

♪ He traveled back in time
to punch Hitler in the face ♪

♪ He knows karate
and even kung fu ♪

♪ but he's charming enough
to co-host "The View" ♪

♪ He's Ron Mexico ♪

♪ Ron Mexico ♪

♪ Ron Mexico ♪

♪ Ron Mexico ♪

♪ Ron Mexico ♪

♪ Ron Mexico ♪