Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 11 - Saving Grace - full transcript

Hey, Bobby, you know how I told you
no to feed the seagulls out back?

That's why.

Sorry.

Yeah, the seagull population
in this town has exploded.

They're everywhere.

- As mayor...
- Oh!

- Mnh-mnh!
- Ugh!

- What are you doing?
- Ever since you became mayor,

you seem to really enjoy saying
"as mayor."

So I decided whenever you do it,

whoever touches their nose last
has to do the crab walk.



I don't say "as mayor"
that much.

- Op!
- Ah!

Get crabbin', bitch.

Wait.

Ooh. Ooh, this is murder
on my hammies.

Hey, guys. I just saw an amazing
documentary on tort reform.

I don't really care
about pastries, Tom.

Uh, no, no, no.
Uh, torts are a-a legal...

I don't care what
torts really are.

Oh. Okay. Uh, you want
some popcorn?

Tom, run!

Run? W-why would I, uh...

Aah! No! Stop!
Aah! Don't! Don't!

- Oh!
- Oh!



Don't! Make 'em stop! Ouch!
They're everywhere!

Hey, guys,
if you cover your eyes,

it sounds like
we're at the beach.

- Ahh.
- Ahh.

Beautiful.

_

Whoa. Wait.

What the hell? There's nowhere
to sit. This sucks.

I know! My bar is full of people
buying food and drinks.

I'm furious!

What's with that girl outside
with the huge boobs

jumping rope,
floppin' her boobies around?

- Flippity-floppity. Flippity-floppity.
- Whoa. Oh.

Wow. How did you get so good
at lying?

There's no shortcut. Just
practice, practice, practice.

All these guys play
in an adult dodgeball league.

How cool is that?

- Not.
- Uh, zero.

Donald Trump.
That means "not cool at all."

I wish we did more fun stuff.

But we do so much fun stuff.

Remember last weekend,

when we got in the pool
and we drank wine?

How cool was that?

Ted Danson.

What? Ted Danson's not cool?

He's a judge
on that new dance show called

"Can't Stop Danson."

No, he's not, 'cause that show
doesn't exist.

I'll just join
a dodgeball league

for lonely men whose wives won't
do stuff to make them happy.

Fine. Sign us all up.

Hey, buddy. What's up?

What's up? We were supposed to
meet at the boat for penny can.

I'm sorry. I was surfing
with my buddy Riggs.

Riggs?

Man, look at all these gulls.

I haven't seen this many

since the coast guard had to
explode that beached whale.

That was the saddest...

most awesome thing
I've ever seen.

Do you like Riggs more than me?

How can I say this?

Even if Riggs turned out
to be Batman,

I'd like you better.

Thanks.

You know, as mayor,
I'm pretty close

to being this town's Batman.

Damn it.

Get down, son.

Yeah!

Yeah!

You're out.

Stop practicing dodgeball on me.

You suck.

Time for family dinner.

Uh, if it's family,
then why is she here?

What am I supposed to do,
eat with Andy?

I did that yesterday.

Nice cleavage.

I did it for Jules.

Love it.

You know the drill.

Family prayer
before family food. Hands.

Okay, dear Lord,

thank you so much for
our friends and our family.

Thank you for
this wonderful food and...

- What was that?
- Hmm? Nothing.

He was all like...

Why?

You throw food at me,
you pay the price.

Bring it.

I'm gonna let that one go.

Do you have a problem
with the family prayer?

No. I mean, I don't love holding
hands with Mr. Sweaty Palms

or Lady Lizard skin...

ow!

I don't know. I guess
I just find it a little...

What word won't offend you?
Silly?

All right.

Dinner's over.

Not for you two.

You can eat in the other room.

He bailed on me for Riggs, too.
He tried to tell me

they spent two hours having
a burping contest.

Best of 3,
10-minute quarters,

pig latin tiebreaker...
it could happen.

Hey, fellas. Sorry I'm late.

I was playing cards
with my buddy, uh...

- Riggs.
- Riggs.

Yeah?

Guys, meet Riggs.

But you're... you're...
you're a girl.

Either my pecker fell off,
or you're right.

Ee!

How come when you were
hanging out with Jules,

you always look so sexy
and put together.

But when you're
hanging around here,

you look so...

- Careful.
- Pretty in a different way?

I wanna be comfy
when I'm at home.

That's my cracker pocket.

Those sweatpants are hideous.

Can't you be comfy and sexy?

I'm just gonna go down
to the make-believe store,

'cause the comfy/sexy clothes
are right next to

the condoms that are
actually for her pleasure.

I'm on my way.

I can't believe
you'd mock my prayer.

My cooking? Sure.
The way I use my finger

to get food out of the back
of my teeth,

and then use that same finger
to stir the gravy?

Mock away.

I'm really sorry.

Do you even listen to what
I'm saying when I do the prayer?

I hear you start,
and... and then I snap back

when you say, "amen."

What about the middle?

Well, that's my time.

I can still be mad
while you rub my feet.

I thought we had
the same ideas on faith.

What do you believe in?

I would say...

I don't believe in anything.

- God, if he's wrong, give me a sign.
- Too late.

You have to say that before
the giant bird flies in.

All right,
welcome to dodgeball practice.

Any questions?

Ellie, what do you got?

Did you and Jules solve
your religious crisis?

We got sidetracked

trying to shoo a giant bird
out of the house.

He lives with us now.
I named him Mr. Beakington.

We also decided that
she can't be mad at me

for what I believe in.
Any other questions?

How come sometimes I can
see the Moon when it's daytime?

The rules are easy.

If you hit someone,
they're out.

But you can't hit them
above the shoulders.

So if someone throws a ball
and it hits you in the face,

I...

Correct.

That person, which in this case
is me, would be out.

Ha! Right in the puss!

Ow!

When you throw it,
give it a little heat.

Oh!

Ohh, man! Right in
the snack basket! Is that legal?

Surprisingly, yes.

I guess you're still angry
about the prayer thing?

Yep. Any believers,
help me out!

Oh!

Ow!

So, uh, how did you guys meet?

I was surfin',
and I dropped in on her.

As is custom,

I came out of the water
to a punch in the face.

I should not have popped you.

Did not set a good example

for the kids in the surf club
I was teaching.

I'm gonna get the next round.

You got yourself
a doppelganger.

Sorry. Is it peeking
out of my shorts again?

Not a word for "penis."

You two are twins.

She even wears
the same flip-flops.

Oh, those are mine.

She lost hers doing "Karate Kid"
crane kicks off the pier.

Well, I think we all know what
the next question is.

Is Pat Morita dead?

Or... when are you asking
her out?

Ha! Riggs is my buddy.
She's practically a dude.

I mean, she does have
an okay set of doppelgangers.

What?

- Little bit.
- Oh!

Are you dressing like that
in public now to punish me?

Aw, you noticed.

Hold my hand.
So if I put my hoodie up,

it'll look like you're walking
with a dude.

Wardrobe punishments?
Please.

If you really wanna
get back at a man,

scare him
with a pregnancy test.

I've got a whole box
of old positives at my house.

- You're an American treasure.
- Oh, thank you.

Why am I a bad guy

for wanting my hot, sexy wife
to show it off a little?

I mean, uh...
look at that girl.

Very classy, but those jeans
are perfect.

Wow. She's got a...
a rockin' butt.

Damn!

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no!
Oh! She's just a kid!

From the back, she looks 25,
but from the front, she's 14.

Ah, she's a 25-14.
25-14.

Oh, I feel sick.

Just this once, let it go.

I totally think
she'd give you her number.

You know, if her mom gave her
a cell phone

for emergencies or something.

Come on.

What? What's wrong?

Nothing.

I can't believe
you don't believe in anything.

I mean, even Mr. Beakington
believes

in a wind God of some kind.

- Where is that gross bird?
- He sort of took over upstairs.

That's why
we're sleeping down here.

Look, I'm glad you have
something to believe in,

but I see the world as a place
where things just happen.

We're gonna find you some faith
and jam down your throat.

Seems like a healthy approach.

Are we really having
a group discussion

about spirituality?

Last Saturday, we spent
the night debating

who would win a fight between
cartoon characters.

There's no debate!
Bugs is too crafty.

Grape Ape is 40 feet tall!

Listen!
Andy and I are religious.

But I am New England Catholic,

and he is...
Latin American Catholic.

So I pray,

and when his family wants
to talk to God,

they sacrifice a chicken.

My grandmother killed
that chicken for dinner.

She was speaking in tongues.

She was speaking Spanish!

You know, I've actually
been experimenting at school.

I totally called that!

What's his name?
Is he cute?

I meant with religion.

Aw, man! I was excited to show
you how cool I'd be about it.

My first stepdad was Jewish,

which is why I don't drive
on Shabbat.

But stepdads two through five

were Methodist, Buddhist,
quaker, and snake charmer,

so religiously, I'm, like,
one of those fountain drinks

that you just put a splash
of every soda in

until your cup is full.

Mmm. I find your belief system
delicious.

This has been very helpful.

What are you doing?

I am gonna say something
to that little hussy

who has been wagging her ass
around for Andy.

Uh? She's a kid.

She knows what she's doing.

She is flaunting it,

waiting for some wealthy guy

to take her on a shopping spree
at Claire's.

Okay, here she comes. I'm gonna
push her in the fountain.

She's, like, 14.

When I was 14, I barely...

No, scratch that. I was actually
living with a guy.

Look at her.

You're gonna look like
a psycho.

Maybe you're right.
Hello.

- Hi.
- Mm.

See? I told you.

Enjoy the view.

Your husband did.

- Damn!
- Uh...

She's got game!

- Ooh!
- Ow!

Those two are idiots.

I mean, neither one can see how
great they are for each other.

I always thought that if I could
be Bobby's perfect woman...

which is totally
cost-prohibitive...

I would be like her.

Well, I'm glad it's only
the money holding you back.

Look, we just gotta get him
to stop thinking of Riggs

as a drinking buddy and start
seeing her as a wo-man.

Oh, my God!
Please say "makeover"!

# Hey, you #

# remember me? #

# remember love? #

# remember trying
to stay together? #

# forever I try
to make it right #

# together we suck,
end in sight #

# I'm tired
of fighting the good fight #

# if you say the word,
then I'll say good-bye #

What's up, guys?

We want you to meet...

the new Riggs!

Okay, come on, Riggs.

Come on, Riggs.
Don't be shy.

That is hilarious!

That's like putting sunglasses
on a dog!

I know, right?!

- I'll see you, guys.
- Bye.

It always works in movies.

There is no way that you could
look out at all of this beauty

and not believe
in some kind of higher power.

Yeah, but, um, what's up
with all the seagulls?

They seem really focused on us.

I don't know.

What? Are you crazy?
You have crackers?

Yeah. I borrowed this jacket
from Ellie.

- Well, get rid of 'em.
- Oh. Okay.

Oh, no.

Go, Jules. Go.
Tom Cruise run!

Go, Jules, go! Go!

Go!

Tom Cruise run!

Aah!

Aah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take it easy!

Take it easy.
It's just Big Lou.

Every time I close my eyes,
I just see them everywhere.

Nope. No floor-bed for you.

You can hang out upstairs
with Mr. B.

You know, he pretends he wasn't
involved in the attack, but...

I saw Ellie's sweatshirt
in the nest he's building.

Why you mad at me?

Don't tell me you're still
on this faith thing.

Look, I'm sorry I can't just
magically start believing

whatever you do.

Do you think that
I signed up for dodgeball

because I wanted to?

You know what
my worst nightmare is?

Is it being attacked
by a thousand birds?

You know what
my other worst nightmare is?

Being hit in the face by balls.

No, no. Still too soon.

I don't expect you
to suddenly believe what I do.

But if we're really partners,

and something's
important to me,

shouldn't you at least
be open to it?

Oh.

Riggs looked awesome.
Why'd you laugh?

I always laugh
at dudes in dresses.

It's a staple
of British comedy.

But don't you see
how cute she is?

Especially after I realized that
makeup-wise, she's an autumn?

I don't really know
what's going on here,

but I think Riggs is awesome.

I just don't have the urge
to bump doppelgangers with her.

We're buds.

But wouldn't it be great
to date a buddy?

Maybe that's why

your relationships
haven't worked out lately...

you've never dated a girl
you were friends with first.

Finding a girl who just wants
to get naked and hook up...

that's awesome.

- Yeah, it is!
- Yeah, it is!

You right! You right!

Still... finding a girl

you can talk to for hours
and not stop laughing?

Somebody who already cares
enough to take a bullet for you?

That's tough to come by.

Hmm.

Wait.
What am I doing again?

You're backup in case we need
to throw a beatdown

on this girl and her friends.

What?

Oh. Can we switch places?
My girl looks like a brawler.

What do you want?

Nothin'. I'm just standing here.

You got a problem?

I don't know.
You got a problem?

Hi. I'm Mrs. Cobb.

You're really cute.

- Pfft.
- Pfft!

Oh, that is it.
It is on, ladies.

Mom!

That was the sternest talking-to
I've received

in quite some time.

She's a good mom.

When she said she was
disappointed in us,

I really felt it.

I can't compete
with a 14-year-old's butt.

I can only hope
that when she's 20,

an unwanted pregnancy
will destroy it.

What is this really about?

Well, in all the years
I've known Andy,

he's never looked at anyone
but me.

Have you...
seen yourself recently?

You're dressing like
a lady who would do stuff

for just...
a little bit of crack.

Laurie!

She's right, sweetie.

Andy worships
the ground you walk on,

but you gotta try a little.

Uh...

what is this,
lined with crackers?!

Since we've only practiced once,
I have to ask...

has anyone ever died here
playing dodgeball?

Just once, but not in a game.
The roof collapsed.

They fixed it.

My brother-in-law worked
on the new roof,

and he's a complete idiot.

All right!
Let's kick some ass!

There you go.

Uhh!

This is so Trump, you guys.

Everyone ready?!

Oh, will you give me one sec?

Is that for me?

Enjoy the view.

On my whistle!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Out!

Uhh!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

I hate this!
I hate this!

Out!

- Whoo! Aah!
- Uh-oh! Ohh!

- Oh!
- Out!

Oh, God! I hate this!

No!

Riggs!

W... you took that for me.

- Uhh!
- No!

What's your first name?

Lisa.

No! Aah!

Uhh!

That was worth it.

That was so sweet!

Aah! He missed! I hate it!

All right, Jules,
you can do this!

I can't! Aah!

All right, up, up, up, up, up.

- Grab hands. Grab hands.
- What? What?

- No! - Close your eyes and
say a prayer for Jules.

- Come on.
- Okay. Okay.

Aw!

- Uhh!
- Ow!

Ooh! Ooh! That was a head shot!
He's out! That guy's out!

Great job, Jules!

What?! My ears are ringing!

Oh!

- Ah! Head shot! He's out!
- Ooh!

That guy's out!

Mr. Beakington, you came!

- Uhh!
- Oh!

- Head shot! We win! We win!
- Yeah!

When your eyes were closed
and you were praying,

what was in your head?

I was thinking good thoughts
for you.

Mm.

I figured that could be
my version of prayer, you know?

Mm. I like that.

Hmm.

Good night.

Ahh.

Aah!

Oh.

Damn birds.

Glad the seagulls
are finally gone.

Yeah, the city council
didn't consult me

on their decision to introduce
starving falcons

into the Gulfhaven airspace,

but as mayor, I...

What's going on?

I changed the rules,
had Laurie send a Tweet out.

Thank you, everyone,
for participating!

Come on!

I also added this

when you say...
come on!

Come on!