Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 15 - Walls - full transcript

Once again Jules chooses to get too involved in Travis' life. Ellie decides to step in and tell Jules it's time to stop being so clingy. Meanwhile, Bobby and Laurie partner up to bring Penny Can to the masses and Andy teaches Grayson a lesson in friendship.

Are you two dummies out in the
yard again playing human Whac-A-Mole?

Uh, I'm digging up that old time capsule
we buried for Trav when he was a baby.

Aw...

- Lame.
- I preserved his past, Ellie.

It is a mother's greatest gift.

- So, when do I get to open it?
- On your eighteenth birthday.

I know you're 19,
but I forgot about the stupid thing

- until a couple of seconds ago.
- Oh, yeah.

That capsule is full of stuff
that we wanted you to have.

It's got old photos,
your Teddy Ruxpin bear...

...my grandmother's engagement ring.



- 38 Special cassettes.
- I'm assuming those are from you?

You need to carry on their message, bud.

- Whoo!
- I'll devote my life to it.

Look, I just need to borrow
my lucky visor out of there.

With my golf tourney coming up,
I need some cash for expenses.

Now, how can I get money,
if I'm not lucky?

- Wild pitch, hard work?
- Hard work.

- When are you gonna start looking?
- I've been looking all morning, baby.

- Dude!
- I remember it was by a hedge.

Hedge.

Aw!

- I know that "aww."
- Look how cute you are.

I mean, you two should be on the cover
of this menu. Not Mamma Giata.

This is the most ridiculous
Italian stereotype.



Hi, Mamma Giata.

Why is she stirring the sauce outside?

We're actually here celebrating.

Kirsten still has
a couple of months of grad school,

but she got a really great job offer.

- Nice.
- Whatever.

My girl's got the full package.

Trav, stop. You're embarrassing me.

He can't stop,
he was cooked in her baby oven.

- He was.
- Then, to save myself,

I'm gonna pretend
to go to the bathroom now.

I really like this girl.

I mean, sure, yeah,
sometimes she can be a little racist.

Mom, people from Taiwan
really are called Taiwanese.

- Agree to disagree.
- You always say that when you're wrong.

Agree to disagree.

Don't.

I'm just bummed.
The job's in Chicago.

I mean, I wish there was a way
to make her stay. But... it sucks.

Oh, sweetie.

Hot damn, this is good bread.

Oh, we're being sad?

OK, we have to figure out a way
to get Kirsten not to take this job

so Travis can stay in love.

- Oh!
- Oh, God.

We could give her a puppy

that would blow up
if she took it across town lines.

It's from my new screenplay,
The Blow-Up Pup.

It's a prequel to Speed.

- It's not.
- Or you could let Trav

- handle this on his own.
- Jellybean!

You just simultaneously uttered
the dumbest and the smartest things

- you've ever said.
- That's how I do.

You may not have water for a few hours.

- Super.
- What's going on here?

I am finally telling Jules that
she's too meddlesome in Travis' life.

No, no, no, you're staying.

Because, Jules, when it comes to Travis,
Bobby's the better parent.

- Yeah, baby. It's been said!
- I'll kill you.

Bobby realizes that Travis is an adult
now and lets him find his own way.

Bobby Cobb's number one rule
of parenting: Do not get involved.

Name one thing that I have
done to Travis that is "meddlesome."

- Watch him sleep.
- You scare his girlfriend away.

- You wanna live in his blood.
- What am I'm supposed to do?

Just let bad things happen to Travis?

- Ellie, do you mind if I take this?
- Sure.

Yes.

- Can I see that shovel for a second?
- How dumb do I look?

Just one second.

Let me see the shovel.

Excuse me, could you hand me a napkin?

Ooh... Thanks, I'm flattered, but,
I'm married. Tough luck, babe.

- Can you believe her?
- Hold on,

I just have to take a knee
for a second.

You really think she was
hitting on you?

Ladies dig married guys.
We're forbidden fruit.

Observe.

- Oh, Laurie.
- Yeah.

What if I was to tell you I had
an apple in my pocket from lunch?

So what? Who cares?

What if I was to tell you this apple was
so special you couldn't even look at it?

What's so special about it?
I want to see the apple. Gimme.

- Forbidden fruit.
- Oh, I don't like this at all.

There you guys are. I'm taking
a dig break. Who's up for some...

Penny Can!

That was almost an in-and-out, bud.

- Hey, what's the new rule on that one?
- You'll find out when it happens.

This game is dumb,
but it is so addictive.

- That's it!
- Forget about your lucky visor.

We can make money selling
Bobby Cobb Official Penny Cans.

Yeah, because nobody
can find empty paint cans.

This could work.

I already earned 600 bucks
by borrowing it from Andy and Jules,

we just need a little bit more
seed money. Grayson, you in?

Hm. Let me crunch numbers.
Six, carry the one...

...and, no.

It's the worst idea Laurie's ever had.
And that includes the "gayke" shop.

Find me a gay dude
who doesn't love cake.

Sorry, Bobby. I'm out.

Ah. That really kicks ass.

No. When something "kicks ass,"
it's a good thing.

How? Every time I've had my ass kicked
it's been horrible.

We've been misusing that phrase
for years. So, all agreed to change it?

- Absolutely.
- No.

You can't just change common phrases,
OK. Words have meaning.

Slap out of it and play.

Hm.

- I'll remember that.
- OK.

Ooh! In-and-out.

- 'Stache attack!
- What?

Hold still. Rules are rules.

I'm gonna go find that time capsule.
Borrowed a metal detector from Tom.

Hm. Surprisingly not a robot.

Why does he care so much
about that time ca...

Oh, my God, I know why.

Don't tell me. Please, let me figure
this out, I'm like Sherlock Holmes.

- You're not.
- Really?

Because I figured out where that smell
was coming from in the refrigerator.

- It was a bag of liquidy lettuce.
- Clever girl.

Why would Travis
care about the time capsule?

Why? Hm...

Why, why, why?
The question is why?

Hm-hm.

This may be harder
than the case of the stinky fridge.

- Oh, my God.
- I need a clue.

I need a clue!

- What is Travis sad about?
- Kirsten leaving.

The girl! Great job, Watson.

- Yeah.
- OK, now...

- Now?
- Is there anything in that time capsule

that would make Kirsten
wanna stay in Florida?

There's old photos,
my grandmother's engagement ring,

- 38 Special cassettes...
- Go back.

- Old photos.
- Go forward.

The ring? The ring.
Of course, it's the ring!

Travis wants to propose.
Yay! I got it. Wow!

- Wait. No! No!
- What "no, no"?

Um, I was just...
New dance I made up.

It's called the No-No Dance.

# No-no no-no, no-no no-no

# No-no no-no...

Weird.

Stop doing my No-No dance!

And for the record, it's like this.

# No-no no-no, no-no no-no

# No-no no-no

And wipe off that stupid moustache, you
look like a really gay Freddie Mercury.

Penny Can.

Travis is too young to get engaged.
I have to stop this.

You just have to step back
and let him live his life.

I mean, what if I go nuts on this,

and then I bite my tongue
about his weird haircut?

If you tell Travis he can't propose,
he's just gonna go do it anyway.

I have to step back, don't I?

Yeah. That'll happen.

- You don't believe in me?
- Jules, I really, really don't.

Not with this one. You can't just
sit back. Keep your chin up, girl.

- I can and I will!
- I can't and I won't. Help me.

"Bobby Cobb," right there on the can.
Man, my name's got a lot of B's in it.

My name doesn't have any "Bs" in it.

- Aw. I'm sorry I brought it up.
- It's OK.

So far we've spent $300
on cans and labels.

Another $100 on pennies.

Man! Buying money felt weird.

I know! But you gotta spend money
to make money, right?

Yeah, it's a popular saying,
so I believe in it.

It's like, "Location,
location, location."

I don't know what the hell that means,
but, man, I believe it to the core.

Hey, honey, what're you doing when
there's still paint left in the cans?

- Bagging it up.
- Oh.

It could be a moneymaker.

No. No, thank you though, Bobby, thanks.

Suze Orman called
with another hot investment tip.

Bags of... paint.

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Yeah, it's, uh...
"I'm married o'clock."

OK.

- They're not into you.
- You doubt everyone.

Bobby and Laurie's Penny Can business,
Jules staying out of Travis' life,

you even doubt my magnetic sexuality.

I might doubt those
things because I'm a sane person.

Hm...

Sorry, I couldn't hear you,

the breasts she was pressing
into my back were way too loud.

Here you go.

Never really dug a hole before.
Wait, what the hell is this?

That is your first blister.

Wow, I have not lived a hard life.

You're welcome.

Hey, Mom, you and Dad got married
young. Do you regret it?

Yes! And thank you for asking.

I mean, that was the worst thing ever.

It's like throwing all of your dreams
into a dumpster and pooping on them.

No!

But then again, because of that
marriage, we got you.

So, I guess on the topic of
getting married young, like an idiot,

I have no real strong feelings
either way, you know.

I got married at 16, to the love
of my life. Best thing I ever did.

Hm. Hey, Trav, did you happen find
any of Tom's business in those holes?

Let me check. Nope.

Sorry, Tom, none of
your business over here.

- Don't you love her fire?
- I guess.

I brought some stuff for you to bury.

Yeah, that's not really
what I'm doing, dude.

- Oh, yay!
- "Penny Can World Headquarters"?

I spent the last of our cash
on this banner and our radio ad.

Bobby, I need a favor...

Right after I make this shot.

I'm not getting up in Trav's business.

Come on, Bobby, I'm scared for him.

If I stick my nose in,
he's gonna resent me forever.

Oh, but you're OK with him
resenting me forever?

I ask one thing.

Bobby, Bobby, it's on!

Penny Can!

Calm down, it's not
the real police. It's the fun police!

And we're bringing you the greatest
coin-based game since heads or tails.

Penny Can!

Do you love having a good time?

I do.

Then call 1-855-PENNYCAN.

Hold for an operator,

then ask for Carol.

Say you're ordering Penny Can, and not
any weight loss products or sexual aids,

and she'll contact us with your order.
It's that simple.

# Ask for
Carol, no sex stuff, Penny Can! #

Whoo!

They give out awards
for radio ads, right?

Well, they better. We worked on this
for well over an hour.

Now we just wait for the phone to ring.

Ooh!

Horrible.

Well, I hope this works.
If I lose all my money, I am sunk.

- What if this wasn't a good idea?
- "Lf."

There were so many better ways
for Bobby to spend that money.

I mean, he could have, say,
put it all in a pile and set it on fire.

You didn't let him down.

If I did, it would kick major ass.

No, it wouldn't...

Hey, Doubtfire!
Think that was really helpful?

Honestly, yes.

You guys are lucky to have one realist
in the group who tells you how it is.

- Oh, and I'll prove it. Pardon me.
- Yeah.

Earlier, did you really need the time,

or were you looking to get naked and
have a open face Cuban sex sandwich?

What'd you say to my wife?

Whoa!

Are you just one guy?

- Get in the car!
- I feel like I'm on a cop show!

Aw, I left my keys in the bar.

Stop it. You'll just make him angrier.

- Oh, God.
- Hey, come on, open the door.

Uh...

Aw.
I kind of liked you with the moustache.

Sad part is I could
actually make that happen.

- You could use a little shave, too.
- Look, you know what...

- Have fun digging.
- Look at you stepping back.

- I say we celebrate me.
- You deserve it. Imaginary hat.

Imaginary hook hands.

- I don't know what we're doing.
- No one ever does.

Well, I swear,
I did not say one word to Travis.

I just let him be.

Hm-hm. Just remember to stick
with that when he finds the capsule.

He'll never find it. Because I already
found it and I hid it in my closet.

People really should
call me Jules Sherlock.

- Sherlock was his first name.
- I agree to disagree.

- Cheers!
- No.

- Oh, come on, Watson.
- Mm-mm.

How come he didn't see you
when you dug up the time capsule?

Because I put some cough syrup in his
lemonade and he fell asleep in a hole.

You know, out of context, that sounds
like a horrible abduction story.

- Agree to disagree.
- Stop doing that! You are bugging me!

I didn't do anything wrong.

I neither told him what to do,
nor what not to do.

Excuse me, victory sip.

Hm...

I'm just gonna say it.

The clingy mom act,
it's not cute anymore.

In fact, it's ugly on you.
Just like scarves.

- I look bad in scarves?
- They give you bird face.

I'm not gonna sit here and be judged

by someone who doesn't have
a 19-year-old and, most of all,

who thinks there's
a ghost in her pickup truck.

Then... who keeps moving
my sunglasses, Jules? Who?

- Come on, really.
- I just wanna talk to you.

What do you think this guy
eats for breakfast?

- I'm a nice guy.
- A goat?

- You know, this is all your fault.
- I'm not gonna hurt you.

Yeah, why won't you just admit that
those women weren't hitting on you.

Maybe some of them weren't.
But why won't you just let me have it?

That's what you're supposed to do for
friends. Believe in them no matter what.

It's what I do anyway.

- That's two.
- Hm.

I think he left.

Nope, he's lifting us. Wow.

Oh!

Get off! What is he, the Hulk?

Hey, why is your car
upside down in the parking lot?

Don't worry about that. I called you
because I want to show you something.

How is that gonna get
people to buy Penny Cans?

Ooh! That might work.
Can I have one now?

Nope.

Yeah.

OK, folks! First, we'd like to thank
you all for coming to Penny Can Night.

Yeah!

There seems to be
some questions about the rules.

Um..."Can I use a nickel?"

Seriously? It's called Penny Can,
people. OK,

"Can I throw underhand?"
I mean, sure, you can

if you don't mind
looking like a sissy-man.

And I'm talking to you, Steve, OK.

If anybody would like to buy their very
own Penny Can, we have them for sale.

One for $19.95. Two for $50.

That's a horrible deal.

Bobby and I will be on mustache patrol
for any ins-and-outs.

'Stache attack!

Sorry, buddy. In this situation, I'm
gonna have to give you the crazy brows.

It was really nice of you
to do this for Bobby and Laurie.

I also really wanted you to know
that I believe in you,

when it comes to all this Travis stuff,

- because...
- Yeah, whatever. I fixed it. It's over.

I cannot hit a thing.
Slap out of it, Andy.

Excuse me.

- Ah! Oh.
- Now, we're even.

Ah!

OK, wow. Guys,
let's get another game going.

Watch and learn, people!

Draino.

# Moving target Penny Can

Thank you, everyone. You, come with me.

Why are you so winded? Oh, my God,
don't tell me you walked here

- because of your truck ghost.
- I parked in the street

and it's in my driveway now!

Look, I just wanted you
to hear something.

Mom, hi!

You couldn't wait three seconds
to tell me you're too busy to talk?

I'm your daughter. Go to hell!

- Ellie!
- It's OK, I didn't really call her.

But that's what it would've sounded like
if I could stand the sound of her voice.

It's one thing to be too involved
in your kid's life when they're young.

You have to protect them.

But, with my mom, the endless opinions
and the picking, it never stopped.

It just felt like she didn't
believe in me. I hated her for that.

And I still do. I just don't want that
to happen to you and Travis.

Guys! We made enough money

- for Bobby to blah, blah, blah!
- What?

I said, "blah, blah, blah"
because, at this point, I don't know

what he needed the money for,
but we did it!

- Thank you, Laurie.
- You're welcome.

And I also got to thank Andy and Jules
for loaning me the money.

And me.

Come on, G-man, you were
only pouring out free drinks.

Those free drinks
cost me 600 bucks.

Why did you pay for them?
They were free.

- It seems crazy.
- How are you not getting this?

- You guys are messing with me.
- Thanks, buddy.

- How were we messing with him?
- No!

- Oh.
- Hey, Trav!

- Look what I dug up!
- No way.

Nice touch with the dirt.

Whoa...

You were such a cute baby.

- Not really.
- Nope.

Uh! Dad's lucky visor.

- Ew. Gross. His hair's still in it.
- No, that's from your first haircut.

I didn't have a Ziploc bag so
I just kinda sprinkled it in there.

- Happy eighteenth, Trav!
- Look at me, I'm a bear.

So cute!

Oh! Grandma's old engagement ring.
Very cool.

I love you, Trav.

And no matter what paths
you decide to take...

...I'm behind you a hundred percent.

Thanks, Mom. Seriously.

Hey, I'm gonna go back to school.
Is it cool if I take this with me?

Of course. It's yours.

All right, see you guys.

Now what?

I just sit here
and wait and see what happens?

Yes.

- Totally kicks ass.
- I know, sweetie.

- That's better.
- Yep.

Truck ghost.