Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 10 - You Tell Me - full transcript

Ha!

Wow. Does that spider
owe you money?

You still have
little spider legs

twitching on your man hands.
Man hands?

You're stealing jokes
from seinfeld now?

Was that that jewish guy
you dated in high school?

No.

He had a huge tv show?
"Must see tv"?

Never heard of it.

No one's gonna tell me
what's "must see."

I have all these confusing
feelings for travis,



and now he's out there
playing the field,

and it just makes me
want to hulk out

and destroy things.

(imitating The Incredible Hulk)
JELLY HULK JEALOUS.

Jelly hulk smash.

Jelly hulk wear tacky jewelry.

(growls)

(normal voice)
I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU.

Ugh!

Hey, who wants a piping-hot
cinnamon bun?

What's going on with trav?

I saw him in town
making out with some girl.

He was batting around
her tonsils like a speed bag.

La-la-la-la-la-la.



Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!

Shut up!
Ow! That burns!

I can't get the frosting
off my eye!

(thud)
OH, GOD, IT'S SEARING MY EYE!

(whispers)
NOW I'M A LITTLE AFRAID.

I just loved him,
you know?

(sighs) I GUESS I SHOULD'VE
TOLD HIM MORE.

I just thought
he'd be here forever.

Michael jackson's death
affected everybody.

I know some pharmacists
that are pretty heartbroken.

(laughs)

Lynn, I love you,

but if you trash
the king of pop,

I will burn
this place to the ground.

And that is a great topic
for next week.

WELL, ANOTHER FUN ONE.
(chuckles)

You know, I bet if we met
on the street,

we'd end up being friends.

I'd love to hang out.

Ever since
my husband reggie died, I--

well, I don't--
I don't get out very much.

I used to have a best friend,

but then I found out that reggie
was also married to her,

SO... (sighs) SO, YOU KNOW,
THAT--THAT'S DONE.

Shockingly, that is only
the fifth saddest story

you've ever told me.

Why do you waste your time?
I mean, therapy is such a sham.

Before therapy, I was
a people-pleasing control freak.

I was constantly obsessed
about travis.

You have come a long way.

You joke,
but I was way worse.

I kept a baby monitor
in travis' room

until he was 17.

(click)
(Andy) ELLIE, DO YOU THINK
WE'LL ALWAYS LIVE IN FLORIDA?

(Ellie) WHY AREN'T YOU
AT WORK YET?

(click)
YEAH. I HID IT IN THEIR HOUSE
IN CASE THEY TALK ABOUT ME.

So what?

I don't need a shrink.

I mean, I can tell you
all my weird stuff.

Okay. I've always wondered,

why do you take your pants off
when you pee?

Well, what am I gonna do,
stand there with 'em

around my ankles
like a little bitch?

This is fun. Um, all right.
I have another one.

Your modeling career--
wh--how did that happen?

Guy stopped me on the street,
put me in a music video.

The crazy part--
the guy was blind.

Yeah, he decided I was beautiful
with his hands.

Oh, babe.
He wasn't blind.
Oh, he was.

I used to have to get in the tub
and help him bathe.

You so don't need therapy.

Mnh-mnh.

(both laughing)

Hey, guys.
Hey, jerry.

You know, I feel really crappy
about that 6 bucks I owe you.

What do you say we go
double or nothing?

What number am I thinking?

Uh, 6.

DAMN IT. (laughs) OH, IT'S
'CAUSE I JUST SAID THAT NUMBER.

All right, look.
Let me settle this.

Oh, I, uh, I can't
take money from the mayor.

(laughs)

Wait. What? I'm the mayor?

Yeah, for like a month.

How am I doing?
I don't know.

I forgot I ran for that.
Mayor ando. Mando.

(laughs) I WON SOMETHING.
HOW'D I MISS THAT?

I GOTTA START CHECKING
MY VOICE MAIL.
(cell phone beeps)

I GOT, LIKE,
A HUNDRED MESSAGES! (laughs)

(Alanis Morissette)
♪ DEAR TERRENCE

♪ I LOVE YOU MUCHLY

why are we watching
an alanis morissette video?

Because of this.

Boom!

(laughs)

No way!

Thank you. Play it again.
Play it forever.

Oh, look at his hair.

He looks like that
nerdy lesbian from "scooby-doo."

(Ellie and Travis laugh)

Who looks like velma?

(imitates Scooby-Doo)
RUH-ROH. IT'S RAYSON.

♪ BEAUTIFUL IT WAS TO...

Not cool.

What's up his butt?

My guess is alanis' finger
at the wrap party.

(all laugh)

(clears throat)

Oh, my money's no good here.

I'm the first lady
of gulfhaven.

(chuckles) IT DOESN'T
WORK THAT WAY.

So what do you get to do
as mayor of this tiny town?

Oh, not much.
It's mostly ceremonial.

I gotta go to this meeting
every six months.

Uh, oh, uh, this, uh,
this afternoon,

I get to do a ribbon cutting
at a new bike rack.

Ooh, you get to use
those giant scissors?

Uh, no. You gotta bring
your own.

Uh-oh.

And they lived
happily ever after.

Did they? Or did they
wind up in the fountain?

Aah!

You're a grown man!
Get a new hobby!

Wow.

Is she gone?

Yeah.

Your first act as mayor

should be calming down
jelly hulk.

Are you tight with
the animal control guys yet?

I am not going
anywhere near her.

Oh, come on, mando.

You're married to ellie.

You're a seasoned crazy-bitch
whisperer. No offense.

You know, he once
bitch whispered me down

from choking out a lady
for using the handicapped stall.

I mean, it turns out
she was handicapped,

but, like, barely.

Oh, sometimes I wish
I could get away from it all.

Trav,
you ever get overwhelmed

by the stresses
of day-to-day life?

Well, sure.
But I go to college,

get up before noon,

bathe.

Man, bathing's the worst.

Get wet, dry off,
get wet, dry off.

It's a grind.

I'm gonna take
a little vacay.

I'm in.
Where are we goin'?

(door clatters)

Target?
Are you serious?

This is a magical place,
buddy.

Hey, welcome back,
mr. Cobb.

You must be travis.

How's your photography going?

This is weird.

I can't believe
you showed them the video.

You never said
it was a secret.

Oh, come on.

You know when stuff should
stay between the two of us.

I mean, that was
supposed to go in the vault.

Hmm?
The vault, like "seinfeld"?

Not everyone has heard
of that show.
They have.

We are an open group.

We tell each other
everything.

We don't have any vaults.

Are you sure?

Heck, yeah, j-bird.
I got vaults.

OF COURSE I DO, JULES.
(chuckles)

Everyone does.

Why didn't you just ask me
the first time you called?

Do you have vaults?

I mean,
are there really things

that you tell other people
that you don't tell me?

(sighs) YES.

Cool.
Cool?

Hey, laurie.

Ellie said that she's happy

THAT TRAV'S BEEN PLAYING
THE FIELD. (chuckles)

Sic her.

(growls)
AAH!

I'm gonna get you. Aah!

(Ellie) GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
(Laurie) NO!

DO YOU SEE
THIS FRYING PAN?

I WILL HIT YOU WITH IT.
I'M GONNA DO IT!
TRY IT!

(pan clanks, body thuds)

(keypad beeping)

ANDY, YOU GOTTA COME HOME.
IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

WHERE ARE OUR PASSPORTS?
(Laurie groans)

OH, FORGET IT.
SHE'S WAKING UP, THANK GOD.

LAURIE, HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?
(weakly) WHAT HAPPENED?

All right.

You want to know
everyone's vaults?

There they are.

You have a vault with andy?

Of course.

Is there anything
in that vault about me?

There may be.

Open the damn vault.

Don't do it, ellie.

W-why do you care?

It's not like you two
have a secret together.

You don't have a...

WAIT A MINUTE. (gasps)

Oh, boy.

Please.

(inhales deeply) OH, NO.

NO! (gasps)

How long has this
been going on?

I came over for coffee one day,
and you weren't here.

It just happened.

I think I'm gonna
throw up.

Well, at least this hasn't
gone to a crazy place.

You know what?

I'm gonna blow up
this whole vault thing.

There's no dressing left.

Newman!

(Grayson and Ellie laugh)

What?

NOTHING.
YEAH, IT'S... (laughs)
FORGET IT.

(imitates pirate voice)
I LOST ME WALLET PILLAGING.

Can I borrow a doubloon?

(sighs)

If someone doesn't stop her,

this town's gonna be filled
with one-eyed freaks.

Fine.

(singsongy) HEY, GIRL.

(normal voice)
I KNOW YOU'RE FEELING

all kinds
of bad right now--

are you bitch whispering me?
Works on ellie.

You know she hit me
with a frying pan yesterday?

Luckily, I worked at ihop
in tampa for six months,

so I knew how to take it.

Come to
my ribbon-cutting ceremony.

The whole gang will be there.
It'll take your mind off it.

Okay.

♪

OH, THIS IS GONNA MAKE
BRAIN SURGERY MUCH HARDER.

Dude, this place... is sick.

I want to play
all the new video games,

then I want to watch
whatever pixar movie's playing

on those
70-inch plasma screens--

whoa, t-dog.
We got time. Just chill.

Ahh.

I fell asleep
in one of these earlier.

I love this place.

It's how I get far, far away
from all my problems.

Ditto.

Trav, get the lady a drink.

Oh, I thought
we were doing a bit.

(whistles)
(whistles)

I don't understand
why you think

that we need to keep things
from each other.

I'm an open book.

I know you want
to live in a world

where none of us keep
anything from each other,

but face it,
no one agrees with you.

Jules, I am so psyched
you called.

I'm sorry I'm so sweaty.
I was at pilates.

But we can still hug because
I did a double deod coat.

OH. (laughs)
HA HA!

Oh.
It's kind of working.

I will have a gin and tonic
in a beer mug, please.

A big one.

So what are the plans,
and do I need to drive anywhere?

Because if I do,
I'm gonna stop at three.

I thought
we would just chill

and talk about how you should
always be open

with the people
that you're closest with.

You know, any thoughts?

Did you call me down here
as a therapist

or as a new gal pal?

Gal pal. Don't be ridic.

YEAH. (laughs) OKAY.
GOT IT.

Well, this deodorant
is just not working.

It's the organic kind,
and boo to that, right?

I'm gonna go sop this up
with something.

Napkins or something.

You know, when your weird
sweaty gal pal finds out

you're just using her
to win an argument,

she's gonna freak.

(lowered voice)
YOU CAN'T TELL HER

because we're inside the vault.
But you don't like vaults.

Well, until they're gone,
I'm gonna use them.

Whew. That table's gonna need
some more napkins.

So, grayson, real quick.

Want to let you know
you have the same frame

as my dead gay husband.

If you ever need a pair
of ass-less jeans,

LET ME KNOW.

This is gonna sound weird,
but I would like those.

Mm.

Mm.

(sighs) ALL RIGHT.
IT'S 2:00.

(sighs) I CAN'T BELIEVE
NO ONE SHOWED,

not even my wife

or my best friend.

(loudly) AS MY FIRST OFFICIAL
ACT AS MAYOR,

I present gulfhaven's
new bike rack.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Come on!

You know what I like

about this particular brand
of toilet paper--

hey, dad.

Can I borrow you
for a sec?

(lowered voice)
WHAT'S UP?

I just didn't feel like that
was going anywhere good.

(normal voice)
I'M JUST NERVOUS.

You know, my stomach feels
like it's full of butterflies.

Seriously, it feels exactly
how it did

when I ate
all those butterflies.

That was a bet
I'm sad I won.

So how can I connect
with this gal?

You don't
have to do anything.

Just walk down an aisle

and see where it takes you.

(Joshua Radin's
"The Greenest Grass" playing)

♪ Time

♪ stopped

♪ when I saw you

♪ I could barely breathe

♪ and day broke

♪ when the sun rose

♪ lighting up your face

♪ I am a lucky man

♪ to recognize your grace

♪ when I woke this morning
next to you ♪

♪ I said, "baby,
this must be the place" ♪

♪ then you said

♪ "I know I'll never find
another like you ♪

♪ where I'm going"

♪ "you're
the greenest grass growing" ♪

♪ I said, "now I know

♪ I'll never find
another like you" ♪

So, gal pal, back me up on
this whole "no vaults" thing.

I mean, I know
you like being open

from that story you told me

about being
a human sushi platter.

You know, jules, I think
vaults are important.

Oh. What are you all
so scared of?

I mean, is it that bad

that we know that you were in
an alanis morissette video?

And, ellie, I think
that you would feel better

if everyone knew that you were
born with 11 toes.

Liar. That's not true.

N--it's actually
very common.

SHE HAD THE RARE
7-4 SPLIT. (laughs)

Too many.

Not enough.

When you learned to walk,
did you just go in circles?

(Grayson and Jules laugh)

Now dime eyes is mocking me.
Are you happy?

Well, that's what we do,
honey. We rib each other.

We're fine, right?

Totally fine.

I'm just never gonna tell you
anything ever again.

Grayson.

Since there aren't
any vaults,

jules didn't really
want to be your friend.

She just wanted you to tell her
that she was right.

Is that true?

I'm sorry.

Well, they're fixed now.

I-I...

Oh, hey, honey.

Oh, hey, ellie.

What are you up to?

I've been
waiting ten minutes

for you to look over
so I could do this.

Seriously?

You hurt her, jules.

(voice breaks)
YOU HURT ALL OF US.

Hey, lynn, I'm glad
you're still here

and that you're comfortable
enough to be wearing my pajamas.

I needed to regroup.

Can you help me fix this?

I just feel so hurt,
so used.

I just feel so empty.

I understand.

(clenched teeth) BUT WHY DO WE
HAVE TO DO THIS IN FRONT OF HIM?

Oh, ron? That's 'cause
he's a great shrink.

I've been seeing him
for years.

(whispers) SHE'S NUTS.
WHAT?

(whispers) I KNOW.

(normal voice) OKAY,
I'M COOL WITH RON.

Yay.

I can't believe
no one showed.

Yeah, I'm still
really bummed, too.

(gasps)

Let's go fight club
on each other.

You'd be surprised

what a bitch slap
can make you forget.

That's insane.

Hey!

Fight me. I want to.

I'm not gonna hit
a girl.

(grunts)

(grunts) OW! STOP IT!

Come at me, bitch!

I said stop!

AAH!
(thud)

Oh, my god. I am so sorry.

Are you kidding?
That was awesome.
Oh!

(punches landing)
IS THE MAYOR
BEATING UP A WOMAN?

Eye for an eye, andy!
Finish her!

(Andy) AAH! OH!

Lynn, should we talk about

how inappropriate it was
for you to insert yourself

into your patient's
personal life?

Not why we're here.

Let's cut to the chase.

I used you.

I was a jerk
and I regret it.

Yada, yada, yada.

I LOVE THAT EPISODE.
(laughs)

If you're talking about
"seinfeld, I will kill you.

I would be willing
to forget about all this

if you agree to come to
pilates with me once a week.
Oh.

Not a healthy solution.

No one asked you, ron.
Look, I don't know why

this whole vault thing
is making me so nuts.

I think you've got some
deep-seated trust issues.

(imitates buzzer)
YOUR TURN, RONNIE.

I was gonna say
what she said.

No, he wasn't.
He's totally

the "tell me why you feel
the way you feel" type.

Oh, I hate that type.

Why do you hate that, jules?

Th-this guy, right?
Seriously? Dude. Come on.

W-when I was a kid,
my mom was sick,

and no one told me because
they knew I would get upset.

And then...

During my first marriage,

everyone knew that I was
being cheated on,

but no one said anything.

So I guess, I just--
I hate being kept in the dark.

Gosh, you're missing out.

I mean, I can't tell you
how safe it feels

to be able
to tell someone anything

and know that it's not gonna
come back to bite you.

I MEAN, THAT IS PROBABLY WHY
YOU LIKE THERAPY SO MUCH.

Thanks, lynn.

RON, WE GOT--WE HAVE
A FEW MINUTES LEFT HERE.
(door opens)

If I were treating someone...

(door closes)
AND I WAS HAVING FANTASIES
ABOUT RUNNING MY FINGERS

through her dark,
licorice hair,

would it be unprofessional for
me to continue treating her?

Yes.
Mm. Disappointed.

(sniffles)

Man, I haven't had
a bloody nose since...

Every day in high school.

Dude, you're really tough.

But I still can't hear
out of this ear.

YOU HAVE
REALLY STRONG THIGHS.

I once shattered a man's
cheekbones with my thighs.

What were you
fighting about?

No, no, no,
we weren't fighting.

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

We're so dumb.

I acted like the mayor thing
wasn't important to me,

and of course
no one showed up.

And you're so mad at trav.

Does he even know
how you feel about him?

No.

It's not fair to act like
people let you down

if you never told 'em
what you wanted.

(clicks tongue)

(sighs)

Whoa. Don't get up so fast.

I clocked you in the head
pretty hard, dude.

(St. Lucia's "All Eyes On You"
playing)

(sighs)
WHAT AN AMAZING DAY.

I'll never forget it.

♪

It was nice to meet you,
bobby cobb.

You, too, target mary.

Why do you have to say good-bye?
You two are great together.

Trav, this was a vacation fling.
Those end.

Oh, I gotta get going.

I gotta catch a cab
to the airport.

Bye.

Bye.

She lives by the airport.

♪ Even in the meantime

we can't hide
from the real world forever,

but we can always
come back next year.

Why do we have to wait a year?
We walked here.

Shh. Just wave.

♪ In the daytime

♪ can't fess up to you

♪ 'cause I hope

WELL, THERE HE IS!
(cheering)

You guys.

I'm so proud of you, boo.

Thank you.
Bobby, giant scissors.

DON'T RUN WITH THESE THINGS,
BUBBA. (laughs)

Mr. Mayor,
would you do the honor?

Of course.

(cheering)

Now we celebrate!

(pops)
AH!

(laughs) YEAH.

He didn't even get her number.

You know, it--
it's just frustrating

to see two people
who'd be so good together

not even give it a shot.

It sucks, right?
Yeah, it--

YEAH, WELL...
(pats leg)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(glasses clink)
THANK YOU.

You told 'em I was upset,
didn't you?

(laughs) YEAH.

But the party
was their idea.

Thanks.
You're welcome.

Want me to tell trav?

No. No.
I'm not ready yet.

Where did jules
and dime eyes go?

So I can tell you anything--

any fear, any insecurity,
even weird stuff--

and it just stays
in our vault?

Right.

I was afraid to marry you
because you'd been divorced.

A little hypocritical,
but locked up forever.

Ooh. I love this.

(chuckles)

I don't really like
your daughter.

We don't have to, uh, fill
the whole vault up tonight.

(chuckles)
OH.

When I was 12,

I PUT LIPSTICK UP MY BUTT
SO I'D POOP PRETTY.

MY PARENTS HAD TO TAKE ME
TO THE HOSPITAL.

This goes in
our new group vault, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes when we have sex,

I WISH THAT YOU WERE THE GIRL
AND I WAS THE BOY.

OH, WE CAN DO THAT.
(whispers) OH!

I'm going home.

(whispers) OH, SO GOOD.

I was waiting
until we were alone

TO SHOW YOU THIS.
(clicks key)

♪ YOU'VE WASHED YOUR HANDS
CLEAN OF THIS ♪

I'M NOT IN THIS ONE.
(chuckles)

No, but I am.

What?

♪ ...REINVENTED

jean jacket guy,
meet smarmy record exec.

You're a morissette man, too?

Yep.

Come here.
Hee!

♪ ...IS SELECTIVE

"jagged little pill"
changed my life.

Oh, tell me about it.

What's happening here?

(clears throat)
NOTHING. (chuckles)

(music stops)

Vault?

ABSOLUTELY.
(chuckles)