Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 16 - Baby's a Rock 'N' Roller - full transcript

- Hey, sexy.
- Hey!

Wow! When you say things like
"Hey, sexy" and you see who answers,

- that's a great self-esteem test.
- That won't work.

- Hey, dummy.
- Yeah?

Yo, I heard you call me from out back.

Wow, a two-fer.

You can really tell
who is a morning person and who is not.

Me, I wake up ready to seize the day.

I'm like, "Come on, day! I got you!"

She literally shoots awake
like this: "Hello!"

And she pelts me with questions like,
"Why do you eat so many carbs?



What's an aardvark? Do you think
we'll ever live in London?"

- No.
- Gotta know.

Andy seems like
he would be a morning person.

Guilty!

And that's for the rest of my life.

Ellie is not a morning person.
Or a night person.

There's really only
seven minutes during the day

- that you are fun to be around.
- The best part is

you never know when they're coming.
Not now.

- OK.
- Trav wakes up happy.

Maybe because sometimes he sleepwalks
and he gets frisky with weird stuff.

- Remember?
- It started when he was 12

with our Christmas tree.
Oh, he went to town on that thing.

"Ooh, I love Christmas."



I hate that I just did that.

Since I grew up in foster homes,
I wake up swinging.

It comes in pretty handy, though,
if I'm in some strange guy's house.

I'm like, "Back off, dude."

You should write that down
for when you have a daughter.

Ellie? Stan's crying for you.

Oh, that's right. You have a kid.

- What? Seriously?
- She does not!

- No, she does.
- Bye, losers.

- Later.
- Bye.

Why did I answer?

OK, so we read four books,
we played trains,

now here's your coloring book, sweetie.

And Mommy is gonna be
right... over... here.

Wow! Men start being needy so young.

Grayson's still like that, but instead
of letting him nuzzle up with my boobs,

I let him... no, it's the same thing. He
dives right in like he owns the place.

That's bad.

Luckily, Stan spends a lot of time with
the nanny while we get to pound grape.

That's my new slang.
I like it, you love it?

No. You guys always joke
that I'm not with Stan.

Every day, I'm awake at least 12 hours.

I spend three hours with you,

five minutes with the bald guy
who shares my bathroom,

and the rest of the time is with Stan.
That is a crap-ton of mommy time.

You don't know how hard it is.

Oh, come on,
Travis was a baby once, too.

Jules, you had Travis in your twenties.
You had tons of energy, and plus,

you were too dumb to worry that
you were screwing up your kid for life.

I was so dumb. I used to let
him use my pill bottle as a rattle.

Having a baby in your 40s is exhausting.

And people will judge you if you keep a
sippy cup full of wine in the stroller

- so you can pound grape.
- I knew you loved it.

- I do.
- Look, when I had Travis,

I was a scared, broke kid
and Bobby was never around.

But... you're saying
that it's harder now,

with a nanny and a devoted husband?

Thank you so much for understanding.

Wow! OK.

You know, all that morning people talk
made me think.

Since Smith and I broke up,
I have not woken up once

next to some random guy
that I just met the night before.

Feels like that
shouldn't make a woman sad.

Well, you just gotta get back out there,
girl. You need to go hit it and quit it.

Toot it and boot it!

- Whip it and skip it.
- Wax it and tax it!

- Mother it and smother it.
- Bop it and drop it.

Chuck it and... re-chuck it.

Yours don't make any sense.

All right, I'm doing it! Oh...

I just... I really need a wingman.
It can't be my friend Tina.

She's super pregnant and doesn't want
to have another baby in a club.

You know I've never been a wingman.
Let me do this.

Done and done.
Tomorrow night, it is on.

It's so on.
If Ellie says it's on. May not be on.

- Oh.
- Hey, Bobby, what time are you

- picking me up for golf tomorrow?
- 5:30 in the AM.

Yeah, I need to practice
for that PGA tourney.

They let me on this great course
for free if I get there before six.

It's an amazing opportunity.

- Cool. How many times have you gone?
- None. I can't get up.

I keep hitting the snooze button.
But I got dog-Travis on it now.

Snooze.

Snooze.

Where you going? Oh, right, golf.
Should I learn to play golf?

Do we do enough together?
Why don't we ever use my Jacuzzi?

I'm up.

You should buy that thing breakfast.

Come on, man.
We can still make it.

Oh!

Coming through, coming through, baby!
Coming through, coming through!

Sorry, Bobby, it's 6:05.
I can't let you on. Bobby!

Bobby? Bobby?

Oh!

Whoo!

- Did I win?
- Nobody won, nobody won.

Why won't you let Andy
be Laurie's wingman?

Did Andy ask you to change my mind?

No.

Tell her I'll take embarrassing photos
of drunk Laurie for her.

Yeah, and tell her that I'll get like,
jury duty drunk.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

- Hey, hottie.
- Hey.

Why didn't I say anything?

I was actually talking to the mirror.

You look good wet, playboy.
Yeah, I know this.

If there is a ridiculous Cuban
hiding over there,

you can tell him that it's fine
if he wants to go dancing

with tramp-face tonight.

- Thanks, baby!
- Yeah, me too!

I will stay home and do a dance.

The dance of motherhood.

You're not the first person
to raise a kid.

Women have been doing this
for hundreds of years.

Thousands.

You really think you could handle Stan
for one night?

I could do it without a nanny,
and both hands tied behind my back.

- That was fast.
- Oh. He needs to be changed.

Hey, Laurie, will you grab me a diaper?

Laurie? Where the hell did you go?

I'm happy to stay and help.

The deal was no nanny.

Now, if you'll just hold him while I put
this dangerous stuff into the pantry.

This brul?e torch is probably all right,
it takes like five things to light it.

No! It's not, not safe. OK.

Why does your pantry
lock from the inside?

Well, when Travis went away,
I turned it into a pantrylsafe room.

You know, there's enough
tuna and Merlot to last me two weeks.

But where would I pee? Oh, I'll just
go in the empty bottles. Yay.

Ellie wrote down emergency numbers.

And here's his EpiPen.

He's allergic to everything
on Ellie's list.

He's allergic to Telemundo?

I think that's more for me.

It's almost Stan's bath time. Careful,
when he gets wet he gets a little mean.

Rosa, I'm great with kids.

You know, my son almost made honor roll.
Twice. I'm a bit of a Mary Poppins.

Hell, yeah. I'll get someone
to cover for me.

Especially if you are talking about
a little afternoon action.

Action. Bath's upstairs.
He loves the water.

This is why men cheat.

I can't believe
I missed golf again today.

It's my own fault for having
that snooze burger around.

Look. You don't have to
work on this all day.

Hey, you're my boy. If there's anything
I can help you with, I'm jumping in

- whether you ask me to or not.
- Thanks.

So, what you up to this weekend?

You staying in or are you gonna take
your laundry hamper out on the town?

Terrific. Who else did Kevin
email that video to?

Oh, Trav...

Now that he's dry, maybe we
can cut little Wolverine's nails.

Oh, my gosh.

- No?
- Where you going?

Well, go get him.

This is our crazy night out? A wine bar?
I practiced my club call.

- Ooh! Ooh!
- Hey! Not here.

- Sorry.
- Just wait.

Once a month, they turn this whole plaza
into a club. It's sick.

Last year, my friend Nezzie
got trampled, but it's OK.

The county paid
for her to get metal legs.

OK, do you remember
your wingman rules?

When you're dancing alone,
I stand behind you and go, "Damn!"

Yes, because ass-worship is contagious.

And the most important rule?

My night's not done till you get some.

Hi! It's such a gorgeous night.
I have no kid, Wayne. Shiraz me.

Laurie, you are rocking those jeans.
Hi, girlfriend!

- Why is it being nice?
- Are these the golden seven minutes?

Boo, I love you so much.

- They are.
- All right, wingman, it's time.

Where'd they come from?

Sweetie, hold my hand
and let's kiss a little.

Oh, I am so sorry, Laurie,
but when Ellie's like this, I...

- Too late, not now.
- Let's do this.

- Hey, Mom.
- Shh!

Grayson thinks I'm looking
for Stan's pacifier.

- Hello.
- Found it!

- Hey, stinky pants.
- Hey.

Can't believe you're hiding.

Ellie was right,
this is harder in your 40s.

I'm exhausted.
I mean, when you were a baby,

I was too dumb to care.

I used to tell you to go hide,
and instead of looking for you,

I'd watch TV and call my girlfriends.

Well, that explains
my deep distrust towards women.

Don't ever lose that, buddy.
It's a gift.

Stan should be sleeping now,

but genius here gave him
chocolate-covered espresso beans.

I thought they were raisins.

- And I wanted him to like me.
- How are we going to tire him out

without having to chase him
around the neighborhood?

I can build him a play area.
Remember, Trav, like we did last year?

- Huh?
- Oh, no, thank you, no thank you.

Careful, he's got his mother's talons.

Is anyone in more hell than me?

Laurie, where are you?

- No way.
- I am all about acoustics.

Pinot?

- Oh, car's fixed.
- Sweet.

What's with the mirror?

When the five AM sun
hits this bad boy here,

it'll go through that window there,
and hits right on the X, waking me.

What if the pillow moves?

You know, I could just come wake you up.

I need to do this on my own, Trav.

Oh, is this one of those times
when you take something tiny

and then say how it
means something more profound?

My failure to wake up shows how I blow
all my chances for a better life.

Yeah, I called it.

Can you name another person
who gets in his own way more than I do?

- Gary Busey.
- True.

Still, I have to
walk this road alone, son.

You know what, Doug?

I am pissed that they
just played a Miley Cyrus song

and everyone knew the lyrics!

I gotta go!

Excuse me.
Too much body spray. Ugh!

Sorry I bailed. It was too much.

I get why you didn't like it.

But, Andy, why didn't I?

It has all of my favorite things.
Sticky floors, shiny shirts,

weird, rich Russian dudes who say,

"You want to make dance with me?"

You were in love with Smith.

You got a taste of something real,
so from now on,

going out to clubs looking for
one-nighters isn't gonna cut it.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

- Fine. Go back out there.
- Yeah, I will.

Paid the bouncer 20 bucks
to let me take my shirt off.

Wayne, give me my Pinot.

I'm way ahead of you.

Well, I'm already happier now that I've
dressed you two in matching jammies.

Plus, behold,
the world's best baby fort.

Looks more like a baby prison.

It's an inescapable fort, like Alcatraz.

So you guys having fun over there?

- You better believe it.
- Hmm.

We're just sitting back relaxing
while he plays in his baby prison.

- Fort.
- Baby fort.

Better be careful. That kid's like
Houdini, he can get out of anything.

- Pfft!
- We're fine.

That kid ain't going nowhere.

- Oh! He locked it!
- That was so cool.

What do you have in there?

Nothing, just, you know,
all my knives, half a bottle of Merlot,

and a push-button fire machine. Stan!

Stan! Stan, come out!

- Come on, baby!
- Unlock it!

So how's it going with Stan?

Who's Stan? Boom, that's how easy it is.
I forgot he even exists.

- Is that blood?
- Excuse me, I have a roast in the oven.

- What?
- It's OK, it's OK, it's red wine.

- Oh. Well, no, that's still bad.
- He's holding a jar of peanut butter.

Is that on his allergy-of-death list?

OK, listen, if he opens that jar,

you break that door down
and stab him with this.

- I don't wanna stab a baby!
- Wimp!

Here.

Yes, 911?

Hi, there may be an emergency.

I'm not sure yet.
Can you just hold on a second?

- He put it down.
- False alarm, fellas.

I knew you'd never make a roast.

Hey, new milestone.
Stan knows how to lock doors now.

Stannie, you want a Goldfish cracker?

Well, come here. There you go.

Well, I could've bribed him,
but I'm a good mom.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

I used to love clubs like that.
Now they suck.

I don't know who I am anymore.

So, you're done going to crappy clubs
and hopping into bed with guys.

That means you're growing up.

Plus, it reduces the odds of you being
randomly murdered by, like, half.

I guess.

And think how horrible it was to wake up
in some strange apartment.

Wearing yesterday's clothes,
and you have to do the walk of shame.

I used to love that walk.

All the judgmental looks that I got
from people made me feel alive.

It wasn't a walk of shame.
It was a walk of awesome!

What am I supposed to do now, Andy?

Meet someone great, get married
and have a couple of kids? Blah.

- What's the point of life then?
- That kind of is the point of life.

You want coffee?

Get me a largey soy, extra cap.

Dude.

It's only 9:30. Pretty weak.

And it's contagious.

All right, no snooze burgers
tomorrow, buddy.

But, I'll dab on a little BBQ sauce.

And when that alarm goes off, I really
want you to get in there and wake me.

Nighty-night.

Oh.

Get the cracker, Stan.

- Look how he goes for the big ones.
- He's not a duck.

- What are you doing?
- I'm eating a big bite

of "I was right" steak.

Hmm... But it needs something.

Maybe a nice glass of 1985 Suck It.

- Ahh! So smooth.
- Fine.

Having a baby is harder when
you're a hundred years old like you.

- Thank you.
- Hmm... Hmm!

- So good.
- Whatcha got going on there, dime-eyes?

A big bowl of "We can do this."
Hmm-hmm. Hmm!

- Come on, it's just one night.
- No. And I hate mime.

Now that you know the cracker trick,
you could do anything.

Fish crackers aren't that powerful.

Stan!

Put your shirt on for a cracker.

- We can do this.
- Yeah.

Your friend's got it all wrong,
by the way.

Sorry, I was totally eavesdropping.

I don't know, maybe my dad was right.

I think my days
of cheesy clubs are over.

No more trolling for one-night strange.

I still hook up,
and I never go out anymore.

I just go to the pub for food,
here for coffee, and my place.

- How about you?
- Same.

Pub for food, here for coffee,
and your place.

- Who's your friend?
- Uh... No names. Thanks, Dad.

- Thanks, sir.
- That's my frappe-cap.

Paid three seventy-five.

- Why won't he sleep?
- Crackers aren't working.

Are you tired of Florida? Should we
live in London? What is a flat?

You were asleep a tenth of a second.
How do you do that?

I don't know.

- That's it, I'm getting Ellie.
- No, no, no, no.

Come on, don't give up.
We can really do this.

That is so annoying.

Why do you care so much?

Because...

Listen.

He's out.

Oh, my God. We did it! We did it.

The rest of the night is ours.
What time is it?

It's only... five AM.

Snooze sauce.

Yeah.

Trav. I told you,
I need to do this alone.

But you're my dad, and if there's
something I can help you with,

then I'm jumping in,
whether you ask me to or not.

Look at you,
using my own words against me.

Let me help you
with your clubs and, uh...

- Dad!
- What? Yes. Thank you.

Ooh...

Oh, I'm back!

Don't be so hard on yourself.
You have nothing to prove.

You're a great mom to Travis. Oh...

Wait, why are you being so sweet to me?

No way, this is
your seven minutes, isn't it?

Don't tell Andy. He'll come over here
and start pawing. Shh!

Honestly, I gotta tell you,
last night was great.

It really made me realize how glad I am
to be done with babies.

Isn't this little turkey great?

Yeah. I can't wait to have a kid.

When we get married,
I'll just get him a dog.

No, no, I'm too tired.

- What if...
- Stop it! I need wine.

All right, wake me up
when we get to my next shot.

- Why do I have to drive? I'm tired too.
- Shh!

Just wake me
when we get to my next shot.