Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 13 - The Criminal Kind - full transcript
Grayson is crushed after seeing harsh reviews on Yelp.
How great is it that we finally
have a TV in the bedroom?
What's the opposite of "great"?
You were right.
He smells good.
Step off.
So, what did you guys think
of the 1985 classic
"The Breakfast Club"?
"Classic"?
No one switched bodies.
And why does every movie and TV
show need so much voiceover.
I mean, I hate thinking.
Why do I want to listen
to someone else do it?
Voiceovers are
a great storytelling device.
You can get out
exposition fast,
plus you get to see
inside a character's head.
That's so stupid.
Is this my life now--
hanging out with the gang,
having a son
who's gone off to college
but, for some reason,
spends most of his time
with me and other adults?
Still, I feel like there's
a new experience for me
just around the corner.
I wonder what's gonna happen
this week.
_
You guys, I can do the thing
Molly Ringwald does
with the lipstick in her cleavage
when I'm wearing a low-cut top.
Wait, who's this?
Okay, they're all talking
about "The Breakfast Club."
Get in there, but make it
sound smart. And go.
I thought it sucked.
Nailed it!
- What?!
- Have you lost your mind?
He gave us the brat pack,
Jules!
It was so dramatic.
When you're a kid, your problems
aren't that important.
I don't know.
I feel pretty lucky to be alive.
So many close calls
when I was younger.
I didn't know
what it was called at the time.
But when I was 14,
I got waterboarded.
Obviously,
I've been arrested a bunch--
once for impersonating a cop,
once for assaulting a cop,
once for trying to have sex
with a cop,
which ironically is called
a 10-69.
It's not that funny.
Oh, honey,
I don't think any of us here
have had such a criminal past.
Uh... what I'm about to say
deserves historical
preservation.
It is Tuesday, April 2nd.
"I agree with Jelly."
When I was a kid, I got
in lots of trouble with the law.
I got busted
being a male escort.
No sex, just over-the-clothes
stuff, you know?
I shot someone.
I wish I had a funny follow-up, but I don't.
He didn't die, though.
I hate being the odd man out.
Say something.
I don't always wear my seatbelt.
But, whatever. I don't care.
Yes, you do, you liar.
"Burn in hell, you sad,
desperate, skank."
- Texting your mom?
- Yeah.
But I'm also gonna
cut and paste it
to whoever wrote this nasty
yelp review about Krazy Kakes.
- Yelp, huh? What do they say
on there about gray's pub? - No.
If the internet has taught me
one thing,
it's that you don't read
your own reviews.
Also, don't Google your name
with the safe search off.
I once got drunk and gave
this interview to Vi magazine
about how Dr. Dre was
the black Phil Collins.
Not everything
that I said made sense.
Also, I was topless.
I ain't "scurred."
Okay, first review--
"Princess Bridezilla."
Ugh!
She is the worst!
"Gray's Pub. Good food.
Great drinks"-- score.
"Too bad the bartender is
an obnoxious dick"?
Are you okay?
Please. Like I care about what
some internet jackass thinks.
The whole world hates me!
It's 'cause I'm fat and gross.
I've been thinking--
I grew up on a farm.
And before I knew it,
I had Travis.
So you know, if my life
didn't get in the way,
- I could have been a badass
like you guys. - Oh.
I love her for letting
that "badass" comment slide.
I bet she thinks
I'm gonna let
that "badass" comment slide.
You're not a badass.
If we knew each other
when we were 16,
and I asked you to drive
the getaway car
while I stole a case of vodka--
which happened--
what would you have said?
At 16?
I would have said I'm not gonna
drink my dreams away.
Because you're
a goody-two-shoes.
I'm not
a goody-two-shoes.
Oh, please. I bet you
cannot even make a crank call.
Watch this.
Oh, hello? Uh, is
your refrigerator running?
What? Oh,
they turned your power off?
I know.
The economy is really tough
on everyone.
My work here is done.
As usual,
nothing too interesting
happening over here
in The Sea Story.
- Never is.
- This is true.
Yeah, and I'm starving.
Oh, well,
that explains why I'm famished.
Oh, with people I'm close to,
I'm an empath.
Just nod. Someone will
explain what "empath" means.
I feel what everyone else
is feeling.
Bobby gets hungry, I get hungry.
That's what an empath is,
Trav--
- someone who gets hungry
when you get hungry. - Close.
Hey, Trav.
I saw you from the beach.
Want to go
grab some fro-yo?
No, I don't think
I'm up for it.
Okay. Bye.
Why was she so bummed out?
She wanted to hook up.
"Fro-yo" means casual sex.
Oh!
Makes sense because Riggs asked
for Greek yogurt the other day
and then she put her thumb
in my butt.
I do not like Greek yogurt.
You know,
I think I'm just tired
of running around
with random girls.
I mean, it was fun
for a few months,
but eventually
sport-humping randos
starts to feel a little empty.
Oh, that settles it.
He's not my son.
Good for you, buddy!
Respect.
God, I am bored.
Maybe I should ruin
Grayson's day.
Oof!
This comment says
the d-bag bartender is so vain,
he probably works out
behind the bar.
How do you do that and keep
your upper-body so still?
It's all about core strength.
- No!
- Okay.
See, you're obviously
a giant bitch,
but I'm getting bashed
and I don't say
anything mean to anyone.
You don't have to say anything.
The contempt is
all over your face.
With you,
it's all about "the look."
Oh, God, the look!
It's like staring
into two tiny pools of judgment.
Exactly!
Ellie and I are a team.
The sexual tension
has never been stronger.
You can try to hide it,
but face it-- you are a hater.
And every single person
in this bar
knows exactly
what you're thinking.
That's absurd.
Hey, can I get a beer?
Sure thing, Jerry.
Nice tank top.
You might want to bring
your chest along next time.
You know what?
Forget it.
- That was it.
- It's the look.
Okay, great.
Yeah, I will leave a key
in the mailbox,
and you and your family
can come shower.
Bye.
Damn it!
Ellie is right-- I don't know
how to get in trouble.
Don't bum out, Jules.
Not everyone is blessed with
our God-given lack of judgment.
Look, if you want to stir up
some trouble, we can help.
I'm 43. What the hell kind
of trouble can I get into?
My hospital has
all the ingredients you'd need
to cook
some grade-A crystal meth.
Just FYI.
I'm not gonna steal drugs, Tom.
But you could steal
something small.
I'll come with!
I need a new hairdryer.
Ooh! If we go
to a grocery store, I'm in.
I'm starved.
- Let's do this!
- Yeah!
Hey, where you guys going?
We're going to rob
a grocery store!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Have fun!
Okay, I'm about to break
the law. Act natural. Cool store.
I can't wait to get all
the stuff I need and pay for it.
Are you okay?
I have to pee again.
Is that a camera?
Pretty sure
it's a sprinkler head.
J-bird,
I'd love to stay
and watch you pull
your first Schneider, but--
- What's that?
- It's a buddy of mine who steals a lot.
- Oh. - But I can't do anything
until I eat something.
Oh, crap,
that's the store manager.
He looks pretty sharp.
Uh, hey, champ, someone just
dropped a whole carton of eggs
in the dairy section.
Go clean it up.
All right. Geez.
Here you go, beautiful.
People think I'm a dick?
Fine. I'll just fake it
and act nice.
Here's the flaw in your plan--
watch this.
Tom, I am so happy that
you're part of our gang now.
- Wow. Really?
- No.
See? I have the ability
to say things I don't mean.
You don't.
That's not something
to be proud of.
Sure it is.
Tom, didn't you feel good
when I said that?
It was amazing.
For a moment there, I felt
like my wife was alive again.
You're welcome.
Now you say something nice
to Dr. Bullethead.
Tom, you are...
Come on, man.
Let it out.
I got nothing.
Man, I need someone to talk to.
What about Andy?
Eh, he probably doesn't want to
be bothered.
I see you looking.
Please come over
and talk to me.
Please? Please?
Andy, you got a sec?
Oh, wow.
Not really, Trav,
but I'll make one for you.
Remember that girl at the boat?
Well, I ran into her
at a barbecue,
and I was feeling lonely,
so... I took her home.
Aw, yeah!
But when things started
to heat up, I couldn't...
y-you know,
m-my guy, he wouldn't...
- I couldn't get it up!
- Ha ha!
I'm so sorry, kiddo.
That-- that's tough.
My dad would say it's no biggie
and tell me to
tape chopsticks to it, so...
Look, it's no big deal.
Huge deal.
It's gonna be okay.
Really?
No.
Relax.
You can steal something.
Lord knows you've stolen
plenty of hearts.
Good one.
I should tell Laurie.
This should be easy.
I've stolen plenty of hearts.
Wow.
Pretend you didn't hear that.
Look, I know you're nervous,
but stealing is all instinct,
like breathing
or having sex on a bike.
Okay. Say I want to steal
this lip balm.
I casually grab it, I check it
out, but, no, I changed my mind.
I'm gonna put it back.
Or did I?
So all shoplifters
are magicians?
Okay,
well, I can't be discreet.
You know, I'm loud.
I like attention.
I mean, look at the cleavage
I'm rocking.
I could put a frisbee in there.
So shove a frisbee in there
and let's get going.
I get why you're nervous.
I never had the stones
to Schneider anything.
You're stealing food right now.
That is not true.
I will not leave the store
with any of this.
Well, that's airtight
Bobby Cobb logic right there.
Hey, you're out of limes.
- Whoa, yikes!
- What the hell is that?
From now on, my customers,
I'm gonna have
a good-natured smile on my face.
What do you think?
"Hi.
May I wear your skin suit?"
Maybe you'll seem less creepy
if you think of something
that actually makes you happy.
Remember when you were a model?
Good times.
I'm still pretty hot.
Damn it, I'm proud of my body.
I'm proud of my butt.
Feel your butt.
That's your property.
It's not weird.
I don't know
what you're thinking,
but it's like watching
a gay porn
with just one dude in it.
Ah. There's the hate-filled look
we've all grown to love.
I've got to go.
I owe Andy an afternoon quickie.
He told my cousin I died
so I wouldn't have to go
to the baby shower.
That's sweet.
I don't get it.
Why isn't it working?
Quick, what was the
BS you told Trav?
This happens to every guy.
It's no big deal.
Huge deal!
Don't be upset, Boo.
Don't get me wrong--
this still counts
'cause I'm ready and able.
But if you can't do it,
that's on you.
Come on!
Seriously, come on!
I have sympotence!
- What?
- Sympotence!
You-- you couldn't get it up,
and I'm an empath--
sympathy impotence--
sympotence!
I didn't know
you had people over.
All right,
I'm going for the lip balm.
I'm going to casually walk
over there and take it.
- Then I'm gonna Tom Cruise-sprint
the hell out of here. - No, honey.
I want you to act like you did
when Travis was born.
Remember?
You told me
that he had a little cough
and they wouldn't let you
see him right away.
Right.
So you want me to be quiet
and stealthy.
No one will know
I'm taking my baby.
Okay. This is a go.
Can't do it.
I was so close.
My heart was beating so fast,
I just panicked.
I have to pee again,
worse than ever.
Excuse me!
Can I look in your purse?
Of course you can.
I tried to steal something,
but I couldn't.
I'm gonna try again later.
Not here. Maybe.
Oh, no, no.
That's-- that's not mine.
I told you I needed
a new hairdryer.
Right this way, ladies.
Oh!
Grocery-store jail?
Seriously?
And that's when I knew my life
would never be the same.
How can you be so calm?
They're calling the cops.
They're gonna take us downtown!
You know, I can't ride
in the backseat. I get carsick.
Insane, desperate thought
coming in three, two, one...
How far are you willing to go
sexually to get us out of here?
I say third base is
where I draw the line.
High-school third base
or naked-backstage-at-coachella
third base?
Well, they both sound horrible.
PS-- Mumford
is a very classy guy.
The "Sons" -- not so much.
Come on, Richard,
I'm still digesting!
I mean, technically everything
is still in the store.
What's she doing?
If you don't want to
be someone's bitch,
you've got to get ripped.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Look, not all bartenders
are well-liked.
Why are you even here?
Hmm?
All I ever wanted was a little
place with my name on it
where people liked to hang out.
Is that all you ever wanted?
Oh, my God.
If I knew you'd be
such a giant wuss about this,
I would have never written
that stuff.
You're Princess Bridezilla?
Why? Why--
why would you torture me?
Eh. Andy needed a break.
We're surrounded by a sea
of nice people--
Jules, Trav, Andy.
We're the only ones
that hate people for no reason.
The gang needs us.
We balance them out.
I do feel better about myself
when I'm judging others.
It works for you.
I think it's kind of sexy.
Yeah?
Yeah. I'd do you.
You know, if Jules and Andy died
in a car crash.
Or if just Jules died.
Just be who you are.
Thanks.
- Excuse me! Those grapes aren't free.
- Sorry.
Sorry you're a grown
man who wears a name tag.
I didn't mean to go back to
your original self that second.
Shh! There's no talking
in grocery-store jail.
You haven't stopped
since we got here.
I found an old box
of old pudding cups.
Anybody want in?
I wonder if this
is the worst moment
of my life this year
or if it's
the worst moment ever.
So, let's talk about what's
going on with you, sexually.
Ever.
Okay, we fix you, we fix me,
right?
So I called in a doctor.
Hey, Trav.
All right, lose the pants.
Let's see the noodle.
I couldn't even steal
lip balm. I'm so lame.
I bet everyone's thinking
about what a dork I am.
I wonder if Trav's butt
is more pale
than the rest of his body,
but is that even possible?
Man, I shouldn't have
eaten so much of that tuna fish
and those puddin' cups,
and then they're
to nothing rum-a-tums.
What the hell did I just think?
Wow. I wish I had
Bobby's beautiful eyes.
His eyes with my face and body
would cause
a total panty tsunami.
I love all these people so
much, but I'll never tell them.
I love you, too, Ellie.
All right, people,
apparently the police
are too busy to come down.
They don't have time
for grand theft grape? Shocking.
You're all free to go
after you write an essay,
describing to me
who you think you are
and what gives you the right
to steal from my store.
Richard,
thank you for being so kind.
Store this moment away,
Richard.
Take it out
and play with it later.
You hugged him?
Man, you really are
a goody-two-shoes.
Or am I?
I stole his pen!
I did it!
I stole something!
Oh, honey, good for you.
- Whoo!
- ♪ Come see about me ♪
Physically, he's fine.
By the way,
nice to meet another guy
whose bacon hangs
left of his eggs.
We should start a club.
Oh, well, it was probably
just a one-time thing.
Go find one
of your nerdy gal pals
and see if you can get
that hobbit saber to fire up.
Look, I tried playing the field,
and after a while,
it just didn't feel good,
so now I don't feel anything
for anybody.
What about Laurie?
No, it just...
took me a year
to bury those feelings,
and I don't even want to think
about her.
If you have real feelings
for someone,
you can't just shove them
in a deep, dark place
and hope they go away.
You're gonna have to deal
with them.
♪ Don't you forget about me ♪
Look at it.
This pen is totally worth
how hard Richard pressed
against me when we hugged.
Um, hey, I still don't get it.
Why was it so important to you
to steal something?
I don't know.
Come on, Jules.
This is the end of this week's
adventure. Sum it up.
The truth is, getting married
and having a kid so young,
I just always felt like
I missed out on so much.
Took me forever
to find the courage
just to take chances--
whether it's trying to do
something that I've never done
or-- or saying something
that I've always wanted to say,
or... doing something crazy
for love.
I promise you this--
the only things
you will ever regret
are the things
that you didn't do.
♪ Down, down, down, down ♪
Dear Mr. Vernon,
we accept the fact that
we had to spend a whole day
in grocery-store jail
for whatever it is
that we did wrong,
but we think you're crazy
for having us write an essay
telling who we think we are.
You see us
as you want to see us--
in the simplest terms.
But what we found out
is that each one of us
is a goody two-shoes...
♪ As you walk on by ♪
And a freeloader...
And a dick--
a handsome dick...
And a fire starter...
♪ As you walk on by ♪
And a criminal.
♪ When you call my name ♪
Hey.
Look, listen--
don't interrupt me
because if I don't say this now,
I never will.
Um...
I like you.
Like, I really like you.
Me, too.
So, now what?
♪ I say la ♪
♪ la la la la, la la la la ♪
Sincerely yours,
the grocery-store club.
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ doing it our way ♪
♪ never gonna
let them take control ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ and we're doing it our way ♪
♪ giving it everything, whoa ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
have a TV in the bedroom?
What's the opposite of "great"?
You were right.
He smells good.
Step off.
So, what did you guys think
of the 1985 classic
"The Breakfast Club"?
"Classic"?
No one switched bodies.
And why does every movie and TV
show need so much voiceover.
I mean, I hate thinking.
Why do I want to listen
to someone else do it?
Voiceovers are
a great storytelling device.
You can get out
exposition fast,
plus you get to see
inside a character's head.
That's so stupid.
Is this my life now--
hanging out with the gang,
having a son
who's gone off to college
but, for some reason,
spends most of his time
with me and other adults?
Still, I feel like there's
a new experience for me
just around the corner.
I wonder what's gonna happen
this week.
_
You guys, I can do the thing
Molly Ringwald does
with the lipstick in her cleavage
when I'm wearing a low-cut top.
Wait, who's this?
Okay, they're all talking
about "The Breakfast Club."
Get in there, but make it
sound smart. And go.
I thought it sucked.
Nailed it!
- What?!
- Have you lost your mind?
He gave us the brat pack,
Jules!
It was so dramatic.
When you're a kid, your problems
aren't that important.
I don't know.
I feel pretty lucky to be alive.
So many close calls
when I was younger.
I didn't know
what it was called at the time.
But when I was 14,
I got waterboarded.
Obviously,
I've been arrested a bunch--
once for impersonating a cop,
once for assaulting a cop,
once for trying to have sex
with a cop,
which ironically is called
a 10-69.
It's not that funny.
Oh, honey,
I don't think any of us here
have had such a criminal past.
Uh... what I'm about to say
deserves historical
preservation.
It is Tuesday, April 2nd.
"I agree with Jelly."
When I was a kid, I got
in lots of trouble with the law.
I got busted
being a male escort.
No sex, just over-the-clothes
stuff, you know?
I shot someone.
I wish I had a funny follow-up, but I don't.
He didn't die, though.
I hate being the odd man out.
Say something.
I don't always wear my seatbelt.
But, whatever. I don't care.
Yes, you do, you liar.
"Burn in hell, you sad,
desperate, skank."
- Texting your mom?
- Yeah.
But I'm also gonna
cut and paste it
to whoever wrote this nasty
yelp review about Krazy Kakes.
- Yelp, huh? What do they say
on there about gray's pub? - No.
If the internet has taught me
one thing,
it's that you don't read
your own reviews.
Also, don't Google your name
with the safe search off.
I once got drunk and gave
this interview to Vi magazine
about how Dr. Dre was
the black Phil Collins.
Not everything
that I said made sense.
Also, I was topless.
I ain't "scurred."
Okay, first review--
"Princess Bridezilla."
Ugh!
She is the worst!
"Gray's Pub. Good food.
Great drinks"-- score.
"Too bad the bartender is
an obnoxious dick"?
Are you okay?
Please. Like I care about what
some internet jackass thinks.
The whole world hates me!
It's 'cause I'm fat and gross.
I've been thinking--
I grew up on a farm.
And before I knew it,
I had Travis.
So you know, if my life
didn't get in the way,
- I could have been a badass
like you guys. - Oh.
I love her for letting
that "badass" comment slide.
I bet she thinks
I'm gonna let
that "badass" comment slide.
You're not a badass.
If we knew each other
when we were 16,
and I asked you to drive
the getaway car
while I stole a case of vodka--
which happened--
what would you have said?
At 16?
I would have said I'm not gonna
drink my dreams away.
Because you're
a goody-two-shoes.
I'm not
a goody-two-shoes.
Oh, please. I bet you
cannot even make a crank call.
Watch this.
Oh, hello? Uh, is
your refrigerator running?
What? Oh,
they turned your power off?
I know.
The economy is really tough
on everyone.
My work here is done.
As usual,
nothing too interesting
happening over here
in The Sea Story.
- Never is.
- This is true.
Yeah, and I'm starving.
Oh, well,
that explains why I'm famished.
Oh, with people I'm close to,
I'm an empath.
Just nod. Someone will
explain what "empath" means.
I feel what everyone else
is feeling.
Bobby gets hungry, I get hungry.
That's what an empath is,
Trav--
- someone who gets hungry
when you get hungry. - Close.
Hey, Trav.
I saw you from the beach.
Want to go
grab some fro-yo?
No, I don't think
I'm up for it.
Okay. Bye.
Why was she so bummed out?
She wanted to hook up.
"Fro-yo" means casual sex.
Oh!
Makes sense because Riggs asked
for Greek yogurt the other day
and then she put her thumb
in my butt.
I do not like Greek yogurt.
You know,
I think I'm just tired
of running around
with random girls.
I mean, it was fun
for a few months,
but eventually
sport-humping randos
starts to feel a little empty.
Oh, that settles it.
He's not my son.
Good for you, buddy!
Respect.
God, I am bored.
Maybe I should ruin
Grayson's day.
Oof!
This comment says
the d-bag bartender is so vain,
he probably works out
behind the bar.
How do you do that and keep
your upper-body so still?
It's all about core strength.
- No!
- Okay.
See, you're obviously
a giant bitch,
but I'm getting bashed
and I don't say
anything mean to anyone.
You don't have to say anything.
The contempt is
all over your face.
With you,
it's all about "the look."
Oh, God, the look!
It's like staring
into two tiny pools of judgment.
Exactly!
Ellie and I are a team.
The sexual tension
has never been stronger.
You can try to hide it,
but face it-- you are a hater.
And every single person
in this bar
knows exactly
what you're thinking.
That's absurd.
Hey, can I get a beer?
Sure thing, Jerry.
Nice tank top.
You might want to bring
your chest along next time.
You know what?
Forget it.
- That was it.
- It's the look.
Okay, great.
Yeah, I will leave a key
in the mailbox,
and you and your family
can come shower.
Bye.
Damn it!
Ellie is right-- I don't know
how to get in trouble.
Don't bum out, Jules.
Not everyone is blessed with
our God-given lack of judgment.
Look, if you want to stir up
some trouble, we can help.
I'm 43. What the hell kind
of trouble can I get into?
My hospital has
all the ingredients you'd need
to cook
some grade-A crystal meth.
Just FYI.
I'm not gonna steal drugs, Tom.
But you could steal
something small.
I'll come with!
I need a new hairdryer.
Ooh! If we go
to a grocery store, I'm in.
I'm starved.
- Let's do this!
- Yeah!
Hey, where you guys going?
We're going to rob
a grocery store!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Have fun!
Okay, I'm about to break
the law. Act natural. Cool store.
I can't wait to get all
the stuff I need and pay for it.
Are you okay?
I have to pee again.
Is that a camera?
Pretty sure
it's a sprinkler head.
J-bird,
I'd love to stay
and watch you pull
your first Schneider, but--
- What's that?
- It's a buddy of mine who steals a lot.
- Oh. - But I can't do anything
until I eat something.
Oh, crap,
that's the store manager.
He looks pretty sharp.
Uh, hey, champ, someone just
dropped a whole carton of eggs
in the dairy section.
Go clean it up.
All right. Geez.
Here you go, beautiful.
People think I'm a dick?
Fine. I'll just fake it
and act nice.
Here's the flaw in your plan--
watch this.
Tom, I am so happy that
you're part of our gang now.
- Wow. Really?
- No.
See? I have the ability
to say things I don't mean.
You don't.
That's not something
to be proud of.
Sure it is.
Tom, didn't you feel good
when I said that?
It was amazing.
For a moment there, I felt
like my wife was alive again.
You're welcome.
Now you say something nice
to Dr. Bullethead.
Tom, you are...
Come on, man.
Let it out.
I got nothing.
Man, I need someone to talk to.
What about Andy?
Eh, he probably doesn't want to
be bothered.
I see you looking.
Please come over
and talk to me.
Please? Please?
Andy, you got a sec?
Oh, wow.
Not really, Trav,
but I'll make one for you.
Remember that girl at the boat?
Well, I ran into her
at a barbecue,
and I was feeling lonely,
so... I took her home.
Aw, yeah!
But when things started
to heat up, I couldn't...
y-you know,
m-my guy, he wouldn't...
- I couldn't get it up!
- Ha ha!
I'm so sorry, kiddo.
That-- that's tough.
My dad would say it's no biggie
and tell me to
tape chopsticks to it, so...
Look, it's no big deal.
Huge deal.
It's gonna be okay.
Really?
No.
Relax.
You can steal something.
Lord knows you've stolen
plenty of hearts.
Good one.
I should tell Laurie.
This should be easy.
I've stolen plenty of hearts.
Wow.
Pretend you didn't hear that.
Look, I know you're nervous,
but stealing is all instinct,
like breathing
or having sex on a bike.
Okay. Say I want to steal
this lip balm.
I casually grab it, I check it
out, but, no, I changed my mind.
I'm gonna put it back.
Or did I?
So all shoplifters
are magicians?
Okay,
well, I can't be discreet.
You know, I'm loud.
I like attention.
I mean, look at the cleavage
I'm rocking.
I could put a frisbee in there.
So shove a frisbee in there
and let's get going.
I get why you're nervous.
I never had the stones
to Schneider anything.
You're stealing food right now.
That is not true.
I will not leave the store
with any of this.
Well, that's airtight
Bobby Cobb logic right there.
Hey, you're out of limes.
- Whoa, yikes!
- What the hell is that?
From now on, my customers,
I'm gonna have
a good-natured smile on my face.
What do you think?
"Hi.
May I wear your skin suit?"
Maybe you'll seem less creepy
if you think of something
that actually makes you happy.
Remember when you were a model?
Good times.
I'm still pretty hot.
Damn it, I'm proud of my body.
I'm proud of my butt.
Feel your butt.
That's your property.
It's not weird.
I don't know
what you're thinking,
but it's like watching
a gay porn
with just one dude in it.
Ah. There's the hate-filled look
we've all grown to love.
I've got to go.
I owe Andy an afternoon quickie.
He told my cousin I died
so I wouldn't have to go
to the baby shower.
That's sweet.
I don't get it.
Why isn't it working?
Quick, what was the
BS you told Trav?
This happens to every guy.
It's no big deal.
Huge deal!
Don't be upset, Boo.
Don't get me wrong--
this still counts
'cause I'm ready and able.
But if you can't do it,
that's on you.
Come on!
Seriously, come on!
I have sympotence!
- What?
- Sympotence!
You-- you couldn't get it up,
and I'm an empath--
sympathy impotence--
sympotence!
I didn't know
you had people over.
All right,
I'm going for the lip balm.
I'm going to casually walk
over there and take it.
- Then I'm gonna Tom Cruise-sprint
the hell out of here. - No, honey.
I want you to act like you did
when Travis was born.
Remember?
You told me
that he had a little cough
and they wouldn't let you
see him right away.
Right.
So you want me to be quiet
and stealthy.
No one will know
I'm taking my baby.
Okay. This is a go.
Can't do it.
I was so close.
My heart was beating so fast,
I just panicked.
I have to pee again,
worse than ever.
Excuse me!
Can I look in your purse?
Of course you can.
I tried to steal something,
but I couldn't.
I'm gonna try again later.
Not here. Maybe.
Oh, no, no.
That's-- that's not mine.
I told you I needed
a new hairdryer.
Right this way, ladies.
Oh!
Grocery-store jail?
Seriously?
And that's when I knew my life
would never be the same.
How can you be so calm?
They're calling the cops.
They're gonna take us downtown!
You know, I can't ride
in the backseat. I get carsick.
Insane, desperate thought
coming in three, two, one...
How far are you willing to go
sexually to get us out of here?
I say third base is
where I draw the line.
High-school third base
or naked-backstage-at-coachella
third base?
Well, they both sound horrible.
PS-- Mumford
is a very classy guy.
The "Sons" -- not so much.
Come on, Richard,
I'm still digesting!
I mean, technically everything
is still in the store.
What's she doing?
If you don't want to
be someone's bitch,
you've got to get ripped.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Look, not all bartenders
are well-liked.
Why are you even here?
Hmm?
All I ever wanted was a little
place with my name on it
where people liked to hang out.
Is that all you ever wanted?
Oh, my God.
If I knew you'd be
such a giant wuss about this,
I would have never written
that stuff.
You're Princess Bridezilla?
Why? Why--
why would you torture me?
Eh. Andy needed a break.
We're surrounded by a sea
of nice people--
Jules, Trav, Andy.
We're the only ones
that hate people for no reason.
The gang needs us.
We balance them out.
I do feel better about myself
when I'm judging others.
It works for you.
I think it's kind of sexy.
Yeah?
Yeah. I'd do you.
You know, if Jules and Andy died
in a car crash.
Or if just Jules died.
Just be who you are.
Thanks.
- Excuse me! Those grapes aren't free.
- Sorry.
Sorry you're a grown
man who wears a name tag.
I didn't mean to go back to
your original self that second.
Shh! There's no talking
in grocery-store jail.
You haven't stopped
since we got here.
I found an old box
of old pudding cups.
Anybody want in?
I wonder if this
is the worst moment
of my life this year
or if it's
the worst moment ever.
So, let's talk about what's
going on with you, sexually.
Ever.
Okay, we fix you, we fix me,
right?
So I called in a doctor.
Hey, Trav.
All right, lose the pants.
Let's see the noodle.
I couldn't even steal
lip balm. I'm so lame.
I bet everyone's thinking
about what a dork I am.
I wonder if Trav's butt
is more pale
than the rest of his body,
but is that even possible?
Man, I shouldn't have
eaten so much of that tuna fish
and those puddin' cups,
and then they're
to nothing rum-a-tums.
What the hell did I just think?
Wow. I wish I had
Bobby's beautiful eyes.
His eyes with my face and body
would cause
a total panty tsunami.
I love all these people so
much, but I'll never tell them.
I love you, too, Ellie.
All right, people,
apparently the police
are too busy to come down.
They don't have time
for grand theft grape? Shocking.
You're all free to go
after you write an essay,
describing to me
who you think you are
and what gives you the right
to steal from my store.
Richard,
thank you for being so kind.
Store this moment away,
Richard.
Take it out
and play with it later.
You hugged him?
Man, you really are
a goody-two-shoes.
Or am I?
I stole his pen!
I did it!
I stole something!
Oh, honey, good for you.
- Whoo!
- ♪ Come see about me ♪
Physically, he's fine.
By the way,
nice to meet another guy
whose bacon hangs
left of his eggs.
We should start a club.
Oh, well, it was probably
just a one-time thing.
Go find one
of your nerdy gal pals
and see if you can get
that hobbit saber to fire up.
Look, I tried playing the field,
and after a while,
it just didn't feel good,
so now I don't feel anything
for anybody.
What about Laurie?
No, it just...
took me a year
to bury those feelings,
and I don't even want to think
about her.
If you have real feelings
for someone,
you can't just shove them
in a deep, dark place
and hope they go away.
You're gonna have to deal
with them.
♪ Don't you forget about me ♪
Look at it.
This pen is totally worth
how hard Richard pressed
against me when we hugged.
Um, hey, I still don't get it.
Why was it so important to you
to steal something?
I don't know.
Come on, Jules.
This is the end of this week's
adventure. Sum it up.
The truth is, getting married
and having a kid so young,
I just always felt like
I missed out on so much.
Took me forever
to find the courage
just to take chances--
whether it's trying to do
something that I've never done
or-- or saying something
that I've always wanted to say,
or... doing something crazy
for love.
I promise you this--
the only things
you will ever regret
are the things
that you didn't do.
♪ Down, down, down, down ♪
Dear Mr. Vernon,
we accept the fact that
we had to spend a whole day
in grocery-store jail
for whatever it is
that we did wrong,
but we think you're crazy
for having us write an essay
telling who we think we are.
You see us
as you want to see us--
in the simplest terms.
But what we found out
is that each one of us
is a goody two-shoes...
♪ As you walk on by ♪
And a freeloader...
And a dick--
a handsome dick...
And a fire starter...
♪ As you walk on by ♪
And a criminal.
♪ When you call my name ♪
Hey.
Look, listen--
don't interrupt me
because if I don't say this now,
I never will.
Um...
I like you.
Like, I really like you.
Me, too.
So, now what?
♪ I say la ♪
♪ la la la la, la la la la ♪
Sincerely yours,
the grocery-store club.
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ doing it our way ♪
♪ never gonna
let them take control ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ and we're doing it our way ♪
♪ giving it everything, whoa ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪