Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 17 - You're Gonna Get It! - full transcript

OK, we all know why we're over here.

- Because we're always here?
- Partly.

But today, Bobby's heading off to do
his first pro golf tournament in years.

To Bobby!

To me!

Jules, I didn't know that
you sponsor an African child.

Oh, yeah. Little Omari, he's ten.

I gotta say, those letters
are getting a little repetitive,

"It's hot, I'm hungry,
there's snakes," you know.

Sure, sure.

Look, I'm glad to write checks,



but it would be great if we did
actual volunteer work, you know?

I raise money for public schools.

I help eradicate non-indigenous species
in the Everglades.

- I don't know what that means.
- I volunteer at a soup kitchen.

Being a taster doesn't count.
I volunteer at a women's shelter.

So, everybody does charity work
except for Andy and me?

I volunteer at the shelter, too.

During self-defense classes, the women
take turns kicking me in the crotch.

So, it's like a day at home for you.

Laugh! I am totally tweeting that.

"Another day,
another kick in the crotch."

TheLarmy is gonna love this one.

That's my Twitter name, "TheLarmy"
stands for "The Laurie's Army."

Good God. An army of jellybeans.



Bobby, I wish you'd let me go with you.

Sorry, J-Bird. If you're there, I'll be
as nervous as a rabbity...

- What'd he say?
- I have no idea.

You can come Saturday if I make the cut.

When you make the cut!

OK, everybody,
let's hold hands. Come on.

- No!
- Come on, let's do it.

Bobby, give me your lucky visor.
Now, everyone, close your eyes.

Feel your body's positive energy, all
of it, feel it flowing through the hat.

This is what I do with my life now.

I'm instructing TheLarmy to tweet
positive vibes. They're called Twibes.

Bobby doesn't need vibes, I'm his caddy!

Got it covered.

His putter's on top of the car.

I know that.

And away we go!

Positive vibes on the car, everyone!
Positive vibes!

Just when I thought your bar
couldn't get any less cool. Bar trivia!

Welcome to T.G.I. Grayson's, everyone.

It'll be good for business.

Ugh. These games are designed
to make you feel like a fool

in front of total strangers.

I mean, seriously, it's my biggest fear.

When it happens, I go into
total-body shutdown, I can't speak,

- I look like a super-sexy corpse.
- Way to self-compliment.

- I thought I snuck it in there.
- OK, let's play.

- Jellybean's out for obvious reasons.
- What? Why me?

- Jules is also out.
- Yep, biggest fear.

Biggest fear. So that leaves me,
college, and the bartender

who pretends he's smart
but who methinks is secretly a jelly.

Oh, it's on, ice woman.

What's Bobby's lucky visor doing here?

Oh, no. He and Andy stopped by here
for lunch. They must have forgotten it.

Oh, great. Are we sure Andy
is the right person to take care of him?

All right, everything's put away.

You think I could fit
in this duffel bag?

I do not.

OK, we're agreed. Whoever loses trivia
has to drive Bobby's visor to him.

What? You're not even playing!

- I know.
- He's just pissy

'cause he's in last place.

Are you OK there, buddy?
You seem a little dumb.

Yeah, what, does your college
just let anyone in?

No, you have to be really good at art.

So, yeah.

I am so glad I'm not playing that game.

I mean, look.

Some doctor named Benjamin Rush
signed the Declaration of Independence?

Hmm.

The only two names I know are
John Hancock and Richard Stands.

John Hancock is a real person?
I thought it was a sex act.

OK, so now that I feel so guilty, what
charity do you think I should jump into?

Do mine! It's called
The Wonder Of Reading,

and we help raise funding
to keep libraries in public schools.

I went to a crap school
in a crap neighborhood,

- and reading really got me out.
- Aw, really?

No! Car modeling did.

But it's really fun to say reading did.

Damn it!

How the hell am I supposed
to know who Bob Griese is?

Sorry, sport. Good news,
we'll never call you sport again,

'cause obviously you
know nothing about sports.

Bad news is
you have to drive two hours

to deliver a magical visor
full of dreams and rainbows.

Which are real and important.

I will not be mocked!

I will not be mocked.

- Mom, they're mocking me.
- Mocking is bad!

I know, sweetie.
But your dad needs you.

So you drive up there and
make sure things go smoothly.

Is this really necessary?

Dude, get me out of here, man! My
golfing shoulder is starting to cramp!

- The zipper's stuck!
- Oh, my God.

From now on, I'm in charge. Dad, we have
to sign in at the clubhouse at eight AM.

I set your alarm, laid out some clothes,
and bought you some socks.

Andy, you're carrying a heavy bag in the
hot sun for hours. You ready for that?

I've been training
in the pool for weeks.

I wasn't pointing fingers, Carol.

I just think we should've
had enough coffee and Danish

for the teachers as well.

You are gonna be
the best thing

that ever happened to this charity,

but I can't believe
how quickly you took over.

Watch this. Shh! Shh!

I own the shush-clap.

We are so excited about our new library.

Can we give a big round of applause to
the women who helped make it happen?

Would you ladies like to say something?

- I didn't prepare anything.
- Mm-mm.

Reading... is everything.

I grew up in the hood, y'all.

My best friend, JoJo,
got shot in the face.

It should've been me.

But... reading got me out.

I think it would be appropriate if
Mrs. Cobb led the Pledge of Allegiance.

All rise.

Wow, cool, OK.

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America,

and to the republic
for Richard Stands...

- What?
- It's "for which it stands."

Oh.

Oh, no. Full-body shutdown. Breathe.

Jules, honey, just breathe!

Help me...

I thought Richard Stands
wrote the Pledge of Allegiance.

That's why he got to sign
the Declaration of Independence.

- Of course.
- Sure.

Richard Stands sounds real.

Like one of those guys
that you don't really know what he did,

but there's a beer named after him.

You know who should have a beer
named after them? Ben Franklin.

Yeah, he invented baseball,

he was an awesome president,
and he made the first wig.

- Zero of those things are correct.
- Well, OK.

Those kids are gonna
tell their parents what happened,

their parents are gonna
tell their friends...

This is why you don't do charity work.

I'm gonna go up
and get in my bed for about a week.

Just tell everyone I have mono.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You shouldn't feel stupid.

You know, most Americans don't
even know who the Secretary of State is.

Please don't ask me.

Well, hell, I don't even know how many
Supreme Court Justices there are.

We're all dumb.

- Speak for yourself. There are nine.
- Nine.

Mm-hmm. And how many members
of Congress are there?

That's a trick question.
'Cause, you know, it depends on, uh...

...you know, what the lobbyists
are doing in the districts...

- Fine, we're all dumb.
- Really?

- I'm so dumb!
- Yes.

Aw. Thank you! You know what?

From this point forward, what happened
at that school will not bother me.

Atta boy, Richard.

That will never be spoken of again,

which is why it will not bother me.
Good-bye.

So, I hear that she kicked your ass.

Must sting to lose to Oldie Locks.

- I let her win.
- Really? Let's go again.

Ooh! Can I play too?

That would be like taking candy
from a baby... No, an animal baby!

- You're so mean!
- I swear, I can't get over it.

- It's good, right?
- Uh-huh.

Don't take me lightly.
I'm actually better than you think.

You'd have to be.

Ooh! Hot mustard!
These holes are smaller here.

Look, you just need to calm down, OK?

Maybe stop randomly
holding your breath so much.

Andy, what's going on?
You having a little stroke?

I got some water in my ear this morning
doing my drills in the hotel pool.

You went in that pool? It's gross.
There's a dead seagull in it.

I better run and get
rubbing alcohol to dry it out.

- No. There's no time.
- Man, I'm nervous.

- Andy, confidence dance.
- All right.

Andy? Man down, Trav. Sub in, baby.

This guy keeps looking at me like
he knows what happened at the school.

I bet he's the dad
of that little blonde girl.

They both have
the same stupid ponytail.

You're imagining it. Stay strong.

Thank you, I'm much better now. OK.

All right, time out on the game.
It's your turn. Three, two, one...

- Hey, Jules.
- Hey.

I really don't think
that's why he's staring at you.

You know, honey, he probably
just thinks you're really hot.

My calves do look pretty great.

You know, the trick is
to store your cookies on the top shelf.

And then you just
go for them one at a time.

OK, sweetie.

Game on.

Yes!

The answer is Grandma Moses!
You should've gotten that, Ellie.

Weren't the two of you,
like, sorority sisters?

All right, game off!
Bobby's about to play.

- No, we're playing!
- What?

I said game off.

Next up is Bobby Cobb.

A great story. A local club pro and at
40, his career is getting a second act.

All right, bud. Now or never.

Moment of truth, Bobby!

Am I talking loud?

- Let's hold hands.
- OK.

- Bobby needs positive vibes.
- Vibes can't be sent through a TV.

What do you know about vibes?
Or positivity for that matter?

Come on, hold my hand. Everybody!

- Beautiful shot!
- Whoo!

Psychically strong!

Do you take requests? 'Cause
I'd like to talk to my dead parents.

All right, finish the game.

Uh-oh. Last question,
and this one's gonna decide it.

Huh. Where is Mauritania?

Aw! Looks like pretty boy is out.

I know this, I know this.

Doesn't seem like you do. Africa.

Boom! I win!

No!

"Dear TheLarmy,
Operation Suck It is complete."

- OK, put Bobby back on.
- Well, well, if it isn't

- Gulf Haven's resident historian.
- Excuse me?

I was talking with my life coach, Kenny.
Yes, I have a life coach,

which is why I'm kicking ass!

His daughter told him about
your recent pledge gaffe at her school.

I knew it!

Richard Stands. Yeesh.

Oh, but thank you!

- Everybody's gonna know.
- No, honey.

Hey, Bobby's back on.

All right, 260 yards to the green.

My brain says play it safe,
but my man parts say go for it.

Andy, hand me the hammer.

I can't hear anything.
Act out what you said.

Oh, hammer!

Dear Lord, you know I don't
bother you unless it's important.

Except for the time
that I asked you to speed up my bangs.

But I'm sorry, it was just...
seemed so serious.

But this is a true emergency.

Please, please take
the spotlight off of me

and put it onto someone else. Amen.

Oh! Whoo-hoo!

- That's a great...
- Wait! Oh, no,

Bobby Cobb has just hit
his competitor's ball onto the green!

I don't think he even knows
that he's made a huge, huge error.

Bobby celebrates,

riding his club like it's a horse.

That's a two-stroke penalty
for hitting another player's ball.

Why didn't his caddy stop him?

- I don't know.
- Uh, he appears to be drunk.

What a devastating start
for this local club pro.

I just hope our guy
is strong enough to bounce back

and not let it sink him.

- Uh, he's not.
- Now you listen?

Not a great day for local golf pro,
Bobby Cobb,

who after hitting another player's ball
in a tournament, had a full-on meltdown.

Not to mention his caddy
stumbling into a sand trap.

Well, at least they didn't use the name.

Hats off to you, Bobby
"Wrong Balls" Cobb. You're a legend.

You were on TV. That's neat!

- Yeah, I'm going home.
- Oh, come on, man.

Nobody watches sports...

"Wrong Balls" is trending on Twitter.
It's above "Bieber."

- Helpful.
- What?

You all sound like that teacher
on the Peanuts cartoon.

- Get out! Out, out, out!
- This is my fault.

Travis, blaming yourself for
someone else's actions is ridiculous.

Besides, I made this happen by wishing
it so. I really abused my powers.

- You don't have any powers!
- Out! Out! Out!

- My psychic said you'd say that.
- Psychics are stupid.

- She said you'd say that.
- Well, I can't win at this game.

Calm down, this is my screw up.
Let me go apologize to Dad.

No, this is my bad.
I get to apologize to him.

Cool! Wizard versus nerd!

I'll strike you down with my spell!

No, science is the answer!

Out, out, out,
out, out, out, out!

Ah! Aha! I think I got it out.

Somebody say something to me.

Wah, wah-wah, wah, wah-wah.

It chews gum
while it eats buffalo wings.

How did it beat us?

Look, I used to watch Jeopardy every day

because I had a major lady rod
for Alex Trebek.

Until I found out
he was Canadian. Gross.

This can't end like this.

Team up if you want.
I'll take you both down together.

Want to form an alliance,
team up like NATO?

Isn't Nato the guy
that lived in O.J.'s guest house?

How?

I just don't understand how
you can't see this is all my fault.

Um, because you're not magic.

Aah!

Oh, honey, I just wish
that water would come out already.

Ah-ha-ha!

- I believe.
- Look!

- How many of these have you sold?
- Ten.

OK, I'm gonna buy the rest. Here.

OK, everybody,
we gotta find the other ten.

- Let's split up!
- OK.

No, no. Go. Move it!
Get out of the way.

I need that shirt.

Give me the shirt.

You're a weirdo!

This will never be
spoken of again. Come on.

What?

"'Sup, TheLarmy?

I'm super busy
whupping some chumphouses!"

Hey, bartender. How could you
miss a question about bartending?

I don't know, OK? You missed the one
about blood-draining parasites.

- Not the same.
- It is the same!

All right, what's up?

Mom said I could apologize first,
and then she's going to, and I quote,

"Bring it home with some real emotion."

Look, you always have my back,

I feel awful... She's inhaling
to cut me off and start talking,

- so I want to close with I love you!
- It was my fault.

I was so embarrassed by that school
thing that I wished that something bad

would happen to take the spotlight off
of me. I wished that you would mess up.

OK, Trav, go ahead. Dive in,
let him know what you did was worse.

Nope! You win. That's horrible.

- So, you Noonaned me?
- What?

Caddyshack reference.
Means you wanted him to mess up.

Oh, yes then I Noonaned you.

I would do anything
to take this all back.

I even went out
and bought all these shirts.

What kind of jerk would
want to profit from your pain?

What up?

Thank you very much.

Yes!

- OK.
- Ooh, last question.

No fair! Music from the 80s?
You guys, I'm too young.

All I know about music
from the 80s is...

...everything!
- I feel good about this.

I slept with a few bands in the 80s.

Yeah? Well, I hope you banged your way
from a-ha to ZZ Top

because we need this.

You always did hate
to be embarrassed, J-Bird.

I'm weird that way.

When somebody humiliates me,
I go straight-up revenge.

Oh. Oh, hey, Dad, what's the name
of that 38 Special song you like?

- "Hold On Loosely."
- Thank you.

"Hold On Loosely"!

Oh! Game, set, miz-atch!

Aw. Bar's closed!
Everybody out, bar's closed!

Wow! Big brain and
rockin' hoots and stems?

Just goes to show you, can never
judge a book by its front part.

I'm serious. I'm serious! Everyone out.

I've been helping her
destroy them all day!

You are an evil genius!

I'm just evil.

OK. First off, you know these
T-shirts are non-refundable, right?

Yeah, I saw the sign on the table.

Secondly, you didn't make
anything happen to me.

- I know. I mean, I am very powerful.
- So powerful.

Yep, you control things with your mind.

I mean, I wanted you
to do so well in that tournament.

But then I got a little bit embarrassed,
and then that just went out the window.

I'm just... I'm so sorry Bobby.

I got a one-word response to that.

Ha! Come on,
I wanna show you something.

- Wrong Balls!
- You know it!

- No way. It's Wrong Balls!
- That's right, baby!

Hey, buddy.

- Here you go.
- Thanks, Mr. Wrong Balls.

Did you hear that?
He called me "Mister."

Aw. There's always a first.

Jules, embarrassing things
happen to me a lot.

So what's the point in hiding from it?
I just put on a big smile and I say,

"I chunked it, world,
and I think it's funny, too!"

And the next thing you know, boom!
Pop culture phenom.

- Wrong Balls!
- Hey, call me.

You know, now that I'm famous,
my golf lessons are booked solid.

I don't even have to buy
my own drinks anymore.

- Well, you never did that.
- Well, now it's not stealing.

- True.
- And you know how much

I like meatball subs, right?

Well, guess who's the new spokesperson
for Mel's Hoagie Hut.

I can't believe this.

Hey, look, I know you biffed it
with the kids yesterday.

Stupid blabby town!

Well, just remember, you can't hear
the world laughing at you

if you're laughing harder.
You gotta own it, sugar.

Hey, it's me, the Richard Stands lady.

OK. Shh! Shh!

Now, before I start reading,

I thought we would do the real
Pledge of Allegiance. All rise.

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America,

and to the republic
for which it stands...

...one nation under God, invisible...

What?

Because God is invisible.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see it.
- That makes total sense.

- I've never seen God.
- I know...

That's something a jellybean...

Bobby "Wrong Balls" Cobb here for
Mel's Hoagie Hut's new meatball sub.

Don't eat, genius,
you won't be able to talk.

Cut.

Hey, kids,

Bobby "Bong Walls" Cobb here.

Cut.

Hey, Bobby "Wrong Balls" Cobb here
for Mel's Hoagie Hut's new meatball sub.

It's so good and 100 percent horse-free.

Not a good thing to say.

Take it from me, don't eat
the wrong balls, eat the right balls.

- Well, finally, one we can use.
- Can I eat now?