Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 12 - This Old Town - full transcript

An elderly couple offers to buy Grayson's house in exchange for becoming part of the gang. Bobby renames his boat, and Travis looks for a new Penny Can partner.

You guys are gonna watch TV

and let me do the dishes
even after I made dinner?

(TV playing indistinctly)

Picked up dinner.

Fine. Ordered dinner,

- and then Grayson picked it up.
- I ordered dinner.

Oh, no one cares.
Now help me do the dishes.

We can't. "Rudy" is on.

If the end comes on

when Rudy finally gets
in the game,

you just gotta stop
and watch. It's epic.



Well, what if made doing
the dishes epic?

(Jerry Goldsmith's
"The Final Game" playing)

(Men chanting)
Travis! Travis! Travis!

- You're in!
- Yeah?

Travis! Travis! Travis!

- What do I do?
- Stay in!

Travis! Travis!

He's so little!



(Cheering)



(Cheering continues)

(Music stops, cheering fades)

Great job!
Now let's go clean that garage!



4x12
This Old Town

You should buy this house.

It is a perfect home
for newlyweds to start a life.

Was the previous owner
happy here?

It was actually my husband,

and he was happy
for many years,

although he spent most of them
as a man-whore.

What?

- She says her husband's a man-whore.
- Ah.

He can barely hear,
but I married him

because he's good in the sack.
(Laughs)

(Clicks tongue) Oh, you heard
that, didn't you, Norman?

We really want to belong
to a neighborhood.

We don't want to be
the old folks

that nobody talks to.

Anne, I live right there.

I promise you, we will
welcome you with open arms.

Then we'll buy it.

- Ah.
- What's going on?

They bought the house.

Is this your husband?

Oh, God, no.

I mean, I wish.
(Chuckles)

(Anne laughs) I'll take it.

Mm. I gotta go.

I told the kids at surf camp

to tread water
until I got back.

You've been here an hour.

(Laughs) (Laughs)

I'll smell you later, Goose.

Thanks.

(Chuckles)

The "Top Gun" high five
is our thing.

Plus Goose and Maverick
can't kiss.

Well, if they did, it'd be
a more honest movie,

now wouldn't it?

Look, I'm having a blast
with Riggs.

You know, we surf, we fish.

I bet she doesn't like
to hang out at the beach

and throw jellyfish
at each other.

Did you know the lifeguard
told us not to do that anymore?

That's what makes it so fun.

Aww, look at you, all jealous.

You know, that's the problem

with naming my boat
"Jealous Much?"

It's a self-fulfilling
prophecy.

Ando, I'd hang out
with you this week,

but I know
you're afraid of snakes.

Lately, you're doing this thing

where you make a giant leap
and skip over info I need

to understand
what you're talking about.

(Laughs) Right. Sorry.

You remember when the city
had that rat problem,

and they brought in all
these snakes to eat the rats?

I still don't think
they should've

dropped them in
from a helicopter.

But that snake rain
looked cool as hell.

- Yeah.
- Now there's too many snakes,

and they can't find
anything to eat them.

The city's paying $2
for every snake you catch.

Well, have fun with Riggs.

Hey, come on, man.

This could end up being great
for you, too.

Someday we're gonna be chillin'

on our own private island,

wondering if we should take
the yacht out or not,

and then some little
native boy's gonna come up

and say, "Mr. Bobby,
how did you make your fortune?"

And I'm gonna say, "snakes.

Snakes did this."

(All speaking indistinctly)

(Tings) So, guys,

this morning I found some
red lint in my belly button.

Now I have not worn
a red shirt in, like, forever.

You can only ting your glass

when you have something
important to announce.

Like...
(Tings)

I'd like to congratulate
my wife

on selling my house.

- Huzzah!
- Good job.

Thanks, babe,
but I'm still gonna ting

when I want people
to pay attention to me.

Change approved!
(Sighs)

By the way,
I promised our new neighbors

we would hang out with them.

I'm not doing that.

Don't look at me.

I don't want to meet
new people.

I currently only like
one person that I hang out with.

That's me, right?

Uh, yeah.

Cool. (Chuckles)

So what do you want me to do,

just hang out with
really old people by myself?

It's not that bad.
I do it all the time.

Which reminds me, we're having
a penny can contest

at our house Friday.

$500 prize.

I want that cash.

And I need a good partner,
so...

If I'm your ringer,
do we split the cash?

No, I'm using the winnings
to buy a screen-used prosthetic.

Third boob from "Total Recall."
What up?

If only I were 21 again
so I could not date you.

If I was your partner,
could I stay late

and become friends
with all of your friends?

A resounding "no."

My fifth stepdad
was actually a drug mule.

Oh, we went on
so many vacations to jungles

in teeny tiny airplanes.

How are you not dead?

5 bucks she's been
pronounced dead more than once.

Three times.
I drowned body surfing.

One time I bled out.
Boring story.

And once at a rave,
I got poisoned

when a glow stick
exploded in my mouth.

But they always bring me back.

You can't kill Laurie.
(Laughs)

I need a partner
for a penny can tournament.

I'm gonna say no.
You wanna know why?

- What about you, Laurie?
- 'Cause you're mean to me.

I'm gonna pass, but have fun.

Okay. No biggie.

(Chuckles)

What are you doing?

Everyone knows you have
a thing for him.

You should go for it.

Usually when I like a guy,
I just jump him.

But with Travis,
there's just too much at stake.

I have to know that we're
compatible as a couple

before we're a couple.

That's impossible.
So just go to the party.

It doesn't mean
you have to sleep with him.

(Laughing) Go to a party

and not sleep with someone?
Come on.

I guess afterwards, I'll just
go to the post office

and not mail anything.

You dummy.
(Continues laughing)

My mistake.

All right.
I went and bought

some high-end
snake-catching equipment.

These are snake sticks.

And these are
snake-containing units.

How are you for blasting off
tomorrow morning around 5:00?

5:00 AM?

(Laughs) Oh, come on.
I'll make you breakfast.

You are crashing here, right?

About that--
I-I just never know

if I'm supposed
to crash here or not.

Are we just hooking up

or are we, like,
boyfriend/girlfriend?

Look, I am having
such a great time with you.

If it's okay, can we keep
things the way they are?

No problem.

Boo!

(Exhales)

(Chuckles)
So I thought about it,

and even though
I am scared of snakes,

I am in.

What's the worst
that could happen?

Well, you could fall
on a bunch of 'em,

and one could get spooked
and crawl up your butt

and build a tight
little nest up there

and start to have babies.

But that's the worst thing
that can happen.

Why do I have to sit back here?

Ellie called permanent shotgun

eight years ago.

Yeah, suck it, dime eyes.

What difference
does it make, anyway?

Well, Tom's lying in my lap.

Well, I don't know
where we're going.

I want it to be a surprise.

Where are you taking us anyway?

Just trust me.

I promise, you'll all love it.

We're all hanging out
with the McCormacks.

- Hi!
(Ellie) - You promised we'd love it.

I didn't say that.

- You did.
- Yeah.

Come on.
It's gonna be fine.

They're not that old.

It's only 4:15.
What are we even gonna do?

We're eating dinner.

Ugh!

Uh, no, thanks.

I have to be a doctor
pretty early in the morning.

Are you operating
on someone young

or an oldie who's just
taking up space?

I guess one more glass
wouldn't hurt.

(Tings)

Did we enjoy eating dinner
in the afternoon?

You can't ting your glass
just to ask a question.

Really?
I-I feel like I just did.

I liked eating early.

I'm just not sure
what I'm supposed to do now.

I know.

I've eaten.
I've had my wine.

Grayson even tricked me
into having morning sex,

so that's off the list.

I did the old
"ask to shower with her

so we can just talk" trick.

Classic, Grayson.

It's 6:45. I bet Anne and Norman
are going to bed.

So old.

Be older. (Chuckles)

Should we do that?

- I could sleep.
(Yawns) - I'm really sleepy.

(Yawns) Maybe a cat nap.

Hello.

What's going on?

Get outta here.
It's bedtime.

It's still light out.

What's all the ruckus?

Nothing, babe.
Go back to sleep.

We'll see you in the morning.

Okay, when we see one,

two of us are gonna shoo him,

and the other person's
gonna grab him,

put him in the bag.

I can't touch a snake.
They freak me out.

How do they move so fast
without feet?

Their feet are
actually in their stomach.

I don't think that's true,

but I-I can't
pick one up either.

Well, I can't be the grabber.

The only thing that scares me
more than snakes are werewolves.

And fortunately,
they're just in Europe.

In my dreams, they talk to me

with a snake lisp.

(Lisping) "Riggs.

I see you when you sleep.

I'm crawling on your face."

(Hissing) Snake!

(All scream)

We only caught
three damn snakes.

Aah! Aah!

What's say we tie this up
for fun?

I need cash, so I'm changing
the name of my boat.

You're info leaping again.

Sorry. None of
my get-rich-quick schemes

have been working lately.

It's been a shock to all of us.

I know.
Anyway, I believe

changing things up
can change your luck.

And I hate the name
of my boat, so...

What's wrong with
the "Jealous Much?"

People see a guy
living on a boat

in a parking lot,
and believe it or not,

they're not that jealous.

- Come on.
- Really?

Plus, I have all these
hipster d-bags

thinking I'm being ironic.

(Laughs) I'm never ironic.

What about your
"I hate Tuesdays" shirt?

I do hate Tuesdays.

Start of a work week.
(Thud)

Plus my brother died
on a Tuesday.

I didn't know
you had a brother.

Yeah, he died in the womb.
We were twins.

I was staring at him
right in the face.

That's my first memory.

But you can't rename your boat.
It's bad luck.

It's worse than having sex with
white guys after labor day.

No, it's bad luck

if a captain changes the name
of his boat.

That's why I want you two
to do it.

I'm gonna pass.

First you won't play
penny can with me,

now you won't rename a boat?
Come on. It'll be fun.

Okay. Sure.

This is probably

the best Tuesday I've ever had.

I wish you could see it,
Donnie Cobb.

So, uh, how'd that surgery go?

(Door opens)
Well, uh, he's alive.

(Door closes) I'm not clear
why you had to thank us.

Oh, last night, we all
went to bed before 7:00,

and we feel amazing.

So I started thinking,
why fight aging?

Why not embrace being old
like you two?

I feel like we're not
that old. (Chuckles)

We're just all jealous.
I mean, look at you,

wearing your reading glasses
around your neck, all proud.

I haven't been able
to read a menu

in six years.

I just always order steak.

That could not
be good for me, Anne.

You know what I love?

Old guys don't have to
listen to anyone.

Whenever there's a pause,

Norm just throws us a wink,
like he's listening.

Right, big guy?

(Clicks tongue) You see?

Was he listening?
Was he not? Who cares?

It's gold!

And there's always
such a draft in here.

(Singsongy) How great would
it be to wear a cardigan?

Yeah.

(Jules) Holy crap, that's soft.

Guys, it's almost 4:00.

Let's all go have dinner.

What do you say?
(Clicks tongue)

(Laughs) I'm looking for a "yes"
or a "no," Norm. (Clicks tongue)

We're still tuckered out
from last night.

Right, hon? (Laughs)
(Chuckles)

Thanks, though.

(Jules, Ellie, and Ann) Bye.
(Clicking tongue)

There's just so much stuff
you can get away with

when you're older, like bad driving...
(Door closes)

and being a little bit racist.

Watching "NCIS".
I want it all.

Oh, we could call it
the "Pair-A-Dice."

You know, make it a pun.
Paint two dice on the back.

(Laughs)

I hate myself.

Why is it so hard
to think of boat names?

Let's try word association,
okay?

I say "boat," you say...

Havasu, spring break, '03.

I funneled a pitcher
of peach daiquiris

and then boned
the backup fiddle player

for the Dave Matthews Band.
(Gasps)

Okay, well, unfortunately,

we can't call it the "SSTD".

I got it!

We'll call it
"The Sea Story."

Boom!

Maybe.

The ocean is right there.

Everything that happens
on this boat

is a sea story.

You and me
sitting here talking,

we're in a sea story right now.

Right, but just because
you say we've got the name

doesn't mean
we've got the name.

Okay, is this what our
dynamic is going to be like?

I get excited about something,

and then you just
crap all over it?

Let's not get crazy.

No, I just don't know
if I can exist

in a world where everything
is a struggle, Travis.

I'm not sure what's going on,

so I'm gonna go find a partner
for the penny can tournament.

No, no, no, yeah.
You-- you go. Walk away.

Go have fun with your whores.

What are you talking about?

I don't know!

Where's Trav been lately?

He's over in "The Sea Story."

He and Laurie
are renaming my boat,

and I think that's
the name as of now.

I like it.
You know, you and I spend

more time in "The Sea Story"
than anyone.

And nothing of great consequence
ever happens there,

but damn it,
we always have fun.

I can't believe
that we only made 6 bucks

on our first snake haul.

I've been thinking.

If I want to make any cash,

I really think it's only
a 2-person gig.

(Gasps) Pick me!
I'll let you keep the money

and I'll grab the snakes.

I will not grab the snakes,

but afterwards,
I will grab yours.

(Laughs) She's talking
about my ding-dong.

(Mouths word) Unfortunately,

I will never, ever
hold a snake,

so I'm just gonna
have to go with Ando.

Yeah! (Singsongy) That's right.

He's my man.
(Laughs)

(Normal voice) - I'm just kidding.
- Mm-hmm.

But seriously, he is.

(Laughs)

(Sighs)

We made that
early bird special our bitch.

I know. I got so many
compliments on my sweater.

Do you like it, Ellie?

(Clicks tongue)

Did she just old-man wink me?

- She did.
- Hmm.

Hey, before we went to dinner,

did it feel like
Anne and Norman blew us off?

Nah. They're just tired.

I'm sure they're
already in bed. (Chuckles)

Well, you were right.

Is this not our house?

Nice try.

Gave it a shot.
(Laughs)

(Kiss)

Okay, I'll let you choose.

Should I be angrier that
you had sex in my bed

or that you blew me off?

I don't blow people off.

Sex freak it is.

Can you really be mad at me?

No.

You want a glass of wine?

Oh, it sounds lovely,
but the bottle's empty.

Norman and I killed it
before we got our nasty on.

(Chuckles) Of course you did.

We used to live
in a retirement community,

and they made us feel so old.

We just sat around
doing nothing.

We even bought a rascal scooter

so we could shop at the mall.

(Gasps) Sit-down shopping
sounds amazing.

We came here
to be around young people,

and you seem to have
already given up.

I mean, you-- you barely
leave the Cul-De-Sac.

Hey.

Last week, my stupid husband
made me play dodge ball,

and I got hit in the face.

Yeah, that's what stuck, Anne.

You leave the house,
you get hit in the face.

And I don't see how having
a few early dinners

means I've given up.

But that's how it starts.

The second you're okay
with feeling old,

you never feel young again.

"Rage, rage against
the dying of the light."

That's beautiful.

Did you make that up?

You don't read much, do you?

I try not to.

It means, you never stop
fighting against getting old.

(Footsteps approach)

Norman won't get out
of our jacuzzi tub.

Oh, I-- I'll go get him.

Anne, do not
get in there with him.

Fine. Hmm.

Ya-hoo!

Bobby, get the bag!
Bobby, get the bag!

- Bobby, get the bag!
- Wh-- wh--

Whoo-ooh-ooh!

- Okay, okay.
- Oh!

Hey, man. It's pretty badass
that you stopped crying.

I think I may
just be out of tears.

Hey, why did you pick me
instead of Riggs?

I know people say

that redheads
are shady and shiftless--

They do?

I do. Still,
I know you like her.

Yeah, well, I like her a lot.

I just get worried
that if we get serious,

I'll just screw it up
like I always do.

So you're not going for it
because you're afraid?

Lame!

Buddy, I'm out here
touching snakes for you.

You can get over any fear

if you really care
about somebody,

even a ginger.

(Exhales deeply)

Shouldn't you be getting ready
to play penny can

with a bunch of
oiled-up chicks in bikinis?

That's exactly what
my parties are like,

except no bikinis
and all dudes.

(Laughs)

Here.

I thought we could use this

till we actually
paint it on the boat, so...

Really?

Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry
I got carried away.

I can go from zero to crazy
pretty fast.

You know, you don't
have to get crazy with me.

I mean, we're so tight,

there's nothing we can't
work out together.

Okay.

Anyway, I gotta go get
tampons for Sig.

He's so stressed
about penny can,

he got a violent nosebleed.

So, uh... bye.

Bye, Travis.

Hey, guys.

You want to go do something?

Not ever.

Nah. Let's just stay here.

Okay? Ellie, will you
pass me the wine?

(Clicks tongue)

Did you just old-guy wink me?

Are you still talking?

Look, I want to stay in, too.

But Anne said that we need to,

"rage, rage against the machine

and no matter what,
stay away from the light."

What?

See, that's why I don't read,

because I can't
retain anything.

Oh, my goodness.

It's almost 4:30.
Where did the day go?

Okay, do you guys want
to go get some dinner?

- Shotgun.
- Permanent!

If they don't have that soup,
I'm gonna be pissed.

- Quiet down, backseat.
- Don't "quiet down, backseat" me.

You can't just call
for eight years.

- You just can't call front seat.
- Yes, I can.

- No.
- I called it.

- There's no shotgun.
- You weren't even ar--

(Tings) Why do you even
have that in the car?

It's my "be quiet" glass.
I'm taking it everywhere.

You just passed the restaurant.

(Clicks)

Oh, no. Are we
being kidnapped again?

I hope so.

Nerd.

Oh, I can tell you're bummed

because you bought that sad box

with a hunk of cheese,
a sliced apple,

and a hard-boiled egg.

It's just
an apple-and-cheese box.

Found the egg.

Oh, score.

Hey, listen,
I want to apologize

for not picking you
to go snakin'.

It's no big deal if you wanna
just keep things casual.

Oh, damn it.

Thought it was hard-boiled.

Well, that's the risk
you take with street eggs.

Look, I don't want us
to be casual.

I was just scared.

Hey, why are
your pockets moving?

(Chuckles) Well, normally,

I'd have a funny answer
in the boner arena,

but I'll hold off since
I'm making a romantic gesture.

Lisa Riggs...
(Patrons gasp)

I will hold snakes for you.

(Laughs)

Coming through. Oh.
Hey, guys. Thanks for coming.

Yeah. What?

(Pennies clanking)

Your nose is still bleeding?

(Nasal voice) No,
I wear this to get chicks.

All right, move it, Sig.

I'm his partner.

Thank God.
I'm light-headed.

(Laughs)

(Chuckles)

You ready to kick
some ass or what?

Are you kidding?
This is gonna be epic.

("The Final Game" playing)

(Pennies clanking)





(Clanks)

(Whooshes)

(Clanks)

Not in the face!

Ohh.





On your left!
Coming through.

I love this!

I'm never walking again.

Does this count
as drinking and driving?

Good question.

Let's get off the street.

(Honking horn) Excuse me.

Whoo-hoo.

Whoo! I love it!