Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 14 - Don't Fade on Me - full transcript

Okay, Big Lou has called
the meeting to order.

Thank you, my friend.

Mmm.

Okay, we need to talk about
our vacation to the Bahamas.

Can we talk about how we
all spend every second together,

so it's insane for us
to also travel together?

All in favor of Grayson
not being able to speak anymore?

- It passes.
- Yeah, but--

Zip it. Okay,
we're leaving in three days.

We need to decide
whether we're gonna invite Tom.

He is part of the gang now.



On the other hand, he's Tom.

With the combo
of our booze intake

and our general poor judgment,

I think having a doctor around
is a pro. [ Clicks tongue ]

True. But warning--
I am horrible at small talk.

You do not want to sit
next to me on the beach.

- Sweetie, I'd let other people do the cons.
Andy: - Pro-- he's eager to please,

so you know he'll wake up early
and get pool chairs.

Con-- he's Tom.
I know I already said this.

But I think
it's worth mentioning twice.

I've always wanted to go
to the Bahamas.

Interestingly, for years,
the country's principal industry

was ship salvaging.

That is
some God-awful small talk.



See, there I go.
I got to say, it's a toss-up.

- Yeah, 50/50.
- Not to me.

- Welcome aboard, buddy.
[ Chuckling ] - Yeah, man!

- Huzzah!
- Cheers.

_

Nice shoes.
Did you make them?

Sit down, have some coffee,
then be horrible.

All right.

Dad, we don't need you
to stay over.

We just need you to water
the plants while we're gone.

Yeah, but I want to stay.

This weekend,
Gulfhaven is hosting

a Clint Eastwood movie marathon
and a soup festival.

There's gonna be old people
everywhere.

Aww, so you're gonna be trolling
for some old ladies,

aren't you, daddy?
[ Chuckles ]

I hope I get some rest
on this vacation.

Lately, I've been sleeping
like a baby.

Oh, you poor thing.

Sleeping like a baby
is a good thing.

Babies wake up every 10 minutes,
hungry and screaming.

That is not restful.

No, no, no, no,
don't do that thing where

you take a well-established
saying and then change it to...

Where's Ellie?

Change approved!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

What are we looking at?

I wish you had a TV in here.

This is awkward.

Yeah, yeah.
This is what awkward... is.

What's the big deal?

We've hung out on my bed
a million times.

Well, now that we've both said
that we liked each other,

I mean, it's out there.

[ Chuckles ] This is
practically our first date.

God, why am I so nervous?

You know, maybe we should
just watch a movie

and hang out
like we normally do.

- Good call.
- Thank God. [ Sighs ]

Hey, and for the record,

I wore underwear tonight
so you'd think I was classy.

No, you didn't.

I didn't.

Turns out,
I don't actually own any.

It's hard to walk around
holding a bunch of cakes,

so we decided that a "cakewalk"
is something that's hard to do.

Someone in a funk, they need
to be "slapped out of it."

And since "slim chance" means
that it probably won't happen,

"fat chance" means
that it definitely will.

Oh, and also you know
how getting your ass kicked

always sucks?

Well, anything that's
really terrible "kicks ass."

- That makes sense.
[ Chuckles ] - It doesn't.

Dad, this is
our new neighbor, Anne.

- Oh, hello.
- Hello, back.

Aren't you lovely.

I'm actually staying here
all week.

- Dad, she's married.
- I'm having a nap.

Oh, I need to go, too.

I have to pick up
a case of whiskey.

Oh, yeah, my girl can party!

No, it's for a funeral.

- I feel terrible.
- It was my good friend.

Colon cancer got him.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- That kicks ass.
- Stop.

Thank you.

The sad part is,

had he gone to his doctor
for regular checkups,

they could have caught it.
[ Chuckles ]

Bye.

[ Sighs ] Bye.

What, are you sad
because of Anne's friend?

No, dummy, she's sad
because in the last two seconds,

she's decided her dad's gonna
die of some terrible disease.

- Right, sweetie? - There's just
so much I should have told him.

I know. I'd be so much
of a better husband than you.

You're lucky you have a penis.

Yeah, they're pretty cool.

What are you doing?

You know, they got a lot
of great deals on new cars.

Do you have any money?

I do not.

You know,
I got a slightly-used BLT,

and I'd love to get into a Monte Cristo.
[ Barking ]

Why do you want a car? What's
wrong with your golf cart?

Oh, you know, it's a little
too small for certain things.

I can't feel my legs.
How much further to the ken--

No, no, no, no!
Whoa!

Dog Travis will bolt

if he hears that we're heading
to the K-E-N-E-L.

Think you're giving him
too much credit.

This dog is a genius, bud.

They spelled "kennel" wrong.

[ Whimpers ]

Aw!
My fault for saying it.

Hey.
Got you a Bahama hat.

Cool.
Am I joining a boy band?

♪ Hee hee ♪

Whoo! [ Chuckles ]

Am I too pretty
to be the tough one?

I never know what the hell anyone's
talking about around here. [ Chuckles ]

Why are y'all going
to the Bahamas anyway?

Nothing to do there
but sit around and drink.

Yeah, we'll try to make
the best of it.

I always dreamed about
going to see Hollywood.

Hollywood--
bunch of loser wannabe actors,

sending out their lame
homemade video reels

to casting agents [Chuckles]

who never even call them back.

Dad, someone really close to
Anne just recently passed away.

- Her husb--
- Not her husband.

- Thank God. - I mean, how hard
is it to make one phone call?

"Look, your video reel
was fine-- okay?--

but maybe concentrate
on modeling for now."

I will take that hat
back so fast.

Anyway, when is the last time

that you went to the doctor
and got checked out?

Had to be about five years ago.

Good night, June-bug.

Are you already
in your crazy place?

Yeah.

Is it something that wine
could solve?

Maybe if it's Big Lou.
But hurry.

Look, just think
happy thoughts, okay?

Like me in my hat [Chuckles]
or my boy band, yeah.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Ooh, that could be
our first single.

[ High-pitched voice ] ♪
Everything's gonna be okay, girl ♪

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

♪ Girl ♪

[ Sighs ] You were taken
too soon, Big Lou.

I'll miss you.

Should we pour some out
for our homey?

Mm.

What the hell are they doing?

- Wineglass funeral.
- Hmm.

It's only weird
the first time you see it.

This is like my fourth one.

Yeah, first time as a murderer.

[ Chuckles ]

- Ohh!
- For Lou.

For Lou.

- Ohh!
- For Lou!

You all had rings on!

[ Chuckling ] Promise me you'll all
sock him like that when I die.

Yeah, about that,
you need to get a checkup, dad.

Why? All my parts
are still working.

I'm able to pee
once every six or seven weeks.

That's a joke.

Honey, look, I'm an old man.

If I go to the doctor, they're
gonna find something wrong.

I'd just rather skip all that,

keep on whistling
past the graveyard.

That sound good,
June-bug?

No.

[ Chuckles ]

You tried.
That's all you can do, right?

We're gonna get him
to the doctor before we leave,

or we're not going
on a vacation.

Fantastic.

Hey, last night was
your first date, wasn't it?

How was your first time
as lovers?

Please don't say it like that.

Well, now I'm only gonna say it
like that.

Come on, talk.
Did you guys...

[ Imitates
bedsprings squeaking ]

Slappidy, slappidy,
slappidy, slappidy.

Honk-honk. Bl-bl-bl!

You two are having fun,
aren't you?

- Yes!
- Uh-huh, yeah.

Lovers.
[ Grunting ]

Look, I know we all
tend to talk about everything,

but, uh, we're not gonna discuss
our relationship with you.

It was supes awkward, you guys.

Or we are.
I changed my mind.

It's just really hard to go
from being regular friends

to being "eee-eee, slappidy,
slappidy, honk, honk" friends.

Jules and I were friends first.

Of course, my flawless body

helped us
get over any awkward parts.

- Oh.
- You guys will make it. I promise.

Or you won't,
and you'll be doomed.

Thanks.

Doomed as lovers.

[ Smooching ]

Hey, thanks for watching
Dog Trav for me.

No problem.

Thank you for not talking
too much about your trip

- so I don't get jealous.
- Sure.

You know, it's been hard,

because the Bahamas
are gonna be awesome!

Ando, can you believe
that we're going?

- No!
- Yay!

[ Both laugh ]

- Oh, I got us these shirts made.
- Ooh, ooh!

"Ba-Homies."

- Ba-Homies!
- Whoo! Sweet!

- Anyway, Dog Trav can be tough
to connect with. - Dogs love me.

He's not just
some dopey nut-licker. You know?

For DT to love you, he must
know that you're pure of heart.

Let's start
with a trust exercise

so he knows that you're
not afraid to be vulnerable.

Tell him
your most embarrassing secret.

Okay...

I'm lactose-intolerant.

[ Sighs ]

Well, somebody's
clearly holding back.

Come on, try again.
Dig deep.

We can't just drive Chick
to the doctor.

We need a fake story.

Like, where's someplace
he really wants to go?

Thailand.
Right, too far.

Oh, a bikini contest!

Right, because we live

in a straight-to-video
"National Lampoon" movie.

No one's dumb enough to believe
we're going to a bikini contest.

Bikini contest? When, where,
and how much are the tickets?

And if they're too pricy,
is there some sort of

hole-in-the-fence situation
where we can watch for free?

I don't know
how much the tickets are,

but they can't be too much,
can they?

Wait. Is this contest real
or made-up?

We're taking Chick
to the doctor.

Can I still go
to the bikini contest?

Well, I'm sure we can stop there
after the doctor's office.

There is no bikini contest!
Slap out of it!

Baby, you're sounding
just like us.

Yes, you've made me dumber.
Congratulations.

I hope dad's not too mad when he
finds out where we're taking him.

Quick hint-- when Dog Travis
ran away at the kennel,

he would have come back
if I had a biscuit.

So just make sure you keep
some of Chick's favorite treats

in your pocket,
just in case he bolts.

You're insane.

And this is coming from someone
who just made up,

and then forgot she made up,
a fake bikini contest.

I know my dad hates the doctor,
but he's not a dog.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Dad, wait!
I have treats!

Werther's!

Show me.

Damn it.

Did you ever think about how
our first kiss would go down?

A million times.

Tell me.

I think I'd rather show you.

Okay.

[ Computer beeps ]

So, a few years ago,

I shot a video of you and Smith
kissing in the plaza.

I imported it into after effects
and digitally removed Smith--

which, if you've
ever rotoscoped before,

you know this a nightmare.
[ Chuckles ]

All I got to do is step up here
to the old green screen.

Uh, just keep watching
the monitor.

Okay.

Just slide right in here,
and kiss you.

[ Smooches ]

And I just now, this moment,
am realizing how creepy this is.

[ Chuckles ]

No one's ever made me
a stalker video

that I didn't have to see
in a courtroom first.

I love it.

[ Sighs ]

You know, maybe, um...

maybe you should tell me

how you thought
our first kiss would go,

and, uh, I'll make it happen.

I thought
we'd be all dressed up.

I thought we'd be
out under the stars.

And then we would hold
each other...

and lean in.

[ Floorboards creak ]

And then I would notice all your
weird roommates staring at us.

Seriously, Garrett?

When I saw my dad in New York,

ice-skating with that same woman
and her kids,

I asked him point-blank,

"Dad, do you have
a whole other family

that mom and I
don't know about?"

[ Laughs ]

Oh, that means,
"Thank you for sharing."

Hey, dummy.
The other one.

We have to leave soon.
You haven't packed for me yet.

We have to get Dog Travis
and Riggs to fall in love.

And I need to stop betraying
my mom with my silence.

I can't help you, but I can
speed you two geniuses up.

Dogs can't feel love.

That giant thing has a tiny,
tiny pea-brain.

Oh, Ellie.

You're so smart
with human stuff,

but you're so dumb with dogs.

Game on.

Call your dog.

Show me your love
for each other.

Come on, buddy!

Come give me
a face full of kisses,

you big, beautiful bastard.

Hey, dumb animal...

steak.

[ Whimpers ]

Dog Trav, no!

Who held your paw
when they took your nuts?

I mean, what we have is real!

[ Whimpers ]

He loves me.

This sucks.

We need to leave
for the airport in a few hours,

and we haven't even packed yet.

Calm down.
We're gonna find him.

We just need to
look for something

with gray hair and a sweater.

What the...

Eastwood.

Soup.

Right.

Hey, Grayson,
what did you do today?

"Oh, me? Not much. Just waded
through 10,000 geezers,

searching for an insane old man

who turned into a dog
when he saw a doctor's office."

All right, that's it.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Listen up, old people!

Uh, Mr. Eastwood
would like to speak!

What are you doing?

Just go with it.

[ As Clint Eastwood ]
Make my day.

Hello, Chair.

[ Cheering ]

Thank you.

Listen, dad, I know you're here,
and I know what you're wearing!

You got to help me.

She wants to take me
to the doctor.

I have werther's now!

If you're standing near my dad,

would you please
raise your hand!

I'd have made the same choice.

[ Growling ]

- Did Grayson ask you to tend bar
while he's gone? - No.

We have to get
some plane drinks in us

before we get our plane drinks.

What can do you for,
her-dee-der?

How about a true friend?

Or a love that I can believe in?
You have that behind the bar?

You did this.
Are you happy?

I literally
cannot stop smiling.

My best friend in the world only
cares about his own needs, man.

He was just using me for food
and after-dinner butt scratches.

You and Andy have
an intense relationship.

He was talking
about Dog Travis.

But I've walked in on
those two doing weirder stuff.

- No, you haven't.
- No?

Should I describe the time
I walked in

and you guys were re-enacting
the pottery scene from "Ghost"?

I've told you, we've
never even seen that movie.

He just wanted help
making a vase.

You guys want to sit
over there?

No, we're fine holding him.

Let's just get this over with.
Check me out, sawbones.

Of course, Chick, but I'm
not sure why we're doing this.

You were here last month
for a full physical. Remember?

- Oh, that's right.
- We talked about how

you were starting to have
some memory problems.

I told you
they'd find something.

- All right.
- Mmm.

- I'll see you in a few days.
[ Sighing ] - Yeah.

All right, I'm leaving now.
Going on my trip.

You know, I could die out there,
you know?

Jet-ski accident,
a booze-cruise fire.

My heart could explode
from a too-tight banana hammock.

This could be the last time
you see me.

Fine. Whatever, dog.
Later.

[ Sea Wolf's "Old Friend" plays ]

[ Dog Travis barking ]

[ Tires screech ]

Oh, you think you can fix it
just like that, huh?

Aww, I love you,
you son of a bitch!

♪ Old friend, come back home ♪

♪ even though
you always were alone ♪

♪ you had to push
against the fates ♪

Yeah, I love you, too.
I love you, too.

What are we gonna do with us?

[ Whimpers ]

♪ Just to make it,
make it through the gate ♪

Laurie: Hey.

- You all packed?
- Yeah.

I can't believe
we're going on vacation

with the stupid first-kiss thing
still hanging over our heads.

Maybe we should just make out
right now and get it over with.

Turn around, Garrett.

I don't even care
if they watch.

You know,
I once made out with a girl

in front of like
a hundred dudes.

But, in my defense, one of them
had bought me a shot.

No one's ever paid me
for kisses...

except for my mom.

But, uh, you know,
end of the month, rent's due,

sometimes you just got to
pucker up and--

Shut up.
I'm coming in.

♪ Old friend come to me ♪
[ Cellphone rings ]

♪ Everything I was,
I used to be ♪

Grandpa has Alzheimer's?

Yeah, he's in the early stages.

You know, I always thought
it was actually called

"old timers' disease"?
[ Chuckles ]

I mean, it makes more sense.

Change approved.

All right, look.
Let's not be sad, okay?

Dad and I talked it out.

We hugged a lot.
We cried a whole lot.

And, yes, old timers' disease
can take you like that.

But he could also be around
for another 10 years.

As a family, we decided
that we're gonna stay positive.

Since you're all a part
of my family,

I just ask that we're there
for each other

and we cherish whatever time
that we have.

Other than that,
nothing changes.

It seems
like it doesn't matter now,

but are we still going
on this trip?

Oh, right. One thing changed.
[ Chuckles ]

♪ When I believe in you ♪

Los Angeles!

I can't believe
we're actually here!

Jules: Yeah,
just like our beaches at home,

except for with smog and...
weird people.

We can do this.
Smiles for dad, y'all.

- Yay!
- Yeah!

Hollywood!
[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Jules, it's Tom in
the beautiful Bahamas,

uh, leave me a message
because I can't find you guys.

I, uh, talked
to the hotel clerk.

He said that
no one's checked in

and the rooms were canceled,

so, if you're running late,
no problem.

I'll, uh-- I'll see you soon.

Uh, if you guys played
a trick on me

and you're
not actually showing up?

Good one. [ Chuckles ]
I love when you play gags on me.

Um, call me back.

Uh-- this is Tom.

Uh, Bahamas Tom.

Uh, Tommy-Bahammy.