Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - Two Gunslingers - full transcript

Could you not pick your feet?

- Honey, they're, like,
right next to my head.
- What? This is not
the grossest thing

that's happening
at this beach right now.

Those two are
obviously having sex.

- Oh!
- And that boy's parents
don't think he needs to wear

- a bathing suit even though
he seems to be about 14.
- I hate Europeans.

I can't believe
I'm gonna be 41 on Saturday.

I mean, that's in your 40s.

Hey, let's play a game.
I'm gonna say a number,

and you stop me when you think
it's an age that I can pass for.

- Ready?
- Yeah.



34. 35. 36.

36. 36?

All right. Stupid game.
I don't want to play.

Cheer up. For your birthday
I'm taking you

to that new french restaurant.

Oh, yeah. And then after
you put ol' big hat to bed,

you and I are going
dancing at Oasis.

Honey,
just don't wear any red.

They have a tiny
gang violence problem.

I can't believe
you're forcing me

to make separate plans with
each of you.

Going swimming.

Frank, Shanna, hi!
Long time no see.

Yeah.



Such a long time.

Anyway, see you around.

When Bobby and I
were married,

we were kind of friends
with the Millers.

They were so weird. Do you think
it was because of the divorce?

It could be. Or it could be
that when your swimsuit is wet,

it's so see-through, I can count
the individual goose bumps

- on your nerps.
- [gasps]

Why do they even sell
white bathing suits?

Are you sure they noticed?

[both speaking indistinctly]

Pretty sure.

I wouldn't wait for
her results to come in.

- Mnh-mnh.
- I'd get on antibiotics now.

I'll have you know
that Summer is a student.

Today is her third day
of massage school.

[chuckles]
Wish I could take that back.

But you can't.

Mommy, if that lady slept
over at Mr. Ellis' house,

does that mean
they're in love?

- Oh, well, he loves
parts of her, sweetie.
- Ha ha.

[indistinct conversations]

Oh, good. Shanna, hi.

I'm so sorry
about yesterday.

I had a little
headlight incident.

They know.

What did you think would happen
with a white swimsuit?

In the catalog, the model
was coming out of the water,

and it looked fine, but she
was also wearing high heels

- and was on a motorcycle, so...
- It's okay, Jules.

- Besides, it's typical.
- Typical?

Ever since you got divorced,
we've noticed the short skirts,

- the 28-year-old boyfriend.
- 28 ½, and we broke up.

His mom told me.
She's in my church group.

Let's go, girls.

"Let's go, girls"? What is this,
some weird mom gang?

When did Shanna
get to be so mean?

That catty witch
is just jealous

'cause you're a 41-year-old
hottie who can pass for 38.

- I believe we agreed on 36.
- Oh.

I just don't want to be in this
stupid town for my birthday.

Everybody talks
about everything.

I just want to go somewhere
where no one knows who I am

and I could just let loose
and not be judged.

How about that new beach resort
on Siesta Key?

- Yes!
- No.

Come on!
We can all share a suite,

and then we can make plans
to rent bikes and -- and kayaks

and paddleboards
and then never do any of it.

I wouldn't share a suite
with Trampolina here

if they gave away free lipo
with a continental breakfast.

Ditto. I'd rather go bald.

It's my birthday,
so suck it up.

Come on.
How fun would a road trip be?

- Fun.
- So much fun.

Oh, please try harder.

- Fun!
- So much fun!

Thank you.

Okay, your dad
convinced some tourist

that he's a hunting guide.

So not only can he not
watch you this weekend,

but there's
a pretty good chance

- he's gonna end up dead in the woods.
- Well, I am 18. Don't need a babysitter.

Look, I was your age.

- I know the kind of stuff I did when my parents went away.
- Yeah, I know where this is going, okay?

- Your cautionary tales always end up with you giving birth to me.
- It was the happiest day of my life.

Damn straight.

I can check in on the kid if
you promise to stop hassling me

- about the girls I bring home.
- Yeah, I can't do it.

- Mm.
- Well, I guess I could probably
stop for, like, three days.

Deal. I wonder how many
I can cycle through the abode

in three days.
I'm guessing, like, seven.

Lucky, lucky girls.

Psst.

Okay, so here's the plan.

Do not come over
to my house.

If the house is on fire,
you may knock once.

If I don't answer,
assume I set the fire,

- and I want to burn to death.
- You're a neat kid.

[door closes]
Oh, when Bobby and I
went camping for one week,

all we brought was bug spray,
matches and a coffee cake.

You guys are going away
for one night, right?

What's your point,
v-neck?

- I took all our pillows.
- Great.

- All right, ready, ladies?
- Yep.

- Road trip.
- Whoo!

Enjoy your stay
at Playa del Roca.

Thank you,
Trent from Tallahassee.

You know, we're here
celebrating my 34th birthday.

Do you find that to be
a believable statement?

Could have been a $20,
Trent.

Someone's going to believe
I'm 34 if it kills me.

- I thought we agreed on 36.
- Mm. At home I'd be happy
with a 36,

maybe even a solid 38.

But that's regular Jules.

Here, I'm resort Jules.

And resort Jules is fun,
and she's crazy,

and she refers to herself
in the third person

like a professional athlete.

- Yeah.
- Ooh! I call the bed to herself
by the window!

How are you already naked?

What? I was changing, and I got
sidetracked by bed choice.

Well, of course it's your bed

now that you have
your tramp stink all over it.

Jules, did you hear her?
Bitch, I am a lady.

You know what I want
for my birthday?

For us all to get along.

This weekend we're gonna be like
Thelma and Louise and Louise.

- You know, they die at the end of that movie.
- You watch. You're gonna end up being friends.

Playa del Roca
is a magical place.

Ew! There's a dead lizard
in the toilet!
[flushes]

[singsong voice] Bye, Ellie!

[normal voice] I named him.

I hate her.

Oh, man, isn't this fun?

I'm eating bacon
in a bikini.

Hey, take a picture of me
eating bacon in a bikini.

Arch your back and stick out your chest.
and say... [singsong voice] "Classy!"

Regular Jules would never
do this, but resort Jules says

"Say hello to Tanya and her
slightly smaller twin Tina."

(chuckles)
(camera shutter clicks)

(door closes)
Did you just give him
the "Hit that" nod?

- I did.
- Jules said no girls
in the house.

- She won't find out.
- Jules always finds out.

You know, I babysat Travis
once when he was 12,

and I may or may not have
let him watch "9½ Weeks."

Somehow Jules found out.

And then all of a sudden,

her brownies started
having pecans in them,

which is kind of weird
'cause I'm allergic to pecans,

and Jules knows that.

It was like, I don't know,
she was trying to kill me.

But that's just silly,
right?

I'm -- I'm paranoid.
Whoo! Weirdo, right?

That's just silly.
(chuckles)

This is why
we don't hang out more.

Okay, tough guy.

Magazine sex quiz.

"Is it okay to have sex
in a limo before your prom?"

Oh, that's a big no.
I get nauseous riding sideways.

- Ooh! [singsong voice] You guys,
check out the hotties.
- [speaking indistinctly]

- [normal voice]
Should we invite 'em over?
- No! That's the reason
I got a cabana --

to avoid men
with barbed wire tattoos.

Those are my people.

Of course they are.

She doesn't realize
this is the real fun --

You know, sittin' here
all by ourselves

doin' nothing.

You want to invite them over,
don't you?

No.

But resort Jules does.

- [lowers voice]
She has bad judgment.
- Fine.

(laughter)

Isn't this fun?

No fire here. See ya.

Your mom said no girls.

I'm sorry, young lady,
you've gotta go.

It -- it's okay.
I'll just get my stuff.

Do you know what
her stuff is?

It's flavored lip gloss
and an oversized t-shirt

for when she gets, and I quote,
"tired and snuggly."

What are you doing to me,
dude?

Resort Jules
brought all the things

that she's afraid
to wear at home.

So...farmer's daughter
or...where is it?

Ah. Whitesnake video?

[laughs] Well, I get
to pick what we do next,

- and trust me, it's not
gonna matter what you wear.
- Why?

Oh, no.

Mmm!

There is nothing better
than drinking champagne

topless in a hot tub.
Am I right?

- Too soon to tell.
- Come on, Jules. Have a drink.
You'll loosen up.

Ellie, pour some champagne
into my mouth.

- There you go, sweetie.
- Mmm. Mmm.

Come on, grandma,
lose the top.

- You're making Jules
self-conscious.
- Yeah, lose the top.

Pipe down, man boobs.

Laurie, honey,
it's not Ellie

that's making me
feel self-conscious.

- You see the nice gentleman
over here?
- Jim.

Well, Jim hasn't had his hands
above the water since he got in,

and now someone's toes are
interlocking with my toes.

[chuckles]

I think I'm gonna
head back to my room.

Whoopty-whoo,
your boobs are out. Big deal.

Why do you have
to ruin everything?

If you'd just gone along
with it, it could have been fun.

- You know that.
- Not all fun things revolve
around being topless.

- [scoffs]
- And if we're keeping score,

you ruined the cabana

by filling it
with Phi Beta herpes.

- Right, moobs?
I hate being around you.

- [gasps]
How could you say that? Good.
- Snob.

- Skank.
- Bitch.

- Whore.
- Kiss!

Bye, Travis.

Bye, Kylie.

Tonight was going
to be the night.
(door opens and closes)

Look, sex is supposed to be
an emotional connection

- between two people --
- Are you really giving me

the "sex should be special"
speech?

Tell me, how was it special

with the girl
who puked in your mailbox

or the girl who says
she doesn't wear shoes

- because they feel too shoes-y?
- "Shoes-y" is a word.

Look, I -- I'm sorry
to d-block you, man,

but what's done
is -- is -- is done.

It's not a big deal.

I wasn't gonna get anywhere
with Kylie anyway.

Sure you were, man. She, uh,
she seemed pretty into you.

Yeah, it's not that.
It's just that...

I don't think
I like girls.

Oh, y --

All girls?

(cell phone rings)
Andy?

- Hey, Jules, happy birthday.
- Thanks.

Just want to let you know
that Travis is pretending

to come out to Grayson
to mess with his head.

I remember Halloween
when I was 11.

My friend Eric wore
this Superman costume,

and when I saw those red tights,
I was...I felt this feeling

like...like butterflies,

but hot butterflies, you know?

[laughs] I love
when Travis does that.

Oh, my god!
I gotta call you back.
[cell phone shuts, beep]

Where is that mouthy waitress
with our change?

[scoffs]

Well, she probably thought
that extra 40 cents was a tip.

[lowered voice] Frank!

[lowered voice]
Jules. Why are you here?

- Are you trying
to ruin my marriage?
- It is my birthday.

- What are you doing here?
- Well, I had to take Shanna
someplace nice

because of yesterday.

[whispers]
You are a touchy subject!

[lowered voice] Okay, look,
a couple of years ago --

It was weird.
Shanna got all sweet, okay?

She gets sweet, and then
she says to me, "Frank,

"if I was to die, which one
of my friends would you,

"you know?" You know.

- And you picked me?
- [whispers] Yes.

- What were you thinking?
- [normal voice]
That's my mojito.

[slurps]
Now every time you have sex,

Shanna thinks
you're seeing my face.

No. I always see her face.

[whispers]
I sometimes see your legs.

Well, you didn't
tell her that, did you?

Oh, Frank,
you're killin' me!

Shanna's here.

[gasps]
What?! No way!

Yes way. It is like I am
some sort of bitch magnet.

- No offense.
- None taken. You okay?

Well,
I started to fall apart,

but then resort Jules
borrowed a stranger's inhaler

and picked herself back up.
And I still get to have

a kick-ass birthday

because Frank and Shanna
aren't gonna be around.

Frank's gonna take her
into town for some dinner,

- and they're gonna go back
to their room and watch a porno.
- [both] Ugh!

I know. Well, if I had
to hear it, so do you.

- Okay, so who's in? Dinner and dancing -- let's hit it.
- Actually, you're just having dinner with me.

Yeah, and then after you
put Queen Buzzkill to bed,

- you and I are going out
for some real fun.
- Are you serious?

You know what?
Screw you both.

- Jules, we were just thinking --
- Jules, we just thought
that maybe --

No. I don't want to hear it.
I'm gonna go out on my own.

I'm gonna have a great time.

You know, it's my birthday.
I'm 34.

Really?

I'm 34.

Great.

[under breath] Bitch.

Hey, everyone,
it's my birthday!

And even though
my friends are jerks,

- the next round's on me.
- I'll take some potato skins.

There's no potato skins.

You can buy me a drink.

Oh! Trent from Tallahassee.

Wow, you're even cuter
out of your uniform.

- I'm gay.
- Just go with it, Trent.

Come on. I'm trying to scrape
together a fantasy here.

If I can be resort Jules,
then you can be straight Trent.

I was straight Trent
for 16 years.

Mm. Great.
What's another hour, hmm?

Oh, my gosh.
I ruined Jules' birthday.

- No, I did.
- Yeah, you're probably right.

I don't even know
why she likes me.

Come on. You're her
biggest cheerleader.

You're always pushing her
to do new stuff.

- I just hold her back.
- Please! You two have
all this shared history.

I mean, you gained
and lost 10 pounds with her

during her divorce.
I would never do that.

I get stretch marks
from snoring too hard.

You make it too easy
to judge you.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, while we wait
for Jules to come back,

- do you think it'd be okay
if we drank some champagne?
- Jules would want that.

Do you think
she's having any fun?

[Leona Naess] * Who knows
what I really will hear *

* What I really will say,
what I really will feel? *

You look fab, by the way.

[chuckles] Straight guys
don't say "fab," Trent.

Get it together, dude.

You know, I feel weird that
we're the only ones dancing...

[sniffs] And that we're
wearing the same perfume.

Think I'm gonna
call it a night.

All right, that's it.
Just hold on.

* The night is the brightest *

* Who knows
what I really will hear *

* What I really will say,
what I really will feel? *

* Who knows what you
really will hear *

* What you really will say,
what you really will feel? *

Wow.

- I know you're just pretending,
but maybe later we could --
- Still gay.

Okay. All right.

You're cute, though.

Okay.

* The night is *

* The brightest *

[sighs] I'm sorry to throw
all this on you.

No, it's okay.

I'm -- I'm glad you chose me
to come out to,

even though we barely
know each other.

I mean, it's just so scary.

Neil Patrick Harris
has paved some new ground,

But... [sighs]
I don't know.

Travis,
it's gonna be all right.

Has anybody ever told you
how soothing your voice is?

Not today, no.

Ahh.

- Frank!
- Jules.

You're supposed to be
in your room watching porn.

We already did.

- Oh. that makes this
even more gross.
- Are you naked?

A little.

Shanna!

This is the craziest story.

[laughs] I bet.

I bet. Do you have
any self-respect?

Are you talking to him
or me?

I'm gonna go.

Good night, Frank.

Don't talk to him.
You're pathetic.

Wow. I don't know what you're
getting so angry about, Shanna.

Maybe you're feeling a little
trapped in your own life.

Maybe it's Frank's weird
new mustache. I don't know.

But you gotta stop
picking on me, okay?

You're being too mean.

So you don't think
you've done anything wrong?

Nope.

I wonder if everyone
back home will agree.

Nobody likes gossip,
Shanna.

Yeah, they do.

You're right.
They really do.

- I have to pee.
- Hold it.

(door closes)
There's our birthday girl!

You're wet.
Sit on her bed!

(sighs)

What's wrong now?

Shanna was so mean to me.

- Mean?
- To you?

Shah-na?

It's Shanna.

Nobody cares.

You're messing
with our friend,

and we feel like
we need to respond.

Here's the deal. If you ever
say anything about Jules

to anyone ever again,

Mongo here is gonna
beat the living crap outta ya.

Seriously,
I fight all the time.

She will hold your arms,
and I will beat you

until your spanx
are the only thing

holding your torso together.

- Have the best evening.
- Really enjoy it.

Good times with you,
Shah-na.

[sighs deeply]

What?

Your mustache is stupid.

- I want a divorce.
- No.

**

I mean, the thing is,

sometimes when Kylie wears
her jazz dance outfit,

she looks really pretty to me,
but then it's... Oh, God.

I don't know. What the hell?
Am I some kind of freak?

- No, you're not a freak, okay?
Sexuality is confusing.
- [sighs]

If it makes you feel better,

one time at
my cousin Ben's lake house,

we were talking
about kissing girls.

We were, I don't know, 8...
maybe 12.

Anyway, he had -- he had
long hair, kind of like a girl.

We, um, practiced kissing
on each other...

One time.

With your cousin Ben?

Yeah.

That is
interesting information.

Hey!

- Hey!
- You ready to go
to the movie?

Yeah, let's roll.

I warned you
not to mess with me.

[door opens and closes]

If it makes you feel
any better,

he got me to march
in two Pride parades with him.

Oh, boy.

Thanks for buying us
all matching fat pants

from the gift shop.

- Whoo!
- [all] Fatties!

- It was the best 800 bucks
I ever spent.
- [laughs] You crack me up.

Wait. You just said
something nice to her.

Well, when you were gone,
we talked,

- and, well, we bonded a little.
- Really?

Did you know that when we
were kids, we both had horses?

I did. How did I
not use that before?

I mean, all horse people
love each other.

Sometimes it just takes
a crappy night for two people

to realize how close
they already are.

[gasps] Aw, buddy.

This is fake!

- Ohh! I told you
she wouldn't buy it.
- [sighs]

Jules, I tried, but come on. She
named her horse Limp Bizkit!

Because he rocked!

- He rocked.
- So this is the way it's always going to be

- with my two best friends?
- Bingo.

- Right. That's right.
- Oh, wow.

Oh, it doesn't matter.
We'll always have your back.

- We will kick ass
and take names.
- Thank you.

[knock on door]

- You requested
turndown service?
- Yeah, just hand over
the chocolates.

- Hey, did you know today
is my 34th birthday?
- Happy birthday.

Oh!

[door closes]
Whoo-hoo!
This was the best birthday...

[cheering] ever!

[chanting] 34! 34! 34!
34! 34!